Previously on What the F…? Everyone has gathered at Giles' for a fast game of consequences and what the hells? Our Chaos mage continues to sleep the sleep of the naughty and the gods have had a bit of a chuckle at their mischief and left. Spike made it back to his crypt, a bit burnt and sore and rather sulky, not brooding mind, just contemplative. There is a bit of reminiscing too, which you can't help but think, are they're all gonna do it again?

Read on and find out…

As the door closed behind the children, Giles turned to contemplate his slayer. His daughter. His rival for Spike's affections. Oh dear, as if his life wasn't complicated enough. Perhaps, it's just that he's been lonely. He is getting on and apart from the occasional pleasant interlude, there has been no-one since he lost Jenny. He'd never really expected nor wanted to marry. Not really. Once he'd come back to the fold as it were, and resumed the mantle of Watcher that his father hand handed to him, his dreams had moved no further than to have a slayer, The Slayer, to train and mould. To help protect the world. With the occasional dalliance perhaps, but nothing permanent. The innocence he lost with Ethan, well that had served to remind him that relationships were at the very least distracting and messy but could also be dangerously life threatening.

No. He wasn't looking for long term relationships. It was bad enough that he felt a father to Buffy in all the ways that mattered. He cared for her deeply and he was certain he had no wish to see her involved with yet another vampire. 'Particularly when said vampire is yours' a tiny voice whispered to him. No! This was intolerable. He had no feelings at all for the bleached wonder. Spike was a monster, held in check by a circuit board that could, at any moment, fail. The beast within would surely then reclaim his former life and they would all be in danger, as the demon that Spike was, sought revenge for what it could only see, as an unjust imprisonment and humiliation. He shook his head as though to fling inappropriate thoughts away. He straightened as he composed himself and prepared to tackle the situation he'd unfortunately witnessed.

"Buffy."

The girl lifted her head to stare straight ahead of her as the hand on the table stilled its idle path. Her other hand continued to stroke the bite mark on her neck.

Giles sighed. "Buffy. We need to discuss this…"

"I'm not talking to you about it Giles. Not with you. I wouldn't with my real dad, if he'd actually give a damn." Her hand dropped from her neck as she turned her head to look up at him. "I can't, Giles. I really can't. I don't think I really understand what is happening any way."

Giles could see the tears his slayer was holding back, just barely. He could see the pain, the uncertainty, the fear etched into her face. He empathised, he really did. God, he felt the same. Someone was playing them all for fools. Playing with their very lives. This situation was completely outside the scope of any watcher's journals, he was certain. This was personal, very personal and they had all been targeted, or so it would seem.

"Buffy, my dear, I, I know this is difficult for you, however there are things happening that are not normal and we need to find out the source of the problem to find a solution. That means we have to trust each other and we have to share what is happening to us to do that." He put his hands in his pockets, looked up to the ceiling. "What I saw, we saw, Xander and I, in the bathroom. It is clear that you and Spike had erm, well sexual relations."

Buffy let out a small groan that descended into a whimper. "Please, Giles. Please, can we not."

"I'm sorry Buffy, but this is important and we must. For all of our sakes. Both you and Spike have bite marks on your necks. I need to know how they got there. What you were doing at the time and what was said. It's very important."

"Oh, god. Mine." Buffy pushed back from the table as she whispered this. The last word echoed through her head, sent shivering jolts through her body. Hand clasped to her neck she pushed past the watcher, fleeing to the bathroom where she slammed the door. She hoped the sound of her sobbing would be drowned out when she turned the taps on.

Giles sighed again. "Well, that could have gone worse." He went to his small library of books to begin researching vampire claims and their effects on humans.

…

The four Scoobies sat silently, awkwardly in Xander's vehicle as they drove into town. Xander was lost in a sea of milk white skin, tasting again, the lukewarm semen of a vampire, sliding down his throat. He groaned at the vision, took a hand from the steering wheel to rub across his chest.

"Shit!"

"What, Xander? What's wrong.?" Anya looked with concern at her lover.

"My, my breasts. They're gone!"

Willow and Tara leaned forward from the back seat as Anya leant across the front seat to stare at his chest.

"I'd forgotten all about them in the…"

"Shock of seeing Buffy and Spike naked, on the floor in Giles' bathroom?" Anya asked with her usual bluntness.

"Yes, Anya. That, exactly that." Certainly nothing to do with the fact that he and Spike and, oh god, Giles, had been up to naked games in Giles' bed last night. Nothing to do with the strange, hollow feeling, he'd gotten in the pit of his belly, when he saw Spike's arm across the naked back of a naked Buffy, lying on top of a naked vampire. His naked vampire. Oh shit, he was so screwed. His hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly, his knuckles were turning white.

Anya patted his leg. "Pity, I would have liked to play with your breasts, Xander. They looked very perky."

He groaned again.

"N-now that I think about it, G-Giles l-looked n-normal when he c-came back downstairs."

"You're right, Tara." Willow squeezed her girlfriend's hand. "I never noticed, but his chest was definitely flat. At least, as flat as it has been lately, anyway."

"What about Spike, Xander? Did you notice if his breasts were gone?"

Had he? Xander flashed back on the morning's peep show in Giles' bathroom. The first thing that flashed through his mind, was a blur of naked Buffy as she jumped up from the floor and darted to get a towel to wrap herself in. He'd looked over Giles shoulder to the figure, still stretched out, on the floor in front of them. His eyes had travelled up from Spike's thighs, to dwell on his cock, lying dormant across his groin. Even from where he stood, Xander could see that it and the balls that lay beneath it, were covered in a sticky film, the curling hairs that surrounded them, looking a little flat and wet.

"Well, Xander, did you see if Spike's chest was flat again?" Anya squeezed his leg as she asked this.

"Um..." Xander moved his mind's eye up the torso of the naked vampire. He was leaning up on his elbows, smirking at him and Giles, as they stood in the doorway looking down at him. His marbled chest, was smooth, the very male pecs shining dimly in the bathroom light, and covered in fading bruises and bites, love bites! "Yeah. Yeah the ladies breasts were gone. It was just Spike's chest, flat and muscly, like a man's," he ground out between clenched jaws. He'd so wanted to bite that chest himself, had bitten it, but his marks were covered by someone else's and it hurt, even now, to think about it.

...

They were sitting around Giles' table, which was littered with the remains of do-nut boxes and take away coffee cups. Conversation had been stilted, everyone still lost in a confusion of feelings over the previous night's events. They had trouble meeting each other's eyes. Giles cleared his throat, took his glasses off, retrieved his handkerchief and began polishing his glasses.

"Thank you everyone, for the refreshments. I think though that we need to get down to business. Apparently whatever spell caused the physical alteration to Xander, Spike and myself is no longer in play and we all have reverted to our proper physique. I am hoping this is permanent." Xander snorted at this. Giles put his glasses back on and glared at him.

"If I may continue. We do still need to find out whom or what was responsible. Some powerful magicks were cast and it is not safe to have such unknowns operating in Sunnydale. I know we've all had a rather confusing and strange evening. What we need to do now, is to compare notes. I know everyone is feeling a little disconcerted over the events of last night, but if we are going to get to the bottom of this mystery, we will have to get past any reluctance, end look at it objectively. We've all, I think, been affected by some sort of lust spell."

He paused and looked at each of them. The guilt and shame and other emotions, running across their faces, were testament to the truth of his words. He'd thought as much. The women had obviously been as affected as the men. He could only imagine what might have happened. He looked at Buffy, but she didn't raise her head and she was once again absently stroking the bite mark on her neck.

"Well, I can't say if it was a lust spell, but Willow, Tara and I gave the training room mats a very good workout, that's for sure." The two women named gasped out loud at Anya's frank statement. Xander turned pale and sat with his mouth open at the relevation.

"Ah, what are you saying, Ahn?"

"That I'd forgotten what wonderful orgasms women can give to each other. I don't think we were under a spell, but I suppose we normally wouldn't all have sex together. I mean Tara and Willow obviously would, but normally not with me." She sat with a delighted smile on her face, thinking back on the night before. Willow and Tara seemed to shrink in their seats, their faces turning bright red. "I certainly wouldn't say no to doing it again either. In fact I want to. Not that your orgasms aren't wonderful, Xander, of course."

"Ahn," Xander began in a strangled voice. He couldn't think of what to say though, as images of the three women flicked through his mind.

"Well, what did you and Spike and Giles do last night, Xander, while you were alone here?"

It was Xander's turn to glow bright red and duck down behind his fringe.

"Yes, well. I think details are probably not important." Giles cleared his throat. "What is important is that we all of us, appear to have participated in events that we would not normally do so.

"Yeah, so not of the normal," Willow agreed. "Wouldn't say no to doing it again though. Would you Tara?"

"Oh…um… ah… W-well, um I… it was nice. You're a v-very generous l-lover Anya."

"Yes I am. Years of practice. Lots of time on your hands, in between vengeance jobs. Have to do something to pass the time. Though we were always careful not to have other women's partners. That would be very wrong. But of course last night, you were both there and you both were very nice to me."

"So, ah Buff. What was with you and dead boy junior? On the bathroom floor." Xander looked at her expectantly. She looked up, an unfamiliar look of fear on her face. She clasped her hands together on the table in front of her.

"I went to check on Dawn and then I went to see Willy. You know to see if he'd got any info for me. On the new bad in town. Had to push him around a bit, but, no joy there." She continued to twist her hands together. "Um, I dusted some stupid vamps that were hanging round outside the bar and then I, um, well I, um. A funny feeling came over me, like I needed something really bad. Next thing I know I'm here and I thought I would have a quick wash. You know to get the vamp dust off and well… um… Spike was in the shower." She stopped and looked down at her hands.

"So what, you thought you should just join him?" Xander was leaning forward across the table. "Thought you would have him for yourself and while you were at it, you'd just bite him and cover other people's bites, I mean, ah.."

"That's enough Xander. I believe we have an idea what might have happened. There really is no need for further detail. Buffy was quite clearly under the influence of the same spell as the rest of us." Giles did not want to hear any further details. As Buffy had begun her telling of the previous night's events, he had felt the jealous rage building in him again. It seemed just as hot and black as it had that morning, when he had discovered the pair on his bathroom floor. He took a calming breath and tried to rein in his emotions. He needed a clear head to properly deal with this problem.

"I think what we need to do now is make notes of all the new people we have might have met, spoken too over the past week. As we have all been affected, it makes sense that one or more of us might have come into contact with our perpetrator. I suggest we each take a sheet of paper and write down any strange or new experience we might have had in the past week."

…

Spike woke with a start. He wasn't sure what had woken him, but there was a strange feeling in the air. He sniffed but could find no particular scent that might be cause for alarm. His stomach rumbled. He'd only been asleep for a couple of hours and his body felt leaden. He ached all over. His thoughts drifted back to the previous night and a smile slid across his face. His hand idly moved down his belly toward his groin. Strangely his cock did not stir. Suppose he did give it a bit of a workout last night. The slayer had been an animal and he'd had to work hard to keep up with her. She'd never been that way before. Certainly there'd never been any biting on either side before. At least none that deliberately drew blood.

He thought back to Giles and felt something stir in his chest. The man had been so attentive. He'd never seriously thought of the watcher in that way before. He'd maybe had a passing thought during those first weeks, after he'd come to them for help. It'd been more mischief and boredom than anything else, though. Same with the boy, even though he'd given him a hard time when they had shared the dank basement of the boy's parental home.

There had been something there last night though. He'd wanted the watcher. Very much. And the boy was a welcome addition. It was years, no decades, since he'd had any desire for another man. Not that gender entered into the equation when a vamp was horny. It's just he'd always been handy at pulling the birds.

He felt the pull of sleep calling him as the day blossomed into mid-morning. Time enough later to work out what exactly went on last night. He needed to sleep, to recuperate. His body was tired and needed time to heal and repair. He closed his eyes again and drifted away.

…