Chapter 14: But for Nile

Erwin tried to put Marie out of his mind as he and the other trainees jogged through the muddy slush that came along with the snow. He had barely slept last night, thinking about Marie, her kiss good-bye, and wishing there was a way he could have both her and his answers without risking the loss of either. But there was no way around it, chasing his dream meant that he would risk breaking hers, and he couldn't do that to her. She deserved better than that.

Thankfully, the instructors had set a brutal pace for them today, and he welcomed the numbness that came with a good workout. He wasn't the pace leader, that was Darrin and his devilishly high amount of stamina, but Erwin was a respectable second.

Someone bumped him from behind and he glanced to see Nile, which surprised him, since his friend was usually further behind.

"Good pace today?" he asked between breaths.

Nile didn't reply, either not having the energy or the lung capacity. He was definitely pushing himself though, more than usual. Erwin knew that despite his wiry frame, Nile was capable, and probably could be better than he was if he worked as hard as Erwin, but he knew Nile didn't thrive off exercises in quite the same way.

Not bothering to speak, Nile seemed satisfied in maintaining his pace. The finish line in front of the barracks was coming, where one of the instructors grimly waited in the snow. Darrin ran past first, only raising his arms like a champion after he was behind the instructor who would otherwise chew him out.

Erwin pushed himself for the last stretch, but what surprised him was that Nile did too. Seeing what was happening, Darrin hooted and waved, and that earned him a glare from the instructor.

They were just steps away from the end. Erwin sprinted past the instructor, and Nile matched him stride for stride. Erwin was impressed, especially considering that Nile was a fair bit shorter than him.

His friend stumbled almost immediately afterward though, and nearly planted face first into the mud before he caught himself. Erwin steadied him and started pulling him along. It wasn't a good idea to suddenly stop moving after such a long run.

"I can walk on my own," said Nile, pulling himself free.

"Something happen?" Erwin asked. "You're awfully prickly for someone who just had his best run all year. You've never tied me before."

Nile glanced at him and said, "It's about Marie."

"Marie?"

Before Erwin could ask more, their instructor bellowed to those who had finished or were about to finish. "Get yourselves cooled down and then I want everyone to line up in the order that they finished! There's no such thing as a tie, figure out who stands in front and who stands behind! We're going to march over to the mess..."

Trainees jostled into position and Nile moved behind Erwin, perhaps by habit.

"No, you go in front," said Erwin. "You made the effort."

"You did too," said Nile.

"Did you see Marie yesterday?"

Nile didn't answer.

Erwin pushed him in front just before their instructor walked past. Now he couldn't sneak back into third.

"You improved by several places," said the instructor, noting Nile's position.

Nile still didn't say anything, though he glared at Erwin.

He must have met Marie after she left yesterday. That had to be the reason, but Marie had seemed accepting about it. Erwin was not happy about letting her go, he could still feel the empty pit inside of him, but he knew his decision had been right. He couldn't give what Marie needed, and he didn't want to take what affection he could from her without being able to return what she wanted most. And she knew how to many sacrifices herself. It wasn't as though she was a coddled girl who had no idea what it took to protect a dream.

-AoT-

Nile finally spoke to him after dinner, when it was dark and they were heading back to the barracks, just the two of them.

"Do you know how much you hurt Marie?" asked Nile, his voice flat.

"I do," said Erwin, "but she understands. It's better for both us."

"It's not better."

Erwin took a deep breath. "She's asked me a lot of good questions, about what it would be like for me in the Survey Corps, how likely it is that I'll survive, and I realized that it's not a good idea for someone in the Corps to get married. I can't court her, and what she wants is a more serious relationship than I'm interested in."

The words came out disaffected, analytical, and perhaps not entirely true, but he could feel Nile setting up for an argument, and he didn't want him to think there was an opening.

"Marriages still happen," said Nile. "It's not like it's forbidden."

"No, but they don't last. It's not because the couple doesn't love each other, but because one of them dies before their time."

Nile stepped in front of him and turned around, stopping him in his tracks. "Listen to me, Erwin. Marie cares about you, a lot, and I ended up being the shoulder she cried on while all she could do was talk about was how much she was going to miss you, but it was the best thing for you and your dream. Bullshit. A lot of people die in the Survey Corps, I know that as well as you do, but there are older members. There are soldiers who reach middle age, and dammit, Erwin, you are good. You can survive everything out there.

"You're bound to have your answers by then, and then you can transfer out of the Corps. Become an instructor. Marie won't have to worry, and you can have a good life with her, raise some kids..."

Erwin stared. Though he heard Nile's words as his friend ranted, they didn't register nearly as much as the source of his rage.

Nile loved Marie. Erwin could see that now, and the reason he was pushing Erwin wasn't because he thought Erwin was making a mistake but because Nile was trying to protect Marie's happiness, even if it meant sacrificing his own.

Erwin was grateful for one thing though. His friend knew better than to talk him out of going outside. But for Nile to try resolving that which was impossible to resolve...

"Hey," he said. Though his voice was quiet, the fact he had interrupted at all was enough to stop Nile.

"What?" said his friend. "Did any of that get through?"

"Have you told Marie how much you care about her?"

"We are talking about you, not me."

"There's no point in talking about me," said Erwin with a shake of his head. "I'm just not interested. She's a wonderful person and a great friend, but that doesn't mean I want anything more."

He said this in an off-handed way, keeping his expression neutral; pragmatic. Even though he knew Nile might hate him for it, it was better that Nile thought his disinterest was genuine, that Erwin didn't think of Marie as anything more, or he might think there was hope of changing his mind. Empty, awful, guilty—those were things Erwin felt, but regardless he couldn't choose another path.

Perhaps if things had been different, if there had never been any titans, he could have stayed with Marie. He might as well have wished for the moon.

"I didn't realize you liked her," said Erwin.

Nile turned away. "She's a friend. She doesn't look at me like she does you, so it doesn't matter. And even if I wanted to, I can't say anything anyway, not when she's busy thinking about you. I'm not going to be the guy who moves in the instant he thinks he has a chance, and I'm not the one she's hoping to see."

Erwin had skipped a couple hunting trips on week's end, but he knew that Nile always went. Even if it was snowing. He still went. At first he thought it was because Nile and Marie were friends, and chances were, that was how Marie had seen it, but now that he knew otherwise...

He thought of encouraging Nile to tell her, but he realized that made no more sense than his own wish to be with Marie. Nile was going to enter the Survey Corps, so she had no future with him either.

-AoT-

"So you broke up with him?" said Ramona.

It was late morning, two days after Marie had last seen Erwin, and the bar had not yet opened. She felt completely listless, trying not to replay what she could have done differently, because everything made horrible sense, and that sense of clarity was what she had liked about Erwin most of all. She couldn't have it both ways, and while she had always known in the back of her mind that her family would come first, she had hoped it would work out.

Ramona had stopped by after her mother suggested Marie could use some cheering, and her friend had taken her outside to one of the back streets to get some sun while still having a little privacy.

"It's probably better to say he broke up with me," said Marie.

"But you're letting him go."

"He says he's probably going to die out there, and he doesn't want to leave me alone. I mean, if our relationship turned serious, if we got married down the line..." He didn't want her to be a widow.

"So he's leaving you alone now," said Ramona.

"Does Werner talk about it? About dying?"

Ramona shook her head. "He is brightness and sunshine. Everything will work out."

"That's not realistic, is it?"

"I don't think so." Her friend looked down. "I hear about it sometimes, how people say the Survey Corps is a waste of money and soldiers' lives. If Erwin thinks even he is going to die, then chances are, Werner will too. But..."

"But?"

"It's what he wants to do," said Ramona. "And luck is a fickle thing. Don't they say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?"

Marie wanted to think that, but felt that she had already lost, and she wasn't sure that she should ever have allowed herself to feel anything more than friendship.

"So are you and Werner serious?" asked Marie.

"He hasn't spoken to my parents yet, but we've talked about it."

"And?"

"I think I'll go with him to Shiganshina."

That was a big step. She would be leaving everyone behind in Wall Rose. Of all her friends, Marie hadn't expected that Ramona would be the one to do it. She had been so flustered on their drinking trip out to the countryside that Marie wasn't sure she had even liked Werner.

"What if he dies?" said Marie.

"Then he does, but I want to try. And Marie," —Ramona put her hand on hers— "don't take this as a failure between you and Erwin. He's probably right, and my family isn't in nearly the same position as yours. I have lots of siblings. My parents will be fine without me and my brother is already helping run the store. I'm lucky enough to manage."

And Marie was not. She knew her friend hadn't meant it that way, but the thought sprang unbidden.

"What would happen, if you lost him?" Marie asked. "Wouldn't you feel like a part of yourself is gone? I already do, and I can't imagine what it would be like if he actually died. For now, at least, I know he's all right."

"I don't know," said Ramona. "I'd probably move back home, I guess. It would hurt, and I'd miss him, but he's different from the other boys we grew up with. He makes me laugh, and I'm comfortable letting him talk for both of us. I like that he tries so hard to impress me. I just don't think I'd run into that again, especially since we already know most of the men our age in town."

There wouldn't be another Erwin again. If there was, he would probably leave her too. It was a glum thought and Marie knew it.

"I guess I would need someone who could stay," said Marie. "Probably a shopkeeper's son. With my father the way he is, we'd have to live here."

"Probably," said Ramona. "Was there anyone you liked before?"

Marie shrugged. "I had a crush on Georg, but he's a few years older than us and he's married now, so..." She sighed. "I suppose there's no use in worrying about it. Something will come eventually. I just need time."

But either way, she knew she could not avoid thinking about Erwin. His friends would likely come to the tavern soon, and if he was with them, she would have to think of him as just another customer, and if he was not, the emptiness left behind would be impossible to fill.

A/N: It's been really hard trying to be fair to both Erwin and Nile with this story. The question was never why would Marie have chosen Nile over Erwin, so much as could she love Nile after Erwin. We knew what the result was going to be, but Erwin has a bit of a leg up in the reader's mind, being a more established character, and I don't want Nile to be a weak substitute where Marie is clearly "settling" for him. The result is probably a more sensitive Nile than we'd expect given his professional appearances, but he is a guy who decided that he wanted the girl more than anything else, and he doesn't regret that decision. He has to have good points for Marie to fall in love with.

This chapter title was a little hard to come up with. The past two were "Even for Erwin" and "Titans or Marie" so I wanted a similar three word title with Nile's name in it. I decided on "But for Nile" before writing it into the narration since it had a nice ring to it, even though in the narration itself it flows without calling attention to itself, which is probably the best way.