"I don't know." Jamie's hands started shivering again, and Erin bit her lips not to hold them still. He didn't even seem to notice.
"I don't know." Frustration won over the tiredness in his voice. "She thought she was going to die for four months, how come I don't know where to bury her?"
Erin swallowed at the anger in his eyes though she knew it wasn't meant for her.
Danny cleared his throat. "Those are not things you talk about, Jamie. Not before you're seventy-five. It's not your fault."
"I should have asked her." As Jamie's eyes filled with tears again, Erin's hands closed around his firmly. Danny put an arm around his little brother, knowing there were no words to lessen his grief.

Beth had died six days ago. Tomorrow her corpse would be delivered to the cemetery. There it could rest for another three weeks, theoretically – but everyone had agreed that the funeral should be as soon as possible.

Suddenly Jamie startled. He looked at Thomas, sleeping peacefully on the couch of the Reagan's living room. Due to all the medication pumped into her – causing nausea, pain, drowsiness, and all for nothing – breastfeeding had never been an option for Beth. Chances were good that his son hadn't even noticed his mother was gone.
And could he blame him?

He knelt down next to the baby and gently stroked his back. Thomas' nose and cheeks, even the way the corners of his mouth wrinkled when he squealed – left a little bit higher than right – were Beth's, but different to everything else these days, this remembrance didn't make it hard to breathe. It was everything he had of her.
Not enough. Not nearly.

"He really is beautiful" Erin whispered as she followed her brother and now stroked his back. "And he looks happy."
"He's sleeping sixty percent of the day" Danny grumbled as he sat down next to his nephew. "But that's not the point." He shrugged as Erin's glance pierced through him. "What's the problem? Beth was your wife. She's a Reagan. There is room enough in our row."

"But her family's graves are practically on the other side of the cemetery." Jamie's eyes never left his son. How could you love someone you barely know more than anything else in the world?

"Because you're a father." Danny smiled sadly, and only now Jamie realized he had asked the question loudly.
He closed his eyes to prevent new tears. "But I don't want it. Not this way." He swallowed. "She was my best friend. She loved him so much, and we… we so many plans for him. Excursions, parties, things we wanted to teach him… we wanted to go to Europe once, Ireland, maybe France. And we wanted him to have siblings. Maybe by adoption, depending on how safe it was for her to be pregnant. We wanted him to marry and… and…" Jamie broke down, and Danny wrapped his arms around him while Erin quickly took Thomas, rocking him so he wouldn't wake.

"I'm so sorry, kid." Danny swallowed heavily but the knot in his throat wouldn't loosen. "I'm sorry." He pulled his brother upright enough to hug him tightly. "It shouldn't be like this." It stabbed him right in the heart to see Jamie like this and be unable to help him. He had rarely felt as helpless as he did now, with his baby brother sobbing so violently that Danny feared he would break apart. The kid was twenty-eight, for heaven's sake! He had his whole life laid out before him, and so far it had been everything Danny had wished for his brother: He was doing the job he loved (though Danny's stomach still turned whenever he heard of the police chasing a suspect, or a police accident, or a dead or hurt cop), he had his own home, he had friends, a healthy baby, and… an empty hurting place where the love of his life had been.
Beth.

Danny tensed as he felt he was losing the fight against the tears. It was not only about Jamie's wife. He had lost his sister-in-law. That stubborn-to-death, firefighting, Josh Groban-loving wonderful girl who always was there for Linda when she needed someone to talk, whom his sons adored because she was funny but still consequent. She would have been a great mother. And she was easily the second-best daughter-in-law his father could have wished for, respecting everything even if she didn't understand it, polite but never afraid to speak her mind. Every once in a while she had seemed a little frail and sad and wouldn't speak at dinner, but given that she had lost her grandparents, parents and both her brothers Danny understood her. And most of the times she had been happy, and seeing her happy had made Jamie happier than Danny had ever seen him.

"Thomas will learn all those things, you know." His voice was thick with pain and somehow it felt wrong to speak of the future right now but he knew that he had to. From the corners of his eyes he saw Erin nodding, smiling at the baby in her arms. "He can't have the life you wanted for him but he can have a wonderful life, Jamie. And I know you will do anything to make sure he has it, and you know we will always be there for him. And for you. Neither of you will be alone. And one day you'll hold another baby in your arms. And it will be your grandchild" he added quickly as Jamie wanted to protest.

With an effort Jamie swallowed down the next flood of tears. He knew Beth wouldn't want him to cry. She wouldn't want it. And he wanted to do everything she had expected and wished from him, but it was so hard. It hurt so much to be here without her. And knowing that she would never come back, no matter how long he waited, was too much. He did his best to block the thought out but every night in his dreams the truth would come up, waking him up screaming.

"I miss her, Danny. I miss her every minute of the day, I can't go on, not without her. I can't… I know I have to be strong, and I love you guys, I really love you and I know you're there for me but I can't – I can't go on without her. Not a whole life, Danny."

Danny looked helplessly to Erin but all he saw was more tears. None of them had ever had to live with such a loss. They had lost their mother – which meant dad had lost his wife, but not at that age – and their brother, and thinking of either of them made Danny's heart raw with pain, but not this.

He closed his eyes and hugged Jamie tighter. "I'm so sorry, kid."