Mature Warning
Trigger/Angst Warning

Chapter 14

One Month Later

The past month had felt like a blur to Duo. He had secluded himself; leaving only to go to his studio or meet with his manager. He ate take-out most nights, if he ate at all, and he had declined any invitations to go out with Quatre and the guys. When Quatre offered to visit him, Duo made an excuse that would allow him to be alone. The only person that visited was Treize who had made it a habit to come over two to three times a week. Their relationship had made a dark shift. Every time they met was like a ritual. Treize would come over with dinner, they would eat, go to the bedroom, have sex that involved Treize feeding Duo's need to cut, and Treize would leave. Duo felt like it was spiraling out of control; he felt like he was loosing his mind. The dark demons that had always lingered inside of him no longer crept around the edges of his mind. They had dove in head first, claws scratching and fangs gnashing. His sanity was being ravaged by the darkness. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think about the blood and pain of cutting and within the past week thoughts of ending it all had begun to seep in, mixing with the darkness like a poison.

He wanted it all to go away. The memories of his mother dying when he was young and his brother raising him until he too died. The hidden resentment that he had held onto for so long until the very day his brother died. The resentment he felt for himself for feeling that way. The dark ritual that Treize had ensnared him in. Duo had had messed up relationships before, but nothing near what his current relationship had become. A quiet voice inside of him cried out to escape, constantly nagging at his heart. Yet he felt that he couldn't; a part of him felt like he deserved the abuse. He felt like he was fated to always suffer and the punishment of his mind and body was well deserved.

Despite everything going on and how he felt, Duo found himself being pushed by Quatre to spend time with him and the others. He had resisted, making excuse after excuse, but Quatre refused to take no for an answer. He was now driving towards Heero's flat for a popcorn and movie night that he had absolutely no interest in attending. It was a cool September day which gave Duo the opportunity to wear a light jacket. The cuts on his arm had healed, but had left behind large scars that he did not want everyone to see. The cuts on his thighs were a different story, but there was no need for him to worry about anyone else seeing them.

Duo soon stood in front of the doorway to Heero's apartment. He remained there for some time before he finally knocked. He hadn't honestly gained much courage, but he knew he could not stay out there forever. Sooner or later Quatre would try to get a hold of him and he would haven no choice but to enter. There was a moments pause after he knocked before the door was opened to reveal Heero.
"Duo, we've been waiting for you. Everyone else is here, come on in." Heero smiled and stepped aside to let Duo enter.

Duo stepped into the unfamiliar flat, venturing down the hall towards the sound of laughter. When he stepped into the living room he saw Quatre snuggled close to Trowa in an oversized arm chair and Wufei sitting on the couch at the furthest end away from the couple. The three were chatting casually, looking relaxed and happy. Duo wished that he could feel relaxed and happy; he remembered a time not too long ago that he did. Yet he couldn't find those feelings anymore inside of him. They had been cast out by the darkness.

Quatre jumped up when he noticed Duo enter the living room and bounded over to him. "Duo! I missed you!" He embraced the braided man in a tight hug and Duo weakly returned the embrace. He wanted to muster the excitement that Quatre was showing, but he felt so drained. The blond pulled away slightly, holding Duo at arms length to examine him. "Are you feeling okay?"

Duo forced a weak smile, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just been tired with working a lot lately is all." He didn't want to talk about how he was doing. He wanted the subject to change quickly. He honestly didn't have the energy to do that, but he had even less energy to keep up a fake happy facade. "So what movie are we watching tonight?"

"Oh!" Quatre grabbed Duo's hand and pulled him further into the living room. He began to jabber on about the name of the movie and the plot as he led Duo to the sit on the couch. Duo let the words pass over him like the wind, registering the emotions in Quatre's voice but not actually hearing the words. Duo sat on the end of the couch away from Wufei. He didn't have any issues with Wufei, but he didn't want to get stuck in the middle between two other people. Being against the arm rest gave him a sense of security. He watched as Quatre left the living room to help Heero in the kitchen with the popcorn. Silence settled between the three men in the living room as the menu music for the movie played on the television.

Minutes later, Quatre and Heero returned with three large bowls of popcorn and beers for everyone. Quatre sat down beside Trowa with a bowl and two bottles while Heero took the remaining seat in the middle of the couch. The Japanese man handed Wufei a bowl and a bottle before turning to Duo and handing him a drink and offering the last bowl of popcorn. Duo declined the popcorn quietly and turned his attention to his drink and the movie that was about to start. Normally he would have been all for taking the food offered to him; he loved eating. Yet lately he had not had much of an appetite.

Heero started the movie and they all settled into watching it. The silence between the men seemed comfortable, but for Duo it was far from comfortable. He felt anxious and drank heavily from the bottle he had been given. Duo didn't pay attention to the movie; he did notice that it was some kind of action movie but he found it difficult to stay focused on it. He was painfully aware of the dark feelings inside of him and how much he wanted to run away.

It felt like they had barely begun watching when Duo finished his beer. He examined the bottle for a second before setting it on the wooden coffee table. He wanted another, but at the same time he felt self conscious and did not want to ask.

Less than a minute after he had set the bottle down, Heero turned to him and asked quietly, "Would you like me to get you another?"

Duo faltered for a second, wanting to decline but desperately wanting to drown out the feelings inside. He hadn't enjoyed drinking in weeks and knew that the alcohol could help numb him. "If you don't mind."

Heero nodded and stood, setting the bowl of popcorn on the table before venturing out to the kitchen. Without a distraction, Duo let his eyes wander between the other three men. Wufei was sitting watching intently, snacking on his popcorn. Quatre was practically sitting on Trowa's lap and they were sharing quiet whispers and giggles between each other. Duo had a feeling that the movie was the last thing on their minds. He rolled his eyes and was thankful when Heero returned with a new open bottle and handed it to him. Duo thanked him before turning his attention to the drink.

The movie had almost finished and Duo was on his fifth drink. Heero hadn't seemed to mind retrieving more drinks for him, and Duo had stopped feeling guilty about letting the other man leave the movie to retrieve them. Duo had noticed after his fourth drink while Heero was in the kitchen that Trowa and Quatre were all over each other, stealing kisses constantly. Duo was surprised that they hadn't started to make out, but he was grateful that they hadn't. Though the alcohol had started to set in deeply, he still felt awkward about being in a room with them like that. Duo was finishing the drink when the credits began to roll.

The other men all stood and stretched, chattering about the movie. Duo sat in silence, enjoying the feel of the alcohol and not wanting to move. Wufei was first to leave, saying his goodbyes before heading out the door. Quatre and Trowa were next, both seeming eager to get away to a room where they could be alone. Heero and Duo were left alone.

"So what did you think about the movie?" Heero asked as he began to clean up the bowls of popcorn and empty bottles scattered around the living room.

"Oh, it was good," Duo lied. "Do you need help?" He asked. He didn't really feel like getting up to help, but he didn't want to be rude after all the drinks that Heero had gotten him. The alcohol was starting to hit him hard and he let the feeling fill his body.

"That's okay, thank you though. Would you like another drink?" Heero asked as he gathered the bottles on the table in front of Duo.

"Naw, thanks though." Duo declined. There was a fine line between the warm feeling after a few drinks, and the darkness crashing down on him after too many. It was a game, riding the fence and Duo frequently had a hard time not knowing when to stop.

"So what have you been up to lately? You seem to be really busy." Heero remarked as he entered the now straightened up living room with his third beer of the night. He sat down in the spot he had sat earlier, relaxing back into the couch.

"Oh you know a little of this, a little of that." It was a weak cop-out but Duo was too drunk to care.

There was a moment of silence before Heero spoke up, "Duo, can I talk to you about something?"

Duo's eyebrows perked up. Heero wanted to talk to him about something? They weren't very close. They had hung out a few times, but Duo had greatly distanced himself from everyone as of late. Were they even close enough for Heero to talk to Duo about personal issues? Duo mentally shrugged and answered, "Sure. Whats on your mind?"

Heero sat up and shifted so that he was facing Duo more. "This might not be the best time to bring this up, but you've been distant from everyone lately. I talked to Quatre and he said that until tonight you've been unwilling to spend time with anyone. He said that he practically had to force you to come tonight," Heero began. Duo felt the darkness begin to creep in again. He hadn't expected for this conversation to ever come up between him and Heero. Quatre maybe, but not Heero. Duo still felt like they didn't know each other very well.

"I don't know exactly what's going on with you right now, but I have noticed that you've changed a lot since you started dating Treize. Quatre confided in me that you had cut yourself and I'm worried about you. And I know that it may not be my place to say anything, but I care about you. A lot."

There was silence and Duo tried to process his thoughts. The two men stared at each other, Heero's face filled with concern and Duo's blank. Duo knew that the way things were going wasn't good. He knew that his relationship with Treize was bad, but he was afraid to do something about it. Part of him was angry that Quatre had told Heero about his cutting, but another part of him was tired of hiding from the world. He was torn between continuing on the way he was, and changing things. He wondered why Heero cared so much, and a tiny thought that Heero might like him more than a friend tickled his mind. He tried to push the thought away, not wanting to think about it.

"I don't know what you're talking about Heero," Duo lied, letting some of his anger slip into his tone. "I've been busy with work which is why I haven't spent any time with any of you guys. As for the cutting thing, I haven't cut in over a month." That wasn't a complete lie because he wasn't the one that had been cutting his body, yet it had only been a month ago that he had added more cuts to the ladder on his arm. It sounded better to say 'over a month' than a month though, so he ran with it. "There's nothing wrong, so you have no reason to worry."

"You're not the same, Duo!" Heero exclaimed. "The last time we got together you were like a different person. You were happy and talkative. It was like you were on top of the world. But tonight," he paused. "Tonight you've been like an empty shell."

"Why do you even care so much Heero?" Duo snapped angrily. He didn't want to be reminded of the darkness that he couldn't keep contained inside. The darkness that was spewing out of every pore of his body, suffocating him. The darkness that he had been trying so hard to hide from everyone around him. He didn't want to think about how weak he felt because he couldn't control it or contain it. He wanted it all to go away.

"I care because I've fallen in love with you!" Heero snapped back in frustration.

Duo was taken aback by the confession, and before he could process the information Heero had ensnared his lips in a kiss. Emotions flooded Duo's mind and body. Anger and confusion, joy and excitement, fear and anxiety, arousal. All of this crashed down on him at once mixing with the alcohol. Deep inside he had a crush on Heero, but he had pushed those feelings deep deep down inside of himself because of his relationship with Treize. Now those feelings rushed to the top and his judgment was clouded by the overwhelming feelings inside.

The kiss deepened, but Duo did not resist. He let it happen, getting swept away in the moment. He felt Heero's hands slip under his t-shirt and his own hands entangled themselves in Heero's tousled brown hair. Their tongues collided, battling for control. Duo felt excitement and warmth race through his body and he knew he didn't want it to ever end. Heero pulled away, hesitation in his eyes and body language as if he had realized what they were doing was wrong. But Duo did not want it to stop. He didn't want to think about what was right or wrong. He wanted it to keep going. Without hesitation Duo pulled Heero back into the kiss, trying to convey his sense of need and want.
Heero attempted to pull away a second time, whispering, "Duo, this isn't right. You have a boyfriend. We can't do this."

"We both want it," Duo panted. "Please don't stop."

Heero hesitated for a second before leaning back into the kiss and letting his hands roam across Duo's body. Their movements were rushed, both men stripping each other of their clothing. Duo wanted it so bad he couldn't contain it. The sex was hurried and awkward as they had not moved off of the couch. When they finished, Duo sat back against the armrest of the couch, breathing heavily and heart racing while Heero sat at the end of his feet.

As Duo began to calm, his body began to come down from the high. Realization began to set in. Holy fuck. What did I just do? I just cheated on my boyfriend. What the fuck am I going to do? He wondered what he was supposed to say to Heero now. Should he tell Heero that what they did was a mistake; that he was with Treize and shouldn't have done it? Should he apologize? He had to say something; the silence was beginning to get awkward.

"I'm - I'm sorry Heero," Duo trailed off, moving to grab his jeans from the floor.

"About what?" Heero asked, watching as Duo reached for the clothing.

Duo paused when his hand had hold of the jeans, staring at the fabric. He fought to build up the courage to say what he thought he needed to say. "This was an accident; I'm already with Treize. We can't be a thing."

"Treize? Treize is clearly a piece of garbage if he allows you to continue doing this!" Heero raised his voice and grabbed Duo's knee to bring attention to the forest of cuts on Duo's thighs.

The second realization of the night came crashing down on him. He had been careless and the existence of the cuts was no longer a secret. But Heero had it wrong and that angered him. He had not lied about not cutting.

"You said you hadn't cut in over a month, but it's clear that many of these are less than a week old." Heero pointed out accusingly.
If there was one thing that Duo hated more than anything, it was being called a liar when he wasn't lying. It filled him with an uncontrollable rage. That rage built up and burst, causing Duo to growl, "I haven't been cutting myself!" Duo stood and pulled his jeans on. There was silence as Duo grabbed for his shirt and pulled it on before searching for his jacket and shoes.

"You haven't been cutting yourself," Heero mused before concluding, "Then that means that someone else has been cutting you. And I'd bet money on it being that piece of trash boyfriend you have."

Duo stared at Heero, shoes and jacket in hand. Fear and anger welled up inside of him. "It's none of your business Heero."

Heero stood abruptly, stepping forward to close the distance between them. He grabbed hold of Duo's shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "Duo, you are in a toxic relationship. You need to get out of it before something bad happens," Heero told Duo gently.

Duo glared at Heero, angry at him for thinking he could tell Duo what reality was and what he should do. One of the many buried voices in his mind leapt out of the darkness and told him that Heero was being honest and trying to help him.

"I'm not saying go break up with your boyfriend so you can start dating me. I'm saying you need to end the relationship to save yourself. How much longer will this cutting thing go on before he starts hurting you in ways that you don't like? How much longer before he starts hitting you out of anger; before he starts abusing you?" Heero rationalized.

Similar thoughts had already been lingering around in Duo's mind, but he had not wanted to confront them. He wanted so desperately for this relationship to be different from all the other ones he had been in; he wanted to believe that it WAS different and would never be like the others. But doubt filled him, and it had been creeping in for the past week. He was reminded of the suicide thoughts and how it had not been this bad in years. He wondered why he had let it all go on for as long as he had. Why did he ever think that his relationship with Treze was healthy?

"I don't know," Duo answered quietly, defeat filling his features.

"I'm sorry to put you through this Duo, but you need to do what's best for your sanity and health."

Duo looked down at his feet. It didn't matter what was best for him. It had never mattered before, so why should it matter now? "But I don't matter, so what's the point?" He whispered.

Heero lifted Duo's chin to look him in the eyes. "You do matter Duo. You matter to your friends. You matter to the world. You matter to me. You might not see or feel it right now, but you are significant. This world would not be the same without you. I don't know exactly how you're feeling right now, but I wish you would open up and talk to someone so they can help."

Duo contemplated what Heero had just said. It was hard to believe in that moment that he made any difference to anyone's lives, but he could not deny that talking to someone might help. But was Heero the right person? After the short period of time they had known each other, and what had just transpired? Duo wasn't sure, but he felt that if he didn't step through this open door that all the doors in his future would be perpetually closed.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. Would you mind if we talked?" Duo asked before the small amount of bravery he had gathered from the doubt could slip away.

"Are you sure you want to talk to me about everything?" Heero asked.

"Yeah, but maybe you should put some clothes on first." Duo pointed out candidly.

Heero nodded, "True." He pulled away and dressed quickly before they both sat down on the couch to talk.

End Chapter 14

Authors Note: Please note that conveying the depth and magnitude of depression and how it affects someone and people around them is difficult. I use my personal experiences in this story to help significantly, but it is still difficult to portray the magnitude of what is going on inside the mind.

I am open and interested in critique, especially about the technical aspect of my writing and how I can improve it.