Difficult

"Be gentle with the young."

-Juvenal

Chapter 14: Psychosis

Tracey awoke with a start. Through the dark, she could barely make out a dark silhouette, sitting atop of her. Already her heart was pounding in her chest, as she tried to move. Terror took hold of her as she realized that her arms were spread on either side of her and stuck to the bed. Her legs too were stuck to the bed, thought they weren't spread apart.

Suddenly the figure on top of her was hovering over her. She could feel soft and somewhat fragrant hair tickling her face. "You think you can say and do what you want and get away with it?" a sultry voice whispered in her ear, and Tracey felt her heart stutter to a painful stop before thudding on harder, though a bit slower.

Before she could say anything, a cold hand was clamped over her lips. "No talking, you are just going to listen. I don't care that you're Rodolphous' bastard offspring, and unlike Narcissa, I'm not afraid of his retaliation. I thrive on it," she hissed as her head lowered. Tracey could practically feel the woman's lips on the shell of her ear as she spoke. To feel her hot breath alone made her shiver in revulsion and thought her mind told her struggling was futile, her body disregarded that. "Wriggle all you want. That will only make this that much more enjoyable."

At that Bellatrix pulled something out of her robes. It caught the moonlight from the window and Tracey felt her eyes widen at the glint of metal. "Feel free to scream, no one will hear you, useful things, silencing spells," Bellatrix said with a demented cackle as she removed her hand from Tracey's mouth.

"What are you doing?" Tracey asked, and she hated that her voice was tinted with fear and panic. Her head was the only thing she could move and she watched with wide eyes as Bellatrix exposed her left forearm. Roughly, she had pushed the sleeve of the robes she'd been wearing to sleep all the way up to her elbow.

"Leaving you a reminder of what you are, so you'll never forget," she said, and Tracey could hear a smile in her voice . Tracey's breathing became shallow as she watched Bellatrix bring the blade of the knife close to her arm. Clenched her teeth, Tracey willed herself not to scream; she wouldn't give Bellatrix that satisfaction. However, that didn't keep her body from trying to buck Bellatrix off, or from trying to wriggle her arms away from her.

Tracey felt the cold metal of the blade before she felt it press into her skin. A scream rose up from her throat, but didn't make it past her clenched teeth, which were pressed so hard together that they hurt. Tracey was sure that they would crack beneath the pressure of her jaw.

Much as she tried not to, she couldn't keep the tears from sprouting in her eyes. Nor could she stop her body from attempting to thrash beneath the pain of the blade cutting into her skin, the slightest movement of her arm causing the knife to gauge deeper.

It felt like an eternity before Bellatrix rose. Trace lose sense of the world around her as she stared at the ceiling through watery eyes. Her throat felt tight and painful due to choking back the screams and sobs. She could feel the burning in her arm and the hot tears that silently continued to our down her face, but her mind was blank of anything but the pain. The world around her ceased to make sense and crumbled around her and she felt as though she had stumbled into one of her nightmares.

Her father was really coming for her.

She had know this for some time now, but she'd never allowed the implication to really sink in. But now, his shadows were stepping out of the dark and pulling at her, trying to pull her into the darkness.

She wasn't sure how long she merely lay there staring at nothing. She didn't know when Bellatrix left of released her body from the magical bind it was in. That didn't matter. She'd done her damage, and Tracey had been unable to do anything about it. This realization is what scared Tracey the most. Bellatrix had come like a thief in the night and shattered whatever sense of security Tracey had left.

When the sun's light started streaming in through the window, Tracey finally moved and turned her head to look at her left arm, which was still extended. Belatedly she was aware her muscles were all stiff form lack of movement, but she ignore this.

The blood on the would had not crusted, but through it she could see the word saved into her skin, dark red with her blood, written in all capitals. It ran horizontally along the length of her forearm.

BASTARD

That was what was written, for al the world to know. All her life, all she was, reduced to that one, derisive word. Tracey felt a last tear escape unbidden from her eyes, as she turned away from it and closed her eyes.

She focused on breath through her pain, and lay unmoving and unsleeping for several more hours. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't allow herself to sleep again. In her sleep... she was was vulnerable to attack, even if only from her own mind. She couldn't sleep.

XX

"I'm so glad you came, Severus," Narcissa stated as soon as he was inside Malfoy Manor. If Severus was surprised by Narcissa's urgent summoning, he wasn't showing it. However, he did note the somewhat alarmed look that Narcissa wore, and how she was wringing her hands and he wondered what was wrong.

"Did something happen to Draco?" he asked as he followed her rapid step down a long hall, lined with portraits.

"No, it's Tracey. I don't know whats wrong with her. For days she's been acting more and more erratic," Narcissa stated, sounding flustered as they came to a grand staircase and began to ascend. "And she keeps scratching her left arm, gouging out whole piece of skin and if I ever try to even touch her to make her stop, she starts screeching and growling like a wild animal."

Severus felt his heart clench and he wondered what was wrong with her. Unconsciously, he quickened his strides, hoping he could run to check on the girl. Something had to be wrong, this wasn't like her. She could be moody and temperamental, but this was something else.

"Did something happen?" he asked slowly. Eyeing Narcissa warily, hoping she didn't take this as him suggesting she id something to Tracey. Although, he wouldn't put it past her. After all, she was a Black and while she was more controlled and tame than her sister Bellatrix... they were still sisters.

"No," she replied icily. "She hasn't left her rom and no one but me is authorized to go in there. I thought perhaps... well that it just may be her blood. The Lestrange's have been a rather unstable lot for several generations now."

Severus didn't comment, though he thought drily on the hypocrisy of that statement. Inbreeding was rampant in the Blacks and even the Malfoys could be accused of the same. Not for nothing Bellatrix was so demented. However, he shoved this aside. Much as Tracey shared characteristics with her father and her uncle, she was a person all her own. He knew something had to have happened and felt anxious to get to her as they took several more hallways.

"She's in here," Narcissa said when at long last they came to a stop at a large ornate door, with now handle. It wasn't until Narcissa placed her hang on it, that one appeared. "I'll leave you to it," Narcissa said as she walked away.

Before she had even disappeared from sight he placed a hand on the handle and wrenched the door open. He quickly stepped inside and closed the door. The first thing he noticed was that Tracey was no in the room; followed by his noticing that the room, prior to being wrecked was quite lavish.

Tables had been knocked over. Somehow, one of the bedpost had been snapped and lay on the ground, splintered. Clothes had been ripped to rags and tossed around the room; feathers littered the whole room, Severus guessed that down pillows had been ripped apart. Though the bed for the most part was eerily untouched.

After staring around the destroyed room, Severus became aware of the sound f running water reaching his ear. Turning away from the room, he stared at a white door, which was cracked open. Considering the room looked like a tornado had passed through it, Severus didn't debated whether or not to go in. Considering the girl seemed to be in the middle of some kind of meltdown, that took precedence over everything else.

However, he opened the door cautiously. If the girl was having some kind of break, there was a chance that she would turn violent. Sudden movements were inadvisable.

Slowly stepping into the room, he noted that the tub was empty. However, there was a shower stall next to it. As he approached, he was aware of the sound of water getting closer. "Tracey, " he called softly as he rounded the wall and looked into the shower stall. Through the glass that separated him form the girl, he spotted her sitting, fully clothed, against a wall.

She wore a set of green robes, which he was thankful for, that clung to her body as they were utterly drenched. He noted that the arm farthest from hm had a the sleeve pulled up and was bleeding, as her hands pressed over her ears. Her knees were drawn to her chest, and her forehead rest against them. Her hair covered her face from sight and as the water continued to shoer down on her, he noted she was shivering.

"Tracey," he stated, all but shouted as he opened the glass door. Warily he noted that there was no steam coming from the water, a fact that worried him.

"It's in my head. It's not real," Tracey muttered to herself, shaking her head. "No one is here, I'm alone. Always alone."

Severus reached out a hand and as soon as he felt the icy coldness of the water, he shut if off. Fuck' he thought, how long has she been in there?

Disregarding his own safety, he swiftly stepped into the shower, clenched her wrist tight in his hands, and hauled her to her feet forcefully. Tracey looked up, startled, her eyes round and big. Severus couldn't help grimacing as he caught sight of her face. The are above and below her eyes was so dark that he was sure he she hadn't slept in at least a week. She was completely drawn and pale. Her lips looked like they were on their way to turning blue. His hands gripped her at her wrists, and he could feel the dangerously slow pulse of her heart.

Severus wasted no time in dragging the dripping girl out of the shower. Pulling out his wand, he quickly set to work on getting out several towels. Severus his his eyes and muttered a spell to divest the girl of her soaked robes a she stood before her, before wrapping a large and fluffy towel around her. Her body was shaking too much for him to care about how inappropriate this was. He needed her to get warm.

"What are you... doing here?" she asked through a tremulous voice as he dragged her back into the other room. Severus was nonplussed to see it was all back in order. The House Elves of Malfoy Manor were many and had no choice but to be efficient.

Severus ignore her question as he steered her and pushed her to sit on the edge of the bed. He pulled out a large set of robes from the repaired wardrobe; it was the only thing in the wardrobe that looked warm and walked back to the seated and trembling girl. He used an extra towel to dry her limbs and try to rub some warmth into them, before tossing the robes around her and ordering her to drop the towel. Having done this he moved her to the bed, at which she resisted him.

Gritting his teeth, he turned to her and forcefully picked her up and placed her on the bed. Having done this he magicked the covers over the girl and made them pin her down beneath them. "Do you remember the last time you slept?" he asked as he adjusted her pillows manually before proceeding to place warming charms on the comforters.

Tracey furrowed her brow at both the treatment and at the question as she continued to shiver, though it was starting to stop. She tried to concentrate on the question and how to answer, but it was hard. "Maybe a week, or more," she responded, though she could never be sure. Time went on in such a distorted way here.

Severus scowled. He'd feared as much. That kind of sleep deprivation was dangerous. However, he was startled she'd made it beyond the micro-sleeps, which happened after not sleeping for three days. "Show me your arm," he commanded. Tracey's eyes turned to look at him and narrowed. Severus briefly wondered if shiver of fear he felt run down his spine was because she was so ill, or if it was because the sleep deprivation had led to her psychosis, and made her look so terrifying.

"No," Tracey refused through gritted teeth. Severus felt slight relieved at her refusal. If she was still willing to fight with him, it meant that she was not giving up. Severus wondered how much strength she had left as he suddenly launched for her left arm.

Through Tracey may have wanted to stop him, she had no strength to. Her attempt to move out of his reach, failed miserably. He latched onto her arm and managed to get it out from beneath the covers while one of his arms pinned her across the shoulders to the bed. Tracey felt it was unfair being that even if she had been at her full strength, he would still be bigger than her.

The pain exchanged glared as Severus gripped tight to her arm and gently pushed the sleeve up. He inhaled sharply at what he saw there. Nearly from writ to elbow, there were deep and long scratches. It looked like Tracey was trying to gauge out, layer after layer of her skin with her own nails. Alone her forearm there were scratchers of varying lengths and degrees of healing. While some looked as though they had attempted to scab and were gouged open all over, others were fresh and bleeding.

However, beneath the scratches he was something more. There was something, apparently much deeper than the scratches, buried beneath. It looked like it had been a word, but Severus couldn't really make it out. He could only see bits and piece of what could have been a string of letters.

"Who did this?" Severus asked in his low, deadly tone.

"I did," Tracey snapped trying to wrench her arm out of his iron-grip. It was starting to hurt and she was sure he was cutting off her blood supply to her hand. She felt her cheeks flaming as she wondered why it always had to be Snape to witness her at her weakest. Angrily she wondered why he had come now. There was nothing he could do for her, and that prideful part of her wanted him to go away and leave her alone.

Severus raised his eyes to meet Tracey's. In the light of the room they looked like moss-covered rocks, sunken in deep pools. He stared at her defiant face, and the set line of her lips pressed tightly together. He could see her jaw working as she clenched her teeth. He wondered why it was so hard for her to tell him; he wondered why after all he did for her, why she couldn't trust him; he wondered how many times they would have to go through this. It was exhausting.

"This," Severus hissed, gripping her hand hard enough to bruise as he pointed to the remnants of a word. Tracey tried to yank her arm away but to no avail. "Who did it, Tracey? Why are you protecting them?"

"I'm not protecting anyone," Tracey yelled, sitting up and shoving him away with her free hand. Severus was so caught off guard by her abrupt movement that he left go of her arm and stumbled a step back. With her arm free, Tracey moved it to her chest and backed away, becoming a tight ball with her back pressed to the headboard; much the way he had found her in the shower, but for the fact she was looking at him and glaring as she panted from the exertion of sitting up and pushing him.

"Tracey," Severus suddenly found himself pleasing as he looked at the girl. She did not look like any animal. While to Narcissa, she had appeared a feral animal, to Severus she just appeared a wounded and scarred, girl. Tracey was human, and complex. He knew she had pride, and dignity, that she was ashamed of being scared, and she chose to be angry instead. But anger easily blossomed to violence and Severus didn't want violence to take root of her heat, but he was afraid it had already taken root. "Please, tell me what happened."

"Bellatrix Lestrange," Tracey grit out, her eyes narrowing on nothing "She came in the night and carved bastard on my arm with a knife," Tracey told him. Severus felt his mouth twist into a snarl but said nothing. He supposed that explained why she wouldn't sleep, she thought Bellatrix would come back. "If I ever get the chance, I'll kill her myself."

Severus ignored the pain he felt in his chest and hoped she was saying it the way the way teenagers usually meant it. However, the hatred he heard in her voice made him uneasy. "Tracey, you must sleep. This kind of sleep deprivation is dangerous," Severus stated in a measured tone.

Her eyes slowly drifted to him, widening in panic. She started shaking her dark and still wet head at him. "I can't sleep. Thats when they come," Tracey said, looking wild while putting her hands over her head. Severus watched in dismay as she tugged on her hair and alternately banged her fist on her head. She's been having delusions as well, he thought.

It was not unexpected. It did come with the psychosis after all. Severus wasn't surprised if it mixed with her paranoia and she had delusions of other people coming for her in the night. Thought, it was quite obvious that what happened with Bellatrix was no delusion. And for all intents and purposes, her father was after her.

Putting his knees on the bed, he reached out for Tracey and gently pried her hands away from herself. "You have to sleep," he told her sternly. She gave him a pleasing look, and it actually hurt him to see it. But this was for her own good. "I'll stay with you and no one will hurt you while you sleep," he told her as he moved back and pulling her until she was in the middle of the large bed.

"You promise?" Tracey asked uncertainly and in a small voice, which painfully made him think ot her as a small child. But she wasn't. She was sixteen, or at least he thought she was. Unless her birthday was at the end of August. Severus shook his heat of the thoughts.

"Ye, Tracey, I promise," Severus stated. Though she looked at him skeptically, she said no more and crawled back under the covers. Soom as she settled in and closed her eyes, she was fast asleep. Severus guessed that she had been fighting desperately for days to stay conscious. He supposed that was why he found her, fully clothed, taking a cold shower, to keep herself jarred into consciousness.

Severus sighed and settled in at the foot of the bed, leaning against the post. He supposed that he was here for several hours. He wondered what Pettigrew would make of his long absence, however, he didn't really care what the rat thought. Looking at him and knowing that he was part of the reason Lily was dead made him want to kill the man with his own bare hands.

As for Narcissa, she'd asked him here. He was about to throw away his life for her son. She owed him, BIG TIME. Draco may be one of his students and therefore responsibilities, and he may be nothing more than a boy, but sometimes Severus thought the boy was just a great waste of human potential. Tracey was worth far more than the likes of the Malfoy boy.

Quickly, Severus became bored and uncomfortable, and turned to stare at Tracey. For a moment, he wondered how she managed to keep at all sane. Already she had been here for weeks. Without any stimulus for her mind and only her thoughts, which were sure to be anything but cheerful. Any person would go mad. She hadn't.

And yet, Severus felt worried. She was so young, it was what every tragedy of her life constantly reminded him of. She was too young for all this. She endured, but everyone had a breaking point, and as he stared at her deathly pale face and the dark circles that engulfed her eyes, he felt she was nearing her breaking point.

XX

Several hours later, Tracey started to wake. Severus had moved to sit beside her, leaning against the head board, as that was more comfortable than leaning against a bed post which's ornate decorations were digging into his back.

He felt her begin to move her head, her brow furrowing while she mumbled sleepily to herself. She was having a nightmare, he realized belatedly as he leaned forward to get a closer look. For a moment, he wondered whether he should wake her, or leave her be. Perhaps she would settle into sleep once more. However, her movement's were becoming more frantic and she was shutting her eyes tighter. Clearly not, he thought to himself drily. He wondered if perhaps part of her problem with sleeping was the nightmares, or if the nightmares were simply due to her recent attack.

"Tracey," he stated softly, placing a hand on her arm and trying to gently shake her awake. However, the second he placed his hand on her, she suddenly sat bolt upright and screamed, looking wildly around. "Tracey, its all right," Severus said sternly, somewhat flustered as he wasn't quite sure how to help her.

She turned around to look at him at that, her green eyes wide and catching the light. There were starbursts around her eyes that looked almost yellow, and for a moment her eyes looked like lily pads. Belatedly he noted that her eyes were gleaming with unshed tears. Before he really knew what was happened, the girls arms were awkwardly wrapped around him and she had pressed her face so hard into his chest he was sure she would leave a bruise.

"He's a monster," she weeped into his chest, her body shaking. Severus wondered for a second how many times he was going to have his arms full of Tracey, but shoved the thought aside as he slowly dropped his arms around her. He ignored the fact that she was clutching on his robes, and that her words for whatever reason pained him to hear. "Do you think my... mother knew? Did she think I was just like him?" Tracey asked, hiccuping as she looked up and stared at Snape with wide eyes.

Severus wasn't sure what to say. As long as he could remember, the only way he knew how to use his words, was to hurt people. "You're not a monster Tracey, and you are your own person," he stated slowly. He was very uncomfortable, but he'd always felt a responsibility to protect his students. At least the Slytherins.

"Than why didn't she love me?" she asked, tears leaking from her eyes still.

In all his years teaching, this wasn't the first time he'd had to deal with a crying girl. As far as crying went, considering all Tracey went through in her short life, she hadn't done a lot of crying and whenever she did cry she was well justified. However, even through all the years, it still made him extremely uncomfortable.

"I can't answer that, Tracey. I don't know your mother, and I don't know how she expressed love if she felt it," he stated softly, trying to make the blow she was sure to receive at that, less harsh. He felt his heart clench when he felt her shudder and bury her face in his chest once more. "You should really try to get more sleep, Tracey," he said, reluctantly patting her head. Soon enough, she stopped shivering. However, Severus couldn't remove his hand from her hair. It was dry already, and very soft. Severus was sure he'd never touched anything softer or silkier.

"Will you stay with me?" she asked, looking up at him. Her face was still wet from her previous crying, and her eyes wide and wet, but... and he hated to admit it considering the pain she was in, they were oddly gorgeous. He found himself silently nodded. Unconsciously, he regretted the fact that this meant she would move away and he'd lose contact with her hair, but he was wrong. The girl merely settled back in there, curled up into his chest with one arm draped around his middle.

And before he knew it, she was once more asleep.

TBC...

A/n: Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. Hope someone is still reading this... Anyway as always please review!