Rhettlee- Thank you for your review !
SuzQQ – Thanks for the review – Noah and Santana will work on their differences I promises. Noah will always protect his sisters ! All of them – which at the moment includes Quinn – they will be more like siblings – no romance between them. You may be seeing where Shelby gets some of her strength from shortly – thanks again for the review
wintergirl123 – I am glad you love the story – We'll see where we go with Britt and San but Puck and Quinn are going to stay more as siblings
I-taylorlautner – How could you not like Judy – she is so maternal (haha) – Puck and Santana will work out their differences – Santana is just so sad right now –
w1cked – You will have to get in line to kick Judy's a$$. Do you really think a few months in jail will help poor Judy? Something tells me it may take more than that – I am glad you are enjoying this and I hope to continue to please you!
RainbowGleek – Judy was a surprise to everyone! She has shaken things up quite a bit. It will take a while to get over some of the damage she has done. Thanks for the review.
FacingFuture – Yeah – Judy is a boatload of crazy and you will get a little more insight on Quinn's upbringing real soon. Thankfully she slept through mothers visit – she lived it so seeing it live in front of other people would have been awful! Puck and Santana will work it out I promise – siblings have their issues. Rachel will always be the optimist! Thanks for taking the time to review my story – it keeps me going!
Chickabilly – Your reviews are epic. I cannot get over them. Hold on tight, your level of hatred of Judy may increase, but don't worry….I have something planned. Puck's flashback is so sad and funny. I agree. However, this chapter too is filled with paradox. They're gut punching if you know what's coming. ;) Rachel is very sweet. Well, I revealed a great deal in this chapter. Though I'm still teasing, hopefully I answered some questions. I hope.
Gleek1990 – I am honored that it is your favorite fic – you will find out what Santana was talking about sometime in the future. I don't think San is ready to reveal that – Thanks for your kind words. I hope to keep you entertained.
val-cb – Thank you!
dreamchaser888 – Your review was beautiful. Thank you for the kind kind words. Shelby is a very strong woman and she has had to be. She is going to turn each one of these kids into strong adults trust me on that.
Twilight2892 – Quinn parents love their alcohol! What a way to be raised. Hopefully we can keep her away from the parents of the year – Puck's past will be revealed more and more and I am glad you liked it. All the kids have a lot of guilt they need to work through – thank you for your review – they always make me smile
OTHangels – There is plenty more to come with Brittany and Santana! Santana needs it. Quinn and San will be a bumpy ride – they are just so much alike in so many ways! Thank you for taking the time to review my story – I am glad you are enjoying it.
AcexofxSpades – Don't get me started on the show! I am not a fan of how they portray Shelby or any of the ladies actually – I am not sure how long this story will last – but it wont be ending anytime soon – as long as my readers keep wanting more. Thank you for reviewing!
cpasq9 – Poor Santana is a bit lost right now but with Shelby and some therapy I am sure she will be finding her way – Thank you for the review.
WittyNinja – I aim to please ! Keep reviewing it makes me very happy.
ArmyOfWuh – Good torture? I don't mean to kill you or tease you – its just that Santana has to let things out in her own time. It's a process and there are some things right now that she just can't let out yet. But soon I promise. I hope you stay with me! Thanks for your review, I am glad you are enjoying it – I think?
marinka4 – I don't think the Fabrays are on anyone's Christmas card list. They certainly aren't on Santa's good list! I am thinking things for the Fabrays are not going to get better anytime soon I just hope the youngest Fabray can be saved.
Random Dice – Noah has his issues too and trust me with Shelby as his mom – he will work out his issues with Santana – they have just hit a rough patch. This was certainly wasn't one of Judy's finest moments. Thanks for the review.
othlvr16 – There will be some happy moments – how can there not be when we have Rachel being Rachel - - but this family has a lot of work to do but trust me – there will be some joy. Thank you for reviewing.
NinjaGleek21 – Stand in line to hit Judy – I don't think if Shelby let Santana reach her we would have much left of Judy – Santana will work it out sometime too and she will get happy again.
Renata – I promise you I try to get these chapters out as fast as I can! I hate making my readers wait but these take time I promise you! All of your questions will be answered in the upcoming chapters too! Thanks for the review.
TommyH – Thank you!
jennifer0912 – yes it is a slow unravel – I am glad you are feeling better – Thanks
amandaes417 – Your review almost made me cry. Thank you so much. I try to do my best to capture everyone's emotions. There will be plenty more Shelby/Rachel moments too. I am really happy that you love this story so much. Thank you
SparkleInTheSun - Rachel is very adorable – thank you for reviewing. The reviews keep me focused and I want to get the chapters out faster for my dedicated readers.
broadwaybound2016 – Thank you so much for your review. I am trying my best to keep everyone entertained with my tale ! I think Rachel is the one that is going to keep everyone connected together – she is just that kind of person. I do my best trying to get all of these chapters out as quickly as possible. But I only want to give you the best and this family has been through a lot so hang in there and we can take this ride together!
Cissy Black Malfoy – Santana is so complex – she will show her vulnerable moments too. She has had to be so strong for so long it is harder for her walls to come down right now. Thank for the review
TheTBone – haha. First of all thank you, I always look forward to your reviews. I have a feeling that this might be a hard chapter for too. Santana's anger is surely a breaking point. As you will see by the end of this chapter, Sanny has a lot to deal with. Rachel is unquestioningly the strongest in a lot of way because she's eleven and possesses an innocence that not all of them have. However, time makes you older and children get older. Just to warn you, you may, just may, need a box of tissues for the last scene. Don't skip ahead, but your heart may break again for San. I loved your favorite parts. There's a lot that Quinn is coping with. You will see. Shelby is fantastically wonderful in mama-bear mode. And I'm super happy you caught onto her and Gus! let me know what you think.
NayaFan – Oh Puck never forgets that he has another sister – he just knows how different they are! Don't worry – Puck and San will find their way – I hope you enjoy this chapter and I always look forward to your reviews. Thank you so much for your review – Santana and Puck are closer in age so he feels he can care for Rachel more- I am glad you are enjoying it
Miriam – Thank you so much for the kind review. This was a very emotional chapter but there are more to come for this family – Stay tuned and I hope to keep you entertained.
Wentzie72 – More flashbacks are coming – I am glad you liked the chapter.
Anons – I know you want updates and I try to update as quickly as I can but I only want to put out my best work and tell the story the way it should be told. Thank you for sticking with me and thank you for your patience.
PLEASE READ: this chapter was all sorts of trickery. I revealed some but not all. You all really set the bar for me this last chapter. I'm starting to think that the only direction I can go is down. I haven't watched last night's Glee yet. I hope you like the chapter. Thank you all for your support. I am continuously humbled. PS. a certain someone who has done so much for me, mentioned to me that in this part especially she kept picturing the gorgeous Taye Diggs as Leroy. Once that was said, i couldn't help but agree.
Chapter 14
Shelby folded the kitchen towel after she finished washing her hands. The house was so silent it was strange. Four children and barely a noise. Things had been silent with the drive home from the police station. Things were silent when they picked up take out for dinner and dinner itself had been brutally silent. Noah kept glaring over at Santana, who seemed to have Rachel permanently snuggled into the older brunette's side. Quinn picked at her slice of pizza as if it were a delicacy.
She had barely been able to coax some food into the kids. Even Noah only ate half of the large pizza that he normally ate. She gave a small scoff. Perhaps it was an upside that her son wasn't vacuuming up the obscene amount of food that he normally consumed. The older three had left the table without a word. Shelby caught Noah glaring at Santana. She had a feeling that he wasn't just mad at Santana for leaving Rachel distraught with him. He was mad about the same thing he was always mad about with Santana.
Shelby had been looking out the window after dinner trying to gather her strength, when she felt a small tug on her side.
"Mom, can I help you?" Rachel asked quietly.
Watching her baby girl help her wash and dry the dishes, she remembered the pang deep in her chest. Shelby never felt so helpless. She felt terribly because Rachel kept looking at her with her dark questioning eyes. She wanted too badly to tell her daughter that things weren't complicated. She wanted to tell her that they were all going to be alright. She wanted to tell her that what happened eight years ago wouldn't affect their future happiness. However, Shelby could only give her youngest daughter a sad smile, begging her to be patient.
Now everyone was up in their bedrooms and Shelby was sure that they each were staring off into space left only with their own turmoil. She heard a little rustle. She gave a smirk, maybe all except for one. She took a breath and climbed up the stairs. She had just hung up with Jackie on the phone. They talked about Quinn's therapy. They were originally scheduled to only meet with Jackie. However, because of the surgery and now because of the most recent Fabray family member exchange, she had to rearrange the schedule so that Santana and Quinn could go to their therapy appointments.
She peeked into Quinn's room first. The girl was pretending to read a book from her make shift bed on the floor.
"Could you please start on the bed tonight?" Shelby asked. She knelt down to the girl's level. "Is there anything that I can do to make you feel safer in our house?"
Quinn's mouth opened as she tried to process Shelby's words. She knew that she must have given it away; her make-shift bed was clearly a textbook example of "child who does not feel safe in bed." It was clear why she couldn't sleep in a bed. That safety was violated too long ago. She saw that Shelby was trying. How do establish a safety when feeling safe feels more foreign than feeling threatened? She chewed on her bottom lip and gave a shrug. Shelby motioned for her to stand.
Quinn shook her head. "You should be with Santana or Rachel…..My mother ruined this day. She ruined everyone's day. I'm the one to blame, not the one you should be …." Quinn paused. "Whatever it is you're doing."
She was silent as Shelby examined her drains and the wounds. She heard her faintly mutter that they looked all right.
"Quinn, look at me," Shelby said gently. "You're here because I want you here. Your parents have let you down in so many ways because they are weak and unhappy people. They always have been. You, my dear, are an exception. You are strong, brave, and incredible." She paused for a moment before continuing. "In more ways than you know. So I am thankful that your parents made a mistake and made a beautiful girl that is nothing like them. Do you hear what I'm saying?"
The girl searched the woman's eyes. "Are you going to say stuff like this to me every night?" She gave a tiny smirk.
"Absolutely," Shelby said. "Get used to it."
"Is Rachel alright?" Quinn asked as she sat on the bed. Shelby handed her the antibiotic and a pain pill. Quinn took the antibiotic but shook her head at the other pill. "I don't need that. I'm feeling better."
"Are you lying?" Shelby asked without hesitation.
Quinn was taken aback by her honest question.
"No…." she said swallowing the antibiotic.
"Taking this doesn't make you weak," the mother told her. "Please just take it until the drains come out and then you don't need to take them anymore".
"Well, it makes me feel like I am," she whispered. "Can you…." She searched for her words. "Can you tell Santana that I'm sorry?"
Shelby took the glass from the girl. "You can tell her yourself in the morning."
Quinn groaned internally. "I would rather not," she muttered.
"The two of you need to swallow your pride," she said leaning down and kissing Quinn on the top of her head and handed the girl the small lamb. She locked eyes with the girl. "Not your pain. I'll see you in the morning, sweetheart." She stopped at the door. "Come get me if you need anything. Okay?"
Quinn gave a small nod. She watched Shelby disappear from sight. She wouldn't, but the fact that the offer was presented was enough. She tilted her head and softened her gaze. She pulled her legs up to her chest and settled against the headboard of the bed. She gave a smirk. Sweetheart, she repeated to herself as she rested her chin on her knees. She gave the tiniest of smirk that one would need a microscope to find. That was nice.
Shelby closed the door most of the way and made her way down the hallway. Rachel's bedroom door was open and she could see her youngest rummaging around her room.
"Bug, please get ready for bed," Shelby said peeking her head into the room.
"I'm looking for George, Mom," she said quietly as she continued to look. Shelby reached over Rachel's bed that was snug against the wall. Leroy had always insisted that the kids' beds started out against a wall. Like a lot of things, Rachel never grew out of it. George was wedged up against the wall between the mattress and apparently keeping two other stuffed toys.
Shelby gave George to her daughter. She watched as Rachel shifted her weight from foot to foot.
"If you want, after you've gotten ready for bed, brushed your teeth, combed your hair, maybe you can come snuggle with Sanny and me," she said quietly. She traced her fingers over the bruises on her arms. "How does your arm feel?"
Rachel shrugged a single shoulder in the arm that wasn't coddling George. "Does San want to see me?"
Shelby gave a small chuckle. "She always does, bug."
She closed the door leaving her daughter and went down to her son's room. She gave a gentle knock.
"Yeah?" she heard her son answer. It was important if you had a teenage son to knock.
"Hey there," she said as she entered the room. She gathered up a pile of her son's clothes. "You really need to clean in here, buddy," she said with a smirk.
She sat on the bed and looked at her eldest, her boy. "You know, you need to talk to her," she said carefully.
"She's so damn irresponsible, Mom," he spat. "She doesn't listen. She just… Does whatever she wants. She doesn't think about Rachel. She just doesn't think."
"Noah," Shelby said with a soothing breath. She watched her brave boy who sported that ridiculous Mohawk. "We need to let our children express themselves," she heard Leroy whisper in her memory. She remembered laughing at him. "Wearing purple and orange every day may be expressing themselves, but drawing on the wall with peanut butter is not a form of expression as much as it is a headache," she remembered telling Leroy when one of the kids was looking at them with a sheepish grin covered in mess.
She returned to the present. That was a long time ago. Shelby looked at her son. "What are you really angry about?" she asked.
He shook his head angrily. "She doesn't listen. She doesn't listen." His voice was low and uncharacteristically distant. "She doesn't… I'm supposed to …. I'm supposed to protect her and she never lets me. S-She never even lets me get close."
There it was. Shelby sat up straighter. There was the issue.
Shelby watched her son. She had seen him like this many times before, but the one that came to mind was at the park six years ago, soon after they moved to Lima.
Shelby propped Rachel on her hip and ushered her son through the emergency room doors.
"She's an idiot!" Almost twelve year old Noah said with a frustrated sigh.
"Noah!" Shelby scolded.
"She was trying to push that bigger boy away from me," Rachel whispered loudly into her mother's ear.
"I was going to take care of that!" Noah said with a stomp.
Shelby looked at her eldest with a sigh. She spotted Santana on the exam table. A doctor was stitching up her arm. The five year old scrambled out of Shelby's arms and ran over to Santana.
"Are you okay?" she asked carefully looking at the stitches in awe.
"She's fine!" Noah huffed. "Always are, right San?"
The ten year old narrowed her eyes and glared at her brother. "Why are you being such a spitwad?"
"Santana!" Shelby said with a sigh.
"You're the one who is acting like a selfish idiot," Noah barked back.
"That's it," Shelby said as she lifted Rachel on to the exam table. "Bug, stay here. Noah, come with me. Santana, watch your sister."
"Careful, Mom. She might punch the doctor," Noah spat.
"Come on," Shelby said as she pulled her son into the hallway. Once down the hallway she looked at her angry boy. "What's up, dude?"
"Nothing," he huffed.
"Really? That didn't seem like nothing."
"Well it was," he sighed.
"Noah, look at me. Focus," she said gently kneeling down to his eyelevel.
He sighed and his frown softened. "We made a promise."
"What type of promise?" Shelby asked carefully.
"She was…. She was supposed to let me help her. I'm the big brother!" He looked at his mother. "I'm the big brother!"
She gave a nod and realized what this was about. "You're not a bad big brother."
He leaned against the hallway. "I'm the big brother," he repeated.
"You are," Shelby said as she combed her hand through his dark hair. "And right now they need you to be in there and not yelling back here. Can you do that?"
He shrugged.
"Noah, you're a good big brother," she said trying again.
She watched him soak in her words.
He frowned. "She needs to stop acting like the big brother. I'm the big brother."
She realized she wouldn't get far with this conversation. "I know, Noah, but you have to let San be the big sister. And plus none of you should be punching anyone." She gave him a small smile. "That's why Daddy nicknamed San, Taz. Remember why?"
Noah smirked. "Because she's crazy and destroys everything in her path?"
Shelby tilted her head. "Not exactly, but kinda." She laughed remembering her best friend and ex-husband. Her son interrupted her thoughts.
"Even if they hurt Rachel?" he asked defensively. He sounded angry but she saw her son's trepidation.
She searched his eyes. This was such a difficult topic. "I'm the grown up. You're the kid. You come get me."
"What if you're not there?" he asked honestly.
She looked at him honestly. "I will be." She sighed. "Your sister punched this kid instead of coming to get us. She should have walked away."
Noah gave a smirk. "We're Corcorans, Mom. We don't walk away without a fight, remember?"
"That's a phrase," Shelby said with a smile. "I mean in theory."
He frowned. "So you lied?"
Shelby laughed. "No, but that doesn't mean that we fight with our fists."
Noah frowned deeper. "Then what do we fight with?"
Shelby laughed. "Let's go check on the girls. Talk to her later please?"
He gave a shrug. "I guess… but only because she's my sister."
Shelby nudged her son. "Especially because she's your sister."
"Mom?" Noah asked forcing her to come out of her memory. "Promise me something?"
She looked at him carefully. "Quinn can never go back and live with them. Okay?" He shrugged. "She's practically my sister now… and ….. It can't happen. Okay?"
"I'll do my best," she said with a smile. "I'm proud of you, buddy."
He shrugged. "Whatever."
She watched him cautiously before saying, "Your dad would be proud of you."
His reaction didn't change. He shrugged again. "Whatever."
"Talk to your sister tomorrow please and apologize for being a punk?" She smirked when he gave a small smile at her words.
He smiled and said, "Only because she's my sister."
"Especially, because she's your sister," she corrected.
…..
Shelby took a breath outside of Santana's door. She put her hand on the wooden door. She took a moment to bring her strength together. Santana had always been so tough. Shelby knew even eight years later that she didn't know all of the nasty things that Hiram had whispered in her daughter's ear. She didn't know all of the damage he had really done to her, but she had never been able to push her to tell her. Santana did what she wanted in her own time, or, Shelby thought with a chuck, at Rachel's time.. She knew that all of her children had endured so much, but she didn't know the side remarks. She was always on the outside of that experience. She didn't know what had happened. She had only been able to gather the pieces that they had left scattered like breadcrumbs over the past eight years.
She knocked gently and walked into the room. Santana was curled up in her bed in a fetal position. She had her back turned away from her. Shelby could see her back heaving with shaky breaths. She bit her lip. She had been afraid of this. She wondered how her tough girl was really handing Quinn's insults and Judy's bitter fury. She knew unquestioningly that Santana would never back down from a fight. She felt it when she was trying to hold the girl back from Judy and she heard it in the daggered words Santana was always so quick to fire off. Santana's continually fortifying shell was not something that she questioned. It was what she was really feeling. It was all of those whispers and the insecure, little girl that lay beneath the tough skin that she wondered about.
Shelby walked across the room and peaked through the slightly ajar door that led into the bathroom. She saw Quinn through the bathroom sound asleep on the bed. She gave a small sigh of relief. She closed the door most of the way and turned to her daughter.
"Oh, Taz," she whispered.
She crawled into bed next to her eldest. She saw Santana's shoulder droop slightly. She knew that Santana must have shifted her eyes slightly, realizing her presence. She wrapped her arm around Santana's middle with one hand and with the other she gently brushed her hair out of the girl's face. There were so many reasons why the girl would be upset, but a feeling deep in the pit of Shelby's stomach told her that she didn't really know what had pushed Santana over the edge.
"Shhh," she soothed. "Shhhh."
Shelby didn't hear the door creak open. She didn't even hear the tiny sock-clad feet tip toe across the wooden floor. She only realized that Rachel was in the room, when she crawled onto the bed. Her light weight barely shifted the mattress. She watched with a slight smile as Rachel crawled with George's hand gripped in her own palm. Her youngest snuggled in front of Santana and the older girl instinctively pulled Rachel close. Shelby continued to gently run her hand through Santana's hair as the girl sobbed.
Rachel rolled over slightly and looked up at her sister. She reached her free hand up and wiped away her sister's tears. Her hand lingered and cupped her sister's cheek. She gave her big sister a soft smile and snuggled into her chest. Her sister was wearing one of their father's old sweatshirts. Rachel didn't remember much about her father, but she knew that smell. She associated the smell of the cologne that Santana sprayed periodically into her father's old sweatshirt not just with the man she never truly got to know but with her sister that never left her. She felt Santana's sobs heave into her as she gripped on tighter to her trying her best to convey that she would never leave too.
Shelby was reminded in that moment all that she didn't know about the girls: all the secrets that they shared and kept hidden. Santana rolled onto her back and allowed Rachel to settle her head on Santana's chest. Shelby continued to comb her hand through Santana's hair as she watched two of her three girls succumb to sleep as she heard the gentle snores of her third in the other room.
…
Leroy poured the coffee into his mug. He brought it up to his lips and watched as his ex-wife stared at him across the island. The giggles and squeals of their three children seemed to offer suitable background music.
"What?" he asked with a chuckle.
"Marriage, already?" she asked with tilt of her head and an arch of her eyebrow.
"Hey," Leroy said with his charismatic and hardy laugh. "I thought you weren't going to judge. Plus isn't this conversation a little late? The wedding was yesterday."
Shelby shook her head and took a sip of her own coffee. "Have you met me?"
He shook his head with a smirk. "Oh, Shell. I mean come on. What do you expect? We're in love. We care about each other."
She smirked. "Don't give me all this love crap, Leroy. Anyway a blind, deaf mute could see you're in love. However, I don't know …. He just seems….." As she searched for her words, she caught his weary eyes. "Don't get me wrong. I think you deserve every happiness." She went back to frowning. "But there's something that seems off. I don't want you to get hurt."
He set down his mug and put his hands gently on her arms. "We're best friends aren't we?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yes."
"I mean I think only best friends can somehow made a marriage work after almost ten years—''
"Nine. Almost nine," Shelby said with a chuckle. "Don't be a hero."
"And three beautiful children," he said with an arch of his eyebrow and another grin.
"What's your point?" Shelby laughed. "By the way, I think those beautiful kids of ours are up to no good. I don't hear them." She frowned and strained her eyes. "Kids?" She shot her ex-husband a panicked glance. "Do you think they put Rachel in the dryer again?"
Leroy shook his head. "Nah, I talked to them about that." He saw Shelby's frown of worry. "Taz?" he called out.
"Yeah, Daddy?" They heard a tiny voice from down the hallway.
"Why does she always answer you without question?"
Leroy smiled with pride. "San's my girl. Noah and Rachel love you more. You have two. Let me be San's favorite."
Shelby laughed.
He continued, "Are you and Noah being nice to your sister? You didn't package her up in a box to send her to Grandma or put her in the dryer again did you?"
"No, daddy," Santana hollered back with a giggle.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" Shelby called out. There was a long pause. "Santana," Shelby repeated.
"Paintin'!" Rachel chirped.
She heard the hushed whispers of Santana and Noah.
"Guys," Leroy called out with his warning tone.
"We're cleaning it up," Noah's voice assured from down the hallway. Shelby and Leroy exchanged looks. "And Rachel too!"
"Do not put her in tub until we get there," Shelby said carefully. "You have two minutes and your father and I are coming back."
"You guys were supposed to be getting ready to go to your Mom's," Leroy warned. "Two minutes beginning now." Leroy turned back to Shelby. "Where were we?"
"Something about having beautiful children," Shelby said.
"Right." He took a deep breath. "Shelby, Hiram won't change anything."
"That's crap and you know it," Shelby said her smile fading. She looked down the hallway to make sure no little heads were peaking around the corner. "I'm not upset about the changes. I want you to be happy. I really do. I just….. Something is off with him. I can't explain it." She met Leroy's eyes. "The kids don't like him either you know."
"Because they are afraid that they'll lose you," Leroy said.
Shelby shook her head. "I can't do this London thing, Leroy."
"You have to!" Leroy said with a grin. "It will be incredible for you career!"
"I'm a child psychologist," Shelby said with na arch of her eyebrow.
"With a two Tonys," Leroy said forcing Shelby to grin with pride. He shrugged. "London's what? Three months? Just in time for Rachel's birthday." He laughed and looked at her seriously. "You know you're just getting cold feet about London because you're afraid you'll come back in three months and the kids will like me better."
Shelby chuckled. "You would be too. I've never left them for that long." She bit her lip and gathered her words. "I trust you with my life and our children, but I don't know, Leroy. Hiram …. Is….." She saw Leroy's look of betrayal and agitation surface in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I know. He's your husband and the love your life. But we made a promise not to lie to each other and I don't trust him."
The smile was gone from Leroy's eyes. He shook his head slightly. "Well you need to figure out how because he's the kids' stepdad now." He started to walk down the hallway toward the kids.
"Leroy, don't be mad."
The man stopped mid step and took a beat before turning around. "I'm not mad. We'll be fine, Shelby. I promise."
Shelby's eyes snapped open in the darkness. Leroy had lied. She looked over at the girls and could see that they were both sleeping soundly. Santana's arms were wrapped tightly around Rachel and the tiny girl curled into them as if they fit perfectly as the old monkey hung, neglected by the bedside. Shelby kissed them both lightly and pulled the comforter up around them. She glanced at the bedside clock on Santana's night stand. 1:09am. The side lamp was still on. Shelby reached behind the clock. Several photograph frames littered the dresser. Mostly of Santana's friends at school. However, there was one in the back that Shelby knew that Santana never had the heart to put away nor the strength to bring out front with the rest. It was a picture of the five of them. The kids, her and Leroy. It was before the divorce, before Hiram, and before everything felt like it was falling apart.
Shelby carefully pulled it out and held it in her hands. She looked at it with wistful silence. Rachel about eighteen months. It had been a trip to the beach to look at the ocean. Rachel was sitting on Shelby's lap. She wasn't looking at the camera though or, if Shelby remembered correctly, was holding still. The baby girl was looking up at Shelby with a grin. Noah was standing no the ledge that Shelby was sitting on with his hand resting on Shelby's shoulder. She remembered that he had been so proud because he had climbed it by himself. Nevertheless, the arm that wasn't holding Rachel still on Shelby's lap was clamped around Noah's middle. Her eyes settled on Leroy and she felt a lump in her throat. She missed him everyday. Everyday she wondered what life would have been like if he was still alive. She shook her head. In the photograph, he was smiling his goofy, open-mouthed smile. He was mid-laugh. Both of his arms were holding Santana steady by her knees as she sat on his shoulders. He was leaning against the wall right next to Noah. Shelby felt herself pause as she took in Santana's frame. Santana had never looked so happy. She was laughing and staring down at her father. Shelby shook her head remembering why. In Santana's left hand was an ice cream cone. It was dripping on Leroy. Shelby laughed. As soon as the photo had been taken, the ice cream tumbled onto Noah. What a mess.
She silently put the picture back. It was a picture of what was and what never would be. She stood up and walked quietly down the hallway. Noah was sprawled out on his bed more than usual. A restless sleep for sure. She climbed over the obstacle course that was his room and pulled him limbs all back onto the bed and covered him gently with his blankets.
She stopped last as always at Quinn's. As she entered the room, she noted the suitcases in the corner. She needed to help Quinn unpack those again and she would be sure to put them with the other luggage in the basement.
She gave a sigh. Quinn, of course, crawled onto the make-shift bed on the floor. Shelby helped the groggy girl back into bed after checking her wounds making sure that things hadn't come out of place. She tucked the girl back in and lingered at the door before she turned back to her own room. Things might feel shattered and broken and perhaps they were in a way, but they weren't going to break. She closed the door and went quietly to her room. She settled in her own bed trying not to remember all that she could have done better. She took one last glance at the clock 1:42am before she closed her eyes.
…
"Mom?"
Shelby opened her eyes. So much for lazy Sundays, she thought to herself. She cracked open her eyes.
"Yes, bug?"
"Can I lay in here?"
Shelby sat up. She looked over at her clock. Seven-thirty. She sighed and looked at her little morning bird.
"Of course," Shelby said as she sat up. "Did you come in here because Santana's still sleeping?"
Rachel nodded. "I don't understand why we have that rule."
"What rule? The no waking up teenagers on Sunday until ten AM rule? You'll see someday, Rach," Shelby said wrapped her arms around Rachel. "Hopefully you will discover the luxuries of sleeping in." Shelby gave a sigh. "Listen, bug. Your sisters and brother might be really exhausted today. So at ten am you're not going to pounce on any of them. We're going to let them wake up on their own."
She looked down at the girl in surprise when she didn't hear any protests. "What?" she asked.
"You said sisters and brother," Rachel said.
"Oh," Shelby said, not realizing it. "So I did."
"I like that," Rachel muttered as she lay on her mother waiting for the day to begin.
At eleven-thirty, Shelby was still in the same position. Rachel was getting hard to contain. Much to Rachel's confusion Shelby finally suspended her grounding restrictions and allowed her to go to Kurt's for the afternoon. Rachel needed to get out of the house and Shelby needed time with the three older kids.
She checked on Santana first and saw that she was still sound asleep. She didn't even need to look in on Noah because she could hear snoring down the hallway. She stopped at Quinn's door and saw that the girl was sitting up in bed.
"Morning," Shelby said gently coming into the room.
"Hi," Quinn grumbled as she sat up.
Shelby promptly grabbed the supplies she needed. "This won't take long. Okay? I promise."
The blonde searched her eyes. She knew the trust was there. She laid silently on her stomach and allowed Shelby to left her shirt and clean the wound on her back. Her heart beat in anticipation of second drain the one just below the cleft of her ass. She wanted all of this to go away, to just go away. She heard Shelby talking to her quietly attempting to distract her but it wasn't working. They finished with drain on her back and there were a few beats of silence before Quinn felt the lump in her throat as she removed her sweatpants. She turned her head away and rested her cheek on the mattress. She let a silent tear trickle down her face as she let herself sink into her memory.
Seven-year-old Quinn felt her breath hitch in her throat. She stared at the shattered glass. She knew what was coming if her parents found out.
"You're going to get it," Frannie said as she scurried out of the kitchen at their mother's approaching steps. Too late.
"Quinn!" her mother screamed staring incredulously at the broken glass. She reached out and roughly grabbed her arm. She shook her by her arm and pointed at the glass. Quinn could barely make out what her mother was saying as her teeth shook in her head. "Glass, Quinn! … No! …. Bad! You're such a klutz! …. Wait until your father gets home!...I can't believe you!..."
She focused her thoughts of her mother's words as she felt a sting on her backside. She barely had time to register as her mother dragged her down the hallway and into the study. She hated the study. She was only in there if she was in trouble. She felt her mother push her into a kneeling position and then bend her over the automan.
"Hold still," she muttered as she lifted Quinn's dress and yanked down her underwear. Her mother stood again. Looking down at her with disapproving eyes. "Now, what do we do when we're bad, Quinn?"
"We count and apologize," Quinn whimpered.
She hated this. They never told her how many she was getting. They didn't want her looking forward to the end. Her father said, "You need to be grateful for all that you are given." She knew she deserved this for breaking the glass. It was her fault.
Her whole body surged forward as her mother brought down the paddle that taunted Quinn's every existence.
"One—I'm sorry."
The paddle came down again forcing Santana forward.
"Two—I-I-I'm sorry."
Her mother continued until she got to ten. She grabbed Quinn's arm and dragged her to the corned. She tucked the bottom of her yellow dress into the back collar of her shirt so her reddened backside was on display.
"Stand here until your father gets home," she hissed as she brought her open palm onto Quinn's burning rear. "Do not move from that spot, Quinn."
Her underwear pooled around ankles and her bottom seared in pain. Her father barged into the room later and grabbed her by the arm. Hitting her repeatedly with his palm forcing her to swing in the air.
"You're useless, Quinn!" her father said repeatedly. "Breaking everything!"
She simply cried out as what was burning became raw, simply because of a shattered glass.
"Quinn?" Shelby asked bringing her back to the present. "Quinn, sweetheart, we're finished."
She hadn't realized it but she was sobbing on the bed. She lay with her cheek still pressed against the mattress letting out the anguish in her heart.
Shelby reached out and put her hand on the girl's back. She frowned sadly when the girl instinctively flinched.
"Quinn, let's put your clothes all the way on okay?" Shelby said to the sad girl. "Quinn?"
She let out a shaky sob. She was humiliated and shattered. She needed to maintain some level of dignity. She allowed Shelby to help her adjust her clothing and she sat on the bed and stared ahead. She felt numb. She suddenly heard shuffling and she returned to her reality. She spotted Shelby opening and closing drawers and laying her clothes neatly into them. She even began opening up the closet and hanging her dresses.
Quinn wipes her tears. "What are you doing?"
"Helping you unpack, of course," Shelby said with a wink.
"This isn't my home," Quinn replied with a bite.
"Yes, it is if you want it to be," the mother replied casually. "I won't have you living out of a suitcase."
"Please, I've done enough," she said sobbing.
"Quinn, you're not to blame," Shelby said gently kneeling in front of her.
Quinn looked at her for a moment and then shook her head. "I can't do this," she whispered.
"Do what?"
"You need to stop being so nice to me," she muttered. "I …. I don't what to do."
Shelby smiled. "You'll learn to figure it out, wont you?" She returned to her task and started folding her clothes.
Quinn set her jaw. She stood and walked over to Shelby. "I can do this," she said barely above a murmur. "They're my clothes. I don't want to be totally useless."
"You're anything but," Shelby said with another kind smile that Quinn was afraid of growing accustom to. "I would love you to tell me where you want your things to go. We can do it together. It'll go faster."
The blonde gave a small nod. "Sure." Puck rolled out of bed around noon. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sauntered down the hallway. He peaked in Rachel's room and it was empty. He looked across the hall into Taz's room and she was still sleeping. He frowned. Without Rachel.
He didn't even bother knocking. "Ma," he called out. Quinn and Shelby turned and looked at him.
"Noah, knock please," Shelby scolded.
Quinn arched and eyebrow at him.
"Sorry," he muttered. "Where's Rach?"
"Get off her tail," Quinn said surprising Shelby and Noah equally. "She's fine. She's eleven years old for Christ's sake. She's not some helpless turtle lying awkwardly on her back in the middle of the highway."
Quinn deflated slightly when she caught Noah and Shelby staring at her. Noah looked at his mother with a laugh. "I'm surrounded by extagen."
"Estrogen," Shelby corrected still staring at Quinn. "Feel better?" she asked the girl.
Quinn stuffed more clothes into her dresser and began again. "I'm telling you. You're going to suffocate her like crazy if you don't knock it off."
"Whatever, Roadrunner," Noah shot back with an eye roll.
"She's at Kurt's," Shelby said still watching Quinn aggressively put away her clothes.
"At Hudson's?" Noah said annoyed.
Quinn frozen slightly. She chewed her bottom lip. "I changed my mind," she said hurriedly. "Bring her back here."
"I agree, Ma. Hudson is a dick," Noah said.
"Language," Shelby corrected.
Quinn was staring at Noah. She had always thought they were best friends. He threw her a sweatshirt from her piles of clothes, bringing her from her thoughts.
"Come on, Speedy Gonzales," he said. "We'll go pick up her up."
She laughed and took the sweatshirt and followed him down the hallway.
"You're still grounded, you know," Shelby called out.
"We know," Noah muttered.
"You'll still be grounded when you get back," she said a little louder.
"Yeah," Noah yelled back.
…..
Kurt pretended to pour Rachel more tea in his play tea set.
"Thank you for allowing me to come to your tea party event," Rachel said making sure her pinky was up high.
Kurt sighed and looked at his best friend. "Do you think we're getting too old for pretend?"
Rachel shrugged. "Probably but when have we ever conformed?"
He arched an eyebrow. "The fact that you asked the question clearly shows that we haven't." He looked at the tea set with care. "Do you trust Mr. Schuester?"
Rachel was surprised at his question. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that," he looked at his friend. "I have a feeling."
She laughed. "You had a feeling that Funny Girl would tour with The Lion King last season in Cleveland."
"I'm being serious, Rachel," he said carefully.
She shook her head. "Please don't do this, Kurt. He's a good teacher. I promise. I need you there you're my best friend."
"Rachel, I don't know," he said.
Rachel grasped her best friend's arm. "Please, please. Take that feeling that you have an at least put it on hold." She searched his eyes. "He's just looking out for me." She looked at her hands. "I don't have a dad, Kurt." He didn't understand how much she needed a positive male figure. "He's helping me." She smiled her million dollar smile. "He could help us become stars."
He shook his head at his best, and in a lot of ways, his only, friend stared at him with desperation. He shook his head and laughed. "Fine, but if I get too tired of him doting on you. I'm out."
Rachel smiled. "Deal!"
A car honk interrupted their thoughts. They stood up and looked out the window.
"I guess they're picking you up?" Kurt asked with a shrug.
Rachel frowned. What were Noah and Quinn doing here?
…..
The first block was excruciatingly silent. He chewed his lip trying to figure out what exactly he invited her for.
"I heard you punched Finn," the blond said in a matter of fact tone.
He shrugged. "He was talkin' trash."
Quinn caught a glance at the guy she was starting to accept as a friend. "About who?" she asked carefully.
He was silent for a moment and gripped the steering wheel tighter.
"San," he said quietly. "And you."
Quinn frowned. "Me?" She turned and looked at him directly. "Let's clear something up. I don't like you that way, Puck. I will never like you that way!" She shook her head in disgust.
"First of all, cocky much?" he said with a sneer. "And secondly, you said it yourself before. Bottles of wine couldn't bring us together. I don't think being sober will." He shook his head. "Plus, you're practically my sister." He scrunched up his face in horror. "Actually in my head you are. I know for sure that there is no way in hell that Puckasaurous is attracted to you."
"Ouch," Quinn said was a scowl. "The feeling is mutual, pal. Not to worry."
Silence fell over them again. He continued to drive. His brow relaxed.
"You know, Quinn," he said with a tilt of his head. "I can punch Finn and defend your honor or whatever without wanting anything in return. It's called dignity or somethin'."
"Whatever, Corcoran," she muttered folding her arms.
He softened his gaze and snuck a glance at the girl he now regarded as his sister.
"Why didn't you say anything?" he asked without introduction.
"I don't see you making posters about your life," she spit.
He looked at her honestly. "We were supposed to be friends. I thought we were friends"
"Friends?" she scoffed. "I knew nothing about your home life and I made sure you knew nothing about mine. We just hung out in the same circles." She paused. "But we're friends now." She half glared at him and half smiled. "And that's it."
He laughed. "Ewww, Quinn." He concentrated on the road and let his face relax again. "If anyone gives you a hard time, you let me know."
"Thanks, Robin Hood," Quinn said with a shake of her head. "I'll be fine."
"Sure, you will."
They pulled up to the house and they both frowned.
"He's such a dick," Puck said with a sigh.
"You have no idea," Quinn muttered.
He looked at her for a second before asking. "Should we be polite and go to the door or honk?"
"Honk," she said without breaking her gaze from the house.
….
Santana opened her eyes and stared out the window in front of her. She hoped that the day before didn't happen. The familiar smell of her father and she knew that it had been real. She gave a small sigh and rolled over.
"Rach?" she called. Her room was empty. She looked over at her night stand full of pictures. She knew exactly which photo was out of place. She looked at it hidden in the back but she didn't pick it up. "Rachel!" she scolded.
"Rach, didn't move it, San," Shelby said from the doorframe. "I did."
She frowned but relaxed slightly. "Whatever."
Shelby sat on the bed. She combed the girl's hair out of her face. "We need to talk about this, Santana."
The girl pulled away from her mother's reach.
"No," she hissed as she willed her pooling eyes to dry. "No." She pushed a sob down.
Shelby looked at her daughter and sighed. She licked her lips and sighed. She had a feeling that her fighter would put up the biggest fight here.
"I changed your appointment with Dr. Jacobs from later this week to tomorrow," she informed.
Santana scowled. Her brow furrowed and her mouth hung open indignantly. "I'm not talking about this." She shook her head. "I never wanted to bring this up. I am NOT bringing this up." She looked at her mother. "It was eight years ago. I'm not talking about this."
She started to storm from her own room. Typical Corcoran.
"Santana!" she scolded. She grabbed her arm. "You need to talk about this. Clearly you haven't and not talking about it is eating you alive. It's not healing you. We can work through this."
She scoffed. "Yeah, Mom, that easy, huh?" She pulled her arm away from her mother. "I'm not your patient. Don't talk to me like one."
"Santana!" Shelby scolded. She rarely raised her voice. Santana stopped but she didn't face her. "You're going. There's no choice."
"Whatever," Santana said. "I'll talk to her if you force me too, which, oh wait, you are."
"Santana," Shelby growled.
"I'm not talking to you, though," she said with her back still turned. She peaked slightly over her should at her mother. "Not about this."
Shelby sighed in frustration but allowed her daughter to storm out of the room.
…
Rachel came storming into the kitchen through the back door.
"What's your problem?" Santana asked from the counter. Her mother had banned her grounded ass to the kitchen to do homework after her door slamming and screaming extravaganza.
"They honked for me!" she said in disbelief.
Noah closed the door behind his as Quinn walked in front of him. He arched his eyebrow.
"I'm your brother not some gourmet valet service," he said opening the refrigerator.
"That was wrong," Rachel said. "Valets aren't gourmet. You don't eat them."
"Whatever, I don't speak Italian," Noah sighed.
Quinn finally spoke up. "Get over it, Rachel."
Santana frowned and looked at Quinn. The blonde gave a shrug. The brunette looked over at the pouting girl. "Suck it up and go get your homework."
Rachel looked at her mother for help.
"You heard 'em," she said.
The girl stomped out of the room. "The injustice."
…
Quinn sat next to Shelby in the waiting room the next morning. Everyone was in school. The rest of the previous night had been filled with lighter tension, but still tension. For a few brief moments, Quinn almost forgot. Almost. And then she remembered.
"You ready?" Jackie asked coming out to greet them.
They followed the woman into the office.
"How did things go earlier?" Jackie asked as she pulled out a file and shifted things around her desk.
Shelby glanced over at Quinn. "Fine, I think. They took the drains out. The doctor says that Quinn only has to finish the antibiotics and everything is looking good. She should be all healed by the end of the week."
Jackie nodded. "Good." She folded her hands and looked directly at Quinn. "How's it going?"
"Peachy," Quinn said with a tight smile. "I really shouldn't be missing school to meet with you."
"Thank you, Quinn," Jackie said leaning back in her chair. "I know you shouldn't but Shelby already booked this doctor's appointment for you and so we thought we would squeeze this in."
"Whatever," Quinn said.
"Quinn," Shelby said with a frown.
The blond girl seem retract her claws and Jackie saw her immediate reaction.
"How are things going with the Corcorans?"
"Fine," she said without hesitation.
Jackie narrowed her eyes. "So…. You would be fine with staying there a little bit more on the permanent side." Quinn's head snapped up. Jackie went on. "What I mean is permanent as your placement through this entire….." she waved her arms. "Whatever this is."
Quinn thought for a moment. Her mother had already caused a scene at the house. She wanted to keep fighting. She didn't want give in this easily, but somehow it seemed like the most logical thing to do. Staying at the Corcorans.
"I know that this isn't an easy decision," Jackie said carefully.
"Whatever, I'll stay. I mean you said it before, right? Where else would I go?"
Quinn folded her arms in front of her. "So what does this mean for my mom?"
"Well," Jackie said bringing out her calendar. "Shelby, your mother and I have a meeting later this week and –''
"WHAT?" Quinn asked sitting up. She turned to Shelby. "My mother will murder you. But seriously. Is this a good idea?"
"Quinn, this is procedure. Essentially, the three of us plus your cheerleading coach and Therapist and you, when you're ready, we all act as a team to work for you."
She frowned. "What?"
"It's not our job to work against you. We all come together for you."
"I don't think you understand," Jackie said carefully.
Quinn shook her head. "I don't think you do either." She licked her lips and tried to gather her thoughts and build them as carefully as possible. "I don't think you understand my mother. She won't fight to get me back. She's going to fight to keep my father out of jail. She hates me."
Jackie and Shelby exchanged a glance.
"Don't look at each other," Quinn hissed. "If this is about me, listen to me. You are wasting your time. Just drop the charges and let me go home. This is dumb."
"I told you before Quinn," Jackie said. "It's not that simple. As CPS we're in the middle of an investigation of your mother as a fit parent."
The young blond shook her head again. "You're wasting your time." She looked at Jackie. "I'm sixteen. Can't I be emancipated or do independent living or something?"
Jackie looked at her for a few moments before answering. "The likelihood that a judge will emancipate you is slim, very slim, especially with your circumstances. Perhaps we can reconsider applying to have you released as an independent minor, but you still need some sort of adult guardian." She pointed at Shelby. "Get cozy, Quinn. I think she's the best bet you got."
"I have," Quinn said quietly leaning back in her chair.
"What?" Jackie asked.
"Best bet I have. You should not use 'got' in that context."
Jackie shook her head. "Thank you."
…..
Santana leaned against her Cheerios locker. They were having a shortened running practice also known as death.
"You've been so quiet today," Brittany said as she tied her sneaker.
"What?" Santana asked as she unfolded her arms.
"Quiet," Brittany paused. "And mad. You slushied eighty-six people today."
Santana smirked. "We both know that that's a slight exaggeration."
Brittany linked arms with her and led her out to the field. "Barely." She gave a sigh. "You know you can talk to me about stuff, you know?"
Santana took a step back breaking their connection. "What do you mean?"
"I mean you always seem to have so much on your mind but you don't say any of it," she said with a shrug. "And…. We've been friends forever." Santana looked over her shoulder. No one was around. They were always the first to arrive. Brittany continued. "It's just…. I've been thinking about Quinn's whole situation and I've realized I don't know anything. I've known her my whole life. And then us…."
Santana frowned. "Us?"
"Yeah," Brittany continued unphased without taking note of Santana's multi-layered frown. "We've been best friends for six years. I don't know why you moved here. I don't know a lot…. And ….. I just…." She met Santana's eyes. "I'm here. I'll listen."
Santana gave an unusually warm smile. "I know. I just…. It's not about trust, Britt. It's about opening a can of whoop-ass emotional baggage that I would rather put to rest." She paused. "Does that make sense?"
The other girl shrugged. "I guess." She heard the rest of the team start to filter onto the field. "Just don't shut me out in the process."
One of the younger girls called Brittany away, leaving the tan girl standing alone wondering if she should take the bold step and let someone in. She heard Judy Fabray's words, Hiram's words and even Quinn's echo in her mind. She wasn't going to let Brittany into her vicious, self-hating circle. No, that was for her to stand-alone.
…
Quinn hated that she was missing school. She was going to lag far behind. She was going to fail. Shelby pulled up to McKinley. Quinn looked at the school with a sigh. She could see the Cheerios wrapping up practice at the far field.
"I'm going to run in and get, Rachel," Shelby said as she put the car in park. "If you wish, you can make sure that San and Noah don't dawdle."
The blond watched from her seat as Santana started walking over except someone must have yelled something but there was an untamed fury in Santana's faced that brought her feet to a stop.
Santana threw her bag over her shoulder and started walking toward her mother's car.
"Hey Corcoran! Are you in bed with the Captain?"
She turned on the balls of her feet and came face to face with Whitney Richards.
"What's wrong, Whitney?" Santana asked. "Did your vibrator break?"
"I am your superior, Corcoran," she hissed.
"You wish," Santana chuckled. "I'm the second in command and a sophomore, but here you are a big bad senior and nothing to offer in terms of leadership. Get out of my face. I'm late."
"For what? Your date with Fabray?" Whitney countered. "I know that she's staying at your house? Why is that?"
"None of your damn business," she fired. She did not need this.
"San, what are you screaming about?" Noah said wrapping his arm around Whitney. He kissed her quickly. "Hey."
Whitney smiled in satisfaction. "Hi."
"Excuse me," Santana sneered. "I need to stab out my eyes."
Santana turned and walked toward the car. She saw her mother and Rachel walking out of the building from the corner of her eyes.
"I didn't tell Mr. Shue I was leaving twenty minutes early," Rachel whined to her mother as Santana threw her bags in. "Now he AND Kurt are upset with me."
"They'll get over it," Shelby said as she went to the driver's side. "Goodbye, Miss Richards."
"Hello, Mrs. Corcoran," Whitney waved.
"Brownnose," Quinn muttered from the front.
"Bitch," Santana sneered as she buckled up.
"What?" Shelby asked as they all watched Noah kiss the Cheerio goodbye.
"I think she's nice," Rachel said kindly.
"You also don't think horses should pull carriages in Central Park," Santana said causing the younger girl to pout.
"Don't even get her started, Santana," Shelby warned. She looked at her youngest. "We respect your humanitarian efforts but please do not start arguing about that now."
Rachel deflated as Noah climbed into the car. Shelby started the car and tried not to bask in the silence of the car. First stop, San's appointment.
…..
Santana had been sitting in the big armchair with her arms folded tightly across her chest in silent indignation for about ten minutes. She was here, but she wasn't going to talk.
"Why are we here, Santana?" Dr. Jacobs asked breaking the silence. The girl didn't answer her. She was silent. "Your mother told me that Judy Fabray said some pretty awful things on Saturday. And that you and Quinn had a fight before that." Dr. Jacobs watched as Santana shifted uncomfortably but her arms loosened. "Am I getting warm?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Can I tell you something?"
"No, but I have a feeling you're going to anyway," Santana said with a smirk.
"I've learned a lot, but the most important thing that I've learned that time doesn't heal all wounds, Santana. Especially the ones that are buried so deep within us that just the whisper of them in the back of our brains makes us feel so broken." The doctor paused. "That's what' I've learned. And," she continued as she watched the girl's dark eyes look at the floor with anguish as she debated with herself. "I learned that every time I push those feelings back down they surge to the top with more force than the time before. And it hurts more every time."
Santana shook her head and wiped away a stray tear. "I can't," she whispered. "I won't."
"Why not?" Dr. Jacobs asked.
"Because," she whispered as she tried her best to swallow the lump in her throat.
"I think you might feel better once you share this," Dr. Jacobs urged.
Santana glared at the woman. "I'm pretty sure I won't," she growled. "This can't be fixed with a hug and a kiss. I'm not doing this."
"Santana…."
"No, don't," she hissed as she stood and walked across the room.
"Santana," she called out gently.
"Some people have nightmares," she said quietly. "They wake up in a cold sweat and they can't breathe. I get those sometimes. But do you know what's most paralyzing? Those moments where everything seems safe and okay, because you know that that's not real." She lowered her voice. "And that your life will never be that way again."
There were several long moments of silence. Dr. Jacobs knew to be patient with this girl. She couldn't push her. Santana Corcoran could be anything but pushed.
"If you don't tell me, San, who are you protecting?" she asked cautiously.
"Me," Santana said without hesitation. She turned and met the doctor's eyes with tears in her own. "Me."
Once she locked her eyes with the woman she had known for six years.
"If it wasn't for me Rachel wouldn't have been in the hospital."
She looked at her carefully as the confession hung in the air. "What do you mean?" She searched the girl's face. She had been seeing her since the family had moved to Lima. However, she hadn't seen the girl look like this. Not once. "Santana?" She took a breath. "What aren't you telling me?"
"I left her," Santana whispered.
"Left her how?" She waited for a moment and watched the girl let her tears fall. "Did you leave the house that day?"
Santana shook her head. "No…."
"Santana, I'm not going to guess," Dr. Jacobs said leaning closer to the girl who she had built such a trust with over the years. However, in that moment she felt as if she was losing her and they were back to square one. "Do you want me to get your mother, San?"
Santana bit her lip and shook her head. "She doesn't know."
"Know what?"
Her chin quivered and tears glistened in the dull light. "She doesn't know that it was my fault."
When Shelby came into the room, she spotted her daughter with her arms folded tightly over her chest. She looked at Dr. Jacobs who simply motioned for Shelby to approach the girl. Santana remained silent for a few more minutes.
"Santana has something to say," Dr. Jacobs announced.
"Don't say that," she growled. Santana looked at them with dark, angry eyes. "This isn't me trying to shoulder the blame of something that wasn't really my fault. This was my fault!"
"What was?" Shelby asked evenly.
Santana shook her head. "I changed my mind. I want to leave." She looked at her mother. "Can we leave?"
"Santana," she said again.
Shelby looked at her daughter and gathered all of the breadcrumbs of hints that her daughter had been leaving for the past eight years. "Is this about Hiram? About what he did?"
Santana shook her head furiously as tears rolled down her cheeks. "Don't do that! Don't say that like you know! You weren't there!" She pointed her finger shakily at her mother. "You weren't there."
"I know, Sanny. I know I wasn't," Shelby whispered.
"No, no! You don't know!" Santana barked.
Shelby was thankful that at that moment Dr. Jacobs's office was furthest down the long hallway from the waiting room.
"Santana," she said gently. "I love you. And…. Seeing you like this kills me."
"I can't," Santana whispered. She slammed her hand against her chest as she fell to the floor. "I did it! I left her. I left her when she needed me."
"Santana," Shelby said evenly. "You were locked in a closet. You didn't have a choice."
There was a pause in Santana's sobs that forced Shelby to freeze. At that moment, everything in Shelby's world stopped. No, she told herself. The police and the paramedics that arrived on the scene told her that they found Santana in the closet of the bedroom. They had found her in the closet, she repeated. Santana heard it. She just heard it.
"Santana, you weren't in the closet, were you?" Dr. Jacobs asked.
Santana's mouth opened and closed as she tried to form words.
"I …. I …."
Shelby's brain was going a mile a minute. She had said that she had left her. Left her? Shelby's eyes returned to her daughter. She remembered seeing her. She tried to remember every detail. Santana had a badly broken arm and she was beaten with a belt…..
Shelby frowned. She had to ask that question. "Santana, what happened?"
She had always thought he beat Santana and went after Rachel. That's just…..what he did. He went after Rachel. That's what Noah always told her. She never fought back. That's what he had told her. Noah had told her that. He said that Hiram always said that Rachel never fought back.
Then it hit her. It hit Shelby like a ton of bricks. It was right in front of her. She had always known, but she never wanted to put the pieces together.
"Santana," Shelby said carefully kneeling in front of her crumpled daughter, who refused to look at her. "He went after you first didn't he?"
"That's not really new information," Santana scoffed.
"I'm not talking about that part," Shelby said quietly. She felt Santana tense. "I'm talking about the part you never talk about. The way that he touched you." Shelby paused as she watched her daughter's eyes glaze back into your memory.
"Was there a reason that he went after Rachel?" She searched her daughter's eyes. "Was there a moment when things changed?"
Santana knitted her brow together. "The moment that I fought back." She shook her head and she sobbed. "You always thought that I fought to get to Rachel. But …. I …. I …. She … she was on the bed ….. she was… there….. and he…" She met her mother's eyes. "I fought back that night. I got him off of me. I … I … left her on the bed. …. And then he….. I …. I was so relieved… And ….. then she started crying….. and ….. I looked up… he was… he was…. And I ….. He stopped with Rach and he grabbed me and told me that this was my fault." She shook her head as the tears took over. "He told me …" Santana couldn't say. She met Shelby's eyes. "Don't you get it? He wanted me. He always wanted me. But I fought back and so he went after her."
"Santana," Shelby sobbed. She cupped her face. "That's wasn't your fault, honey. That was—''
"You weren't there!" Santana sobbed. "It was me! I left her there. I left her there for him! He never touched her before that night!"
"That you know of," Dr. Jacobs said gently. "You were eight years old. What that man did…."
"Shut up!" Santana hissed. "Neither of you were there!" Her sobs took over. "You didn't hear him. You didn't hear her. I kept trying to reach her. He kept kicking me….. He became frustrated so he told me he would shut me up….Then he went back to her. He did it again and again. And then… she stopped making noises….. but I couldn't….move. I couldn't get to her…." She met their eyes. "You weren't there!"
Finally, her sobs took over. Shelby pulled her to her and rocked her gently on the floor of Dr. Jacobs's office. No, she hadn't been there.
It was in that moment that Shelby realized the burden her daughter had been carrying for eight years. It all clicked in her head at that moment. Everything that made sense before became even clearer. She pulled Santana's sobbing form to her.
…..
After what seemed like hours, Santana calmed in Shelby's arms. She pulled away from Shelby fast as if it was bad dream. She stood up quickly and wiped her tears. She pulled back her pony tail tighter and used the mirror for guidance. Shelby knew what her daughter was doing. She was hardening her heart.
Santana walked toward the door and stopped just before she reached the knob. She looked at her mother and Dr. Jacobs with such conviction.
"Rachel never knows," she commanded. "I will go to my grave with this. She will never know. She's already traumatized over what little she does know."
Santana didn't even wait for an answer she left the room.
Shelby regained her strength after a few beats and followed her daughter down the long narrow hallway. When it opened up to the waiting room, Rachel was leaning on Noah's shoulder propped up on her knees. She was playing with his hair and talking about how dumb it looked. She was laughing, but everything seemed like a far off fog.
Rachel spotted Santana come in. Shelby watched as the girl's smile faded. She walked over to her sister and looked at her carefully.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
Shelby felt her heartbreak again as Santana cupped Rachel's face in her palms and kissed her gently on the forehead.
"Yeah," Santana said with a smirk. "Everything's fine. Don't worry about it."
At that moment, Shelby reminded herself that Rachel didn't remember any of it. She had been three weeks shy of her third birthday. Years later after the ordeal, a therapist told Shelby that Rachel's young brain protected her because she barely remembered very much of "the incident." However, her night terrors told Shelby differently. The doctor reassured her that her brain would keep the small details hidden. Only another trauma would bring them to the forefront. They hadn't been protecting Rachel from every other evil as much as they were always trying to protect her from herself and the horrors that had happened deep in the past, which lay hibernating in her memory. Perhaps it was ignorant and even foolish. However, it was all Shelby could do. Seeing Rachel in the hospital so broken and torn apart, broke her even eight years later. A grown man … she shook her head. Rachel had barely been twenty-five pounds. Shelby took a breath. Barely twenty-five pounds. As she watched her eldest daughter envelop her youngest, she hoped with every fiber of her being that nothing ever happened to Rachel that would make her remember.
Please review. It'll be the best pick me up for humpday even though I work Tues-Sat. haha Again, if you have any questions or concerns please don't hesitate to PM me.