Zilo: Eloquent Liar, you took the words outta my mouth!
Risty: Ember Blaze's showing her individuality again!
Zoe: A simple answer, Ember. We all are.
Al: Please calm down, Miss Veranda. Envy's just kidding. Right Envy?
Envy: (still hasn't regenerated yet)
Zilo: Stop stalling and get up!
Envy: (starts to regenerate)
Ed: (kicks) No, stay like this. It suits you better.
Risty: Oh, no problem, Koinu-chan!
Zilo: I have who working for me?
Others: (shrug)
Ed: IF YOU DON'T GET THE F(LEEP!) OFFA ME I'M GOING TO F(EEP!)ING KILL YOU YOU F(EEP!)ING LITTLE F(EEP!)ER!
Zilo: (smacks Ed) WATCH THE LANGUAGE, PUNK! Just for that, I'm not going to help you! Shishou, feel free to keep him!
Ed: (panicks) WHAT?
Izumi: ...
Others: ...
Izumi: Ah...no. Perhaps you should try someone easier.
Zilo: Hay-o, Marie Blaze!
Risty: (sniffs) Thank you, I need them!
Zilo: Ah, no worries about your sister. I have one just like her.
Ed: What's a Grammy?
Zilo: Hey, writingdreamer! Glad I could be of assistance! And, um, yes, I have a master plan...though I just call it more chapters!
Envy: Pfft. Whatever. Like I want or need your approval.
Risty: Thank you for sticking up for me and Ed anyhow! Tell the penguins I said hi!
Zilo: Well, Mikol, you make a good guess-
Others: (glare)
Zilo: What?
Zoe: Remember what you said?
Zilo: But...but...I like my prize!
Zoe: Give it up anyhow!
Risty: Mikol, you're the first one to guess right, so you get Zilo's prize! If you want it, please see the note below!
Zilo: My prize...mine...
Zoe: Why offer it if you don't want to hand it over?
Ed: I agree with Mikol. End the damn cliffie already!
Zilo: AdventureAddict also took the words out of my mouth!
Al: Brother! Calm down!
Zilo: Sorry, The Anonymous Authoress! I can't help a good cliffie! But no worries, the dissolvement commences today! Thank you for reading, and please continue!
Ed: It's HHH.
Zilo: That's Half Human Homunculi to you, knave! Phew! I'm glad I didn't miss a review!
Risty: Thanks for guessing!
Envy: Well, I sure didn't find the Omake fun-
Zilo: Because you're a grinch.
Envy: Everyone, shut up.
Zilo: Atemu'sLotus, JazzyCat, thanks so much reviewing! I'm glad you both liked it, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter!
FOURTEEN: Back, Back To Back
AKA "Don't Expect The Worst"
You Have Received An Instant Message From "EdwardsWife77"
EdwardsWife77: um...hi...i saw u were on
EdwardsWife77: is it u, MM? or her friend?
MistaMarista: Neither. It's her mother.
EdwardsWife77: oh, uh, sorry to bother u
MistaMarista: Wait.
EdwardsWife77: yes?
MistaMarista: As long as you're on, I'd like to ask you a couple of things about the chain letter you sent my daughter.
EdwardsWife77: ...
EdwardsWife77: ok um shoot
MistaMarista: How can she get back?
EdwardsWife77: well im not really sure
EdwardsWife77: i didnt think of that, really
MistaMarista: You should have. She needs help. There must be some emergency way, just in case.
EdwardsWife77: let me think
EdwardsWife77: ok as far as i kno if she gets killed shell come back
MistaMarista: Killed?
MistaMarista: There must be some less painful way.
EdwardsWife77: lemme look brb
EdwardsWife77: ok it looks like she either has 2 die, or you have 2 use a reverse chain letter 2 call her back
MistaMarista: Reverse chain letter? Where would I get one of those?
EdwardsWife77: there arent that many but i think i kno where 2 find 1
MistaMarista: Where?
EdwardsWife77: ill send u a link to the site its on
MistaMarista: Please do. I want to get my daughter home as soon as possible.
Roy Mustang threw open the doors with a firm hand, his mouth set in a grim line. Riza Hawkeye stood a step behind him, her amber eyes serious as she scanned the room.
"Where's Doctor Hudson?" Roy demanded in a no-nonsense tone.
"Here I am!" A tall, brown-haired man burst through a door to his left, straightening his white coat as he hurried over. "So glad you could make it so soon, Colonel Mustang! I'm Dr. Marcus Hudson, and I-"
"Just cut to the chase," Roy said brusquely. "What happened?"
Dr. Hudson straightened his hair and collar. "Well," he said, clearly intimidated, "as you were informed over the phone, we have the Full Metal Alchemist in emergency care right now. His attackers are still being pursued, but, um, well, you'd have to ask the local police about that. Anyway, he received a total impalement in the area where his shoulder meets his chest. The alien object didn't hit any vital organs, but he's lost a lot of blood-"
"Will he make it?" Roy interrupted, as Riza strode off to speak to one of the officers milling about.
"Um..." Dr. Hudson adjusted his glasses and squinted at the clipboard in his hands. "It might take a while, but it does look good for him in the way of survival. We're not sure about when he'll regain consciousness. Um, Colonel, don't you want to hear about his traveling companion?"
Roy blinked, and then scowled. "Which one?"
"The girl. Um, one Marista Fernandez. She's also been admitted for a sudden attack of the heart."
Roy started. Full Metal was currently in that body. "What happened?"
"We aren't sure, but she's also unconscious. The Full Metal Alchemist's other two companions are mostly all right, since the one was in the armor, and the other only has a few bruises, but-"
"Where are they?"
Dr. Hudson gave up and pointed down the hall. "Lieutenant," Roy barked as he started purposefully in that direction.
Riza was at his side in an instant. "Sir."
Roy relayed his information to her. "We've got a problem," he summarized.
Riza nodded, looking grave. They turned the corner and found Al and Zoe, sitting on chairs across from two room doors. Zoe had her face in her hands, and Al was looking down at his lap. He lifted his head when he heard them approach.
"Colonel! Lieutenant!" Al jumped up to meet them. "Brother and Risty May are-"
"We know." Roy patted his massive metal shoulder.
Al seemed to calm down a bit. "They won't tell us what's going on," he said. "We don't know how they're doing."
"They say that they'll both live," Roy said.
Zoe breathed a sigh of relief and finally looked up. Her eyes were red-rimmed. "But on to more important matters," Roy went on. "What happened? You four were supposed to be waiting for your connection to Central, weren't you?"
"We were," Al agreed. "Well, technically, Brother and Zoe were fighting over whether to go to an inn or sleep at the station-"
"We should've just gone," Zoe said in a low voice.
"-Well...either way, we were attacked by three Homunculi."
Roy and Riza started. "Is that so?" Roy said, setting his mouth in a grim line. "Any reason why?"
"If there was, they didn't say it," Al said, sounding despondent.
"It's been seven hours, and they won't let us see them," Zoe spoke up, staring at the far wall.
"I'll fix that," Roy said. He strode over to one of the doors, just as a nurse exited. She looked surprised that someone was about to enter. "Sir, this room is off limits to-"
"Yes, I know what you've been telling these two," Roy cut her off, his voice steel. "However, I am a colonel and I have a right to see my subordinate and his friend. If you would kindly step aside."
The nurse swallowed and stepped away, obviously not wanting to tangle with a colonel. Roy motioned to the others, and they crowded in the room.
"Oh God...Risty May," Zoe said, her voice threatening to break. They looked down at the motionless body, which was Ed's but currently housed Risty May. Bandages peeked out from under the left side of the collar of the hospital gear. Another bandage was on her cheek. The golden blond braid had been undone.
"She looks really pale," Al commented.
"But she's the only one who was...you know," Zoe said. "Why is Ed in the hospital?"
Roy and Riza exchanged glances. "Perhaps it has something to do with them being in one another's bodies," Riza suggested.
"Well, it sucks." Zoe dropped into a chair pushed up beside the door. A different nurse walked in, and they all immediately shut up.
"How is s...um, he?" Al asked her.
The nurse checked Risty May's pulse and a few other things. "He's stabilizing," she told them, "which is always a good sign. We're unsure, however, when he'll wake up. Your friend in the next room is the same, only much more stable due to no external injuries." She gave them a smile. "I'm sure it will be all right."
"Let's hope," Roy said.
Once Edward and Risty May were stable enough to be moved, they were transported to Central's much better equipped hospital. There, Al had to watch over Risty May, as everyone thought she was the Full Metal Alchemist. Zoe took up a post with Ed. Roy and Riza had no choice but to return to their usual duties, with Al giving them daily updates via phone.
The days dragged slowly on. Risty May's chest injury began to heal, but still, neither she nor Ed showed any signs of coming to anytime soon. It became agonizing for Al and Zoe to simply have to sit and wait, hoping for something to happen.
On Day Five, Zoe peeked into Risty May's room to check on her and Al. As usual, Al sat on a stool next to the bed where Ed's body lay. "Hey, how's it going?" Zoe said, trying to sound cheerful.
"Oh, hey Zoe," Al said, turning to her. "Nothing's changed. "How's Brother?"
"Same," Zoe sighed, stepping in fully and closing the door behind her. "Sometimes I just wanna shake them both and yell at them to wake up."
"If I thought that would work, I'd do it," Al said wryly. "But that would probably only make things worse."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." The two lapsed into silence, casting glances at Risty May and out the window.
"Maybe we should take a walk or something," Zoe suddenly said.
Al looked over at her. "Huh?"
"I mean, we've barely left the hospital for almost a week. Some fresh air might do us good," Zoe elaborated.
Al shrugged. "Maybe. I don't really feel like going anywhere right now, though."
"Me neither. I just thought I'd suggest it." Zoe's eyes flitted over Risty May again, and then movement made her freeze. "Al-look!" she pointed.
Al turned back to Risty May in time to see her eyelids flutter. Zoe came over to the bed in three giant steps, hands pressed to her mouth. Al also leaned forward expectantly as the lids fluttered, lifted, lowered, then raised again to just barely reveal dimmed golden eyes.
"Risty May?" Zoe breathed.
Risty May's half-lidded eyes shifted to Zoe, then over to Al. "Alphonse..." she said weakly.
"How are you feeling?" Al asked almost eagerly.
"...Bad." Risty May shifted and then winced, one hand reaching up to weakly touch the chest bandages.
"Don't move," Al instructed. "Your wounds are still healing."
Risty May's gaze flitted down to the bandaged area, and she poked it experimentally, then winced again.
"I'm so glad you're okay," Zoe said. "I was so worried about you."
Risty May looked up at her. "...You were?"
"Of course, silly!" Zoe assured her.
Risty May's brow furrowed, as if that confused her. Then her lids lowered again. "'m sleepy..." she said before drifting off again.
"I'd better tell the nurse," Al said, springing up from his seat.
Zoe nodded. "Maybe if Risty May's woken up, Eddie's going to come to soon too."
"I hope so!" Al said.
They left together, and Al went down the hall, while Zoe went back into Ed's room. He was still out.
"All right, Napoleon complex," Zoe said, some of her spunk back in her now that Risty May had returned to the world of the living, even for just a little bit, "you can't let a girl get better before you. Wake up already!"
As if hearing her, Ed's eyelids fluttered also. Zoe jumped, surprised, then leaned in. "Ed?"
One blue eye cracked open and rested on her. "...Zoe?" Ed said, his voice raspy.
"Yeah. Hey. How d'you feel?" Zoe asked.
"...Not so...so..." Ed trailed off, his brows furrowing. He sat up suddenly, making Zoe lean back fast. "Whoa, don't jump the gun, Napoleon. You don't want anything to happen to Risty May's body."
"Napo...?" Ed opened his other eye, and then both widened. "Z-Zoe, I-" He stopped and slapped both hands over his mouth.
Zoe frowned, realizing something was off about him. "You okay? You gonna pass out again, or barf or something?"
"Mirror!" Ed cried.
"...Um, yeah, they exist, and?"
"Give me one, please."
Zoe dug in her purse and found a compact, which she handed over. Her eyes were riveted on Ed's face, which she realized seemed different somehow. Like...un-Ed-like. Almost as if...
Ed stared at himself in the mirror, then touched his face. Then his hair, and then his face again. "T-Testing, one, two, five," he said, voice trembling.
"Ed," Zoe began, "are you..."
"N-No!" Ed exclaimed, tears springing in his eyes.
The realization slammed down on Zoe's head like a mallet. It wasn't Ed anymore. Instead, it was now-
"I'm back!" Risty May cried, flinging her slender brown arms around Zoe's neck. Her blue eyes streamed with tears that ran down her heart-shaped face and dripped into her hip-length, brownish-black hair. She hugged Zoe with a passion. "I'm back! It's me! I'm back, Zoe! It's me, it's me!"
"Oh my God!" Zoe cried, grabbing Risty May and hugging her back. "You're back in your body! Oh my God! How? This is awesome!"
Risty May's tears were starting to drip onto the back of Zoe's pink hoodie. "I don't know, but I don't care! I'm back, I'm finally back, I'm a girl again..."
The door opened while they tearfully hugged. It just happened to be Colonel Roy Mustang, who had personally come down to check on his subordinate. "Uh...Full Metal?" he ventured, completely clueless as to what was going on.
Risty May pulled away from Zoe and looked up at Roy. "Colonel Roy!" she exclaimed, more tears coming though she was smiling. She motioned him forward almost frantically, and when he warily complied, she flung her arms around his waist. "I'm back! I'm Risty May again! I'm back in my body!"
Roy seemed to be stunned by the hug, and didn't know how to respond. "That's...very good," he said, awkwardly patting her shoulder.
The door was flung open again, and this time it was Al. "Brother's back!" he exclaimed.
"So am I!" Risty May announced, motioning him over almost frantically.
"I'M SO SORRY!" Risty May sobbed, bursting into tears.
Ed sweatdropped. "Um...why?"
Risty May was too busy sobbing facedown on his bed to reply. He gave Roy, Zoe and Al a questioning look, and they all shrugged, having no clue what she was talking about.
"...Risty May..." Ed said, just a little exasperatedly, "what are you talking about?"
Risty May sniffled and sat up, tears still flowing. "Well...now you've got that whole chest injury thing to deal with!"
"I'll be fine," Ed assured her, still frowning. "I'm a fast healer."
"Yeah, but I didn't take a bath before the fight!"
There were collective sweatdrops around the room. "That's no reason to cry hysterically," Ed told her. "I can take a bath now, see?"
"Okay, but, still...I'm sorry."
"Why?"
Risty looked down at her lap. "Well..."
Zoe, sensing the reason for her being uncomfortable, whirled on Roy and Al. "Say, guys!" she said in a loud, cheery voice. "Why don't we all go for a long, relaxing walk?"
"Okay," Al agreed easily.
Roy frowned. "A walk? What fo-"
Zoe and Al grabbed his arms and ushered him out of the room. "We're leaving them alone to talk privately, blockhead!" Zoe hissed as she shut the door behind them.
Roy sniffed. "Oh."
Meanwhile, Risty May shifted in her chair next to Ed's bedside. She had recovered a lot faster, since she no longer had the chest wound, and this was her first visit to Ed's room, a day after waking up in her own body.
"I just..." She sighed. "Well, when I woke up in your body, I was kind of given the default assignment to take care of it and protect it until I could give it back to you. And...I didn't. I failed. I'm sorry, Ed. I was trying to keep it safe, I swear."
"Well, you tried," Ed said. "That's what counts. And now I've got my body back."
"But it's my fault you're hurt!" Risty May burst out, more tears falling as she looked up into Ed's startled eyes. "It's my fault because I'm so weak. And because I'm so selfish. It's all my fault. When I used that stupid chain letter, a little part of me really did wish I could come and have adventures with you. Instead I sent you spiraling into another dimension, and nearly got you killed like twenty-seven conforking times, and got a giant hole in your chest!" The tears fell freely.
Ed reached out with his good hand and patted her shoulder. "Hey, look, don't go blaming yourself, all right? Who knew this would happen to us? And besides, you tried your best."
"But if I had been stronger-"
"But you weren't," Ed said firmly. "You just did the best you could, and you did all right. At least twenty-six of those times you got me out of harm's way, right?"
"I...I guess," Risty May admitted.
"And-" here Ed pulled out a lopsided grin and fanned his hair over his shoulders "-my hair's never felt better."
Risty May giggled through her tears. "Y-You do need to take better care of it."
"See? Everything turned out fine. So stop crying, already."
Risty May sniffled a bit and wiped her eyes. "S-So, when will the doctors let you go?"
"They say I need a few more days to heal." Ed scowled at this, as if he disliked being reminded.
"Do you think...the Homunculi might attack again?"
"Who knows. It's always possible. Maybe they've gone back to manipulating other alchemists into doing their bidding by now," Edward said.
Risty May nodded. Now that she was back in her own body, her first priority had been achieved. Now she had to work on getting home. It had been over a month since she'd seen the familiar sights of her neighborhood, her room, her mom. At that she felt a sting of tears. She missed swapping hugs and kisses with her mom. She missed having food and water thrown at her. She missed hearing funny stories, like the one about an old man with no teeth hitting on her mother.
But she would have to be strong. No matter what, she couldn't fall apart. She wouldn't be a burden that Zoe or someone else had to protect any longer. She'd find out how to get herself and Zoe home, and until that time came, she'd keep a stiff upper lip.
"...E-Edward?"
"Yeah?"
"Um...since Miss Izumi already threatened you and everything...and since you kind of have a lot of free time right now...will you teach me things about alchemy?"
Ed frowned. "Huh?"
"I mean, please? Just in case we have to do something alchemical for me to get home." Risty May looked down and started wringing her hands.
"...I guess," Ed finally said.
Risty May's face lit up, and Ed's cheeks flushed. Something about the happiness of girls just made him uncomfortable. Like she would ask, "Can we go shopping?" next.
Instead she said, "Do you need me to get you anything? Like a notebook, something to write with, water, you know, teaching stuff?"
Risty May looked so eager to help. Ed heaved a sigh. "Yeah, get all of those. And something to write on."
"I'm on it!" Risty May declared, jumping to her feet. About two seconds later, she tripped and crashed to the floor.
"Whoah!" Edward looked over the side of his bed to see her crumpled in a heap on the floor. "You okay?"
Risty May lifted her face to reveal a slowly reddening spot on her forehead. "I'll-I'll be all right," she said, slowly getting back up.
"Well, be careful, all right?" Ed cautioned.
Go to Amestris: check.
Meet Colonel Mustard and crew: check.
Meet stupid Homunculi: check.
Receive training from Izumi: check.
Receive alchemy lessons from Edward: check.
"Next, they have to go shopping," Zoe said to the pocket notebook she was writing in the next day.
"Excuse me?" Al said politely, not understanding what she meant.
Zoe looked up at him. "Oh, I'm just keeping a record of how this will become the perfect EdxOC adventure," she said cheerfully, knowing Al wouldn't get it.
Obviously, he didn't. "I'm sorry?"
"Don't worry about it. Just let me know when fate forces Ed and Risty May to go shopping," Zoe said, writing down a few more things in her notebook. "I've read quite enough fanfics to know how this goes. Goodness knows I..."
As Zoe rambled on her own confusing tangent, Al took a peek into his brother's hospital room. "Brother? It's us," he said.
"Hi!" Risty May said cheerfully from where she sat at Ed's bedside.
"Hey, Al," Ed said, waving.
Al walked into the room and sat down next to Risty May. "How do you feel?" he asked.
"A lot better. Maybe they'll let me out today," Ed said.
"Brother, don't try and rush things," Al instructed. "Give yourself enough time to fully recover." He then seemed to notice the multitude of loose papers scattered over the bed. "What are all these?"
Risty May picked one up and showed it to Al. It was a pretty bad drawing of a simple transmutation circle. "Alchemy lessons," she said. "This one's my best yet! But I have to get the lines just right, or it won't work."
"It...looks like good progress," Al said encouragingly.
"And once Ed gets out of the hospital, we get to spar!" Risty May went on. "I finally get to try fighting in my own body again! I just hope that the skill I picked up wasn't because of Edward's awesome stamina and speed and stuff. That would stink."
"Hey Ed," Zoe said, suddenly materializing in the conversation, "Give me some money. I want to take Risty May out for lunch."
"Hey!" Ed exclaimed. "I'm not your personal bank!"
"Oh, shut up, Napoleon!" Zoe shot back. "Like it would kill you to part with some lunch fare!"
Al and Risty May sweatdropped.
"Why don't you get your own?"
"Why don't you stop being a penny-pincher?"
"A what? What the hell are you calling me now?"
"A well-deserved name!"
"If I weren't in this bed, and you weren't a girl-"
"I'd kick your butt still? I agree."
"JUST SHUT UP!"
"Guys..."
(Several characters start to choke on fluff)
Zilo: (eye twitch) You guys are overreacting.
Risty: Um...maybe we should give them some time to recover!
Al: I don't get it. What's wrong with everyone?
Riza: (sighs) I'm afraid you wouldn't, Alphonse.
Winry: See you all next time!
INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT NOTE-PLEASE READ!
I seriously need your help. The rest of this story is Risty May and Ed un-swapped. So should I continue it in this story? Or should I end The Switch Glitch here, and make the remaining chapters a kind of sequel? Since this story is about the two being switched, and now they're un-switched. So please tell me, which would you prefer?