Late this summer I got into the "Love Metal", Finnish band called H.I.M. I am addicted to the music and the lyrics which are heart breaking and poetic. There's also a lot of relationship truth in the music. A lot of conversations in this story have been inspired by the lyrics, especially this chapter and a future chapter when Harm and Sturgis have a guys night out.

Enjoy! You may need a sheet or two of kleenex for this one. ;)

Jackie

Chapter 14 – Keep On Pretending

2140 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Delicately balancing a piece of honey chicken on her chopsticks, Mac watched with fascination as a bit of the sticky substance dripped off the meat and onto the Styrofoam plate on her desk. She then took a bite, savoring the delicacy as a prisoner on death row would his last meal. Real food had been missing from her diet since they'd returned back to civilization. Hospital food, while better than the old MREs she and Harm shared in the jungle, only went so far. Despite her adoration of hamburgers and fries, her stomach was longing for Chinese. Maybe it was the use of chopsticks that would keep her mind off of things.

She snorted and shook her head. Nothing could take her mind off of things. Not returning to work, not the radio and definitely not being chewed out by the SECNAV earlier that day for her involvement with the CIA. Especially not after the conversation she had with Doctor Luna directly after Harm had told her to leave. . .

. . .It was no secret that she'd been upset upon leaving Harm's hospital room. As she made to slip into the elevators, Doctor Luna stood by her, head buried in Harm's patient file. "Colonel? I thought you were with Commander Rabb?"

Mac had not managed to collect herself and it was clear that she'd been crying. The last thing she wanted was to face anyone, but perhaps Doctor Luna could give her some perspective. "He doesn't wish to see me." She'd said flatly and ignored the elevator as it chimed on their floor and then closed again. "Is there something wrong with him? Medical, I mean? Besides the tremors, is something wrong with him?" Stress. Trauma. She didn't care what it was medically labeled, only hoped that that naming his problems would mean that there was a resolution.

Doctor Luna pressed his index finger to the 'call' button and ushered Mac into the elevator as it opened before them. "I'm on break at the moment. Come with me." He motioned to the open elevator and stepped aside as Mac walked in. The ride down was a silent one and she followed as Luna led Mac through to his office which was a floor below. "Take a seat." He closed the door and sat down behind a large desk with several stacks of patient files. "You have his medical power of attorney, so that allows me to speak to you about Commander Rabb's condition. . .This is privileged information usually reserved for family."

"I understand." Even though, on paper, she had more rights than even Harm's mother would, she still wasn't considered family. Mac sighed as hopes of ever being more than friends with him passed fleetingly through her mind. "What is going on?"

"His trauma is compounded by several things. Some are physical, most are emotional." Opening up Harm's file he paged through and stopped at a colorful picture of what seemed to be a brain MRI. "The tremors can stop, if he wants them to."

"Which he does."

"Yes, he does, but he's going the wrong way about therapy. Rather than concentrating on getting better he seems to be hung up on retaining his flight status which is something I won't clear him for now, nor ever if he doesn't improve to one hundred percent. I could lose my license to practice medicine if I am not certain."

Sometimes Mac wished she could grab Harm and shake some sense into him. She understood his love of flying but couldn't comprehend how a strong man could let anything dominate him as a plane could. "The Commander's wings were taken away several years ago when he had a ramp strike due to scarring in his eyes that prevented him from seeing well at night. It's a big part of who he is, but I do share your concern about it."

"My biggest concern is that he's shutting himself down. It's a common denominator with patients that have experienced trauma like he has. While it's not entirely detrimental, I see something truly worrisome in the Commander. He needs psychological counseling with a shrink that is cleared to discuss what happened to him." He was remaining evasive for a good reason, he knew that Harm had been involved with the CIA during the accident. He knew that Harm had been tortured and that was the extent of his knowledge. "The more time passes, the worse it will get and the bigger chance he has at it becoming permanent."

Mac shivered at the thought. "Are the tremors psychological at this point?"

"It is triggered to a rapid firing of his nerves. Basically, he needs to do the therapy to retrain the nerves to fire normally. The psychological aspect might prevent his recovery. It's pretty touch and go at the moment." He stared at her for a moment, his head tilting to the side. "Don't hold this against him. Sometimes patients that experience torture need to relearn all of their social skills."

Biting her lower lip kept the tears from welling up again, but it did nothing for the pain in her heart. "Thank you Lieutenant. . .I'll get out of your hair now." Without haste, she made it out of the office and back to the relative safety of JAG ops. . .

She chewed her meal thoughtfully while considering her next move. Clayton Webb was at the forefront. As far as Mac saw it, he owed Harm and would have to be the person to make sure he got the help he needed. Physical therapy aside, Mac was fairly certain that the CIA had a headshrinker that dealt with CIA agents. She washed down the last piece of chicken with a diet soda and placedthe chopsticks down on the plate. "Ugh." Thinking about Webb was enough to give her a stomach ache, but he was a necessary evil, especially if she meant to keep Harm's service record as clean as possible. He didn't need another black mark.

'I don't need you.' Harm's words from earlier tugged at her heart strings. It was difficult to consider a relationship when he was throwing in the towel. Everything that became grounded the night they slept together was now blown to bits. Thoughts and feelings were pulling her to and fro. Her heart felt as shattered as it did one night on a ferry boat in the land down under.

"Damnit, why does everything with us have to be complicated?" Sighing, Mac stared up at the ceiling to a God that rarely seemed to listen anymore. "Can't you give me a sign? Something! Anything! Can't you see that I can't figure this out on my own?"

Too overwhelmed to realize she was not alone, Mac hadn't realized there was a figure watching her every move. Her plea was enough to stir up a comment. "I've never known you to talk to yourself, Mac."

She moved so quickly, that a chopstick went flying, landing a few feet in front of her desk. "Shit, Sturgis!"

"Hello to you too." Grinning, Sturgis stepped into her office. "You ah, dropped something." He sheepishly said as he bent over to pick up the chopstick. He handed it to her and, without being asked, settled into one of her guest chairs. "Sorry I didn't stop by earlier, but it's been extremely crazy today."

"No worries, I'm not very good company at the moment."

The next question, he decided, would gauge what the reason for her mood was. "How's Harm?" Sturgis immediately noted the hard look on her face and the expression in her eyes that seemed to be full of pain. "Forget I asked."

Mac turned her head and chuckled without mirth. So much for hiding at the office. "It's not too promising." Without sugar coating, she relayed the information that Doctor Luna passed on to her and added her own take to the situation. "I think Harm has hit his breaking point." For that matter, she wasn't too far behind.

"What makes you say that?"

"He went through a lot, much more than should ever be required by any human being to endure."

"Harm's a tough guy, Mac. . .Losing his father at such an early age, I think, helps him adapt to. . ."

"Not this time." She interrupted and cast her eyes down in shame. "Harm came along to protect me and I think. . .I think he blames me for what happened to him. I know he blames me."

"Mac, don't blame yourself.. It wasn't your fault." Sturgis tried to rationalize. He should have known better.

"Before I left, I told him the most. . .ridiculous, selfish.. ." Mac threaded her fingers and squeezed hard, then brought her forehead against her knuckles. He'd asked her not to go, hadn't he? "He told me not to leave and I basically told him that he was only interested in me when he couldn't have me."

"Ouch." Never let it be said that Harm was the only person with the foot in the mouth problem. "How'd he take it?"

She shrugged. "He just stood there and I left. . .Maybe if I'd waited?" Waited for what exactly? Either the man wanted her or he didn't and up to earlier that day, she was almost one hundred percent certain that he did. The way he vowed to protect her was heartwarming and bittersweet. In the back of her mind, she could still hear him screaming. "Damnit." Shaking, she reached for a tissue out of the box on top of her desk. Mac tried to hide the tears, but it was no use, she was due. Covering her face with her hands, she cried. Her sobs shaking her body when she tried to grasp for air.

Sturgis had only seen this side of Mac twice: once during the JAG-A-Thon when she and Harm were trying to repair their relationship and a second time when he'd grilled her into disclosing her love for her partner and best friend. She'd never cried, at least, not that he had seen. And she'd never been this raw and vulnerable, something that was starting to scare him. He thanked the Lord that it wasn't normal working hours and walked around the desk, then squatted in front of her. "Mac. . .Mac, it's gonna be alright." Sturgis pulled her hands away from her face and managed to look directly into her eyes. "It's gonna be alright."

"He was tortured, Sturgis." She spat out in anger for her burst of emotions. "I heard him. . .I can still hear him. It won't stop." Mac pressed her hands against her ears but it didn't stop the sounds.

Leaning forward, Sturgis brought Mac into a tight hug. She cried against his shoulder and he only moved away when the sobs seemed to have stopped. "You're exhausted. You need to rest." Reaching over, he took her briefcase and purse, placing them at the top of her desk. "C'mon, I'll drive you home and pick you up in the morning." He offered her a hand which she didn't take. Instead, Mac stared up at him with that deer-in-the-headlights look. Sturgis understood, she didn't want to be alone. "Do you still carry a sea bag in your car?"

Mac sniffled and nodded. "Always do."

"How about you crash at my place tonight? It's a one bedroom, but the sofa is a pull out and it's very comfy. . .And before you say 'no', I insist."

Part of her didn't want to take Sturgis up on the offer, but the rational side of her won over. "Alright. . .Give me a minute,I just need to finish the file I was working on." It wouldn't be in her best interest to be alone knowing she had the bad habit of over thinking everything. Having someone nearby would help and besides Harm and the Roberts, Sturgis was someone she trusted. He'd earned that trust nearly two years earlier when she'd sworn him to secrecy.

The truly disheartening fact in the whole matter was that she could no longer keep on pretending that she didn't love Harm. As if that was ever a real secret to anyone but Harm and Mac.

0745 Local

Bethesda Naval Hospital

Bethesda, Maryland

"I can shower by myself." Harm had been singing the same song since day one, but the nursing staff had other ideas. He half believed that they just wanted to see him naked, something that may have been cute at one point and now just served to piss him off. "I'm not an invalid!" Annoyed, he slapped away at the sponge and practically growled at the two young women who were tending to him. "Tell someone that I want to take a shower on my own." He held his sheets in a vice grip. "Tell. Someone. That. I. Want. To. Shower. On. My. Own!" Slowing down his speech, he made it seem as if he were speaking to someone who had a learning disability.

The two women stared at each other and then back at their patient. "Commander, the doctor has not cleared you to. . ." She paused when Mac stepped into the room. "Colonel, Ma'am."

"Petty officer. . .Could I have a moment with the Commander?" She smiled at the two women as they excused themselves and hurriedly walked out of the room. Her back was to Harm and she could feel the tension radiating off of him. He wasn't pleased. "When I turn around, I want you to just listen, nothing more. . .I'm not here to argue with you." For now, she would treat this like a business negotiation and with good reason. Turning around, her eyes directly sought his. They were blood shot and emotionless, much like her own. "You didn't sleep much either?"

"Kinda hard to when you keep having nightmares." Harm replied through gritted teeth. It's not that he didn't want her there, he just couldn't cope with the emotions she was making him feel. "Why are you here, Mac?"

"Because I care about you? Part of the reason I couldn't sleep was because I was tempted to call and see if you were alright."

"I'm fine. . .You can go." And there he went, pushing her away again. Mac had every right to call it a dance.

She knew that he wasn't fine, but wished not to argue with him considering the circumstances. "I know things aren't well, but that's a whole other issue. . .The gang's all here. They want to see you." Mac added and waited for the big bang. It was early in the morning when Chegwidden had phoned Sturgis, asking him to get a hold of her and to get down to Bethesda. Doctor Luna had spoken to AJ over the night and suggested the visit as a hope to boost morale. As a result, Bud, Harriet, Sturgis and AJ had all tagged along.

Harm was not pleased. "I don't want to see anyone." Rather, he didn't want them to see him, or what was left of him.

"I can't just ask them to leave, Harm."

"Sure you can, you outrank most of the people in the office. Just, order them to get the hell out of here!"

"She doesn't outrank me, Commander." Chegwidden said, as he stepped in first, followed by Sturgis, Harriet and then Bud. He made a mental note of the way Harm had instantly hidden his arms under the sheets and sank down into the bed as if he were hiding something. "We thought you could use a little company."

A little? As far as Harm was concerned, all of JAG was in his room. "I'm not really up for company. I would really like it if you all just left." Couldn't people see that he wanted to be alone in his misery?

"We just got here, sir." Harriet said as she slid a large fruit basket onto the side table. "I thought this would be better than balloons and flowers."

"Or teddy bears?" Harm said and then glanced towards Mac who didn't meet his gaze. He couldn't tell her that he loved the bear and that he'd even named it. Nor that it lay somewhere underneath his sheets. "Thank you, Harriet. . .Thank you guys for coming, but I am really wrecked. I need some rest."

Even at his age, Bud had a boyish charisma about him that was both heartwarming and endearing. He was also a well taught lawyer with the ability to cut someone down to shreds on the stand. Losing his leg one year earlier only served to mature him and see things in a different light. Some of it was good, the other, no so much. Yet, he'd never forgotten that silly little phrase 'if life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' It was his own trauma that made him understand what Harm was going through more than anyone else. "Actually, sir. . . I would like to speak with you privately."

It was Bud's charm that Harm couldn't say 'no' to. "Alright, Bud, just make it snappy."

Mac was the last to step out and the moment she did, Bud turned to Harm with a surreal determination. "I can tell you aren't handling this as well as you would like."

"That's an understatement." He snorted.

"You told me once to pay attention to everything around me. . .I just wanted to pass that same piece of advice to you." Cryptic and yet, often not saying too much was the easiest way to get through. "If you need any help during rehab, let me know."

Amazed, Harm looked on as Bud stepped outside. It often surprised him that Bud was the same man that came to JAG so many years ago. The two men often seemed worlds apart. "Mac? I thought you left." He noticed that she entered the room shyly, cautiously.

"I just. . .I guess I am a glutton for punishment." Mac folded her arms across her chest and stood fearfully defiant. "Can we talk?"

The woman had the absolute worst timing. "Mac, I can't. . .Not now, maybe not ever."

She didn't care if he wanted to table this discussion, there was something that Mac needed to hear from him no matter how it hurt. A reason to validate the same feeling within herself. "Do you blame me for what happened to us?"

"Us? I think more things happened to me than to you." Harm spat back in a cold tone, watching her physically recoil as if his words administered physical pain. "I asked you not to go and you did anyway. You left after dropping a bombshell on me. Do I blame you? Yes. . . I blame myself too, for being in. . .Never mind, I am too tired for this."

Mac wiped a stubborn tear away. "Thank you for your honesty." At least now she knew that most of the blame was hers to shoulder. As she made to step out of the room, she whipped around and glared at him, there was still more to say. "You can keep on pretending that you suddenly don't care about me, but I know differently. . .My foot isn't out the door this time, Harm. I am willing to wait as long as it takes. You just need to let me know if our heaven is worth the waiting."

Harm knew that she wasn't going to wait for his answer, not at that given moment. So why was it that it hurt to see her go? Grabbing a pillow, he pressed it over his face. Love was like a flame that couldn't be tamed, though he'd tried to blow out the embers so many times. This thing between him and Mac was no longer a dance, it had become a game. One that it seemed like he would never win.