Part 14

"What is it?" Olivia turned from the window, seeming to sense Alex's hesitancy.

"Uh, nothing."

But she could feel Olivia, ever the observant detective, following her line of sight.

"Ah."

"I can sleep on the couch…"

Olivia laughed, "don't be ridiculous. That bed is big enough for five people. You're not going to be uncomfortable for a week and we're not children."

Alex half-smiled, amused by Olivia's levelheadedness in this situation. She was being different. Perhaps it was an expected trauma that Olivia would want to bolt at the first sign of something uncomfortable, yet she was not doing so. Instead she moved closer to Alex, putting her arms around her.

"We came here to figure things out, didn't we?"

Alex nodded, realizing it had been months since they'd been so near to one another. She wanted nothing more than to kiss her again. To really kiss her in the way they used to when it had all begun and Olivia wanted to be kissing her and not just taking from her. And Olivia leaned in and pressed a gentle, hesitant kiss to her lips and Alex exhaled shakily. They looked at one another for a moment, really looked into the other's eyes and then Alex cupped Olivia's cheeks, guiding their lips together in something that felt new and intimate. Olivia had always been a wonderful kisser, her mouth firm and smooth, opening at just the right moments, her hand tight where it fell against Alex's lower back.

She wasn't sure how long they stood there in this cozy, familiar embrace. She wanted more, so much more, and yet they were not to that step yet. Alex pulled away, pressing little kisses along Olivia's jaw before whispering, "we should…go get something to eat."

Olivia bowed her head, hands clutching tighter for a moment, sounding a bit breathless when she whispered, "Yes."

They stepped away from one another and smiled shyly. Alex ran a hand through her hair and stifled a yawn. Olivia frowned at her. "Did you sleep on the plane?"

Alex shrugged. "Oh, a little." But she had hardly slept a wink having enjoyed the feel of holding Olivia close to her. "But you know how they tell you to stay up so that you acclimate."

"We can take it easy today." Olivia ran a hand down her shoulder.

They took turns freshening up, shyly dodging one another in the process. And once Alex was showered and changed, Olivia washed and remade-up, they walked down the block to find a little grocery store. It was surreal to see Olivia outside her normal backdrop of the city. It was harsh, cold, grey. Seeing her in green, lively Paris brought out something sparkling, colorful in the detective. Their hands found one another as they walked down the street, passing a little garden where they watched ducks in a pond and little children playing with their parents. Alex covertly studied the way in which Olivia's expression turned to that of maternal longing at the sight of the children. Her mind jumped a million miles ahead and she had to reel herself back to the current moment begrudgingly.

They returned to the apartment and Alex fixed a cheese and fruit platter, finding that her lack of sleep was slowly creeping up on her as they settled into the couch beside one another.

"This is the best cheese I've ever had in my life." Olivia noted as they sat side-by-side, their legs touching beneath a light throw blanket.

"American food can never compare to European cuisine."

Olivia studied her over a bite of an apple. "Have you been here before?"

"Oh, once when I was in college. I came for a summer program. I was studying French at the time." Alex grinned. "You've never been?"

Olivia shook her head. "There was never money…and then when I started working for the NYPD there was never time."

Alex nodded. "You're very dedicated."

"We both are." Olivia gave her a half-smile. "I think we had to be to get to where we are."

Alex agreed.

"You know, it was never easy being a woman in the beginning. I had to…I carried myself differently, to fit in." Olivia sat back, remembering how things had started. It was as if she wanted Alex to know, to understand. And Alex listened. "I cut my hair, I didn't want to attract any more attention than was necessary. I went drinking with the guys, I put up with their sexual innuendos, the way they talked about women…and they treated me as if I were one of them and I thought that was needed to make it, to move forward." She looked lost in thought. "I was so determined to make something of myself. But I also, I couldn't like women because that would have been abnormal, wrong. They wanted to brother me, they wanted to vet every and any guy I was with. If I'd…if they'd thought I liked women…" She shook her head.

Alex let her hand fall lightly atop Olivia's crossed knee. "It was different then. Though, it's hardly better now, they just can't say as much."

Olivia nodded in agreement. This was the most she had opened up to Alex. Of course, they knew one another, had an intimate, internal understanding of the other, but there were parts of their lives that had gone unshared. There was so much Alex wanted to know.

"Did…did one of them hurt you?" Alex asked timidly.

Olivia's brow furrowed. Her eyes closed and she shook her head. "It wasn't an assault. Or…maybe it was, but…" She bit her lip, took a deep breath. "I had a boyfriend, during the police academy. A guy who I was training with. He seemed nice at first, maybe a little rough around the edges, but he always went out of his way to be kind to me. I should have…I should have recognized the signs."

Alex took her hand, their fingers entwining. "Sometimes you don't know. You can't beat yourself up about that."

Olivia shrugged, her hand clasping tighter. "He was my first. I was…I never focused on dating even though a lot of people thought I was experienced, I mostly hid away on the weekends in high school and college. I was…afraid because of what had happened to my mother. But he…he seemed different. I went out with him and he took me home with him after the third date and I told him, I told him I wasn't comfortable, that I hadn't…" Olivia's voice was growing thin. "He was so nice, he – he wanted to show me how to pleasure myself. He wanted to make me feel good. He would…. he would make me touch myself while he watched." She looked down at her lap. "And he…he had this thing about watching lesbian porn. He wanted me to watch it, he wanted me to get aroused by it and then he wanted to…have sex with me while I watched." Olivia shook her head. "And I let him…I let this happen. Not just once, but…for months. Because I thought maybe this was how it had to be…and I felt so ashamed watching those women. I felt really ashamed because it did interest me, more than I wanted to admit. It was like he knew that and used it against me and it just became something he could hold over me. And I…I was ashamed because what I saw on that screen made me feel disgusting and yet I wanted it…" There were tears on her cheeks as she spoke, as if these words had been trapped inside of her all of these years.

Alex sat with her in the silence of her truth. Taking it in, piecing together what it had all meant, what it was that had traumatized her all those years ago, why Olivia had been so knowledgeable despite having never had sex with a woman before Alex, as she had admitted at one point. Alex had the strongest desire to find this asshole who had done this to her and kill him. Instead she held tighter to Olivia's hand.

"It's not that I didn't…don't want to, Alex…I just…"

Alex brought her hand to her lips and kissed it. "I understand, Liv. Thank you…thank you for telling me."

Olivia nodded, still not looking at Alex. "I want to be able to...I want to be able to enjoy myself, to not be trapped in that. It was so long ago and he took so much from me. But I don't want that to hold me back anymore." Olivia looked at her hopefully.

Alex realized her eyes were wet from her own tears. She wiped at them. "What can I do?"

Olivia shrugged. "Are we…this is, real?"

Alex laughed, "do you want to be with someone else?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Neither do I." Alex whispered. "I wish I could…I wish I could assure you somehow. And I feel like we've lost trust in one another, but I love you, Liv. It might not be enough, it might fall apart in the future, but…if we could trust that this is true now…"

"I do." Olivia leaned her head on Alex's shoulder. "I do."

Alex nodded, kissing her forehead. "Then, we won't do anything you're not comfortable with. You'll…you'll tell me."

"Yes." Olivia nodded.

Alex wrapped her arm about the brunette, looking out the window to find that the sun had set on their conversation. And just as she glanced up, the Eiffel Tower lit up like a giant Christmas tree, the lights shimmering, glimmering against the dark night sky.

"'s beautiful." Olivia whispered against her chest.

"It is."

They got ready for bed separately, brushing up against one another as they maneuvered through the bathroom and bedroom. Olivia changed into a pair of shorts and a grey T-shirt that stretched taut over her chest. She looked divine with no make-up, her dark-rimmed glasses covering her naked eyes. Alex realized she had never seen her in her night things or as undone as she was in this moment. And she was breathtaking.

Alex rubbed lotion on her face as she shut off the light in the bathroom. Olivia was sitting on the edge of the bed, she looked up concerned when Alex entered. "Uh…do you want this side?"

Alex shook her head, finding it adorable that Olivia should be concerned by such things. "No…no, you can take it." She climbed in on the right side, feeling a million miles away from Olivia despite the fact that they were next to one another. It was an expansively large bed that rested between them. It was no longer the close proximity that the plane had offered them, but Alex didn't want to make Olivia uncomfortable. It was only the beginning of things.

They had agreed to take things slowly, Alex making it a point that they should take this first night for sleep and sleep only.

She adjusted the pillow beneath her and then laid back.

Laughter came from the other side of the bed and she turned to find Olivia laying there looking over at her. "What?"

"We're just…so far apart." Olivia grinned.

Alex smiled. "Liv," she pushed the pillow so that she could face Olivia. "Do you realize this is the first time we've been in a bed together…for sleeping?"

Olivia sobered for a moment. "I…uh, I guess so."

"Liv, it's okay." Alex reached across the bed. Olivia met her hand halfway across the bed. She reached back to turn off the bedside lamp and it cast the room into a glittering darkness, compliments of the Eiffel Tower nightlight. Alex could make out Olivia's eyes in the darkened room. They held one another's gaze in the darkness.

Alex felt the last twenty-four hours of lack of sleep slowly creeping over her. There was a warmth to the comfortable bed, to the feel of Olivia's hand in her own. It was the first time in a long while that she'd drifted off into a calm, serene sleep. Her mind, for the moment, was neither racing ahead nor behind. Olivia was there with her in person. Beside her.

The next thing she knew there was a warm light flooding into the room. A dissonant siren wailed its way through a waking city, birds were chirping nearby and Alex found she was definitely not in New York any more. There was something warm pressed against her, something warm and solid, something that smelled of jasmine and vanilla.

Her eyes fluttered open to find a dark head of hair before her. The detective was sleeping in her arms. She was afraid to move, afraid to wake Olivia and scare her. But she realized her arm was falling asleep. Her other hand, however, was clasped about Olivia's stomach, hand brushing beneath her breast. Oh God, had she groped the detective in her sleep? Jesus.

Olivia shifted in the bed, taking a deep breath. Was she awake?

Alex stayed still, concerned that Olivia would wake up and realize what sort of position they were in and freak out. The detective turned her head in her embrace, those dark eyes were wide open, smiling.

Alex smiled back. "Morning."

"Good morning." Olivia shifted. "Your arm okay?"

"I can't feel it."

"Guess I'm heavier than I thought." Olivia laughed and moved so that Alex could take back her arm but then she surprised her by curling back into her, wrapping her strong arms about Alex and holding her close. "Guess the bed was too big."

"This…this is okay?" Alex kissed her forehead, inhaling that decadent scent that was all Olivia.

Olivia nodded, pressing a kiss to Alex's chest. "I'm not fragile, I…I want to be here with you."

Alex smiled and pulled Olivia closer. "What do you want to do today?"

"I have always wanted to go to the Louvre."

"Yeah? I didn't take you for an art aficionado."

"I'm a Dan Brown fan."

"Ah, a reader."

Olivia laughed and looked up to face Alex. She was quite something in the morning, all fresh faced and big-eyed. "I've missed you, Al."

"I've missed you." Alex felt her heart race, wanting to touch Olivia, afraid to do so. Alex let her hand slide down Olivia's arm. "Well, I'll take you out for breakfast and we can get there early, before the tourist crowd rushes the place." Alex moved to sit up.

"Al," Olivia reached for her. "Where are you going?"

"I'm getting up."

"You don't…you don't have to get up." Olivia sat up in the bed.

Alex settled back into the bed, running a hand through her hair. "Liv, I don't know what we can and can't do…I want to, I want to do this right, but…"

Olivia rubbed her forehead, "I know. But I…I want you to, uh…"

"Well." Alex turned to look at Olivia. "Okay…"

"Al, just…just a little." Olivia reached out for her, pulling her close to her in the center of the bed. She tucked Alex's hair behind her ears and pulled her close, pressing their lips together. "Just a little…bit…" She took Alex's hand in her own, "I want to…feel…" And Alex let her hand be guided, delighted when Olivia pulled it beneath her shirt and pressed it to her breast, holding Alex's hand against her hardened nipple. "S' okay." She whispered between kisses and Alex let the pad of her thumb run over the nipple, growing bolder with each passing second that Olivia didn't pull away. Her hand cupped her breast, felt the weight of it, the roundness, the warmth.

Olivia moaned, low and deep against her lips. Alex's body hummed, she pulled back to look into Olivia's eyes. Her pupils were dilated, her breathing shallow.

"Can I?" Alex whispered, moving her hand to the bottom of Olivia's T-shirt.

Olivia nodded her consent, pulling Alex to her as they tumbled backwards onto the bed. Her breasts exposed to Alex, open to her. Alex pulled back to look at Olivia before bowing her head, pressing her lips to her chin, her neck, her chest. Olivia's fingers grasped at her, her hips moving upwards to meet Alex. God, she was gorgeous. She was encouraging her and Alex moved her lips to cover a nipple, running her tongue over the dark nub in a way she had wanted to for years.

"Oh," Olivia moaned above her, body shifting again.

Alex wrapped her mouth around the nipple and pulled with her lips before releasing and looking up at the brunette who was panting beneath her. "You okay?"

"Y-yes." Olivia nodded, wrapping her arms around Alex, pulling her close to her body. "It's nice."

Alex let her ear rest against Olivia's chest, listening to her wildly beating heart. She was certain those beats matched her own. She wanted to lay in Olivia's arms for eternity, inhaling the scent of her skin. If they were going to take it slow then she was going to thoroughly enjoy every moment of it.

This is totally off subject, but...can we just talk about - for one second - how terrible Olivia and Cassidy were? Like wth. It makes absolutely no sense.

Anyway...hopefully you're still enjoying. :) Thanks for the comments!