Trigger warning: Discussion of suicide

Olivia took the stairs up to the 5th floor walk-up two at a time, ignoring the burning in her lungs. She flashed her badge at the officers standing in the open doorway of the apartment and her heart broke when she stepped inside. It was all the normal chaos of a crime scene, CSU was collecting evidence and unis milled about, but she wasn't paying attention to any of that. Instead she immediately focused on the man in the center of the room.

Rafael was sitting on the couch staring at the floor, his forearms were resting on his knees and he held his hands palms up as if he was trying not to touch anything. His hands were covered in red streaks of blood as was the front of his checked shirt, even his blue tie had flecks of red.

"Liv, I tried…" He said weakly when he saw her. "I tried to…but I was too late."

The pain in his eyes and in his voice was almost enough to do her in. She crossed the room toward him, but was stopped by a detective she'd never met before. "You Lieutenant Benson?"

"Yes."

"Detective Gordon. He wouldn't talk until you got here." He nodded toward Rafael.

"Is he in trouble?" She asked.

"Don't think so." He shook his head. "It's a pretty apparent suicide. She was one of yours?"

Olivia nodded. "Yes, she was…" She said sadly.

"Sorry." The detective said gruffly. "We just need a statement from Mr. Barba and to take rule out prints, etcetera."

She nodded and stepped over to Rafael, putting a hand on his shoulder, just the act of physically connecting to him helping to calm her. She wished she could wrap her arms around him and pull him to her, but this wasn't the place. "Rafael, are you okay?"

"I tried to help her, Liv." His voice broke.

"I know you did. You did everything that you could. CSU needs to process you. Are you up for that?"

"Okay." He agreed.

Olivia nodded at the CSU techs that were waiting nearby.

"Mr. Barba, I just need to take some pictures." A pretty brunette with a camera said gently. She took what seemed like hundreds of photos of his hands, arms, and clothes before she finished.

Another tech stepped forward, informing him that they needed to collect his shirt as evidence. Olivia turned toward the hallway, deciding that she didn't want the first time she saw him shirtless to be under these circumstances. It felt wrong.

She made her way down the hallway to the bathroom. The assistant ME was waiting just outside and Olivia nodded her greeting. Inside another CSU tech with a camera was still taking pictures of the scene, but Olivia stepped in anyway.

"Oh, Melanie." It took everything in her not cry. It wasn't the first time she'd lost a victim and it wouldn't be the last, but it never made it less difficult to take.

The pretty blonde was on the floor in her underwear and bra, jagged slits on both of her wrists. The bathtub was half full of water that was now a deep shade of crimson from the blood that had flowed from her wounds. Some of the water had splashed on other surfaces, presumably from when Rafael pulled her from the tub. A once white towel that was now mostly red with blood lay near her body.

She shook her head, having seen enough, and walked back out to the living room.

"I'm an ADA, my prints are on file." Rafael snapped as he zipped up an NYPD hoodie. It looked like they'd given him something to clean his hands, but they still had a red tint to them. He'd clearly had his fill of being prodded.

Olivia stepped forward. "Like he said, his prints are on file, so if you don't need anything else."

"Thank you." Rafael told her once the techs had walked away. "I just want to go home."

"Hold on." She walked over and talked to the detective for a minute before returning to Rafael. "Let's go. I told Detective Gordon I'd take you home and get your statement."

As they were heading out the door Rollins rushed in. "Liv, what happened?"

"Go ahead downstairs." She told Barba. "My car is out front."

He nodded before following her instructions.

"Melanie committed suicide." Olivia turned back to Rollins.

"No." Amanda's hand went to her forehead. "Dammit."

"I don't know exactly what Barba was doing here." Olivia continued. "I'm guessing she called him, but he's pretty messed up over it. I'm going to take him home and get his statement. I need you to stay here and keep an eye on things. I don't want this coming back on him at all."

Amanda nodded. "Understood. Fin is on his way too."

"Good." Olivia touched her shoulder. "Thanks, Rollins."

She hurried down the stairs and out of the building. When she reached her car Rafael was in the passenger sheet, head resting against the window with his eyes closed. She was pretty sure he wasn't sleeping, but she slipped behind the wheel wordlessly before starting the car and driving toward his apartment.

She was thankful that Lucy already had Noah for the night since she'd been stuck at the precinct until late. She wasn't sure how long it would take to get Rafael in a mental state where she felt comfortable leaving him.

Neither of them spoke the entire trip, which made the drive seem to take longer than it should, but finally she found street parking close to his door. It was an illegal spot, but thanks to her NYPD plates she knew the car would still be there, ticket free, when she came back to it.

Liv nodded at Frank as he held the door open for them. The doorman looked concerned, but didn't say anything and Olivia was grateful for that.

Once they were inside his apartment they just stood in the entryway, not sure what to do.

Finally, Rafael spoke. "I'm gonna…" He gestured to the clothes he was wearing and she nodded.

"Okay."

He disappeared down the hallway and she made her way to the kitchen in search of water. She opened the refrigerator and shook her head with a small laugh. It held some bottled water, a bottle of white wine, and that was about it. It looked much like her fridge had before Noah came along. She grabbed two bottles of water, cracking one open for herself as she heard the shower turn on.

While she waited she leaned against the counter, texting Rollins for updates.

It wasn't long before the shower turned off and a few minutes later he emerged wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a Harvard t-shirt that had seen better days. He was rubbing a towel over his hair, but that didn't stop some droplets from escaping and running rivulets down his cheek and neck.

She told herself that this was completely the wrong time to find him utterly irresistible, but that didn't stop the desire that burned within her.

She handed him the second bottle of water and he took it with his free hand.

"Are you up to telling me what happened? Officially." She made clear.

"As I'll ever be, I guess." He popped back down the hallway to discard his towel in the bathroom hamper before rejoining her in the kitchen. "Can we?" He gestured toward the living room and she nodded, following him into the room.

They sat on opposite ends of the couch, facing each other. She placed her phone between them. "I'm going to record this so I can type it up tomorrow. Is that okay?"

He nodded.

She pressed the record button. "Okay, tell me what happened tonight."

She watched him steel himself and sit up straight. He cleared his throat and spoke in the clear and concise manner that he always used when working, the ADA replacing the scared, vulnerable man he'd been in Melanie's apartment. "I was working late and Melanie called me. She said that she wasn't going to be able to testify tomorrow after all. I asked if something was wrong, but she'd already hung up. Something didn't feel right and her address is in the case file, so I rushed over there. There was just something about the tone in her voice…"

He took a shaky breath and closed his eyes for a moment before continuing. "When I got there the door was unlocked. I found her…found her in the bathtub. There was blood everywhere, but I felt the faintest pulse. I pulled her out of the tub and tried to stop the bleeding. I called for a bus, but by the time they got there it was too late. She was gone."

He looked at her with pained eyes. She knew that scenes like he'd witnessed had been a part of her life for years, but he'd probably never had to deal with such a thing before. She knew how hard it could be.

"I was just with her this evening, prepping for tomorrow. She seemed fine, upbeat even." His brow furrowed. "Was she pink clouding and I missed it? Could I have…"

She reached down and ended the recording on her phone. This didn't need to be a part of the official record.

Setting the phone aside she scooted over until she was next to him, official business done for now. She put an arm around him and he leaned into her, putting his head on her chest. The steady beat of her heart helped center him.

"You didn't do anything wrong." She told him, running a hand over his damp hair. "Sometimes we just don't see it coming. You did everything you could."

He leaned back so he could look at her. "I don't know how you do this. I always come in after the fact. I mean it's still hard, but it's nothing like…She was alive when I got there, Liv. Alive, heart beating, but I couldn't…I couldn't…"

She put her hands on either side of his face. "I saw the amount of blood she'd lost. There was no way she was coming back from that." She tried to go with facts since simple comfort didn't seem to be working. He usually did better with facts.

He nodded, knowing that what she said was true, even if it didn't do much to make him feel better.

She leaned in and put her forehead on his. "I'm so sorry that this happened."

He looked into her eyes for a moment before tilting his head up and capturing her lips with his. His kisses were slow and tender at first, but then they grew in urgency as his desperation to put the events of the night out of his mind grew.

She knew this was what he needed, a distraction from the thoughts running through his head, and she gave it to him. Returning his kisses with just a much fervor, running her hands up through his hair, laying back on the couch so that they were more comfortable.

Her movement broke through the fog in his head and he stopped, standing up and holding out his hand to her. Even under the circumstances he wasn't going to let their first time together be on his couch.

She stared at his hand for a moment. This had gone from something that was happening in the heat of the moment to something deliberate. Was this a step they were ready to take? Finally, she met his eyes and in them she saw the answer. She took his hand and allowed him to lead her to the bedroom.