A/N: Meep meep. I'm a jeep.
Uchiha Tobi bounced along the grass in a certain clearing in the woods, a basket in his hand. When he finally stopped, he took out a picnic blanket from the basket: a bushel of balloons floating up into the air.
The other members of the group were there too: Kakuzu laying his head on Hidan's lap, Zetsu feeding Angel a carrot, Sasori carefully sitting down in a way that wouldn't mess up his outdoor wear while Deidara looked through the basket he had brought, Ivan dozing off in the warmth of the sun while Alfred lapped at an ice cream cone, and Kisame…
"..And after sticking down the straps…" He hummed as he was changing Miyu's diaper, "Who's a clean baby? Huh?" Miyu mewled, trying to touch Kisame's smiling face with her chubby little fingers.
"Hey Kisame," Kakuzu smirked, "Care to join us here back in the land of manhood?"
"As long as I have this adorable bundle in my hands, I am immune to all insults!" Kisame smiled, kissing Miyu on the forehead: the baby giving a whine.
"Oh no!" Deidara gasped, "Please tell me that I did not forget the plates!" The bird-demon looked through his basket again, "I did! I completely forgot them! Of all the things that could happen, this is the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!" The blonde used his magic to summon up a chaise-longue and fell onto it in a faint.
At least until he felt everyone staring at him. "What, un?" He asked in a pout, "You didn't expect me to lie on the ground, did you?" Everyone shook their heads, going back to what they were doing. Kisame laid himself out on the grass, Miyu on his chest as they sat in the sunlight.
Abruptly, a box was dropped behind his head, Kisame looking up and shouting, "Holy shit!" As he saw Itachi leering down at him, teeth bared eyes and ears twitching, and his hair a mess. Everyone shared the sentiment, backing up a bit as Itachi walked forward.
"Um…" Alfred blinked, Hidan asking,
"You okay?"
"No!" Itachi shouted, "I am not alright!"
"Whoa, wait a minute." Kisame stood to his feet, leaving Miyu to wriggle around on the blanket, "Is anyone messing with you? Tell me the name and they'll be six feet under in twenty seconds flat." Itachi shook his head,
"No, it's nothing like that."
"Then what is causing you so much worry?" Ivan asked. Itachi gave a heavy sigh before he explained,
"This has to be the worst day of my life! My letter to Rokubi-sama is almost overdue! And I haven't written down anything about Unity!"
"Phew!" Was everyone's collective sigh of relief, Zetsu smiling,
"Thank goodness. I thought something was actually wrong!"
"Excuse me?" Itachi flinched, teleporting between Kisame and Ivan, "Something IS wrong here!" He teleported to Deidara's chaise-longue, grabbing the blonde's cheeks, "If I don't turn in that letter on time, I'll be TARDY!"
The first person to laugh was Kakuzu, but soon everyone was chuckling much to Itachi's dismay. The brunette blushed, snapping,
"Don't laugh at me. Don't you laugh at me!"
"Hey dude," Alfred wrapped an arm around the weasel-demon's shoulder and spoke in a reassuring tone, "You got to loosen up a bit. Sit down, have an ice cream cone or two!" Kisame nodded,
"Yeah, you're getting worked up over nothing."
"THIS ISN'T NOTHING!" Itachi panicked, "This is EVERYTHING! I need you all to come up with a problem or crisis I can solve before sunset! For gods' sakes," He pulled at his hair, "My whole life depends on this!" The air was silent for all of a second before Tobi giggled,
"Itachi, see, you can be really funny when you try!"
"Seriously now," Sasori patted an empty spot on the blanket, "Take a seat and stop stressing out. You're ruining your hair."
"Ugh..!" Itachi fumed, walking away, "UGH! You just DON'T get it!" He broke into a swift run, teleporting in a red flash.
"I hope he will be alright…" Ivan hummed.
"Yeah…" Kisame scratched the back of his head, "I've never seen him so upset before."
"I know, right?" Deidara laughed, "What a drama-queen, un!" Everyone looked at him with the single consensus being summed up in Hidan's,
"Really Deidara? Really?"
The sun clicked through the sky.
The second day. Two hours remain.
Inside the library, the lights had all been turned off if not shattered all together. "Clock is ticking 'Tachi…" Itachi's voice drifted throughout the space. Then, there on the bed, Itachi was staring the moving sun down through the window. "Clock… Is… TICKING!"
His hair had gotten worse and his skin was taking on a sickly sheen of sweat, his ears twitching as he jumped off and paced the floor, "I'm not being late… I WON'T be late! Even if it means that I have to kill someone!"
He then had a thought. A small smile appeared on his face as he rushed over to the closet and pulled out a dusty, heavy chest. "If I can't find a trouble…" He laughed as he opened it up, "Then I make a trouble!" ( 1 )
"Pass it over here!" In the schoolyard, the Chakra-Mark Musketeers were playing with a multi-colored ball that Kakashi had found in the school storage-sheds. Hun happily bounced the ball on his head before passing it to Ongakuhana.
A robin chirped, flying to rest in its nest in the bushes. Abruptly, Itachi poked his head out, giggling like a madman before he noticed the kids across the way.
Kira tossed the ball to Alexandr, the Baba Yaga kicking it towards Mizuki. However, before the otter-demon could get it, it rolled to a stop.
Then it twitched.
Then spasmed.
Before it grew and grew, swelling until it exploded in a cloud of red magic: revealing a manic, frizzy-haired, wide-eyed weasel-demon.
"Hello children…!" Itachi rasped out, ears twitching.
"Okaa-san?" Mizuki blinked, sensing that something was off with is mother-figure. But Kiro only went through the paces,
"Konbanwa Itachi. How are—"
"Grrr-eat!" He took a step towards the kids, "Just… great. You all look like you're doing great too!" The children slowly began to back up as Itachi stalked towards them. "Just a bunch of Unified friends who don't need the help of this agent of Unity!"
"I'm scared." Kira meeped, Ongakuhana taking her hand,
"Me too."
Itachi rubbed at the bags forming underneath his eyes before he reached into his pocket and pulled out…
A doll. A raggedy, wooden doll with red yarn hair. "This! Is my Lucy Librarian doll! She was my favorite toy when I was growing up! And now, I want you guys to have her!" The kids wearily regarded the old, worn toy as it floated towards them.
"Sarcasm…" Alexandr blinked as his mind failed to come up with a response to the doll, "Failing me."
"She's… great, ano sa?" Saso commented, trying to look at the doll's few and far between good attributes. Finally, Kire tilted his head,
"I really like her… hair?" Itachi nodded, seizing Mizuki's hand,
"She even comes with her own reference book!" He slid the tiny book into the otter-demon's hand, "For all of your reading and researching adventures!"
"I'm still scared." Kira blinked, Ongakuhana hiding the cat-demon behind her,
"Me too."
"Itachi," Hun walked over, "In all seriousness, you okay?"
"I really… like her… hair?" Kire winced. Itachi decided to go in for the kill,
"And such a big group of friends can't find a way to share this one, amazing doll! Can you? I mean I'd hate to cause a rift between you all!" His voice took on a sinister tone at that moment before he asked, "Who wants her first?"
"Saso!" Kiro immediately pushed the blonde up front, "You like dolls! You take her!"
"Oh no, ano sa!" Saso furiously shook his head, "Kire, you play with him. You liked her hair so much!"
"Bull!" Kire snapped, his mother's tendencies coming out, "There's no way in hell!" That caused a bit of a scuffle among the children, Itachi's eyes whipped from left to right: his mind racing,
'What do I do? What do I do? This isn't working – Why isn't this working?'
Want it…
'Wait. What was that?'
Need it…
Want it… NEED IT!
Itachi didn't know who was talking to him, but he knew that they had a good idea. So, quickly remembering what he needed to, Itachi held up his hands, "Oh-ho-ho! You all are going to like Lucy… You're going to love Lucy… In fact," He moved his hands in the slow, hypnotic movements that spelled out the kanji for 'love'. "You're going to want her more than you wanted anything in your tiny little lives!"
The kids stopped their squabbling just as Itachi finished the spell. A slither of pink chakra whipped forth from Itachi and went into the doll: causing it to pulse with a warm glow. The kids slowly walked toward the doll and looked at it again.
The effect was imminent.
"I want it…" Ongakuhana smiled, her eyes glazing over in pink. Alexandr shoved her aside, whispering as his eyes glazed over,
"I need it." The snowy-haired boy was pushed away by Kire who exclaimed,
"I LOVE her freaking hair!"
The children quickly glanced at each other before they all charged towards the toy: biting and scratching at each other as they tried to get to Lucy.
"The 'Want it, Need it' Spell…" Itachi sang with a smile, "It works every time!" He then walked over, stating in triumphance, "Okay you guys, break it up! There's a lesson to be learned here about—"
He tried to get near the fighting group, just to be pushed away. "Come on guys…" He cleared his throat before waving his hands, trying to get everyone's attention. "We're all friends here! We need to share!"
Kire popped his head out of the fight, snapping, "No way in hell!"
"She's MINE!" Hun barked.
"For gods' sakes!" Itachi groaned before jumping into the fray, trying to get the doll away from the children. However, he was soon flung away into the rickshaw of Dim Sum, Kakuzu and Hidan's oldest son. The quiet stitch-demon helped Itachi to his feet, Itachi smiling,
"Oh Dim Sum, thank goodness! Look, I need you to help me get that doll away from the children. Now!" Dim Sum looked over at the kids through his roughly cut bangs before he nodded,
"Mm.", and slowly walked over. He simply stuck a powerful arm into the fray and successfully pulled Lucy out: her body still pulsing.
"Thank you so much!" Itachi gave a relieved sigh, "Now, just give her to me." Dim Sum rushed away, shaking his head,
"Mm-mm.", his eyes glazed over in pink.
"Fuck me!" Itachi shouted, slapping his palm against his forehead. And before he could even try to follow him, the kids gave chase; Hun leading the charge.
"Give her back!" The hell-dog barked as they ran around. They rushed past Tsunade, the buxom mayor about to set out a long-chair for a day out in the sun when the chaos passed them.
"What's everyone going on about?" Tsunade asked. Just then, a dog-demon named Kiba ran up a nearby hill, explaining,
"They're fighting over that doll!", before his eyes glazed over.
"That incredible…" Iruka sighed with pink eyes, "Amazing doll~!" Soon enough, demons from all over were rushing into the park, all trying to get to Lucy: fighting to the point of breaking bones and shedding blood.
Itachi desperately tried to use his magic to grab Lucy, gritting his teeth, "Can't… get… through…" Dim Sum was managing to keep the doll away for the most part. But then Tsunade snatched it away, laughing,
"Gimme!"
The blonde demoness rushed off, the doll clutched tightly in her hands. Then, a large cracking noise echoed through the air: the other demons and creatures being sent flying before Dim Sum frowned, "Mm-mm.", and chased after Tsunade.
As hundreds of demons chased after the beckoning doll, Itachi shook his head, whispering, "Dear gods, what have I done?"
Kakuzu had been dozing off on Hidan's lap, all too comfortable, when the sound of a fight washed over his ears. "The hell?" He asked, getting up. Hidan heard it too,
"Do you guys hear that?" They all jolted as the ground began shaking. Then, Zetsu had to yank Tobi out of the way before he was trampled by the crowds of demons who were chasing Tsunade and the doll.
"What the hell is going on here?" Kisame asked, trying to calm Miyu down, the commotion causing her to start crying. Suddenly, a flying demon ripped Lucy away from Tsunade's hands. They lost it soon after when a plume of orange fire from Naruto singed their backside.
Lucy landed on the ground, Alfred turning towards it, his eyes about to glaze over –
"NO!" Itachi turned the Trickster Spirit's head, "Don't look at it!"
"Don't look at what, un?" Deidara asked, Itachi explaining as everyone came close,
"My Lucy Librarian doll! I enchanted her and now everyone's fighting tooth and claw over her!"
"What sort of spell," Ivan asked, narrowly avoiding two feuding demonesses, "Could cause such chaos?"
"More importantly," Zetsu asked, "Why would you enchant a doll?"
"Don't you judge me!" Itachi snapped, "I needed to do something! I have to have something to write to Rokubi-sama and if I thought that if I couldn't find any trouble, I would make a trouble!" A pitiful cry crawled up from his throat, "This day's almost over!"
Kisame looked towards the mountains, shaking his head, "Not almost."
Indeed, just as a shout of pain tore through the air, the sun went to rest behind the mountains: signaling the end of the day.
"No…" Itachi sobbed, burying his face into his palms and sinking to his knees.
All seemed dark. All seemed lost. Then…
"UCHIHA ITACHI!" Everyone looked up to see the graceful form of Rokubi's weasel-form. The weasel-deity glared at the sight of all the bedlam below, electricity coursing around him.
"Oh damn…" Hidan gulped at how angry the Celestial looked. Rokubi closed his eyes, the electricity taking on a simple blue hue before it sank down into the pandemonium.
It took all of a second for the fighting to finally cease, everyone involved looking around to see what the hell they had just been doing. Tsunade found herself grappling with a blonde pixie with golden, crossed-eyes and a bubble-designed magic-mark.
Lucy fell on the ground, everyone looking at her before Tsunade walked away, blushing in embarrassment. The others slowly cleared out, apologizing if they had hurt anyone.
Except for Dim Sum who, after everyone had gone, grabbed the doll and slowly walked off. The blue glow around Rokubi's frame, dissipated before he stared down at Itachi and said five simple words:
"Meet me in the library."
Before flying off. It took a few moments for everything to calm down, but Itachi slowly stood to his feet: tears dripping from his eyes.
"Itachi…" Kisame moved to help his lover, but Itachi shook his head: only kissing the shark-demon briefly before he kissed Miyu's cheek. Then he gave a shaky sigh,
"Good-bye everyone. And thank you for all that you've done for me."
"Whoa, wait a minute!" Hidan tried to figure out what was going on, but Itachi only walked away. Not even turning, he waved back,
"If you would be so kind to visit… I'll be back in Magic Camp… In Konoha."
"Magic Camp?" Deidara asked, Ivan adding,
"Konoha?" At that moment, the kids all walked over: Mizuki going up to ask his father,
"We're never going to see Okaa-san again?" Kisame shook his head,
"No… No, this isn't happening. I'm not allowing this to!"
"Of all the worst things that could happen," Sasori began, "This is the WORST!"
"POSSIBLE!" Deidara added before they finished,
"THING!"
"Oh, for gods' sakes!" Kakuzu frowned at the fashionistos' over-dramatics.
"What?" Sasori frowned, "This time it was actually context appropriate!"
"Damn it aniki…" Sasuke whispered as he hid behind a bookshelf in the library. The younger Uchiha was quietly watching as Itachi was begging and pleading his case to Rokubi, the weasel-deity's face impassive.
"I'm so sorry Rokubi-sama…" Itachi sobbed, "I know that I'm supposed to send you a letter on Unity and the workings of Terram every week. But I failed…"
"Itachi, I don't give a damn about the deadline or whatever!" Rokubi snapped. Itachi was confused,
"What? I don't understand…"
"Itachi," Rokubi kneeled down to his student's level, "That spell that you used… The 'Want It, Need It' Spell. That is highly prohibited magic: no one is supposed to even know of its existence, let alone cast it!"
Rokubi sighed as he stood, clearing his throat before he explained, "That spell was created by Eris to…" He shook his head, "Try and steal Sanbi from me." He shivered as, just then, he could have sworn he heard Eris's taunting voice singing,
"Some magic spells should have never been devised…
This one in particular will leave you traumatized.
If you need an example, I'm the perfect paradigm…
The Want it, Need it spell, works every time…" ( 2 )
In order to get such thoughts out of his head, how Sanbi had almost killed him while under that curse's influence, Rokubi shook his head and tried to give a reassuring smile to the weasel-demon in the room, "Besides, you are the most wonderful student anyone could ask for. I don't need a letter from you every week to realize that."
Before Itachi could say anything, the door to the library burst open: the group falling all over themselves: Sasori on the bottom yelping, "MY SPINE!"
"SCREW YOUR SPINE!" Kisame yelled as he rushed over to Itachi's side, Mizuki and Miyu with him, "Rokubi-sama, please, I beseech you: don't send the mother of my children away!"
"This mess isn't his fault!" Deidara stated, Zetsu explaining,
"We knew that Itachi was upset but not to such an extent!"
"And when he was storming off like he was," Ivan added, "We were not expecting such a messy chain of events, da?"
"As good friends…" Tobi whined, "We should have been there for him."
Rokubi looked around at everyone in the room, desperate not to laugh at their overreactions, but feeling his heart warmed at the sight of how much they cared for one another. Then, a thought clicked in his mind.
"Alright. I will forget Itachi's punishment…" He walked around the room, looking at some of the books on the shelves, "On one condition."
"ANYTHING!" The demons in the room pleaded. Rokubi then stated,
"You all have different Celestials who you pray to, right?" When everyone nodded, he continued, "I will ask you all to write letters to your respective Celestials about lessons on Unity and the workings of Terram… When, and ONLY when you happen upon them." He ended this statement with a wink towards Itachi, before he walked outside to the balcony.
"Rokubi-sama, wait!" Itachi called out as he followed, "How did you know about my troubles?" Rokubi chuckled as he allowed himself to shift forms,
"You have a very caring brother, Itachi."
"Thank you!" Sasuke's voice called out from inside. But Rokubi shook his head with a smile,
"Now, if you all will excuse me, I should head back to Konoha and tell the other Celestials that they should expect some coming mail." Everyone walked out just in time to see Rokubi leap into the sky, disappearing in lightning-bolt.
"Well…" Kakuzu called over to Sasuke, "Get over her scaly, we have a letter to write."
"Stop calling me—Ugh!" Sasuke rolled his eyes and walked in to get the scroll-paper and brushes ready. But before he even started writing, he found himself wrapped into a hug.
"Thank you otouto." Itachi whispered before he went to go see Miyu for the first time that day.
( 1 ) By the way, that typo was intended. Just imagine how funny it would be to hear Itachi saying that...
( 2 ) The context for this update... Some bronies say that the episode that this update is based on ('Lesson Zero') reflects that the villain Discord isn't actually defeated and is still causing chaos. So, for Eris here to still be tormenting Itachi from the grave somewhat reflects that. Oh, and for a good song go on YouTube and listen to 'Want It, Need It' the MIU cover. Very context appropriate.
Yeah, this week's update is in and I'm going to go watch some yaoi (just finished downloading Sensitive Pornograph and I'm so stoked!). Thanks for reading, please review!
-Tyranno's girl.