Never Say I Love You
DISCLAIMER: I got a new dog. I named him Snarry. Seriously. But that's just about it.
Chapter 14: You Are Not Alone
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(Alana's POV)
"I'm sorry, I can never be Lily," I whispered to myself as I slipped out of the room.
Maybe that was it. In my mind, I had wanted to be Lily in his eyes… to show him… for him to love me back.
Oh God, what is happening to me? How could I stoop down so low as to use my wiles to get something I so desperately wanted?
I had just wanted right then and there to disappear into my room –to salvage whatever was left of my shattered ego. But it was not to be that easy.
"What –did you say?" a cool baritone asked. I turned to face the owner of that voice. Master Severus was on his feet, his fists clenched on the sides of his body.
"M –Master?" I asked uncertainly. Surely, he did not hear me? I had said what I did in my head, right? But one look at his face told me otherwise; I froze in my spot.
"How do you –know about Lily?" Master Severus said in a calculated voice.
"Master, I –"
"How do you know –what do you know about Lily?" His obsidian eyes gave me a piercing glare. That quickly shut off my ability to string together coherent words.
"You –I –you, I mean –"
He started to move towards me in that swift and dangerous manner I've last seen him do that night by the bathroom. I closed my eyes as he approached me, waiting.
"Never. Speak. Of. Her. Again." Came a stiff voce. I opened my eyes in surprise; I had expected him to question me some more, yell at me even –but he didn't. When my eyes met his, he just looked away, pushed past me and headed for his rooms. I held my breath until after I heard a loud bang –the sound of his door closing.
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(Severus' POV)
I did not get to eat lunch that day…
Or dinner for that matter.
I had painstakingly planned that day in my mind.
But nothing ever went right.
I do not know what time it was, but it was already dark outside –not that I really cared. Since I came in the room, I lay on my bed staring up at the hangings of my four=poster, unmoving; but my mind was running around in circles. If I was feeling twisted a while ago, I now felt as if I was turned inside-out.
'I love you, Severus…'
No. She did not just say that.
'I can never be Lily…'
She definitely did not.
I sighed as I sat up. I'm definitely not going to get some sleep that day –might as well be productive. I eased myself out of my room and down the hall, trying to make as little noise as possible. I decided to just catch up on my reading so I headed for the library. I casually pushed the door open, planned for a quiet time alone with a good book to take my mind off of things. But as soon as the door creaked open, I realized that nothing really went my way that day.
Alana stood in the middle of the room, her face tensed as she held her ebony wand. She was back in her uniform of a fitted shirt and tight jeans; her hair was back up in a bun, exposing he delicate swan-like neck. She had books all around her in varying stages of disarray. Her concentration was intense as she did not even notice my presence. I had wanted to just turn back and return to my room, but my feet felt like lead. I stood frozen in that spot as I watched her twirl her wand in a large figure eight and gave it a jab.
"Accio, book!"
A faint purple glow issued from her wand and surrounded a nearby book as it flew towards her outstretched arms. A smile graced Alana's lips as the book touched her hand.
"Impressive," I blurted out before I could even stop myself. That certainly broke my concentration. She dropped the heavy volume in her surprise.
"M-master," she gasped, her eyes wide. "I –I was just practicing," she glanced at the orderly mess around her. "I'm sorry, I'll clean it up," She then began to pick up books by her hand and stuff them back in the shelves. I cleared my throat as I approached her. She stopped what she as doing and looked at me.
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(Alana's POV)
I looked up at Master Severus as he drew out his wand. I had been practicing the Summoning charm since after lunch and I was just beginning to get the hang of it. I did not notice the time or his presence.
"Impressive," I heard that familiar cold baritone, and my concentration faltered. AS I began to clean up the mess I've made. Master Severus cleared his throat. I stopped what I was doing as h stepped forward with his wand.
"Watch," he said, as he jabbed his wand backward and made a reverse figure eight in the air. "Reddo!" A flash of blue light shot out of his own ebony wand and all the books that were on the floor flew back to their respective shelves all at once. My face must've registered awe at what he did without me knowing it, for when Master Severus looked back at me, he said,
"Just do the reverse; it is no rocket science,"
I furrowed my brows; Not because of his neutral tone, but because of the "muggle" phrase 'rocket science'. I have always thought that wizards do not know much of the non-magical world based on the stories my master would tell me when we'd do our lessons before. Well, he must've read my thoughts.
"My father was a muggle," he said quietly, as if answering the unasked question in my head. He spoke in a manner that was like barely a whisper –still, every word was clear and defined. What he revealed to me came as a shock but I did not know what to say to him, so I remained silent. He walked towards a couple of couches that were in the room ad sat down on one. I just looked at him as he did. But when he saw me, he motioned for me to take the seat opposite him. After taking a deep breath, I sat down. Master Severus stared at me, as if trying to figure out what to say next. His fathomless black irises pierced right through me –it was as if he could see right through my very soul. I averted my eyes. It was a rather uncomfortable feeling, especially right after what had happened earlier that day. A few minutes of silence passed, with me hearing nothing but my heartbeat. Then after what felt like forever, he spoke to me once more.
"My father –was not a good man. He would hurt me and my mother when he would get drunk."
I swear, I saw him flinch when he had said this, but I did not comment. I sat quietly as he continued.
"My mother –she was a brilliant witch. Her only fault was falling in love –with the wrong guy." He gave me a look. I held his gaze. He sighed.
"She was disowned by her family when she had married my muggle father. Since then, she began to lose heart at magic. My father hated magic as well and he would treat my mother badly because she was 'not normal'. He would say that the only reason he got together with her was because she –she was a good lay."
I picked up the subtle break in his voce. I bit my lip as he spoke on.
"Father never did get a regular job. He would get one and find himself without it just a few days after. My mother would make potions for patrons on the sly to ensure that we had food on the table; It wasn't a pleasant life. When I was seven, I remembered how they would always fight about money and magic –and it would always end up with Mother getting beaten up and Father abandoning us for days. One time, when I was eleven –I was just about to start at Hogwarts, I walked in on them, arguing. Father was about to hit Mother with a walking stick. I got in between them to shield my mother from the blow. But instead of him stopping, he hit me even harder, calling me, his own son, a freak –" Master Severus closed his eyes. I could see the knuckles on both of his hands turn white as he gripped his robes.
"I –I was different. I have always felt alone, especially since after my mother had died in my fifth year and my father completely abandoned me not long after. I never really had friends until I –" He then stopped, as if trying to change the topic in his mind; he shook his head. I knew what he was trying to avoid mentioning.
Lily.
I heaved a heavy sigh as I stood up from my seat and crossed the gap between us. Master Severus still had his eyes closed. I knelt in front of him and grabbed his hands. He looked at me.
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(Severus' POV)
I do not know what has gotten into me. Nobody knew the story of my life, especially my childhood in all its entirety.
Not even…
I sighed as I closed my eyes. I couldn't even bring myself to talk about her. I'm at a loss as to why I was suddenly opening up to Alana. I shook my head.
Then all of a sudden, I felt soft hands gripping my own. Alana. She knelt in front of me, he eyes staring up at me in concern.
Concern, yes. For once someone looked at me, not with pity or hate or indifference. I found myself drowning in those emerald irises that radiated calm –as if all in the world was right.
At that point, I had wanted to just hold her hand and not let go. But for some reason, I couldn't just stay put. I pulled my hands away from her. She stood up, surprised, as I pushed past against her and towards the door. AS I gripped the door handle, she spoke.
"You are not alone,"
I halted and took a deep breath before turning to look back at her. She stood at the same spot where I've left her. She took a deep breath.
"I will never leave you alone," she whispered.
I had wanted to say something to that –but the way she had said those words –with so much concern, with so much conviction, with so much certainty – I found myself at a loss for words. She took a step towards me but no more.
"I –I'm not like your father, or your mother,"
She was at it again with that tone. What was she doing? And how was she able to make me feel –comforted?
After what had just happened between the two of us?
She took another step towards me.
"I –I'm not like… Lily,"
I swallowed hard and turned away from her. I grabbed the door handle once more.
"No, definitely not." I said quietly as I let myself out of the library, more confused than ever.
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A/N: I just felt like ending it there… I don't know. And to those who were wondering, the magic "EYES" number is… 18! Yay! Congratulations to lucyjoan! You've won yourself a one-shot. Just PM me for the details. In the meantime, please tell me what you think about this chapter. Can I get like, 5 more reviews before my next update? Pretty please? Thanks! -Eastwoodgirl