What Speaks in Darkness Chapter 14: Remains, a twilight fanfic

~/\~

~x~

Chapter 13

I floated…

High.

I slept…

Hard.

I felt safe…

Protected.

I dreamed…

Vividly.

~x~

"Come on, Bella," Alice whined as we walked to the parking lot after school. "How many times are you going to graduate?"

"Twice," I answered, without a beat. "Maybe three times if I decide to get my doctorate."

"Will I have to call you Dr. Swan?" she asked, giggling and grabbing the finger that was ready to flick her. Hard. "But you know what I mean. How many times are you going to graduate from high school?"

"Just the one time," I laughed. "Thank god. I couldn't handle another year at Forks High School. I don't think I could handle another year in Forks period."

Her face fell and I immediately felt bad. I grabbed her hand that was still clutching my finger. I looked at her and pulled her to me in a hug.

"You know I'll miss you, right?" I asked, feeling the wispy, short strands of her hair as they tickled my nose. She smelled like apples and honey.

"I know," she sighed, squeezing me tight. "Besides, someone has to stay here to keep Jacob out of trouble. He's going to miss you more than me. Well…maybe…only a little more."

"I know. I'm going to miss him, too…but I can't not go."

We reluctantly pulled apart and climbed in my truck. Her voice was louder now, trying to rise above the sound of the engine. "That's exactly why you need to come to the party. It will be the last time you get to party with all your friends."

"The only friends I care about are you and Jake," I told her as I pulled out of the parking lot. "You're the only ones that are important to me."

"Well, this is important to me," she said. "You can have dinner with your parents anytime."

She had a point. She always did. I looked at her and smiled as I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore the excitement that was bouncing off her in the small cab of my truck.

"Fine," I conceded. "Let me talk to my mom."

~x~

Strong arms held me. I could feel the cool breath of comfort…of peace and passion and reassurance surrounding me.

It was lulling me back.

It was holding me down.

All at the same time.

I think I whispered his name.

It was safety and togetherness. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced in so long that my body scarcely recognized the sensation. But I knew that it was there. Knew – beyond any shadow of ever-present doubt – that he was there.

Holding me.

Touching me.

Kissing me and keeping me safe.

Safe enough to stay in the space of my unconscious mind where I never allowed myself to go. Safe enough to remember the love and the pain...and the darkness and solitude that followed.

~x~

"Isabella Marie Swan," my mother said. Disappointment filled her voice and I had to look down just to avoid seeing that sound reflected in her eyes. "Your father has been waiting for this night for so long. He is so proud of you. So proud…and all he wants is to take you out and celebrate your success. Your milestone."

"But, Mom," I whined petulantly. "All of my friends are going to be there. And we can go to dinner any time to celebrate graduation."

"Jacob won't be there," she said, knowing full-well that I only had two real friends. She always knew everything. "Billy told your Dad that he and Jake were going to come over after we got back from dinner."

I rolled my eyes and silently wondered why I was putting up such a fight for this anyway. I wanted to celebrate with my family. I wanted to go to dinner at the lodge with my Dad and see the look of pride on his face as he told his friends about me. It would be the same look he had the day I got the letter. It would make him so happy. And I wanted to see Jacob. I would miss him so much when I was away and I knew that my leaving was going to be tough on him. Probably more than Alice. Probably more than anyone.

But Alice wanted me there.

And I would miss her so much.

And while I got to go and do and see new things…she would have to stay.

"Jacob will have his own graduation party when he graduates next year," I said. "And I'll be home from school by then and I will celebrate with him."

"Hey, hey, hey…" the familiar and warming voice filled the room. I looked up to see his warm brown eyes – a reflection of my own eyes – crinkled and smiling just like his lips that were hidden beneath his mustache. "What's with the long face, Bells?"

He always called me that. He had always called me that. Well, Jacob called me that, too. But I secretly always thought he did it because Charlie did. And he knew how much I loved it.

"Go ahead, Bella," my mother interjected. "Tell your father what you want."

"You never want anything," he chided me. "What could you possibly want that you don't have?"

~x~

And even in my sleep, my mind knew. My mind knew that I did have everything then. Everything I could have ever asked or hoped for.

Everything.

And the strong arms pulled me closer.

The strong arms held me tighter.

And I was still safe.

Still connected.

To someone.

To him.

And for then – in that moment – it was enough.

~x~

"You really want to go to this party, Bells?" he asked. His face was soft and he fidgeted with the loose string hanging from the patch on his uniform. It was gold and contrasted so brightly to the black that surrounded it. "You're sure you don't want to come to the lodge with me and your mother? We won't have many more nights like this with you."

I looked at his patch and then to his badge. It never really struck me more than it did then, that my father was a protector. I guess I had always taken it for granted because I had always felt so protected.

So safe.

But he protected everyone. Not just me and my mom. He protected all of the people in this sleepy little town where nothing ever happened. And then I thought, fleetingly, that maybe nothing ever happened because Charlie was so careful…so strong…and so sure in his quiet determination.

"I'm sure, Dad," I told him, biting my lip and looking up into his eyes. "I'm going to miss my friends. Alice."

His face softened even more. He would never admit it out loud, but we all knew he had a soft spot in his heart for her. He had been called on too many nights to her house for some domestic disturbance. He had been so relieved when her father had finally left town for good. Things got so much better for them after that. Even if money was a little tight once he left.

"Well, we are going to miss our little girl…but if you really want to go…"

My heartbeat raced and I was excited.

He was going to let me.

I knew that he would let me go.

"If this is your decision, who am I to stop you?" he asked, smiling again. "After all. It's hard to question someone who is so smart that she got accepted into Dartmouth. You don't get that kind of recognition and opportunity without making the right decisions. And you're sure this is the right decision?"

His face looked serious, but I could still see the smile behind his eyes.

"Yes," I nodded enthusiastically. "I think this is the right decision, dad."

He looked to my mother who was shaking her head, but smiling, too. And I felt a million different things. Embarrassment, happiness, anxiousness…

"Well, then," he said, "I think that we will just have to go to the lodge to celebrate another night then. We still have the whole summer to celebrate with our beautiful, bright, intelligent daughter."

My heart swelled at his praise. He was a man of so few words, so when he chose to use them to lift me up like that; I could barely contain my own pride.

I rushed up, excited to run upstairs and call Alice. She would have to help me pick out my outfit for the party. As I rounded the corner, I could hear their laughter, but then I heard his voice calling to me.

"Bells?"

I stopped, rolling my eyes as I turned back around and stood in the doorway.

"You know that we really think that, don't you?"

"What?"

"That you're beautiful and smart," he said. "And we are so, so proud of you, baby."

I blushed and shifted from foot to foot, uncomfortable with so much attention.

"I know, Dad."

"Good."

"May I please go upstairs now?"

I looked to my mom for help, but she was smiling and looking at me the same way he was.

"Yeah…go on."

I ran up the stairs, ignoring him as he called out to me again. I'm pretty sure he told me that they loved me…

~x~

The pain was too much.

It was so much that I couldn't breathe.

I felt suffocated and scared.

I could feel my own body writhe…I could hear my own voice whimper.

It was the same.

It was always the same.

But it was different.

There was so much about it that was different this time.

I wasn't alone.

The arms were still there.

They were still holding me.

They were still comforting me.

I needed to wake up. I couldn't go back to that place. I fought with myself, but my eyes were so heavy and my body was so tired. And the arms were so strong and binding.

Still holding…

Still rocking…

Still stroking…

And the voice – his voice – was in my ear. Cool and soothing and breath moving against my hair and neck with his words. I pressed closer to the source – the calming source that made it okay.

He was still there.

He was still there…and everything was okay.

Sleep and dreams continued to consume me.

~x~

"Where's Mom?"

"She's getting her hair done," he chuckled. "You would think that she was the one graduating instead of you. I'm going to go pick her up in a minute."

"You don't want to ride with us, Bells?" my dad asked as I took my cap and gown from the closet. He was still in his uniform from working the overnight, but I knew Mom had put his new suit on the bed. "Alice could ride with us, too."

"Umm…no…that's okay," I stammered. "Alice wants us to ride together and we are going to head down to La Push to pick up Jake first."

"Yeah," he nodded. "I know. I spoke to Billy earlier and he told me that he wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be able to make it."

"Yeah, so…I have to get going," I said, brushing past him. "I'll see you and Mom at the ceremony."

"Okay…and Bells…be careful."

I turned around and smiled and then nodded.

"I always am."

~x~

"I still think it's bullshit that Jessica Stanley is the valedictorian," Alice said as she straightened out the imaginary creases in my gown. "You have the same GPA as her."

"Yeah, but she was more "involved" than I was," I said. "Besides, I would be way too nervous to make a speech in front of all these people anyway."

"I think your speech would have been great," Jake murmured behind me. I turned around to face him, blushing. "You look beautiful, Bells."

He brushed my hair out of my face, his hand lingering on my neck a little longer than normal.

"Thank you, Jake."

~x~

"Where are they?" I asked Alice. "I don't see them."

Something felt off…wrong. And I couldn't figure out what it was. It was a knot in my stomach that wouldn't go away. I took in a deep breath trying to shake off my anxiety.

"I'm sure they're here, Bella," she reassured me. "There are like a million people here. Or a hundred. It is Forks, after all."

I scanned the gym and still didn't see them, but I was sure she was right.

They were there.

They had to be there.

~x~

"Alice Brandon."

I clapped as I watched my best friend accept her diploma on the podium. I waited and watched…forcing myself not to look for them in the crowd anymore. My name would be called soon enough.

And then I would know.

I would know where they were because my parents would cheer louder than everyone in the gym because they were so proud.

I would hear their voices.

I would see them smiling.

And maybe even crying a little.

But I would hear…and I would know.

And everything would be okay.

Okay…

"Isabella Swan."

There was cheering…but not theirs.

There was smiling…but not theirs.

And I walked numbly, not fully understanding what was going on…but knowing something was wrong.

And every step felt like an eternity as my legs shook and my heart pounded.

I could see Alice in front, her diploma tucked under her arm while her hands clapped enthusiastically. And I could see Jake to the side and his face looked like I felt.

Stricken.

Confused.

And standing all alone.

Alone…

~x~

I couldn't stay there anymore.

I needed to open my eyes.

It was too much – the pain – it was always too much. And I couldn't take it.

Open your eyes…

But it was in vain.

All of it in vain.

The arms were still holding me…still keeping me.

His arms were still there.

And I was still so tired. Collapsed and broken, but he was holding me together.

Open your eyes…

I could feel him around me – cold and strong and molded to my body.

Whispering.

Touching.

Kissing.

Holding.

His arms and hands were safe and secure. And I was so scared that he would disappear.

Just like them.

Because no one ever stayed.

Ever.

Not ever.

Not when I needed them.

Why did I need him?

Why was he so much…so right…so everything all at once?

Please.

I tried to beg him to stay, but I couldn't find my voice.

Wake me up.

Please.

Please, please, please…wake me up.

Wake me up and take me again.

Wake me up and make me feel like I'll be okay.

You make everything okay.

Fill me…

Fuck me…

Make me forget.

Because when you are inside me, I don't remember anything.

I only know how you feel.

How you taste.

How your breath fills my lungs.

How you swallow my cries – that for the first time – are cries of something other than pain. Other than loss. Other than desperate loneliness and constant fucking grieving.

You are fierce.

You are passion.

You are fire and ice.

It's reflected in your eyes.

It's on your lips.

It drips from your tongue.

It's in your hands.

Your strong fucking hands that are still here. Still holding me. Still telling me that it's okay to rest. That I'm not alone…even though I've been alone for so long.

Still…

He was still there.

For the moment…he was still there.

"Don't go. Please…please…Edward…"

I thought I heard my voice.

I thought I heard him, too.

But still…I slept.

And still…I dreamed.

~x~

"Bella," Sam Uley said my name.

He was standing off to the side of Jacob, who instinctively reached for my hand. It was warm and so big. It surrounded my flesh and bones and even though it should have been comforting, it wasn't.

Sam was wearing his deputy uniform. His was new and crisp – not like my dad's at all. There was no gold thread hanging from his patch and the black was really black.

Like death.

I fought the urge to vomit while Jacob held my hand tighter.

"Bella, there's been an accident."

"Where are they?" I asked. "Are they okay? Please, take me to the hospital."

He looked at me and said nothing. His eyes were soft and dark and full of emotions that I didn't understand. Emotions that I didn't want to understand.

But I knew I did.

I understood.

Even then.

"Jake?"

I looked up into his eyes and they were the same. The same as Sam's. The same darkness. The same sadness. And they were wet. His eyes were wet with tears that I should have been crying. Only I didn't really know that I should be crying because no one was saying the words that needed to be said.

No one was telling me.

They were all just staring and looking and waiting…

Why the fuck were they all waiting?

"Bells," Jake said. "Everything's going to be okay."

"Take me to them, Jake," I whispered. My voice was shaking like my body. "You drive. Please…you can drive my truck."

"Bella…"

He said my name. He said my whole name and he NEVER said my whole name. Everything was wrong. Everything was wrong and I couldn't understand why or how. I couldn't begin to understand what was happening.

Except that I did.

I understood.

I knew.

Even then.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. And he was crying. He was crying and I should have been crying. But I couldn't cry because no one was actually saying the words. "Bella…they're gone."

Gone…

No.

Gone…

No.

Gone…

No, no, no…

"Gone?" I asked, but I knew. I already knew. I knew when I felt the knot in my belly that wouldn't go away. Something was wrong. But not this. It couldn't have been this. "What do you mean?"

"The road was slick with rain," Sam said.

It rains here all the time.

"They never saw the van coming."

Careful.

Charlie told me to be careful.

Charlie was ALWAYS careful.

Careful with me.

Careful with my mom.

Careful with Billy and Jacob and Alice.

Careful with each and everything that he did…every person that he knew.

He was the most careful person I knew.

This couldn't have happened.

It couldn't.

"Bella…they died."

And the knot was a hole. A gaping, ripped open hole that was bleeding my loss. A hole where my organs used to be. And it never stopped. The pain and the ache never stopped even though my heart kept beating.

And why did my heart get to beat when theirs didn't?

Why didn't I go with them?

The road would have been different if I had gone with them. We would have gone to La Push. We would have been together. Everything would have been different and they would have still been here.

And I wouldn't be alone.

Alone.

I was so fucking alone.

~x~

Strong arms were still there and I wasn't alone.

Whispered words and gentle affection.

He was there.

Edward.

Edward was still there and he was still holding me. But the ache was still there and the pain was still raw. And through all of it – I could feel him holding me. Keeping me. Did he really want to keep me?

Could he?

Did he?

Would he?

All I could do was beg. I couldn't open my eyes, but my voice suspended somewhere between wakefulness and sleep pleaded with him to stay.

"Don't go. Please, just…don't…don't go."

No one ever stayed.

They always left.

And I was always…always alone.

I needed to open my eyes.

I couldn't stay there anymore.

The dreams were too hard…the memories too painful.

I willed my eyes to open.

Please, open…please.

Please…

And I still couldn't see. It was just dark. It was so fucking dark…but I could still feel him. He was still there.

Please, Edward.

Don't go.

Please, don't go.

Stay with me.

Just stay.

Please, always stay.

"Don't go. Please, just…don't…don't go."

And then I heard his voice.

Soft and velvet and soothing in its reassurance.

"Never," he whispered. He promised. "Never, never, never, Bella. I could never leave. Not now. Not after…"

~x~

Flowers and condolences and covered dishes that I was too sick to eat surrounded me.

Arrangements needed to be made. I didn't know how to make arrangements, but Jacob helped. Jacob helped and held my hand as we made our way to the gravesite.

On the thirteenth of June, I wore a black dress that was too big because I wasn't capable of going to the store to try it on. I stood there in soft fabric that draped over my sallow flesh and sagging bones.

Unable to cry.

Unable to breathe.

And I buried my parents.

~x~

"What do you mean the house in is foreclosure?" I asked. "I don't understand. The house is paid for. They owned it. It was my grandfather's."

"Your parents," Mrs. Stanley said calmly. Too calmly. "They took out a second mortgage to pay for your tuition to Dartmouth."

"What do I need to do?"

"The mortgage has to be paid, dear. Or the bank will take the house."

Words. They were just words. Words I didn't understand.

Not then.

Not yet.

"What about the life insurance?"

"It covered the funerals and there was a little bit left," she said, offering me a Kleenex. I didn't even know that I was crying. And I hated myself for not being strong enough to not cry in front of her. "But it's not enough."

~x~

"What can I do for you?" the big hulking man asked as I entered the bar. "You look like you're lost."

"I need a job."

The bar was dark, but clean. It smelled of smoke and stale beer.

"How old are you?"

"Eighteen."

"Aren't you…?" he started. "Aren't you that girl? Chief Swan's daughter?"

I cringed and hugged myself tightly.

I could do it.

I could say it.

They were only words and he didn't really know me.

He didn't understand that my heart shattered a little more every time I had to speak or hear his name.

"Yes…Charlie Swan was my father."

His eyes softened and so did his smile. His dimples still remained and I wondered what he would say.

He had to say yes.

There was no other choice.

"You father was a good man."

"Yes," I choked out. "He was."

"When can you start?"

~x~

I was only eighteen.

My life should have been just beginning.

But it wasn't.

It didn't.

It never ever fucking did.

Until…

~x~

His voice pulled me my sleep.

Thankfully.

Graciously.

I gasped loudly, unable to still find breath. He was there. He was still fucking there. And he pulled me to him, placed me in his lap. And I could only get out choking sobs and broken words, pleading for him to stay…thankful that he was still there.

And then he asked what made me cry. He wanted to know what made me sad. He asked about the room. He asked about the cemetery. And I couldn't speak. I was completely unable to relive the pain again.

Not then.

Not while everything was still so fresh in my mind.

But he pushed.

He pushed and he pushed and he pushed.

And he was afraid that there was someone else. Another man. Because how could he know that there had never been anyone but him? Not Jacob…not anyone.

And it was with a sob that I finally let it all out. I knew I wasn't making sense…not even to myself. But he listened – he listened and he held me and he let me cry my tears onto his shoulder. And the same arms that held me all night – the same arms that allowed me to feel safe in this space – were still there.

Still comforting.

Still so strong and unmoving.

And still fucking there.

He was still there.

He told me he felt complete – that I made him feel complete. And it was in that moment that I knew. It was him. I had been waiting for him.

"And I was dead inside, too," I cried. "All these years…missing them…wishing that I…wishing that I'd had a chance to say goodbye. To tell them that I loved them…but I fucking couldn't. I couldn't…and I stayed and there is nothing but loss and it's all around me! It's everywhere I look! They are everywhere I turn. And as much as I hate it…I need it. It's the only thing I have left. And I'm so alone, Edward. I've been so fucking alone….until…"

Was he ready for that kind of declaration? I was so scared that if I continued to speak, it would be too much. That this would all be too much and he would realize that I wasn't worth all of this.

He was supernatural.

He was beautiful.

He could leave and do and be whatever he wanted.

But I couldn't.

I never could.

"Until what?" he asked. "Until what, Bella?"

And for once in my life, I found the strength to say what I needed to say.

"Until you."

His lips covered mine in a kiss, and in it I found everything I never hoped to ask for. He was passion and pain and beauty and hope. He made me hope…for the first time in so long. And he kissed me long and deep and so fucking hard that it hurt. And I didn't care because I could feel it. I could feel him and the pain was nothing...but his kiss was everything.

He was everything.

"Please," he said, pulling away from me too soon. "Please…come with me. Let me…let me…let me take you away from this place…this pain. You don't have to be alone anymore. We can be together, Bella. We can be together…because…because…"

His words were too much and when I looked in his eyes…I saw that they were true. He was telling me the truth. And I felt my tears stream down and for once it wasn't just about pain and loss and fucking regret.

"Because I love you."

And I sat there stunned and overwhelmed at his declaration, unable to believe that it was true.

"You…you do?"

"So much that I don't have words to articulate it."

So much…

And I spoke without thinking, but every inch of my body knew it was the truth.

"I love you, too, Edward…I do," I cried. "I love you and I don't care about anything else. I only know that you stayed and you held me. All night long, you held me. And I felt it…felt you. And it was so much…it was…it was everything. You are everything."

It was crazy and impulsive and even though all of it was too fast and none of it made sense…it all made sense to me.

He made sense to me.

It was him.

"You love me…you love me…you love me…" he murmured over and over again until I was dizzy with the sound of his voice and the intensity of the moment.

"Please," I whispered, pushing the blanket down that covered me and separated us.

I needed to feel all of him again and it didn't matter that he was cold because he was the only warmth that ever truly broke through. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I could feel my breasts press against his hard chest, could hear the sharp intake of his breath that I wasn't even sure he needed.

Please," I whispered again. "Please…take me away from here. Take me somewhere else. Somewhere different. Please…please…please…just take me."

~x~

"Get dressed."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are always love.

Please leave me some.

Thank you to my beta and ficwife, Marvar, who is covered in Kleenex and playing nurse to her sick family. Thank you for loving me…even when the emo talks more than the funny. ILYSFM

Thank you to my prereaders. Caren (Nerac), ltlerthqak and raina. I love you all. I'm sorry I made you cry.

As always, I do not own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.