Hi! Missed you.
Thank you to ShearEnvy for being fantastic, and to ilsuocantante and stephk0525 for their sighs and eeps and for tearing up when I'm sitting there praying they will. :)
Thank you to shickle1970 for her honesty, kindness and for holding my hand when she can tell I need a good, hard, hand-holding. Hee.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
"That's what you're wearing?"
I smooth my hair down once more and meet Rose's eyes in the mirror. She's sitting on my bed, one eyebrow raised, her gaze sweeping my body. The look on her face is one I don't see there often.
I tug my skirt down a little, shrugging. "Yeah, why?" We stare each other down for a second before her phone buzzes and she looks down, smiling when she sees the name on the screen.
Looking back at my reflection, I pick up my drink from the vanity and swallow my jealousy down with vodka. I can't be jealous of someone else's happiness.
Especially hers.
She answers Emmett's call as I slide on knee-high boots that will help to balance out the small surface area of skin that my skirt covers. They aren't heels or anything, so I don't look too much like a hooker...I think. I can feel her watching me so I walk into the bathroom to check my reflection again, minus the judgment.
I can tell she doesn't want to come to this party, but I'm nervous to go alone, even though people I know will be there. Well, not know, like in a real sense. They're just school friends, people that I see for an hour or two a few times a week. They don't really know me.
My stomach starts to register my nervousness. Maybe I shouldn't have invited Rose, or maybe I shouldn't go at all. Jane seems really cool, though, and it might be nice to have a connection with people outside of my immediate circle.
It's just a stupid fucking party. You've gone to a thousand stupid fucking parties. It's going to be fine.
I see Rose standing in the doorway with her arms crossed, studying me. She moves behind me, her arms around my waist and her chin resting on my shoulder like she knows what I'm thinking.
"Nervous?" she asks my reflection, and I lay my arms over hers, sighing.
"A little," I admit. I stare at her for a second. "I'm not trying to look slutty or anything, I just…"
She scoffs, shaking her head. "I didn't mean it like that. I just think you're forgetting what drunk guys are like - drunk guys that don't know that Edward would kill them if they touched you."
I reach forward and grab my drink, bringing it to my lips again. Sometimes I don't want to talk about him. She sees that, I think, because she changes the subject.
"Emmett and Jasper want to come meet up with us there later." I nod and smile, and she reaches her hand for my cocktail, sipping at it over my shoulder. "I can't believe it's your second semester and this is the first college party we're going to. It'll be just like old times, except instead of Mike Newton's mansion, it'll be in a dirty frat house," she says, laughing at the way my face falls.
I've walked past those places on campus. Every single one of them seems to have a saggy couch on the porch and a plethora of cigarette butts stomped out in the yard. I can only imagine what the bathrooms look like.
"Oh you'll be fine, Princess," she says, smiling slowly. It's the smile that she knows I can't help responding in kind to- mischievous and just for me. "If there's anything you and I know, Bella, it's parties. Parties, we can do." She turns around and starts dancing next to me, shaking her ass in the mirror and looking back over her shoulder to grin at my reflection.
I can't help but laugh, and by the time we get to the house my anxiety has evened out into excitement.
"They'd better have whiskey," she says over her shoulder as she stalks up the stairs confidently, walking through the front door and immediately locating the makeshift bar. We sift through the random mix of bottles until finding Jack and Coke and mixing it in plastic cups.
"Bella!" Jane yells, pushing through the growing crowd to get to me. She hugs me hard, and I can tell she's already well on her way to being drunk. She turns to Rose, hugging her in the same way she hugged me, even though I haven't introduced them yet. Rose raises an eyebrow at me over Jane's shoulder.
One of the reasons I like Jane is that she's perpetually smiling. She was one of the first people to really try to engage me at this school, and she knows everyone, or at least everyone in this crowd.
I make the introductions and Jane points out some people around the party to us. The room is mostly made up of jock-y looking dudes and pretty girls. Rose was right. Except for the setting, this is very familiar.
We do shots of the jack before following Jane into the kitchen, where bulky guys flank the keg, looking us up and down from under the brims of their white baseball caps. Of course, Rose sees someone she knows, so I'm left standing with Jane who is flirting with the entire group of guys.
"What's your name?" one of them asks, his eyes on my lips. I feel a twinge of recognition, and then disgust because this guy is nothing like him, and neither is this situation.
"Bella," I say, trying to ride the line between friendly and standoffish.
"Wanna dance, Bella?" He doesn't look like they type that likes to dance.
"I have a boyfriend."
He looks behind me and around the kitchen. "So what? Is he here?"
Jane jumps into the conversation. "I didn't know you had a boyfriend! Where is he?" She's definitely drunk now, her voice loud even in the crowded kitchen.
I pause for a second, looking around at all the people waiting for my answer, and decide to just tell the truth. "Prison," I say loudly, taking a sip of my drink.
Jane busts out into laughter, pressing one hand against the guy who was trying to talk to me and one against my arm. "Oh my god, you're so funny, Bella! Don't you just love her?" she asks him and he nods, still letting his eyes rove over me.
In that moment I long for a ring on my finger, or some tangible symbol of him. My hands find his dog tags through my shirt, but I don't pull them out.
"No, really, though, I'd love to meet him," she says. "Where does he live?" Again I feel the eyes of all these people on me waiting for me to answer.
The lie comes out of my mouth before the thought is complete. I lie the lie so well that I can see them accept it, the girls faces overcome with pity and the guys with respect. "He's in the service. Overseas."
We toast to the safety of the troops, and as my eyes span the group they land on Rose. Her face is blank as she stares at me, raising her glass and mouthing "for the troops" at me before turning around.
I don't see her again until Emmett and Jasper show up. I'm pretty drunk at this point, sitting on a counter in the kitchen surrounded by people whose names I can't remember, but who are my new best friends. Emmett waves to me from the doorway, and clearly Rose didn't tell him what I did yet, because there's no judgment behind his expression. Jasper edges his way through the crowd, and something about his familiarity and his easy smile makes me want to burst into tears.
"Hey Jasper," I say, noting the slurring of my words but unable to control it. He's got a drink in his hand, and stands in front of me, trying to maintain personal space in the crowded kitchen. It's the closest I've been to him in a very long time, as we maintain almost comically obvious physical distance whenever we see each other... for our comfort and for Alice's.
"Where's Alice?" I ask over the chatter in the room, and he shakes his head. He can't hear me. I lean forward and brace myself on his shoulder, speaking into his ear and asking the question again.
He smells impossibly the same.
"Home with Claire," he says stiffly, and helps me sit back upright. I see him glance down at my legs, and I follow his gaze, pressing my knees together when I see how I'm sitting and that everyone in the room can probably see my underwear.
"Gotta get out of here," I say drunkenly, and he nods, putting his drink down to grab my waist and help me get my feet on the floor. I don't even bother looking for Jane. She disappeared with the guy that was trying to dance with me earlier. The whole house is packed now; even the skanky porch couch is draped with laughing people. Jasper drains his cup as we walk away from the house, dropping it in a garbage can at the end of a driveway.
"Should we wait for Rose and Em?" he asks, glancing back behind us. I just shake my head. He doesn't push me for a reason.
When we get to his truck he pauses. "Can we just sit for a minute? We went to a party before this one and I think I need to sober up a little before I drive."
I nod as he flips the back of the truck bed down and we hop up to sit on it, our feet dangling.
"Everything okay with you?" he asks. We don't really talk like this. Like, for real. Most of the time we're around Alice and the baby or Rose and Emmett. With Alice, who I really like, there are still boundaries. There always will be, I suppose. I'll never be able to have the bond with her that she has with Rose because of my past relationship with Jasper. I think the limits on my friendship with him will be similar.
But here we are just the two of us, and he's asking me a real question.
"I don't know. Sometimes," I answer honestly. "I think I'm just lonely."
He's quiet, and after a minute I look over at him. "What?" I ask, slightly annoyed.
"That's just really sad," he says. "I mean, this is college, and we're supposed to be having the time of our lives."
"Aren't you?" I ask, and I mean it sincerely. He seems genuinely happy.
He smiles. "It's just different than I thought it would be. I thought I'd be going pro and partying all the time and shit…not that I'm complaining. My parents, on the other hand…"
We laugh, because I know how his parents must have reacted to the pregnancy and his choice to stay here. His dad was the quintessential former jock who wanted nothing more than to see his son accomplish what he couldn't. I used to think all of those things made Jasper typical, and maybe they did, but I wonder how I missed the part of him that would stick by Alice and give up his chance for glory on the football field.
I also wonder if he would have done the same thing for me, not that it matters at this point.
"What about your parents?" he asks, and I know he's asking about how they dealt with Edward.
"It's all good. I mean, I don't know if they're happy about it, per se, but…you know my dad was his attorney and everything."
I catch Jasper's frown before he can hide it. "Yeah, I heard that."
A couple walks up the sidewalk and for a second I think it's Rose and Emmett, but it's not.
"I lied tonight," I say after they pass us.
Jasper turns his head to look at me. "About what?"
It takes me a minute to say it. "I told a bunch of people that Edward was in the service and that's why he's not around."
"Why?" he asks, and I can't look at him now that I've admitted it, so I stare at the ground in front of us.
"I don't know."
And that's not a lie.
When he drops me off, I can see that a light's still on in the living room, so he lets me out at the curb. I lean against the door when I close the it, watching his profile for a second.
"I'm sorry for everything," I say, and hope he knows what I mean.
He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, his eyes closed. "So am I," he says, putting the truck back into gear and turning to smile sadly at me. I back away from the truck and watch him drive away, back to his girls and his new life.
I'm just waiting for my new life to start.
Rose doesn't call me for a few days, but I don't call her either. I don't hear from Emmett, Jasper or Alice either, so I suppose everyone knows about the lie now and it makes me feel toxic…repellant.
Despite the fact that I'm in college and pretty much free to do whatever I want, there is a weird sameness between this year and the last. I wake up every day in the same room that I've always woken up in. I go to school on a different campus, but end up associating with the same type of people that I always associated with when I was in high school.
Everyone around me is moving on, but I'm static, standing still.
Only one picture hangs on my mirror now. It's one I tried to send to Edward, but he sent it back in his next letter with no explanation. It's the two of us at the coffee shop, his face uncharacteristically unguarded in its happiness, smiling at me while I grin at the camera. Every morning I stare at it while I get ready and wonder if we'll ever be able to get back there.
I see Jane in class on Wednesday and she gushes about the party and the guy, Peter, that she ended up hooking up with that night.
"Oh my god he was so sweet, Bella. He let me stay in his room and bought me breakfast the next morning. I think I'm in love," she says, bringing her hand to her chest dramatically.
She laughs when I eye her skeptically. "I'm kidding!" Her shoulder bumps mine and I try to remember what lighthearted feels like, looking at this girl who embodies it. I decide to really try to fit in, not just in a superficial way, but to let my life begin for real. Because isn't this real life?
"What are we doing this weekend?" I ask and listen, smiling, while she plans out the next few days for me.
"How are you?" His voice is distant and strained, but I can't tell if it's the connection or him. The line crackles.
"I'm okay," I say and then silence stretches out thin between us, barely blanketing the million things I want to ask and tell him. "How are you?"
"Alright," he says quietly.
My eyes search the room in front of me, trying to think of something to talk about. "School is going well. I'm getting good grades and whatever, so my dad's happy…I'm happy."
I cringe at my last words.
"That's-"
"I mean-"
We talk over one another and then both stop, waiting for the other to continue. I want to cry.
I start. "I mean I'm not happy, I'm just glad that I'm doing well in school."
"You're not happy?" he asks. His voice sounds close, like it used to when we would talk late at night, his cheek pressed against his pillow.
"I don't know. No? Should I be?" I ask, taking a slow breath.
"I want you to be," he answers.
"Why did you send my picture back?" I ask, and he pauses. I'm about to qualify the statement, because it was months ago now, but he responds before I can.
"There are people here…I can't have that," he says cryptically. My eyes water because I don't know what that means, and he probably can't tell me.
"Okay?"
"Bella, I can't really tell you what things are like here. I could, but it wouldn't really explain it. Know what I mean?"
"Yeah, I get it."
He sighs, his frustration tangible. "Are you mad at me or something?"
"No, why would I be mad?" Even as I say that, though, I can feel this block between us. It might be anger, or it might be something else.
"I just feel…disconnected from you."
Disconnected? The laugh comes out before I can stop it and I freeze, breathing shallow. I hear him shift, and his voice comes quieter but closer than before, like he's pressed into a corner.
"If you've got something to say, just say it."
And then I close my eyes and imagine his face, his arms and his chest and the way he looked that last night. And then I remember the last time I saw him, how he was thinner, more toned and more handsome than he was before.
"I miss you." It comes out hoarse and desperate and I so very much wish I didn't mean it like I mean it, but I do.
He exhales slowly, and I swear I can hear him grind his teeth against the hurt. "I miss you more."
I hope he can't hear my tears, because I try to keep it out of my voice, but they're there through the few words we get in before he has to hang up.
"I love you."
"I love you, too, baby," he whispers, and the line goes dead.
I hold my silent phone to my ear until I fall asleep.
I'm not exactly sure how I end up kissing Jane, but I know it's fueled by massive amounts of alcohol and sexual adrenaline - the need to be touched and kissed and loved, the alcohol providing the filter that lets me feel like there's true affection there.
If anyone knows better, it's me, but I relish in it for the moment...along with the chanting of the guys around us, and the feel of her lips on mine as her hands move around my waist and up my back.
When I pull back she looks at the jocks around us for approval and it's lost.
I'm lost.
In that moment I realize none of that was for me. I knew that, though. That sort of thing is never for the enjoyment of the participant. It's for the voyeurs. From the way they move to shift themselves in their pants and sidle up next to me and Jane, who is loving the attention, it was a success in the way that it's supposed to be.
I'm so fucked up.
I slip out the back door and call Rose, who doesn't answer. Neither does Emmett, or Alice, or Jasper, probably because it's three in the morning on a Tuesday night.
I take a cab back to my house, back to my childhood room, and curl up into a bed that should feel familiar and comfortable, but I feel none of that. All I feel is a self-loathing that I thought I'd left behind a long time ago.
Edward,
Sam called me yesterday to tell me that they were washing the trains last night. By the time I got down there my car was done, but I still knew which one it was because they don't wash clean. The outline is faint, and the colors bled, but it's still there. Sam said it never will completely disappear, but that it will get painted over eventually, and it will get washed again and again until you can only see little glimpses of the paint you used. I cried when he told me that, because I'm afraid that's what will happen to us. Like after this we'll be some watered down version of what we were, and I'll cling to that, pretending that it's the same as it always was.
Honestly, when you left I thought it would be easier not to feel anything for for this year. I wanted to sleep through it so when you come back I will be the same person as when you left. I thought maybe I could avoid feeling hurt and bitter. But I don't think that will work, because no matter what, I had to go through this. I need to feel all this shit, and some days I can pretend, but not today. Today I feel alone and afraid to make a move, because I'm so terrified I'll change too much and when you get out I'll be so different that you won't love me anymore.
I always thought I was independent but now that everyone around me is changing, I get that I'm not. I've been keeping everyone in roles that I'm comfortable with. I need Rose to be fucked up, because it makes me feel less fucked up. I need my parents to be distant and cold so I can indulge my sad, little, rich girl bullshit without feeling guilty. I need Jasper to be an asshole so I can justify the choices I've made.
I needed you to be bad and wrong for me, because that let me feel like a rebel. It made me feel alive.
This doesn't feel like living anymore, though, does it? So, if it's okay, I'm going to tell you what I really need now. Please tell me it's okay for me to do great things, and have good days, and to really smile. Tell me it's okay for me to fuck up and cry and heal and become stronger because of it. Because I knew I would be lost without you, but I feel like I'm really fallling apart.
I love you,
Bella
This likely won't matter much, but I'm changing up the chapter names. I originally intended each one to be a different paint color, hence the title Icy Grape. This particular Krylon brand paint was discontinued and like anything discontinued, became a hot commodity.
Other than that, I just want to thank you for sticking with me (if you so choose to), because I know reading a WIP through the rough parts can be a total mofo. Thank you for reading. I appreciate all of you very much, and if I could, I would have you all over for Jack and Coke and chicken wangs.
Shit, maybe I will.
xoxo