Equinox

Spring: Chapter 2

Rain began to patter against the roof. It was late afternoon. Tobirama's car still sat outside. The lilies sat on the kitchen counter, condensation dotting the outside of the glass. A ring of cool water pooled under the vase. Thunder rumbled not too far off in the distance.

Tobirama's feet stuck out past the bottom of the comforter.

"Your bed is too small," he remarked.

"You're too tall," Sakura replied. She turned onto her side, her back to him. He snorted, stretching his arms above his head. His hand knocked against the blinds, making them rattle against each other. He twisted around to look out the window. The pane blurred as water trickled down the outside.

Sakura stared at the wall, hand under her cheek. She listened to Tobirama grunt as he settled down, feet dangling over the edge of the mattress.

"So… can we talk about what happened?" asked Tobirama, staring up at the ceiling.

"You really wanna do this now?" she inquired.

"Yeah."

She didn't say anything. Even though she could feel him looking at her. Waiting for her response. The water heater rumbled to life. The thunder boomed a little louder. Like the sounds were trying to make up for her silence.

"I'm…" Sakura stopped, breathing out through her nostrils. She curled her arm over her head, hand dangling in front of her face.

Sakura closed her eyes. "It just… it sucks that none of this is real."

"What do you mean?" His voice was suddenly right above her. The mattress wobbled. Her eyes opened. Tobirama was sitting up, leaning over her. His silver necklace dangled from his throat.

She was always surprised by how handsome he was. Long eyelashes. Even the curve of his throat meeting his shoulders was perfect. Like someone had carved a statue just for her and breathed life into it. The cruelty of his beauty astounded her.

"What do you mean it's not real? This is. I promise," he murmured. That shy smile parting his lips as he looked at her. He lifted her arm off her head, raising her hand to his lips. He kissed the back of it.

"This is real, Sakura. I love you," Tobirama said.

The haze returned. Filling her lungs, her eyes, seeping into her skin. It engulfed her like a fog. She could still see the world and she knew what was happening. That didn't stop everything from blurring together until she couldn't see where the sky met the earth. And her eyes were filled with Tobirama. He anchored her to the ground. Fingers lacing between hers. His voice snaking its way between her ribs, curling around her heart.

"What can I do to prove that to you, Sakura?" he asked.

Sakura turned on her back to look up at him. She pulled free from his grasp. Used that hand to touch his cheek. Stroking the skin so soft that he didn't even feel real anymore.

"You can't," she told him, "But kiss me anyway."

By the time Sakura got out of bed, it was already dark. The sun had set and taken the worst of the rain with it. It sprinkled on and off, like the clouds couldn't make up their mind about what to do next. She sympathized.

She dumped some leftovers out of the container and turned on the gas burner. And then she leaned against the counter as she waited for her pumpkin curry to warm. She watched tiny bubbles form on the edges of the coconut milk broth. The heat carried the fragrance up softly at first. Then in waves of spice.

Sakura's thoughts felt scattered. Gathering them up felt like trying to hold on to sand. Things spilling left and right. It didn't feel like… her. Because she was always cool, free-spirited. This wasn't how she wanted things to go.

Male sirens were rare. They would probably be considered endangered if there was someone keeping track of that sort of thing. The low birth rates of sirens in general was probably part of it. Unions between sirens and humans seemed to have no trouble producing half-blood sons. But a pureblood mother and father were seldom able to give birth to a son. Some whispered that it was a curse. Others blamed pollution in the air. Pesticides in the food. But no one had a real answer.

Maybe that was why male sirens, somewhere down the evolutionary line, had developed a unique trait. Just as female sirens were irresistible to the average male, male sirens were designed to be irresistible to female sirens. Sakura had grown up knowing this. She'd read it in all the books, heard it in all of the stories and songs. She had never expected to be one of the fools unfortunate enough to cross paths with one though.

"I wanted to sleep some more. But that smells amazing," Tobirama murmured, wrapping his arms around her. He wasn't wearing a shirt. And he pressed a long kiss to her shoulder before he peered into the pot.

"What're you thinking about? You look so serious," he said, suddenly smiling when he caught her staring. And her gut wrenched as she realized how much she wanted him. How she could stand there listening to him talk about the most pointless thing. And like a tree, she would be rooted there all day.

She covered her face with her hands. Just so she wouldn't have to look at him.

"I can't do this, Tobirama. I just can't," she whispered.

"What do you mean?"

She could hear him stepping closer. The floorboards creaking. It made her so angry that when he touched her arm, her first instinct was to lean into him. She shook him off.

"This, Tobirama. Us. Like this. I keep telling you that it won't work. It just can't," she exclaimed. When she finally gathered the courage to look at his face, she regretted it. Because he looked so lost for a moment. He rubbed his face with both his palms.

"Hang on. This… let me put some clothes on first," Tobirama sighed. Hands dropping to his sides, he slunk off in his black boxers. She heard him shuffling around for a while. And when he emerged, he was wearing his black jeans, pulling his sweater over his head. She turned away to turn the stove off. Not like she had much of an appetite anymore.

Sakura heard one of the wooden chairs scrape against the floor.

"Come sit with me, Sakura."

"No," she snapped.

Tobirama sighed.

"I've… no- I don't really get you, Sakura. You asked me for some space. And now you… What do you want? What do I keep doing wrong?" he asked.

"I've said it so many times, Tobirama. I don't know if… any of this this is real," Sakura confessed.

Tobirama laughed. But it was an incredulous sound. There was no mocking edge to it.

"You're overthinking things. Siren charm can't force someone to go against their natural feelings. It just amplifies things," he reminded her.

"I KNOW what sirens do, Tobirama. I'm not stupid!" she retorted.

There was a moment of silence.

"But it's still not… me. At least… not all of it. I just… I don't feel like I'm me when I'm with you," she added.

"Sakura-"

"And don't tell me that it's fine! Stop trying to make it all okay by saying that you love me! I get it! You love me! Thanks!" Sakura went on. She didn't give him a chance to wriggle his way in. Because once he spun those sweet words around her, she would lose her train of thought again. She didn't even know whether he knew that he was doing it or not. It didn't really matter.

"But you don't even know how I feel! I don't even know how I feel! Who cares if you love me? I don't even know what's going on inside my own head!"

She knew her words flew like knives. She wanted them to hurt. Because she needed him to listen. To do more than just hear the sounds coming from her mouth.

She hadn't even realized that she was crying until she tasted salt on her lips.

"I can't just… turn it off, Sakura. You of all people should know that." His voice was low.

"I know." Sakura closed her eyes as she spoke. So she wouldn't have to see his face when she said her next words.

"You never listen to me. Why don't you listen when I tell you that I'm scared?" she added. She hadn't planned to say that. It just sort of tumbled out.

"You're scared? Of me?" Tobirama asked.

She stared at the floor, hands fisting at her sides.

"I would never… do you feel like I'm… manipulating you?" he inquired, his voice growing even softer.

"You're the co-CEO of the company I work for. I lived in one of your apartments. You've got this crazy charm that I literally can't resist. Did I miss anything?" Sakura shot back.

"I asked you to come work for us because you're talented," Tobirama retorted, bristling a little now. "And I subleased that apartment to you because your old apartment was shit."

"That's not the point, Tobirama," she replied.

"Then what is?"

"Just… go, Tobirama," she sighed. She suddenly felt exhausted. This wasn't what she had wanted. She had been so happy to see him. So content to lie in his arms. Part of her wondered whether she should have just kept her mouth shut.

"Why? So you can run away to the mountains next? Antarctica?" Tobirama demanded.

Her eyes narrowed. "Don't make fun of me, Tobirama. I moved out of Empire City because I had to," she snapped.

"You ran away. Instead of just talking to me. And now you want me to leave so you can run away again. If it were me, I-"

"Don't you fucking dare finish that sentence, Tobirama! You don't get to tell me what you would do. You have no idea what it's like for me," Sakura could hear her voice getting louder and louder.

"You wouldn't know what it's like to lie awake at night. With you sleeping next to me after we've had sex. While I try to figure out whether I'm really feeling happy. Or if it's you making me feel happy!"

Tobirama blanched.

"Don't tell me what you would do! You don't have to do anything! That's why you can say 'I love you' like it's nothing. You can travel to Barcelona and go to fancy clubs. You can do all that while I'm stuck here. Wondering whether the last year of my life has been some stupid trick of evolution to get me to sleep with you!" Her face fell hot as she spat those words at him.

Tobirama was speechless.

Sakura turned her back to him.

"So if you get it, just leave, Tobirama. I just… I can't do this…" she whispered.

She gripped the edge of the counter. Trying to hide how her hands were shaking.

Tobirama let out a long breath. He stood in place for a while. And when he finally moved, it was away from her. She heard him grab his jacket off the hook by the door. Keys jangling when he pulled them out of his pocket. He said nothing to her as he walked out of the house. Door slamming shut behind him.

She felt sick to her stomach as she listened to his car engine roar to life.

Kakashi showed up not too long after. He stamped up the front steps, probably shaking his head about how she hadn't locked the porch door again. And then he knocked on the front door.

"Sakura? It's me," he called.

"Come in," she replied. She wasn't really in the mood for yelling anymore. She was glad that he had such good hearing when he opened the door.

"You know, even if we live in a safe town, you shouldn't leave this open," Kakashi reproached as he stepped inside. He looked around. Found her sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He eyed the vase sitting between her legs. She had taken a scissor and snipped the heads off all the lilies. The petals lay discarded to the side. The scissors she had used were coated in yellow pollen.

"I, uh…" Kakashi paused to clear his throat. "I got a call from a neighbor about a domestic disturbance here. Said that was a lot of yelling."

Sakura snorted. "Can't deny that." And then she looked up at Kakashi. "Although, most of the yelling was me," she confessed.

"I'm guessing the other half of the argument left already," mused Kakashi, eyes darting around once. His ear twitched a little, just like a dog's would, as he listened.

"Yeah. I'm fine, though. He didn't threaten me or anything. It was just loud," Sakura assured him. She rubbed her hands over her face. Pushing the vase to the side, she curled her knees up to her chest.

"But… thanks for checking in anyway. That's nice of you," she added.

"Well… even if we weren't friends, I would've come. Domestic disturbance calls are pretty serious," Kakashi explained. And then he swept his gaze around the cabin. His stare lingered on the crooked coffee table pushed off to the side. Sakura lifted her head to see what he was looking at.

"Oh. That was like that. I was lying by the fire earlier," she told him. Kakashi gave a single nod as he got to his feet. He looked around the rest of the house, peering into the bedroom and the bathroom. He even stuck his head over the edge of the loft to check there. When he clomped down the stairs, he just looked tired.

Kakashi staggered over and sat next to her on the ground. Back pressing to the futon.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked her.

Sakura sniffed. Tears leaked from her eyes. She tried to rub them away with her palm as she nodded.

Kakashi, for obvious reasons, was not convinced. He rested his elbows on his knees, hands linked together. And he stared down at his twiddling thumbs for a while.

"What can I do to help?" he inquired after a while. Still trying to mop up the tears that kept flowing, Sakura couldn't answer. If anything, that made her cry harder. Because Kakashi was so kind. Ridiculously so. And she hated how there was a part of her that wondered whether even that was real.

"I want you to leave," she said. "I just… I need some time to think."

She almost expected Kakashi to refuse. To insist staying since she was so obviously upset. But Kakashi surprised her. He got to his feet without protest.

"I'll check in tomorrow," he promised. His mouth opened, like he was about to say something. And then, shaking his head a little to himself, he turned to head outside. The door shut. And it wasn't with an angry slam. It just… closed. Softly. Gently.

Sakura jerked her chin up. She almost got up to run after him to apologize. Because she wasn't upset with him. But before she could move, she heard his car backing down the driveway. Saw the windows fill with red light as he hit the brakes. And then the red light faded, as did the sound of the cruiser's engine.

Sakura slouched back against futon. A bitter laugh left her mouth. She rubbed her nose with her sleeve.

She was alone. Just like she had wanted. And it sucked.

The tears came again. Not as hard this time. Pressing her face to her knees, she let the tears and snot wet her pajama pants.

It was a while before she heard a tap at the door.

"Go away, Tobirama," she called.

The tap came again. Except, it sounded more like a scratch. And then she heard a high-pitched whine. Mopping her face with her sleeve, Sakura got to her feet. She stumbled to the front door. When she pulled it open, Biscuit was sitting on the porch. He wore a red kerchief wrapped around his neck. And there was something wrapped under the kerchief. Something that reflected light when Biscuit took a few steps forward to greet her.

"Biscuit, what're you doing here?" Sakura wondered, kneeling to greet the dog. Biscuit was unusually still. Normally he would've been jumping all over her. But he gave a pointed look at the lump under his kerchief before he stared up at her with big, black eyes.

Sakura reached under the red fabric. Whatever it was. It was warm. And it was clipped to his collar, which explained why it hadn't just tumbled out. It was wrapped in another kerchief, just like the one Biscuit wore. When Sakura undid the knot, it revealed a thermos. Sakura unscrewed the cap. The smell of cinnamon hit her before she had even opened it all the way. Hot mulled cider.

She lifted her head to search the darkness. There was no sign of Kakashi. She wondered whether he had just sent Biscuit alone. As Sakura got to her feet, Biscuit whined again. He butted his head against her leg.

"What?" she asked.

Biscuit nudged the thermos again. She searched the crumpled kerchief. Between some of the folds, she found a scrap of paper that she had missed.

Biscuit's a good listener. Or if you don't feel like talking, he's a pretty good cuddle buddy too. Call if you need anything.

Sniffing, Sakura tucked the note into the pocket of her pants. She glanced down at Biscuit. Who was still watching her very carefully. She scratched between his ears.

"Come inside, baby. Let's get you some water," Sakura murmured. The dog followed her inside.

Sakura slept on the black sofa in the loft that night. Biscuit's head resting on her stomach. His eyes growing sleepy as she stroked his neck and back.

"Hey, Biscuit," Sakura said into the darkness. His collar jingled as his ears twitched at the sound of his name.

"You're real lucky, you know that? I envy you." And then she paused, like she expected him to ask why.

"You've got a nice home. Lots of brothers. You've got a daddy that loves you. And you don't have to worry about stupid stuff like this," she listed. When she glanced down, her eyes had adjusted to the dark enough that she could see Biscuit's face. He stared back up at her with those big, wet eyes. And then he let out a soft "boof", as if to say that he was listening. Even though he couldn't understand. She smiled at him.

"You're such a good boy. I wish everyone could be more like you," she cooed.

Biscuit understood 'good boy'. His tail wagged a little. Tongue lolling out as he gave her a big, doggie smile. Sakura bent her neck to kiss the top of his head.

"Alright. Let's got some sleep. Gotta be ready for whatever hot mess tomorrow brings," she declared.