This entry provided the chance to honor the journey taken thus far by Master and Padawan.

In other words, I am going to start setting everyone up for the "fall," so that you'll all cry your eyes out.

Lovely, yes? ;-)

--Marie K.

Entry XIII

"Apologies in Hands"

She was crazy; she had to be. It was the only logical explanation. It must have been the white face paint she wore so lavishly. It's seeped through her pores and poisoned her.

Queen Amidala had lost her mind.

She was relying on an undeveloped alliance between two races that skirted each other like the plague. And the worst thing was, she planned to gather warriors from this alliance. Gungans? Warriors? The two words just didn't sound right side-by-side, or meters apart for that matter if Jar Jar was any indication of what their competence level was. Still, I knew the Queen wasn't stupid (I still believed she was crazy, though), so I figured she had to have more ideas and information than she let on. It would be nice if she actually told the Jedi what was sifting through her mind. We were supposed to protect her after all. It was the duty of a Jedi.

Jedi….

I'd been doing some thinking since the meeting with Amidala ended.

I was ready to end the petty feud that had grown into an obstructing wall between my master and me. No, not a wall; it was a chasm. I could still see him, I could still sense him; he'd just become impossible to reach.

And that would never do when we were bound for war.

Venturing into battle while harboring those emotions was beyond foolish—it was downright idiotic. A shiver coursed sharply along my spine at the thought of my dream alone. Only…I wasn't sure what to say to Qui-Gon. Or perhaps even more important than that was when to say that something.

Naboo crewman were hustling past me, going both directions as I kept up a steady pace towards the cockpit. Things were beginning to get crazy on board. I wasn't even sure where Master was and at the moment didn't have time to go searching. The Queen had specifically asked for my help in assisting Ric and Panaka in the cockpit as we advanced towards the planet. Something about using my "Jedi gifts" to assess the situation. I hadn't bothered to tell her that from this distance in space, I wouldn't be able to decipher much.

Qui-Gon's cabin companions were waiting on me when I arrived. I gave them each a nod and settled myself between the two. I was interested to discover the planet and its immediate possession of space were already visible through the ship's wide viewscreen. While Ric focused on piloting, Panaka and I watched the computers. We drew closer and small oblong dots became vessels. Ric looked briefly at his console, barely taking the time to pry his eyes from the swiftly approaching planet.

"I have one battleship on my scope," he said quickly, strangely sounding both confident and confused at the same time. My mind worked quickly as I gave it a visual inspection, then checked the computer's readout for confirmation.

"It's a droid-control ship."

I'd studied documents on the Trade Federation en route to Naboo—on our first go-around. One ship up alone in space may not have seemed very threatening, but I knew from firsthand experience how many droids and droid carriers the control ships could hold. Chances were that other ships had dropped their droid cargo before fleeing from the scene. Who knew how many could be down there? For the umpteenth time since the meeting, I wondered if Queen Amidala hadn't perhaps lost her mind. How were the Naboo, a peace-loving people with alienated allies, supposed to pull off a victory against hundreds, maybe even thousands, of armed, heartless, no-questions-asked killers?

"They've probably spotted us."

Despite his brave face, I saw right through Panaka's mask. He was worried—deeply so. And with good reason. Part of me wondered if he felt the same way about his Queen at the moment as I did. But no, Panaka's mind was swarming with so many other things that a mad queen appeared to be the last of his worries.

Does he have family on planet?

For some reason, the thought had never occurred to me before now. Regardless, he was here to fight for his planet—naturally he would be apprehensive. And just as he was here to fight for his planet, I was here to fight as well—for peace and justice and the honor of the Order. And perhaps, I thought without even truly considering the implications of it all, I was here to fight for the honor of being called a Knight and being one step closer to becoming my master's equal.

I swallowed and set my jaw. I was ready; I just hoped everyone else felt the same. "We haven't much time."

Not much time at all. For anything.

Not even proper apologies.

Ric set a course for the swamps; we wanted to remain hidden as long as possible, yet still be able to locate the Gungans quickly. With a quirky half-grin, I was reminded of my own terrible landing on this planet just days ago. Strange—it seemed more like years. Without thought, my hand drifted to where my lightsaber hung on my belt; it wasn't until I realized I was lowering the power supply setting that I broke through the hazy fog of the past.

Make a decision, make another. Remake a past, you cannot, as Yoda liked to say.

This weapon was my life, I knew that. To lose it would be like losing an arm, it had become part of me. The memory of building my "adult" saber six years ago was still fresh in my mind. My "teen" saber with its too small hilt sat under a protective casing in Qui-Gon's room back at the Temple.

Idly I looked down at my hands. There were calluses there, as well as scars and even a few scabs that would be gone within a day or two. Were these the hands of a Knight? I couldn't help but wonder over that question as I recalled the words spoken during the Council meeting.

"Obi-Wan is ready."

"I am ready to face the Trials."

But was I really? An unsettling feeling was sinking into my gut slowly. There was no time to dwell on it, however. The ship had landed and its occupants were filing out. Jar Jar would be headed to Otoh Gunga soon to begin his part in the forming of the alliance. I didn't know where Qui-Gon was, but I knew I needed to find him.

The time had come.

I knew, somehow, with that slight churning in my gut, that I would get no second chance this time.

We leapt—high into the air to meet each other…I raised my blade, readying it for a downward swipe—

No...!

"No. I haven't seen him."

"Thank you."

I bowed slightly to the mechanic I had been talking with and exited the engine room. At least ten minutes had passed and I had yet to find Qui-Gon. A part of me knew it would be a simple task to reach through our open, yet silent bond, but another part of me knew that if I did that, I would leave myself vulnerable. As far as I knew, Master had no lingering effects or memories of the dream; I wanted to keep it that way.

Beginning to feel frustrated, I decided to try resort to plan B and search for the boy…again…for the third time. Either Qui-Gon had taught him to shield or he already knew how. Anakin, as a living, breaking being, was nowhere to be found in the extensive regions that my mind scanned. I was just about to give up when something unexpected happened: I felt a brush on my mind and saw suddenly a blinding explosion of blue light. When both the light and the spots dancing before my mind had receded, I saw in my mind…myself. I saw myself exactly where I was, standing at the bottom of the ship's loading ramp. A fringed veil of black shadowed the scene temporarily like a blindfold put on and removed in the blink of an eye. Again the intense blue flashed, almost as though I was seeing from someone's eyes other than my own and now I found myself staring at a pair of strong shoulders, covered by a dark cloak and partly obscured by long, light brown hair. The feeling—the presence—touched my mind again and just like that I knew who it was. The realization sent me stumbling and it was all I could do to grab a support strut on the ship to keep from toppling over. The image in my mind shifted again and for the briefest of seconds I saw myself bent over, leaning against the strut. Just as quickly as it arrived, the touch and its effect were gone. I looked up, partially straightening, and just managed to catch a glimpse of bright blue and dull tan as it retreated into the vibrant green foliage.

Anakin had unknowingly been projecting again, and without realizing it, he had slipped stealthily past my shields. I couldn't stop the shiver that overtook my frame. That boy…How could he be so powerful in the Force when—

"Kenobi!"

"Yes, Captain Panaka?" I collected myself as the man bore down on me quickly. Worry laced his normally stoic expression and I could see in his eyes exactly how much the upcoming mission was getting to him.

"Go find Qui-Gon. Let him know Jar Jar is well on his way to their—" he waved his hand dramatically, "—city. I have to get back to the Queen. I'll join you in a few moments."

With a nod of comfirment, I dismissed him back to his pressing duties. Taking a step in the direction I'd see Qui-Gon in—that Anakin had seen him in—, I decided it was time I did the same.

Duty called.

It wasn't hard to find my master once I knew where to look. Best to approach this slowly, I thought. Approach him slowly? Or best to approach the situation slowly?

Ah, what was the difference, really?

Carefully, quietly, I lowered what few, thin shields I had erected around my mind. The act left me feeling cold and vulnerable, but I knew this was just the response of my mind, the insecure part that still tried hopelessly to hold onto every negative thing any creature had ever said or done to me. Wasn't it strange how living beings did that to themselves? Not even Jedi, try as we might, were above it.

"So the perfect Padawan is a living, breathing creature after all. 'Human' as your race would put it..."

Oh, not now—Bant, you have the worst timing!

"Obi-Wan, your father just died. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Don't you feel any remorse? Any at all?"

"Bant, my 'father' is currently in the healer's ward, picking up medicine for me so I can get rid of this killer headache. Where's my comlink? He should pick up Mon Calamari repellant while he's at it. Hey! Let go of my wrist!"

"For being 21 you sure are a baby. No, at least babies cry. You on the other hand—He's your father, Obi-Wan. I cry my eyes out enough just watching sappy holo-vids. I can't imagine losing my parents. Look at me, you stubborn, uptight glaysher monkey! The man helped to bring you into the world, for Force sake! He loved you."

"He tried to keep me from the Jedi."

"He loved you!"

"He never approved of me coming to the Temple."

"Obi-Wan!"

A whisper. Barely audible. "I didn't want to be a farmer..."

"Obi—"

A sob as strong shoulders shook. "Owen said I looked like him."

"Obi-Wan, I didn't mean to—"

Tears. "I never got to say goodbye to Mom. Dad—Dad and I were angry at each other—"

"Oh, Obi, I'm so sorry." Ginger locks brushed aside. A whisper. "So the perfect Padawan is a living, breathing creature after all. 'Human' as your race would put it. I was beginning to wonder...

Bant...

Force, what was wrong with me? I'd been a walking bundle of emotions since the whole Force-forsaken mission had started. Where was my Jedi calm?

"Don't center on your anxieties..."

"We are living beings, not machines."

"What beings say and what they feel are not necessarily the same. Jedi are different that way."

Yes, Master. We are different.

But perhaps not always to the degree that we would like….

He was standing with his left shoulder towards me, hands on his hips. Slowly, approach the whole situation slowly...I tucked my hands into the wide sleeves of my cloak, drawing strength and reserve from the familiar gesture. Had I stopped to think about it (as I did later), I would have realized that the slight trace of amusement I suddenly sensed through the bond was Qui-Gon noticing how he had rubbed off on me.

I resisted the natural urge to clear my throat. "Jar Jar is on his way to the Gungan city, Master." I don't think I could have felt more sheepish at that moment if I had wanted to.

"Good."

"Good?"

Did he not have anything else to say?

I needed to get Master talking. I needed to pull him from the slump that I felt he'd fallen into. "Do you think the Queen's idea will work?" I asked. That was innocent enough, wasn't it? It was a proper question shared between a Master/Padawan team.

Right?

"I've been thinking."

Those three words snapped my head up so sharply that for a moment I wondered if I'd given myself whiplash. Qui-Gon still didn't look at me as he continued, but I was happy enough just to be speaking civilly with him.

"We are treading on dangerous ground. If the Queen intends to fight a war, we cannot become involved. Not even in her efforts to persuade the Gungans to join with the Naboo against the Federation, if that is what she intends by coming here." He paused and looked me seriously in the eye. "The Gungans will not be easily swayed. And we cannot use our power to help her. The Jedi have no authority to take sides."

I already knew all of these things. I just thought I should remind Qui-Gon of the one detail he had forgotten to mention. "But we do have authority to protect the Queen."

I watched my teacher gaze at me for a long time. Finally, he sighed. "It is a fine line we walk, then."

There was more to those words than what was readily visible on the surface. We both knew it. This was an opening I'd be foolish not to take.

"Master," I said, speaking the title with all the love, admiration, and respect that I always had. "I behaved badly on Coruscant; and I am embarrassed. I meant no disrespect to you. It is not my place to disagree with you; I do not wish to be difficult in the matter of the boy."

"Nor have you been," he quickly reassured me. His words were comforting to hear. "You have been honest with me. Honesty is never wrong."

Quickly I bowed my head, already feeling my face flush red. "I am grateful that you think I am ready to face the Trials."

"I did not lie when I told the Council you were ready. You are. I have taught you all I can." I could hear the traces of a soft smile in his voice; wistful pride coursed slowly through the open bond. "You have been a good apprentice."

"He is an apt student."

"You are much wiser than I am, Obi-Wan."

"Our work is well begun, my Padawan. And though we are beyond the beginning of our journey, we are not quite at the end."

"I know. I still have much to learn."

"Yet you have already grown so much."

"I foresee you will become a great Jedi, my young Padawan."

"Then you'll take me back?"

"We will take each other back. You will make a fine Jedi Knight. I would be proud to continue the journey we started together."

It felt like I the weight of the entire galaxy had just been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to see my face to know it was glowing. I was quick to give credit where it was due. "If I do," I replied to my master's (most likely) biased foresight, "it will be because of what you have taught me."

"You will make me proud." You already have, his eyes said. Qui-Gon grabbed my hand in a quick action, as though if he didn't do it at that moment, there would be no other time for when it felt right. I looked at our two tanned and weathered hands, one a master's, one an apprentice's, and I was struck by pure, shocked amazement.

There was no difference.

"Who taught you to fight like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Students in the Temple rarely attack so viciously. They learn to defend, to wear one another down. Yet you fought…like a very dangerous man."

"I wanted to end it quickly. The Force allowed it."

"I am not so sure."

Together, Qui-Gon Jinn and I fought side-by-side. The Force pulsed between us. We knew without speaking where the other would move, when the other would strike. When Qui-Gon moved forward, I sprang back to protect his flank. When I leapt to the right, Qui-Gon made sure I was covered from the left.

I went for my lightsaber. Qui-Gon moved only a fraction of an instant later.

Here was the moment. I only had to step forward to challenge Master. I only had to move one muscle for it to be taken as an offensive move. Then the battle would begin.

Simultaneously, we both lowered our weapons. I handed my lightsaber to Qui-Gon. "You may go, Qui-Gon Jinn. But I will stay."

"Let's split up," Qui-Gon said grimly. "We're running out of time."

He reached into his cloak and brought out my lightsaber. He tossed it to me. "Here. I have a feeling you're going to need this."

My hand curled over the hilt of the saber. I lifted my chin. For the first time since Qui-Gon's arrival, I felt no shame.

It didn't matter what Qui-Gon thought. I was still a Jedi.

We moved at the same split second without exchanging a glance. Qui-Gon knew when and how I would strike. Now the two of us fought as one. Xanatos stood at the edge of the water behind him.

Instead of attacking me, Balog aimed his fire at the sensory deprivation device. Qui-Gon ignored the ping of blaster fire around his head; he knew I would deflect it.

I could see it in his eyes. He had never been happier to see me in his life. I quickly leapt into the fray, lightsaber swinging. "Where do you think Balog is?"

"I think we should go outside and spar. It has been too long since we did lightsaber training together."

My eyes locked on Qui-Gon's. I was challenging him to do something, to make the first move.

Qui-Gon did. He brought his lightsaber down in a powerful strike—once, twice, three times. I was there to block each blow. My eyes never left Master's face.

I think he suddenly realized that my saber skills had improved significantly. I was fighting like a Knight.

No difference.

I raised my blade, readying it for a downward swipe…awakened by the imagined torture of a red blade sticking unceremoniously through my midsection—

It was the strong, yet gentle squeeze of Qui-Gon's hand over my own that drew me back. When this mission was over, I would ask Master to meditate with me, to help me re-center my focus and myself. My connection to the unifying Force had been growing at an unprecedented pace, especially recently, and I wasn't sure Qui-Gon knew any better of what to do with it than I did. When this was all over with, I would ask my master to help me more with his world, the living Force. These memories and visions were distracting me. I didn't need that. Not on high priority missions…not on any missions. I knew Master could sense my distress and the 'aftertaste' of memories relived, but for once he did not admonish me to keep my concentration on the present.

Cautiously, like a man hesitant to draw too close, Panaka sidled up beside us. I watched him unconsciously blow out a deep breath as a slight grin twitched on his lips. Had the tense atmosphere been so great between Master and I that it affected those around us? Our strangled holds on the Force had been so great that it was highly likely, and though he never said it aloud—just as the Queen and her handmaidens who stood watching us from behind didn't—I could still sense them all projecting one unifying thought in reference to my master and I:

Good.

Yes, it was good now.

Jar Jar's return from the lake snatched everyone's attention off of Qui-Gon and myself. Confusion and bewilderment wafted off of the Gungan as he strolled quickly to us. "Desa nobody dare."

"Nobody dare?"

This time I stopped myself before I could twitch. Being stuck with us on this mission and now having to depend on him was one thing, but when had I started to talk like Jar Jar!

Nobody there, nobody there, nobody there, there, thereBut if there was no one there, then—

"…Some kinda fight mesa tinks."

I felt what little relief that had been in the atmosphere suddenly crumble. I turned to Qui-Gon, having already felt the "wheels" in his mind start to turn. "Do you think they have been taken to camps?"

It would make sense. It was what had happened to the Naboo. Why would they be treated any differently?

Because they have warriors, a voice whispered into my mind. No, not just any voice, Qui-Gon's voice.

Panaka could not hear our silent trade of conversation. "More likely they were wiped out," he ventured and I could hear in his voice the "I-told-you-so" he had felt all along. The captain had never given approval of his Queen's plan.

"Mesa no tink so." Jar Jar pointed one still dripping finger at the captain, oblivious to the distaste the man was still shooting in his direction.

As usual, however, Master was on top of things. Obviously, he still placed high hopes in the warriors of Boss Nass. "Do you know where they are, Jar Jar?" he questioned, letting courage float along his words with hope that it would convince the clumsy creature standing before us to continue speaking all that he knew.

The Gungan turned to Qui-Gon, the one he owed his great life debt to. "When in trouble, Gungans go to sacred place. Mesa show you. Come on! Mesa show you!" In his eyes I saw fear as he gave away his people's most-prized secret; but there was also a deep sense of determination to be found there—determination that rose from stubbornness, and instantly I saw something other than "another pathetic life form" standing before us. I saw a creature that had taken the strength and encouragement from a willing, kind, understanding soul and turned it into their own.

"Wars not make one great."

How many times had Master Yoda and even my own master told me this? Only now, hidden in the swaps of an imprisoned planet with a ragtag assortment of characters did I understand. Qui-Gon was not the successful, respected Jedi—no, man—that he was today because of the battles he had endured through and conquered. Qui-Gon was great because of who he was, on the inside.

That notion gave me something to strive for in the future, something perhaps even greater than my commitment to and the demands of the Jedi Order.

As we began our trek through the swamps following Jar Jar to his people's sacred land, I felt the forgotten churning of my stomach suddenly erupt into mad, half-crazed flutter flies. No one knew what was to come, but I decided not to worry. All was well between Qui-Gon and myself.

I looked briefly down at my hands, then to Qui-Gon's.

There was no difference.

Master felt my gaze and turned with a smile, his presence filling my mind with the warm touch that was him, that always had been him. That always would be him, even when we fought side-by-side as more than just student and teacher, but as equals, partners, and friends: Jedi Master and Jedi Knight, Jinn and Kenobi.

No difference.

Whew! I'm exhausted! My mom ordered a new bedroom set for me a few weeks and we received word Thursday afternoon that it was coming in FRIDAY. Thus began the adventure of completely emptying out my room, painting everything, and cleaning the carpet. Luckily the delivery was set back to Monday. We finally finished everything around 6 this afternoon but man, am I tired! Anywho, due to that (and the fact I start my first semester of college tomorrow O.O), the writing of the Duel of the Fates entry has been pushed back a bit. I don't think it will be that much of a setback, but I'll keep everyone informed.

TempleMistress--I'm so pleased to hear that you're enjoying the story the way you are. I really hope this story doesn't spoil the JA series for you. If anything, maybe it will make the books more interesting. I've always thought that you have to feel sorry for Obi-Wan, no matter who you are or what you think of him. The poor guy lost his "father" and then basically became a father in the same day! That's hard on anyone. And the nude part...I plead the fifth, LOL.

koriaena--Lucas really should have included some form of interaction between Ani and Obi. Now that you mention it, I realize that that was basically the only thing they said to each other: their names! What a way to get to know each other! hehe

Professor Authordude--Yes, Obi does seem to have a lack of self-confidence--he was like that even during his initiate days--but it just goes to show that he is indeed human and not 'perfect'. Now if only he could figure that out for himself:-)

Vespa--I agree with you about Qui-Gon's cold shoulder. So many authors have written about it, but they've never given him a good reason. I thought I should finally fix that. I hope you're enjoying my "certain point-of-view" so far.

Katieelessar--I hate it when Qui and Obi fight, too. But this entry set everything right! I just couldn't let them get any further without fixing things. They have an important adventure coming up, after all. This is another of my favorite entries, just because I was able to get so deep inside Obi's head and their relationship again. If those two were real people, I would have to be a fly on the wall. (Or a pesky reporter, hehe.) They have such a great connection!

Im Just Lurking--Hello again! Wow, you have a lot of will power--there's no way I could skim a story without reading all of it! Hopefully I won't keep you waiting too much longer to read all of it.

Notes for this entry: As I'm sure all of you noticed, all of the JA quotes were changed from 3rd person point-of-view to 1st to better flow with the story. I hope everyone was satisfied with my little editing. (Not sure if Jude Watson would be, LOL.) This chapter had a grand effect on me as I wrote the calming of tensions between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan and I hope you as the reader felt the same.

Oh, and BTW, the scene with Bant and Obi was made up but it's also a sort of shameless plug for my Kenobi Family Album story "He's My Son." If you are interested, go give it a read. It's not very long. Until next week, MTFBWY!

Small snapshot for Entry XIV, "Smart-Mouthed and Block-Headed":

"Ah, da Naboo. Yousa bringen da Mackineeks. Yousa all bombad."

"Mackineeks?" "Bombad?" Was that some kind of trendy Gungan speak?

Obi-Wan—

Yes, Master.

A sigh, half-amused, half-irritated, or perhaps weary drifted lightly to me. Sometimes I wonder about your true age, Padawan.

Yes, Master.

Despite Boss Nass's harsh words, Queen Amidala seemed unperturbed. "We have searched you out because we wish to form an alliance," she said calmly, never turning from the head Gungan. Until—

"Your Honor."

Padmé?