Lucy

It was never easy with Justice along. Outside of his black and white perspective of just about everything, he was… to be blunt, dead and decaying. Anders was doing his utmost to slow down the inevitable, but I knew someday the J-man was going to swing that sword of his and it would just go flying off. I simply hoped it didn't take one of us out when it happened.

Even though Nathaniel had worked with the horses and Justice, they never really liked him. We'd barely gotten out of sight of the keep when Justice's mare, a normally docile beast, more interested in eating oats then galloping, began to rebel. She started to buck and sidle sideways, trying to get away from the dead thing on her back. Nathaniel hopped off his horse and tried to calm the mare, but she wasn't having any of it.

"Justice, get down. Let me see if I can calm her," Nathaniel said, holding the mare by the reins while he dismounted.

I leaned over to Anders and whispered. "Do you think he's going to be able to hold together much longer?"

He grinned at me and shrugged. "I've been giving him salt water infusions in his veins and recommending that he take a long brine bath every night. Magically, I've slowed the decay by quite a lot but there's only so much you can do."

I shook my head. "Well, this is quite the pickle."

Anders snorted, trying to conceal his amusement at my pun. "No one ever told me part of my job as a Warden would be pickling one of my brothers. Maker preserve him."

I snorted in a very unladylike manner and my eyes stung with tears at the stupid puns. Anders always could get me to laughing.

"Too bad we can't just laminate him," I commented.

Nathaniel got Justice to stand off a way and tried to calm the mare when he approached, but she just wasn't going to tolerate the dead man on her back this day.

"Well," I finally admitted, not much happier than the balky mare at the thought, "I guess I can be Justice's transport." I dismounted and we had to swap horses around. Only Nathaniel's saddle was big enough to fit me. His horse would be a spare, he could ride Justice's balky mare and Justice would ride… Maker…me.

I transformed. None of the Wardens had ever seen my horse form, except Oghren.

Harrison went big-eyed. "Maker…" he said breathily. "You really do look like a horse."

"She is a horse for all intents and purposes," Anders said, "except for her mind. That much of her is still her own. Although it is rumored that if one spends too long as an animal they will start to forget they were ever human."

I nodded my head up and down vigorously, remembering how it was in Loghain's stables. I'd needed some intense sessions with Zevran to be reminded of my humanity. Even now thinking of it made me a bit weak in the knees… all four of them.

Justice mounted me; I wished desperately for another term to use, as that one sounded far, far too sexual. I tried to turn off my horse-enhanced sense of smell which was shouting "DEATH AHOY" so loudly it made my skin twitch. I followed the others with the animated slab of meat on my back. Justice wasn't a bad rider, what with being dead and all. I had to admit he was a fierce fighter. He seemed to not feel much, if any, pain. It was an admirable trait in a… a meat shield, but he was still spooky and creepy beyond belief.

We took North Road to Knotwood Hills, which I thought sounded like a pleasant suburban development. I half expected to see colorful plastic banners advertising that the new home models were open. Alas, nothing could be further from the truth. The landscape was dotted with gnarled, dead trees and the evidence of many landslides on the craggy hills. Every now and then we had to detour off the road where a landslide had blocked the road.

Someone really ought to send out some road crews to clear the damn road, I thought. Then I realized that the someone who should do that was probably me. Shit.

The land in the area was strewn with boulders and didn't look very fertile, which might explain the complete lack of farmsteads and civilization.

There was something that this land could support: Sheep and goats. They could eat almost anything and turn it into fur, skin, and protein. The only problem is they tend to cause soil erosion as they eat everything that holds the soil in place. Although agriculture seems like peaceful coexistence with nature at the surface, you rarely have to dig far to find out that this seemingly bucolic existence of farms and farmers, even in this rather primitive civilization, is already disrupting nature on a larger scale than anyone expects. The failed Norse settlement in Greenland during the 13th century on Earth is a testament to how badly an agricultural society can impact a seemingly lush land.

Sometimes I fully recognized that I was responsible, in part, for the health and welfare of a small part of Thedas. My admittedly limited knowledge of human history almost paralyzed me at times. I had to remind myself this civilization was pretty old. They had customs that had served them well and if they were going to repeat all the mistakes of my native civilization at least they had a few more hundred years before they could screw themselves up too badly on a global basis. I just had to make sure my presence amongst them didn't accelerate the process.

Those were some deep thoughts to have in horse form with a dead guy on my back. I nearly tripped over a log I didn't see while I was pondering the countryside.

"Commander?"

I had to give Justice credit, he was certainly polite.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

I nodded, horsey style, and tried to find my equine groove.

It wasn't long before we arrived at the big sinkhole the elf in Amaranthine had told us about and, judging by the way my nerves were twitching, we were right on top of a big pile of darkspawn. I stopped and whinnied and the others stopped, too. They dismounted and Justice removed my tack. It's a good thing to do before transforming; otherwise you're likely to be all tangled up in the stuff.

"Ugh, darkspawn," Anders noted.

"Lots of darkspawn, it feels like," Nathaniel added.

"Makes my crotch itch," Oghren said, belching to punctuate.

That comment almost made me transform back into a horse and gallop off, but I did my duty. "Well, we must have an opening into the Deep Roads. I'm not at all surprised." I was glad I had provisioned for a Deep Roads excursion. Plenty of torches, our sleeping rolls, lanterns, and, of course, chocolate. If there was one thing that could ward off the despair that the Deep Roads usually made me feel, it was chocolate.

"Well, here we are!" I shouldered my pack and looked my Wardens in the eye, sounding a lot happier than I was feeling. "A beautiful day for an expedition into the Deep Roads."

"We won't really know anything about the day's beauty or lack thereof shortly," Nathaniel said with a smirk.

"Right, and the day isn't really all that beautiful," Anders remarked. "It's rather cloudy and it looks like it could rain at any moment."

I slapped Anders on the back. "Exactly! A beautiful time to be underground and away from this shitty weather." I hitched up the pack again, thinking I'd rather be up here in pounding rain than down there with all those things making Oghren's crotch itch. "Onward!" I said, sounding far, far perkier than I felt.

We walked down a rickety scaffolding and Nathaniel looked decidedly nervous. He told a tale of falling when he was a child, or maybe being pushed. I wasn't paying close attention because he had a point. The wood was rotted in places and the whole structure was shaky. The darkspawn weren't very good woodworkers apparently.

We were just barely inside the Deep Roads when we spotted a group of darkspawn dragging off a dwarven woman.

"Nate, shoot her if it looks like they're going to get away with her," I told him.

He looked at me as if I were insane.

"Trust me. It's better than what awaits her."

He shrugged and then we charged the group. My precaution was, thankfully, unnecessary; we beat the group of darkspawn easily. The dwarven woman got loose and fought with us. She was obviously an experienced fighter. Legion, most likely, I decided from her armor.

When the last of the darkspawn had died, I wiped my hand off on my leggings. "Lucy Cousland, Warden Commander of Ferelden. And you are?"

She smiled and I instantly liked her. There was something so open and friendly in her face - dare I say…perky?

"Sigrun, of the Legion of Dead." She stuck out her hand and grasped my own.

She was going to run off on her own to the dwarven ruins within, which she called Kal'Hirol, and kill as many darkspawn as possible before dying… or dying again. But I reasoned with her that we could kill an awful lot more if we teamed up. She agreed and admitted we were all probably going to be dead anyway.

She had a point… either her Legion were just bad fighters or else there were an awful lot of darkspawn inside. Granted we're Grey Wardens, so we kick darkspawn butt better than most, but the Legion are awesome fighters, too. I wasn't feeling too cheery after talking with her awhile. I was glad Loghain was at the Vigil. If I didn't return… If I didn't return, he would take Danny. He knew better than anyone what my wishes were for him, even if he didn't always understand or agree with them.

As we went further in we passed the remains of her Legion fellows and one of them died in her arms. I thought he was either a very close friend or perhaps a lover. It was very tragic, but it redoubled her determination to forge ahead and find her own death. It made me realize how sick the Legion of the Dead were. They were elevating suicide by darkspawn to a hero status. Of course, now that I thought about it, the Grey Wardens did the same. If Avernus was right, though, none of us would ever have to face that.

In short order, Sigrun proved her worth. She guided us away from the front entrance to the thaig, that was how her Legion had met their deaths. We hunted around and eventually found a secretive side entrance. We were glad we did, the entrance was not only filled with traps, but lots of darkspawn. My hopes were raised; perhaps we would survive this adventure.

~o~o~o~

A full day we pushed into the thaig, gaining ground slowly. At times it seemed like the darkspawn were doing our work for us; we came across what looked like two groups of darkspawn fighting each other. How bizarre! We held back and just watched them kill each other off. The few survivors were easily mopped up.

We made camp in an area we had thoroughly cleansed of darkspawn and posted two guards at a time. Anders and I had the first watch. I'd arranged it that way. He looked just terrible. I was growing more concerned about him. For a while now he looked bone weary during the day, but he wouldn't discuss it with me. I assumed the darkspawn dreams were plaguing him. But Anders was a master of sleep remedies, as I'd experienced myself. Why wouldn't he just fix himself up with something?

Ever since coming to Kal'Hirol, he'd looked even worse. I could see the exhaustion and stress written plainly on his face. I'd pushed him away and had tried not to show my affection for him. It tore at me now; I so wanted to put my arms around him and coax his worries from him. I wanted to soothe his cares, kiss the worry lines off his forehead, and sing him to sleep.

I thought withdrawing from Anders would squelch these urges, like going cold-turkey on eating sugar. Eventually those cravings subside but these hadn't lessened. If anything I was feeling closer than ever to him. I felt a sort of peacefulness when he was near. Even my terrifying nightmares, which I rarely remembered but often awoke me with a pounding heart and tears on my face, were diminishing. The first thing I thought of most mornings was Anders. He was the sun to me in a very cloudy time.

I vowed that I would get to the bottom of whatever was bothering him. When everyone else was sleeping I joined him at the fire and sat close to him so I could speak quietly. He was staring vacantly into the fire, in a trance-like state.

"Can we talk a moment?" I asked, cautiously.

He snapped out of his trance but continued to gaze into the flames. "Of course." His answer was short and completely lacked his usual good-natured banter.

"What's wrong, Anders? You're just not yourself." I stared at the side of his face, willing him to meet my eyes.

He smiled slightly. "It's this place. Dark, creepy… all that rock. It reminds me a little too much of the prison cells under the tower. That whole experience turned me off of underground places." He finally turned to meet my eyes. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

I shook my head and couldn't prevent myself from taking his hand in my own. "You're not fine. You're exhausted and completely stressed out. What's going on?"

He shrugged. "I'm all right."

Oh fine, be all stoic on me, macho man. Well, whatever it was, he wasn't going to tell me. I could at least help him to relax a little. "I think I know what might help." I got up and went to where I piled up my gear and rummaged through my backpack and pulled out a carefully wrapped package and a box of spice tea.

I dug out a pair of mugs and filled them with steaming hot water from my hands and handed them to Anders along with the box of tea. "Brew us some tea, would you? I think there's some sugar in my bag."

I carefully unfolded the cloth from around my very special package and inhaled the fragrance. The dark, heady odor of chocolate was truly relaxing, while the cinnamon and spice smell from the tea made a pungent counterpoint.

I scooted over next to where Anders was quietly brewing the tea and held up the chocolate for him to smell. He inhaled it deeply, holding my wrist so I wouldn't draw it away prematurely. He knew, as I had taught him, that smelling chocolate was the important first step to eating the chocolate.

He finally withdrew his nose from the thick, dark-brown slab and I could see the beginnings of a genuine smile. "You're trying to get me hooked on this drug of yours, aren't you?"

I chuckled quietly. "This is a very minor sin. It is a tiny indulgence that can bring a few moments of bliss in an otherwise bleak day."

When the tea was ready I cut off a chunk of the chocolate for each of us, wondering how long this trip would take and if there was enough chocolate to last us. I was almost ashamed at how I had taken chocolate for granted in my life on earth. Here it was a truly rare prize. One only the wealthy could afford.

We silently and companionably ate our chocolate, letting it melt slowly in the mouth, and keeping our little moans of ecstasy as quiet as we could. If any of our companions heard the moaning and the slurping of tea, they might assume something other than what was.

"I miss Marigold," Anders stated after he finished his tea. "A soft, furry creature could take away some of the oppressiveness of this place."

I smiled slyly. "Well, I can't replace Marigold entirely but…"

It had been a while since I'd shifted into tiger form but I was game to try. I gathered my magic and shifted. It worked, although I thought I might be a bit on the small size for a tiger. Anders gave a little yelp of surprise. Had I forgotten to mention I could do this?

"Ummm… well, you're a little bigger than Marigold."

I chuffled, which is a friendly tiger noise, but if you're not used to tigers it is probably a little intimidating. He jumped nervously. "I didn't mean that as an insult. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your size whatsoever."

I chuffled again and closed the distance between us, lying down beside him. It wasn't long before his hand tentatively stroked my fur.

"Maker… whatever sort of cat this is, it certainly has a soft, thick coat. Can you imagine wearing something like this?"

I snarled softly in response, but lengthened out and turned so the fire would warm my belly. I'd forgotten how comfortable tiger form was. Yes, I could imagine what wearing that fur was like. It was quite plush and lovely.

"Oh, no. I didn't mean it like that. Such a magnificent animal, it would be a crime to hunt them for their fur." He chattered softly and stroked me.

It sounded like he was finally relaxing a little. I felt like I had succeeded, even if I hadn't figured out what was bothering him so much that he wasn't sleeping. I had decided that sometimes when you're in charge you have to become a parent to those you supervise. We adults are really only large children. We still need someone to nurture us, kiss our boo-boos, bolster our self-confidence, and balance our world view when it gets too out-of-whack. Although, the sort of leading I did, I couldn't be too motherly, that would be insulting. I had to be sly about it. Right now, I was a proxy for a beloved kitten. Hopefully, Anders wouldn't think too closely about exactly who he was stroking, and I wouldn't think too hard about it either.

We spent the remainder of the evening sitting quietly by the fire. There was no trouble from the darkspawn, fortunately. When the time came, we awoke Nathaniel and Oghren for the next watch. I stayed in tiger form because it felt so pleasant. I laid down on my bedroll and watched Anders watching me. It was almost like he was waiting for me to fall asleep but I outlasted him. It wasn't long before his eyes closed and I could hear his regular breathing. Since we were unground there was no need for tents. There was a little distance between bedrolls, but we were all close enough you could reach out and touch the next person over.

I finally drifted off into a cat nap. I wasn't sure exactly how long I'd been asleep before I heard Anders stirring restlessly. I opened my eyes and saw Justice sitting by the fire. It must be his turn for the watch now. I could smell the fear coming from Anders with my tiger-enhanced sense of smell. It must have been a nightmare disturbing him. No one else was awake, so I padded over to him and lay down next to him.

So many times Zevran's presence in bed with me had reassured me when the bad dreams had come after Riordan died. I hoped my presence might reassure Anders. He woke up a little and threw an arm over me and tried to pull me closer, but I was a 200 pound tigress; he wasn't going to budge me, so I squiggled a little closer, trying not to crush him. I heard a contented sigh and then his breathing told me he'd fallen asleep again.

When I awoke in the morning Anders was sprawled all over me like I was some sort of body pillow. I carefully tried to untangle myself from him and go back to my own bedroll before the others awoke, but I woke him in the process.

"Thanks, Lucy," he whispered to me as he stroked my ear.

I went back to my bedroll and transformed. Even though I missed my plush exterior, I fell asleep and snoozed a bit longer. Finally the stirring of the camp woke me up. We ate a quick, cold breakfast and pushed our way further into the thaig.

Anders

It alternated between crushingly small corridors, liberally bedecked in unnaturally large webs, and large, inky, open spaces inhabited by the ghosts of those long dead.

What's not to like about this place? Anders thought, shivering in the unnaturally still, stale air.

Last night he was back in the dungeon under the Circle tower. It had been dug out, under the lake. Of course, water can't be denied; it always sought to regain lost territory and it did in small leaks and dribbles, seeping through walls and ensuring all the lowest points of the dungeon were constantly damp.

That's where they'd thrown him.

"Let's see how long until he makes a deal with a demon."

The templars actually were actually placing bets on him. They stripped him and left him for days without food or clean water. So, if he didn't like dark, unground places, perhaps it wasn't so unreasonable. What made it worse was the thinness of the Veil. After so much cold, pain, and starvation you started to hear the residents of the other side and their whispers. Over the weeks and months they became more real and more comforting than anything on this side. So many times he'd nearly succumbed, given in to the promise of warmth, peace, freedom from hunger, but the mocking of the templars would pierce the fantasy and he'd stubbornly refused to give in. He'd rather die of chilblains than let one of these bastards win their bet.

He was in the depths of a dream about the last year he'd spent in that pit of despair. The lash of a whip was licking across his shoulders when a soft, comforting presence nuzzled the side of his face. Something warm, wet and rough slid across his cheek and a soft, opulent presence pressed against him. He awoke to see Lucy, in that massive cat form, lying next to him. He buried his face into her heavy fur coat and soon found himself asleep, the nightmares banished.

As he'd done for her so many nights, she was now doing for him.

~o~o~o~

Clicking, crunching mandibles became the new nightmare. They'd barely managed to save Nathaniel from a mass of what appeared to be larval darkspawn. Half maggot, half darkspawn – could anyone dream up a more horrific creature? A chunk of flesh had been ripped out of Nate's thigh. It had taken intense healing to mend the damage and it stalled them for the remainder of the day to get him back on his feet.

The next day it was Lucy's turn. The creatures swarmed her, seeming to come from nowhere. She uttered a short, terrified scream and disappeared under them. The last sight Anders had of her, she was pushed to her knees, then onto her front as they overwhelmed her. Then she was lost of that pulsating mass of insectile darkspawn.

"Lucy!" He stopped dead in his tracks. Suppressing panic, he unleashed flames and fried as many of them as he could while Justice and Oghren attacked them as well. When they got to the bottom of the pile they found Lucy was mostly unharmed but she'd had the breath squeezed out of her.

She struggled to her feet and collapsed against a rock, trying to draw a breath. Her hands were shaking and tears were rolling down her face. "Can't breathe!" she gasped. If she was wounded, it wasn't obvious what the wound was.

Fighting back panic, Anders recollected that she had said she was allergic to darkspawn. He remembered hearing people who were asphyxiated for no apparent reason other than some strange inflammation of their airways. He put his hands on her and searched, looking for the source of her affliction.

There! He poured healing magic into her, calming the inflammation and reopening her constricted passages. To think, she could have suffocated down here where there was plenty of air, however dank and stale it was. Perhaps it was partially due to the emotional stress of nearly being eaten alive by those things, but her body also reacted badly to something about the darkspawn. He silently thanked Andraste that he'd been able to save her.

"Thanks, all of you." Lucy shuddered and took the backpack off her back. It had been sliced apart by the mandibles of the grub-like darkspawn, rendering it mostly useless. She opened it and removed everything.

"It looks like that backpack saved your life, Commander," Nathaniel commented.

She nodded. Everything she pulled out of it was covered in slime. One item in particular had been ravaged. Anders barely recognized it until she opened it: It was the chocolate. It had been liberally coated in slime and he could see bite marks in it.

"They ate my chocolate!" she wailed. She dropped it in disgust to the floor. They heard more skittering sounds.

"More are coming!" Justice called out, drawing his greatsword again. "Prepare yourselves."

Call it instinct, or a lucky guess, but Anders picked up the fouled chocolate and threw it several yards from the party. The skittering grew louder and the grub-creatures descended upon it, ignoring them completely.

The party of Wardens killed the grubs easily from a distance.

"They smelled the chocolate? That's what they were after?" Lucy sighed and picked up what items hadn't been totally ruined and tried to put them into her torn backpack, but they just fell out of a rip in the bottom. She picked up a bottle of poison and looked at it quizzically. "We need a roach motel." She began to laugh hysterically.

"Commander?" Nathaniel said. His look plainly said he thought she had finally broken under the pressure.

"No, seriously! We poison some chocolate, they'll carry it back to their nest! We can poison the whole lot of them!"

Nathaniel nodded. "I suppose it might work, if we get the dosing just right. It can't kill them immediately. There isn't enough chocolate though, is there?"

Lucy shook her head. "No, but they might have a sweet tooth. Anything sweet or starchy we have they might go after."

They all went through their packs and took out bread, cakes, sugar, anything that might be appealing to the darkspawn vermin. Both Nathaniel and Lucy carried poison which they used to soak the pile of carbohydrates.

"Back home we had ants. Some of them liked sweets, some liked protein, and others preferred fats. Usually they'd eat whatever they could find, but they had definite preferences. You could make a sort of bait by combining their favorite food with a slow acting poison. They carry back to the colony and share it with the rest and, hopefully, the whole colony is destroyed.

"Roaches are sort of the same. They're cannibalistic, too. So when one dies other roaches come and feast on the body. If that body happens to be laced with poison… well, it is a gift that keeps on giving."

They'd barely finished creating the pile of poisonous food when they heard rapid skittering again. Nathaniel found a place where they could stand, up a rock outcropping, and watch the vermin. They began to feed noisily on the pile of food they had left. The pile diminished quickly and the pests began to leave, although they were definitely not scurrying as quickly. Anders guessed they were feeling a little poorly.

"Well, here's hoping they carry it back to a nest somewhere and share it, or that their friends are cannibals." Lucy smiled, wanly. She still looked a little upset after having been swarmed.

"Are you all right to continue on?" Anders asked her.

She nodded her head vigorously. "The sooner we get away from these things the better."

They collected the remains of Lucy's gear and distributed it between their packs and forged further into the ruins. Lucy seemed to jump every time there was a noise that sounded like those little legs and claws scrabbling across the floor. Anders stayed close to her, hoping his presence helped at least a little.

This day went like the last from that point on. There were always more darkspawn to kill, but now at least the vermin had been reduced. Lucy's roach motel had worked.

They found riches in this abandoned thaig and carried as much as they could. That, at least, made Lucy happy. The money would be used to pay the staff and soldiers, she told them.

That evening's meal was none too satisfying. They'd left the bread and sugar behind, in a poisoned pile, so all they had were some dried vegetables, roots and dried meat. Still, it was better than nothing. They still had a lot of pemmican, as Lucy called it. It was dried meat, usually venison or beef, ground into powder and mixed with duck fat and dried berries. Not great tasting, but it kept them going on these expeditions.

Lucy took the second watch and Sigrun volunteered to stand watch with her. Anders ended up with the first watch. When Lucy went to clean up for the night, he waited for a quiet moment and took the dwarf woman aside.

"Any chance I can change watches with you?" Anders asked.

Sigrun looked up at Anders face, a grin spilling across it. "Ah, so you want to stand watch with the Commander? Hmmm… do the Wardens allow fraternization?" Her tone was teasing and light. "The Legion frowned on that, but it never stopped anyone."

"Well, it's just… I want to keep an eye her. That business with the darkspawn today… Purely professional, of course." Anders drew himself up and tried to look as doctor-ish as possible. "A relapse is always a possibility."

The cheeky dwarf grinned at him and slapped him on the back. "You betcha, doctor. She looks like she could relapse at any moment." She walked away giggling.

Anders chided himself for being so transparent. Who didn't know he had a thing for the commander now? Oghren probably didn't care. Nathaniel certainly knew. Justice… hard to say really; would he even care?

Anders laid down and tried to sleep but he couldn't shut his mind off. He thought of the sight of Lucy disappearing under those darkspawn grubs and the utter terror that had gripped him. What if they had… He couldn't complete the thought. It didn't happen. He tried to imagine being a Warden without her there. He would hate it.

He turned over and pulled his covers up around his head and peeked at the commander's bedroll. She was just lying down, shifting around, trying to get comfortable. She got situated on her back and he heard her sigh, as if she'd been holding her breath all day. Then she shifted onto her side and the light reflected from her eyes; she was looking at him. He smiled, just in case she could see he closed his eyes and pretended to sleep. Before long, he didn't have to pretend.

~o~o~o~

"Wake up, Twitch," a booted foot prodded his mid-section. "Your watch."

Anders groaned and got up. He pulled on his robe and equipped his staff and dagger. Lucy's bedroll was already empty. "Sleep well, Oghren." He went over to the fire and found her sitting there, staring pensively into it and sharpening her dagger.

"Thanks for saving me today, Anders."

"No need to thank me, I was just doing my job."

She smiled wearily.

"Did you get some sleep?" he asked.

"A little. You?"

Their conversation was stilted and awkward. "Some." He stared into the fire alongside her. "The darkspawn…"

"They seem quiet tonight. Kind of far away." She finished his thought.

"Yes. Quite far away."

A silence fell between them. It wasn't uncomfortable, but he searched his brain for topics of conversation. Suddenly his mouth seemed to work without his brain's permission. "Why did you lie to me about that dream?"

Sweet Maker did I just say that? Yes, it was something that had been on his mind for weeks, but he'd never intended to say something… especially not like this!

"Uh…" Lucy shifted uncomfortably. "Which dream was that?" She stared steadfastly into the fire, not looking at him.

Whatever rogue element had lobbed the impulse into his brain, it certainly wasn't about to back down now. "Stop pretending, Lucy. We both know. Why do you pretend it didn't happen? I know what we both felt there and it wasn't just within the dream. There is something between us and ignoring it isn't going to make it go away."

"It might," she said in a very small voice. She continued staring into the fire, refusing to meet his eyes.

Andraste's knickers! The woman was impossible. He deserved a better answer than that. His frustration boiled over. He moved closer to her, taking her chin in his hand and turning her head so that she had to meet his eyes. "That's not an acceptable answer."

Something about the way the firelight reflected off the inky depths of her eyes, the way her breath caught when he touched her, he wasn't about to throw away the opportunity. He drew her face closer to his, gently tugging her closer with his fingers under her chin. She could pull away, but she didn't. He closed the final few inches between them and their lips met, almost chastely, but it was a kiss.

There was a pause, a brief moment when they both seemed to try to grasp what this kiss meant. She hadn't drawn away. Then she did. Just an inch or so, but her eyes were on his. They seemed brimming with unasked questions, even fear. She was over-thinking, he could tell. Stop thinking, Lucy. Just be. He wrapped his hand around the back of her, closing the gap between their lips once more.

This time she gave in to it. Her mouth relaxed under his and she gave a little breathy sigh, like a signal of surrender. It was just as it had been in the Fade. Everything from her scent - lavender from the soap she'd used to scrub off the darkspawn slime - to the way she nibbled gently at his bottom lip, reliving that dream they'd shared a few weeks ago. There was no denying this, at least.

The kiss broke off gently and she withdrew. Personal space restored, she stared into the fire again. "This route can only take us to an unhappy destination, Anders." She frowned into the fire.

"What?" His frustration with her began to grow. "Why do you say that? I know you share my feelings. What is stopping you?"

She looked so sad and pained when she looked at him, he almost thought she might cry. "I do care about you, far more than I should. If we were together it would be even worse…"

Anders frowned. "Worse… well, thanks for that."

"And if… no, when Zevran returns, I'd have to end it between us. Do you want that hanging over your head?"

"Let me worry about that. I'm willing to live in the present and let tomorrow be damned. We'll deal with it when it happens."

"You don't understand! It would tear me in two. I would have to let one of you go and… I couldn't do that to Zevran."

Anders picked up her hand and kissed it. "All I know is this feels so right to me. Ever since that night when we found each other in the Fade, I haven't wanted anyone else."

Lucy's hand turned and she caressed his jaw, rubbing the ample stubble that was growing longer in their time in the Deep Roads. "Being rash and imprudent is so much easier when you know your death is a certainty." She smiled, although it was tinged with sadness. "The things I justified, knowing I was going to become dragon chow in the end… I almost miss having such excuses, but I'm a mother now and people actually depend on me. I can't pretend there won't be painful consequences."

He pulled her closer, so she was leaning against him, her head resting on his shoulder. "All right, there will be consequences, there always are, but we'll deal with them, Lucy." His hand glided over her hair and down the braid that was still damp from her bath. "I've nearly lost you twice. Once to that damned Wolf and today to those darkspawn grubs. I couldn't stand by and not tell you how I feel."

She drew a deep breath and it came out in a sigh. "Think this over, Anders. Take some time to consider what happens if Zevran returns. I need some time to think, too. We'll talk again when we get back to the keep. In the meantime, we need to stay focused on getting out of this place alive." She looked into his eyes for a moment. "We probably shouldn't stand watch together."

He leaned closer, his lips hovering over hers. "Then I suppose this kiss will have to last us awhile," he said softly. He kissed her, this time not holding back on the intensity he felt. Everything he had been feeling for her, since… well, really it had all started when they'd met. Her mouth opened under his and her hands grasped his arms as she held onto him. A small, nearly inaudible, moan let him know she was also feeling everything he felt.

Her expression was softer, less sad, as she pulled away this time. She disentangled herself and patted her hair into place then stood. "I think it's time to wake the next watch."

"I'll do it," he offered. "Get some rest." He reached for her hand, but she pulled away from him.

"Uh uh, recruit," she said, suddenly becoming the commander. "We'll discuss this further at the keep. Meanwhile… just keep your mind on the task at hand." She turned away and walked to their sleeping area.

Anders smiled as he watched her. He stretched and started toward where the next watch was sleeping when he saw a pair of eyes reflecting firelight. He recognized Sigrun's pigtails peeking out from under her blankets. She winked broadly at him and then turned over.

Bloody Andraste! There is no privacy here. He woke Nathaniel and Justice for the next watch. Then he found his own bedroll and laid down, feeling more contented than he had felt in ages.

~o~o~o~

The remainder of the trip through the Kal'Hirol took several more days. It culminated in the horror of seeing brood mothers for the first time, and a battle with an unnaturally large golem – not that there was anything exactly natural about a golem. Anders swore they'd all die, and him so close to having the woman he'd been obsessing over for so long, it was horribly unfair. But they emerged from the bowels of the earth, worn, injured, and blinking in the bright daylight.

They paused to get used to sunlight and open air again. Lucy slumped against a rock, closed her eyes, Anders saw her lips moving, like she was saying a silent thanks. He sat next to her on the rock and surreptitiously took her hand. "We made it," he said quietly.

A hint of a smile crossed her lips briefly and she squeezed his hand. "That we did." She stood up and turned to the other Wardens. "Let's get the hell home!" (Lucy had taught them the concept of hell one night while they were having a few ales.)

A cheer went up from all of them. "Hell, yeah!" Anders shouted.

The horses wanted to fly home; foraging in Knotwood Hills hadn't been fun for them. Justice's mare even obliged the corpse on her back.

Anders went over his talk with Lucy in the Deep Roads. She said to think it over, to consider what would happen if her lover returned from Antiva. But what were the odds? The guy went there to wipe out a whole bunch of other assassins just like him. Either he would have to be crazy lucky, or have crazy skills to survive, probably both. Chances were he wasn't coming back. But Lucy thought he would return. Maybe she just said that to keep her morale up. Perhaps she wasn't ready to face the reality that he's already dead.

He tried to think it through, but his mind wandered off to imagining what it would be like at the keep. Would she change her mind? Would they become lovers right away or should he court her properly? Perhaps he should go to Amaranthine and buy her a gift. What would she like? Maybe an Orlesian silk scarf to go with that new red dress she had. But what color? He began to worry over it. What did he know of colors and fashion? Maybe he could ask someone else. Sigrun? No, she probably knew nothing of human fashions. He could secretly borrow - all right, steal - Lucy's dress and take it with him to Amaranthine. Then he would find someone to help him pick out a scarf. Perhaps Nathaniel's sister. What was her name again?

He was still musing over an appropriate gift when they arrived back at the keep. His palms were a little sweaty with nervous anticipation. It was ridiculous, really, he hadn't been this nervous about a woman since he was thirteen years old.

He barely noticed the trio of exceptional looking horses in the courtyard, but Lucy and Nathaniel commented on them.

"Nathaniel aren't those…" she pointed at them as they dismounted in the courtyard.

"Paso Finos, I believe," Nathaniel said. "They look similar to you when you're a… horse."

The blood drained out of Lucy's face. "Antivan horses… Maker! Nathaniel would you see to my horse?" She didn't even wait for a response; she dismounted and ran toward the keep.

"Mine too, Nate. Thanks." Anders dismounted quickly and at least took the time to hand the reins to Nathaniel. Then he ran after Lucy, to hear a snippet of her questioning a guard.

"… they arrived just a few hours ago. Varel told them he expected you any day. Oh yes, Teyrn Loghain left for some business in Amaranthine yesterday. I believe he means to return tomorrow."

Lucy nodded. She turned to Anders, her face looking ashen. "Well, I suppose I should go in." Reaching for the door handle, her hand froze. She seemed unable to open it.

Anders reached out and opened the door for her. "I'm right here, Lucy. Whatever it is, I'll be here."

She nodded and let her breath out in a gasp. "All right. Let's see what they want. Maybe it has nothing to do with…" Her voice trailed off.

Anders nodded and they walked in together. Varel and Garevel were in the great hall and three Antivans were with them.

"He's not there," she whispered to Anders. "Oh Maker."

"Ah, it looks like the commander has returned, gentlemen," Varel said. He took Lucy aside and spoke quietly to her. "Would you like me to put them off until tomorrow? We've already found rooms for them, they'll be staying the night anyway."

Lucy said nothing but shook her head. "No… it's all right. I'll meet with them now."

Varel nodded and led her into the great hall. "Gentlemen, the Warden-Commander of Ferelden, Lucy Cousland."

One of the men approached her, holding an ornate wooden box in his hand. "My master, Ignacio, sends his greetings and a message for you. He regrets he could not come in person, but events in Antiva require his attention."

"Master Ignacio…" Lucy croaked out his name. She seemed at a loss for words.

"This box, my lady, it is for you," the Antivan handed her an ornate box.

She took it from him, even at the distance he maintained, Anders could see her hands trembling. She held it a moment staring at it, and then opened it. He could hear her breath sharply indrawn as she reached in and took something out. A chain with a small vial, a Grey Warden amulet, dangled in her hand. She closed her eyes a moment and then opened them.

"Thank Master Ignacio for me," she said simply.

"He sent a message, my lady. It is inside the box," the Antivan said.

Lucy nodded mutely. Closing the box, grasping the amulet, she turned toward the stairs. "I'm going to retire early, Varel. I'm not feeling well." She nearly stumbled on the first step. Her tread was heavy as she climbed the stairs.

Varel watched her a moment then turned to Anders. "What is it? Is she ill?"

Anders frowned, wondering if he should say anything. Surely Varel could be trusted to be discrete. "I think she just had word that someone very close to her has died."

"Maker's mercy," Varel said, shaking his head. "That woman has been through enough, hasn't she?"

Anders nodded gravely. "She has. I'll go up and make sure she's all right."

He followed up her up the stairs, a pace behind at first, then when he was afraid she might fall, he walked beside her, and arm around her middle to hold her up. She said nothing, just stared at her feet, as if willing them to take the next step, and then the next. When they came to her door she just stopped, so he opened it and she went in.

Anders guided her to her bedroom and got her seated on a sofa where she sat, seemingly unaware of her surroundings. The room was cold so he went to the fireplace and built up a fire.

She stirred a little, as if brought back by the warmth. "Thanks," she mumbled.

"Just sit still, Lucy, I'll get some hot tea brought up." He scurried out the door and flagged down the closest servant and asked for hot tea, chamomile, hops and valerian for their soothing properties, and some light snacks. Then he dashed back and found Lucy hadn't left the sofa.

"I need to see my son," she said. Then she gasped and tears flowed for the first time. "Zevran never met him." She sobbed so hard they started to sound like hiccups.

Anders sat beside her and wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into him. "I'm so sorry, Lucy." He felt a crushing guilt. Her lover's death was his gain. Now there was nothing, well… little, to stand in the way of their own budding relationship. So why did it feel so terrible? Of course, it was a devastating loss to the woman he… he cared for a great deal. Now he just wanted to do whatever he could to console her. He was terrible at this sort of thing. Should he give her privacy or stay with her?

Lucy burrowed her face into his shoulder and cried. "I miss him. Oh, Maker. I have missed him so much. Now he isn't coming back. I didn't deserve him."

"Shush, Lucy, don't say that," he tried to calm her.

Eventually the sobbing subsided and she straightened up, rubbing her eyes with her hands. "I'll be okay. I should take a bath and then see Daniel. He can't see me like this." The mention of her son's name seemed to strengthen her.

"I should go then," he offered.

"No!" She pulled away sounding almost panicky at the thought of being alone. "I mean… can you go to the sitting room and leave the door open? Talk to me." She wrapped her arms around her torso and shivered. "I don't want to be alone."

He leaned over her and kissed her forehead gently. "I'll do whatever you need me to do. I'm not going anywhere, Lucy."

At that moment there was a polite knock at her door and a servant bustled in with snacks and the hot tea Anders ordered. He had her set it down by the bathtub and he poured a cup for Lucy. "Drink that. Doctor's orders, this time."

She picked up the mug and took a sip while he walked into the sitting room. From there, he heard the sound of the tub filling from her hands. "Talk, Anders," her voice floated out to him.

"All right." What about? "Do you want to talk about him? You could tell me about him."

"No. I can't yet… Just tell me about your childhood."

"Oh right. Well, I was born at a very young age…" Hmmm… stupid jokes are probably not appropriate either. "In the Anderfels, actually. We lived there until I was about five, I think. Then my parents emigrated to Ferelden."

"Why?" Lucy asked.

"The Anderfels is a lousy place for farming and my parents were farmers. Even after hundreds of years much of the land was still blighted. They eat a lot of fish and game there. There are places that seemed to endure the Blight better. Really ancient forests, for instance. Although the darkspawn burnt down a lot of them. They're not terribly appreciative of nature, are they?"

He heard Lucy splashing as she washed herself. "No," she answered. "They suck."

"Yes. Yes, they do. Anyway, my parents moved us to Ferelden and we bought a little farm. We were pretty happy and prospering. All that good kind of stuff. Until my magic manifested, then things got rocky." As he was telling the story he realized it was a particularly poor story to tell right now. It did not have a happy ending.

"Ah!" he said. "I just remembered a far better story. We convinced some of the apprentices we could hex them with donkey ears. Of course, we couldn't, but we had some of them convinced we could. It was one of my more elaborate pranks."

Anders prattled on about some of the better times at the tower and listened as she washed and made sparse comments on his stories. He hoped she didn't take too long, he didn't have all that many stories like these. They tended to either become depressing or else salacious.

"All right, come back in, Anders." She was dressed in a simple gown and was drying her hair with one of those fluffy towels she loved so well.

"May I braid your hair?" he asked. "I used to do it for my mother."

She turned to look at him, her eyes brimming with tears. "He liked doing it, too."

"I won't if…"

"No. Do it." She turned her back to him and threw the towel aside.

He picked up her comb and pulled it carefully through her wet hair. Then he divided it into segments at the top of her crown. He concentrated on it, his fingers remembering old patterns. He would do the Orlesian braid his mother preferred to wear. Halfway through it, he saw her shoulders were shaking ever so slightly.

He stopped. "Lucy? Are you all right?"

"It just seems wrong to replace him… Too soon." Her voice was choked with sobs again.

"Do you want me to go?" He resumed braiding her hair and got the last of it neatly put into place. He picked up the leather strip she used to tie it off and twisted it around the end, tying it deftly.

She turned around and looked at him sadly. "Yes. I can't… it feels wrong."

Anders picked up her hands and held them in his own. "It's all right. I understand. The time isn't right for us." His heart felt like it was made out of lead with the admission. "You know where I am when it is time. I'll be here for you, as a friend, or whatever you need."

She nodded. "I know. Thank you, Anders."

He dropped her hands and turned away. He could hear her sobs as he left her room and pulled the door shut behind him. Her sadness had infected him. There was something more he could do for her, he thought. He could make certain she didn't have nightmares tonight.

~o~o~o

Notes: Sorry for the long absence; I got swept into another computer game, Skyrim. I have all kinds of Skyrim stories brewing in my mind. However, this story always draws me back because I love the characters so much. Rest assured, I will finish it. It's all sketched out in my brain, except when the characters do unexpected things.

My beta-reader, Biff McLaughlin, said she hates me because this is a sad chapter. However, despite that, I love her for beta-reading for me, and being a good Internet buddy. I also appreciate Zevgirl's input and support.

Thanks for reading, and please review! I enjoy them very much. If you're an anonymous reviewer, consider making a log-in so I can reply to you when you have questions.