The Things Nick Banned Us to Do

Another paired chapter of two of my fav agents! I totally see these two as Smash Bros... well Bro and Sis. They're so freaking awesome!

Anyways, I have good news! Next chapter is the last chapter, but it's the chapter everyone has been requesting and waiting for! *DRUMROLL*

IT'S FOR NICK FURY! WHOOO!

So celebrate and go on and read about the two agents we all know and love...!

14 - Phil Coulson and Maria Hill

1. Phil isn't allowed to prove how big of a Cap fan he is.

"I can't believe you, Wanda. Why in the world would you do that to your twin?"

"Natasha, he shouldn't have been picking from my plate. I don't joke about my food."

The group entered into the den, Friday clicking on the lights for them. They were busy discussing what happened at the restaurant. Apparently, Pietro wanted some of Wanda's pasta and picked off her plate. In turn, she spelled him. And it was Clint who suffered mostly. Pietro's love for him increased tenfold and Clint was generally molested and kissed in front of a crowd of people. It got worse when Pietro got him on his lap and tried to push it further. Thankfully, Steve managed to knock him out.

So Bucky carried the speedster home while Thor had a passed out and flustered Clint.

Now here they were... not noticing the new look of the room.

"It was very immature, Wanda.", Steve scowled, much like a mother would to her child. Wanda frowned. "I'm sorry. I won't do that again."

"You better. You're not too old to be grounded."

The magic user nodded in understanding. She sighed, flopping down on the couch. The feel and color of it caught her attention. Wanda looked at it, gasping at its appearance. "Umm... guys?" The group turned, finally catching the couch's appearance. "Oh my word.", Natasha gasped. The couch was a bright blue with white stars. The pillows were red and white striped. "What...?", Bucky muttered. Steve looked around the room and gasped, recognizing the pictures and signature colors spread across the room.

"Oh my... is that... me?"

Everywhere were pictures of the famous Captain America, in and out of uniform. Also from recent times and before he went into ice. Three large posters that completely covered the windows had him in battle, one of them standing with the other five Avengers, during the Chituari battle.

The furniture and other objects were covered in red, white, and blue. Even the walls was painted in the colors. Tony growled. "Who the hell did this?!"

Sam walked over to a red envelope laying on the newly decorated coffee table. He flipped it over to read the address. "Steve, it's for you, buddy.", he said, handing the slightly taller the red paper. Steve opened it, pulling out a small note and reading its contents.

"Hope you like the new room. Took about two hours to do, but totally worth it! From your biggest fan! Also, tell Tony to never taunt me about being "obsessed" with you. I'm a fan, not some stalkerish high school girl. If I was so obsessed you wouldn't have been a virgin when Thor took you. And you two wouldn't be together. Just saying."

Steve looked up to see Tony fuming like crazy, his face red with anger. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL PHIL!"

2. Maria isn't allowed to make bets with Natasha and Pepper anymore.

The brunette stood between two redheads, watching the movement around the HQ. Some were busy tracking down any harmful activity, some were training on the field grounds, some were even brewing coffee. But it was one scene that caught their attention.

Sam had just landed in from testing out his new wings. Steve and Bucky had walked over to him to see how he did, the brunet soldier rubbing his arms and kissing his cheek.

"Hmmm... you think they done it yet?"

Pepper and Natasha exchanged looks before eyeing Maria. She turned and noticed. "What?"

"Just an 'out-of-the-blue' question?", Nat teased a little. Maria just shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, it's obvious that they have to be dating just how obvious that science is a turn-on for Tony and Pietro has a thing for Clint in tight clothing."

"Well, they are dating. Steve actually pushed it."

"Yup. But just wondering if they actually had sex.", Maria finished. She continued to watch the couple interact. Bucky had swept Sam off his feet, carrying him out the room. Maria smirked, an idea coming to her head. "I bet twenty dollars they haven't had sex." Pepper had finally made a sound, which was a scoff. "I bet thirty they have." Natasha crossed her arms. "I bet twenty-five bucks they haven't, and when they do... it will be in a week from now."

"Well, if they haven't, I bet they'll do it within three days."

"You're so on, Maria!", Pepper said. The three women shook hands and went their separate ways.

It was the very next day when they found out Sam and Bucky haven't had sex. Thor had boasted about satisfying Steve, by accident, the next morning while eating Poptarts when they noticed the long scratches on his shirtless back. Sam had made a face, commenting it was too much info for his virgin ears. In turn, Pepper had asked if he was one, and got a shy answer of yes. Of course, the redhead CEO was disappointed that she owed Nat and Maria thirty dollars, but it was worth it. She could witness the bet battle between the two.

And both redheads learned that Maria was truly competitive. After a meeting with Nick at the HQ, Maria pulled Bucky to the side and had a talk. "Haven't you seen the way he looks at you, Barnes? Sam looks ready and I'm sure that if you do it just right it was be pleasurable for both of you." Bucky had went on, thinking about it. Soon after Maria had scouted out Sam and gave him the same talk.

Not knowing her plan, the couple went on thinking about her words. It was on the third night when they confronted each other. In seconds, words into pillow-biting. Sam couldn't come out the following morning.

It was then obvious to who won the bet.

Nick had another mission for the team. Sam, Bucky, Thor, Maria and Nat was sent on it. They had rescued another groups of experimental victims from a group of thugs. They got out safe and made it back to the HQ with the people.

"I'm glad we got out alive, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten my twenty-five from Natasha.", Maria said as they went into the meeting room to give their report. Natasha huffed. "You cheated." The brunette laughed. "But they still did it. I won the bet."

"What bet?", Steve asked as he came in the room with Fury and Phil. Maria and Nat chuckled nervously, remembering that who they betted on was in the same room. "Um... just a silly bet.", Nat said. Steve crossed his arms. "Natasha... Maria... what did you bet on?"

Maria sighed. "Fine. Pepper, Natasha, and I had a bet whether or not Bucky and Sam had sex."

"WHAT?! YOU HAD A BET ON MY SEX LIFE?!", Sam shouted. Nick just sighed.

3. Phil should just... stay away from Clint for a while.

Fury had hoped today would go smooth today in the meeting room. He had a lot on his mind about what they had to discuss. Recent missions, the people they rescued, cargo, Stark's new tech system for the computers for the HQ and Hellicarrier. All that good stuff.

He had manila folders in hands, reading the papers in one of them, when he entered the meeting room. For once, it was generally calm. Tony was looking through some plans on his personal tablet while discussing it with Bruce. Steve and Thor was listening to Maria as she talked about the last assignment. Bucky and Sam was talking to each other, in what Nick thought were sane terms. Natasha and Clint were chatting with Phil who was showing them some new designs Tony probably came up with for their weapons and suits.

The only ones that wasn't present was Vision and the Maximoffs.

Nick took a seat at the table, drawing their attention. "Alright. Let's get this show on the road. Stark, how's the system running along?"

"Just fine. Banner and I are still working on some tweets to it. Should be ready in a few days."

"Alright. So the last mission, Hill. Care to elaborate?"

"Well, as you mentioned before, Sir, the thugs were using the hostages as experimental material for their operation."

"What is up with people wanting to use other people for experiments?", Clint blurted. "It's just so wrong."

"And I'm sure that many feel the same way, Barton. Let's continue.", Fury said.

The meeting lasted for about another ten minutes. The group was now dispersed around the group, doing whatever. Clint and Phil was in one corner chatting endlessly about random things. Anybody who known the two long enough knew they were best friends, Phil being Clint's other best friend next to Natasha.

But not everyone knew that.

The Twins and Vision had walked in the room, the female of the enhanced duo going over to join Natasha in talking and nuzzling Steve's stomach. The soldier had began to blush at the attention. Vision had floated, one of the random things he did, over to Thor.

That left Pietro. The speedster had stopped at the doorway when he spotted Phil and Clint. He noticed how close the two was standing, laughing with one another. His eyes narrowed at the scene. 'Doesn't little bird ever learn?', he thought, stepping further into the room. Sam noticed his glare and wondered what was the matter. "Pietro, are you-"

Natasha tapped his shoulder and pointed over to where the Hawk and Agent stood. He mouthed an 'oh' when he began to realize what was happening. "Someone's in trouble."

They watched when Pietro finally snapped when Phil touched Clint's bare shoulder. They saw a blue blur, Phil taking two steps back, and Clint being pushed against a wall. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

Pietro turned to Phil. "This little archer is mine. Hear me? MINE! M-I-N-E!"

Phil just stared at him. "First Thor, now Pietro. What is about me attracts the anger of jealous guys?"

A few feet away, Nick had sighed before walking out the room to get his twelfth cup of coffee. He rather not stay when Pietro had Clint's legs wrapped around him while he kissed the other senselessly.

4. Maria isn't allowed to buy gifts for anyone anymore unless Nick has a say so.

"I HAVE PRESENTS!"

The group looked up from their movie to see Maria walk in with five agent guys carrying various shopping bags. Immediately Clint got up. "Nope. I'm not going through this again."

Maria grabbed him and threw back down in his seat on the couch. "Yes. You're staying."

The archer crossed his arms. When the agent guys left, Maria had began to past out the bags. "Steve, this is for you. Thor had told me some things that might happen during your pregnancy and I thought this might help." The blond soldier looked inside the bag and blushed. "He told you about that?!" When glared at, the thunder wielder paled. "Um..." Steve was giving him that 'You're gonna die or sleep on the couch tonight' look before the brunette agent handed him his second bag. He looked inside and pulled out a blue plaid long body pillow. "A more sane gift. Thanks, Maria."

"You're welcome."

"What the hell is with you girls and buying me strange gifts?!" The group turned to see Clint holding up a pair of handcuffs. "Seriously, Maria?! I'm going to shoot you!"

Pietro smirked, leaning over to Clint and putting an arm around his waist. "Well, looks as if Maria had the right idea." Said agent chuckled. "Oops. Actually this is meant for," She took the handcuffs and switched Sam's bag with them, "Sam. I had something else for you."

Clint opened the bag and saw it to be a dark purple and black leather outfit. "Okay. But this better not be for sex."

"Nope. A new uniform."

Sam looked at the handcuffs in his hands. "Um... is this for...?"

"Yup. I think you and Bucky should explore some things in that department." Sam blushed as Bucky this time placed his arm around his waist. "We're going to definitely explore." The Falcon sighed. "This is so embarrassing."

"At least you didn't get pink gun holsters.", Nat mumbled, holding up said items.

Meanwhile!

"It's official. She's corrupted." Fury could only glare at the pink and purple heart printed eye-patch on his desk.

5. They're not allowed to test out any new equipment or weapons without anyone's say so.

"Run and duck! Run and duck!", Tony blurted as he flew, dodging bullets being shot at him. Sam, below him, huffed. "If that's directed to me because my wing is busted then go fuck yourself, Stark!"

Tony just rolled his eyes behind his helmet. "Just giving some advice!"

Natasha dodged a thug, punching him in the stomach before knocking him out with a swift kick to the face. "Not the time for an agrument, boys.", she reminded as she kicked another dude. She turned in time to see Wanda slam five of the guys with her powers against a wall. "How many more?"

"From where I am? I got to say about twenty more guys. Whatever package he has, it must be really valuable and important for him to have this many guys.", Clint said from his perch. He shot one guy without much of a glance before standing. "Pietro, go find him.", he said through their comm. link. Over it, he heard a chuckle. "Oh? Is that an order, my bird?"

"Don't make me shoot you in the legs."

"Okay!" One the other side of the building, Pietro ran through the halls, finding any room where their villain could be hiding. It took him a while, but he found him. Rushing back to meet the others, he carried him to their rendezvous point. "Alright, I got him.", he announced, placing the other down. The man growled at him. "I'm going to kill you. All of you.", he threatened. Tony sighed. "Yeah. Yeah. Tell to the man that's about to kill you, Levinson."

Said man huffed. Natasha had handcuffed him before looking at him. "Tell us where's all the stolen merchandise is." Levinson just laughed. "Like I would say. You're never going to get it out of me."

"Alright." Nat stepped back, gesturing to Wanda. "Do your thing." Wanda nodded before her eyes brightened into a red. Levinson began to panic, but Wanda got inside his mind. "It's an underground storage room. It's closed by a steel door with a padlock. We're going to need a password."

"Which you're not getting out of me.", Levinson said. Before anyone could retort, there was a whirring sound. "That's not necessary." The group turned to see Maria wielding a rather large firearm. The inside of it was glowing a bright blue. "I got a key."

"Isn't that the new...?", Tony started. Maria nodded. "Yup!"

"I told her it hasn't been tested yet!", Bruce shouted as he jogged up. Maria began to go inside the building, finding her way to the underground bunker. The group followed her.

"Maria, if Bruce says it hasn't been tested-"

"It will be fine, Clint!", the brunette interrupted. She aimed the gun at the steel door and shot out a blue blast when the group found it. Sadly it only left a dent in the door, but some heat roaming through the hall. "Shit. I'm trying another shot."

"No! Try this!" The group turned to see Phil come with a laser cannon gun in his hands with some agents behind him. Bruce gasped. "That hasn't been tested either! Coulson, don't-!"

Too late. Phill shot the laser weapon, making a deep cut in the door. "Hm. How about we try shooting them both at the same time?" Maria nodded. "Let's!"

"NO! DON'T DO IT!" Again, he was ignored. Phil and Maria aimed at the door and fired.

Later at the HQ!

"What the hell happened?" The group walked into the building, all covered in dust and ash with bruises. Some of their hair looked burnt, too. Even Tony's armor was covered and dented. Wanda coughed, letting out a dusty puff of air. "Maria... Phil... untested weapons...", she wheezed.

Fury looked at the said agents. "Eager?"

"Itching for it, boss.", they answered.

6. They're not allowed to have anything sugary before meetings.

Fury looked about the room, noticing that Phil and Maria weren't present at the moment. "Hm. Wonder where they could be."

"I saw them last in the kitchen, Director. Something about bringing some refreshments.", Thor commented, placing his hand on Steve's stomach. Fury shrugged. "Alright. Well, while we wait, let's talk about-"

BOOM!

The group turned to see Phil and Maria standing at the door, bright smiles on their faces and cups of coffee in their hands. "WE'RE HERE!", they announced. Fury groaned. "Don't tell me..."

"What's up, Director N.F.?", Maria asked, flopping down on his lap and rubbing his head. "Is your morning going swell?"

"It was."

"Well, it's about to get even better!", Phil shouted. He ran over to Steve and nuzzled his hair. "You're my favorite person ever.", he admitted. Steve chuckled nervously while Thor didn't look amused at all. "I believe I am." The agent giggled before going over to Clint, Pietro already in his possessive mood. "Guess what?" The archer sighed, leaning back in his chair. "What, Phil?"

"You're my best friend. I like you. But your quick ass boyfriend, not so much. He yelled at me thinking I'm trying to steal you. Trust me, if I wanted you, I would have had you long ago. We would be married by now."

Pietro was about to retort to that, but Maria jumped on the table. "We should totally have a singing contest! Bruce, you go first!" Said doctor yelped. "What? Me? Maria, that's not a good idea. I can't sing!"

"A lot of peeps believe they can't. But they turn out to be awesome singers! Now get up here! Stark, play that funky music!" Stark stood. "Okay, what the hell did you two have?", he asked. Phil, back to nuzzling Steve's hair, answered. "Well, we had some extra sugar in our coffees and then we ate some of these cookies we found in the fridge. They had a note with them. Um... I don't remember what it said though."

Maria suddenly gasped. She pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket and slammed it on the table. Which made everyone jump. She then sipped her coffee and began to read the note. "Uh... to the Agents of Shield. I made these cookies for you all to enjoy. Please be courteous of others and take only one or two. Steve Rogers."

Everyone turned to said blonde. "No wonder why they're fucking hyper! They ate your cookies! First, Loki! Now, Hill and Coulson! What the hell do you put in those cookies?! Drugs?!", Fury exclaimed. Steve glared at him, hormonal changes kicking in. "Director, as the ancient Tibetan philosophy states: don't start none, won't be none."

"A Tibetan philosopher said that?", Natasha questioned. "Let's Google it!", Phil suggested, taking Bucky's laptop from him. That made the Winter Soldier upset since he enjoying a game of Solitaire. "Hey! Coulson, give me back from fucking laptop! I was winning that game!"

Everyone began to question the baking of Steve's cookies and the true amount of sanity of Maria and Phil.

So I threw in a reference in there. It was another character Chris Evans played that said, "As the ancient Tibetan philosophy states: don't start none, won't be none".

Bonus points to those that can guess who! Here's a hint, the dude is NOT, I repeat, NOT in a Marvel movie. NOT IN A MARVEL MOVIE!

Anyways... the next chapter... Nick Fury... last one...

Review!