Chapter fourteen

Ritsuka was ushered into the library and left alone to read the letter. He was told that they would talk later, when Ritsuka was done with the letter. When they finally left him alone, Ritsuka went back to reading the letter, starting on the paragraph Yu had started to read when he took the letter from him.

Before I go on, Ritsuka, I would like to tell you that I do love you. I know that I'm not good at saying what I feel, but please believe me. I've lied to you so much, but I swear that everything I write in here is the truth. I didn't lie about anything in here. So, I love you. I love you more than anything else. I hope you don't think anything less of me once you've read what's written here.

I suppose I should tell you about my mother and Ritsu's relationship, now. My mother was a Fighter, just like me, and her Sacrifice was Ritsu. They had some sort of a falling out after my mother met my father, though I don't know what about.

I was left to Ritsu, who came to pick me up at the hospital. I was four at the time and I didn't quite understand what happened to my parents. Ritsu rudely told me they were dead and said I was a stupid child for not realizing that. I was taken back to Seven Voices where I was enrolled as a student. Ritsu started training me almost immediately.

You've seen the scars on my back. Whip scars shouldn't last forever, but they do when someone was whipped repeatedly for thirteen years. It started right away, after Ritsu got me to calm down about my parent's death. Once he found out I could read even though I was only four he would make me read aloud from college-level books for hours on end. I had to understand the material, too. He would quiz me afterwards and get angry if I did something wrong. I remember that the whipping started about three months after I started at Seven Voices. It was horrible and I never got used to it. He taught me to be the perfect Fighter and to be able to take pain.

He started teaching me to sexually please someone when I was around nine. He would get turned on from whipping me and I would have to give him oral sex. I hated it even more than I hated the whipping and the advanced things he made me learn.

The school itself wasn't so bad. We learned normal things, as well as fighting. The Fighters and Sacrifices were separated, but I always knew I was different. I never had any friends. I had no social skills and the other kids soon found out that I went to Ritsu's office almost every day, and, as you might imagine, I got made fun of to no end because of it. As a result, I got extremely violent and I isolated myself. I got myself into physical and spell battles, and I won most of them.

Ritsu raped me when I was twelve. He was half-drunk when he did it. He came into my dorm room late at night and woke me up by binding my hands to the bed. He was rough when he did it, and I'm not going to go into any more details. It's been nine years and I still remember the night he took my virginity clearly

It didn't just stop there. It was nearly every day after that, and it made me so confused and depressed that when I was thirteen I refused to talk and my grades dropped excessively. Ritsu nearly gave up on me, then, but I couldn't stand the thought of disappointing him. I hated that he hurt me, but that year just got to the point where he didn't even acknowledge me, and I wanted to be acknowledged, even if it was just a few words. I started talking again and I went back to excelling at school.

I graduated at seventeen at the top of my class. By then, Ritsu had his teachings sealed in my mind and I could never forget them. I had been under the impression that I would become his Fighter, but Ritsu told me he already had one, and that she was dead. I was given to Seimei that day, and that was also the day I figured out that I hated Ritsu and I never wanted to see him again.

Seimei took me into the woods behind Seven Voices that day, to the old, abandon headquarters. He asked me about my relationship with Ritsu and all I could say was that it was a teacher-student relationship. Seimei seemed innocent, at first. He was only fourteen and a lot shorter than I was. I felt dirty—he was a virgin and I was not. He asked me if I wanted him to put his name on me painfully or not. I needed to feel alive; I needed to feel the knife at my neck, carving out the seven letters I would come to identify myself with.

The cuts were deep and the knife blade was cold, but I had never felt so damn alive in my entire life. Seimei looked pleased when he was done, and from there we went back to Tokyo on the train, where he told me to enroll in college and find an apartment. As I mentioned before, my parents left me everything, including their life savings, which was all put into an account until I was ready to handle finances on my own. Ritsu signed the account over to me when I left.

I'm not going to get into a lot of what Seimei and I did and what Seimei did to me because that's all detailed in the records I included. He treated me like a dog, though. I was nothing to him and nothing in his world, and he made sure I knew it. He beat me a lot, not just by whip or knife, but with his bare hands, too. He would hit me and slap me and leave me all alone, only after reminding me that I was trash and could be thrown out at any time.

I hated you at first. Seimei always loved you more. Actually, it was the fact that Seimei loved you that made me mad. I always wanted that. I was jealous. I wanted that love from him, the same love that he gave you. He would kiss you and hold you and whisper sweet words into your ears, and then he would hit me and whip me and yell names and insults until he finally got tired. I just wanted affection from him, but you were in the way.

I got hurt a lot. Seimei not only punished me, but he also reminded me that I was his and he took his anger out on me, too. A lot of the scars he left on me are permanent. I'm not sure if I can ever be 'normal' again. I hope you understand that I don't act the way I do because I want to, it's because that's the way I was trained. I'm trying to be the adult in our relationship, because I know that's what you need, but it's hard for me to after years of being trained to obey and be submissive.

You're so different from Seimei. He would slap me even for talking out of turn or speaking before I was spoken to, but you don't punish me for anything. At first, I wanted you to punish me. Pain, for me, is like some sort of drug. I needed it so that I could feel alive. I'm not sure if I liked it or if it was just addictive and I needed it. When Seimei would hit me or punish me, it was some sort of acknowledgement from him. When he wasn't mad, I would sit by him and he would just ignore me. I used to sometimes displease him just so that he would talk to me. This was what I wanted from you, even though you gave me acknowledgement. That's why I would ask you to punish me whenever you got mad at me. I guess it's what's called a 'self-destructive behavior'.

Then, you showed me something else that made me feel even more alive than pain did. You started to care about me, which was something that was very new to me. You praised me when I did something good and told me it was alright when I messed up, even if it was a big mistake. You never hit me or verbally hurt me. I was confused why. Was I actually good enough for you? Seimei had always told me I wasn't. I realized soon enough that you were absolutely nothing like Seimei and you never wanted to hurt anybody. You made me feel like I was your equal, not someone below you.

I love you and I fear losing you. It's up to you whether or not you want to leave, but if I ever get my memory back I will come looking for you. I hope you have already listened to the recordings on the computer. For the first time in my life, I didn't obey Seimei. He told me to stop teaching you about your memory loss and to leave you, but I just couldn't do it. I wanted to stay with you. You're the only good thing I've had in my life since my parents died. I need you.

Included is a transcript of everything that happened with Seimei, as well as everything that happened between him and I. When you are done reading them, please give them to the Septimal Moon council.

Do not go after Seimei. If you go after him, he will take you, whether you want to go or not. He is the one who set the spell on me and, therefore, is the one who can reverse it the quickest, but he won't. I promise that I will regain my memories eventually, but don't go looking for Seimei just to get it reversed quicker. Seimei will lie to you. Don't believe anything he says. Even if you leave, do this one thing for me. Please. I don't want you in Seimei's hands.

The last thing I have to tell you about is your memory loss and what really happened. I'm terrified to say it, but I think I did it. I'm so sorry. I don't even know what happened, but I think I've figured it out. You must've gotten in the way and found out about Seimei's plans, things that I don't even really know about. Seimei would have ordered me to take your memory and then to take my own.

Maybe this is for the best. I don't know. I can finally get away from Seimei. See, Ritsuka, I don't want to be on his side, but I'm forced to be anyways. That's why I want you to give the transcripts to Septimal Moon. I want him to be arrested. I don't want to belong to him anymore. I want to be with you without the constant threat of Seimei wanting to tear us apart.

I love you, please remember that. I didn't take your memories away by choice. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry about everything, about lying to you, about betraying you, about taking your memory, and about not telling you about all this. Everything. I wish it could be different. I wish I could've met you under better circumstances. I used to think about what it'd be like if I would've met you in grade school. I know we probably wouldn't have become friends, but I still would've fallen in love with you. Under any circumstance I would've fallen in love with you. I just hate that this had to happen.

If you leave, just remember that I love you and I'm sorry.

Love,

Soubi

Ritsuka stared at the letter in his hands, taking time to let it sink in. He read through the pages and pages of reports that Soubi had written, all very specific and accurate-sounding. It was organized in chronological order. The descriptions were graphic and of every single time Soubi had gotten beat. The exact day, the exact reason, and exactly what had happened was included, too, as well as transcripts of conversation between Seimei and Soubi. The conversations were very hard to read, as it was mostly Seimei verbally abusing Soubi. He demeaned him in almost every way possible, saying that he was a horrible artist and that he was dirty and would never deserve Seimei's touch. Soubi's part of the conversations was mainly him either trying to explain himself (if Seimei was accusing him of something) or saying 'yes, master'.

Seimei beat Soubi a lot, even more so than Ritsuka had expected. He constantly whipped him for the smallest of reasons, or slapped him and even hit him. Soubi often commented in his observations and records that Seimei would 'look mad' sometimes before a beating. To Ritsuka, it just seemed like Seimei would look for an excuse to abuse him. Sometimes, he didn't even have an excuse. Half the time, it sounded like Seimei was just displacing his anger on Soubi.

Soubi wrote about the battles fought with Seimei, too, and when he would track and tail and exploit people for Seimei. Seimei would assign him to get all their information and find out their deepest secrets by all means necessary. Seimei hadn't trusted Soubi, though, so he gave him these tasks with little or no explanation. Soubi had pieced together some of what Seimei was doing, though, and said explicitly how wrong it was. Seimei had been skimming money from Septimal Moon's research grants and stealing others' bank accounts to deposit the money into so that he wouldn't get blamed. Soubi explained multiple times that Seimei would do whatever was necessary to get to the top, whether it meant framing people, committing fraud, or even killing.

It was no surprise that Soubi had killed people, but Ritsuka didn't hold him accountable for it. Seimei was the one who ordered him to do it. All Soubi could do was obey, whether he wanted to or not. Soubi wasn't the murderer, Seimei was.

Also included were Soubi's bank account information, as well as a few signed release forms, granting Ritsuka and Kio access to all his records, insurance, and accounts. He included a few notes for Ritsuka on how to manage them, but Ritsuka was willing to leave finances solely to Kio.

Ritsuka's ears twitched as he heard footsteps coming down the hall. He hoped that it wasn't more kids. He didn't want to deal with another incompetent teenager, not when he needed time to think and miss Soubi. After this, he had decided, there would be no more missing Soubi before he lost his memories. That was living in the past. He would think about Soubi, but try his hardest not to miss him. Besides, there wasn't an 'old' Soubi or a 'new' Soubi. Losing his memories would make him different, but he was still Soubi.

Ritsuka looked up as he heard the doors to the library open to see Ritsu. He had never known anything about the older man until he had discovered the phone conversations between him and Soubi. He didn't ever expect that this, what Soubi had written, was Ritsu's true nature. Ritsuka had gone from simply not liking him to actually hating him. He considered throwing a book at him, but that wouldn't be fair, since Ritsuka assumed Ritsu was still blind and would not be able to sidestep the incoming throw.

"Are you finished yet?" Ritsu asked, tapping his foot impatiently.

Ritsuka scowled, "Yes, I am. Can I go back home now or do you plan to keep me here and bore me?" He didn't try to hide his anger. Ritsu was the one partially responsible for what happened to Soubi. He was the one who raped him and handed him over to Seimei. He was the first person who abuse Soubi, and Ritsuka would never forgive him for it.

"Soubi-kun used to use the same tone with me," Ritsu sighed.

The bell rung, signifying that Ritsuka had been in the library for hours and school was over. That meant he could see Soubi again. He was hoping that Kio had brought Soubi with to pick him up from school.

"And he had ever right to," Ritsuka told Ritsu, darting past him and out the door with his books and the letter in tow. He disappeared into the stream of kids pushing and yelling, all trying to get out the doors at one time. Since Ritsuka was small, he could easily push past everyone else.

He couldn't help but to break out in smiles when he spotted two familiar men standing at the gates, waiting for him. Ritsuka ran straight for Soubi, jumping at him and throwing his arms around his neck, having never been so happy to see the older man in his life.

"Ritsuka!" Soubi hugged him tightly, obviously happy to see him, too. A lot of things made Soubi happy since he lost his memory, though, which Ritsuka supposed was a good thing. Before, it hadn't been hard to make him happy, but it made Ritsuka sad in a way that a simple thing could make him happy. In the short time that Ritsuka had been living with Soubi, he probably saw him smile more than ever before. If Soubi was happy, then Ritsuka was happy, too.

Ritsuka let go of Soubi, unable to hold onto him without actually having his feet on the ground. Soubi was unnaturally tall and Ritsuka was a bit short for his age, meaning Ritsuka had to jump at him just to wrap his arms around his neck when they were both standing. Ritsuka hoped to grow taller soon so that he could reach Soubi better.

Ritsuka took Soubi's hand, looking up at a smiling Kio. This made his horrible day a lot better. Kio was a parent to him, just like the caring older brother Ritsuka had had at one point and then lost. These two men were his real family. Sure, they weren't related by blood, but what did blood ties even mean? Soubi had blood ties with his only family, his aunt and grandmother, and he had absolutely hated them. Seimei was Ritsuka's brother and they were nothing alike. Ritsuka was ashamed to consider Seimei his brother. Soubi and Kio were his family now, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

"Ritsuka," Kio leaned down, speaking in a low voice. "Isn't that your principal? Why is he waving you over?"

Ritsuka looked back, seeing his own principal franticly waving Ritsuka over to him. Ritsu stood next to him, again accompanied by Nagisa. "We need to get out of here," Ritsuka said to Kio, not waiting for a reply. He pulled Soubi outside the gate, praying that Ritsu and the others wouldn't follow.

"I think you should really—"

"No," Ritsuka cut Kio off. "I'll explain when we get home."

It was taboo to tell a normal, regular person about Fighters and Sacrifices. This was the unspoken rule, one that Ritsuka had just known as soon as he experienced his first spell battle. It was obvious that it was all some huge secret, one that even the government was involved in keeping. The government knew about them, Ritsu had explained when Ritsuka went to visit him just before leaving Seven Voices, but they had a contract with the government. They were not allowed to use the Fighters and Sacrifices for any military service, and the Septimal Moon council promised to keep the secret and keep the public from any sort of harm from the units.

He was shocked that Soubi had never told Kio, though. They were best friends. Kio deserved to know, and Ritsuka was going to tell him, whether he would get in trouble or not. He needed to know so that he could help Ritsuka, especially if Seimei ever paid them a 'visit'.

Hours later, Ritsuka was in the kitchen, making dinner. Kio was at the table, staring at the wall, blankly stirring his tea, just as he had been for the past fifteen minutes. Ritsuka had finished explaining everything to him to the best of his ability, and Kio seemed to understand and accept it all, but what hit him the hardest was when Ritsuka had mentioned how it wasn't accepting to beat a Fighter, which was what Seimei did to Soubi. He showed Kio the letter and the records, and he had read it, but hadn't said a word since.

Soubi was sitting on the couch, looking at a book Ritsuka showed him earlier. He appeared to be trying to read it, but he currently had it turned upside-down. Ritsuka was attempting to cook from a recipe he found in a kitchen drawer, one that was handwritten by Soubi. It was too bad that he had short-handed it.

While Ritsuka cooked and waited for Kio to say something, Ritsuka noticed a few post-it notes on the refrigerator and on the cabinets. He had gotten used to the frequent notes around the house, so he didn't really notice them anymore. Soubi could be quite forgetful at times, a trait he probably got from his mother (according to his description of her). He wrote notes to himself so that he could remember to do things or go to his classes when the times got switched. The Zero boys always had fun tearing up his notes to tick Soubi off. This one was a reminder written the day of Soubi's attack to pick up a package at the post office.

I'll have to go pick that up, Ritsuka made a mental note to do that soon.

"I always knew there was something wrong," Ritsuka barely heard Kio mutter. Ritsuka glanced at him, frowning. Kio went on, pulling at a lock of hair on the back of his head, "It wasn't just that Seimei would beat him. There was something in the way that Seimei would talk to him, how he wouldn't let him speak unless spoken to. I thought that maybe Soubi was involved in something where that was accepted, but I guess not…I could've done something…"

"No, you couldn't have," Ritsuka stated, draining the spaghetti. "There was no way you could've helped him."

Ritsuka watched Soubi instead of looking at Kio, seeing that he had the book sideways and was looking at the picture on that page. He had made the decision to not tell Soubi anything about Seimei, out of fear that he would remember something. If anything, he was just going to show him a picture and introduce him as his brother.

"Ritsuka!" Soubi called. He held up the book, grinning. "Read!"

"I'll read to you after dinner," Ritsuka shook his head, amused. He had already read to Soubi twice after coming home. His liking of books hadn't changed at all. Ritsuka made another mental note to pick up some picture books at the library.

Later, Kio fell asleep on Natsuo and Youji's bed, snoring so loudly that Ritsuka could hear him all the way in the bathroom. Soubi seemed sleepy, too, as he nearly fell asleep in the bathtub. Ritsuka kept him up by talking to him, telling him about Yuiko and Yayoi. Luckily, Ritsuka only got splashed once for spacing out.

Soubi apparently remembered Ritsuka telling him that he would read to him after dinner, because he brought the book from earlier to him immediately after getting dressed. Ritsuka couldn't help but to give in. He was exhausted himself, after a long day of being chased by his teachers, Yuiko, and Septimal Moon when all he wanted to do was read his letter. It was nice to spend a little time with just Soubi and nobody else to bother them.

Ritsuka wrapped his arms around Soubi's neck as he climbed into bed with him, kissing his soft lips gently. The older man abandoned the book he was holding to grasp Ritsuka's hair, discovering the feel of it. His fingers moved upwards, finding a kitten ear and pausing before taking a hold of it and tugging lightly. Ritsuka pulled away, narrowing his eyes in thought as Soubi continued to play with both his kitten ears, a look of pure wonderment on his face. Soubi pulled his hands away suddenly, placing them on his own head, clearly looking for his kitten ears.

"No, Soubi," Ritsuka couldn't help but to feel sad. "You…you're not…" You're not a virgin. Soubi wasn't dirty because he had lost his ears. Soubi had been forced into sexual activity by both his teacher and Seimei, who had also sexually abused him. It wasn't his fault, which was why it made Ritsuka so sad to see him so innocent and yet tainted physically still by Ritsu and Seimei.

Soubi just smiled again, reaching forward to rub Ritsuka's ears again, even drifting down further to touch his tail. Ritsuka picked up the book, one that he had found at the school library earlier. Of course. It was about cats. That was the reason why Soubi was so entranced with his cat appendages. Ritsuka had gotten the book for Soubi when he was between classes just before he opened the letter. Soubi had always loved cats, anyways, and Ritsuka often saw him feeding some stray cats just outside the apartment complex.

Soubi noticed the book and was reminded that he wanted to be read to, "Ritsuka, read!"

"Yes, Soubi," Ritsuka didn't care that Soubi hadn't asked. It actually pleased him. It meant that none of his training was retained at all, which was the way Ritsuka wanted things.

Ritsuka opened the book, beginning to read out loud to Soubi, who had made himself comfortable with a head on Ritsuka's chest. He fell asleep towards the end of book, and Ritsuka turned out the light, staring up at the ceiling, listening to Kio's loud snoring from the other room. This was really all he had ever wanted: to have someone who loved him, to have a family, and for Soubi to be happy. For some reason, everything just felt so right.

For the first time in weeks, Ritsuka fell asleep peacefully and with no idea of what was to come.

I really wanted to get this chapter up quickly because I felt bad about the last chapter being short and having to cut the letter in two. As a result, this chapter is unbeta-ed and I have discovered the conscience I never thought I had.

I just want to point out that I think Soubi's explanation about pain makes sense. A lot of people seem to think that he's a masochist, but I personally think that punishment was the only sort of acknowledgment he got from Seimei so he associates that with being noticed. Sorry, I know I'm a bit confusing.

anyways, thanks to Lyrica, Lovelessreviewer, bigmachine, lolita, Lumeton, DarkAngelJudas, Promocat, Animaluvr4life, InnocentUke97, Tamer Lorika, Tlcatlady, and Riaries for reviewing! I don't know how to thank you guys enough! You all really keep me motivated!

Review for moar! Also, the poll is still up if you haven't voted already!

~Wolfie