Perfect Match

by Beutelmaus

His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn’t as easy as it seems. AkuRoku main, Soriku and Zemyx side pairings, mentioning of Cleon. Boylove. You have been warned.

14. Chapter 13

Summary: His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

Warnings: Yaoi. Mentioning of rape and abuse.

Pairings: AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

Disclaimer: Hm, no. They still are property of Square Enix and Disney.

Chapter Dedication: To Riku-Stalker, who turned seventeen this week! Yay! Again, happy b-day, Sweetie! And to Kuraieshi, who took time to beta this chapter in between packing her stuff, because she's moving from England to Denmark! And she keeps drawing scenes from my ficcie... Awezome! You rock my world, Darling!!

Thanks to: Of course everyone who reviewed! Yes, I'm going to do that here from now on... Well, I appreciate every single review I get, and of course I want to thank all of you who reviewed, guys, you rock! I can't believe I get new reviewers every chapter still! Well, here are the new ones: Shebakune, Girlie's Royal Ed, Varlen, AishanuSoma, Tinnerzs, AichanKitsune, Blades of Silver, Arctic Rabbit, Jizabel Disraeli, FallenxStar, ellegurl, raikouinazuma, xxjust-a-nobodyxx, brianmandingo, Itooshi, rawker-demyx, Tene, Bluumberry, Stoned-2-Panda, Carli-Chan

And once again I hope I didn't forget anyone... Oh god, the new ones are getting more and more each chapter! o.O BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I FORGOT ALL OF YOU WHO WEREN'T MENTIONED HERE!!! I only write the new reviewers in each chapter, please don't feel left out, I'm sure you were mentioned in one of the former chapters. It's just... I'm too lazy to write all names here every chapter. There. I said it. Too fricken lazy! The names are getting too many! I mean, look at that! Those are only the ones who never reviewed before! I got almost 50 reviews last chapter! Isn't that awesome?

Oh well. Enjoy!

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Perfect Match - Chapter 13

Sora's hand felt cold. But that didn't really surprise Roxas, because his own hands were so cold he couldn't really feel his fingers anymore. But he didn't dare to let go of Sora's shaking hand, fearing he would break down if he did.

They were sitting in the living room of a small house they had learned the four boys lived in. Riku was sitting in a comfy chair on the other side of a small glass table, looking out of a window. Zexion and Demyx had gone upstairs, Zexion trying to comfort Demyx the best he could. Demyx hadn't stopped crying the whole way to the house.

Roxas still felt dazed, not believing what Riku had told them.

They had been raped... almost killed... by Riku's older brothers? He knew what the words meant, but he still wasn't able to fully grasp their meaning. If that made any sense at all.

Sora, who was sitting next to him, was staring into space, obviously still as shocked as Roxas himself. He was pale and his hand was clutching Roxas' icy fingers tightly, shaking badly. He looked as if he was about to pass out, blinking slowly every now and then, his breathing erratic and strangely choppy, cerulean eyes glazed over, not really seeing anything.

Roxas forced himself to look up when he heard Zexion coming back again. The blue haired boy looked close to tears himself now, but he held them back. As did Riku.

"Do you want something to drink?" Zexion asked quietly, looking at Sora and then Roxas.

Sora didn't even react to his voice, just his hand holding Roxas' twitched a bit.

"Yes, please," Roxas answered, surprised at how normal his own voice sounded. Zexion nodded and walked away again, once again leaving them with Riku, who now turned his head to look at them, his aquamarine eyes unusually dark. He didn't say anything, just stared at Sora, who didn't even seem to acknowledge him.

Zexion came back, placing two glasses of water in front of the twins. Roxas thanked him politely. Zexion nodded again, taking a seat next to Riku and sighing deeply.

"I guess..." Riku finally said, obviously feeling horribly uncomfortable. At the sound of his voice Sora looked up, gazing at the silver haired boy sadly. Riku looked away, not being able to meet Sora's gaze. "I guess we owe you the whole story now. Are... are you sure... you want to hear it?"

Roxas and Sora looked at each other, staring into the other's eyes for a while. They both felt unsure how to answer this question. They had wanted to know what was wrong with the four boys for so long now, but now...

Sora looked back at Riku first, a look of determination on his face. He nodded, with tears welling up in his eyes, sniffing quietly.

Roxas looked at Riku too, seeing the other boy looking even more miserable than before. He pulled his brother closer, laying an arm around Sora's trembling shoulders comfortingly, smiling weakly at Riku.

"I want to hear it too," he answered, feeling his voice growing weaker and weaker. "I need to know... to know what happened to Axel. I need to know what I did to hurt him. And why what I did frightened him so much."

"It really wasn't your fault," Zexion said softly, resting his chin in the palm of his hand, gazing at them with his one seeing eye. "You didn't know what happened. You didn't know kissing him would affect him so much."

"I shouldn't even have tried..." Roxas whispered. "He... he didn't want it, I knew that..."

"But it happened," Zexion replied, sighing again and rubbing his temple briefly. "There's nothing we can do about it now. Other than... try to make you understand why he acted like he did."

Roxas nodded, feeling tears welling up in his own eyes. Now Sora's arm sneaked around his waist, squeezing him gently. It comforted him a little. If his brother had not been with him... Roxas didn't think he would be able handle this...

For a while nobody spoke. The silence was deafening, terrible, yet no one dared to break it.

"It was my brothers," Riku finally spoke up, his voice sounding oddly hollow and hurt at the same time, the same way his eyes appeared now. "My four older brothers. Sephiroth, Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz. All of them are crazy, cruel bastards." He laughed quietly, mirthlessly, a horrible sound that made Sora sob quietly. "I was... 'raised' isn't really the right word... kept alive by them since I was very young. My mother died giving birth to me, my father... died three years later. Officially we were taken care of by our uncle and aunt after he died; in fact we never really saw them... Sephiroth, who was fourteen when our father died, just... just told them we were fine by ourselves. Uncle and Aunt didn't really care, and they always believed Sephiroth, since he was always so... mature... so they left it all to him, only providing money for us. Seph did all the 'grown-up'-stuff." He sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a short moment. When he continued, a slight tremor crept into his voice.

"My brothers blamed me for the death of our mother. They hated me for it. They had adored Mother, almost religiously so, and she died because of me... They never forgave me for being born. They... were kids themselves when she died; Sephiroth was the eldest, eleven at that time... Loz and Yazoo were eight, Kadaj seven. Kadaj had adored Mother most. He... he hated me the most too, but the others weren't really any better. Sephiroth kept telling them it was my fault, and they were all too willing to believe it. They... they abused me. At... at first they only hit me... but..." He hugged himself, pulling his knees up to his chest in an attempt to curl up against the world, against the memories.

His eyes were glued to the floor while he spoke, voice kept low and almost emotionless while horrible words came out of his fast moving mouth. He seemed to spit the words out, to force himself to explain as fast as possible, as if he was afraid he wouldn't be able to talk anymore if he stopped once...

"I wasn't allowed to go outside until I was six. They locked me up in a room, sometimes for days, only gave me enough to eat and drink to survive, and they only let me survive because Sephiroth said I had to live so they could punish me. Sephiroth decided he would let me go to school when I was six, of course only to show me how much better the other kids were. Kids who hadn't killed their mother. His mind worked twisted like that. He wanted to show me other kids weren't beaten, because they didn't kill Mother. Other kids got toys and... and presents, because they didn't kill Mother. Other kids were hugged and kissed and loved, because they didn't kill Mother. Other kids didn't deserve to be punished, punched, hit, kicked, pushed down the stairs, locked up in a closet, they didn't deserve to have their head crashed against the wall so they couldn't see or think or move properly anymore for days, or to have their wrists cut open and be left to bleed to death... because they didn't kill Mother!"

Riku curled up even more, eyes staring into nothingness, dull and lifeless. It was horrible to see him like this, and this empty gaze reminded Roxas so much of Axel's eyes when the redhead had tried to choke him... He shuddered, hugging Sora closer, feeling Sora squeeze him back gently.

"The... the only reason I survived so long was... Cloud," Riku continued shakily, a small smile now lighting up his pale face. Roxas and Sora exchanged a surprised look, thinking of their P.M. teacher.

"Cloud? You... you mean... Mr. Strife?" Sora asked timidly. Riku nodded.

"He's my cousin," he explained quietly, chuckling softly when he noticed the twins' disbelieving looks. "Yes, our mothers were sisters. He's only two years younger than Sephiroth, and he was often at our house before my mother died... Afterwards he didn't come over as much anymore. Until my father died and my brothers started to 'punish' me. He saved my life more often than I can count. My brothers never dared to fight him, because Sephiroth... he was infatuated with Cloud, to say the least. So he never tried to hurt Cloud, and my other brothers feared Sephiroth too much to stand up against Cloud. Not that they would have stood a chance against him, because he never was a pushover. He may look a bit fragile, but he's really strong. I think he would have been able to beat up even Sephiroth... Anyway, Cloud often rescued me when they had punished me, like this one time when... when..." Riku paused, rubbing the inside of his left wrist with his other hand thoughtfully. "You know, Sephiroth never wanted me to die, because then they wouldn't be able to punish me anymore, but Kadaj... Kadaj hated me so much, he even disobeyed Sephiroth's orders and tried to kill me once. He got Yazoo and Loz to hold me down, and then he cut open my wrist. Yazoo and Loz laughed about it, only told him to wrap the wound up so I wouldn't die, and then they walked away. They left me alone with him, and Kadaj didn't think about trying to save me. He continued to hold me down while I grew weaker and weaker, telling me how he would love seeing the life drain from me... like it had from Mother..."

Riku paused for a while, closing his eyes, causing first tears to fall. He took a deep breath and continued to speak, his voice growing more distressed as he told them about what his brothers had done.

"C-Cloud found us like that, I was already dizzy and close to passing out because I had lost so much blood... so... much..." He shook his head quickly, silver hair flying around his head, and then fisted both hands in the silky strands, barely holding back a sob. "K-Kadaj was grinning at me the whole time; he was savoring my cries, the tears... Cloud pulled him off me, picked me up and carried me all the way to the nearest hospital. I was five at that time. I didn't dare to tell the people there what had happened, so I told them I had done it myself because I had been clumsy or something... Cloud tried to tell them Kadaj had done it, but of course Sephiroth came to the hospital and defended Kadaj, and they chose to believe him and me rather than Cloud. Cloud's parents, who adored Sephiroth and never believed Cloud when he told them what my brothers did to me, told him not to tell such lies anymore, and he was furious... I thought he hated me too now, but one day he came over again, sneaked into my room and told me I should run away when they tried to hurt me again. He told me I could hide at his house whenever I needed to and gave me a key to their house that he had stolen. He... really was the only friend I had."

Riku paused again, taking another deep breath to calm himself down.

"After that... my brothers were more careful. They never left me and Kadaj alone for one. And they were careful not to leave evidence of the abuse. They were careful to tend my wounds and bruises so they wouldn't leave marks or scars. And when I started to go to school they only hurt me where they could hide the injuries with my clothing. I never dared to show my injuries to my teachers or... or anybody else, besides Cloud. He told me again and again I should talk to an adult about this, but I was too scared... And he couldn't do anything, because his parents didn't believe him at all, they downright hated him, and they always told him he should act more like Sephiroth... one time they even told him they'd rather have Sephiroth as their son than him. Well, I went to school, but I never tried to speak to other children, I never dared to play with them, never dared to touch them because I was scared they would hurt me like my brothers did. I guess I was an odd child, I barely talked, some of my classmates and teachers actually thought I wasn't able to... And the fact I didn't want them to touch me just added to my reputation as the 'Weird kid'. Sometimes I wonder... why nobody ever guessed something was wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder why... why something like this could happen in a city like Hollow Bastion. Where the authorities were when my brother tried to kill me, why nobody came to check on four young boys who had lost their parents... why... why they never even checked if our aunt and uncle really cared for us properly." He paused for a moment, lips pressed together in a thin line, eyes hard and hurt. "Whatever... Back at home Sephiroth changed his methods... Sometimes he was nice to me now, even helped me with my homework, just to... to think about even more cruel ways to torture me. He... he told me things... He... he told me... he had killed our father... because he had dared to infect Mother with a deadly disease, me... I still don't know if it's true. I... I don't doubt he would have been able to, even at age fourteen..."

Sora clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle a loud sob, causing Riku to flinch and look up at him.

"Yes, that's my brothers. Cloud was the only reason I survived, really... but then... then he was gone one day. His parents told me he had run away, but they didn't really seem to be sad about it... And... and a month later I... I..." Riku swallowed thickly, his breathing suddenly growing labored and hectic. "I found... found... Cloud... in our own house!" He screamed the last words, hiding his face in his hands, but still he kept on telling them, his voice now sounding shrill, lost and terrified. "S-Sephiroth's infatuation seemed to b-be more than that, h-he was obsessed by the wish to... to possess Cloud. He was jealous that Cloud always came to see me, and he hated me even more because of it... and... and his feelings for Cloud changed too, h-he... he... Oh God..." Riku sobbed once, loudly, still not daring to look up. "I... I h-heard noises coming from the basement, and I went down, and... t-the door was open and... I... I saw Sephiroth... raping Cloud! His own cousin! Cloud's hands were tied, he c-couldn't defend himself, h-he just lay there... crying, but he didn't utter a sound, h-he didn't scream, while... Sephiroth did... did things to him..." Riku's voice broke, and he stopped talking altogether, crying into his hands quietly.

Sora broke away from Roxas to jump up and rushing to Riku's side, embracing the silver haired boy without saying anything. Riku flinched away from his touch, tried to shove him away, but Sora held onto him tightly, tears streaming down his face. Riku couldn't resist him for long, soon his shoulders slumped and he hugged Sora back, crying like a lost child.

Zexion and Roxas watched them, Zexion sad and thoughtful, Roxas shocked and horrified.

He couldn't believe it. How could anybody do something like this to their own brother? He wasn't the perfect brother himself, and he knew some things he did hurt Sora... but even when he did those things he could barely stand the thought of Sora being mad at him, and he could never even think about hurting his brother like this!

He watched as Sora kissed away tears from Riku's face, the silver haired teen shying away from him again. Sora didn't say anything, just smiled sadly, resting his forehead against Riku's, and closing his eyes.

"Sorry," he breathed, combing through silky silver hair with one hand, the other resting lightly on a shivering shoulder. "I... just... wanted to help. If you want me to stop hugging you I will, okay?"

"S-Sora... did you listen to me?" Riku cried, grabbing Sora's arm and letting go again immediately, once again hiding his face behind his hands. "D-Did you hear what I said? How can you still want to touch me?"

"Because," Sora simply said, resting his chin on top of Riku's head. "Riku, nothing of this was your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It was your brothers who..."

"That's it! They are my brothers, Sora!" Riku interrupted him desperately, shoving Sora away from him and holding him at arm's length, staring into his eyes. "They are my family! And they are a bunch of brutal, blood-thirsty, crazy madmen! How can you still want to come near me knowing the same blood runs through my veins? How can you stand being in the same room as me? How can you not be disgusted by my sheer presence?"

"Because you're Riku," Sora explained surprisingly calm, smiling softly at the distressed boy. "You're not them. You are nothing like them. You are nice, and funny, and I like you... very much." He looked down, blushing a little bit. "I don't care that they are your brothers. They are not your family. Family wouldn't do something like this to each other. It's horrible!" Tears filled his big, cerulean eyes, and he looked up to Riku again. "Now... now I understand why you never wanted to be touched... I'm so sorry! Why didn't you tell me earlier? I... I always tried to... Why didn't you tell me I was too pushy? God, I must have been unbearable! I-I'm sorry..."

"No, don't be..." Riku said softly, sighing deeply and letting go of Sora's arms, hugging himself again. "I... kind of wanted you to... I don't know. Be my friend, I guess." He sighed again, rubbing his cheek tiredly and forcing a crooked, cheerless smile onto his face. "That first day, when you... when you jumped up as soon as the teacher asked who would show me and Zexion around... you were so cheerful, and so nice, so innocent, so full of... full of light... and... I have to admit I was really jealous." The small smile on his pale face grew a tiny little bit, aquamarine eyes softening visibly. "You were talking about your brother in such a... caring way..." He looked at Roxas who just stared back, still unable to say anything. "I kind of knew it is supposed to feel like this about family, but... well... I never learned how to care so much about another person. But just being near you, talking to you... made me wish I was able to feel like this about somebody. To care so much."

"That's what you meant when you said you wanted to be like Sora," Roxas blurted out, unable to control his thoughts properly. He blushed when Riku looked at him questioningly, wishing he would have kept his big mouth shut.

"I knew I saw something back then..." Zexion suddenly spoke up, grinning when Roxas and Sora blushed lightly. "You guys were eavesdropping when we were in Aerith's office, weren't you?"

"Well... eh... yeah," Sora admitted, blushing harder when Riku's quizzical gaze landed on him. "I was kinda... down because of this fight between Hayner and Axel and... Roxy said we should follow you, but you weren't done yet and we thought that was odd because Miss Gainsborough is such a good nurse and only Axel was hurt and... Yeah. We were eavesdropping." He smiled at Riku sheepishly. "Sorry."

"You mean... you heard everything?" Riku asked disbelievingly, a light blush now coloring his pale cheeks too.

"It didn't really make sense back then," Roxas said quietly. "What you said about you not being able to tell us. And about Mr. Strife telling anybody what happened..." He trailed off, thinking about what the silver haired boy had said back then. What they had said...

"Yeah, and what you said about us not wanting to be your friends if we knew," Sora added. He frowned down at Riku, then sat on the floor in front of the older boy, looking up at him. "I still don't understand that. Why wouldn't we? What happened to you was horrible, how could we leave you alone knowing what had happened? Friends don't do that."

"How can you not?" Riku retorted darkly, crossing his arms in front of his chest and averting his gaze. "Aren't you disgusted?"

"What? No!" Sora hopped up again, grabbing Riku's hand and holding it tightly with his own. "Why should I? Riku, nothing they did was your fault!"

Riku blushed again, staring at two small hands clutching his own amazed. But that didn't last long, soon enough he pulled his hand away again, not daring to look at the boy in front of him. "You don't know all of it," he murmured softly. "You don't know what else they did to me. You would never want to come near me again..."

"Did they... did they rape you too?" Roxas interrupted him, holding his breath as soon as the words left his mouth. There was something Riku had said, no, the way he had said it while talking to Mr. Strife...

We can't tell them.

You will have to tell somebody someday. It will kill you if you keep it to yourself forever.

No, we don't have to! Did you? Did you tell anybody about it, Cloud?

The way he had said it... as if... as if the same that had happened to Mr. Strife had happened to himself too...

Riku froze for a moment, and then looked at Roxas frowning, aquamarine orbs full of misery and pain.

"Only once," he whispered, his voice hoarse but steady. Sora gasped, clamping both hands over his mouth, and again Riku wasn't able to meet his gaze. His eyes stayed fixed on Roxas who shivered slightly.

How could anyone do this to their own brother? What kind of monster were these men?

"I-It wasn't even that bad, it was just... just punishment, because... I helped Cloud to escape," Riku explained quietly. "After... after I saw what Sephiroth was doing in the basement I... I got a knife from the kitchen and hid down there and waited until he was gone... Then I cut through the ties that held Cloud down. He... he didn't even recognize me at first. Kind of... kind of like Axel when he attacked you, when he tried to fight me. He only saw my hair and my eyes and that was almost enough to make him scream..." Riku sighed when a small whimper escaped Sora's lips, running a hand through his silvery hair. "I stole clothes for him from Yazoo's room, and then helped him sneak out of the house... When I came back and Sephiroth had found out that I had helped Cloud... he was furious. I already... expected something like this to happen. So... it wasn't that bad."

"What are you saying?" Sora cried out, again grabbing Riku's hand. "How... how can you expect something like that? That's... that's terrible!"

"How old were you?" Roxas asked terrified, not really sure if he wanted to know...

"Twelve," Riku answered shrugging. He winced when he heard Sora sob again, forcing himself to look at the brown haired twin. "Really, it wasn't that bad... It wasn't worse than the other things they had done before... And they never did it again."

"Why didn't you run away?" Sora whispered, still shaking like a leaf. "Why did you go back?"

"I had to protect Cloud," Riku answered darkly. "If I had gone with him they would have hunted us down. I stayed so they wouldn't look for him." He shrugged again, rubbing his arm with the other hand nervously. "And... I never knew anything else. They still were my family. I had to stay. I know you don't understand that... Hell, sometimes I don't understand it myself! But... back then it seemed to be the only place to go." He sighed and remained silent for a minute before continuing. Now his voice sounded cold, devoid of all emotion. "When I helped Cloud escape, I didn't really know where to go... I couldn't bring him to his parents, Sephiroth would have found him then. And they would have never believed us anyway. But... there was this house in Hollow Bastion, a kind of... refuge for homeless children. It was founded by a well-known scholar only one year prior. Before that it had been a small orphanage, founded and led by a couple. Mr. and Mrs. Kramer they were called. They barely managed to keep the orphanage running, almost everything was missing, money, clothing for the kids, food... They were thinking of closing the orphanage when this man intervened, providing money, a new, bigger house and a foundation for the orphanage. He only made them change one thing: Not only orphans, but also children who had been abused or abandoned by their parents had to be taken in. The Kramers were overjoyed."

"I still wonder why he did that," Zexion mumbled. "That was a lot of money he spent on the Refuge."

"I once heard it was the last wish his wife made before she died," Riku answered thoughtfully. "She didn't want other children suffer the same fate as their own grandchildren."

Roxas froze, looking at his brother who stared back at him, eyes wide.

Hollow Bastion... famous scholar... wife died... abandoned grandchildren...

"What... what was his name?" Roxas whispered. No, it couldn't be...

"Ansem... Kenja I think. Why?" Riku raised his brows and looked from one twin to the other, not quite understanding why they were smiling so sadly.

Sora grabbed the crown pendant he was wearing, Roxas the four-pointed star that was attached to the zipper of his vest.

"He did it because of us..." Sora said sadly, still smiling. Zexion and Riku frowned at him confused.

"Ansem Kenja... he's our grandfather," Roxas explained quietly, sniffing a little. "Our mom's father. He isn't allowed to see us anymore... He always argued with our parents because of us. He thought our parents abandoned us." He looked at Sora again. "It must've been after grandma died."

Sora nodded silently. For a moment nobody dared to talk, until Riku sighed and then chuckled quietly.

"It sure is a small world, hu?" he said, then frowned again, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt nervously. "Uh... I... really hate to say that... but..."

"Considering this it was a good thing our parents left us alone all the time," Sora said, interrupting Riku who stared at him baffled. "Otherwise grandfather Ansem wouldn't have funded this Refuge. And you and Cloud wouldn't have had a place to go after... what happened..." His voice grew quieter and sadder as he spoke. He sighed, hiding his face in his hands.

Riku tried to say something, closed his mouth again and tried it once more.

"How do you do that?" he asked perplexed. "That was what I wanted to say..."

Sora shrugged, not taking his hands away from his face.

"Riku," Zexion murmured, one cobalt eye fixed on the window at the other side of the room. "You should continue... Or do you want me to?"

Riku stared at him for a moment, then shook his head.

"It's alright... I... I'm fine," he said softly, now trying to reach out to Sora who still didn't look up. But he let his hand drop before he could touch the distressed boy sitting in front of his chair, looking even more miserable than before. Riku sighed, folding his arms in front of his chest again and closed his eyes for a second before continuing. "I... brought Cloud to this Refuge. There were so many children and teenagers... so many..." He sighed again. "There was this girl who trained to become a nurse and often helped out in the Refuge. She... patched Cloud up and gave him a room. Even though he was already twenty-one. The Kramers didn't mind at all, after... after I told them what had happened to him. They wanted to go to the police, but Cloud pleaded them not to... He was terrified of what could happen if they did. And then... then he stopped talking altogether. He didn't speak, not to me, not to the girl who nursed him, he just sat in his room and stared at a wall. I didn't want to see him like this... So I went home again, even though they wanted to hold me back."

Roxas tried to imagine his teacher being afraid of anything... and failed. It was a different person Riku was talking about. Mr. Strife was always so... confident, and calm and...

"Well... my brothers were furious and... punished me when I got home." Riku winced slightly when he said this. "They wanted to know where Cloud was, and I kept telling them I didn't know. They gave up after a while. I was left in my room, hurting all over, but... at least Cloud was safe. I kept telling myself it was worth it if Cloud was safe. After that... I visited him every day, at least every day I was allowed to go outside. And... during my visits in the Refuge I met Axel and Demyx."

"Why were they in the Refuge?" Roxas asked hesitantly. He suddenly realized he still didn't know anything about them... He didn't even know about their parents or...

"Axel is an orphan," Zexion replied dully. "He lost his parents in an accident when he was very young, and he was living in the orphanage even before your grandfather turned it into the Refuge. Demyx' parents... mistreated him. They met in middle school, and although Axel was one year older they became friends. Axel told Demyx about the Refuge... and Demyx went with him."

"You weren't in the same school?" Roxas asked somewhat surprised. Mostly surprised because he kept asking questions like this... But he couldn't help it, as horrible as this story was, he still was curious. Now that they were telling them everything he also wanted to know everything.

"Me? Actually I was," Zexion answered shrugging. "I was in Demyx' class. But I told you, I was a loner. I didn't talk too much to them back then, actually I was rather irritated by Demyx' cheerful nature. It was a year after they met Riku, when Axel turned fourteen and started high school, that Demyx tried to get to know me."

"I attended another middle school," Riku spoke up. "Hollow Bastion is a huge city, there are many schools. But... I met them there, in the Refuge. During one of my visits. Some other children were trying to pick on me, because... I don't even know why anymore. I was kind of small for my age back then, I looked like ten rather than twelve... and I was so scared when they tried to grab me, I started to scream. Axel... he saved me. He scared them off by threatening them to set their hair on fire... he was weird like that even back then..." Riku smiled at the memory, a soft, real smile. "I was scared of him too at first... I mean, he was really a weird guy, and tall for his thirteen years and with crazy, red hair, but he was nice and funny, and... Demyx was there too, and he was so cheerful and... Well. They were nice to me. And they didn't try to touch me, which I really appreciated. I saw them every time I visited Cloud, and somehow they always managed to cheer me up... They accepted me, even though I was so scared and quiet all the time. Cloud didn't really get better... The girl who nursed him, Aerith..."

"Miss Gainsborough?" Roxas interrupted him surprised.

"Mhm," Riku confirmed, smiling slightly again. "She did her best, but he wouldn't talk again. I was so down every time I visited him, because sometimes he would get scared of me... I honestly don't know what Sephiroth did to him to terrify him like that. Sometimes he still flinches when he sees me." He sighed, then ran one hand through his hair and continued. "Anyway... one day I almost broke down crying, and Demyx found me, and somehow I ended up telling him... almost everything. That was the first time I let someone other than Cloud hug me. And I showed him a bruise on my stomach that Kadaj had given me just the day before. He wasn't really surprised. That's when he told me his own father had hit him sometimes too, but that he had stopped when Demyx had joined the swim team in his school. You know, those bruises are pretty hard to hide when you're on the swim team. I thought it was a good idea... I would never have been able to tell anybody about my injuries, but if a teacher or my classmates saw them... then maybe my brothers would get into trouble. Like Demyx' father did. And... Demy persuaded me to tell Axel too. When I did Axel was shocked at first, but then he offered to show me a few tricks to defend myself against my brothers. He had had a pretty hard life in the orphanage himself, so he knew how to fight. It was... it was very hard for me to let him come near me, but he was very careful, showed me how to fight properly. And he told me to do other courses than swimming too, something to help me train stamina and strength and speed. Which I did. That was why I joined a kendo course. I was pretty good at both too. And... it really helped me. My brothers were furious when I told them about joining the swim team, but this time I actually fought back. I surprised them with this, I think. It took both Loz and Yazoo to hold me down so Kadaj could beat me up 'properly'. They... refrained from hurting me physically after this."

Roxas did notice Riku stressed the word 'physically', but he didn't dare to ask about that.

"About a year later... Aerith told me she didn't think Cloud would get better if he stayed in Hollow Bastion," Riku continued, a strangely... forlorn look on his face. He tried to hug himself again, and this time he smiled weakly when Sora moved from his position on the floor to crawl on the broad armrest of the chair Riku was sitting in. Sora hugged him awkwardly, burying his face in Riku's silky hair without saying a word. "Aerith... told me about this guy she knew... He had been one of the first orphans the Kramers had taken in after founding the orphanage. He was supposed to be about Cloud's and Aerith' age, and he had moved to Destiny Islands a few years before. She said... that maybe Cloud would get better if he moved here." Riku closed his eyes for a second, resting his head against Sora's shoulder. "I was... devastated. Cloud... was really important to me, and to think... he wouldn't be there anymore was very frightening. But... eventually I gave in. I figured it would be best for him. And so Aerith wrote a letter to this guy, in which, she explained the situation, and Squall came over to pick him up..."

Roxas felt his mouth fall open in surprise.

"Mr... Leonhart?" Sora asked, obviously just as surprised. "I... didn't even know he was from Hollow Bastion..."

"Apparently he is. He moved when he was seventeen. I heard his father lived here." Riku shrugged. "I don't know too much about him. He's not exactly talkative around people other than Cloud."

"W-Wait!" Roxas said, now really confused. "Why was Mr. Leonhart in the orphanage when he had a father?"

"His father didn't know about him," Zexion explained calmly. "He and Leon's mother lived apart. But his mother died when he was born, and nobody knew where his father was, so..."

"But we really don't know much more about him," Riku added. "Like I said, he doesn't talk too much. But I think that was exactly what Cloud needed back then... Anyway... Cloud didn't want to go at first, he even threatened Squall... Leon when he saw him at first. It was the first time he had talked in months. Leon wasn't impressed. He told Cloud he was only doing this because Aerith had asked him to. Cloud said he didn't want to go. Leon said he didn't give a fuck. Cloud said he couldn't leave me alone. Leon said from what he had heard he believed I had been alone this whole last year. After that Cloud stayed silent. I never saw him that lost again. And then he started to cry. He kept apologizing to me, to Aerith, to everybody for being so lost, so useless the whole year. And he agreed to go. Aerith tried to persuade me into going with them, but... I... was a kid back then. Hollow Bastion was my home. And I really hoped... my brothers would give up after I started to fight back when they tried to hurt me... And... I didn't want to lose Axel and Demyx... They... were the best friends I could ever wish for... and... I..." He stopped, his voice wavering and full of misery when he added one sentence. "I wish I had left them... I wish... I had gone with Cloud, so my brothers would never have found them..." He clamped a hand over his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a distressed sob. He didn't even resist when Sora hugged him tighter than before.

"It wasn't your fault, Riku," a new voice spoke up. Everybody whirled around to stare at Demyx, who was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, curled up and hugging his knees to his chest. His big, pretty eyes were glossy, and he was shaking like a leaf, but his voice was steady as he talked. "Sora is right. Nothing that happened was your fault."

Zexion jumped up instantly and rushed over to the mulleted boy, falling to his knees next to him. Concern was evident in his soft voice when he quietly asked, "How long have you been here, Demyx?"

Demyx avoided his eyes, looking to the side and rubbing his arms, obviously highly uncomfortable. He didn't say anything, just shook his head. Zexion closed his eyes, sighing deeply, a strangely defeated look sweeping over his features. But he just nodded and looked away too.

"I thought you fell asleep," he said, his voice once again collected and calm. "Don't you want to go upstairs again? I think this is too much for..."

Demyx silenced him by touching Zexion's lips with two fingers tenderly. He looked like he wanted to cry yet couldn't, blue-green orbs swimming in tears. He shook his head again, eyes pleading.

Zexion frowned at him, gently taking Demyx' hand and pulling it away from his face. "You sure?" he asked, a strange, pleading undertone in his voice urging Demyx to tell him 'no'. But Demyx nodded.

Before Zexion could stand up again though Demyx held him back, opening his mouth to say something, closing it again, no sound coming out. He tried again, grimacing when he failed to say anything again.

"What is it?" Zexion asked tenderly, smiling sadly at the once again mute boy. "Is it about earlier?"

Demyx nodded miserably, looking down at his hands. He touched his own lips, then pointed at Zexion, hand starting to shake badly, a soft sob escaping his lips, first tears starting to fall.

"I'm not mad at you, Demy," Zexion said smiling, leaning forward to kiss Demyx' cheek softly. "I know you were worried about Axel. You didn't mean to yell at me. I know. It doesn't count."

Sora and Riku watched them, both seeming rather confused. But Roxas understood the hidden meaning in Zexion's words. He couldn't help but remember the letter Demyx had made him read out to Zexion.

I can't talk to you until I am able to tell you how much you mean to me. Those had been his words... But... earlier, when he had confronted Roxas... he had... he had yelled at Zexion too, when the blue haired boy had tried to calm him down...

Roxas suddenly felt awful for upsetting Demyx like this. It was his fault. Again. Because of him the first words directed at Zexion by Demyx had been angry ones, not the words Zexion had wanted to hear, not the words Demyx wasn't yet able to say.

He looked away, out of the window next to the couch he was sitting on, watching small white clouds wandering over an otherwise perfect blue sky. And somehow he wondered why the sky was still looking so perfect, after all Riku had told them yet... Why wasn't it raining, why wasn't there a thunderstorm outside to match the gloomy atmosphere in this small living room?

"I think..." he heard Zexion say hesitantly, and he glanced at him from the corner of his eyes. Zexion and Demyx were both sitting in Zexion's chair now, Demyx curled up in Zexion's lap, his arms resting around the other boy's neck, his face buried in Zexion's hair. Even though Demyx was a bit taller than Zexion he looked smaller right now, fragile almost. He was still shaking, and Zexion was holding him tightly, gently playing with longer, dirty blond strands at the back of the mute boy's neck.

"I think," Zexion repeated, the calmness in his voice now obviously quite forced, "I should continue. You okay with that, Riku?"

The silver haired teen was still hugging Sora who was sitting on the armrest next to him, his head resting on Sora's shoulder. He was staring straight ahead, not really looking at anything in particular. He nodded slowly, like his mind was far, far away right now.

Zexion nodded too, taking a deep breath and blinking a few times before fixing his eyes on Demyx' head and starting to speak.

"We were... Ah, yes, Cloud moving to Destiny Islands. I... don't know everything that happened back then, as I wasn't yet... part of this small group," he began, his voice instantly taking on this melodious tone it usually did when he was reading one of his poems or essays out loud. The voice was pleasant to listen to. The words weren't. "It was mine and Demyx' last year in middle school, Axel had just started high school... And from what I heard Riku was being finally left alone back at his home. He still visited Demyx and Axel in the Refuge, still learned new tricks from Axel, still told Demyx about his brothers. Not all of it of course. But enough for Demyx to... be sad. I... mentioned earlier I was somewhat... annoyed by Demyx' endless cheerfulness. But... back then, when he stopped laughing, when his eyes lost this sparkle, I found myself wishing he would start to act like before. It was so wrong for him to act like this. He was always the cheerful one, he was always the one who made others smile. I didn't know what was wrong with him back then. One day I found myself standing in front of his desk, after a lesson... and I heard myself ask him what was wrong. I didn't even want to do it, I just... did. I didn't know why. And... Demyx looked up at me, smiling and eyes sparkling once again, and he told me he was okay. Just exhausted. And he laughed and said he liked my voice. And that I should talk more, preferably to him, because he wanted to hear it more often. After this he started to try to get me to talk to him. Me, one of the least popular students in our whole school... Him, the officially elected 'Cutest Guy', voted by nearly all of our female classmates... I didn't understand why. People like him never mix with people like me... or so I thought. It annoyed me endlessly. Sometimes I wished I had kept my mouth shut. But then I would see him smile..."

Demyx slowly looked up at him, a small smile on his lips, eyes wide. He looked somewhat surprised, but not unpleasantly so...

Zexion blushed slightly, but he smiled too as he continued. "No, it wasn't like that. We were thirteen, for God's sake. But... it was just right for you to smile."

Demyx' smile widened, and he snuggled up closer to Zexion, resting his face in the crook of the other boy's neck. The faint blush on Zexion's face deepened a bit, but the smile didn't waver. He gently ran a hand through Demyx' hair before he spoke up again.

"I mostly chose to ignore Demyx' advances... well, I tried to ignore them, really. He wouldn't have it. He talked my ear off almost every day, and he was so delighted when I finally said something, even if it was only to tell him to leave me alone..."

Demyx chuckled softly at the memory.

"He never left me alone. Until I finally gave in and... started to talk to him. We became friends, kind of, even though I still wasn't entirely comfortable around him. He knew that. He introduced me to Axel and Riku one day because of it... I think... he wanted them to act as a buffer between us..."

Demyx nodded still smiling, starting to draw strange patterns on Zexion's jacket with one finger. Zexion smiled at him, closing his eyes briefly before continuing.

"But... I wasn't very good at making friends. I didn't want to make new friends. I think it was because of this negative attitude of mine that I made the mistake to underestimate them at first. I thought they were... I beg your pardon, Riku... jerks. I thought they were dumb and shallow bullies, like most boys from our school. I tended to categorize people by their looks a lot back then, and both of them didn't really strike me as people who were... well-educated. I acted... rather arrogantly towards them. I knew it was important for Demyx, but I didn't really want to get to know them... so I only greeted them and went away to sit down and continue to read this really demanding book I had started to read a day prior somewhere. I tried to, that is. Until Axel sat next to me, gave me a rather detailed summarization of the book, told me the author had probably been on crack when he wrote it because it was just not realistic how he described the mental breakdown of this one main character, the author had never seen a real knife wound in his life and didn't describe the concussion one character suffered in the fourth chapter correctly, and that the interpretation by a famous literature critic at the end of this edition of the book was bullshit. And then he said he would break my arms and legs and leave me to be eaten by stray dogs if I dared to hurt Demy like that once again." Zexion smirked. "I hate to admit I was pretty dumbfounded. I had always been proud of my ability to come up with a witty comeback in every situation, but Axel somehow managed to silence me. He just didn't strike me the type to read such a difficult book, let alone understand it. Well, I had never been more wrong."

Demyx chuckled again, and even Riku smirked at that. "He just loves to surprise people like that," the silver haired boy said quietly.

"He does, indeed," Zexion agreed. "Well, after this I started to hang out with them more often. I learned that Riku was in a discussion group in his school, and we often spent whole afternoons discussing the most sophisticated topics... Axel and Demyx made fun of us because of that sometimes."

"They said some of the complicated words and phrases we used should be illegal. Whatever that meant," Riku added.

"And Axel even helped me with this stupid science project I had to do for school," Zexion continued grinning. "I won a price for that. It was about the flame test used to detect metal ions in chemical compounds. We set up this strange experiment for it, different tiny fireplaces made out of toothpicks which were covered in solutions of different chemicals. And when set on fire they burned white or yellow or deep orange or red or purple, even green and blue and violet. It was really fun. And on top of that Axel showed me how to synthesize a substance called... wait... alkyl borate or something... which burned deep green when gasified and lighted. Oh dear. My teacher was speechless, as scientific classes were never my favorite ones..."

"Axel really likes fire, doesn't he?" Sora asked smiling, finally releasing Riku to sit more comfortable on the armrest. His arm still rested around Riku's shoulders though.

Somehow Roxas felt left out.

"He's obsessed," Riku corrected Sora, but he was smiling too as he said it. "He knows everything about it. He may act like a dork sometimes, but he's actually quite intelligent. He just hides it most of the time."

"He hides a lot of things," Demyx spoke up absentmindedly, playing with a strand of Zexion's silky hair. "Now even more than back then."

Smiles vanished from everybody's faces, confused or sad looks replacing them.

"What do you mean by that?" Roxas asked, biting his lip nervously when Demyx looked at him, big blue-green eyes full of sadness. But Demyx didn't say anything, just smiled a strange, melancholic, knowing smile.

"Axel... likes to keep his feelings to himself," Zexion answered instead, frowning deeply. "He may act extroverted and open most of the time, but... it's always hard to tell what he really thinks or feels. He... hides behind this carefree, confident facade."

Oh yes, he does...

Roxas agreed whole-heartedly to this... How could he read the signs so wrong to actually think Axel liked him this way? And how could he not notice the signs of abuse, like that time after he had nearly kissed the redhead... He could still see the fear in those bright green eyes, could hear the slight tremor in his voice...

No, it's not true... I'm not... Please, stop saying that...

The only times when he had been able to tell what the redhead was really feeling seemed to be those when Axel was close to breaking down... Most of the time it was impossible to tell.

"What happened to him?" he whispered into the suffocating silence, suddenly feeling cold. The way they were describing him, so fearless and strong... Most of the time he was still acting like this, defending his friends, especially Demyx, trying to appear carefree and confident. But then there were days when he wasn't able to laugh, when the smallest touch seemed to terrify him, even if he tried to hide it... and then Roxas could see his confident and strong appearance was only that: Acting. What could've happened to terrify him of simple words, of being touched in a particular way? "What happened to all of you?"

"They happened," Demyx said, then fell silent again.

"Well... as I said before..." Zexion spoke up again, petting Demyx' shoulder softly. "We spent most of our free time together. Riku often said we were closer being his brothers than they could ever be. Axel was the oldest, he always looked out for us... always took the blame when we had done something stupid, always defended Demyx and me when older kids picked on us. He was like an older brother. Always protecting us. It was like having a family. A family neither of us ever had..."

"What about your parents?" Sora asked timidly, adding a nervous "Sorry!" when Zexion's expression darkened quickly.

"No, it's alright..." Zexion sighed and ran a hand through his hair, careful not to show the blind eye. "I guess I was the luckiest one out of us... Axel lost his parents when he was four, Demyx' father abused him and his mother, Riku... well. You know about his brothers now. My parents just didn't care about me." He shrugged. "I wasn't exactly planned. My mother was a fairly successful business woman, and she wasn't too pleased about the pregnancy. After I was born she left me at home with a nanny. I barely even saw her or my father, they were always working. When I was nine they presented me my first own apartment, close to my school. I only saw them on the weekends, when they invited me for dinner... but I stopped meeting them at all a few years later. They just called every now and then to make sure I was alright. And they sent me money, of course. I still call them from time to time."

It reminded Roxas so strongly of his own parents it made him shiver. And he knew Sora was thinking the same by the sudden change in his twin's expression.

"When all of us finally attended high school Riku decided to go to the same one as the rest of us," Zexion explained. "I think that was the point when his brother finally noticed... us." He sighed deeply, staring at the floor for a while. When he continued his voice sounded oddly... strained. "During our sophomore year... Axel was already a junior... he and Demyx got together. They had always been close... It was... bound to happen someday, I think."

Demyx sighed softly at this, hugging Zexion tighter. But this time Zexion looked away, frowning a little. Demyx looked at him sadly, never taking his eyes off him as the blue haired boy continued to speak, big, blue-green orbs appearing slightly glossy once again.

"During this time... I distanced myself from them again. Right after I found out, that I... started to like Demyx more than before. It was... very hard to watch them. I rejected their offers to hang out more often now, because every time Axel kissed Demyx I wanted to... to... I don't know. Scream or cry or hurt them. I chose to stay away from them for a while, and I hoped those feelings would... go away again. They didn't." Zexion sighed, smiling at Demyx sadly. Demyx was blinking rapidly now, trying to prevent tears from falling. "It wasn't your fault, Demyx. You didn't know it."

"I should have..." Demyx whispered, surprising everybody in the room. Zexion flinched and gaped at him, obviously taken aback by hearing the soft voice. "I should have known. I should have seen it," Demyx added, no longer able to hold back the tears. He barely suppressed a sob, hugging Zexion tightly and kissing him, leaving the other occupants of the room stunned.

Zexion's one visible eye widened impossibly, a deep red blush covering his face quickly. He didn't react at all to Demyx' short, sweet kiss, only stared at the other boy astonished. His slender fingers dug deeply into the armrests of the chair they were sitting in, knuckles turning white due to the tight grip on the soft material. Demyx' hands came to rest on Zexion's burning cheeks, softly combing through silky, dark hair hiding most of Zexion's face. The kiss itself was short, but Demyx broke it only reluctantly, quickly brushing his lips over Zexion's once more before pulling away, resting his forehead against Zexion's, gazing at the blushing boy with half-closed eyes.

"I'm sorry, Zexion," he said clearly, his melodic voice full of so many different emotions. "I'm sorry for hurting you so much over the past years. I'm sorry for being so... slow. I'm sorry... for taking so long to finally figure out..." He paused for a moment, closing his eyes briefly and kissing Zexion once more before trying to speak again. He failed at the first try, opening and closing his mouth uselessly for a few times and taking a deep breath. Finally, when he managed to look at Zexion again and whispered four words barely loud enough to be heard, a light blush rose into his cheeks as well. "I love you, Zexion."

Zexion blinked, repeating this sweet, quite surprising confession tonelessly, mouthing the words over and over again, obviously not really grasping their meaning yet.

"I love you," Demyx repeated a little bit louder, brushing back dark blue-gray hair, careful not to show the scar and the blind eye though. He kissed Zexion's cheek softly, smiling and wiping tears from his own eyes. "I'm sorry it took me so long... I'm sorry, please, forgive me..."

"W-What?" Zexion finally forced out, still gripping the armrests tightly, licking his lips and trying to say more but failing. He seemed to search for something to say desperately, lips moving but not yet capable of forming the right words.

Demyx struggled to say something too, opened his mouth and closed it again, staring at Zexion somewhat dejectedly.

The blond boy finally resigned, sighing deeply and pulling his hands away from Zexion's still flushed face. He was stopped by shaking hands closing around his however, smiling hopefully at Zexion who was still staring at him.

"What are you talking about, Demyx?" Zexion whispered hoarsely, lifting Demyx' hands to touch them with his lips fleetingly, causing Demyx to blush a bit more. "There is absolutely nothing you have to be sorry about! Nothing, you hear?" Zexion let go of one of Demyx' hands, carefully caressing a flushed cheek with his fingertips, a smile spreading over his face slowly. "You... you really... Do you really mean..."

Demyx didn't answer, just nodded, but he smiled too. He bit his lip nervously, fidgeting with his hands and sighing again.

"We... we should talk later..." he forced out, his beautiful voice wavering and sounding unsure now. "Roxas... still needs to hear the rest of it. Please?"

Zexion blinked, then nodded, the happy smile slowly vanishing from his face.

"You... you are right, Demy," he said quietly, again carefully touching Demyx' face and smiling slightly, then closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Demyx slowly leaned against him, again snuggling up to him and closing his own eyes, smiling when Zexion ran a hand through his hair.

"Ehm..." Sora didn't really seem to be too eager to bother them, and he blushed a bit when Zexion looked at him strangely. "We... eh... You don't have to tell us everything now, you know. We... could continue some other time. Right, Roxy?"

It took Roxas a few moments to overcome the surprise and jealousy that had built up within him while watching the two boys kissing. It was horrible not to be able to be happy for them, now that Demyx finally had overcome his fear and finally told Zexion what he was feeling... But even though he really wanted to be happy for them, somehow he couldn't. But he nodded anyway, faking a smile for them.

"Of course..." he began, but stopped when Zexion shook his head.

"No," the blue haired one said frowning, slowly regaining his composure. "Demyx is right, you need to hear all of it. Axel needs you to know all of it."

Roxas wanted to ask why, but Zexion silenced him with a stern look.

"As I said before," Zexion continued, "When they got together I distanced myself from them. But... even though I rarely talked to them anymore Riku and Demyx came to me three months later... and asked me if I knew where Axel was. I thought this question was really strange, because me and Axel hadn't been this close... It struck me as odd they asked me when not even Demyx knew where he was. That was when they told me Axel was missing." He sighed and let his gaze drop to the ground. "He was missing a week already when they asked me. Of course nobody else cared. So what if an orphan who'd been in trouble as often as him had run away? Even the Kramers thought he had just run away. Demyx was devastated. He knew Axel wouldn't have done something rash like run away from the Refuge without telling him anything. He knew something bad had happened... So we started searching for him. We didn't find anything, not even a letter or something else he would have left, anything that indicated his intentions to run away. And about a month later... Demyx disappeared too."

Demyx squeezed his eyes shut, hugging Zexion tighter. Roxas could see the mulleted boy shaking slightly.

"Riku and me searched everywhere for them, but still found nothing. Again, no one else cared. Not even Demyx' parents. They thought he had run away too... We didn't believe that. And I noticed Riku was getting quieter every day that passed."

"Because I suspected something, deep down," Riku added darkly. "But I didn't want to even think about it..."

"Two months later, when school started again, there still was no trace of them," Zexion said quietly. "Axel was missing more than three months now, Demyx about two... And we thought about giving up. Riku started to distance himself from me, and he was seen alone more and more these days... brooding even more than before, now that Demyx wasn't there to cheer him up anymore. And then... one day I noticed a stranger who looked very similar to Riku lurking around in the street where my apartment was located. Of course I knew about Riku's brothers, but... when he started to talk to me some day I... didn't run away immediately. That was a mistake." Zexion paused for a moment, again running a hand through Demyx' hair and looking down at the now sickly pale boy sadly. "He... seemed to be nice. He asked me if I knew someone called Riku Masaki. I told him to leave me alone rather rudely, but he just laughed, saying something about Riku choosing very interesting friends... That is the last thing I remember. I was knocked down from behind, and when I woke up someone carried me into a room... My hands were tied, my head hurt, and I was feeling sick, and I was rather dazed by the blow, but... I saw a body laying there, someone with bright red hair, and... I knew it was Axel, even though I couldn't see his face properly at first, as my vision was still... blurry. But no one else has hair like his."

Roxas noticed he had held his breath for a fairly long time now, and he sucked in fresh air, causing Zexion to look at him.

"I wasn't even sure if he was alive," Zexion said, staring at Roxas. "He was just lying there, on the floor, his clothes torn and... and bloody, his eyes open... his eyes... were the worst thing to look at. The... the bruises and... and the cuts and bloodstains were horrible, but his eyes... they were dead."

"Like a doll's..." Roxas whispered, shivering involuntarily when he thought back... emerald eyes, dull and glassy, lifeless, broken...

Zexion, Demyx and Riku looked at him strangely.

"You saw it too, didn't you?" Demyx asked quietly, slowly lifting a hand to reach over the small table to grasp Roxas' hand gently. His hand was cold, but the touch was soothing nonetheless. "When he had the flashback. You saw it."

Roxas nodded, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. He held them back stubbornly. "What happened?" he asked, cursing his stupid voice for breaking at the end. Demyx looked back at Zexion, letting go of Roxas' hand slowly and gesturing with both hands, probably out of habit. Zexion seemed not too happy, whether because of Demyx refusing to speak again or because of what the mulleted boy was gesturing, Roxas couldn't tell. But he nodded eventually, and Demyx rose, stepping around the table to sit next to Roxas on the couch. Roxas didn't even look up when Demyx laid an arm around his shoulders, holding him tight as he continued to talk, his beautiful voice calm despite the things he told them.

"The man who spoke to Zexion was Kadaj. He... was the one who spied on Riku. He was the one who suspected there was a reason for Riku to be... happier than he deserved to be in his brothers' opinion," Demyx said. "Kadaj followed Riku, tried to find out the reason why his hated little brother wasn't as miserable as he wanted him to be. When he found out about us... he got his brother Loz to help him and kidnapped Axel, then me, then Zexion. When they... brought me to their home, Axel... was already..." Demyx paused to find the right words for a moment. "He... he was still fighting them, still... tried to escape, but... he was different. He was scared, terrified, I could... see it in his eyes. When they threw me in that room with him, he... he cried, pleaded them to let me go again. It scared me more than anything, to see him cry... I had never seen him like this before. Axel... He never cried. He always, always tried to be strong for us, always tried to hide his own feelings, just so we would feel better. Kadaj, he... only smiled at Axel, grabbed his hair and said, 'I knew you would be even more beautiful when you cried.' And then he said he would find more ways to make him cry, and then he walked away and left us in that room... Axel didn't come near me the whole night, and it was the first time I saw this... resigned, broken look in his eyes. I... I tried to talk to him, tried to touch him, but he just turned away from me, didn't say a thing. The n-next day they... they..." Demyx paused again, and now Roxas could feel him shivering slightly. He didn't want to hear it, he didn't...

"They came back when it was still dark outside, all four of them. Sephiroth didn't do anything though, he just watched as his brothers... a-as they r-raped me," Demyx said, only a slight tremor in his melodic voice. "O-One of them had h-his way with me while the others h-held Axel back. I-It was terrible, and it hurt s-so much... Axel w-was trying t-to break free, he didn't even stop when they started hitting him, h-he... h-he yelled and screamed and cried and told them t-to take h-him instead, t-to leave me alone..."

No! Don't hurt Demyx... Take me instead...

Roxas couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and he started to cry, letting Demyx hold him while the other boy continued to talk.

"They were sick! They let him watch the... whole time... and Kadaj kept telling him how beautiful he was when he was despaired like this... Kadaj, he... he always told Axel he was beautiful. And then they dragged him away, and when they brought him back he couldn't move properly, because they had hurt him so much... But he crawled over to me anyway, hugged me and cried again, tried to... to comfort me, even though he was in an even worse condition than I was. I didn't want him to touch me at first, because... because I felt so filthy, but... he made it better somehow."

Roxas didn't want to hear more, but Demyx didn't let him go. It was so horrible...

"It was like this almost every day... sometimes they would let the other watch while they were hurting one of us, sometimes they didn't. They were always careful to tend our wounds properly, the injuries they caused never left scars, because they said it would spoil their 'fun' if our bodies showed scars all over. Kadaj 'liked' Axel the most, he always told him how beautiful he was, until Axel was terrified of being called beautiful... every time he heard it, he knew he would be hurt afterwards."

Stop saying that... Please... I'm not, I'm not, I'm not...

Roxas clamped his hands over his mouth to muffle a sob, leaning on Demyx heavily, his tears slowly soaking the other boy's shirt. Demyx patted his back softly, but he didn't stop talking, not even when Roxas asked him to, his voice breaking...

"I... was Loz' favorite, he loved to hear me scream... after two months of this torture I wasn't able to speak anymore. Around this time, when I stopped speaking, they kidnapped Zexion too. They brought him in... right after Yazoo was done with Axel, Axel still... still... I don't know how to describe it. He... was so apathetic every time they brought him back. Sometimes I... had to check if he was still breathing, to make sure they hadn't killed him... It took him longer and longer to recover; sometimes it took him hours... He just lay there, motionlessly, staring straight ahead, not responding. They were so much harder on him than on me, but still... every time they came to get me he pleaded them to leave me alone and take him with them instead, even though the mere thought of being near them terrified him. Despite his fear he still tried to protect me... And Zexion too, when they brought him in... They really often took him instead of us, and I don't even want to imagine what they did to him... to break him like this..." He paused for a moment.

"W-Wait..." Roxas shook his head, trying to think although he started to feel slightly dizzy. "You... Zexion, you said... I thought you said it didn't happen to you..."

"I said that?" Zexion arched a brow at him, then nodded. "Oh, that... No, I never said it didn't happen to me. I said Demyx was with me more often than with Axel because of what happened to them. Do you mean that?"

Roxas nodded, still having a hard time to think properly.

"They were held captive for much longer than me," Zexion explained. "I had to suffer this torture for two months, and when I was kidnapped and brought to them they were already..." He sighed deeply. "Before all this happened they had been together, you know that. But when I saw them again they weren't even able to touch each other anymore. And... somehow I suspect Riku's brothers always were more cruel to them than to me. I don't know why."

"I think... I think Axel was worst, because Kadaj favored him, and Kadaj was the most insane of them all..." Demyx agreed shakily, tears in his blue-green eyes. "When... when they brought Zexion in, Axel... t-told him to look after me, because... because he couldn't do it anymore... He said he was too... too... filthy... and he didn't want to touch me anymore..." Demyx sniffed quietly. "It was because... because... I don't know. We both felt so... dirty after all they did to us. So tainted. We didn't want to see each other like this, and... when they let us watch as they... raped the other one... It was so horrible, but... we couldn't even look at each other anymore after this..."

"I'm sorry," Roxas whispered. "It's okay, I understand, you don't have to explain..."

Demyx nodded, then took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Axel... he told Zexion to look after me. And Zexion did. Axel was so grateful for that, for... someone who could care for me. He... he tried to protect us, I think... I think because he saw..." He sighed again. "He saw... that... something... happened between us two. That I... developed feelings for Zexion. Axel even t-tried to satisfy all their sick f-f-fantasies, just so t-they would leave us alone..."

"It was useless, but he still tried to... to... satisfy them. But... all of them had their favorite. Apart from Sephiroth, he always thought about Cloud. But Kadaj loved to torture Axel, Loz loved to hear Demyx scream... And Yazoo always came to me," Zexion said, his voice wavering, almost breaking. "That sick bastard was fascinated by my eyes..."

"He was..." Demyx agreed, his boyish voice slightly higher than before. "And... Zexion tried to fight them even more than Axel sometimes. I stopped fighting after the first few days, Axel... it took them longer to break him, but he too stopped resisting sometime later, when he realized the room we were held captive in was completely escape-proof. Both of us... we gave up. We couldn't escape from this room, we knew that... we had tried everything. Zexion... he didn't give up. He... he tried to comfort me and Axel every time they brought us back, and he tried... tried to get me to talk again, but I couldn't. He always thought about escaping from there, asked Axel about everything he had seen when they brought him upstairs... And... he managed to hurt one of them once. With... a knife they were using to... to cut him. He managed to wrench it away from Yazoo and... and cut his face. It wasn't even a deep cut or anything, but..."

"It was enough to make him try to cut out my eye," Zexion said. Sora gasped and stared at him wide-eyed.

"H-He... what?" he whispered terrified, sucking in air through his teeth when Zexion hesitatingly pushed back his long bangs.

Roxas too stared at the scar again, shuddering when he thought about how horrible it had to have looked when the wound was fresh... The blind, purely white orb alone was frightening enough, the scar surrounding the eye was... was...

"He was fascinated by the color of my eyes," Zexion explained eerily calm. "He thought they were beautiful, and he wanted to see this color all the time... I often tried to close my eyes because of that when he... when he did those things to me. He didn't like that. And when I cut him, he... he took the knife from me and... tried to cut it out of my face. He said he wanted to have it so he could look at it all the time... Sick bastard... Of course he destroyed it in the process." He took a shuddering breath, letting go of the long strands, dark hair instantly falling into his face again. But this time it didn't hide the blind eye entirely, and Roxas could still see white flashing through dark blue-gray strands. "I passed out because of the pain... and later I woke up and couldn't see anymore. It hurt like hell, even though they gave me painkillers, and they also had cleaned the wound, stopped the bleeding and... and... I don't know. Somehow they had kept me alive. It wasn't infected or anything, it healed... pretty good actually. I don't know if that was just luck, or if I owe my life Sephiroth' profound knowledge about medicine... I don't care, to tell the truth. At least... at least they forbade Yazoo to come near us again."

"And... three weeks later I f-found..." Riku stopped himself before he could say it, looking as if he was going to be sick, paler than ever. "I... I found... strands of Zexion's hair... in Yazoo's room... and... that was when... when I... realized... my brothers..." He paused again, squeezing his eyes shut. Sora stared at him, almost as pale as the silver haired boy, and Roxas... felt sick somehow. "They... caught me, and only laughed at me. They brought me down, to the room... I saw... what they had done to my friends, and... and... Oh, God..." Riku stopped, fisting both hands in his long hair. "I... I looked everywhere for them, I never stopped searching, and this whole time they... they were so near! It was... it was like years before, like back when Cloud was missing. I should have known!"

"No, it wasn't your fault, Riku," Zexion said. "They planned everything carefully. They prepared the room to be sound-proof, and they only came to us when you were out... They even took turns on spying on you so they would be warned when you'd come home... There was nothing you could have done. Nothing."

"They... they told Riku all this was his fault," Demyx explained to the shocked twins who stared at him speechlessly, Roxas still crying a little. "They... they told him they would've never hurt us if it wasn't for him. They told him... they told him it would have been better if he had died with their mother, then they wouldn't have had a reason to hurt us..."

"Axel jumped up and knocked Kadaj down then, rather unexpectedly," Zexion continued. "He yelled at them, tried to fight them all on his own, spat at them they never had a reason to do this... He even managed to hold Loz back all on his own, and he screamed at Riku to run away... Riku really managed to escape in the ensuing chaos."

"Sephiroth followed Riku, the others beat up Axel for helping Riku escape," Demyx said. "They beat him up pretty bad. I tried to help him, but Kadaj knocked me out... and Zexion was still too weak."

"We thought they had killed him... He had trouble breathing afterwards, they must've broken a few of his ribs... he was unconscious the whole night." Zexion sighed and rubbed his temple, brushing back his hair again. "At least we learned Riku had been able to escape."

"I... I was able to shake Sephiroth off in the darker parts of Hollow Bastion, where we used to play... I didn't stop running until I found a police station, tried to get them to help... But... those damned bastards didn't do anything! They said they couldn't search for the boys unless they were reported missing, which they fucking were, and then they said they had to wait until the next day to get a judge to give them a warrant... Bullshit! The police in Hollow Bastion... Nothing but assholes who wouldn't do as much as lifting a finger to help someone..." Riku kicked the table in front of him angrily, water glasses falling down onto the carpet. "So I... called the only person I could think of... I called Cloud, telling him what had happened, completely hysteric. He told me to calm down and wait for him... and only three hours later he was there, Leon and Aerith with him. They had taken Leon's father's boat to get to the main land, and Aerith' uncle had lent them a van, and Leon must've driven like a maniac to get there this fast... We... we drove to our house, and..."

"They set the house on fire," Zexion continued when Riku didn't say more. "We were still in that room in the basement, Axel was still unconscious, and... then we smelled smoke and... well... we couldn't really hear anything. And we knew nobody would hear us..."

"It was Cloud's idea to set the house on fire, to surprise my brothers," Riku explained. "It worked, too... Leon and Cloud went in, and I followed them. They took my brothers by surprise... Only three of them though. Sephiroth was nowhere to be found. Still, Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo were knocked out by them, and I showed them where they held my friends captive... Cloud opened the lock somehow, I couldn't really see anything because of the smoke everywhere... They rushed in, Leon carried Axel, Cloud helped Zexion, and I led Demyx upstairs... But my brothers were gone. Sephiroth must've found them... Anyway, we were out, and Aerith brought us to... a hospital at first. They tended their wounds, especially Axel's ribs and Zexion's eye, gave him this... glass... thing..."

"Later... Aerith brought us to an isolated mansion which belonged to another relative of hers, outside the city, while Cloud tried to find out where Sephiroth and the others were," Demyx said. "He couldn't find them, but at least the police believed him now, after they had seen us... They searched the whole city for them, but couldn't find them. We... stayed in the mansion, tried to... to... heal..." He sighed. "All of us dreamed about everything that had happened even weeks later... Axel was feeling worst, but he refused to admit it. He had... the most vivid dreams. Often we would hear him scream in his sleep... and sometimes he had... flashbacks. That's what Aerith called them. He... saw, heard, felt what happened all over again, without a chance to stop it. Then he would hear Kadaj telling him he was beautiful again, would feel... what they did. When someone touched him he would think it was them and start to fight them. Like... like he did when you kissed him, Roxas." He looked at Roxas who averted his gaze, trying desperately not to break out in tears.

What had he done? Axel had started to get better, to recover from those horrible experiences, and he had... had... reminded him of all this pain, all this... And all because of his damned, selfish needs, because he had been too blinded by Axel's... beauty to actually see that something was horribly wrong with him...

"The memories were triggered by... wrong words at first... or wrong touches," Demyx explained. "The mentioning of his real name, because Kadaj always called him that. Some days... some days we had to keep him away from Riku, because every time he saw him he would only see Riku's brothers and start to scream until his voice failed him... But... he never admitted how bad his condition was. Most of the time he acted as if everything was okay, so we wouldn't worry about him. He didn't even talk to Aerith, like the rest of us. He always... always put our well-being above his own. He was the big brother again, looking out for all of us... and forgetting himself in the process. Of course we were still worried. But... he seemed to get better. The dreams weren't as bad anymore. The flashbacks were happening less and less, until they stopped... It was... good. For a while."

"Yes, all of us were healing," Zexion agreed. "Not only physically, but also mentally... Cloud was helping us a lot too. But he decided it wouldn't be helpful... if we stayed in the city where... where all this happened, so... he sent Leon back here, to prepare everything... He found this house for us, signed us up for this school where he and Cloud and Aerith were already working... He was very helpful too, although he hardly ever talked to us..."

"That's why Mr. Strife and Miss Gainsborough were missing so long last year..." Sora whispered.

"But... but Mr. Leonhart didn't act like he already knew you when you joined us for the first time," Roxas said, thinking back. "He... he called Axel 'Akuseru', and..."

"Yes, he didn't know how much Axel hates that name," Demyx agreed smiling. "But it wasn't his fault. He knew Axel from the past, when both of them were in the orphanage. Back then Axel was still 'Akuseru'. But... he didn't really like that name, so he let himself be called Axel all the time... and later... Kadaj called him 'Akuseru'." The smile grew sadder. "Since Leon came back immediately to prepare everything for us he didn't really have the chance to talk to us. But... do you really think he didn't act a bit... nicer than usual towards us?" Demyx winked. "He even refrained from wearing leather on our first day, because that was something Riku's brothers always did..."

Now that Roxas thought about it... Mr. Leonhart had acted really weird on this first day... awfully forgiving...

"He and Cloud said they didn't want to treat us differently in school," Zexion explained. "To help us adapt to our new surroundings more quickly."

He fell silent again, and for a while nobody dared to break the silence again. But this time the silence was not as burdensome as before... Now that the secret was out, it was... easier.

"Why... why didn't you tell us earlier?" Sora asked after a while, nervously playing with his pendant. "If... if we had known..."

"But we didn't want you to know yet," Zexion interrupted him gently. "Sora, it was barely five weeks ago that we met each other for the first time. It was simply too soon to tell you something like this, even though you were really nice to us." He smirked playfully at Riku. "And some of us thought you would think less of us if you knew about it."

Riku blushed and looked down at his hands.

"How could we?" Sora asked, gently grasping one of the silver haired boy's hands. Riku blinked surprised, causing Sora to chuckle lightly. "Like I said before, friends don't do that. How could we just... leave you alone now?" He looked at his twin. "We don't think less of you, right, Roxy?"

"No... Of course not," Roxas replied, cursing his voice for sounding so weak. "I just... wished I had known before..."

"It really wasn't your fault, Roxas," Demyx said, finally letting go of his shoulders. He folded his hands in his lap, sighing deeply. "It wasn't only Riku who didn't want you two to know. Axel didn't want us to tell you especially, you know?"

Roxas' head jerked up, his blue eyes locking with big, blue-green ones.

"Why?" he breathed, needing to hear the answer and fearing it at the same time. Demyx smiled.

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked gently.

No, it wasn't! And Roxas needed to hear the reason, he was so close to grabbing the mulleted boy and force an answer out of him...

... and froze when he heard the front door open and close again, and a voice he recognized all too well...

"Hey guys, I'm back..." Axel called out from the hallway. Something was dropped to the floor, sounding like a bag or something.

The other boys' faces fell, as if they hadn't expected the redhead to show up yet.

"Hey, Zex, I didn't get the book you wanted, but I found another one you might like..." Axel said as he was entering the room, looking at a book in his hand. When he looked up he froze, his bright eyes widening when his gaze fell on Sora who was still holding Riku's hand, slowly wandering over Zexion, Demyx...

Roxas wanted to cry when those beautiful eyes finally rested on him, boring into his soul and shattering his heart into thousand pieces, emerald orbs filling with confusion, anger and sadness almost instantly.

"What... the fuck?" Axel spat, taking a step back as if Roxas had tried to hit him, dropping the book and raising his arms a bit. His eyes narrowed again, flashing dangerously. "What is he doing here?"

Now Roxas could really feel tears trickling down his cheeks, and he sniffed quietly, causing Axel to look at him again.

What had he done? Of course Axel had to hate him now, after all he had done wrong, after all he had said...

There were tears in Axel's eyes too, and the frown on his face softened a bit when he looked at Roxas, but he still looked angry. And when he saw the guilty faces of his friends, anger turned into horror, and he took another step back.

"You... you told him?" he gasped, clutching his own throat as if he couldn't breathe properly anymore. "You... you fucking told... you told him?"

"Axel, we thought..." Demyx tried to say, but Axel didn't want to listen.

"I didn't want him to know!" he yelled furiously, his pale face flushed from anger now. A lone tear trailed down his cheek, soon followed by more. It broke Roxas heart even more, shattering every single piece into thousand more. It hurt so bad... he didn't want Axel to be sad, or angry... "Fuck! How could you? I didn't want him to know! Not him!"

"Axel..." Riku said, but the redhead didn't listen to him as well.

"No! How could you? Fuck!" Axel sobbed, closing his tear-filled eyes, causing more of the tears to fall. He whirled around and ran away, not even listening to his friends crying out his name.

Roxas wanted to die. He started to cry, his body being racked by heavy sobs, collapsing into his brother's arms when Sora rushed over to him to embrace him.

What had he done?

---

Tears dried again, and Roxas soon chose to leave. Demyx and Sora tried to comfort him, but nothing they could say would probably help him now. He just wanted to be alone. After all he had learned today, after this horrible story about what had happened to them... After Axel had looked at him like that, beautiful emerald eyes full of sadness, confusion, pain and hatred...

What is he doing here?

I didn't want him to know! Not him!

The way his voice had sounded higher than normal, the way it almost broke at the end, the way he had looked at Roxas, so... hurt, and angry... His angry words echoed in Roxas' head, until he couldn't bear it anymore.

Roxas wanted to go home. He wanted to go to his room, lock himself in and never, ever come out again... His head hurt from crying so much, but not as much as his heart hurt. The physical pain wasn't even that bad, but the way his soul cried out for a certain redhead, the way his mind and heart yearned for the beautiful boy to forgive him, the way guilt was slowly killing him... Never had he felt this horrible. Never. Not even when he had hurt his beloved brother...

"Idiot..." he whispered to himself, wiping his burning eyes with one hand. He could already see his house in the distance. People were looking at him strangely, but he couldn't care about that. There was no room inside of him left to care about anything else but Axel, the breathtaking, gorgeous redhead who had stolen his heart without even knowing it, who hated him now... "Idiot!" he sobbed again, a little bit louder, gasping for air loudly. His eyes already felt sore, his cheeks were raw and red from crying. He wanted to go home...

He arrived at the gate, and this time it took him three tries to type in the right code. He walked in, heading for the front door... but suddenly he didn't want to go inside. He didn't want to go into the living room, where he had tried to kiss Axel for the first time, he didn't want to be in any of the other rooms where he had been with his 'test subjects', and he didn't want to go to his room, where he had always been alone... He didn't want to be inside, he only had to look at the house to feel like the walls were suffocating him...

He needed to breathe. He needed... he needed...

He needed Axel...

He needed the redhead to tell him everything was okay. He needed him to laugh and smirk and tease him, tousle his hair and call him 'Sunshine', like he had done before...

... before Roxas had fucked everything up.

He fell to his knees, one hand still on the knob of the door, legs no longer being able to support his weight. He felt dizzy, numb, everything felt so unreal... Slowly his hand slid from the knob, fell to the floor. He was sitting at the doorstep for a moment, staring straight ahead, but not seeing... listening to the gentle rustling of the palm trees, but not hearing...

Thousands of confused, hurt, guilty thoughts were filling his head, but he couldn't think. He gasped for air, but couldn't breathe. His heart, his soul was crying out and he cried out with it, a pained, drawn-out sound coming from his dry lips, tearing his throat apart, his burning eyes closing tightly, hands fisted in his golden hair. He cried and screamed and sobbed until his throat hurt so badly that it felt like it bled, until fresh, warm tears leaked from his closed eyes, until his head throbbed from the pain.

He took deep, painful breaths, trying to calm himself down, but he heard those words again and again, saw those eyes, remembered what he had done, what he had said, how much he had hurt Axel, and he wanted to scream again.

He pulled himself up again, grabbing the railing behind him and held onto it until he trusted his legs enough to carry him again. He turned and walked to the side of the house, to the flower garden, past his stone table, past his mother's beloved white roses, grabbing the gate that led down to the beach...

... froze and had to lean on the gate to prevent himself from falling again.

Because down there he saw a flash of red, green and black, as the very redhead, he had been thinking about this whole time, was slowly wandering over the beach, holding onto the palm trees, which separated the private beach from the public one, as he was passing them. His slender hands ran over the bark of the trees, and he stumbled once, throwing one arm around the nearest tree to prevent himself from falling down.

He was too far away for Roxas to see his eyes, but the way he was looking down all the time, the way his shoulders were slumped, the way his steps lacked the grace and ease they were usually showing, the way his movements were slow, almost drowsy... It was so unlike Axel, so wrong...

Roxas' hand flew to his mouth to stifle a loud gasp, even though he was too far away for Axel to hear him anyway. Axel let go of the palm tree, stumbling forward a few steps more before he tripped, falling to his knees.

He stayed like this, not making a move to stand up again. No, he even sat down completely in the warm sand, his whole frame... slumping. Even his fiery hair seemed to be drooping more than usual. He sat there, staring at the ground before him, not even blinking. His mouth opened and closed a few times, and he sucked in a shaky breath, hands clenching into fists and relaxing again.

And then he screamed.

Emerald eyes closed, his beautiful face contorted into a mask of pure anguish, hands shot up to fist in soft red spikes, and then he took one deep breath and let it out again in a long, pained, despaired scream, much like Roxas had done only moments before, throwing his head back and then falling forward, hands digging into the white sand. He was breathing hectically now, slim shoulders jerking every now and then. He bent down slowly, hiding his face in the crook of one arm, the other hand closing around the fabric of his forest green jacket, right above his heart.

Roxas didn't even realize he had moved until he was standing right next to the redhead, one hand outstretched and hovering over a trembling shoulder. He froze, staring down at the redheaded boy, his already shattered heart breaking all over again when he heard a soft whimper fall from the other boy's lips.

He didn't know how to react. Axel didn't even seem to acknowledge him, maybe... maybe he could go away again, leave him alone... Axel didn't want to see him anyway now...

I didn't want him to know! Not him!

Again he heard the angry voice, but somehow it didn't seem to suit the miserable redhead curled up at his feet anymore. Again he caught a sound, somewhere between a gasp and a sob, and his hand moved on its own, touching a bony shoulder gently.

Axel shot up into a kneeling position with a small, startled yell, swatting Roxas' hand away and falling back on his butt, stopping his fall with both hands. He stared up at Roxas stupefied, bright green eyes widening, his mouth falling open.

Roxas held his hurting hand close to his chest, staring back without saying a word.

For a few seconds neither of them dared to move. Then Axel blinked and exhaled shakily.

"Fuck!" he swore, his voice sounding slightly higher than usual. "What are you doing here? Trying to give me a fucking heart-attack? Fuck!" He looked away and rubbed his reddened eyes.

Roxas sighed, trying not to show how much the redhead's words had hurt. The way he had stressed 'you' made the sentence sound like 'Not you of all people! Leave me alone! I don't want to see you ever again!'

In Roxas' opinion anyway.

He didn't say anything, just turned around and wanted to leave again. What had he been thinking? Of course Axel didn't want to see him. After all he had done, after all the things he had said...

"W-Wait!"

He stopped, looking back over his shoulder, peering at the redhead still sitting in the sand. Axel blinked a few times, started to play with a wristband he was wearing. He seemed to want to say something, but closed his mouth again, looking down dejectedly.

"Sorry," he mumbled, his voice now sounding flat, somewhat... dull. The redhead stood up, brushing sand from his black pants. "It's your beach. Fuck, I don't even know how I got here, I'll just..." He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, then turned around and started to walk away, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

Roxas watched him for a moment, torn between the guilt for his behavior, the wish to leave Axel alone because the redhead had to hate him... and the overwhelming desire to hold him back and to apologize for all the things he had done, to... to...

"Axel... wait, please," he called out, running after the redhead and grabbing his arm to hold him back, flinching when Axel immediately wrestled himself free and as he raised his arm as if to protect himself. But he stopped, looking down at Roxas, his face blank once again, emerald eyes guarded and cautious.

Roxas let his hand drop to his side, looking down at his feet. He didn't know where to start...

"Look, I'm sorry." Roxas' head jerked up when he heard Axel saying this, frowning surprised. Axel sighed. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I know you didn't want to see me... I really don't know how I got here," the redhead said calmly. "I was just... running around, I didn't exactly care where I was going... It's fine, you don't have to act like... yanno. Like we're still... friends."

What is he talking about?

"What are you talking about?" Roxas' words echoed his thoughts, confusion clearing his mind of every apology he had thought of so far.

"Oh, stop that," Axel growled, scowling at Roxas angrily. "You made pretty clear you didn't want to see me anymore. You don't have to feel pressured to be nice to me because you pity me!"

"What?" Roxas blurted out again, confusion now mixing with unbearable guilt... and a little bit of anger. "No, it's not that... I..."

"I said stop it, Roxas," Axel snarled, raising one hand again. "I don't want your pity! I never wanted you to know about..."

"Would you please shut up?" Roxas yelled, causing Axel to wince and narrow his eyes at him slightly. "I'm trying to apologize here!"

"It's fine, whatever you think you have to apologize for," Axel sighed. "You didn't do anything wrong..."

"Yes, I did!" Roxas was close to break out in tears, but he held them back stubbornly. But he thought his voice must've betrayed him, because Axel's features softened visibly. "I did do everything wrong! I... I tried to kiss you, I called you beautiful, I... I..."

"It's okay," Axel said, smiling sadly. "You didn't know."

"I didn't think!" Roxas replied heatedly. "I didn't ask! It was so obvious! I should have seen something was wrong, I should... I... I should have asked..."

"I wouldn't have told you," Axel answered. "I didn't want you to know."

"Why not?" Roxas felt desperation welling up inside him, choking him slightly, filling his eyes with tears yet again. Hadn't he cried enough already? "I would never... never have tried to kiss you, or... or thought you would... flirt with me..." He looked away, no longer able to see the sadness in beautiful emerald eyes. "I never would have kissed you at the party. I... never would have... I..." He stopped abruptly, clamping his hand over his mouth to stifle a sob. "I'm so sorry..." he managed to force out before he broke down, falling to his knees in the warm sand, crying helplessly. He felt ashamed for not being able to control himself better, but the guilt and sadness and confusion were so unbearable...

When thin, strong arms gently pulled him into a warm embrace he didn't resist, but latched onto Axel instantly, burying his face in the coarse material of his jacket. He felt a hand combing through his hair tenderly, felt a gentle kiss being pressed on his temple, felt a long arm circling his waist. He half laughed, half sobbed and hugged the redhead back with all his might.

"Shh..." he heard Axel whisper into his ear, felt the redhead nudging a sensitive spot behind his ear with his nose. "Don't cry, Sunshine... Please, I hate to see you cry..."

The use of his stupid nickname made Roxas only cry harder, even though he tried to calm down, not to show this weakness in front of the boy he loved so much...

"I'm s-so s-sorry," he sobbed, feeling a hand stroking his hair gently again.

"I know, Roxas. I'm sorry too," Axel said quietly. "It was my fault that all this shit happened. I'm sorry. Don't cry..." He rested his chin on Roxas' head, starting to rock the crying boy back and forth softly. "Shh... Please, don't cry. It's okay, Sunshine, it's okay..."

"N-Nothing is okay!" Roxas screamed, but he didn't possess the strength to push Axel away. "I f-fucked up everything, and you hate me..."

"I don't hate you," Axel replied softly. "I could... I could never hate you."

"But..." Roxas started, but Axel shook his head, sighing into Roxas' hair.

"No, Roxas, I don't hate you. You didn't do anything wrong," he said again, playing with a few golden strands absentmindedly.

It felt... nice...

Roxas' eyes closed on their own, and he allowed himself to relax completely in Axel's arms. He wished they could stay like this... He wished this meant something, he wished... he wished...

"Better?" Axel asked, and Roxas could hear the soft smile in the redhead's voice. He didn't dare to look up or say anything, fearing it would ruin this perfect moment. He just wanted to stay like this, listening to the wind rustling in the trees, to the waves rolling onto the beach, to the faint beating of Axel's heart... wanting to smell this unique scent of cinnamon and caramel, wanting to feel slender fingers weaving through his hair, so soothing, so relaxing... He snuggled closer to the other boy unconsciously, savoring this perfect moment...

... until he realized what he was doing.

He gasped loudly and pulled away, only to be stopped by the arm still resting around his waist. He stared at Axel who was smiling back at him sadly. The redhead slowly pulled his arm away, nodding and backing away a bit.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to... to... You didn't have to hug me... I... I'm sorry, I just..." Roxas stuttered, feeling a hot blush creeping into his cheeks.

"It's okay," Axel calmed him down, still smiling this strange, sad smile. "I understand. You're just confused..." He sighed and rubbed his eyes, then let his hand drop again and looked away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that."

What the HELL?

"I can't help it, I... I just can't see you cry," Axel continued, smiling sheepishly without looking up again. Roxas believed his heart had stopped beating at hearing this, and he felt the blush on his face heating up even more, felt his hands start to shake.

What was Axel talking about? Taking advantage?

"He... I'm sorry, I know you said you didn't want me to come near you anymore." Axel groaned softly and ran both hands through his hair, then moved to stand up. The smile had long vanished, leaving a tired, sad expression on his handsome face. "I'm really, really sorry, I just..."

"Wait!" Roxas cried and grabbed Axel's hand before the redhead could go away and leaving him like this, even more confused than before. "I didn't mean it, I..."

"Roxas, I told you to stop that," Axel said tiredly, trying to wrench his hand away from Roxas' grasp. "Don't pity me. You don't have to act like you still like me. You told me to stay away, and I understand that, really... I..." He swallowed and bit his lower lip briefly. "I tried to... to... kill you... I didn't want to, but that doesn't change the fact that... I hurt you. I understand if you never want to see me again. Let's just forget this, okay?"

"No, goddammit!" Roxas yelled, jumping up and grabbed Axel's sleeve to prevent the redhead from running away, causing the other boy to cringe and stare at him surprised. "Now shut the fuck up and listen to me! I don't want you to go, okay? I want you to stay! I want to apologize for everything I did, for everything I said... I'm sorry for... for reminding you of what happened. I'm sorry for... ignoring how much I scared you. I'm sorry for causing the flashback... I'm sorry for acting like the spoiled brat that I am, I'm sorry... for yelling at you, for ignoring you, for not letting you explain, for... I'm sorry for hurting you." He looked down at his feet. "There are so many other things I'm sorry for, but... I think that sums it up. I'm sorry for hurting you." He felt all choked up again, but thankfully his eyes stayed dry this time. "I would understand it if you didn't want to see me again. There is no excuse for my behavior towards you, and... and I don't really expect you to forgive me for that. That I didn't know what happened to you does not excuse my actions. I knew you did not want me to... kiss you, but I did, and I am sorry for that... I knew you didn't feel the same for me, and I should have respected that..."

Axel stayed silent, and Roxas was grateful for that. He didn't think he would have been able to continue if the redhead had interrupted him...

"What I did to you was selfish, thoughtless and cruel," he continued after taking a deep breath. "I only thought about myself and my own needs, and I didn't see how uncomfortable my advances made you feel. I'm sorry for interpreting your actions the wrong way. I was blinded by... by my feelings for you. I only saw what I wanted to see, I saw the way you smiled at me, the way you acted around me and assumed it meant more than it really did..." Suddenly he felt drained. Drained, empty and tired. And unbelievably stupid! Fuck, what had he been thinking? Nothing Axel had done had ever indicated he saw Roxas as more than a friend. The teasing and hugging and smiling... It was just the way Axel was. It was the way Axel had been before... before Riku's brothers had hurt him so much. Obviously Axel had started to recover, and Roxas' careless actions had... had... ruined him.

"I'm sorry. For everything," Roxas whispered again, closing his eyes. "I... I know that you probably don't want to hear it, but... I still like you. I didn't mean when I said I didn't like you anymore because of... what happened. It wasn't your fault, it was mine, and deep down... I knew that all along. I was angry at myself because of it, but I tried to... to blame you for everything... It was wrong. It was my fault all along." He didn't even know if Axel understood what he was trying to say, or if what he said made any sense at all... "I know I've probably blown my chances to ever become your friend again. But I can't help feeling the way I do, and I'm sorry for that too... I..."

He didn't know what to say anymore. He let go of Axel's sleeve, his hand dropping to his side weakly. There. He had apologized.

Why didn't he feel better?

If anything he felt worse than before... Just thinking about what he had done made him feel sick...

"You... you mean that?" he heard Axel ask timidly. "You still... like me? After everything that has happened? After I tried to... to... choke you? Everything?"

Roxas closed his eyes and nodded, staying quiet.

"You mean... 'Like me' as in 'Like me as a friend' or..."

"You know what I mean," Roxas interrupted the redhead bitterly. "I like you. I like you more than I should... more than you'd like me to, probably. I like you so much it... hurts, because now I know... what happened to you, and..." He couldn't say it. He just couldn't explain it better. He groaned and pressed the balls of his hands to his eyes. "Fuck! Sorry... I didn't want to... make you uncomfortable again. Sorry..."

Great. That stupid little confession had probably really ruined any chance to... to... come closer to Axel again...

For a moment he didn't hear a sound, and he already suspected Axel had run away...

"You are not going to cry again, are you?" Axel asked.

"No," he answered tiredly, letting his hands drop again and shaking his head weakly, not daring to look up. He felt so drained... "I've cried enough for today, I think."

"Oh, good..." was all the warning he got before...

... a hand closed around his shoulder and pulled him forward, another hand gently grasping his chin and forcing him to look up again...

... warm, soft lips touching his own tenderly, causing his knees to go weak and his heart to stop beating, the hand on his shoulder moved to rest on the small of his back to prevent him from falling, pulling him closer to the other's slender frame, their bodies being pressed flush together...

Roxas' lids fluttered closed, and he sighed softly into the kiss, holding onto Axel's jacket and shirt to steady himself. His head started to spin, and he felt the arm around his waist tighten its hold on him as he melted into the gentle embrace. The hand under his chin moved to stroke his cheek softly, nimble fingers ghosting over his flushed skin, gentle lips moving slowly on his own.

Every coherent thought fled his head as he concentrated on not passing out on Axel, and he started to kiss back shyly, feeling his heart beat almost painfully against his ribcage, ten times faster than before, and feeling a fluttering sensation, like thousands of butterflies flying around in his stomach. He felt his face heat up again, felt his lips start to tingle pleasantly. One of his hands slid between Axel's shirt and jacket, coming to rest on the taller boy's back and stayed there, the other hand still fisting in the black shirt Axel was wearing underneath the green jacket. He wanted to touch Axel's face, but he didn't dare to raise his hands, fearing he would faint if he felt real skin under his hands...

Axel pulled away briefly to gasp for air, and Roxas did the same, sighing happily when he felt those lips on his again a moment later. This second kiss was more forceful than the first one, but still sweet and somewhat shy... Roxas didn't even think about deepening the kiss, because it was perfect as it was, gentle and soft and sweet and loving, and for the first time in his life he felt... complete.

He opened his eyes again when Axel pulled away, both of them breathing faster than before. He could feel Axel's breath on his face, as he was still so close their noses were touching. Emerald eyes locked with his, appearing somewhat... dazed, but shining brightly nonetheless... Axel's cheeks were flushed a light shade of pink, which suited him beautifully in Roxas' opinion...

"You have no idea as to how long I've wanted to do that..." Axel whispered, smiling down at him adoringly.

Roxas wanted to retort something witty, but he couldn't think properly, still dazed by that wonderful kiss.

Axel sighed and buried his nose in Roxas' hair. His hand slid down to rest on Roxas' hips, long fingers brushing over the skin beneath his shirt fleetingly, sending jolts of pleasure through Roxas' whole body, causing him to gasp and his knees almost to give out under him... again. Roxas grabbed Axel's shoulders to steady himself, leaning on the redhead and resting his head on Axel's shoulder.

"Roxas," he heard Axel murmur into his hair, soft breath ruffling his hair and making him shiver. "Can I... can I tell you something? And... please, could you not interrupt me?" Axel sounded oddly... shy saying this. "I want to explain... everything. Before... before..." He groaned softly. "Fuck! Before you make a mistake. Okay? I... I don't want you to do something rash. You... have a right to know..." He laughed shakily. "You probably know most of it already, but... I have to tell you some things. But... I don't know if I can tell you everything if you interrupt me. So... please?"

"Okay," Roxas breathed, barely loud enough for the redhead to hear. "I won't interrupt you then."

"Okay..." Axel let go of Roxas, sitting down cross-legged and patting the sand next to him, indicating Roxas to sit down next to him. Roxas did, but Axel seemed to change his mind quickly, as a thin arm sneaked around Roxas' waist immediately, pulling him into the now shivering redhead's lap. Roxas let out a surprised, highly embarrassing squeak and threw his arms around Axel's neck, but he forgot about that completely when a moment later Axel hugged him close, one hand resting on his hip, the other one running through his hair gently. Roxas sighed happily and laid his head on Axel's shoulder, gently laying his own hand over the one resting on his hip. For a moment neither of them said anything, then Axel sighed again.

"Oh man, where to begin..." he mumbled wearily, then chuckled slightly. "You... You were right all along, you know? I guess... I guess I was flirting with you, like you said at the party. You remember? I said I didn't... But that was a lie. I kind of... liked the way you were looking at me, I guess... Even... even though it scared me, too..."

Roxas wanted to say something, but he held back. He bit his lip and stared out at the sea, his cheek still pressed against Axel's shoulder.

"You wanna know why I call you 'Sunshine' all the time?" Axel laughed quietly, causing Roxas to smile too. "That first day, in Leon's class, when I entered the room... the first thing I saw was you. You were sitting there in the back, and... and the sunlight was falling on you in a... special way... you looked like an angel, with your beautiful blue eyes, and golden hair, and with the way the light was casting this... halo around you... and you were blushing, don't think I didn't see that..."

Roxas' eyes widened, and the remark caused him to blush again.

"You looked so adorable, and... I didn't feel uncomfortable when you were looking at me. I always feel uncomfortable when people look at me like that..." Axel chuckled again. "It was like you were the source of this light, not the sun... And I thought you wouldn't appreciate it if I called you 'Angel', so... yeah..." Another chuckle, and a hand moved to tousle golden hair playfully. "I'm surprised myself at how well that nickname suits you... Aren't you just a small bundle of pure joy?" he added mockingly, letting his hand drop to rest on Roxas' hip again. He offered a beaming smile when Roxas glared at him, making Roxas melt instantly... "Just what I'm talking about... Such a sunny personality..." A small sigh. Roxas decided to stay silent. He was way too curious about what Axel had to say to interrupt him because of that stupid nickname thingy... "I was kinda... surprised about that drawing you did in that lesson. But... kind of... flattered too. Even though it gave me the creeps, how you knew about my... hm... fondness for fire..."

Roxas just shrugged, but stayed silent. He didn't know himself why he had drawn Axel like that, staring at the fire. It had just... fit.

"Anyway... I... was really glad when Riku and Zexion told me Sora had invited us to sit with you. I thought... I could really start to like you. That thought scared me shitless, I tell you, but... well... I couldn't help it. You were just... too cute..." Roxas blushed again. "And then... I almost blew it, because I just had to get pissed at Hayner, and... Well. You know. I tend to overreact sometimes. I... am not entirely comfortable with my looks, yanno... I tend to get offended really easily because of that. Anyway, I was ready to fall to my knees and thank every fucking higher entity watching over me when you and Sora showed up in Aerith's office... not only because that gave Riku another chance with Sora, but... because it meant I would have another chance with you too..." Axel heaved another sigh. "But then, when we were here and you tried to... yanno. Kiss me. I... I was..." He swallowed nervously, and Roxas had to suppress the urge to kiss him again. He had to hold back... That Axel had kissed him before didn't mean he just could do that too... And the redhead obviously had a hard time explaining everything to him already...

"I was... so close to having another flashback..." Axel whispered shakily, starting to stroke Roxas' hair with his free hand gently, the other one squeezing Roxas' hip almost uncomfortably tight. "I was so scared, but... not of you. I was scared I could get one of those goddamned flashbacks and... try to hurt you... and... well... I couldn't stand the thought. That's why I ran away. I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at myself... for not being able to control them... I thought I had gotten rid of them, but... that night I had the first one in months. I didn't tell the others about it, I don't want them to worry..."

Roxas bit his lip again and shifted his position so he could embrace the taller redhead properly. He squeezed the other boy gently, earning a nervous smile in return.

"I don't know what they told you about... about my flashbacks, but... they are... horrible," he explained gloomily, and this time Roxas couldn't hold back.

"I know," he murmured softly, feeling Axel flinch in his arms. "It's okay. Go on."

"'Kay..." Axel breathed and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "After that I wanted... to stay away from you. I hated to think about what would happen if you ever found out about what happened to me... to us. I didn't want anybody to know about that. I was scared people would... would treat me differently because of it. Or talk about me. Or... I dunno. I just... didn't want to be treated like a doll or something. I hate it when people... pity me. I didn't want you to pity me. Or be disgusted... being able to see how... how broken... and... tainted I am..."

Roxas shook his head. He wanted to object, to tell Axel he didn't think that he was broken or tainted, but Axel laid two fingers over his lips, silencing him.

"No, please... no interruptions," Axel said, the grip around Roxas' waist tightening. "Please. I have to tell you."

Roxas sighed and nodded, catching Axel's hand when the redhead tried to pull it away. He didn't know why he did it, but he pressed a gentle kiss on the palm of Axel's hand and held it close to his chest with both hands, smiling up at the redhead who blushed a little, obviously taken aback by the affectionate gesture.

Axel blinked a few times, then returned the smile nervously. He cleared his throat and looked away, his cheeks still tinged with a slightly pink color.

"Eh... anyway... I... decided not to talk to you again, and I tried to... to tell myself it was better that way. I mean... I was really a bit pissed about what you tried to pull off there, but... I was afraid of the flashbacks even more." He shook his head. "And I was afraid I could hurt you. Which I did." A deep sigh. "Well... when Sora asked me where you were the next day and started to freak out about you not being in school... it made me feel... guilty. Dunno why. I mean, you were the one who..." He blinked, then blushed and grinned at Roxas sheepishly. "Sorry. But... you know, you really caught me off-guard there... and..." He groaned and ran a hand over his face irritated. "Goddammit! Sorry. Anyway! When I saw you then... when you were helping Demyx... That was quite a shock for me. I mean... Demyx never let people other than us touch him. That... made you really special, I think. And I thought it would be good for Demy to make new friends here, so I... decided I'd try to... to forget about what happened and try to... be nice to you. I guess... I got carried away then."

He fell silent for a while, now starting to play with the wristband around Roxas' wrist with his free hand, the other one still holding Roxas in place. Roxas stayed silent too, even though he wanted to say something, to comfort the redhead so badly...

"You know, before... Kadaj and the others... kidnapped us, I really liked to hug other people and stuff," Axel said smiling. "Ask Zexion, I annoyed him endlessly with that. And... with you... it was so easy to be like that again. Demyx, Zexion and Riku were the only ones whom I let come near me like this after... you know. But... that wasn't quite the same. You didn't seem to mind when I got all touchy-feely again. I liked that. And I liked... the way you... acted all shy around me, because I knew you weren't like that around others. I liked... the way you looked at me. Like you really thought what you said back then... when you said I was beautiful... It scared me, because it reminded me of Kadaj, and the way he had looked at me sometimes... but I liked it, because it was you who looked at me like that. God, that sounds weird..." Axel grimaced slightly, then grinned. "Well... I loved to tease you, because you are too cute for your own good when you blush. Or pout. Or both."

Roxas glared at him and smacked the side of his head lightly, causing Axel to laugh out loud.

"Yeah, exactly like that!" Axel chuckled, and Roxas could feel his face heat up even more when the redhead suddenly leaned forward and kissed his cheek lightly. Oh, he wanted more of that...

"And then... then I realized what I did," Axel continued to explain, nuzzling Roxas' cheek gently. Roxas' breathing quickened, and suddenly he started to shiver. The feeling wasn't unpleasant, hell no, far from it. But... he doubted he would be able to hold back if Axel kept doing that...

Thankfully Axel seemed to notice, because he leaned back again and smiled at Roxas. "I realized I... didn't really act like I wanted to be your friend," the redhead said. "I kept telling myself it wouldn't be fair to do this to you, but... I couldn't help it. I knew why you were acting like you did. I knew you liked me... But it felt so good... to... be near you..." Axel stopped and blinked a few times, then started to giggle. "Okay, did that sound as perverted as I think it did?" he asked, throwing his head back and laughing out loud when Roxas nodded grinning.

Roxas watched him amazed. He was so beautiful when he laughed, even more than usual... He wanted to tell him that, but he feared Axel wouldn't want to hear it...

But he couldn't stop himself from reaching out and cupping a pale cheek with one hand. Axel stopped laughing immediately, but he still grinned as he stared at Roxas surprised.

"You are... gorgeous when you laugh, you know that?" Roxas said, tracing the tattoo on Axel's left cheek fascinated, then moved his hand to weave it through soft, fiery red hair. He noticed Axel was blushing again, and he decided he liked that sight. It let the redhead's eyes shine even more, he thought.

A unusually shy smile found its way to Axel's lips, and he grabbed Roxas' hand gently, never breaking eye contact as he kissed it softly.

"Thank you..." he whispered, intertwining his fingers with Roxas'. "And you are adorable, no matter what you do." He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "You really are too cute for your own good. Sorry. But, please..."

"I know, go on. I'll listen," Roxas said.

"Okay," Axel breathed, then took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes in an unbelievably cute way that didn't seem to suit him at all and made Roxas want to kiss him senseless... but he held back and listened.

"Where was I? Oh, yes..." Axel sighed. "You were right at the party. I was flirting with you. Maybe not... intentionally. I tried to deny it. I tried to tell myself it was only... I don't know. Friendly. I knew it wasn't, but the thought scared me way too much... so I denied it. I shouldn't have. Even Demyx and Zexion noticed I was... acting... differently around you. I think Demyx knew it all along, even when I didn't know myself what I was feeling yet... They... they wanted to talk about it, but somehow I always managed to change the topic to Riku and his crush on Sora, and... well. Then there was the party." He sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking at a point behind Roxas' shoulder thoughtfully. "I guess I got a bit too excited about the fire. And... when you were sitting there, all on your own... I had to cheer you up somehow. I... can't stand to see you sad. And then... things got... complicated."

"I'm sor-..." Roxas again was stopped by a hand over his mouth. Axel shook his head.

"Don't be. It was my fault, I... encouraged you to do it, unknowingly... I did flirt with you. What were you supposed to think? I'm sorry... and..." The hand trailed down to brush over Roxas' neck tenderly. He shivered and closed his eyes, relishing the soft touch. "I'm sorry for that too..."

Roxas opened his eyes again, confused by the sound of Axel's voice. It sounded so... odd. Choked.

He gasped at seeing emerald eyes looking at him, appearing glossy because of tears that were not yet falling.

"I can't believe I did that..." Axel whispered, slender fingers grazing the soft skin on Roxas' throat again. The fleeting touch sent pleasurable shivers down Roxas' spine, and he had to bite his lip to stifle a moan when suddenly Axel leaned forward to kiss his neck softly, warm lips touching the sensitive skin briefly.

"I can't... I can't believe..." Axel whispered again, so close Roxas could still feel his lips move on his skin. But what made him gasp this time was the sudden wetness he felt on his skin...

"Axel... don't cry..." he whispered, raising both hands to stroke spiky red hair softly. "Don't cry, it's okay..."

"It's not okay!" Axel replied distressed, throwing both arms around Roxas' waist and hugging him close, still pressing his face against Roxas' neck. "It's not! I should have... I should have stopped it, I knew what you were trying to do... I should have stopped you, or... or told you, or at least run away... Anything! I felt I was getting a flashback when you... when you called me beautiful, but I... was so confused, and a part of me wanted you to kiss me and... I... Oh, God..." Axel started to cry, and shake in Roxas' arms. Roxas continued to stroke his hair and shoulders and back in an attempt to calm him down a bit. "I could have killed you! I should have stayed away from you, I..."

"It wasn't your fault," Roxas said quietly. "It was mine. I'm sorry."

"I-It hurt s-so bad," Axel sobbed exasperated. "To... to see you... looking at me like that, your eyes... your eyes were s-so cold... so hurt... I didn't want that, I..."

"I know, Axel," Roxas whispered softly. "I'm not mad anymore. It's okay."

"I didn't want it, I never wanted to hurt you..." Axel didn't seem to hear him. "I couldn't control it, I'm so sorry... Y-Your eyes were s-so cold..."

"Axel!" Roxas grabbed the redhead's shoulders and shoved him away a bit, looking him straight in the eye. The sight of tears on pale cheeks made his heart clench painfully, and he raised one hand to wipe the tears from Axel's face gently. "Look at me," he pleaded. "I'm not mad anymore. I should never have been. There was no reason to be mad at you. I'm sorry."

Tear-filled, emerald eyes stared at him, pleading, searching for something. He just looked back, trying to hold back tears himself. It hurt to see Axel like this. So... broken.

"It hurt so bad... when you told me to stay away from you," Axel finally whispered, his voice raw and full of emotion. "When you yelled at me, looking at me with those cold eyes, so full of... hatred... When I saw you with... with that girl. It hurt... But... But I told myself it was better that way... That at least you wouldn't be hurt... if I stayed away from you. The guilt and... regret were killing me... To think about what I had almost done... it hurt way more than the flashback itself. To watch you... watch you acting like you did... talking to other people, laughing, like... nothing ever happened... I told myself over and over again I should be happy that it didn't seem to affect you that much. But how... could I be happy seeing you... kiss someone else? I... I tried not to show how hard it was on me. I couldn't let the others know. They have enough to worry about, they... shouldn't worry about me too."

Just like Demyx had said. He was always thinking about others, forgetting himself in the process...

"Riku was so mad, he... he said I should stop being a goddamn pussy and talk to you, but... I knew you didn't want me to, and I couldn't," Axel said, wiping another tear from his cheek. "I just couldn't. I thought you... you would hate me even more if you knew why I... had those flashbacks. I thought you would think I'm a freak. I didn't want you to think that. I... I preferred you hating me to you knowing how... weak and... and... used and tainted I am. And then... and then I saw you, in my living room, and I knew that you knew and... I just... flipped. I didn't want you of all people to know. And... I hated myself, because... because I made you cry again..."

Roxas couldn't think of anything to say. So he remained silent, holding back tears when Axel smiled at him shakily, his bright green eyes still full of tears.

"I don't even know how I landed here of all places on this damned island... I... felt so... numb, I didn't really know where I was going anymore," the redhead explained, smoothing a golden strand out of Roxas' face with a trembling hand. "And... and... when I saw you... I thought I was... already imagining things... But you were really here, and... and your eyes... weren't cold anymore... there was no hate, only... only sorrow, and... that was even worse..." He looked away again, tried to hide his face in his hands. Roxas felt his heart break all over again.

"I... I was so happy when you said you... still liked me..." Axel whispered. "But... But I don't... I don't deserve someone like you... I can't..."

No! Don't say that! Please don't say that!

Roxas wanted to cry again, but he held back, only took Axel's badly shaking hands and pulled them away from his face.

"You deserve so much more than someone like me," he said, trying to sound as genuine as possible, trying to keep the slight tremor out of his voice. "You deserve more than a selfish brat like me. You deserve..."

"No, I don't! I can't!" Axel cried, holding Roxas' hands so tight it hurt, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head fiercely, bright red hair flying around his head. "I can't stand the thought of... of tainting someone as... as beautiful and angelic and wonderful like you..."

Roxas blushed heavily, not knowing if he should feel happy or sad about this.

"What if... what if I try to hurt you again?" Axel sobbed, barely holding back tears again. "What if I get another flashback when you kiss me, what if... I could kill you, Roxas! I couldn't live if I ever hurt you again..."

"You won't hurt me," Roxas replied softly, and he meant it. "Hey... Look at me. Please?"

Axel refused to look up, only shook his head again. "No, I can't..."

"Axel..." Roxas breathed, gently brushing a hand over the redhead's wet face. "Would... would it be okay if I ask for your permission to kiss you?"

Axel's head jerked up at this, and emerald eyes widened surprised. Axel blinked, frowned and tried to say something, but failed.

"You... you didn't seem to have a problem kissing me. So... if you know it's me you're kissing, it's okay, right?" Roxas blushed heavily yet again, but he refused to look away. "I just... surprised you, at the party. But... if I ask you before I try to kiss you... you can still refuse, if you're not comfortable with it, or if... you think you would get a flashback because of it. Would... that help?"

Axel blinked again, then sighed shakily, looking down at their hands, still intertwined tightly.

"I... don't know..." he whispered, but stopped when Roxas leaned forward, their noses almost touching.

"I really want to be with you," Roxas whispered, feeling his heartbeat quicken as he said this. "I want to help you. I want to hold you when you're sad. I want to... be there for you. Do you understand?" Axel nodded hesitantly. Roxas smiled sweetly. "So... can I kiss you now?"

Axel smiled too, nervously, then nodded, never taking his eyes off Roxas'.

And when Roxas closed the gap between them to kiss this wonderful, beautiful boy who had stolen his heart, when again his heart stopped beating for a second as their lips touched, when he felt the redhead responding to his kiss, making him feel all weak and tingly and wonderful inside... he never stopped smiling, because he knew it would be okay. They would make it work.

---

Author's Note: There. And if anybody asks me why this chapter took so long I'm gonna break down and cry.

Actually I thought about splitting this chapter up a few times. I mean... it is friggin long. But if I had split it, you guys would have been left with yet another cliffie and without AkuRoku-ness. I couldn't do that to you. So... worship me! MUAHAHAHAHA!!

Not. Eh. No.

Goddammit! I was in the middle of writing this chapter when I realized... I CAN'T WRITE FLUFF!!! T.T That scene is crap! I hate it! ;( And I have the feeling I fricken rushed the AkuRoku part! Nooooooooooo!

x/ I hate this chapter. I really, really hate it, and I didn't even read it through after my beta corrected it. Oh, yeah, that's right, this chapter is the first one that has been beta-ed! Yay!

Oh well. I'm taking a break now. My fingers hurt. Please be nice to me when you review, this chapter really, really got me down... sigh. If you hate this chapter as much as I do... eh... well. Go on and make me cry.