CPOV

I'm sitting in my home office. It's 8 am and I'm taking the day off. I've talked to my mother and she has agreed to have Teddy for the day, so this is the day my secret comes out. I'm nervous like shit, Ana isn't a person who judge people easily, but this is not something she will take lightly to. I need to call Ros and make sure she can handle everything today.

''Ros I'm taking the day off, there's things I need to do. Can I trust you to take care of everything?''

''Boss, you've got to be kidding me,'' she sound stressed out, I don't know if it's the date she had last night or what it is, but I need her to do this today. And I don't like it when people question my reasons.

''No I'm not, now as you may know I own GEH, and you are my employee if you don't like how things are then you have to quit.'' I think when this is all out of system, then I can get on with my life. This has been on my shoulders for way too long. If I know that Ana won't leave with our son, I think I could focus more on my business, and things around that. Plus there thousands of people who are counting on me to have my shit together.

''I love my job and you know that, I'll manage. But I'm just going to say it; this is not like you and you know it.'' I'm not myself, haven't been for weeks now, but maybe this is me and I wasn't myself before.

''I know Ros, thank you. I really do appreciate what you do, even if I don't show it too often.'' I should give her a raise or something, even though it's not too long since she got one, maybe I'll give her a 2 weeks' vacation on me. I don't know but she is a saving angel, I couldn't have done this without her, and I don't think anyone could've done her job better than her.

''Send over a list of what you need done. Do you have any meetings then I would like to be prepared.'' She sighs, I know she can do this and she knows that too. She loves being responsible, and I trust her with GEH and with my life if it came to that. We've gotten pretty close, since we both have worked long hours for a long time; we used to eat lunch and dinner together almost every day for a year.

''I'm sending it all this moment.'' He thanks me and hangs up. Soon, my life will change, either for better or worse.

APOV

I have no idea where we're going, or what he needs to show me. We're sitting in his car on our way to god knows where, and he is super tense. Maybe this is the part where he kills me, and makes it all look like an accident, I'm sure he could do that; he has the money to do that.

He's gripping the steering wheel with both of his hands till the point that his knuckles are white, and it's starting to freak me out. Whatever it is he needs to show me he's not looking forward to. We stop outside a hotel, and I look up at him in confusion. This isn't a five star hotel; this isn't a hotel at all it's more like a motel, a cheap and crappy motel. He is looking at the 'room' he has driven in front of, room '13' and I'm sure he'll have someone ready in there to kidnap me.

I know I sound paranoid, but he won't explain why we are here, and he's so tense, and it looks like he would rather drive away from here, without showing me what he must show. I know that he won't kill or kidnap me; it wouldn't make any sense why he rejected me last night. If last night was his last chance, I'm sure he would've tied me to his bed and done whatever he wanted to me.

''Ana…'' his head turns to look at me, but he's still tense and still gripping the wheel. ''…no matter what I show you, no matter what you think of me… please promise to not take Teddy away from me,'' I'm shocked when I see that he's terrified, I've never seen Christian terrified before. Angry? Yes. Scared? Yes. Confused? Yes. Happy? Yes. Terrified? No.

''Of course I won't Christian… unless you're hiding a body somewhere or it's something illegal, but I don't think you would do anything like that.'' I really hope he would never do anything like that, please say he hasn't done anything like that.

''No… not illegal, but it is bad Ana. Please promise me.'' He's pleading with his eyes, and I hate seeing him like this, so I promise.

We get out of the car, and Christian finds his key to the motel room. He is holding the doorknob, not opening just looking at the door. I can't stop this uncomfortable feeling I get, that it is something evil inside there, that whatever it is I will get frightened. He opens the door, first slowly then he sneaks himself in, before grabbing me in and locking the door again.

He turns on the light, and I have no words. And I'm not sure what I'm looking at either. The smell of leather is overwhelming, and nauseating. The whole room is painted in a dark burgundy color. Against the wall there's a wooden cross, made of mahogany, and there are cuffs on each of corners. There are plenty of ropes, chains, and glinting shackles. There's also a mahogany chest of drawers, it looks like it belongs in a museum. In the middle of the room is a bed. It's bigger than a normal motel bed. The mattress is covered in red leather, and red cushions spread at one of the ends.

I turn to face him and he's looking at me intently, gauging my reaction, and at this point I'm not sure what I'm thinking or feeling about this. ''What do you do with this,'' I ask nervously as I wave my hand around the room.

''I do things to woman who wants me to,'' he says, and it dawns on me that all this 'things' he's using on their body, he's hurting them for what? I've heard things about BDSM I've never researched it, but I've heard of it, and this is clearly it. I turn away from him to look at the room again, it's like I'm in a different world. There are no windows here that aren't covered, and if Christian takes of the light it will be completely dark. ''I want women to willingly surrender to me, in all ways.'' He continues when I don't say anything. ''It's all for pleasure.'' He reassures me, but this is freaking me out, and I can't bare the smell anymore.

''I need to get out,'' I run to the door and try to open it, but I can't, and panic races through me. I try pushing the door harder. Then I realize that he locked the door, I unlock it and run to fresh air. I run towards a bin, and just in time, as I hurl out my guts. What was that, what is he into? Within seconds he's by my side, keeping my hair away. I straighten up; I just need to be alone right now. ''Please just give me some time alone.'' I say, I don't wait for his response as I just continue walking. I have no idea where I'm going, but I need to walk.

I take every turn I meet, and if I were to turn around and go back, I would be lost. I see a little playground, it's in terrible condition, but I sit down on the swing set. I sit with my elbows resting on my thighs, and my head in my hands. What did he get into when I left? How can anyone do anything like that to another human being? I sense Christian coming, I don't need to look up, I feel him here. He sits on the other swing, and is quiet. I'm so confused, and so many questions are raging in my head. Why? How? When? Who? That Christian I knew, and the Christian beside me now, are 2 differently persons and I'm afraid I've lost the Christian I fell in love with.

''After you left Seattle… well after I chased you away…'' he starts explaining, without me needing to ask any questions. ''I was angry at myself, I hated myself, and every day I wanted to knock on your door and beg for forgiveness… Why didn't I do that? Because I don't like or want to admit when I've been wrong… I saw you in the hall at school, and every time you saw me you turned around and walked in the other direction… Then suddenly 2 weeks had gone by, and I knew that you had taken the abortion, and I fooled myself to thinking it was all for the best.'' I can't believe he's sharing what happen when we broke it off, I still haven't looked at him but I can feel his gaze on me.

''The next school year when it started, a part of me thought that you might be there, be sitting at our lunch table waiting for me… But you were gone.'' He lets out a big breath, before he continues. ''I started drinking… I needed the pain gone; it was killing me so I turned to drinking… I also got into a lot of fights, had to go to the hospital a few times, I have had my fair share of casts on my arms and legs.'' He chuckles lightly, but I can feel the pain in his voice. ''My parents were pissed, so fucking mad at me all the time… At one point I'm sure they were ready to send me off to military camp.''

I didn't know things got that bad, I didn't know I meant that much to him. I told him I loved him and he never said it back, I thought I had only imagined what I meant to him. ''One of my mom's friends…'' he continues ''Told my mother, that I could come and work for her, at her home maybe that would help me. It would keep me away from the fights at least… I was working for her, and she looked always at what I did and wasn't she pleased with it then I had to do it again…'' he stands and leaves the swing set, and I open my eyes to look at him. And he's just staring out in thin air. ''It was really hot one day, so when I was working in her yard I took of my shirt. She came out with something to drink, and she said if I wanted it, then I had to kiss her… so I kissed her, and she slapped me hard. It was confusing but at the same time hot as hell.''

He walks and sits down on the grass, I'm considering sitting down beside him, but I can't move. I'm in shock and I'm confused, and I have a bad feeling on where this is going. ''When I came back the next day, she pretended nothing ever happened, I guess a part of me was hurt for that… after a few days she would start to slap me when I did certain things, I didn't understand it back then what I was doing to piss her off, but she later on in our relationship told me… She punished me, and I felt like I deserved it so I let her… I let her punish me for what I did to you and our unborn child.'' He shakes his head slightly, and I'm looking at the back of his head, and he's sitting quite tense. ''She would punish me, and then she fucked me. You and I Anastasia, we made love, she fucked me. And I had never experienced something like that before… I started getting my shit together, for after a while I wanted sex more than to be punished. It went better at school, I saved my grades, and it all was pretty great.

''I got into Harvard, and my parent were so proud, I remember the look on my dad's face when I got the acceptation letter, I hadn't told them I was replying there… I remember the look on my dad's face when I told him I wasn't going to Harvard… He was mad and disappointed, and when I told them I wasn't going to any other colleges he loosed his fucking mind. He didn't talk to me for a week, I really disappointed him… I told him about GEH, and I showed him my plans, he seemed impressed, but told me no when I asked to borrow money for it… I had good plans he told me, but without a college degree I could never keep GEH alive.'' He has start talking about himself, more than us now. So I get off the swing and sit down beside him, not sure if I should hold his hand, stroke his arm or what, so I just sit there, my arms tight around my knees.

''I borrowed money from my mother's friend… the one I'd been doing... you know… I started GEH, and ever since it became a ''hit'' my dad has been ashamed over the way he acted... When I was 19, I didn't sub for Elena - that's her name – anymore, I wanted to try to be the dominant. Elena subbed for me for a while, and then she started finding other subs for me, and that's how that room came to be.''

I lay my head down on his shoulder; I feel deep down that this is my entire fault, that if I stayed then he never would've lost control over his life like that. ''Do your subs look like her?'' I ask curious, if he has a type and if so I'm I his type.

''No they didn't.'' he answers coldly, and I feel he doesn't want to talk more about that, but now I'm intrigued and want to know more, want to know what he's not telling me.

''So how did they look?'' I ask.

''Ana let's just drop it,'' why doesn't he want to say it? He has shared so much now, why can't he just say this too, something is not right, and I'm starting to get worried, but I want to know.

''No, tell me what they looked like'' I demand.

''Like you, okay? Happy now?'' I freeze, I was expecting an answer I wouldn't like, but it was not this. Did he imagine it was me he hurt with all his stuff? That he hit me? Flogged me? Make me scream out in pain.

''Like me'' he nods ''why?'' I feel like crying. Why would he like to punish me? What wrong did I do?

''Because I wanted to punish you, I was mad at you and I wanted to punish you for disappearing from my life,'' I didn't disappear, I wanted to stay but I was afraid he would not let me keep Teddy if I had stayed, and I don't regret one second on having him, he's the best thing in my life. If I could go back in time I would've had him over and over again.

''You were picturing me, while you were beating other woman? Do you want to punish me now, is that why you brought me to that room?'' I feel like throwing up again, but I have nothing left to throw up.

''I thought I did, but not anymore. Ana now that I look at you, I can't see any resembling to any of them.'' Is that supposed to make me feel better, am I supposed to say that everything is okay then? This is sick. If he beat the shit out of women because that was what rocked his boat and all that then fine, but he was picturing me, because he wanted to punish me for leaving, when he pushed me away. God I think I'm going slightly mad. ''I wanted you to know all this about me before something would happened between us.''

''Can you leave me alone for a while, I need to think this through.'' He nods, and stands up and walk towards something, I'm not sure if that was the way we came from, but it's were he's heading.

Before something happened between us? Nothing has happened, except he turned me down yesterday, I turned down his proposition to be ''fuck buddies'' and now I'm not sure if I want anything to happen. This is not the man I've been in love; he's not the man I've though I've been in love with all along.

CPOV

We're in the car on our way to my parents to pick up Teddy. When I left Ana at the play ground, I went to get the car. She walked to the car with her head down so I couldn't see her face, and now she's sitting with her legs up in the seat curled like a ball and her head is against the window. I want to ask her about her reaction to all of this, if she still accepts me in our son's life.

She has turned the air-conditioner on and off many times, never fully satisfied. She turned on the radio once, but when she heard Rihanna's S&M she turned it off. It was blurry in the beginning, so we couldn't hear anything but then when Rihanna sang ''Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.'' she turned it off, the situation was different I may have found that funny, but know it's not. Nothing is funny, I'm terrified about the fact that she won't talk to me.

It's half an hour back to my parent's house, and if we're going to sit here in this dead silence it will be awful. Maybe I shouldn't have told her. I'm done with the life style, we could've continued our lives, and I could just forget about it. The one time I try and to the right thing, it ends like this, will I ever get it right? We stop at a red light, and I bang my head against the wheel, and hit the horn. Ana looks over at me, and her face is expression less. Her eyes are red and tired.

''Is this the only way you've been with people after me?'' she asks, and leans her head on her knees, still looking at me. The light becomes green and I continue to drive.

''Yes, you're the only one I've had vanilla with… You're the only one I want to have vanilla with.'' And it's true; I can't picture doing what Ana and I have done, with anyone else. Ana will be my only Vanilla experience ever.

''Vanilla?'' she asks.

''Yeah... Without any kink or toys… just us'' I want to reach for her hand; I want to hold onto her. But she's holding her own hands around her knees. We continue to drive in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. ''Ana look…'' I say as I stop the car along the road, and I turn to her. ''The things you saw was me, it isn't me anymore okay? After everything I've showed you, can you still except me, can you still let me be part of your and Teddy's life?''

She closes her eyes, and has a pained expression on her face. ''Of course, you'll always be Teddy's father… I still need to think things through, give me some time okay?''

''I can give you all the time you need. But promise me Ana, if you have questions don't look it up online come and ask me okay? I'll tell you anything you want to know.'' She nods, and we continue to my parents'.

APOV

''You want me to go in and get him, or you want to say hi or?'' I open my eyes, and see that we're outside of his old home.

''I'm sorry, please just get him and tell your parents I'm not feeling well okay?'' That's an understatement, I feel like hell. The man I once loved, have beaten other girls because he couldn't beat me. That doesn't exactly make me feel great about myself.

He was 17, only 17 years old and a woman on his mothers' age fucked him. I realize he was over the age of sexual consent, but still she was obvious so much older. She's pedophilic, who does that, and to the son of your friend. It's like if Kate would do that to Teddy, Kate and I aren't exactly friend at the moment, but still. God this makes me feel sick.

All the whips and stuff like that he uses on his girlfriends or subs as he called it. So when he was that ''friend's'' sub, did she use shit like that on him? Did she whip him, and tie him to a cross? I know that Christian has had trouble with people touching his chest and back, before. So I can't imagine him agreeing to let someone tie him up, so that she could do whatever she wanted with him. Did she manipulate him? Did she actually force him to have sex with her, and make him believed he wanted it, that he asked to be punished? I won't believe Christian would agree to something like that, and maybe she taught him that a BDSM relationship is the only kind that would work for him. I really want to figure out exactly what happened.

I see Christian, Teddy and Grace walk out the front door. Grace squats down and gives Teddy a hug, and Christian hugs his mom. Teddy walks towards the car, then turn around to wave one last time. I also give a little wave to Grace, and I weak smile, since that's all I can manage.

''Mommy!'' I love how he's always happy when you meet him. And you always receive one of the biggest smiles you have ever seen. He has the exact smile as his father, and he will be a ladies' man when he grows up.

''Hey sweetie, you had fun with Grandma?'' I ask, and he nods. Christian fastens Teddy's seatbelt, and then gets back in behind the wheel. He looks at me, and gives me a smile, but I don't feel like smiling, I try but I can't. I turn back to Teddy, ''so what did you do?''

''We baked cookies… you can taste if you want. And we played in the yard. She has a big yard.'' He says, and shows with his arms how big it is. That's something he does, always try to show how big a thing is by using his arms to demonstrate. I hear Christian chuckle, and I guess he's watching Teddy in the review mirror.

''Are you hungry? Or have you and grandma eaten anything?'' Christian asks him. Teddy looks like he's thinking about it.

''I'm hungry,'' that's all he says, not yes I've eaten or no.

Christian tells him we're going to a restaurant and I ''surprisingly'' don't feel hungry. I lean back in my seat and stare out the window. I feel like crying and screaming and demand that Christian drive us home, but I can't with Teddy in the car. I just want to go home, and wake up back in Montesano and that this was just one horrible dream. That daddy is healthy and that Teddy and I never went to Seattle. And then a thought hits me, and I don't like it at all. I wish Christian wasn't Teddy's father. I don't want to think or hope for that, but I can't help it, the thought came.

''Stop the car!'' Christian stops at the side of the road, and I hurry out. I need fresh air; maybe it'll get the thought away. I hear Christian tell Teddy to stay in the car, and he's by my side in seconds. ''I can't do this Christian, I really can't.'' I look him in the eyes as tears stream down my face.

''Can't do what?'' he breaths. He looks scared, and it looks like he might cry soon.

''I can't pretend that what you showed me, didn't make me sick. I can't pretend to believe that you don't want to do that to me. I think Teddy and I should find somewhere else to live.'' I don't want to lose contact with Christian, we could never do that. But living with him isn't working at the moment.

''Ana please don't do this.'' He tries to reach for me, but I take a step back. ''Please… I can't lose you.''

''We will stay in Seattle, you can see Teddy anytime you want to, and…'' I try to reason with him, but he cuts me off.

''No Ana, I. Can't. Lose. You.''