Sam woke up before Gabriel again, peeking at him from across the pillow, his face half obscured by the cotton casing. Gabriel did cute things in his sleep, like breathing through his mouth, his thumb wandering dangerously close to his lips. Sam wondered when he stopped sucking his thumb.
He didn't snore either, which Sam was glad about. But he did, occasionally, make little chewing motions. And spread across the bed, and across Sam, which was something that he didn't think was possible from such a short guy.
Sam was cataloguing all these minor details, because he knew, whatever Gabriel had said in the restaurant the night before, that he was still going away later that day. And then it would be months away from each other again, and it was going to be tougher than ever now that Sam had worked out just how strongly they felt about each other. He almost didn't want Gabriel to wake up, to stretch out their time together. But then Gabriel's eyelids fluttered open, and he smiled sleepily.
"Some people would be freaked out, waking up to their hot piece of ass staring at them from five inches away."
"At least you're admitting that's me now," Sam smirked back easily, and then looked at his bookshelf. "You want your passport back?"
"Keep it."
Sam looked back at him, surprised.
"Keep it?" He repeated, dumbfounded.
"Yeah. Won't be needing it for the next few months, I want to check out the rest of the states. Maybe go see Cas and Dean. And it's a reason to come back, right?"
"You need a reason?"
"No," Gabriel sat up and stretched. "But you need to believe there's one. Look after it."
"Like it was you, still here." Sam promised. Gabriel chuckled, and nudged his chin.
"You're so ridiculous. I'm grabbing a shower."
Sam watched him wriggle out of bed, and slip into his small en suite, completely naked, and then flopped back on his bed. His heart was hammering in his chest, he felt fit to burst. So they weren't making huge declarations of emotion, Gabriel was giving him something so much better. He was giving him his trust, and Sam wasn't going to let him down, for anything.
He heard the shower running, and crept out of bed, slipping his clothes on. And then he headed over to where Gabriel's phone was charging on his desk and started up the camera function, taking a few cheesy selfies. Maybe Gabriel wasn't going to let him have his number, and Sam wasn't going to break that trust and go searching for it, sneaking it anyway. But he was damned if he wasn't going to make sure Gabriel had something of him during their time apart. He put the phone back hastily as the water shut off, and Gabriel walked back in the room a moment later, wrapped in a towel.
"Trying to unlock my phone?"
"Nope. Leaving you a present." Sam crossed the room, wrapping his arms around Gabriel's soft skin. "Since you're leaving me your passport."
"And I was gonna raid your laundry for some used underpants."
"You can still do that," Sam said eagerly. Gabriel burst out laughing.
"I was kidding. But now I'm going to."
He slipped out of Sam's hold, and headed over to where Sam's clothes were waiting to go to the laundry. Gabriel rooted around for a moment, and then pulled a pair of plaid boxers out triumphantly, before raising them to his nose and inhaling deeply. Sam was nervous, but also a little aroused by Gabriel's actions. And then Gabriel tucked them into a side pocket of his rucksack, and went through the main pocket for his own clothes.
"Do I not get any of yours?" Sam pressed. Gabriel chuckled.
"Nope. I have like, four changes of clothes. If you hadn't noticed. Not going to risk any of it, even if me going commando turns you on. But hey," he pulled on his underwear, and his pants, and then grabbed Sam's hand, taking him to the bed. They sat, and Gabriel undid a chain of beads that sat around his wrist. He laid Sam's arm across his lap, and carefully wound the beads around his arm, tying them together so that Sam couldn't slip it off.
"There you go," Gabriel said matter-of-factly. "A part of me, wherever you go."
Sam smiled faintly, happy that Gabriel had done something so touching but saddened by the fact that Gabriel was almost gone again.
"Thanks, Gabe."
Gabriel pulled his t-shirt on, and pushed his hair behind his ear.
"Sammy? I don't want to sound like an asshole, but," he took Sam's hand, stroking his thumb across Sam's wrist, his nail grazing the edge of the beads. "Nothing's changed, okay? It's been amazing, spending Valentine's weekend with you, and nothing would make me change it. And you're still my hot piece of ass."
Sam gave another weak smile, not liking where this was going.
"But same as before, right? We're only on when we see each other. Some girl wants to go out with you, you wanna see what there is there? You go for it. I won't take it as a rejection. Not unless you send out wedding invites."
Sam had a few rebuttals, but none of them would have been delivered the right way, the jokey manner that Gabriel was relying on. He didn't want to date around, and he definitely did not want to get married. Instead he looked at Gabriel's thumb, rubbing against his wrist.
"Sam?" Gabriel said in a low voice.
"Yeah, well," Sam forced himself to remain upbeat. "Once you go, I have a ton of studying to do. So, maybe hold off on the wedding invites. Unless you want to come to the nuptials of Sam and Job?"
"And to think, you're just in the honeymoon stage," Gabriel riffed easily.
"Oh yeah, Lawyering is going to own my ass."
"You tell Lawyering to back off, I saw your ass first."
Sam did smile this time, and they sank into a quiet seriousness.
"Going to miss you, titch," Gabriel promised.
"Don't get murdered by truckers, or go to Wyoming." Sam shot back. Gabriel snorted.
"Truckers and Wyoming I can handle. It's the compound I'm giving a wide berth."
"Stay safe," Sam insisted.
"Well, yeah. My passport would get lonely without me otherwise."
Gabriel clearly wasn't in the mood for a heartfelt goodbye. Sam tried to give back as good as he got.
"That's right. Don't stick me with the dead guy's passport. They'll think I killed you, and then Lawyering will have my ass in a totally different, more brutal way."
"Don't get killed and incriminate you, got it." Gabriel nodded. Sam stooped, and nosed through Gabriel's hair, whispering in his ear.
"I'm going to miss you so damn much."
"Going to miss you too," Gabriel whispered back.
"Love you."
Gabriel didn't move, except to keep rubbing circled on Sam's wrist. The air felt suddenly heavy with tension.
"You don't have to say it back," Sam kept his voice low. "I didn't say it expecting anything, Gabe. I just want you to … know …"
He felt like he had messed up in some way. Surely Gabriel knew? But Gabriel still didn't move.
"I'm not taking it back."
"I'm not asking you to." Gabriel's voice sounded shaky, and Sam could have kicked himself. He was supposed to be taking it slowly, supposed to be playing the long game so he didn't scare Gabriel off, and he'd done the exact opposite now. Gabriel straightened up, and let go of his wrist. "So, um, I'll write, let you know when I'm back this way, okay? Give you some advanced warning this time."
Sam nodded, his mouth dry.
"And Sammy? Look after yourself too, okay?" he caught Sam's eye, and forced a smile, before leaning in for a goodbye kiss. Again, Sam felt unprepared for it, like it was their final goodbye and he couldn't focus on it properly, couldn't savour the moment.
Gabriel didn't linger, but unplugged his phone and stuffed it into his rucksack, slinging it over his shoulder and smiling sadly at Sammy.
"So long, kid."
"Aren't you even going to stay for breakfast? We could go to a diner, or," Sam stopped begging. Gabriel wouldn't stay if he didn't want to.
"Nah, it's fine. Got a long walk ahead of me, and you've got to study. I've hogged too much of your time as it is."
Gabriel headed out of Sam's room, down the stairs and out of the house, Sam following him until he was on the threshold, watching Gabriel go. He felt someone standing behind him, as Gabriel turned a corner and disappeared, but Sam didn't want to be around anyone, to hear their false sympathy.
"Sam?"
He closed his eyes. It would have to be Madison, of all people. He turned around to look at her slowly, and she watched him with her big, wide eyes.
"Gabriel's going again?"
"Yeah. Big world to explore, you know?"
She toyed with a lock of her hair.
"When you broke up with me, Sam, you told me that I didn't deserve to be second best. Well, you don't either. I don't know much about you and Gabriel, but I know that you should come before his travelling. You deserve better than what he gives you."
She walked away again, and Sam leaned against the doorframe, watching the spot where Gabriel had disappeared. He knew what Madison was trying to say, and he appreciated it, but he couldn't help himself. Second best or not, Sam was Gabriel's.