A/N: Thanks readers - all of you for your continuing amazing comments.

Chapter Fourteen: Castle Waiting.

A week later . . .

"It's good to be home." He says as he eases himself down into an armchair in the seating area of his bedroom, but even as he says it, the words feel strange more than they feel true. Because he isn't home, not really, and though this rented house is quite lovely, it's not really his and he hasn't been happy in it for a single moment. Home is a loft in New York – home is also a feeling inside.

So scratch what he just said.

"Actually, forget I said that, but it's nice to be out of the hospital. Home – well home may just have to wait a while." He amends with a tired grin, closing his blue eyes he blows out a breath and wishes he didn't still tire so easily. His doctors have given him a strict regiment of physiotherapy to adhere to and his strength will return – he just has to be patient and Richard Castle isn't afraid to admit that he's always been crap at that.

Warmth and pressure on his shoulder make him open his eyes again and he digs deep for another smile to ease the concern swimming in Beckett's green orbs as she watches him, her touch causing him tingles even in his current sorry condition.

"You okay Rick?" She asks, releasing his shoulder to take a seat on the ottoman at his feet.

He nods, but she must sense his unease because her eyebrow quirks upwards and she places her hand on his knee instead.

More tingles. And such contradictory impulses.

Since he woke up from the coma he's been doing a lot of thinking, and though he's decided on a course of action, knows categorically what he needs from Kate now, he hasn't in the last week been able to face having the actual conversation with her, that he knows they need to have. He wants her – and he wants her for keeps, and yet he's afraid she's going to see what he wants to ask of her as anything but that. He's terrified she's going to see it as a rejection – and after everything that she's gone through he doesn't want to bring her any more pain. He doesn't want it to sound like he's looking for an 'out', when nothing could be further from the truth.

His mother and Alexis are busy cooking a celebration dinner downstairs – his first night home again has them giddy as fools, he has time right now, alone with Kate to broach the subject – and hell – he thinks – there is never going to be a good time for it.

He opens his mouth to start, but Kate beats him to it.

"I keep waiting for things to go back to normal Castle . . . but they haven't, and I can't get rid of this feeling that they won't. I know we've been separated for a long time – but . . . why are things still so awkward between us Rick? I mean I've told you I love you – is that it? Am I too late? Is all this tension because you're over me?" She says, and though she's trying to keep her voice steady and level he's her partner – the stress comes straight through.

He takes her hand from where it rests on his leg and wraps her slender digits in his, her hand is trembling slightly and the pulse he can feel at the base of her wrist tells him that her heart is pounding.

"You read the novel didn't you? What there is of it anyway, you know where it leaves off?" He asks, his eyes holding her gaze.

Mutely she nods.

"So if you know how I was feeling about you before . . . before the OD . . . what would make you ask me that?" He says softly.

Beckett shakes her head. There is love shining out at her now – as she looks into those ridiculously blue eyes of his, but she can't help feel something just isn't right.

"So what is it? I know there's something on your mind. I know it's about me. Castle you've been awake a week now, and apart from telling me we 'had a place to start' to put things right between us – something you did the morning you first woke up – you haven't . . . you haven't told me anything since about how you feel now."

Castle hears the unspoken questions. 'Do you love me? Do you still want me? Can you forgive me?'

Rick takes a deep breath and squeezes her fingers, wills her to understand what he needs. "I love you Kate – and nothing is ever going to change that." He begins.

"But it isn't enough is it?" She blurts out. He squeezes her fingers tighter.

"Of course it's enough – it's absolutely everything Kate – though I hate to use the cliché – so not me despite some of my reviews . . . "He adds, trying to get her to smile but failing dismally. "I just need to find my footing again – I need to feel like me. I've never suffered from depression quite like this before Kate, but I can look back at my life and see the moments when I believe I was suffering through it in the past now. It's just in the past I handled it differently and therefore it never got – for the want of a better word – 'labeled' like it did this last time."

Kate shakes her head, she's trying to understand but confusion – and fear – is clearly written in every line of her face.

The author smiles to reassure her. "This time Kate – I didn't have the same options. In the past – when I was feeling some of these same emotions, thinking some of these same thoughts I drank . . . I slept around . . . I partied really hard and anyone observing me would probably not have labeled me 'depressed', but that's what I was. This time I couldn't do what I normally do – I couldn't react that way – I still wanted you Kate – I couldn't bring myself to even contemplate another woman to ease the pain. Drink was an option – and obviously I resorted to it – but I tried, this time things got so bad I tried to do it right. I sought professional help – I came up with a plan to work it through . . . "

Kate interrupts. "And then Paula screwed it up."

Castle sighs. "Yes. Okay she screwed it up – but my point is that I was trying. My point is that I have a problem Kate – I might be the last person you'd think would suffer from it but I'm telling you I've suffered from depression before and I clearly recognize it now. I want you Kate. I want a life with you; I want a whole life with you. But for that to happen I need to be a 'whole' person. And right now I'm not there – there's damage – I need repairs. I spent so much time, focused so much energy on trying to be what I thought you needed, who you needed - that I lost sight of who I actually am – and I have to get myself back Kate – I have too."

Kate feels the tears welling and she fights not to let him see her cry – giving up when he tips her face up to his with his free hand.

"There is no reason to cry – I'm determined to get better. Hell I already feel better, simply because I'm thinking clearly again. No drugs, no alcohol, no reason to be sad. I'll get there Kate . . . I just need you to give me some space while I do." His tone is endlessly gentle, and the warmth and confidence in his voice make her tears spill over.

He rests his forehead against hers, "I'm not saying goodbye Kate – I'll never do that. Never. Please don't cry baby . . . space doesn't mean no contact." He says softly.

The old Kate Beckett might have protested the use of the term 'baby', but the new improved version whose walls are completely down, needs that sort of moniker from him like oxygen – like food. She doesn't think she can stand to be away from him again . . . even though she already knows she'll agree to whatever he wants as long as they move forward 'together' now. There is no price she isn't willing to pay to have this man back in her life.

"What do you want me to do Castle?" She murmurs, tasting her tears around each word.

"Go home Kate. Go back to New York."

She takes a shaky breath, holding his earlier promises to her, to keep her heart from shattering at the request.

"Without you." She gasps.

He nods. His forehead still against hers, warm and solid.

"I don't want to go back – you understand that Rick?" He understands, he can hear her distress. So he nods again.

"I will follow you. In time. But I need to get better baby. Healthy. Head on straight first. And I need to finish my book Kate. I need to re-write it." He pleads.

Her green eyes dart to his and the protest is out her mouth instantly.

"But the book . . . it's wonderful – it's perfect . . . it just needs an ending Castle . . . just an ending. You can't change the story – please say you won't."

The writer shakes his head. "The proposal should be the ending Kate. When the drama wraps and the smoke clears and the bad guys are caught and there's that moment. That perfect lull before the next drama begins – when everything is right, that's when Rook asks Nikki to marry him. Not in the middle, not when things aren't just about them. I got that wrong Kate – I was just so anxious, so focused on getting to the bit I wanted most to write that I got it all wrong."

The sudden clarity in his eyes stuns her. Sharp. Focused. Certain.

"But he'll still propose, they'll still end up together?" Kate asks. And they both know she isn't asking solely about Rook and Nikki.

"There is no possible other ending to the story Kate." His smile is blinding – "Not for Nikki and Rook . . . and not for you and I either."

She takes a moment to wrap the truth of what he's telling her up in her arms. Holds it greedily – knows it will have to get her through some time without him.

"Okay. I'll go home. But. . . you'll call me. Or something." She asks.

The author laughs gently. "Or something. You won't be left feeling alone. Trust me Kate. Please just trust me."

She closes the gap between their faces and kisses him firmly – she has to take something with her when she leaves – some memory to get her through – if it's possible she already misses him. He kisses her back, his lips returning her fire – but then he breaks off, a little wheezy and breathless. "See – got to get healthy so this . . . doesn't kill me Kate."

Beckett kisses the tip of his nose. "Come home soon Castle – I'll be waiting." She tells him.