(AN) Hi, guys! Sorry this update took so long! This is going to be my first chapter with a beta reader! I hope it improves the quality! :) Please leave your thoughts and comments in a review! I love reading them! ;D
Jean wheeled Bara out of the castle, and to the courtyard. She smiled, enjoying the cool, brisk wind brushing gently against her face. She brushed some of her auburn hair behind her ears. It was strange to her, enjoying a breeze that usually felt so indifferent. Savoring the sun that is the same one she saw yesterday. Enjoying the thought of seeing her horse, even though she usually was very passive about seeing her, and wouldn't usually see her, even if she had nothing to do.
Jean finished pushing the wheelchair to the stables, as Bara continued to ponder over these thoughts. She hadn't even noticed that they'd arrived at the stables until Jean snapped her out of her trance with a; "Hey! Bara!"
She blinked in surprise slightly, looking up to him, behind her wheelchair. She hummed questioningly. "What?"
He gestured in front of her, beckoning her to look back down and in front of her.
"Oh, we're here." She mumbled to herself, slightly embarrassed at being so unattentive.
"Were you daydreaming?" Jean asked playfully.
Bara thought for a moment. "Maybe..."
Jean smiled and shrugged. "Ah, well, we're here, so, you want to see her?" He asked, extending a hand to help her up.
She nodded slightly saying; "Yeah." and took his hand.
He pulled her up and helped her over to her horse's stable.
She called her name. "Uma~!"
The piercingly white horse turned its head upward, looking at her, and feeling completely indifferent about her presence, and being utterly uninterested, turned her head back to the straw she was eating before.
"Uma?" She asked, slightly worried that it seemed the horse didn't recognize her.
Jean opened the gate if the stable, allowing her a good look at her legs. "She's been in a bad mood. The vets say she'll be healed in a few weeks, and until then, she can't go out to graze with the others, and she has to be on light or no duty. So, she'll be like this until then."
Bara frowned slightly, concerned that her horse wasn't happy. Though, neither was she. She gently extended her hand, softly petting the mane of her horse.
"You and me both have got it rough, eh?" She said in a calm, loving tone.
Uma snorted through her nose, showing her slight amount of annoyance, but through deeply ingrained teaching, did nothing about the annoyance that was Bara's hand on her back. Bara removed her hand of her own will and closed the door of the stable. She and Jean walked back to the wheelchair.
She sat down and looked up to Jean, saying; "Can we go to the mess? I'm hungry."
Jean smiled slightly. "Sure thing."
Levi's hand gripped the edge of the desk almost painfully hard, as he stared daggers at the paperwork lying on his desk. Hange is the one who brought all this paperwork, wanting another expedition to find a better place to perform experiments.
'What more does that four-eyed idiot want?' Levi thought as he furrowed his eyebrows.
"She already does plenty enough experiments. And that's being generous by not saying she doesn't do too many." He said through gritted teeth.
To get this expedition approved, he'd need to fill out a lot of paperwork about who would be going on the expedition, how much supplies they'd need to take, how long they'd have to do it when they'd do it, and much more. However, he wasn't the only one suffering. Mike was also forced to do his own paperwork. And no doubt Hange has to do some too.
'But it's her expedition, she should be the one to have to do all this.' He thought, as he finally released the anger fueled death grip on his desk. He stood up, taking a deep, calming breath. "I'll do these asinine things later..." He mumbled, walking out the door.
Levi strode quickly down the hall with his short legs. He grumbled to himself, annoyed with all the recent paperwork, but he pushed that frustrating thought away, and walked into the mess hall, seeing that everyone except Bara and Jean were there.
'Good...' He thought to himself, as he walked to one specific table, eliciting stares. "Oi. Brats." He said, placing his hands on the table.
Everyone looked up from their food, startled, as Levi spoke, saying; "You're friends with Tetsu, yes?" Barely a question.
Everyone stayed still, and stiff, until Mikasa spoke up, saying; "Yes. We are acquainted with her." Levi removed his hands from the table, and said; "Okay, then you'll want to know, that last night she attempted...to..." He cleared his throat, almost struggling to say it. He sighed, his eyelids falling down slightly. "She attempted to commit suicide."
He heard the tink of metal hitting the table and a few gasps.
"Wha-...R-really...?" Eren asked worriedly.
"Yes," Levi said stoically.
"I-is she okay?" Krista asked from the back of the table.
"She does have injuries. But she is alive." Levi responded simply.
"Where is she?" Sasha asked.
"She's currently with Kirschtein. I don't know where they are, though."
"Oh..." Connie murmured.
"But just, act normal. And DON'T, MENTION IT," Levi said sternly.
Everyone, save Mikasa, looked at Levi thoroughly confused, as he turned and left. Levi grumbled to himself as he left the mess hall. 'Why am I even going to bother doing all of Hange's work...' He thought to himself.
Jean and Bara came through the doorway of the mess hall, noticing the melancholy air. Jean wheeled her to their regular table.
"Guys? Something wrong?" Bara asked innocently.
Sasha strained not to look at her, and keep eating, while the others avoided eye-contact, save for Mikasa, who said; "No. Everything's fine, why?"
Bara shrugged. "You guys seem to be acting weird." She tried to keep the worry out of her voice, but she could hear it.
"I'll get us some food," Jean said as he walked away, to get the trays of food.
"Thanks, Jean!" She called back to him.
Everyone sat awkwardly, their posture staid. "Guys, why are you like this?" Again, the worry showing in her tone.
Connie opened his mouth to say something, but Mikasa intervened, saying; "Sasha and Connie said they're breaking up and no one wanted to say anything," Mikasa's eyebrows twitched slightly as she said this.
Bara grimaced. "Mikasa. I know when you're lying to me. You may have a poker-face, but that doesn't fix how well I know you. When you lie, your eyebrows twitch."
Mikasa's mouth formed a thin line, and she brought her hands up to cover her eyebrows. "Sorry..." She mumbled, looking down solemnly.
Bara glared at everyone else at the table. "Now, I suggest that you tell me, right now, why you're all acting this way because my patience will NOT hold up."
Connie flinched as Bara's hand smashed on the table.
Bara's eyes flicked down to her wrist, and she realized something. She hid her hands back under the table again.
'No,' She thought. 'they can't know, can they?' She didn't want them to know. Even if she'd just attempted suicide, it'd make her feel better if her friends treated her the same. It didn't make sense how they could know. She knew it was impossible for Jean to have told them, and she knew she definitely didn't tell them, so who could've...
suddenly the realization hit her like a truck. Besides the nurses at the infirmary, there was only one other person that knew...
Bara growled quietly and angrily and quickly turned her wheelchair around, facing the exit, and pushed herself out, growling and muttering curses.
The whole group (once again, save Mikasa,) was staring in awe and confusion as she left.
Jean walked back holding two trays with food, and while setting them on the table, said; "Where's Bara?"
Everyone stared at him just as confused as they stared at Bara. Not a one of them answered him.
Jean tilted his head slightly in confusion. "What?"
Bara angrily wheeled herself down the hallway, toward Levi's office. She muttered curses and swears under her breath as she reached the door. She was too angry to knock, so she kicked, landing her foot flat against the front of the door three consecutive times.
She heard Levi stand and walk across the room. He opened the door, the same bored expression sprawled across his features.
"Yes?" He asked with a bored tone.
She seethed, narrowing her eyes at him. "Why did you tell them!?" She yelled.
Levi raised his eyebrows. He was slightly taken aback by her tone. She is the only one who has enough gall to speak to him that way, and oddly...he allows it...
She growled again, seeing he wasn't responding. She kicked his shin, shouting; "Move your short-ass out of the way!"
Levi's face remained unchanged as he looked down, where her foot connected with his shin. 'That hurt...' He thought, though stepping back, and out of the way.
She wheeled herself in, glaring at him all the way.
Why was he tolerating this?
She glared at him, waiting, as he walked across the small room, to his desk, and sat at his large oak chair.
Her nose crinkled in anger, her knuckles turning white from the grip on her wheelchairs arms. "Well?" She asked angrily.
"Oi, brats can't act normal..." Levi mumbled.
"Why did you tell them!? I didn't give you permission to tell them!"
Levi raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "You didn't give me permission?"
She growled. "It's my fricking personal life. I have the right to choose whether or not that information is disclosed," She said, just under a yell.
Levi smirked, though he was just using it to mask his frustration. "You know, I should've already slapped you across the room by now."
She was really starting to get angry now. "Why!? Because I think it was completely unnecessary and irresponsible to tell people that I tried to kill myself? Because I think it could hinder their ability? Because I think you had no right to do that?"
Levi's eyes widened in surprise. He had absolutely nothing to say, and she was truly fed up. She smashed her hands on the desk, actually making it bounce, and a few items fall off. "WHY. DID. YOU. TELL. THEM." She asked again, annunciating every word with another slam of her hands.
She stared at him like no cadet without a death wish would ever dare stare at him. She held anger in her eyes, directed only to him. This was the angriest she'd ever been in a while, and she wanted him to answer her already.
She bared her teeth, saying; "Are you going to answer me? Or am I going to have to sit in this office all fricking day before you open your god damned mouth."
Now Levi was really surprised. Man, she had some nerve, and yet, he still tolerated it.
He swallowed hard, turning his head away, and saying; "I have no answer."
She threw the nearest thing she could grab at him; a pen holder. It bounced off his chest and landed on his lap. He turned his head back to her, and she expected him to glare, or look angry, but he looked surprised, confused.
"Listen here," She said, pushing her hands onto the desk. "I know, for a solid fact, that you are lying to me right now. So, if you feel like telling the truth, please Levi, any day now. Because I know you enough, to know that you do not do anything without a proper reason. So I want you to tell me that god damned reason before I flip this fricking desk and smash your head through it!" She said, with another slam of her hands.
Levi knew it was an empty threat, she'd never do that, but the tone of which her voice held, it was almost scary. Mostly because he had never heard a cadet speak to him this way. You are never to speak to your superiors this way, so at the moment, she was being as disrespectful as you could ever be. But he still tolerated it.
Levi sighed. "If I tell you, will you stop smashing holes into my desk?"
She looked down at the desk, where her hands had been, and saw that there was actually a dent in the wood. She looked back up at him, glaring.
"Yes," She snarled.
He sighed, running his hands through his hair. "I told them because I was worried about you."
Bara scoffed before he could finish, cutting him off with; "What right does that give you?"
He narrowed his eye at her. "None." He said through gritted teeth.
He exhaled, calming himself again, before saying; "I just wanted them to know so that they wouldn't say anything to possibly throw you into an emotional breakdown."
She understood where he was coming from, but was too angry to just forgive him, so she yelled back with; "I could've told them if I wanted to! I don't need YOU to tell people things for me!"
Levi winced at the way she exaggerated 'you' like she was saying she didn't need him in any way.
"Look, I'm sorry. I crossed a line, I shouldn't have done that, can you just calm down?"
"NO." She yelled, slamming her hands down again. Levi flinched at how hard she brought them down.
'Great...' Levi thought. 'I was right about her being emotionally unstable...'
He brought his hands up, saying; "Please, stop. Calm down." and standing up just slightly.
Her gaze softened the tiniest bit at his use of please, and sorry. She'd just realized how childish her little tantrum was, and how tolerating Levi was being, but she was still far too angry to let this go.
"Levi, are you truly sorry, or are you just saying that to get me to calm down."
Levi looked her directly in the eyes, saying very sincerely; "I mean it. I stepped out of line."
Bara grimaced, and knitted her brows together in anger. She could tell that he definitely meant it, but she was just far too angry to be satisfied. So, she turned herself around, to face the door.
Turning her head over her shoulder lightly, she said; "Levi, maybe I'll forgive you some other time. But right now, you've gotten me too angry." With that, she left.
Levi sat in utter awe. He didn't expect her to be this upset about it... "She has some nerve..." He mumbled.
"Are you FRICKING kidding me!?" Jean yelled in disbelief.
Connie put his hands up in innocence. "It-it wasn't our fault! He just came in and told us! We didn't ask him anything!"
Jean laid his head on the table, and asked; "Where is she?"
"She stormed out angrily earlier," Mikasa deadpanned.
Jean lifted his head to look at her. "I'm guessing not, but did she say where she was going?"
Mikasa shook her head.
"Of course," Jean growled. Standing, he said; "If she comes back, just act fricking normal, okay? She doesn't need this from you." Jean turned and left after that, leaving everyone confused.
He walked down the hallway, to Levi's office. He knocked on the door three times with the side of his fist.
"...Who is it," Levi said tiredly.
"Jean," He said, putting his hand on the knob.
"...Come in..."
Jean twisted the knob and pushed the door open. He had expected Levi to look...normal...but that wasn't what he saw.
Levi had his head hanging down, with his left hand rubbing his temples, his right hand next to his left elbow on his desk. He looked up, his face looking broken and tired.
Jean paused a moment. He turned around, checking outside the door, before closing it. He turned back around and walked toward the desk, sitting on the chair much smaller than Levi's.
Jean leant back in the chair, crossing his arms over his chest, saying; "Bara was already here, wasn't she."
Levi didn't say anything, but let his head slump down again, staring solemnly at his desk.
Jean sighed, leaning his head back over the edge of the chair. "Was she mad?"
Levi looked up, frowning. "Any word you can think of for 'mad' is an understatement."
Jean hummed slightly. "I'll take that as a 'yes'," He said, leaning his head back down. "When did she come here?"
"Just a minute ago." As Levi spoke, his voice sounded quiet, and far away.
"Where did she go?" He asked.
Levi looked up, his eyes widening just slightly. "She's not with you?"
Jean gulped just slightly, realizing that it was his job to watch Bara. "No."
Levi sighed, his shoulders slumping forward as he moved his weight onto his forearms. His head hung low, his bangs covering his eyes. "Don't worry about her..." He said quietly. "I'll find her."
He stood up, and walked past his desk, toward the door. He opened the door, and paused, to say; "Keep track of her next time, please."
Jean stood after Levi left. "Yeah. O-okay..."
Uma ate her straw slowly, paying no attention to Bara who sat just feet away. Bara sighed. "Damn it Levi...You've ruined this day that I thought was going to be nice...well...It was..."
"Sorry."
She jumped, and turned around, to see Levi standing in the doorway of the barn. She frowned, glaring at him. She twisted her body back around so that she faced Uma again. "I don't want to talk to you, Levi." She said irritably.
"I'm just here to apologize," He started, walking toward her. "And, you are supposed to be supervised at all times."
She growled slightly, as he stepped up toward her. "Why? You think I'm going to try and kill myself again?"
He swallowed hard, looking at her solemnly. "I'm worried about yo-"
"Go worry about someone who needs it! I'm fine on my own!" Her voice cracked slightly as she yelled at him. "Go worry about someone who still trusts you. Go worry about someone who still holds their respect for you. Because y'know what? Respect is earned, and from what I can remember, you never even earned the trust you lost from me."
Levi stood shocked, completely taken aback by her outburst. He truly felt...hurt. Did she really not trust him? Did she really not respect him?
Before he could get anything out, she turned, wheeling herself away, toward the doorway. "Come bother me when you have something important to say. If not, leave me alone."
Levi almost couldn't fathom what just happened. Now she was really disrespectful, but that was why, because she'd lost her trust and respect in him. Respect that he had valued. Apparently not enough...
Jean stood in the hall, not knowing where to go. Levi had told him not to worry about her for now, and that he would find her, but he couldn't shake the worry twisting in his gut as he stood by the door of their room. He sighed as he thought about what he should do.
Should he look for Bara himself? That would be going against what Levi told him. Should he just forget about? That was never going to happen, though. Should he wait here for Bara? That question was answered for him when he heard rolling across the floor.
He turned his head, seeing Bara rolling up to him.
"Hi." She said, annoyed and curt.
She rolled by him, going toward the mess hall. The mess hall was already relatively empty. He assumed that their food would be cold by now, but he'd lost his appetite. His train of thought was cut off by a loud smash, and an unintelligible yell.
He ran down the hallway to the mess, seeing Bara sitting in the middle of the room, practically seething with anger, having just thrown one of the trays of food on the floor. She turned herself around and wheeled past Jean, who stood in the doorway bewildered.
She grimaced at him, but said nothing, as she passed him, and went down the hallway, and into their room.
Bara tried her hardest to contain the rage filled scream that wanted to escape her lungs. Unable to keep the scream from surfacing, she threw her head into the soft plush pillow on her bed, allowing her yells to be muffled by it.
She was just so angry that she couldn't contain herself, and now she was taking out all her frustrations on her belongings, and her vocal chords. She was screaming at her pillow like she wanted to scream at Levi. Throwing things on the ground like she wanted to throw at Levi. Punching the bed like she wanted to punch Levi right in his pale, soft, perfect, handsome face.
She threw her head up, panting in anger, her hair sticking to her face with sweat. "W-wait..." She panted, realizing the thought that just graced her mind. Her hands flew up to cover her mouth and the gasp that entered it. She didn't...she didn't, like him...did she? No, there was no way, especially after everything that's happened...right?
She let out another angry yell, throwing the pillow at the wall. Her throat was burning in pain, her face flushed red with anger, her lungs struggling to take in enough air to keep her alive. Suddenly, the body-wracking screams, turned into equally body-wracking sobs, as she collapsed on the bed, absolutely exhausted and drained of every emotion that was left to experience.
She just wanted to not exist.
She just wanted to fade away.
She just wanted to forgive Levi.
But somehow, she couldn't bring her mind to accept that.
Levi felt absolutely awful. He could hear Bara yelling from across the multiple halls, and that sound sent waves of pain through his body, emotional pain. He had told Jean to go to training, and he'd stay there, to be sure Bara would be okay. He knew they weren't actually going to be doing anything down there. If he didn't go down there and supervise them, or put someone trustworthy in charge of keeping them in line, they wouldn't actually do anything. Well, maybe Mikasa would...
He laid his head on the desk as the sounds echoed through his brain. He felt so horrible, he couldn't even muster words to think of how to apologize to her at this point, and he didn't know if he'd even be able to apologize and she actually accept it. With how upset she is, she may never accept his apology, no matter how sincere.
Everyone walked idly around the courtyard, not really doing anything, most people just talking, a few actually doing something, but those were sparse. Jean walked around, glancing at the lackadaisical cadets who were just standing out there because they had to, not because they actually planned on doing anything. Eren walked up to him from behind, tapping him on the shoulder, saying; "Hey, Jean. Aren't you worried about Bara?"
Jean turned around, saying; "Yes. I'm worried about her mental state."
"No," Eren started. "I mean, aren't you worried about her being alone?"
"She's not alone. Levi's there."
Eren raised his eyebrows slightly. "Ah, so that's why he isn't here..." He mumbled.
Hange strode across the courtyard toward them, a devilish grin on her face.
"Aw dammit!" Eren groaned, unhappy with having to go with Hange again.
"C'mon Eren!" She yelled, grabbing his arm.
"No!" He yelled, pulling his arm back.
"Eren!" She whined. "Since the last time, I've gotten really close!"
"Close to what!?" He asked annoyed.
"I'll explain on the way!" She said, giving him a strong tug toward the castle.
"You don't need to take more DNA, do you?" He asked worriedly.
"No!" She said as she began walking back to the castle with him. "Maybe!"
Eren groaned in dismay as he was towed along. "WHY!?"
"For the good of humanity!" Hange cheered.
"RHETORICAL QUESTION."
Hange laughed as she pushed him further into the castle.
Jean was left standing there, staring, bored. He sighed, turning to the jumble of lazy cadets standing near the centre of the courtyard. "Hey, you guys may as well leave."
The cadets turned to look at him, shrugging, they decided to leave.
The cadets slowly drifte+d out, Jean staying in place. Once all the cadets left, he laid down on the soft grass, enjoying the slight bit of warmth from the sun peeking behind clouds. He wasn't sure how the rest of the day was going to play out, but he just hoped it'd be, relatively, calm.
Bara pushed her body up on weak limbs, her head pounding in pain. Her face felt hot, dry tears on her face. She brushed her hair back with her hand and glanced around the wreck she'd made of the room. She was disappointed in herself for being satisfied with the state of disarray the room was in. She was even worse, though. Dark lines under her eyes, wrinkled clothes, muddled hair, tired features. She stood on one weak leg, the other still on the bed, as she reached for her wheelchair that was a few feet away from her bed. She rolled it over and threw herself into it.
She wheeled out of the room, but before she could leave, she heard paper hit the floor behind her, by her door. She disregarded it and continued on her way toward the mess hall.
But, of course, the last person on earth that she wanted to see at this moment, turned the corner, as if told to by a higher power. She just HAD to cross paths with Levi again, didn't she? She couldn't just avoid him for the rest of the day, no. She HAD to see him again. Fricking fate pulling at the strings of her sanity.
He seemed slightly surprised to see her out, but the somewhat pained expression that covered his features told her all she needed to know about how he was feeling.
"Levi...I..." She started, not really knowing what to say.
Levi knelt down in front of her, now eye level with her. "Bara, are you truly never going to forgive me?"
He'd just used her first name. "U-uh-uh..." She stuttered, not sure how to respond. Equal parts of her did and didn't want to forgive him. "I-I...y-yes..." She murmured, her voice small.
Levi leaned forward slightly, placing his hands on the wheelchair. "Because, I truly am sorry. The apologies I gave you were fully sincere."
She gulped down a lump that had formed in her throat. There was something, comforting, and uncomforting, about being this close to the captain, something that made her skin crawl and her heart flutter, something she couldn't put a pin in, but recognized...
"I...I'm fully aware of that...s-sa."
He leaned in slightly closer, asking; "Do you, forgive me?"
She felt strange with how close he was, his intoxicating scent filling the space between them. "U-uhm...I-I-"
Levi's eyelids lowered slightly, leaving his eyes half-lidded. 'God, that looks sexy...' She thought, chewing on her bottom lip, as her eyes glazed over his face. She shook the obscene thoughts from her mind and returned to the question on hand.
"Y-yes," She said, bringing up a hand and putting it on Levi's shoulder, gently pushing him back. He shifted his weight so that he was no longer leaning against her wheelchair.
"Good," Levi said, the tone laced with worry from earlier now dissolved into one of relief. He stood again, swiftly leaving, and walking back to his office.
Bara suddenly couldn't catch her breath, her stomach fluttering with a strange foreign feeling. She turned her head looking to the empty hallway where Levi had left. She had a strange...longing...feeling...
She shook it from her mind and continued on to the mess hall.
Levi walked down the halls quickly, jumping into his office, and closing the door behind him. His chest rose and fell in heavy breaths. His heartbeat was fast in his chest, a strange feeling bundling in his stomach. His eyes fluttered closed as he leant his head against the door, exhaling a long, relieved sigh.
~Fin~
*Bows, bows.*
I think this chapter turned out good! And, I'd like to thank RoryThePotato for beta-reading!
Thanks, Rory! You got this chapter done super fast, and I think you did an awesome job!
Also, thank you guys for reading! Please leave a review!