I make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

Heartache & Desperation: Chapter 14

Awakening the next morning, Lance grimaces after looking at the clock and realizing how early it is. Knowing he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, he slowly crawls out from under the covers, attempting not to awaken his wife. He pauses when she sighs in her sleep then grabs some clothes and heads for the bathroom.

After showering, shaving and finally dressing, twenty minutes later, he quietly walks back into the bedroom and pauses near the bed to watch his beautiful wife sleeping. Lance studies her, her ebony hair lying across the pillow, the rosy hue of her cheeks and lips and the way her long dark lashes lay across her cheeks as she sleeps. Remembering Keith's narrow escape yesterday, he bends over and kisses her forehead. Her eyes flutter open and she smiles sleepily at him, "Lance…"

Sitting down on the bed beside her, he kisses her lips then lightly caresses her cheek as he whispers, "I'm sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep." Christine sighs then closes her eyes as Lance stands and leaves the room.

Lance wanders down the hall toward the dining room, hoping that coffee is at least available at this early hour. He stops in the doorway of the room, more than a little shocked to see Keith sitting there drinking coffee while holding Adrienne. Raising an eyebrow at his friend, he wanders into the room and sits beside him, "I didn't think anyone else would be up this early besides me. I should have known you would be up and running." His eyes move down to the baby, "But not necessarily babysitting…"

Smiling in answer, Keith looks back down at Adrienne, who starts moving around while cooing. Feeling a smile crossing his face, Lance reaches for her, "Let me see that angel," and pulls the princess out of her father's arms, kissing her on the cheek. Keith takes the opportunity to refill his coffee cup before getting up and putting some food on a plate from the buffet.

Continuing to hold the baby while patting her back, Lance turns his gaze to Keith as the other man sits back down with his plate, "So, did you keep Adrienne overnight?"

Arching a brow at him, Keith takes a bite of food before answering, "Kind of…I stayed with Allura and Adrienne last night."

Trying to keep his mouth from dropping open, Lance stares Keith as he continues to eat, his tone slightly incredulous, "You slept with Allura? In the same bed?"

Keith turns and glares at Lance, who shakes his head as he continues, "Keith, it's just that I know you didn't stay with her the night before. You told me you couldn't handle being that close to her yet, even though you were going to work on the marriage. I'm just surprised by this. So, have you forgiven her?"

Turning his gaze back to his food, Keith feels his irritation with his friend slowly slide away. He sighs before he looks back at Lance, "I never want to be as afraid as I was yesterday, Lance. The thoughts that went through my head when I thought I had lost both of them…" he stops, drops his fork onto the table then takes Adrienne back from Lance and holds her close to him again.

Lance studies his friend closely as he cuddles his daughter. His tone is low as he asks, "Do you love Allura?"

Refusing to answer at first, Keith continues to hold Adrienne close. When he finally looks back up at Lance, his gaze is resolute, "Yes. I think part of me always has." He sighs then looks back down at his daughter, "It took almost losing her for me to even realize how much Allura means to me." He gives a muted laugh, "Sven asked me about it months ago when he noticed the way I acted around her. I denied it to him…and myself…refused to acknowledge it."

Reaching over, Lance caresses the baby's cheek as he hesitantly asks, "What about Beth? Did you love her?"

Taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly, Keith closes his eyes briefly before returning his gaze to his friend, "It was different Lance…I thought I loved Beth. But now…" he stops and shakes his head again unable to finish. Lance stays silent, watching his best friend struggle with his emotions. When Keith finally looks back up, his eyes are full of confusion, "I don't know what the hell to think or feel anymore…"

Lance finally smiles at him, "Well, I'm glad you are able to figure out your soap opera of a love life."

Snorting with derision, Keith rolls his eyes as he retorts, "Leave it to you to come up with some uplifting thought."

Continuing to laugh at him, the lieutenant pats Keith's shoulder before getting up to get himself some breakfast, "That is what I am here for good buddy."

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Sighing sleepily, Allura stretches as she slowly awakens. She turns over in bed and slowly opens her eyes, noticing she is alone. Frowning to herself as she reaches over, she runs her hand over the indentation in the pillow where Keith's head lay last night. Grabbing the pillow, she holds it close to her as she inhales his scent, the musky, outdoorsy smell that she always has associated with Keith.

Her mind runs over the memories of the night before and the look in his eyes as he kissed her. A hopeful feeling begins in her heart and races through her. Releasing the pillow, Allura slowly rises and looks about the room then glances back at the clock on the side table. Grimacing at the lateness of the hour and the pressure in her breasts, she throws back the covers and gets out of bed, pausing as a wave of dizziness assails her. Stumbling forward, Allura grabs the poster of her bed with one hand and slowly sinks to the floor while holding her head with the other.

She can hear the door to her room opening then hears Keith saying her name frantically. Closing her eyes, Allura feels him picking her up and placing her back on the bed while demanding, "Allura! Answer me!"

Blindly reaching up with a hand, she feels him grabbing it between his and rubbing it, but keeps her eyes closed as she whimpers, "Dizzy…"

Keith studies his wife's pale face as his eyes drift once again to the bandage on her forehead. He reaches for it, "Let me check your wound, sweetheart." Slowly, he pulls up the bandage, cringing when he hears her whimper as the tape pulls on the wounded skin.

Throwing the bandage into the garbage can beside the bed, he looks back down at her and studies the gash. The bruising that started the night before had only darkened. Grimacing at the sight of it, Keith acknowledges that while not deep enough to need stitches it certainly is bad enough. He lightly touches it with his fingers and listens to Allura sighing as the coolness from his skin relieves some of the pain, however briefly. She slowly opens her eyes once more as Keith's hand moves from her forehead to her cheek, "Are you all right?"

Giving a brief nod then frowning at the dizziness it causes, she tries to sit up again only to have Keith push her back down, "Rest Allura…I don't want you to collapse again." Staring up at him, she blushes and looks away before whispering, "I need to use the bathroom…"

The look of concern leaves Keith's eyes as he tries not to laugh. Clearing his throat, he answers, "Yes…I can see that would be something you need to take care of." He pulls on her hand then places his other hand on her arm to help her up, "Slowly Allura…" as she sits up again. Keith stands in front of her as she rises from the bed then grips his arms as another wave of dizziness assails her.

Glancing over at the bathroom door while thinking she would never make it over there, Keith finally says, "Close your eyes Allura, I'll carry you in there." He picks her up, holding her close to him as he carries her into the bathroom then slowly sets her back down on her feet. She re-opens her eyes and looks around as Keith studies her face. When she looks back at him, he asks, "All right?"

Allura releases her grip on him then steps back while answering, "Yes." Keith smiles at her then turns toward the door, "I'll be right outside, yell at me if you need help." Not answering, she watches Keith exit the room.

Pacing outside of Allura's bathroom door, Keith feels his impatience growing as he waits for her to come back out. He stops a few minutes later as the door finally re-opens and his wife slowly walks back out, her face still damp from its washing. She meets his gaze, "Adrienne?"

Moving in front of his wife, Keith studies her sapphire eyes as he once again reaches for her cheek, unable to resist wiping away the left over moisture, "She's asleep Allura. I fed her a bottle while you slept."

He notices the grimace that crosses her expression then she pulls away from him and turns back toward the bathroom. Keith grabs her arm to stop her, "Where are you going?"

Pausing as she turns back to him, she refuses to meet his eyes, her cheeks turning red as she answers, "I need my breast pump."

Keith tries not to laugh but can't help smiling at her as he says, "I'll get it, let's get you lying back down." Holding her arm, he slowly walks with her back to the bed then walks back to the bathroom to get the pump. Walking out with it a moment later, he sits down on the bed beside her then holds it out to her.

Taking the pump, she thanks him then sits there staring at it, her cheeks still flush with embarrassment. Finally taking the hint, Keith leans down and kisses her cheek, "I've got some things I need to take care of, but I'll be back later to check on you…rest. Please don't try to get out of bed again without help, ring for one of the maids." He smiles at her once more before he gets up and leaves the room.

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Awakening later that afternoon, Allura listens to the sounds of her governess bustling around the room. She opens her eyes then slowly sits up as Nanny stops her activities and smiles at her, "Ahh…finally awake I see. How do you feel?"

Allura smiles at her old caregiver, "I'm fine Nanny. The wound on my head is simply sore." Nanny opens her mouth to comment but stops when there is a knock at the door. She walks across the room and opens the door to allow Coran in.

Smiling in greeting, the advisor walks toward the bed, "Majesty, it is good to see you awake. I trust your injury isn't overly bothersome?"

Dropping her gaze away from Coran, the queen slowly shakes her head. Concerned, he looks away from her toward Nanny, who shrugs absently and shakes her head in response. Coran clears his throat facing, her once more, "If you feel up to it, Majesty, I have some items we need to discuss and a few decisions you need to make."

When Allura finally looks up at Coran, tears run down her cheeks as she whispers, "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you."

Gazing down at her in shock, the older man starts, "Allura…" Rushing over to the bed, Nanny pulls the queen into her arms as Allura begins crying in earnest, "Darling girl…how could you think you could ever disappoint us?"

Sitting down on the bed beside her, Coran says her name quietly. When Allura finally pulls back from the governess to look at him, he replies, "Allura, I won't deny that I was upset with you when you became pregnant out of wedlock or the way you became pregnant." He looks away briefly, weariness entering his tone, "The more I have thought about it though, the more I feel I'm actually to blame for it."

Allura's eyes go wide with shock as he raises his gaze to meet hers again, "I pushed you so hard to marry for political gain, even though I knew how you felt about the commander. I had hoped it was just some silly, girlish crush that would go away…I should have known better," a soft smile slips across his face, "You are not the type to foolishly give away your heart. In that regard, you are much like your mother." The smile disappears then he lowers his head as he explains, "I informed the commander and his men, when they first arrived, that you were off-limits, meant for something more." Coran looks back up at her sadly, "Keith, being the honorable man he is, stayed away from you as requested. He didn't allow himself to even view you as anything other than the Princess of Arus. You were someone that was his duty to protect and serve, but no more."

Reaching over, the advisor takes her hand, "I figured it might disturb you to see the commander with Beth, but had no idea what hell I put you through by denying what was right in front of me. I'm so sorry, Allura that you felt heartbroken and desperate enough that you thought you had to do what you did."

Tears continue to fall down her cheeks as Allura leans over and Coran pulls her tight to him, hugging her. He strokes her hair, "You are the daughter I never had, Allura. I would never think of you as a disappointment and I am sorry that you ever thought you could be."

Looking across the bed as he holds the queen, Coran finds a sad smile on the governess' face. Tightening his grip on Allura, he returns the smile then buries his face in her hair. Nanny sniffles quietly as she wipes at the tears running down her cheeks before reaching over and grasping Allura's hand, squeezing it tightly as the queen looks back at her with a smile.

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Once Coran and Nanny leave the room, Allura slowly rises and makes her way to the nursery. She smiles at Adrienne as she moves about in her crib. Running her hand along the baby's cheek, she finally picks her up when she begins to fuss. She slowly walks over to the rocking chair then feeds her daughter while humming a lullaby. Once the baby is done eating, she continues to hum to her while patting her back. After her daughter falls asleep, Allura slowly rises and places her back in her crib.

Feeling lonely, she reenters her bedroom then puts on her bathrobe before leaving the room. Slowly making her way down the hall, Allura stops in front of Keith's office door then knocks softly. Once she hears his voice calling out, "Enter," she opens the door and walks into the room.

Keith's head is down as he continues to write on a piece of paper. He does not look up as he says, "Be with you in a moment." Watching him, she slowly walks up to the desk then starts to move around it as Keith finally sits back and notices her, "Allura…" As he rises from his chair, Allura walks up to him and places her head on his chest as his arms wrap around her. She feels his lips kiss the top of her head before hearing him ask, "Are you all right?"

Moving her arms around his waist, Allura nods against his chest but does not speak. He takes a deep breath and releases it as he rubs her back, "What's wrong? Does your head hurt?"

Sighing, Allura glances up at him, whispers, "Lonely," then pushes her face back into his chest.

Making an understanding noise in the back of his throat, Keith pulls away long enough to sit back down in his chair then reaches for her arm and pulls her into his lap. Allura snuggles her face into his neck as he wraps his arms around her while asking, "Lonely huh…"

Digging her fingers into his shirt, she answers, "Every time I wake up alone, I'm scared that I'll find it was a dream and that you still hate me…"

She can feel his body stiffening underneath her as his tone turns hard, "I never hated you Allura…"

Taking a shuddering breath, she interrupts him, "Felt like it. Once Romelle left, no one would talk to me, except Coran and Nanny. I was in a castle full of people and I felt completely alone."

Keith fights a battle within himself as his anger once again begins to resurface. Trying to push it away, he curtly replies, "Allura I had a right to be angry with you." He feels her tears falling against the skin of his neck as she sighs, "I know…" She lifts her head and looks into his eyes as the tears continue to fall, "I'm sorry…so sorry…that I hurt you."

Taking a deep breath and releasing it, he feels his anger dissolve slowly. He pulls Allura back against him and tightens his arms around her as she buries her face into his neck once more. Unable to stop himself from picking at the subject, he asks, "Allura, all those times I asked you who the father was…why didn't you tell me? Finding out by having Coran shoving Adrienne into my arms…" he pauses a moment, "That wasn't the way I would have chosen to find out I was a father."

Shuddering against him, Allura digs her fingers into his shirt as she replies, "I didn't know for sure that I was pregnant until I fainted at Christmas and Dr. Gorma told me." Her voice begins to break, "I knew Coran…would insist…you marry me and you had just proposed to Beth." She takes several deep breaths to calm down, "I didn't want to ruin your happiness because of my mistake. Not telling you or anyone else the name the father was the only thing I could think of to stop that."

Stiffening unconsciously again as he once again struggles with the anger boiling up inside of him again, Keith hesitantly asks, "I still wouldn't know, would I Allura…if Adrienne didn't look like me?"

She does not answer him, instead tightening her hold on him while burying her face into his neck. Keith takes a deep breath and lets it go in an effort to calm himself. Feeling her tense body against him, he rubs her back lightly then deliberately lightens his tone as he says, "You didn't answer me earlier…how's your head?"

Relieved by the change of subject, Allura continues to grip him tightly as she answers, "Sore."

Sighing, he continues to rub her back when another thought hits him, "Did you eat today?" He feels her nod her head against him, but her grip loosens on his shirt as she replies, "Nanny brought me lunch."

He looks over at the clock then turns toward her to kiss her forehead, "Dinner is in an hour. You better go get a bath and change. I don't want to hear what Nanny would say if you went to dinner in your bathrobe."

Reluctantly releasing her husband, Allura slowly rises from his lap and looks sadly at him once more before leaving the room. When the door closes behind her, Keith sits back in his chair and takes several deep breaths while pushing his fingers into his eyes, trying to calm the rage the conversation stirred within him.

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Forty-five minutes later, Keith walks down the hall toward his wife's room feeling quite calm. Between the worry the day before about losing her to realizing that he loved her to their conversation that afternoon that had enraged him, his emotions felt like they had survived a rollercoaster ride from hell. He had left his office early to find the bottle of whiskey that Lance usually kept hidden in the rec room.

Two shots later and a walk around the castle gardens gave him the time he need to analyze their conversation. It aggravated him to realize that had she admitted to the child being his earlier, the outcome would have likely been the same. He would still have been enraged at first, refusing to see her, talk to her and that could have jeopardized Adrienne's birth. It was a hard truth to swallow…no matter when Allura would have told him…he would not have taken it well and at least this way, he had his daughter.

"I have to let this go…it can't be changed or undone," was what he concluded after several trips around the garden path. Having made up his mind, the calm came over him and all the pain and hurt seemed to disappear. He was surprised when he glanced at his watch and realized it was soon time for dinner and he needed to go pick up his wife.

Knocking on the door, Keith walks in when requested then pauses as Allura stands up from her vanity and turns to face him. A bandage once again covered the wound on her head, but her face already had more color to it than when he had first seen her two days before. The look in her eyes is hesitant as she smiles at him then gestures down to the dress, "Nanny found me a new one."

Looking down at the dress, Keith had to agree is complimented her much more than the old pink dresses did. Much simpler in style, the light blue cotton hugs her upper body, emphasizing her full breasts before flowing to the floor, but it didn't make her look as haggard as the other one she wore to dinner the night before. The sides of her hair are held back with clips, before the mass flows down her back, giving her a more adult look. Looking back into her face, he can see her chewing on her bottom lip as she tries to stand still in front of him.

Moving in front of her, Keith smiles as he compliments, "You look nice," leaning down, he kisses the exposed side of her forehead then adds, "…despite the bandage on your head." As she blushes and looks away from him, he reaches up to caress her cheek while saying, "We are ok, Allura…"

Her eyes finally rise to meet his, the uncertainty still there as she asks, "You forgive me?"

Taking a deep breath, Keith nods to her, "Yes," then pulls her into his arms, holding her close to his body. His lips move over the top of her head as he continues, "While I wish you would have said something to me before all this had happened, I'm not going to hold it against you for the rest of our lives." Pulling back, he smiles at her, "For better or worse, it's you and me."

As she finally smiles, one that reaches her eyes, he says, "Let's get to dinner." At her nod, he takes her arm and escorts her from the room.

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As everyone finishes their dessert, Allura fights to keep her eyes open. Exhausted, she feels her eyelids drooping then shakes her head a little in the effort to wake up. Her attention moves across the table as Lance asks, "Anybody feel like a movie tonight? Coran said they finished repairing the rec room this afternoon."

"I think we will pass."

Allura turns her head toward her husband, who smiles at her as he finishes, "Allura's about to fall sleep in her chair. I think I should get her to bed."

She does not get a chance to reply as he rises from his chair beside hers then helps her up. Allura barely hears the calls of good night from the others as she takes Keith's arm and he leads them from the dining room.

Neither speaks as Keith escorts her to her room. She glances at him as they walk into the room and he nods toward the bathroom, "Go, and get ready for bed." Nodding to him, she moves over to her dresser to find a nightgown then goes into the bathroom as instructed. When she comes out a few minutes later, disappointment fills her to find the room empty. Feeling tears starting to fill her eyes, she jumps as the door to the nursery opens and Keith steps back into the room.

Noticing the look on her face, he quickly walks over to her, "What's wrong?"

Moving into his arms, Allura lays her head against his chest, "You were gone."

"I only went to check on Adrienne," he explains as Keith runs a hand down her hair. Pulling back, he touches her cheek while saying, "Let's get you into bed," then guides her across the room. Once she lies down, he pulls the covers up over her, tucking her in. As he turns to leave, Allura grabs his hand and pleads, "Stay with me…"

Sitting down on the bed, Keith studies her sapphire eyes, squeezes her hand then replies, "No Allura. I'm not ready to share a room and a bed with you yet."

Tears fill Allura's eyes as she retorts, "But, you said you forgave me…"

"I have…" Keith starts to answer then sighs. Lifting up the hand still holding his so tightly that he can feel it starting to tingle, he kisses it then finishes, "I have forgiven you Allura, but I need some time…so much has happened in the last couple of days. Just give me some time to process it all and adjust."

Her hand reluctantly loosens on his as she nods. Keith leans down and kisses her forehead, "Sleep well. I'll check on you in the morning before practice."

As he attempts to rise once more, Allura grabs his hand again, "Stay until I fall asleep." Feeling exasperation filling him, he looks back into her eyes to find tears welling in them as she continues to plead, "Please Keith, I don't want to be alone."

Keith finally nods and sits back down as he instructs, "Turn onto your side, Allura." Turning away from him as asked, she feels him move in behind her then his arm wraps around her waist as he spoons her. Sighing and feeling safe, Allura closes her eyes and falls asleep while inhaling his scent.

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Awakening the next morning, sadness fills her as she finds herself alone in the bed. She turns over, pushes her hair out of her face, and finds a note on the pillow beside her. Picking up the note, Allura opens it and happiness fills her as she recognizes Keith's handwriting. Hope you slept well…take it easy today. See you at lunch.

A knock at the door has her turning her attention away from the note, "Yes?"

It opens to reveal Christine, carrying in a breakfast tray. She smiles as she says, "I thought you might be hungry since you missed breakfast."

Reservation fills her as Allura remembers the conversations she once heard between Christine and Beth. Keeping her tone neutral, she replies, "I could have gone to the kitchen…"

The smile falls off Christine's face as she sets the tray down on the mattress beside the queen. Sitting down next to it, her fingers lightly trace over the dome covering the plate. She finally looks back at Allura and whispers, "I know you have no reason to trust me…" their eyes meet, "but I would like to be your friend."

Allura gives her a disbelieving look as she starts to throw back the covers to rise from the bed. Desperate, Christine reaches out to grab her hand to stop her. "Please, I know I was wrong about you…about many things. Beth…was wrong as well. I never stopped to think through the things she said, but I realize now that she was jealous of you…as was I."

Releasing the queen's hand, Christine gestures wildly as she continues, "All we saw was that you were this beautiful princess, who lived in a castle and you had these handsome men, who surrounded you and protected you. You piloted a lion…you were everything we weren't and I couldn't believe that Lance could possibly want me instead of you."

"We've only ever been friends…" whispers Allura as she stares at the woman next to her.

"I know that now," answers Christine. She smiles sadly, "It took me a long time to realize that you are only human like the rest of us. You have feelings, dreams…things you wanted and saw taken away from you."

Tears fill Allura's eyes as she looks away from her. She feels Christine take her hand again and looks back to find her eyes hopeful, "I understand what happened between you and Keith. It's not my place to judge you, but if I were in your shoes and saw Lance walking away from me…I can't truthfully say that I wouldn't have done something similar."

The hand holding hers tightens and Allura listens to Christine sincerely repeat, "I would like us to be friends."

Nodding, Allura sucks back a sobbing breath as she answers, "I would like that too…"

Smiling brilliantly, Christine releases the queen's hand then takes the top off the platter to reveal enough food for at least two people, "I don't know about you…but I'm starving."

A quiet laugh escapes the queen at the sight of all the food. She nods to her new friend then reaches for a piece of fruit as they begin to eat and talk.