"Hi, come on in," the rather curvaceous young thing at the door chirped. She was wearing nothing but a bikini, and when I say bikini, I mean a thong and two eye patches over her boobs. She was bronzed from head to foot, courtesy of either a great spray job, or the Californian sun. I mean, I'm tan too, but part of my genetics are Middle Eastern, so duh. Her golden blonde hair shimmered around her toned shoulders, not a speck of body hair to be found on her perfect skin. Wow, she must spend a lot of money on wax. Or should I say, Josef does. No doubt he forked over a lot for that diamond choker around her neck and the matching gear around her wrist and ankle. "I'm Leslie. You must be Leni."
"Yeah, hi. How's it going?" I hear myself say, more than a little incredulous. I shouldered my bag of belongings, looking around. I can feel my eyebrows practically trying to leap off my face. Walking further into the house, it looks like one big locker room, only it's totally co-ed. A couple shirtless guys are right at home, wearing really thin swimming shorts, and they're totally ripped. Mick looks totally embarrassed, like he wants to crawl under a rock or something. He's probably used to it, (if this is normal for Josef anyway) but it's probably a lot worse when there's another witness, who is only here because it was his idea.
"This is a non-judgment zone," she was telling us. Her voice reminded me of the Barbie dolls from Toy Story 2. (One of Mara's favorite, and actually I did enjoy it.) Geez, how could anyone sound so cheerful? I mean, I know she was living in the lap of luxury, but she lived with Josef. She must be spiking her herbal tea with something, that's all I could figure. "Clothing is optional. Josef encourages us to be one with our sexuality and self-confidence."
"Oh, I bet he does." I wriggled my eyebrows in Mick's direction. He just groaned helplessly. "Whata guy."
"Do you want to meet the girls?" I want to say something sarcastic, but the look in her pretty green eyes is completely genuine. Even if she is disgustingly beautiful and way, way too perky, she seems to be a nice person.
"Maybe some other time," Mick hastily interjects. Some of the girls and one of the guys are blatantly checking him out. That doesn't seem to be helping his comfort level. I feel a wise crack coming on strong, but decide to have pity. Even this saintly P.I. has his limits, I have a feeling. "Do you know where Josef wants her to stay?"
Looking around, I can't help but notice the other girls. A pair is on the couch, one Hispanic, and one from Asian descent. They're both wearing 'swimwear' and eyeballing me. One just looks curious, but the Latina girl is giving me the evil eye. I met her gaze head-on, giving her a 'what are you going to do about it' look. Seriously, did she think I was interested in competing with her? Over what? Josef Kostan? I could have saved her the anxiety, trust me.
Mick gently touched my arm, and I broke the staring contest. "Come on, Leni. Your apartment's this way."
"My apartment?" I echoed, shaking my head as I followed Mick out of the exhibition parlor, down a corridor luxuriously carpeted, and there was probably priceless art on the walls. Leslie stayed behind. At the end of this hall of opulence, there was a sleek elevator that we stepped into. Yeah, that's right, an elevator. "Doesn't exactly believe in simple living, does he?"
The doors closed behind us. "Josef doesn't believe in self-deprivation, no."
I had to snort at that. "Yeah, I noticed. What's with the harem? Are they all his 'girlfriends?' How much Viagra is he taking?"
"I forgot to ask," Mick drawled. He pressed the button that was labeled 'B3.' "As for the women downstairs, all of them provide Josef with…company, I guess. Some are more special than others. But his favorites wouldn't be down there anyway. They each other their own special section in the house or their own place."
"How progressive," I said, not impressed and not afraid to show it. To me, it seemed to be like the ones downstairs were the glorified booty calls, all hanging around just in case Mr. High and Mighty snapped his fingers. It took women back fifty years, if you asked me, though I had the feeling that no one would.
"Josef goes for shock value," Mick warned me. "The more of a reaction he get's, the more outrageous he'll get. It's better just to go with the flow."
"And you do?"
"It saves time." It sounded like he was the voice of experience on this one. "Underneath it all, Josef's a genuinely decent guy."
"An acquired taste, you said," I reminded him as the doors slid open. We stepped out onto another hall, but this one was different. It was nice, but more down-to-earth, I guess. There was blue wallpaper up in a mellow shade, a few watercolors on the wall. Our shoes clicked on the hard wood floors, the sound occasionally muffled by the random throw rug. There were three doors, and Mick opened the middle one.
"This is it," he announced, gesturing in a wide sweep. I was surprised into speechlessness. The place was…cozy, normal, and welcoming. I sat down on the burgundy couch, surprised that Josef Kostan would have put a room together like this. Then again, he probably didn't. He probably clapped his hands and sent some lackey to do it. Or maybe one of his booty calls got bored and decided to get creative. "Do you like it?" Mick was asking.
"Actually, yeah. I'll be at home here."
"Well, there's a load off my mind." I looked up at the doorway; to see Josef lounging against the frame. He looked about as thrilled to see me as I was thrilled to see him.
"Well, on second thought…" I muttered. Mick shot us both a stern look. I forced a smile. "Hello, Josef. Thanks for letting me stay here." I almost grimaced. Geez, could I sound any more fake if I tried?
"Well, I couldn't turn down my best friend in a time of need, now could I?" Translation: 'Don't flatter yourself; I'm doing this for Mick.' Fine by me. Like I wanted any favors from this jerk. "Let's all just be glad that it's temporary."
"Amen," I shot back, not able to help myself. Uh-oh, Mick was giving me the look again, but Josef didn't look fazed. Small wonder, with his personality, he's probably letting insults and reprimands roll off his back all day.
"Look, I have some afternoon errands to run," Mick was telling us. "I'm gonna leave. When I come back to pick Leni up this evening, I don't want to walk into a battle zone. Got it?" He turned to me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "You'll be fine; you're a survivor, Leni. Try to make this work, for my sake, okay? I can't be ten places at once, I'm not superman. This is my best shot at being able to protect you right."
"Fine," I muttered, resigned. "So basically keep all smart-ass comments to myself?"
"Hey, I'm a realist," Mick countered. Josef scoffed, but was ignored. "Just limit them, okay? Can you do that? And don't…be difficult just for fun, hmmm?"
"Spoil sport." But I grinned, and hugged him. "I'll make the best of it, Mick, I promise."
Mick's arms went around me, squeezing gently. He rubbed my back for a few seconds, and then the moment was over. I was kind of surprised Josef didn't offer some gem of sarcasm, but miracle of miracles, he kept his yapper shut. Josef left with Mick, but the last thing I heard Mick say was: "And as for you, Josef…" It perked me up that I wasn't the only one getting lectured. Immature of me? Sure. But I figured I'd earned a little immaturity, at least for right now.
The somewhat perky feeling went south mighty fast when Josef came back into the room. I stifled a groan. "I could have been changing," I pointed out.
"There's a bedroom for that."
"And if I was one of those types that likes to walk around in the buff?" Okay, so I wasn't, but he didn't know that.
He didn't even miss a beat. "Then I'd have to drop by unannounced more often."
"Lucky me. Wouldn't your girlfriends get jealous?" If he thought I was going to stutter over a little innuendo, he better buckle his seatbelt, because he was in for a bumpy ride.
"My girls know how much value I put on sharing." There was a twinkle in his eyes that I would have found endearing if he wasn't such a sleaze. "We're all one big happy family."
"I'm sure the unlimited credit cards help," I mused, pretending to think it over real hard. Then I shook my head, ready to get down to business. "Look, not that this isn't fun, but I'm sure you didn't come by this wing of the manor for chit-chat."
"Why, Miss Hayes, are you suggesting that this intoxicating conversation should ever end?" A look of mock horror crept over his face, and I had to choke down the laughter that bubbled up. I mean, I didn't want to encourage him, right? Still, I was beginning to see in small doses how he might be construed as charming. In mighty small doses.
"I'm suggesting," I said dryly. "Look, what's the deal? What do you want?"
In a blink, his expression changed, his face settling into hard, cold lines. "I don't want us to misunderstand each other, Leni. Let's just lay the cards on the table."
"Just spit it out." He stepped into the room, shutting the door with his foot, circling me like a wolf circles a wounded deer. I shivered. Not exactly the most comforting mental comparison I could have made.
"I don't know what you're up to, but you're hiding something." His voice is soft, cold, knowing. It creeps me out more than if he started ranting and raving. "Mick must be off his game, because he can't see it."
"Or maybe you're just paranoid and need therapy," I suggest flippantly. "Just make sure he's middle-aged and overweight or you might get distracted."
He's standing in front of me now, just inches from me. I hate giving him the satisfaction, but I stumble back, unnerved. "Nervous?"
"Back off," I spit, going for pissed rather than shaky. "If you hurt me-"
"I don't hurt pregnant women." Oh, yeah, like that's some big-Wait a minute. How did he know…could he sense it? Did Mick tell him? "Surprised? Don't be. Mick and I have few secrets."
"It wasn't his secret to tell." If I sounded resentful it was because I was. I knew I couldn't hide the pregnancy for much longer, but damned if I wanted my baby being the topic over Poker Night.
"Don't succumb to righteous indignation just yet. Our hero told me so I'd go easy on you." He pauses, waiting for some kind of response. I kept my mouth shut, waiting to see where he was going with this. "I'm not going to hurt you, but I don't plan on going easy on you. I'm going to have my eye on you. If you slip up, and you will, I'll be the first to know."
I didn't even bother keeping the contempt out of my voice, and I could feel my face twisting in anger. "Oh, you've got a spy cam around? Bathroom footage oughta be entertaining."
"That brand of voyeurism isn't really my thing. It's a little too close to rape for my tastes. There are some boundaries, Leni, even I would never cross. Well, not that I'd ever need to." Does he care if I believe him or not?
"That's good to know," I ventured hesitantly, most of my anger draining away. "Okay, let's agree that you're not a rapist, and let's agree that I'm not some kind of international spy that for some bizarre reason is out to hurt you or Mick. Come on, Josef, what's my motive for being a threat?"
"I have a lot of business…rivals…and Mick's stepped on quite a few toes over the years. Someone could have hired you as a plant." I can tell he's choosing his words carefully, calculating how much to reveal and how. His eyes are penetrating, searching.
"Well, bully for you, but I don't give a rat's ass about your business." Maybe I needed to get a few things across to him. "I'm about to testify against a cold-blooded killer who wants to wipe me out. Oh, yeah, and I'm about to embark on single motherhood, and try to find some way to keep my head financially above water. I don't have the energy to obsess over your stupid life or dig into Mick's personal affairs."
"Which is why you were snooping through his things?" Oh, brother. Nag, nag, nag.
"Didn't we cover all that this morning?" I asked. "It was all about Steinbeck, okay? Is literature a crime?"
"You were looking for something, Leni, and I want to know what it was. And until you tell me, I'm not going to let up."
"So, you're going to hang around me, bitching about a bookshelf?" I smirked at how annoyed he looked. Good. That made us about even. "Didn't think so. Look, be all obsessed if you want about the big bad mystery. Happy hunting, Sherlock. But Mick trusts me, and I trust him, and that's all that matters."
"Touching," he clips out at me, jamming his hands in his trouser pockets. "Now, there's a couple rules to make your stay all the less inconvenient for me."
"Oh, fabulous. Should I take notes?" I chirped, doing an imitation of Leslie downstairs.
Probably in spite of himself, his lips twitched at the corners. "Rule 1, everything you need is in this apartment. There's a fully stocked refrigerator, a working bathroom with a more than adequate sized bathtub and shower, and there's an exit off the kitchen that will take you out of the house. This generosity has a very specific purpose, to keep your snooping self out of my house. One foot outside this apartment into my personal domain and you've got yourself an eviction notice. Clear?"
"Kind of harsh," I observed, thinking about it. "And if a psycho breaks in and is chasing me with a gun? What am I supposed to do? Scream: 'But Josef won't let me into the rest of the house, so can you please chase me in the direction of the other exit?'"
"If someone was efficient enough to buck my security system, get into the house without detection, then I doubt you could get away from them in the first place." Oh, yeah, that's comforting, I thought. "Leni, when I agreed to let you stay here, I took responsibility for you and your safety. Nothing is going to happen to you. Mick would never let me live it down, and that's simply unacceptable."
"I'm going to hold you to that," I warned him.
"Rule number two, no houseguests. Since you aren't even paying rent, buying your own food-"
"Look, do you think I like owing anyone anything? Especially you? It's a total yuck." I took a deep breath to keep my voice volume manageable. "I'm going to get a job as soon as possible. I haven't yet because staying alive has been kind of a priority, silly me."
"Point taken," he conceded smoothly. "Trust me, you aren't even making a ripple in my finances, but I expect to get what I pay for."
"You mean like buy me like you buy everyone else," I accuse.
"From your tone I gather you perceive that as a regrettable practice?" He straightened his Hermes tie, looking like he was ready to pose on Business 500.
"Duh."
"You know of a better way to control a situation?" He looks genuinely curious as to how I'll respond.
"Great, a paranoid control freak. So, no houseguests, no venturing into the palace of excessiveness. Anything else?" Actually, I didn't have much of a problem with anything so far, it was the attitude I could have done without.
"My maids will clean up once a week-" he started to say.
"I can clean up after myself," I informed him quickly. Knowing Josef, he'd probably have his maids go through my stuff and report back to him.
"Good, then you won't have a culture shock when you leave. However, as long as you're in my house, my maids will clean up. I have a very high standard of perfection in housekeeping, and I doubt you're up to it." Good grief, could he be any more condescending? "Still, go ahead and pick up after yourself. I don't want more valuable time being wasted here than necessary."
"I'll try," I sniped, wanting to take that tie and shove down into his big mouth, down his throat. "So, can I be expecting you just to barge on in whenever you want? And what about your harem? Do they come and go whenever they feel like it?"
Josef considered me for a minute or two before answering me. "I reserve the right to stop by whenever I feel like it, since this is part of my property. However, if any one of my 'harem' as you so wittingly refer to them, want to visit, they will call first." He gestured to the intercom in the wall. It had a lot of buttons. Below each button was a room name, including several of the girls, I guess in case I wanted to buzz someone in particular. "If you're not home, then they won't come up."
"Also, I'd like to know when the maids will be coming by to clean, so I can be here for that."
"So they don't lift your valuables?" His tone implied I probably didn't have much to lift. It was kind of insulting, even if he was right.
"Or maybe I just get lonesome," I countered tartly.
"Here." He handed me a piece of paper. It was a bunch of letters and numbers jumbled together. "Memorize this. This is the access code to your exit out of the building."
I stared at the paper, feeling my brow wrinkle in confusion. "Um, you couldn't just use a key?"
"If you've been around Mick for any length of time, you understand how little good a mere lock can do faced with the wrong person." He led me to the kitchen, opened the door. Beyond, there was a narrow passageway that led to a steep set of stairs. I flicked on the light switch, but after looking down the 3 flights of stairs, all I saw was a wall.
"Um, Josef, do you expect me to dig my way out?" He sighed at what he perceived as annoying ignorance, and led me down. I clutched at the railing, and reminded myself to take it slow. When we made it to the bottom, he pulled back what had looked like a part of the wall, which revealed a small panel of buttons. He punched in the letters and numbers he'd given me, and the wall slid away. "Oh. Cool. I guess it's like that on the other side?"
"Coincidentally, yes." It was the same set-up, and I had to admit, it was a good idea. An idea from a paranoid mind, sure, but a good one, anyway. "Now, remember where the access area is, unless you want to have to call Mick for help. That would be a little embarrassing."
"I'll manage," I snapped. I reminded myself beggars couldn't be choosers, that I was lucky to have a rent-free, (okay, bill-free) place to stay until I got on my feet. Not to mention, I knew in my bones I'd be safe here. Josef, asshole that he might have been, would be able to provide a safe place. I believed him when he said he'd be able to watch out for me.
It's probably a good thing that I didn't know some monsters could breach any wall, no matter how high.