Callie woke early the next morning and laid in the bed, staring at the ceiling, and couldn't help the smile etched onto her face. The kiss she shared with Arizona was so sweet, so innocent, yet it awakened something in her that had laid dormant for a while now. Callie sighed and reluctantly rolled out of bed and took a shower, thinking of what Arizona said about moving forward.
Her wife had a point. If she was truly forgiving Arizona then she had to come to terms with her own issues about Arizona's betrayal and find a way to move on from it. She still needed time to get the image of her wife and another woman out of her head but she could do it for the sake of herself and her marriage. And just like everything else they were doing lately if they could just take their time and keep talking to each other it would all work out, she could feel it deep down in her bones. Callie dressed for the day in jeans, a blouse and her leather jacket and exited the apartment in time to see Arizona and Sofia doing the same. Sofia ran straight to her as Callie leaned down and wrapped her in a hug.
"Mommy!"
"Hey baby girl." Callie hugged her tighter and squeezed her daughter until she struggled to get free. As she pulled back Callie pushed the stray hairs behind Sofia's ears. "Are you ready for day care?"
"Yep. Me and Zola is gonna make cards for Santa."
Callie smiled wide. "Well that sounds like loads of fun. How's about I come see you later and help you a little bit?"
"Awdsome. Mama already said she would too."
"Did she now? Well, we'll make it a family event then won't we."
Sofia nodded her head up and down rapidly and ran over to push the elevator call button as Callie pulled herself back to her full height and turned her attention to Arizona.
"Hey." Callie pulled her purse strap straighter on her shoulder, a smile creeping onto her face as took Arizona in. She was wearing jeans that fit her in all the right places and a blue blouse that brought out her eyes.
Arizona smiled back. "Hi." The elevator dinged and the three of them walked inside together, Callie and Arizona standing side by side at the back as Sofia stood in front of them, blissfully unaware of what was going on behind her. Callie shyly moved her hand until it connected with Arizona's wrist, slowly moving down until their fingers touched and they intertwined them. Neither looked at the other and they didn't talk, they just let it be.
Arizona finally flicked her head sideways to sneak a peek at Callie who was looking straight ahead, giving nothing away. When Arizona turned her face back to the elevator doors Callie took her turn to peek at her wife. They were acting like teenagers and they knew it, but neither cared. The ride to the lobby was over too soon but their hands were still laced, both feeling the electricity through this tiniest of connections.
Sofia had exited first and walked to the glass entry doors when she turned back to find her mothers slowly walking together, their hands still connected, toward her. She waited patiently for them to join her and held out her hands for them to take. Sofia always obeyed the rule about holding one of their hands when crossing the road, but today, she had them both and that made the little girl very happy indeed. Callie and Arizona reluctantly let go of one another and took one of Sofia's hands each, Sofia sandwiched between the two people she loved the most as they crossed the road and walked the short distance to the hospital and day care.
After dropping Sofia at day care with assurances that they would definitely come by and help Sofia with her card to Santa, Callie accompanied Arizona to the coffee cart and brought them each a cup. Callie sipped her coffee slowly.
"So...how's your day looking?"
Arizona hid her smile behind her coffee cup. A nervous Callie was so adorably cute and she couldn't help but love it, love her.
"I don't know yet, I haven't been up to Peads to see."
"Ah, yeah, right." Callie whispered under her breath. "So stupid."
Arizona sipped her coffee. "So, are you working with Derek today?"
Callie brightened at the mention of her research. "Yeah. After I watch his implant surgery this morning we'll be testing a new patient. We've had a few hiccups and of course the law suit but I think we're nearly ready to start stage two, so it's getting really exciting."
"That's great. Yay for you." Arizona gave her wife a dimple popping smile as they walked together.
"And for you. You're the inspiration for all of this."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the goal is to create a prosthetic that is as sensitive and responsive as the leg you lost. Get you back to who you were before all of this."
Arizona rolled her eyes, shook her head while looking at the floor and then finally brought her focus back to Callie. She loved the woman standing before her and she wanted to be with her with every fibre of her being, but they couldn't go backwards and fall into the same trap as before. Callie needed to hear the truth and it was about time she told it.
"Come with me." Arizona all but dragged Callie to the elevator and once they arrived on the Peads floor, to her office. She shut and locked the door, steering Callie to a couch she kept in there and stood in front of her wife.
"Callie, you need to understand something. I don't need you to fix my leg."
"What? Who said anything about fixing your leg, I just want to help you to have a better prosthetic, something with a more natural feel."
"I know you do Callie, but there's a difference between helping someone with something and trying to fix them. You've been telling me since I cheated on you that I needed to fix myself first before we could be together and I'm trying. I'll never be who I was after what I went through and I can't change that and you know what? Neither can you." Arizona pinched the bridge of her nose as Callie sat stunned. "And more to the point, I don't want you to. You're trying so hard to fix me that you don't seem to want to see me now, that this IS me now. We're both working so hard to repair this marriage but you can't go around trying to fix my leg so you can stop feeling guilty about cutting it off and magically make things all better."
Callie swallowed hard as Arizona sat beside her and took her hand. "I'm finally accepting who I am now and I'm okay with that person and I need you to be too. I wasn't before and that's why I made bad choices and hid behind a fake smile. I'm working hard to fix the things I need to but I need to do that for myself, you can't do it for me, you said so yourself."
Arizona took a deep breath and gave herself a moment before she continued. "I lied to my therapist and I lied to you. I knew what I was doing in that on call room and it wasn't just about trying to get back at you for cutting off my leg."
Callie slowly looked at Arizona and finally spoke. "Then why Arizona?"
"Because she didn't see me as a cripple or someone to be pitied. She knew who and what I was and that was enough for her. You knew me from before and you wanted me to be that person and she didn't. She just wanted me for me and that made me feel sexy. And I know you never meant to do that to me and I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it's the truth. It took me a while to admit it and Stacey is probably going to kill me for not being honest with her from the beginning but at that point I was so desperate to get you back that I was still lying to myself about why I did it and pretending I didn't know when deep down I did."
Callie pulled her hand from Arizona's and stood, pacing the room and trying desperately to think of a way to say something, anything, without blowing her stack right now. Callie finally stood still, her mind still churning, but finally clear about what was being said to her. Arizona stood and tried to touch Callie who moved away to give herself room to breathe.
"I can't believe this. Why would you lie about not knowing why you cheated on me? Do you think I'm some fragile person that I can't handle the truth? That I would turn my back on you if you told me the God's honest truth. I am your wife and I know damn well you're not the same person anymore and I only wanted to help you. And I can't believe you're gonna stand there and tell me I never tried, not once, to make you feel sexy. Sexy and wanted."
Arizona pointed an accusing finger at Callie. "You did, but at the same time it's because you wanted it too. So don't you stand there and tell me it was all for me."
Callie laughed and shook her head. "I admit it Arizona, I wanted my wife. You make it sound like a fucking crime to want to touch and be intimate with the woman I love. I guess I'm just a selfish and pushy bitch because I wanted you, all of you. Well you know what? Don't worry, it won't be an issue anymore. "
Callie walked the short distance to the door and was about to unlock it and storm out when Arizona desperately pulled her back and pleaded with her.
"Please Callie, don't walk away now. We need to talk about this."
"I don't think there's much more to talk about Arizona. You don't want my help and obviously I'm not as good as Lauren Boswell at making you feel like a beautiful and sexy woman, so why bother."
"You are a better person than she could EVER be and you do make me feel like a beautiful and sexy woman and we do need to talk about this. We fall into this trap every time. We don't talk and we're not honest with each other just because we might hurt one another's feelings and we need to change that. We've come so far just by talking but we need to keep doing it. Callie, please, sit down and let me explain. I just need you to understand."
Callie threw her hands in the air, rolled her eyes, sighed and gave up, taking a seat back on the couch, her arms folded across her chest. This day had started out so good and it had, quite frankly, gone to shit. Arizona cautiously sat beside her and tried to meet her wife's eyes.
"The other week when I told you about the plane crash and everything I went though out there I thought you finally understood. You told me how proud of me you were for being a survivor and it was the first time you didn't look at me like I was a victim and if felt like we finally turned a corner. I treated you so badly for a long time and you stood by me and you will never know how much that means to me, but the more you talk about your research the more it's clear to me that you're still trying to fix what you think is broken in me. I cheated on you and I broke our marriage, but I am not a broken person, not anymore. I need a wife, not someone trying to fix me every five minutes and one who won't accept me as I am."
Callie felt a lone tear roll down her cheek which she quickly wiped away. "I do accept you for who you are Arizona, all I wanted to do was help. All I ever wanted to do was help you. I guess I fucked that one up."
Arizona took Callie's face in her hands and forced her to meet her eyes. "No, I'm the one who ruined us and I'm doing everything I can to make sure that never happens again, but I won't let us fall back into that pattern of you treating me like a victim and lying to you about how I feel just to spare you feelings. I could've and I should've told you this a long time ago but I didn't and that's my fault. And I know you were only ever trying to help me and I love you for it, but please, unless I ask for help, let me do it myself. There are so many people out there who need yours and Derek's help, but I'm not one of them."
"I'm sorry Arizona. I was so wrapped up in trying to help you that I didn't ask if you wanted help, I just assumed you needed it."
Callie pulled Arizona into a hug and held her tight for a moment before pulling back, both wiping at tears.
"I need to ask you something Arizona and I need you to be honest."
"That's why we're here."
"Did you love her?"
Arizona shook her head and took both of Callie's hands. "No. What she and I did was the biggest mistake of my life. I used her to punish you instead of telling you the truth about how I felt and I used her to make me feel good instead of letting myself feel it with you. You did everything to try and make me happy but because I was still so mad at you at the time I wouldn't let myself and I hurt you. I'm so sorry Callie."
Callie gently ran her thumbs up and down her wife's hands. "Arizona? Do you still blame me, even in some small way, for giving the order to amputate?"
"No, I don't Callie, I really don't. I love you with everything I have but I need you to be my wife and not my doctor."
"I get it Arizona, but I can't not be who I am. I love you and I'm always gonna wanna take care of you."
Arizona leaned her forehead to Callie's and sighed quietly. "I love you too and I love how you care so much but you can't treat me like a victim anymore. I need you to really accept me, warts and all, and get to know this me, 'cause this is who I am now."
"I do Arizona. I said to you when we first started talking again that I couldn't be with the version of you that cheated on me and I can't, but who you are now is who I want. You're finally being honest with me and that's what we need so we can both move forward." Callie brought her lips gently to Arizona's, never deepening the kiss, just letting their lips touch lightly. Callie pulled back and took Arizona's face in her hands.
"I wish you would've told me about this a long time ago. I know I can be pushy and sometimes I go over the top but I only wanted to help. And as hard as it is to hear something like this, I get it now. Just promise me when you do need help you'll ask and not be a stubborn cow about it."
Arizona shook her head. "I won't, I promise you. If I need help I'll ask you, every single time."
Callie hesitantly smiled. "Good. 'Cause I can't handle another conversation like this anytime soon. It's giving me a headache."
Callie took Arizona's hands this time and looked her dead in the eye. "Arizona, I want to get past what you did with Boswell and I will and as much as it hurts me to know the whole truth and how I was treating you even though I didn't realize I was doing it, I know we can get past this too."
Arizona smiled. "I know we will, 'cause we have each other and we have love. And as long as we tell the truth from now on, we'll get through anything that comes our way."
Hello, this chapter was a bitch to write. I think I re-wrote it like five times and I'm still not completely happy with it. Anyway, let me know what you think. Till next time, Tigersforever. P.S. To the negative reviewers, if you don't like it don't read it. Skip over this story and move on. I can handle constructive criticism and I welcome it but please understand this chapter was Arizona trying desperately to tell Callie the truth about how she feels. She's not making excuses, in fact, she's finally telling the whole truth and she should be applauded for that and not slammed. We all make mistakes in life and most things can be forgiven with time and patience, but if you think Arizona is beyond redemption why the hell are you reading my story? I love them together and I still love the Arizona character even after what she did. She is a human being and not a robot and we all do shitty things to the people we love. Once again, if you don't like it, don't read it. Go troll somewhere else or better yet, write your own story and see how hard it is to please everyone as well as trying to tell a good story. I apologise to everyone else for this rant but I've enough.