Derek and I stared into each other's eyes across the conference room table.

"It was my fault," he whispered, so quiet that I could barely hear him.

"What?" I frowned.

"We both know it was my fault," he repeated, pulling the pen out of his lab coat pocket and twirling it between his fingers. "I was in the pool."

"Derek…"

"I was in the pool, and I should have been watching closer. I was right there. I should have seen him sooner, and I didn't…and I'm sorry, Mer. I'm sorry. For everything."

I made no move to wipe the tears that trailed down my cheeks. "You didn't do anything wrong. For God's sake, Derek, I was sleeping. I was sleeping." I traced the swirls of the table's wood as I added, "I do wonder, though, whether things would have been different if I had been in the pool."

"Me too," Derek admitted. "It's not your fault, Mer, it's not…" his voice cracked as he said, "my fault…but it doesn't…Every time I'm around you…"

"You see him?" I finished.

Derek nodded.

I reached across the table to take his hand, tears dripping down so fast and thick that I could hardly see. "I just…"

"What?" he prompted.

"I…It seemed like you weren't as upset…"

"You couldn't deal with that," Derek interrupted. "I had no choice, it felt like…I had to be strong for you, and when I couldn't be…"

"You left me," I said, once again finishing his sentence.

"I left you," he nodded. "You are part of me, Mer, you are my other half, and I know it sounds cheesy, but…I don't know…"

"I thought I couldn't exist in a world that Richie wasn't in," I murmured. "And maybe I can't…but I know that I will never make it in a world where you and I aren't together. I can't get through this without you."

"I…"

"Can we go home together? Derek, I…" I let my unspoken words float in the air.

"I miss you too."

OooooooooooooooooO

"Present!" Richie squealed. "What is it, Mommy? What is it?" He grabbed the last box off of the table and pulled it down to the floor.

Purple and blue shreds of wrapping paper littered the floor as I settled into Derek's arms and let his arms wrap around me. Doug was on the floor next to Richie, playing with the giant yellow dump truck that he had gotten for his own birthday. Izzie and George smiled at the kids as Richie finally unsheathed his present. "Ooh, car!!!"

Doug and Richie promptly got to the business of smashing their respective vehicles against one another's as Izzie said, "This is the life, isn't it, Mer? It's an awesome thing."

Derek squeezed my hand as I answered, "This is what we're doing it for...this is what we work for every day."

I reached for the remote control in my lap and hit the pause button, framing it on a still of my son with his left hand enclosed lovingly around his racecar.

"He loved that car," Derek noted, perching on the arm of the couch and taking my free hand.

"I opened all his birthday presents. I just…"

"It's okay."

"His birthday is tomorrow…or…was…"

Derek slid off the arm of the couch and settled in next to me. He hung his arm around my shoulders, and pulled me into his chest. "Meredith…I miss him too."

"I…I put all of the toys on his bed…" My voice rose in pitch with desperation as I continued, "I…I thought he was coming back. But he isn't, Derek. He isn't."

I pulled out from under Derek's arm and took him by the hand, leading him up the stairs into Richie's bedroom and the line of toys.

"He isn't coming back, Mer," Derek whispered, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

"I know," I answered. "I know." I reached out and grabbed the brown bear, pulling it to my chest and sinking to the floor. "I have to figure out how to say goodbye."