SAVE MY HEART FOR YOU
Summary: You don't give up on people you truly love. Whether they are in your life or stand on the edge of your heart, you want them to be happy. This is the truest kind of love because it gives more than it ever receives."
― Shannon L. Alder
Chapter Fourteen: You couldn't have loved me better...But I want you to move on...So I'm already gone
"There will always be a part of you that misses her. You'll see something that reminds you of her and want to tell her about it, only to realize she's not there anymore. Then you'll feel her loss all over again.
"You're not helping me, Ravyn."
I" know, buddy. But you will eventually make peace with yourself, and that's the most important thing. Eventually, you'll even be able to smile again when you think about her. "
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dark Side of the Moon
He goes to a bonfire with Leah and she lets him talk about Bella without punching, kicking, dunking his head in the ocean or pushing him into the fire. In return, he listens to her talk about Sam. He feels a little guilty for how mean he's been to her. She was with Sam for years and he never had a chance with Bella in the first place.
"You know, they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else," Leah remarks and Jacob's eyebrows shoot up.
"Are you propositioning me, Leah?" he asks and she slaps over the head.
"Not me, you idiot!" she growls and gestures over to a girl on the other side of the fire, whose been making eyes at him all night.
She's attractive and all but…
"Not my type," he says and Leah rolls her eyes, handing him a can of cola.
Sam walks by holding hands with Emily and Leah's eyes darken.
"I guess I'll take my own advice then," she says and makes her way over to the cooler.
She's not even half way there when a guy comes over and starts talking to her.
Jacob smirks and, the next time Sam walks past, he sticks his foot out and trips him.
"Oops," he says, with false innocence. "Didn't see you there,"
He spends the rest of the night pranking Sam and Leah smiles at him when she leaves with some guy.
"You going to get under him?" he asks and Leah shakes her head.
"Nope, not that kind of girl," she admits and then smirks. "He's taking me home and we're going to get dinner tomorrow,"
Jacob is happy for her. He wonders if he should try dating.
He thinks of Bella smiling at him, and remembers what it felt like to have him next to him in bed.
He hits Sam in the head with his can and goes home.
….
She almost talked herself into visiting Jacob when her truck mysteriously wheezes its last wheeze, a few days after Edward asked if he was allowed to replace her truck after it passed on.
Bella finds herself stalled on the side of the road, on her way back from the supermarket. She looks through her contacts, but can't find anyone to call.
Charlie's at work. Edward left on a hunting trip with Emmet and Jasper. Alice is in Paris, picking up something for the wedding and she took Esme with her. Jessica is sick with the flu. Angela's visiting her college with Ben and Mike would spend the whole ride mooning over her.
Her finger hovers over Jacob's name briefly, before she throws her phone in her purse and gets out. She decides to walk home but after gives up after walking ten blocks in heels.
She flops on the grass, outside of candle store and takes off the blue high heels she was wearing. Her feet are swollen and her head is aching from the lack of sleep and she's exhausted. She's stressed out and edgy, and angry and…she misses her friend.
A warm tear rolls down her cheek. For the first time, she admits to herself that she made a mistake by agreeing to marry Edward. Her eyes become flooded with tears, and she cries her eyes out on in front of a discount candle store.
And that's how Rosalie finds her, half an hour later.
….
Jacob goes out on a dates with girls that Quil and Embry set him up with. He's polite. He holds the door open for them, smiles, listens to them, makes small talk, and pays for the meal…but it just doesn't feel right.
He tells himself that he has to at least try to move on. So he starts finding his own dates and spends less time at home, so he wouldn't give in to the temptation to mope.
But after a while, he starts to notice things about the girls he finds himself attracted to…. Bella like things.
One girl's hair is the same color as Bella's.
Another's eyes were sort of shaped the same as Bella's.
One's cheekbones cut across her face the same way as Bella's.
And this one, Kayla, has the same little crease between her eye, that Bella gets when she worried.
Jacob decides to give up on dating and apologizes as he walks her home.
"It's okay," she says, giving him a smile, and Jacob notices that she has Bella's lips.
He almost leans in to kiss her but he knows it wouldn't be right.
"Good night, Kayla," Jacob says and shakes her hand instead.
It's going to take some time…but he knows that he can do this.
He can't keep waiting for Bella. It's been three months, if she wanted to be with him then she wouldn't be marrying Edward.
….
"I don't think I want to marry Edward." Bella admits and Rosalie gives her a sympathetic look.
"Bella, I don't think you ever did."
Bella gives her confused look and Rosalie sighs.
"Bella, when you first moved here you were lonely. You had just moved to a new place and the mystery of Edward kept you distracted from your sadness. Then you became obsessed with him and you confused it for love. You both did. You got pulled in by Edward's looks and the excitement of loving someone dangerous,"
"I love Edward," Bella protested.
"You thought you loved him but whenever you felt sad or angry, or hurt, you never ran to him. When you smiled, you weren't smiling at Edward. When you slept, it wasn't Edward's name you were calling anymore. Edward could never be there for you emotionally because you won't let him. You don't trust Edward with your heart,"
"I trust Edward with my life," Bella said.
"Bella, there's a difference between trusting someone with your life and trusting someone with your heart because Bella, you've proven time and time again that your life means very little to you,"
"That's not true,"
"Isn't it? You willingly went alone with a vampire in the woods, ran off to go face a vampire by yourself, recklessly endangered yourself, jumped off a cliff, ran off to Italy to face a bunch off evil vampires hoping to die if you didn't succeed, you begged them to kill you instead of Edward, and, most importantly, you were willing to give up your humanity to be with a guy you had barely known a month,"
Bella is stunned into silence.
She never thought about it like that.
"Do you love Jacob?" Rosalie asks, after a moment.
"Yes," Bella mutters.
"Do you trust Jacob?"
"Yes,"
"Does he make you happy?"
"More than anyone,"
"Those are the most important things to consider in a relationship. So, what are you going to do?"
Bella stares at her engagement ring, wondering if Rosalie was right.
"I don't know," she says and Rosalie leaves her alone.
When Edward comes back with a new expensive car for her, a car she doesn't even know how to drive, Bella knows what she's going to do.
...
After another failed date, Jacob goes to the beach and sits in the place where he once told Bella the legend of the cold ones.
He sits on a log and stares into the ocean, watching the waves crash onto the beach. He wonders how life would be if he had kept his mouth shut.
"Hey, you okay? Hello? You there, Mr. Tall, dark, and brooding," It took a second to realize that someone's talking to him.
He looks up from the water and finds a beautiful girl staring at him, light red-gold hair, fair skin, a few gold-colored freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and nose, with eyes the color of cinnamon and her expression kind of anxious.
He stares at her, looking for something that will remind him of Bella. But he can't find anything.
"Are you lost?" She asks, smiling so that a dimple popped out of her chin.
Jacob freezes, his chest clenching slightly at the question as his eyes move from her to the ocean.
"Feels like it sometimes," He answers. "But no. I know exactly where I am,"
"I was just kidding but you look really upset about something. Oh, hey, I'm Lizzie," she holds out her hand, Jacob shakes it, after a moment of hesitation.
"Jacob," he says.
"Anyway…" she trails off, awkwardly, pulling her hand back, "I was wondering if I could help. Are you waiting for someone?" she asks.
"She's not here." Jacob states, "And she's probably not coming either,"
"Oh. Sorry,"
"Me too," I mutter.
"She doesn't deserve you, you know" Lizzie tells him after a moment of silence.
"You don't even know her,"
"I know that if she's not here with you then she's an idiot,"
He looks at the girl again, Lizzie. She was pretty. Nice enough to brooding strangers. Nice girl, pretty, sort of funny.
"Anyway, you shouldn't stand here moping," she states.
"What should I be doing then?" Jacob asks.
"I don't know," she shrugs. "But it's a beautiful night. It's a shame to waste it,"
"I guess I could go home and change the oil in my car," Jacob says, expecting her to roll her eyes and tell him that he shouldn't spend the night working on a car.
Instead, she raises an eyebrow.
"What kind of car do you have?"
"A 1986 Volkswagen rabbit," Jacob replies and she tilts her head.
"Oh a classic," she says, impressed, "Tell me about it."
Jacob never misses an opportunity to talk about his baby and Lizzie talk adds her own knowledge to the conversation.
Jacob sits back down on the log and Lizzie sits next to him as they talk.
...
"I'm sorry Edward."
"I just- I don't get it. We love each other."
"Not in the way we're supposed to."
"Bella, that's not true. We're meant to be together. You were born to love me and I became a vampire so that I could exist long enough to love you."
Bella sighs, knowing it's hard to explain why she's calling off the wedding. She no longer wanted to be Mrs. Cullen. She no longer wanted to be a vampire either.
"You need time to think. I can give you time, Love. We can push back the wedding. We can have a long engagement and go to college first, if you want. We can-"
"No Edward. I don't need time. I know what I want and I'm sorry but…I don't love you. Not in the way you want me to." Bella interrupts.
"But you are my life, Bella. We can't live without each other. Do you remember what happened last time we were apart? We were miserable."
Bella nods, tears filling in her eyes.
"I remember, but that was then. I didn't know that I could live without you, Edward and I wasn't willing to try. I'm not your life, Edward. You lived 117 years without me and you'll probably live 1000 more after I'm gone." Her voice is sharp and clear.
She's surprised by how strong she sounds and, from the look on his face, Edward is too.
"I don't want to live a thousand years without you, Bella."
"Edward, we've only been dating a year and a half. Don't you think maybe we're rushing things?"
"You can't rush love,"
"But we did. We barely knew each other a month before you were claiming that I was your life and I was willing to spend the rest of eternity with you. I'm young, Edward. You've lived a hundred years longer than I have and have more life experience than me. We have conflicting life views. You're old-fashioned. You believe in courting and saving yourself for marriage and I'm more modern. I don't believe in saving yourself for marriage. Honestly, I don't even believe in marriage!" Bella exclaims, in that same strong tone.
"So, this is because I won't have sex with you?"
"No, Edward. This isn't about sex! You don't really know anything about me. You fell for what you thought I was. You fell for what I made you believe I was. You can't read my mind, Edward. You don't know what I think about and that makes me a mystery."
"Is this because of Jacob?" Edward finally asks and Bella hesitates.
"It's not about Jacob. It's about trust. It's about my insecurities and how I never feel good enough for you. I never feel good about myself when I'm with you. It's about how you are always trying to tell me what to do and control me because you think you know what's best for me…when you don't. it's about how you watch me while I'm sleeping and make fun of the things I say while I'm dreaming. It's about how you left me and let me believe you didn't want me for Four Months! It's about how you lied to me about Victoria. It's about how I always end up having to choose between you and Charlie. It's about you taking the engine out of my truck so I couldn't see Jacob!" she was getting upset now.
She'd never realized how much anger she had buried under her love for him.
"It's about you asking Alice to kidnap me and you refusing to even consider sleeping with me! It's about the way you kiss me, like I'm going to break or something! It's about the way I have to lie for you or go along with the lies you tell people. It's about how you took all my things from my room and put them under my floorboards. It's about you tricking me into talking about our engagement when you knew Jacob was listening! It's about you following me to Angela's house and scaring me! It's about…it's about us and the problems we have with each other that we never deal with because we don't want to hurt the other person. It's about the way, I can't cry in front of you without feeling guilty. We just aren't right for each other,"
"So, this is it? You're leaving me," Edward asks.
"Yes," Bella says.
"No," Edward states, refusing to except it.
Bella and Edward argue with each other for the rest of the afternoon. They throw their worst at each other, every insult, every buried resentment, everything they ever hid from the other. They apologize, Bella cries, Edward punches holes in the walls and throws things. They kiss and hug. They yell and threaten. Edward throws up the Volturi and Bella almost gives in…but she's not going to let a group of evil vampires control her life.
By the time nightfall came, they both agree it's over. Edward takes back his ring and Bella gives him back the keys to the new car he brought her. Edward offers to let her keep it and Bella refuses.
"A clean break, right?" Bella says softly and Edward looks miserable.
"You finally realized you love him more, huh?" Edward asks and Bella smiles.
"It snuck up on me all those months ago and I just refused to admit it." She takes a deep breath. "I love him. I wish I didn't. This would all be so much easier if I didn't. But, I do. I love Jacob more."
Edward smiles sadly.
"Then I guess this really is goodbye,"
It hurts to see him hurting and a part of Bella wants to take it back but she bites her lip to keep from saying anything.
This is it. There is nothing more to say.
"Goodbye, Edward." she calls over her shoulder and Edward doesn't respond.
….
Lizzie, as it turns out, knows a lot about cars.
"My dad ran an auto shop back in Colorado and I used to help out after school," Lizzie explains. "Plus, cars are awesome!"
She's funny, laid back, intelligent, she knows about cars, and she's pretty. Not as beautiful as Bella but…
How often do you meet a nice girl who knows about cars?
Jacob can't help but smile and she grins her one-dimple smile, clearly pleased to have made me smile.
"Do you want to go for a ride?" he asks, before he has time to second guess himself.
"I'd love too,"
And for the first time in a long time, he doesn't think about Bella.