"Morning George."
"Good Morning Miss Lilly." The older man shuffled up the hallway with his mop. "Have a good day!"
"You, too!" Lilly called back and ran down the stairs and into the cafeteria. Greeting some early eaters, she walked up to the lieutenant's table, where Seth and Laura had already started their breakfast.
"Morning guys."
"Mhh," Seth grunted, not even looking up from the papers in front of him. Lilly didn't mind. Seth was a combination of 'Not a fucking morning person' and 'Master procrastinator always trying to finish his shit when it's almost too late'.
"Morning Lil."
"Morning Laura. What's for breakfast?"
"Eggs with deer jerky and those fresh cucumbers."
"We still have jerky?"
"Yeah, not much, though. Do you think you can go out again soon?"
"Sure. I can try. Gotta keep all you gluttonous savages well fed."
"Are we talking seven sins? Because we can totally contribute." Jax and Connor had come up behind Lilly to join them for breakfast.
"If y'all could wait with the dick talk until lunch, I'd appreciate it," Seth grumbled from his end of the table.
Lilly grinned before a wave of sadness hit her. Her thoughts had automatically strayed to Negan and how he would have loved to join in this particular kind of conversation. But their leader had been keeping his distance lately. Lilly should have been happy that he was making it easier for her to keep him off her mind. As it were, though, she missed him terribly.
She got herself a plate of food and joined her friends again, listening half-heartedly to their conversations. Her mind was in the penthouse and by the end of their meal she was angry with herself for being unable to keep Negan out of her head.
After breakfast, the group disbanded with Lilly and Jax migrating to a picnic table outside while everyone else started to get busy with their assigned jobs. Lilly sighed a breath of relief, from both the fresh air and the prospect of having a conversation with her closest friend.
"Day off?" Lilly asked. She and Jax sat down opposite each other on the benches.
"Yep. Gotta wait for Andrei to get back here so we can make another tour of the outposts."
"Good. I missed your stupid face."
"Aww. So much love in one morning, I can barely breathe."
"Everything good between you and Connor, then?"
"We actually talked about moving in together." Jax grinned and blushed. Lilly almost squealed. "He already spends all of his time at my place, so we thought… why hog a room someone else could use?"
"Hmm, yeah. Very practical," Lilly smirked. A seat cushion hit her square in the face.
"Enough about my love life. What about yours?"
Lilly placed the cushion on the table in front of her and laid her head on her arms. "You know I don't have one."
"Well that's not exactly true, is it? You could get some if you wanted to. I'm sure Andrei would be up for it."
"But I don't want to get some."
"You used to be way more relaxed about just fucking someone for fun."
"And when was that, Jax?" Lilly looked up scowling. "Remember when I used to be like that after Brian? Going out almost every night, getting shit-faced drunk. You even held an intervention."
"I'm not saying you should do that again. I just think you should have a bit of fun. Find a distraction. Stop all this moping."
"I'm not moping…"
"You were moping just ten minutes ago during breakfast. I know your moping face."
"You're a moping face."
They looked at each other for a moment and then chuckled.
"I suppose you have a point…"
"Thank you," he declared with a triumphant smile.
"The greenhouse project was a good distraction. Going hunting used to be great to get my mind off things, but being alone with my thoughts turned out to be quite counterproductive. I thought I was over the whole thing."
"Pretty sure Negan wouldn't appreciate you calling him a 'thing'."
"Keep your voice down!" she hissed and glanced around the courtyard.
"Oh come on, it's not like no one already knows about you and him."
"There is no 'me and him'. And Sherry and Valerie hate me enough as it is. I swear I'm going to burst into flames one of these days from the way they look at me. I just want things to calm down."
"Fuck them. What are they going to do? Throw their bras at you?"
Lilly giggled before getting serious again. "I know you like to ridicule them, but at least Sherry does have some kind of influence here. And I don't just mean over Negan, but Dwight, too."
"Well fuck Dwight, too. It's pathetic the way he stills hangs on her tit."
Lilly raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so you think he's moping?"
"That's different. Dude should have more self-respect."
"He still loves her, he can't help it. You can't just turn off your feelings for someone." She looked down and started fiddling with a loose string on the cushion.
Jax sighed. "It's just your luck that you fall in love with one of the most unavailable men. And in the fucking apocalypse, too." Lilly's eyebrows knit together. "What? You're gonna deny it?"
"Love is a bit of a strong word. Especially when it comes to him."
"Why? Because he's the King Dick Motherfucker around here? Is there some kind of rule I'm not aware of that you're not allowed to feel that way for him?"
"It's complicated."
"No, it's not. In fact, I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual."
She looked up at him. "Bullshit. He's happy with his wives."
"See, I know for a fact that this, at least, is not true. Apparently, Valerie has been bitching to Connor that Negan has been ignoring them all for quite some time now."
"Ugh, will you please stop participating in the stupid fucking gossip?"
"And I already told you that he has at least considered ditching them."
"Oh, you wanna talk about your little heart-to-heart with Negan in the garage again?"
"No thanks," he grimaced, "I'm still recovering from the last verbal castration. What I'm trying to tell you is, all signs point towards him having feelings for you."
"Elementary, my dear Watson! Why are you even championing Negan so much? A man with a harem, a potty mouth and a penchant for objectophilia. Wouldn't you want a nice, good man as a potential brother-in-law?"
"There are no more nice and good men, Lilly. At least with Negan I know that he'll keep you safe. Besides, who else would put up with your annoying ass?" He winked at her.
"Not him, apparently. He told me that he's done chasing me."
"And was that before or after he tried to kiss you?" Lilly sighed and kept fiddling with the cushion. Jax put his hand over hers. "Listen, you should go do something. All this sitting around in between runs, doing nothing but brooding… it's not good for you."
"Yeah…" She got up. "You're right. I'm gonna go patrol the fence for a while."
"I thought more along the lines of yoga, or reading a book, but… okay. Oh and come over to my place tonight. We'll have a drink, or two. Or three. Play some cards. I'll tell Laura and Seth, too."
"Okay," Lilly smiled, "Thank you, Jax."
"You know I'm always here for you, right? And if you need some more one-on-one time, just say the word. Connor won't mind if I kick him out for a couple of hours."
"I know. I'll see you later."
She ran upstairs to get her bow from her room and back down to start walking along the perimeter of Sanctuary. Lilly made sure to carefully examine every segment of the fence to look for holes. She watched the undead to see if any of them got free, or too decayed. At the greenhouses, she made a quick stop to look inside and talk to the gardening crew before resuming her walk.
When she was almost back at where she had started, she noticed that some of the barbed wire on top of the fence had become rusty. Lilly looked up and thought about telling Carson, to make sure it would be replaced, when she heard someone approaching. She glanced sideways and her heart beat faster. Apparently, the reason for her taking a walk around Sanctuary had had the same idea. She figured he would pass her without a word and she kept her eyes stubbornly on the fence, but he stopped next to her, his leather jacket brushing her arm. They stood like this for a while in silence.
"What the fuck are we looking at?"
"The fence. The barbed wire up there needs to be replaced."
"Oh… thought you'd seen a funny shaped cloud. Giant flying dick in the sky or something."
Lilly tried her best to keep it in, but it was no use. She snorted with laughter for what felt like the first time in weeks. When she had calmed down, she looked up at him and saw him smiling down at her. Their eyes met and his face changed to an almost sad look. Lilly turned her head back to the fence. The walkers on the other side had become active at the noise she had made. She watched them squirm and groan when she felt his hand slip into hers. Their fingers intertwined. His thumb stroked over her skin. Lilly kept her eyes on the undead, a lump forming in her throat and she let go of him to take a step back.
"I uhm… I gotta go find Carson. Tell him about the fence."
"Sure. Yeah. I'll see you around."
She gave him another half-smile and walked around the corner to go back inside through the side entrance. Her path was blocked by someone.
"Oh sorry, didn't see you there Sherry." The other woman merely looked at her, her face unreadable. "Uhhh… do you mind? I gotta go find Carson."
Sherry's face split into a radiant smile. It made Lilly uneasy, but at least Sherry stepped to the side to let her pass.
"Of course. Have a nice day, Lilly."
"Yeah. You too." Lilly frowned. She walked up the hallway and turned around again before rounding the corner that led to the cafeteria. Sherry was still watching her. Lilly shrugged and continued her search for Carson.
That night in Jax's room, Lilly successfully shut up the thoughts in her head with the help of her friends and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
"You know what you guys? I wanna thank you all for not making me feel like a fifth wheel. You're all pretty awesome." Lilly's words were already a little slurred, but she got her message across. Even Seth broke out into an exaggerated "Awwwww."
"You gotta bring a date next time, Lil," Connor called over from the table where he, Jax and Seth were playing poker, "We could do some couple's shit, like brunch or a wine tasting."
"Or rent a cabin and do karaoke," Seth added sarcastically.
"How about a big orgy? I mean, our options are kinda limited nowadays." Lilly laughed at the shocked faces that came with her suggestion.
"I think you've been spending a little too much time with our leader." Connor wiggled his eyebrows over his glass of whiskey.
"No, she hasn't. Shut up Connor!" Laura was always very protective of Lilly. They put their heads back together to continue their whispered conversation on Jax's bed.
"It all comes down to the wives, doesn't it? I mean, you'd be game if it wasn't for them, right?"
"At this point? Fuck yeah. And you know what, and I really need you to keep this between the two of us…"
"Of course, Lil."
"...but I'm drunk enough tonight to just get it over with and fuck him. Just… walk into his room and climb that big, muscly, hard…"
"Okay, okay, I got the message…" Laura interrupted her with a look of thinly veiled disgust.
"What? You can't deny he's attractive."
"Not really my type. I mean… he's got an OK face, I guess. Needs some tattoos, though."
"On his face?"
Laura giggled, a sound that stood in stark contrast to her tough looks. "You're too drunk, Lil."
"No, I'm not!"
"You're right. Here, have some more." She poured Lilly another glass. "I know you're talking out of your ass, by the way. If you just wanted to fuck him, you would have done so ages ago."
"Let me keep lying to myself, okay? That way it's easier to lie to others, too. Including him."
"You know what, though… if he's not willing to get rid of those bitches, he's not worth your time."
"Don't call them that." Lilly frowned into her drink. "By the way, I ran into Sherry today. She was acting so weird."
"Isn't that kind of her default? On no, wait, default is bitchy. Can you believe that she went into the kitchen this week and demanded they add more meat to the wives' plates from now on?"
"Oh shit, that reminds me… I gotta go hunting tomorrow." Lilly climbed off the bed to the protests of everyone in the room. "Hey, you can either have drunk and tired me for a couple more hours, or some juicy meat tomorrow night…"
"I know I'm already gonna get some juicy meat tonight," Jax piped up and grinned at Connor.
"Aaaaand, that's my cue. See you guys tomorrow." Lilly bade them all goodnight and staggered to her room, congratulating herself on not getting lost in the courtyard, or in the many halls of the Sanctuary.
Grateful for the numbing buzz the whiskey had caused, she quickly got into bed to take advantage of the drunken tiredness and hopefully get a couple of hours of sleep.
It was still the middle of the night when she woke up again. Her first thought was that she had had a nightmare. Her heart was racing and cold sweat broke out on her entire body.
Lilly opened her eyes with her mind wide awake and her body trying to catch up as fast as it could. Her stomach felt like she had just downed a glass of ice cold water. Looking around frantically, she slipped her hand underneath her pillow to reach for her knife. All she found were the wrinkles in her sheets. A shadow slipped into her periphery and suddenly, someone was on top of her and Lilly hissed from the sharp pain on her neck. She immediately calmed the violent movements that had been her first instinctual reaction.
"That's right bitch, you better calm the fuck down before I slit your throat," a woman's voice snarled.
Lilly tried to adjust her eyes to the darkness by concentrating on the lighter spots on her attacker's form. Lots of exposed skin, long hair. The legs straddling Lilly were naked. She heard the sound of leather creaking with every one of the woman's breaths. A wife? But not Sherry, nor Amber.
"Listen, I don't have anything of value. I don't know who you are. Please, just let me go and leave. No one will know about this."
"Oh, but you've got something of value. Your pretty face. Once it's gone, he won't look at you again."
The pain left Lilly's neck and went to her cheek right next to her ear. Her left hand shot up and slapped the intruder's arm out of the way, while her right fist sunk into her stomach. The woman's body doubled over. She used the moment to fumble for the knife, barely registering slicing her palm open when she tried to pry open the hand holding the weapon. Lilly threw another punch into the darkness, not even knowing where it went. A grunt of pain and the woman's fingers opened just enough for Lilly to pull out the knife. She stabbed the blade into a patch of pale skin. A scream of pain and Lilly threw off her attacker. She scrambled over her bed to her nightstand and switched the camping light on.
Valerie was lying on the crumpled, bloody mess that was Lilly's bed, holding her right shoulder. She was wailing and cursing.
"You killed me you fucking bitch," Valerie cried and looked up at Lilly.
"Calm down, you're not dying." But Lilly felt the first prickling stabs of panic travelling up her spine. The realization of what had just happened hit her with full force, now that the immediate threat to her life was gone. She heard the door behind her fly open and spun around, knife at the ready.
"Holy shit! What happened?" Laura stared wide-eyed at the scene before her.
"Lilly tried to kill me. She stabbed me," Valerie whimpered from the bed.
"You tried to mutilate my face. You attacked me," Lilly yelled.
"Give me the knife, Lil. Let's just calm down, okay?" Laura held out her hand and Lilly handed over her knife. Behind Laura, Dwight and Seth burst into the room, their sleepy faces contorting in shock when they saw the scene in and around Lilly's bed.
"Oh shit…"
"What the fuck?"
"We heard screaming. Shit Lil, you're bleeding."
Lilly didn't even register who was talking. She sat down between her bed and her nightstand, her back to the wall, her knees pulled up to her chest, her face in her hands.
"Laura, stay with her. I'll take Val to Fisher."
"And I'll go get Negan."
The room went silent. Lilly heard a cupboard door opening and closing and then someone sat down in front of her. Gentle fingers tried to pry away her hands from her face.
"Come on Lilly. Let me have a look at you." Laura rummaged in the first aid kit and came back with some gauze and a bottle of iodine. Lilly stared at her palms. Blood was seeping out from the cut on her left hand. Her whole body started to shake violently.
"I didn't want to hurt her. She tried to cut my face. I didn't…"
"Okay. It's okay Lilly. Looks like she didn't just try." Laura dabbed the gauze on the wound right next to Lilly's ear. The resulting burning was a welcomed sensation. "Those cuts look nasty. I think you need stitches."
Lilly looked up at Laura. Her face was pale and full of concern.
"What's going to happen now?"
"I don't know, Lil. We have to wait for Negan. For what it's worth, I believe you. I know you would never hurt anyone just out of nowhere." Laura continued cleaning Lilly's wounds. She wrapped a bandage around Lilly's hand, but she couldn't do anything for the cut on her face for now.
Laura had just put a blanket around Lilly, when they heard heavy footsteps barreling up the hallway. Lilly couldn't bring herself to look up when they stopped in her doorway. She was back to watching her palms and the dark red spot blossoming on the white bandage.
"Valerie attacked her. She was just defending herself."
"Get the fuck out Laura."
"But…"
A moment of silence. A different, lighter set of footsteps leaving the room and closing the door. A heavy sigh and then the sound of someone sitting down on the bed next to where Lilly was crouching.
"Will she be okay?" Lilly whispered and started dabbing her index finger into the red spot on her bandage. A large hand closed around hers to keep her from messing with her wound.
"She'll live." The hand pulled away again. "I need you to tell me exactly what happened in here. Every tiny fucking detail."
"I woke up because someone was in my room," Lilly started, her voice hollow in her own ears. "I went for my knife. I had forgotten that I had lost it. Then she was on top of me. Held a knife to my throat. It's mine, isn't it? The knife?" Lilly looked up for the first time. Negan held her knife in his hand. It was coated in blood, both hers and and Valerie's. Her eyes found Negan's. His brows were furrowed, but he kept silent, waiting for her to continue. Lilly looked back down at her knees. "I told her to just leave. That no one would find out. She started to cut my face. Said she'd take it away so he… you... wouldn't look at me anymore." She glanced back at Negan. He rested his elbow on his leg and pinched his nose. "I punched her. Was able to take the knife from her. I just wanted to get away from her. I didn't… I stabbed her, but I didn't want to kill her."
Lilly fell silent. She waited for Negan to say something. When she heard nothing for a while, she looked back up at him. He sat motionless with his head hung low, staring at the knife in his hands.
"Negan…"
"You hurt a wife, Lilly." He still didn't move.
"I didn't mean to…"
"But you did."
"I was defending myself." Lilly couldn't believe that she had to justify her actions. The numbness she had felt since Laura had showed up dissipated to be replaced by anger and confusion.
"That's not the story she's telling." He started to twirl the butterfly knife. Open. Close. Open. Close. "She says she found your knife and wanted to give it back to you. Says you attacked her out of nowhere."
"She wanted to give me my knife back?" Lilly jumped up to stand over Negan. "At three o'clock in the fucking morning?"
"That's what she's saying."
"Look at me Negan!" He slowly raised his head as if it took him a huge effort to do so. When his eyes fell on the cut on her neck and then the one still bleeding on the side of her face, he grimaced. "You believe her?"
"It's not about who I believe, Lil. You stabbed one of my wives. You know the fucking rules. You know what happens to those who touch them."
A wave of panic washed over Lilly. "You can't be serious. Negan, she attacked me."
"It doesn't fucking matter." He got up and walked to the window, his back to her. "When they agree to become my wife, I make a fucking promise to protect them. And you all know that no one is allowed to lay a hand on them whether it is to fuck them, or to hurt them. Those are the fucking rules, Lilly."
"Negan, please..."
"You want me to make a fucking exception for you? Tell my men that the rules don't apply to you? Wanna explain to Dwight why he gets punished and you don't?"
"So now what? You're going to finish what Valerie started and destroy my face with your iron?"
He sighed and hung his head again. Lilly wished that he would turn around. She was trapped in a nightmare and she knew if he would just look at her, see what Valerie did to her, he would come to his senses and she could wake up.
"I ca… I won't hurt you. But you need to go."
"No! No, Negan, please, don't do that to me." Her eyes filled with tears.
You need to go, Lilly. I don't ever want to see you in Alexandria again.
"You can't stay at Sanctuary. You will go to an outpost."
"Please Negan! This is my home."
Alexandria is my home, Rick.
Not anymore.
"Not anymore, Lilly. You have until morning to pack up your shit, but you're not allowed to leave this room. I'll send Fisher to look at those cuts." He walked to the door while Lilly collapsed onto her bed, sobbing. Negan stopped in the doorway for a moment, his hand on the wall. He turned his head a little as if he wanted to look at her and say something. A moment later, he was gone.