Tell Her This

Author Note: I had a reader ask how Tara said Jac's name, it is 'Jack'. I had tossed around using a more feminine version of Jax's name. Jaclyn didn't sit well with me because when the story was playing out in my head I couldn't hear her adding the "ie". I envisioned Tara feeling that once she had left that she would not end up back in Charming so she would give the baby a name that would keep that tie to Jax with her.

Tell her not to go. I ain't holding on no more. Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time.

The weekend went well. Opie was right, Jac and Ellie clearly had bonded. I also hadn't heard anything further from Josh. Maybe he was just here on business and was leaving me alone. Jax showed up at the house after Jac and I left the fireworks display. Jac was so exhausted from being with Ellie and staying up to watch the band play and the fireworks that she crashed by the time we got home. Jax was sitting on the stoop when I pulled into the driveway. He seemed like something was bothering him.

"Hey." I said as I opened the car door.

"Hey." He responded as he hopped up and started toward the car.

"I hate to disappoint you, but your girl totally crashed out on the way home from the fireworks at your mom's event. " I had figured he was looking to spend some time with Grace since he hadn't been able to during the Taste of Charming event.

"That's okay darlin', and she is our girl besides why can't I be here to see her mom?" He said it with some conviction. It was a nice thought. That he wanted to see me. But it was thoughts like that which caused the whole teenage debacle resulting in the little girl that Jax was now carrying into the house.

Jac groaned a little as Jax shifted her in his arms. "Is that you? You didn't say hi today."

"Hey darlin'." Jax smiled at her though she had barely opened an eye.

"You call mom darlin' too. Is that cause you like her?" She sounded so much like the child she truly was, I hated when she felt the need to be more grown up because of all that we had been through together on our own.

Tell her not to cry. I just got scared, that's all. Tell her I'll be by her side, all she had to do is call.

He carried her to her room and was setting on her bed as I pulled back the covers for her. "Yeah, I like her kiddo. I always have. " He responded to her, as he pulled the blanket up and around her.

"Love you dad." She said at just above a whisper. Jax froze where he was mid tuck and I was awestruck. It was the first time she had called him anything other than Jax and to put the L word on top of it. I waited for the freak out moment that happens with guys when a girl tells them that they love them and they don't feel the same, or even if they do not knowing how to handle such a major statement. But I wasn't prepared for his response.

"I love you too Jackson Grace." And then he leaned over and placed a kiss on her head. She sighed as she fell deeper into a relaxed sleep with a small smile on her face. I had moved toward the door during the course of the events that had unfolded in the room and Jax turned to look at me.

"It's all that darlin', sweet talk. You charmed her. Poor kid never stood a chance against you Jackson Teller." I figured keeping it light was the best. He shrugged but there was something in his eyes that told me her statement meant more than he was letting on. He started toward the door so I turned to walk out ahead of him, but as I did he grabbed my hand and pulled me to turn and face him.

"What about you?" He asked, there it was in his eyes again.

"What about me?" I asked. What was he looking for me to say?

"What's it take to charm you?" He asked with that half grin that used to make we weak in the knees as a teenager. It still did, but I couldn't afford to go there with him now. Not with Grace. I wouldn't put her through the damage that happens when relationships fall apart. Especially now that it seemed like the two of them were developing an honest father-daughter bond.

"I'm not charm-able any more. Too much time with a Teller has caused me to develop a tough skin to avoid caving. " I needed to get space between us, because I was too conscious of him. He smirked again.

"Yeah, she does have that charm too huh? I noticed it with the guys. Chibs and Half Sack think she is pretty amazing. Even Tig caters to her when she is around. I seem to recall a time when you didn't use to be quite so immune. " He looked me in the eye and gave that smirk that made me go a little off balance.

Tell her the chips are down. I drank too much and shouted it aloud. Tell her something in my heart, needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd.

I had to coach myself mentally to get it together. Change the subject, change the subject. "So did you get to see Abel at all today? He seems to be doing much better. Wendy too. She should be headed to the rehab facility in the morning." I looked away from him to avoid his eyes. He wasn't buying however, stepping closer to me.

"You are a bad liar, you know that right? It is written all over you." Jax said leaning in so close to my ear that I could feel his warm breath. And when I felt my resolve start to fade, could feel my breathing quicken and my arms wanting to go against my brain's will, that is when Jax stepped back and let go of my wrist and hand where he had been holding me. I looked into his eyes and saw looming there something not mischievous like his statements had sounded. It wasn't lust like when we were children, it was more than that. It frightened me and turned me on at the same time. It reminded me that he wasn't some teenage boy, he was a man who had learned to use what he had to get what he wanted. It told me I was screwed if I wasn't careful. I blinked and then it was gone.

"Come on friend, you gave me the 15 minute down and dirty on things from when you were gone. I could use some mental distraction after my evening." He turned me to walk down the hallway and to the living room. The way he said friend made me think he was going through the same battle I was. It wasn't a sincere title, but it was going to be the best we could do at this time.

"Alright. You want something to drink while we have this little 'what have you been up to' talk, friend?" I asked separating from him to head to the kitchen while he flopped on the couch taking up the whole thing.

"Yeah, I could use one. But I will take whatever you have instead." He sounded like something was on his mind. I wondered if it was what he had been worrying about when we first pulled up while he was sitting on the stoop. I grabbed two beers from the fridge, I had picked them up after the first time Jax had come for an impromptu dinner with Jac and I. I handed him a bottle and headed to sit on one of the chairs I had arranged in the room. One of the benefits to my stressing about Josh being around had been my in ability to sleep much so I had gotten a lot of cleaning done.

"Here. You want to talk about it? It is pretty clear that something is on your mind. And you are a bad liar too, so don't bother trying any of that 'I don't know what you are talking about darlin' stuff with me. I know you Jackson Teller, ten years doesn't change that." I said sitting down.

Tell her what was wrong. I sometimes think too much. But say nothing at all. Tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall.

"You really gonna ask me to talk about the shit in my head like a shrink but sit that far away? Good thing you are a surgeon and not a psychologist doc." He joked as he shifted and took a sip of his beer. I got up and moved to the spot on the opposite side of the couch tucking my feet underneath me. He smirked at me, pleased that he had gotten his way.

"Alright Teller, spill it." I drank down the beer while waiting for him.

"It's nothing really. Just some guy that was at mom's event today. He was at the hospital when I was with the kid. I was reading," He paused because I choked on my beer, I knew he meant Josh, but I didn't realize he had actually approached Jax, "Are you laughing at the fact that I was reading to him?"

I shook my head. "No, not at all. So what was with the guy?"

"He was watching me. I got up and went out to where he was and asked if I could help him. He commented on Abel being a beautiful boy and then just walked away when I thanked him. It was weird and then I saw him at A Taste of Charming and mom commented that he was a Fed. I guess Unser has seen him around the department, David Hale's new best friend. He's here to look into the club. He's digging up dirt that ain't there. I don't know. Since Abel was born my world has gone sideways. Then factor in you and Jackson Grace, and things that used to matter seem to be less important. Jesus, I sound like my old man." He took a swig of his beer.

"Jax, you know as your friend I'm here for you. As a member of Abel's medical team I can have security on alert. And you are a father now, so I mean it changes things. In ways you can't ever plan for. Trust me. " I felt the need to protect them both from Josh. Part of me knew telling him right now was going to push him over the edge. I also knew that I was going to have to tell him, and soon.

Jax sat up and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "You remember that night when we were kids. You said you were still here, that you had never left me."

"Yeah, I seem to recall you told me you planned to marry me too." I snarked back at him. He was still playing with a strand of my hair. I found myself worrying about where his mind was.

"I never went back on that, I still have a life time to follow through on it. You on the other hand did leave." That look was back in his eyes.

"Where is this coming from Jax?"

"I told you, my world has gone sideways. There is only one other time I felt this lost over things." He went from playing with the strand of hair to resting his palm on my cheek. Unconsciously I leaned into his touch.

Tell her not to go. I ain't holding on no more. Tell her nothing if not this: all I want to do is kiss her.

"Friends remember Jax. I didn't come here to force a family on you. Or to rekindle what we had when we were kids. Because quite simply Jackson Teller, we aren't the same people were back then. " I was trying not to get annoyed.

"Okay doc. Whatever you say. I think you should however know that I'd still marry you like I planned all those years ago. You are the only one who ever truly got me. " His demeanor changed. The intensity was gone and back was the playful guy that was my friend. He finished his beer and stood up pulling me up with him.

I hugged him good bye as he left, walking off into the distance. I watched until he was halfway down the street, I couldn't see him anymore and as I started to back into the house I was sure I saw another figure standing on the opposite side of the street. I couldn't make it out exact, but I was sure it was Josh. I backed into the house and closed and locked the door. I checked the back door, and the door that led to the garage to make sure that both were locked up as well. As I made my rounds with in the house I checked all the windows as well.

I went into the room that was mine now, and straight to the closet. Reaching for the shoebox on the top shelf that dad always assumed I didn't know was there. Opening it I found the revolver that Jax taught me to shoot when we were teenagers. I had found it in a drawer and after mentioning it to him, Jax got concerned for my safety. What if something happened with my dad, or people he possibly owed money to, or got into fights with at the bar. Jax felt it was better that I be aware and able to protect myself when he wasn't around. I was thankful for it now. Pulling the gun and checking to see if it was loaded . I carried it gently to the bed and sat down. I didn't want it out for Jac to find but I needed it somewhere I could get to it. I set it in the drawer of the night stand. And prayed I wouldn't need it. Come the morning I would have to tell Jax, there was no getting around it now. He was forcing my hand.

Walking away from Tara's house was almost too much. I was tempted to turn around. Friends. Jesus I couldn't be her friend. She was the mother of my child, she was the one I had wanted to marry not Wendy. She had been my everything, and deep down she still was. She had saved my newborn son and looked after him almost daily since he was born. She let me do things at my pace with Jackson Grace, who much like her mother had taken up residency in my heart without bothering to ask how I had felt about it. And it was too late, I loved her. She was an amazing kid. The majority of the time at the Taste of Charming event I had kept an eye on my girls. Tara had been deep in conversation with Donna, something she needed, and Jackson Grace had been deep in conversation with Ellie. Opie thought it was funny that things seemed to be going full circle, a Teller and a Winston glued at the hip.

I wasn't kidding when I told her I'd still marry her. While I walked I noticed him, that AFT agent. I had avoided riding my bike here only because after dealing with club shit I needed to clear my head. Usually a long ride would do it, but tonight I needed to see Tara. And when Jackson Grace told me she loved me and called me dad, it was like my world completely shifted. Suddenly dealing with Clay's gun crisis seemed so unimportant. What was important was there in the Knowles house. I wanted to walk right up to the ATF agent and tell him to back off, not to follow me to the home of someone who didn't have a part in the club. But then I thought about it, there was nothing indicating that I had been there, and he wasn't there when I first arrived and was waiting for them, so when did he get here and how did he know I was there?

I felt a sudden need to protect Tara and Jackson Grace, as much as Abel they were my family.

Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time.