Oh My White Butterfly!
By Uchiha Xairylle

Chapter Fourteen : Compracepcive!

Ichigo and Isshin had ruined dinner. That was for sure. The food was all wasted and Rukia spent quite some time crying over the sushi she had been eating Byakuya did not partake in any of the father-and-son barbaric bickering because he had no intention of ruining his hair. Karin could no longer count how many times Yuzu bowed in apology to Byakuya and Rukia who kept on telling her it was all right. It was at this point that Rukia could not take it anymore and pulled Ichigo out of the strangling he had been doing and told him to stay put. The Shiro Chou was most amused and it fluttered around in excitement, finding the wild things that were happening to be actually interesting than frightening.

But it was too early to let the guests go home. At least that was what Isshin thought. As for Ichigo, he was just ready to call it a night. Yuzu brought up that she knew of a store that could bring them various things and that it would be delivered for them. Isshin thought this was a splendid idea and Byakuya simply agreed for the heck. Ichigo just wanted to hang himself.

Isshin ushered everyone to the living room to have a "small chat". Ichigo cursed. There was no such thing as a "small chat" when his father was involved.

"What is wrong with asking your girlfriend if you talked about marriage?" Isshin insisted as he sat down. Ichigo took the couch and between him and Byakuya was Rukia who was determined to insulate whatever flying sparks to occur between Ichigo and her brother. She ceremoniously put her hands on her lap as the butterfly perched on her head.

"Because!" Ichigo complained in half a sigh.
"Why have you honestly no intention?" Byakuya spoke but only his eyes moved.
"See? Even her brother agrees with me!"

Were Byakuya and Isshin in this together? Was Byakuya hell-bent on making a torture chamber out of his own house and family? Karin contented her self with shaking her head as she sat quietly on the floor and read magazines.

"I'm only… turning sixteen…" Ichigo muttered, "…Niisama."
"Are you god damn impotent, boy?" Isshin tapped his leg.
"AM NOT!" Ichigo swiftly aimed a punch at his father and Rukia pulled his arm back.

Okay, this was hard. How was Ichigo supposed to tell Byakuya that he was very much interested in marrying his sister and taking care of their little family without leaving any traces for his father to linger on or make a fuss about? If anyone had a deeper, more complicated situation than him at the moment, Ichigo was willing to listen if it meant he could consider himself a tad bit "lucky".

"W-well…" Rukia began in her innocent high-school voice, "I-Ichigo and I talk about these… things… well, rather… randomly… spontaneously…"

Ichigo's eyes widened at Rukia and she widened her eyes back at him. The Shiro Chou opened and closed its wings and Ichigo leaned back heavily.

"Spontaneously?" Byakuya raised an eyebrow.
"You mean you have intentions?" Isshin was beaming, "Tell me, Rukia-chan! Would you lie to your Daddy?"
"A-a-ano…" Rukia smiled wanly and looked at Ichigo who then refused to lend her any back up.

You've made your bed now lie in it, Rukia.

"Well, you see…" Rukia heavily stepped on Ichigo's foot and Ichigo squirmed, clutching onto the couch as he twisted, stopping himself from shouting. With teary pained eyes, he looked at Rukia and she smiled at him.

Witch.

"You see…" Ichigo continued, "It's too early for anything but we… will… see… what happens."
"Why are we talking about marriage all of a sudden?" Rukia smiled sweetly.
"Yeah, and by the way, Niisama…" Ichigo rested his head on his hand as he looked at Byakuya, "Is that a new ride you've got there?"

Ichigo was determined to have the conversation make a quick turn away from him, Rukia, marriage and grandchildren. Byakuya said he had "bought" it only a few days ago and that his family had different types of businesses, that their home was located far (far, far, far and really, really far) from Karakura but they were staying in the little town for a while until they fix business-related matters. Just how fabricated was that?

The horrible part was when Isshin wanted to show the visitors his baby pictures and it was at that point that Ichigo grabbed the album and used it to slap his father before hiding it for good. Isshin then declared that he had predicted that Ichigo would do such a thing and that the album Ichigo hid was a fake and that the real one was in his hand.

His father really went to so much trouble to humiliate him, didn't he?

No mater. Ichigo simply grappled his father for the album and it was sent flying and caught by the Kuchiki Captain.

Oh, shit!

Rukia inched towards her brother who now proceeded to open the album, much to Ichigo's horror. Rukia blinked and gasped and then later giggled as a disappointed Ichigo sat beside her in defeat. He was pouting as the butterfly perched on his forehead and Rukia continuously laughed beside her solid-faced older brother who continually turned the thick pages like a possessed robot.

"Ne, Ichigo…" Rukia tugged at his sleeve and only his eyes moved to look at her. She was pointing at the album as she smiled softly, "Is this your mother?"

Ichigo stopped and looked.

"Yeah." He said and was about to lunge into a half-angst state when Isshin ran off and returned with Masaki's picture.
"Where is she?" Byakuya asked. Ichigo did not answer as Rukia looked at him
"She's dead, Niisama." Rukia replied.
"I see. I am sorry to ask something so painful to answer, Ichigo."
"Aa." Ichigo nodded.

"Ichi-nii was a mama's boy." Karin was saying now as she looked up from the magazine she was reading, "So he better not get a daughter or she's going to be a daddy's girl."

"Ichigo, you must not end up spoiling your children!" Isshin was waving a finger at him, "Or else you end up ruining their future!"
"I don't see you making a good future out of my present." Ichigo frowned as he fixed his collar.

Isshin dramatically placed two hands on his son's shoulders and said, "Everything I say and do right now is for your own good, boy."

Ichigo then raised an eyebrow before his father turned to Byakuya and asked, "Is it okay if I teach them about you-know-what?"

"I know… I know what?" Byakuya raised an eyebrow. Isshin looked at Ichigo and then at Rukia and then hurried to Byakuya's side and whispered something. Ichigo would give nearly anything for him to find out what kind of humiliating thing his father was telling Byakuya. The noble was not even blinking and Isshin straightened with a triumphant smile. Byakuya rubbed his chin and looked at Ichigo's dad and said, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Whaaaat!" Isshin exclaimed with large gasps as he backed away from Byakuya and onto the wall, "Your parents didn't tell you?"

Byakuya shook his head.

"Your parents seriously didn't tell you?"

Byakuya did not respond.

"Oh, my god! I'm going to end up lecturing three people!" Isshin pulled on his hair and Ichigo's eyes widened.
"I'll be in the kitchen before it turns to four people." Karin picked up three more magazines and left.

DING-DONG!

"The delivery's here!" Yuzu said as she and Karin, who was supposed to go to the kitchen, headed for the door.
"As I was saying, let me teach you how to use contrace—"

"Good evening, minna-san!" a cheerful male voice entered like a chime and all eyes turned to the door where a "young and sexy shop keeper" wearing a striped green and white hat stood.

That doorbell and voice was both salvation and hell.

"Well, good evening to you, too!" Isshin smiled, "Who may you be?"

"I am Urahara Kisuke, owner and manager of Urahara Store! Pleased to meet you!" Urahara bowed, "Judging by the charming smile of yours, you must be Yuzu-chan's father?"

"Yes, yes!" Isshin now walked towards the door, "Come in! Come in!"

Oh, wow. More visitors. Ichigo sank to the sofa as Urahara and his father got acquainted. What a wonderful evening this was! Urahara sure had his own way regarding things and customers? Since when was a bearded grin a "charming smile"? Either Urahara was flattering his dad or he had horribly bad taste.

"Ichigo, what's he doing here?" Rukia whispered as she ducked.
"Do I look like I know?" Ichigo was continuing to slouch back into the sofa if it would help him lose consciousness now.

"I buy appetizers for them and I get a lot for only 500 yen!" Yuzu was saying now.

"Ah, yes, we always try hard to satisfy our customers, don't we, Jinta?" Urahara looked behind him and a red-haired boy with a red face popped out and handed Yuzu the food she ordered.

"Here, take it, you midget and don't call in the middle of the night!" Jinta frantically placed everything in front of her.

Ichigo's ears perked up and he would've thrown the lamp at Jinta had Karin not been faster in kicking the boy in the face.

"YOU!" Jinta pointed at Karin as he got up.
"Yes, ME!" Karin threatened to kick him again, "What did you call Yuzu!"
"Hey, you, brat, don't call Yuzu a midget!" Ichigo yelled as he looked from the sofa.
"Why do you call me a midget?" Rukia complained.
"You're not my sister, midget."
"Well then, she's my sister, if it will get you to answer the question." Byakuya told Ichigo as he crossed his legs.
"Sorry, I didn't hear you quite well, Niisama."

"Oh, hello, Ururu. Good evening!" Yuzu waved.
"Good evening!" Ururu bowed, "Would you like me to help you with those?"

"Yes, please, if it's okay." Yuzu smiled and the two girls headed towards the kitchen. Jinta stomped off to Ururu's direction and Karin kicked him in the face, sternly telling him that she wasn't through beating the crap out of him so they better settle everything outside.

"You wish! I'm not beating up a girl in a dress!" Jinta mocked.

"Karin, get dressed and make him cry for his mother." Ichigo waved and his sister snickered before dashing into her room to change as her voice trailed off, "Don't you dare run away!"

"I'll be right here, you prick!" Jinta yelled, "And I'm going to make you cry for my mother!"

"My, my, aren't the kids energetic!" Urahara waved his fan as he watched Jinta sit outside and wait for Karin.
"Yes, definitely. Would you care to join us Urahara-san?" Isshin offered, "After all, you've actually been nice to my daughter."
"Why thank you, Kurosaki-san!"

Great. Ichigo grumbled. If he hadn't known better, he'd say Urahara and Isshin knew each other but since his father didn't look like he could even spell Zanpakutou, Ichigo immediately dismissed the thought. Urahara walked towards them and handed them each juice cans. Ichigo immediately popped the can open to drown his frustrations.

"I was just about to teach them about contraceptives." Isshin said.

There goes the juice.

Ichigo immediately spat out what was in his mouth as Rukia gasped. He wiped his lips as he got up from his seat and yelled, "You were what?"

Rukia had now lost interest in the juice and simply put it on the center table.

The Shiro Chou opened and closed its wings.

What's a compracepcive, otousan?

"I'll tell you when you're older, Ken'ichi!" Ichigo exclaimed before he and Rukia gasped.

"Who's Ken'ichi?" Isshin blinked at his son.

"I… Uh…" Ichigo looked shiftily away from his father and most especially from Urahara who was giving him the "Way-to-go" smile behind his fan.

"Well, Ken'ichi was what he was planning to name our son…" Rukia said whatever it was that came into her head first and it was her turn to receive the "Way-to-go" grin from Urahara before she added, "…If we ever had one."

"And… that was… what I'd say if he asked me to… discuss… contraceptives." Ichigo was now sweating as he sat up beside Rukia and he looked at her as if to ask, "What was that about?"

And she looked back at him as if to say, "What was I to do?"

What's a compracepcive, okasan?

Ichigo cringed. His son was getting more and more talkative as time went by. He was forgetting it was a child's soul and felt like he was already a child!

Compracepcive!

"I really would not like my son to be so noisy." Ichigo said. The butterfly flew to Rukia's shoulder away from Ichigo and closed its wings, as if pouting.

"You already have a name planned for a son?" Isshin was streaming tears again and clasped Rukia's and Ichigo's hands between his, "So you have plans on having children, don't you?"

"I-it was just…" Rukia began.
"Tell me, what will you name your daughter?"
"Well, now that you've asked…" Rukia looked up thoughtfully.

"We're going to have a son." Ichigo said.
"No, daughter." Rukia shot back and leaned towards him.
"I said son." Ichigo leaned towards her.
"And I said daughter!"

CLICK!

Another camera flash.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOkayLet'sStopFightingNow!" Ichigo's hands immediately went around Rukia's shoulders and impulsively pulled her towards him to overshadow the fact that his fingers held fast to the panicking Shiro Chou's wings. Rukia's eyes were wide but she held her breath as she looked at the white butterfly trying to flutter away — again.

"First fight and first hug and first make-up inside the house!" Isshin screamed in happiness and took another picture. Byakuya was looking at the butterfly Ichigo was holding since he knew so well that if that little thing left its parents' side again, it would attract Menos yet again.

"You are lucky to have these moments caught, Kurosaki-san." Urahara chuckled.

"Stop it with the flash already!" Ichigo swatted the camera away as he released Rukia and the butterfly that had calmed down.

"I love the both of you!" Isshin lunged at Ichigo and Rukia. His arms were spread and Byakuya made sure he had leaned away and into the sofa and scooted far enough so as not to be included in the weird group hug Ichigo's dad was going to do.

"You've me so proud! I'm going to expect grandchildren from now on!" Isshin rubbed his cheek against Rukia and Ichigo and the butterfly flew around them.

"A… Ara… O-otousan…?" Rukia shuddered upon feeling the hairs on Isshin's face against her skin.
"Let go of me, old man!" Ichigo complained and pushed against his father who was trying to squeeze them together into one body, "LET GO!"

"Go and have children, Ichigo! Lots of them!" Isshin finally released them as he ran around the living room, "I want the house filled with my grandchildren so make sure the both of you love each other every so often!"

"Eh!" Rukia immediately hugged herself as she inched hurriedly towards Byakuya for protection. Byakuya was sincerely and seriously holding onto himself from being sent into trauma from Ichigo's father's weird ideas.

The house filled with grandchildren!? That was a lot of work! Days and nights of hard work! And Ichigo was not planning on turning their house into a butterfly garden! It would not be easy defending the whole of Karakura from Menos Grande who were aiming for their house! It was not like he was rebuilding a whole wiped-out clan, for crying out loud!

"Are you insane?" Ichigo blasted, "House filled with grandchildren? We're not some sort of baby-making machine!"

Or a sex machine either, for that matter!

"Well, I'm not getting any younger, boy!" Isshin told his son, "Isn't that right, Urahara-san?"
"Yes, so true, Kurosaki-san." Urahara nodded.

"So if in any case you intend to have kids tomorrow I will be more than glad to support you!" Isshin declared and hit his chest dramatically, "That I vow as a man and father of my word."

"How touching, Kurosaki-san." Urahara patted his shoulder.
"Indeed." Byakuya nodded with a tinge of sarcasm.

Having kids tomorrow? What about right now? Or days ago perhaps?

The Shiro Chou landed on Ichigo's shoulder.

"Urgh." Ichigo just wanted to faint, "At least ask her brother if it's okay with him."
"It's not like I can do anything if you're already at it." Byakuya said formally.
"See? You have permission!" Isshin clapped.
"Thanks… a lot…Niisama."

"So shall we move on to discussing about contraceptives?" Urahara was suggesting now "They might need it in case they carried away."

"Ah, yes… Yes… Contraceptives." And Isshin pulled out a pack of something from his wallet. Ichigo's eyes widened. What was something like that doing there?

To Rukia, it looked like the flavoring in a pack that came with instant noodles. To Byakuya, it was nothing more but a shiny silver pack. To Ichigo, it was embarrassment and impending doom.

"So you open it and…"

Even before Isshin could tell anyone where or how the rubbery thing was used, Ichigo got up, grabbed Rukia and made a run for the kitchen.

"What was that about?" Urahara blinked.
"I don't know." Isshin blinked as he opened the pack, "These are just pills."
"Maybe he got carried away, hm?" Urahara looked at the pills on Isshin's hand.

Isshin and Urahara looked at each other and shrugged before the shop keeper put out several bottles.

"Hey, you drink now, Byakuya?" Isshin grinned at the noble and offered him a shot glass.

The Gotei 13 Captain looked at Isshin, took a deep breath before taking the shot glass and saying, "I knew it. I knew you weren't just familiar."

- End of Chapter 14 -

Author: The part about Yuzu buying lots of stuff for 500z came from the Bleach Omake Chapters! Hope you like this chapter! If things go well, I might post another one today! Yay! Thank you for your support, minna! And thanks for everything you've been e-giving me! Bankai to us all!