I do not own Supernatural or Star Trek 2009. Or Clue. I just borrowed the phrase from the board game.

This little short story might make more sense if you read Fathers, Friends and Faith first but all you really need to know is that after a series of events, Spock locked Bones in the infirmary (Spock is a brave, brave soul).

This is the fallout.

If there's canon regarding the characters who appear in this story, I apologize: I haven't seen it in the movie(s) or TOS for that matter and couldn't find examples of it on the internet.

For some reason, the captain was in an exceptionally good mood this morning, Sulu noticed. Not that Captain Kirk was ever what you would call depressed but this was ridiculous.

"Did you notice?" he asked Chekov, who was keeping his head down at the nav console.

"Notice vhat?" Chekov replied shiftily. "I see nothing, saw nothing, there vas nothing to see!"

Sulu was now rather confused and a little afraid. The last time Chekov had acted like this, the captain had thought it would be a good idea to blackmail the Russian into rigging the communications on Starbase 4 to sound like Donald Duck, no matter who spoke into the microphone.

Once he had spoke into the rigged microphone to a very important diplomat, Admiral Cartwright had not been impressed.

So Sulu sat down cautiously, surveying the bridge like it was a ticking minefield. Everyone was very quiet and very nervous. The captain was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Naturally, Spock was his usual stoic self.

Sulu blinked. Where was Bones? Dr. McCoy liked to be on the bridge for the first debrief of the day, especially when they were leaving spacedock. Bones usually stood just behind Sulu's shoulder to bitch about how one of these days the idiots flying around the Enterprise would crash into her and explode the whole base into a hundred million pieces and the Enterprise would only survive because Sulu was a damn good pilot but then Starfleet would blame them and they'd all be marooned to ore freight runs in which case they'd all perish of lung-rot from inhaled ore dust, choking on their own bodily fluids until they drowned in space.

It was always the exact same rant and yes, those were the doctor's exact words (and sentence structure).

But today there was no rant.

It was kind of nice, if a little disconcerting.

"Spock, did you fix the infirmary door mechanism?" Kirk asked a few minutes after they jumped to warp.

And that was when Sulu knew they were all doomed.

"I logged the error with Engineering, captain. Mr. Scott promised to see to it as soon as we were under way."

"Did you mention that Bones was still in the infirmary?"

Sulu and Uhura tensed while Chekov cowered at the thought.

"I believe I…forgot."

Bullshit ran through the heads of every individual on the bridge. Spock? Forget?

No, this was Spock screwing with the CMO and he had just taken his life into his hands.

"Mr. Spock?" a wary Scottish voice asked over the comm.

"Yes Mr. Scott."

"Why did ye nae tell me Dr. McCoy was locked in the infirmary over night?"

"I…forgot."

There was silence over the comm.

"Capt'n, are ye sure that's Mr. Spock and not a doppelganger of sorts?"

Kirk was grinning like a loon. "Pretty sure, Scotty."

"Aye then, capt'n." There was a definite note of doubt in the engineer's voice but he carried on.

The lift doors whooshed open.

"UNCLE JIM!"

The impending apocalypse withered up and died a very quick death in the face of a beaming Joanna McCoy, dark pigtails bouncing as she threw herself into Kirk's lap.

The entire bridge crew froze.

"Jo-jo?" Kirk managed to sputter and glanced at a scowling McCoy.

"I ran away," she announced cheerfully, "an' stowed away on the Enterprise! And then the doors wouldn't open and Daddy and I had a sleepover and candy and it was so much fun! Can I be cabin girl?"

Kirk managed to rally his scattered thoughts, kicking his brain back into gear. "Jo-jo, sweetheart, why did you stow away?"

The nine year old pouted mightily, shaking her head and Bones shrugged when Kirk sent him a questioning glance. Jo-jo wasn't talking. "Sulu, park Enterprise and Uhura, don't notify Starfleet Command just yet. Jo-jo and I are gonna go hang out for a bit and Bones, try not to kill Spock." Joanna giggled at the murderous glare her father was sending the stone-faced Vulcan.

Accordingly, the Enterprise hung silent in space as Joanna flopped back on the big squishy square blue cushion in the quiet rec-room, staring up at the stars. Kirk joined her after Jo-jo waved hello to Amanda.

"So. Cabin girl, huh? You don't wanna be pilot or captain?"

"Silly, those jobs belong to Uncle Sulu and you!"

"All right kiddo. Hey, how did you get on the ship?"

Joanna looked very pleased with herself. "Uncle Scotty showed me how to use the transporter when I last visited and I remembered how! It was easy to take a cab from our hotel while Mom was busy. Then I got a shuttle up to the ship yard and snuck into the cargo bay. Uncle Dean showed me how to get from the cargo bay to the infirm'ary using the vent-shafts. Then I just had to wait to surprise Daddy when noooobody was looking."

"Well, geez, guess I'll have to review Enterprise security protocols. You remembered the transporter password? And how to get from cargo to the infirmary? I'm impressed," Kirk complimented sincerely and Joanna bounced on the cushion in satisfaction. "She was busy, huh?" Kirk mused.

"Busy." Joanna said in a definitive tone of voice.

"Huh."

"I left a note!"

"Didja now."

"Yeah. That's all she needed. She was busy. She's always busy and she doesn't let me talk to Daddy! She doesn't like me anymore." The last sentence was full of a lost little girl's sobs.

"And you didn't tell your dad?"

Joanna sniffled and squared her little shoulders, putting on an adorably adult face. "Dad's important busy," she said firmly. "He saves people every day and I thought if I was cabin girl I'd have a job and be able to see Dad without being a bother."

"Hmm," Kirk replied absently.

"You won't make me go back, right?"

"Weeeell," Kirk drawled, not entirely sure what to do himself, "why don't we call your mom first and see what she has to say so she knows you weren't kidnapped by space pirates and forced to sign the note."

Joanna's eyes widened. "Like in the movies?"

"Yeah, like in the movies." Kirk congratulated himself for this inspired bit. "We'll use the captain's ready room so she knows it's official business."

"I'm official business?"

"Absolutely. Very official, important business."

So they dialled up Earth and managed to connect to a very excited, angry Jocelyn McCoy, her eyes bloodshot, lines appearing around her pretty mouth, fine straw-golden hair falling out of its classy up-do. The Starfleet officer escorting her looked harassed and very glad to find the missing child if only to get rid of the high-octane woman.

Jocelyn proceeded to give her daughter the dressing down of the century without any of the usual undertones of concern most so-scared-they-were-angry moms used. Little Jo-jo wilted and tried not to let her lip wobble as Kirk frowned. He may not have had much experience with mothers but this didn't quite seem right, you know? No "Are you okay," no "where were you," just a "You shouldn't have run away to your worthless father" in tones one usually reserved for a beat down, not a little girl who ran away to her father for a night.

Finally, Jocelyn reached the end of her rant and Joanna straightened up. Kirk got the feeling an irreparable chasm had just opened between mother and daughter.

"Mama, I'm not coming back," Joanna asserted militantly.

"Captain Kirk, you turn that ship around right now and bring my daughter back to Earth this instant!" Jocelyn's voice reached strident tones and Kirk was kind of hoping she'd be a little more chill about this whole thing because really, what kid doesn't run away from home? Granted, most don't hop a star ship destined for the outer reaches of civilization but hey, Kirk had driven an antique car off a cliff so he figured who was he to judge?

In the meantime, Joanna stared up at her favourite uncle with pleading eyes and Kirk settled back in his chair, not prepared to commit to anything at this point (and pretty sure he was siding with the munchkin).

"And for that matter, where's Leonard? How dare he perpetuate this sort of behaviour!" The shrill voice was giving Kirk a headache as Joanna's eyes filled with tears and spilled over.

"Mama, Daddy didn't do it, he didn't tell me to, I came all on my own!"

"The hell you did!"

Joanna flinched as if she had been slapped and Kirk hit the hold button, pulling up the standard Starfleet logo. Whoa, had not expected that. "Hey kiddo, you know what? I think we're going to go back to the bridge, see if Sulu lets you fly the Enterprise, huh? Make sure Sulu doesn't us through an asteroid. I gotta talk to your dad."

Sure enough, Sulu let Jo-jo fly the Enterprise in great big circles and dips as Chekov chattered on and on like they were in the most intense battle, giving Joanna all sorts of information and readings. Soon she was giggling hysterically as they fiddled with consoles.

The little knot of people at the back of the bridge were not so happy. "I think we need to call Sam," Kirk said quietly.

"What? Winchester? Why?" Bones demanded.

"Because he's a lawyer," Kirk replied soberly. "Jocelyn was acting weird, man, even for her. And Jo-jo said she was busy all the time. So far she's been a great mom to Joanna, Bones, even if she's been a witch to you. Something's off."

A quick call back to Earth had a concerned Sam on the ready room view screen in no time. "Hey guys, what's up?"

Kirk described the situation succinctly and Sam scowled. "Yeah, that sounds wrong. But you're in a sticky spot, Leonard, I'm not going to lie. You've only got Joanna's word that you didn't tell her to sneak aboard the Enterprise. It helps that you stopped the Enterprise as soon as you realized she was on board and contacted the mother through official channels. I assume that exchange was recorded."

Kirk nodded. "And it was a weird-ass conversation, dude. I mean, she never asked if Jo was safe, just lit into her for being on the Enterprise. Most kids run away from home at least once, don't they?" He glanced around. Sam shrugged and mouthed 'Dean' silently, Spock was giving Kirk the "why-must-Vulcans-deal-with-idiots" look and Bones shook his head.

"Come on, seriously? You bunch are no fun at all. Anyway, we've got Jocelyn's reluctance to allow Bones his parental rights documented as well as her conversations threatening him with further restrictions and her refusal of his visits. Additionally, doesn't it say something that Joanna managed to get all the way to the ship yard without Jocelyn noticing?"

Sam looked thoughtful. "It does. How long would it have taken Jo-jo to get across town, through the surface docks and then up to the yard in orbit?"

"Approximately 3.36 hours given the hover-car jam present in San Francisco at the time," Spock reported.

"Wait, wait, wait, I'm not sure I want custody!" Bones interrupted and everyone stared at the doctor like he had two heads. "I mean, I'm tied up here and there is no way in hell my daughter is staying on this death trap."

"He's got a point," Kirk admitted and everyone, Bones included, stared at him like he had three heads. "What? I can admit we're prone to hull ruptures, alien invasions and all sorts of danger!"

"Better make sure that was recorded. You'll never hear it again," Sam chuckled. "Anyway, let me do some investigating. Jim, you should let Command know you're putting Enterprise on standby. It's not a time-sensitive mission, is it?"

Kirk shook his head.

"All right, leave it to me. I've got two days before we ship out and if I have to, I'll force my idiot brother to help."

Four hours later, Jo-jo was off banging on bongo drums in the rec-room with Uhura when Sam called back. "It's an interesting story," he said briskly, his brain clearly whirring away in its usual reliable manner. "Jocelyn McCoy, former pageant winner and Miss Georgia, has recently been attempting to break back into the beauty queen world as the substantial money she garnered from Bones in the divorce is now running out. Naturally after having Jo-jo, her figure is not what it was. She promised some less than honest plastic surgeons that she would pay them back as soon as she won her first competition. She has yet to fulfill that promise despite having lost four competitions and refuses to get an entry-level job."

"Why'd you marry her again?" Kirk demanded.

Bones shrugged. "I was young and stupid?"

"Ahem." They shut up. "The night Joanna was left in the hotel Jocelyn was off trying to seduce an old flame who currently runs a successful office supply business. It's not glamorous but he's worth millions. She failed and he threw her out. Jocelyn is now flat broke and spiralling out of control." Sam shrugged. "If you like, I can prove in court she was negligent but I gotta be honest with you Bones, the fact that you're the CMO of the flagship doesn't exactly speak for a stable, kid-friendly environment. It's more likely that the courts will just order Jocelyn to get a minimum-wage job and subsist that way." He shifted in his seat. "But from what little I know of Jocelyn…" his voice trailed off.

"She'll take it out on Jo-jo," Bones finished with resignation.

"Hey Bones, if you want to be a trauma surgeon on Earth, I'll totally write you a great reference letter," Kirk offered, hiding his inner rebellion at the idea with a bright smile.

McCoy wasn't buying it. "I'm not stupid, Jim. Don't give me that shit. If I go back to Earth, this ship'll be falling apart in three weeks. Sam, can you take a look at my finances? See if you can't put her on an allowance system. Hell, it's not like I use the money anyway. It just sits in the bank for Joanna's future. May as well go towards keeping her with her mother." Sam, Spock and Kirk looked at the CMO as if he had sprouted a second head. "What?"

"Bones," Sam began hesitantly. "That's not a solution, that's just enabling your ex-wife."

McCoy threw up his hands. "What the hell do you want me to do then?"

Kirk began to speak, hesitated and subsided.

McCoy nailed his captain and friend with a gimlet eye. "Talk, Jim."

"Your mom was saying she didn't see enough of Joanna when you talked on her birthday."

McCoy stared and then blustered. "There's a hell of a difference between missing your grandkid and taking her in as a full time proposition because your son can't sort out his own familial problems!"

"I believe that if little Joanna were to come to emotional or physical harm due to a poor familial situation because you feared to inconvenience your mother, she would be very angry with you," Spock interjected knowledgeably, having met the grand, formidable old lady.

McCoy rolled his eyes but slumped in defeat.

Mary Ellen McCoy was a spry, sweet little person with silver-streaked brown hair, twinkling blue eyes and a very healthy sense of humour. She had met Jim and Spock and she approved highly of both. She lived in a grand old Southern farmhouse with a kitchen that smelled of cookies and a wide, shadowy wrap-around porch that spoke to long summers of lemonade and relaxation.

It was quite possibly Joanna's second favourite place after her father's infirmary and her grandmother had been only too happy to take in her little granddaughter. Mary Ellen bossed her son's friends as they carried Joanna's suitcases up the stairs into her room and had cookies sitting out on the porch as Jo-jo scampered up the big oak tree in the front yard.

"You did right when you called me, Leo," she said to her son, who still had his brow furrowed in wrinkles. "I was getting lonely and Joanna hasn't looked this bright since you managed to wrangle two weeks to yourselves from that woman." That woman was how Mary Ellen referred to Jocelyn McCoy. The moniker had only grown more pointed when she had heard that her precious granddaughter had hiked all the way across San Francisco and stowed away on a star ship without Joanna's mother noticing. Poor Sam and Dean (who volunteered to tell the irate grandmother in person instead of over a comm) had considered carefully setting down their fine china teacups and running for their lives.

McCoy was startled from his thoughts by a shriek of laughter from Joanna and a roar of laughter from Sam, who had been elected picture-hanger on account of his height. Judging from the ensuing crashes and thumps, an impromptu rumble had ensued.

"I'll look after Joanna. It'll be a pleasure. This way, she's safe, I'm happy and you keep doing what you love. It'll make all of us content," Mary Ellen reiterated. "And if that woman shows up, I'll get a restraining order." She reached into the pretty wooden umbrella stand, pulling out an ancient but clearly well-cared-for 12 gauge double-barrelled shotgun. "If that doesn't discourage her," Mary Ellen cracked the stock open and checked for shells, "this sure as hell will."

"Ma!" McCoy squawked.

"My kind of woman," Jim drawled in delight as Dean stuck his head around the corner into the hallway.

"Damn," he whistled.

Mary Ellen snapped the gun shut. "None of that language, Dean. There's a child in the house now." Thus, instead of leaving the gun in the umbrella stand, she stretched up on her toes and slid her weapon into the gun rack over the front door.

"I love her," Dean said worshipfully through a mouthful of cherry scone as he and Kirk duelled over the final cookie. "Can you be my gramma?" he asked seriously and Mary Ellen smiled affectionately, running a gentle hand through his hair.

"Sure thing, sugar. You come home for Thanksgiving, you hear? You and Sam."

Dean frowned. "Well Gramma, we're a big group at Thanksgiving."

Mary Ellen McCoy gave Dean Winchester his first taste of a grandmotherly scowl. "Young man, I used to make Thanksgiving dinner for fifty. You, your bridge crew and your father will be here on that weekend. You and yours too, Jim Kirk."

Well, there really wasn't anything else to say to that, especially when Joanna agreed with her grandmother.

As the sun was setting, Jim regretfully corralled his XO and CMO. Enterprise had to get back on route, already late. Leonard was the last one to leave the house, turning at the white picket fence to wave at his little girl. Joanna had her arms wrapped around her grandmother's waist, and only let go to wave at her dad with one arm. It was a heart-warming picture and one the Enterprise's doctor would carry with him into the strange and often terrifying reaches of space.