Author's Notes: For those of you wondering what in the world Sam was thinking, the answers are here. You might have to wait a little longer to figure out what Jules is thinking though. Just a warning. Another warning, there are some words in this chapter that while I neither like nor normally use them fit with what I thought the character should use. Hope you enjoy. I was finishing this chapter up so I could get it posted before leaving for a conference. Please forgive me if there are a few more typos than normal. I tried to catch them all but I was pressed for time so I probably missed some.
Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and the networks that air the episodes. Since the show has ended, our only way of getting new Flashpoint is through fan fiction. This story is my attempt to help fill the void, and the only profit I make is the warm fuzzy feeling reviews give me. Anything that does not come directly from the show is my own creation and should not be used without my permission.
The Re-Education of Jules Callaghan
Chapter 14
"That's when the subject opened fire on the two of you?" Sarge asked as the team continued the debrief. He shot a glance in Jules's direction. He had to give her credit. There was nothing in her posture or her responses that would give anyone any indication that she'd even been injured during the call let alone that she'd been hurt on a more emotional level.
He knew that as soon as they had all arrived back at headquarters, Sam had tried to pull Jules aside to talk to her. The beautiful but stubborn female of the team had allowed him to fuss momentarily over her wound but had refused to discuss the call or his actions with him.
As much as Greg applauded and on a professional level appreciated her attempt to keep her personal life and feelings separate from the job, he worried what it was costing her. The permission that had come down from on high that had allowed the couple to remain on the team had been based on the understanding that what went on in their private lives had to remain private. Even with all the turmoil going on in her private life recently, she and Sam had kept to their word on that aspect. This was really the first time the line had even become slightly blurred. Surely at some point there would have to be a crack in her armor.
Sam nodded. "Yeah, he shot at Jules who thankfully was able to dodge his bullets. Then he ran off. That's when Fredline came out. At first she seemed exactly what we'd been told she was - an innocent hostage."
"What made you think otherwise?" Ed interjected.
Sam blushed slightly. "She seemed a little too interested in my belt…"
"That's Sam all right. All the girls want to get into his pants." Spike quipped and then regretted it. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Jules any more than she'd already been.
Sam continued as if Spike hadn't spoken up. "All of a sudden something didn't feel right. I got the feeling she was trying to get me used to her touch while checking out my gear."
"Is that what they're calling it now?" This time it was Raf who interrupted. Because SIU had pulled him aside directly after the shooting, he'd missed all the by-play that had gone on. No one had had time to fill him in when he'd returned from the post shooting interview. As far as he knew, this was just a normal, run of the mill debrief of a hot call that had gotten a little too personal for Sam. He couldn't resist ribbing his friend a little.
Greg shot him a look of censure but didn't reprimand him. It wasn't unusual for there to be a little levity interjected into a debrief. It certainly beat those times when a rough call left tempers and emotions high and volatile.
Sam stole a look over at Jules who was sitting across the table from him. He wished like hell he'd been able to explain himself directly to her before the debrief. No, he wished he'd been able to clue her in at the scene as things were unfolding. He'd seen the hurt in her eyes when he'd put his arms around Janice, but there'd been nothing he could do. He'd trusted that she'd realize there was more to the story. Now, with the exception of letting him check on her when they'd gotten back, she'd seemed intent on ignoring him for all she was worth. She wasn't being overtly hostile but he knew her too well not to know how upset she was. Had she really believed he'd not only been receptive to the woman's advance but had willingly reciprocated them as well? He pushed his emotions down so that he could continue his explanation. He felt like he was talking more to Jules, trying to make her understand, than he was the rest of the team.
"Things weren't adding up for me. Her co-workers had said she'd only been working there for a few weeks. She worked with IT. She was suddenly the target of some unknown subject interested in a computer server room. I saw a sign on the wall that indicated that we were dealing with a corporate office for a savings and loan. It made me suspect that maybe our victim wasn't so much a victim but an accomplice. I couldn't be sure she wasn't armed herself so I subtly frisked her."
"Looked more like a frisky hug to me." Jules muttered under her breath so low that no one could hear her. Then she addressed Sam directly. "Why all the subterfuge? Why not just confront her?"
"Several reasons." Sam assured her instantly. "All I had was suspicions and those weren't enough to warrant accusing her if she was innocent. After frisking her, I could tell she had some sort of folder stuffed beneath the back of her shirt into her skirt. I couldn't feel a weapon but that didn't mean she didn't have one. I decided it was better to play along with her until I could get more out of her."
Jules frowned. "There were no civilians on the floor. We'd already evacuated. The threat to others was negated even if she had a weapon."
Sam didn't explain that the biggest worry that had held him back from being more direct with the potential subject had been Jules herself. Even though he knew she was conscious, he had no way of knowing just how badly she'd been injured. There was no way he'd take a chance of endangering her without knowing exactly what Janice Fredline was capable of. He just hoped that in his attempt to protect her that he hadn't hurt her worse. "Maybe, but I made a judgment call. Better to string her along until we knew more."
"Sam was great." Ed took over at this point. "She thought she had him completely snowed. He poured on the old Braddock charm and had her practically eating out of his hands. She didn't even realized he'd tricked her into revealing her culpability until it was too late."
"What was their plan?" Greg wanted to get the focus of the debrief back on the case itself instead of Sam's actions. While everything Sam had done made perfect sense and had minimized the risk to everyone involved, including the subject, he knew it wasn't easy for Jules to listen to.
"Fredline got the job the floor below the savings and loan just for this purpose. Everything was completely set up. Her partner came in with the gun and pretending to take her hostage. By setting the small trash can fires with bullets in them on earlier floors and firing live rounds on his, he'd given the impression that there were multiple shooters. He was pretty sure the building would be evacuated giving them time to do what they had to do without anyone figuring out the actual target. Once in the server room, Janice was able to use her computer skills and information in the file she had concealed to electronically move funds from actual accounts to a well hidden over seas account. They'd hoped by shooting some of the computers, it would hide their true intentions. It wouldn't erase what they'd done but might keep people from suspecting an electronic theft had occured. He was going to leave Janice behind as the distraught victim with no one the wiser that she'd been in on it from the start."
"I guess he, or I guess they, didn't count on our swift arrival." Raf supplied. Having to take down a subject was never easy but it was part of the job he was slowly starting to accept as sometimes necessary and unavoidable. "One thing I don't get is the guy. Why not just give up? Why raise your weapon against us? He had to have known it wouldn't go well for him."
Sam shrugged. "Janice seemed surprised when Ed told her. I think that's what prompted her façade to start to crack rather than anything I said."
"Maybe he didn't think we'd actually shoot." Greg supposed. "Maybe he thought he was buying her more time and playing up her cover by resisting. Maybe he realized that Fredline had set him up to take all the danger in their plan and couldn't handle the realization. There's no way of knowing what he was thinking. Anyone else have anything to add?"
No one did. At least not in a public forum. Greg wrapped up the debriefing of the call and went straight into the morning briefing they'd missed due to the timing of the hot call. He explained that they had a couple of no-knock warrants to serve after lunch and suggested that they patrol until then. Without any shame, Greg made sure that he paired Jules with Sam, ignoring the look she gave him. It wasn't that he wanted to force the couple to discuss things while at work, but he didn't want things to fester and become worse as the day wore on. Plus, despite the medics assurance that Jules's head injury wasn't serious, he didn't want to take chances. Sam would watch her like a hawk and she wouldn't be able to hide any symptoms should complications rise.
Sam had hoped to wait for everyone else to file out of the room and snag Jules so they could talk. He hoped that after hearing why he'd done what he'd done, she wouldn't be as angry with him. However, Jules was the first out of her seat and the first out of the room despite the fact that she was on the other side of the room from the door. Her head injury certainly wasn't slowing her down. Having missed his chance, Sam remained seated and buried his face in his hands.
He sensed rather than saw someone perch on the edge of the table next to him. He sat up and looked at Sarge miserably. "I screwed up."
Greg sighed and pushed his own feelings on the subject to the side. "You are the second person today who's claimed to have screwed up. I didn't buy it when Jules said it to me this morning and I'm not buying it from you now. You acted on your instincts and made a judgment call. It paid off with the arrest of a suspect we probably wouldn't have looked twice at, and you did so without endangering yourself, the subject, or anyone else. You did your job."
"I hurt Jules. I swear, I was trying to protect her. I know she can take care of herself but I knew she was injured and I couldn't be sure how badly. I was afraid if Fredline was armed and I panicked her, Jules could get hurt even worse. Yet in trying to protect her, I just hurt her worse. Now she won't even talk to me."
"Sam, Jules hasn't talked to me about all this either." Greg explained. "The closest she would come was to tell me it was something the two of you had to discuss as a couple not co-workers. I put the two of you together not to force you to fix this but because I trust that you can put your personal issues to the side for the sake of the job. If it gives you the time to talk things out, even better. I also know you will make sure she doesn't try to hide it if her head starts bothering her."
Sam looked at him, his blue eyes full of misery. "And since she's already mad at me, it won't be a big deal if I had to make her madder by taking her on to the ER."
That really wasn't what Greg had been thinking but he had to admit Sam probably was right. "Even if she's not happy with you, you're probably the only one of us that has a chance of getting her to listen to sane advice. Sam, I know I don't have to say this; you know Jules as well as I do, probably better. If you get in that vehicle with her and start pressing her to talk about what happened, you are only going to get her back up. That's not going to get either of you anywhere. You know I'm right."
"Yeah, I know." Sam agreed. "She really is okay though, right? The medic checked her out and everything?"
Greg nodded. "No sign of a concussion but keep an eye on her anyway. How about the two of you patrol the west district. You can stop at Island Foods for lunch. That might go a long way toward easing tensions."
"Thanks Boss."
Sam left the briefing room and made his way to the garage where the SUVs were parked. He wasn't surprised to find Jules already there waiting for him, but he was surprised that she was sitting in the passenger seat. He'd never really understood why she preferred to be in the driver's seat until he'd found out about what had happened to her as a teen. Not that Johnny's actions when she was sixteen or recently had anything to do with driving, but he realized that her lack of control then had led to her need to have control where she could. Like being in the driver's seat. Hard to have control when someone else was doing the driving.
He opened the driver's door and peered in. "You're letting me drive?"
She nodded, glancing over in his direction but not really looking at him. "Figured it wasn't worth the fight. I could sit here until I'm blue in the face telling you that I'm okay, that the bump to the head was nothing to be concerned about, but you'd still insist it wasn't worth taking chances letting me behind the wheel of the car. We've got the rest of the afternoon and several warrants to serve; we can't do our jobs if we're arguing."
Sam nodded, hearing what she wasn't saying as well. She didn't want to discuss the call for the same reason. He knew he should honor that request; since Sarge had basically given him the same advice, knew it was the right thing. Knowing didn't make it any easier to bite back all the things he wanted to say. He opened his mouth, ready to forget reason all together, but before he could say the first word, there was a scrape of noise behind him and Greg and Raf entered the garage to go to their SUV. With a sigh, Sam got in and fastened his seatbelt. He looked over at Jules.
"You're right, we do have a long afternoon ahead of us. We've had an equally hard morning. How about we head west and check out Island Foods before we do anything else?"
He half expected her to just shrug off his suggestion with a terse "whatever." He'd been with her long enough to know that she could argue really well without saying a word. A quiet, stewing Jules simmering with unexpressed anger could be worse than when she fully unleashed the fury she was feeling. In fact, of the two, he'd rather be on the receiving end of her fiery temper at full force than watching the slow build and being able to do nothing.
"Sure, sounds good. Want me to call in our order so it's ready when we get there?"
Eating while on patrol was always a dicey affair. You didn't get formal lunch breaks and all too often a hot call would come in just as you started to eat. You had to do everything possible to minimize wait time so you had a better chance of getting to eat. Sam nodded and glanced at her. "You going to order me oxtail?"
Jules rolled her eyes. "I was thinking more jerk chicken."
A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of Sam's mouth. She was joking with him. That had to be a good sign that he wasn't as deep in the doghouse as he'd thought. He heard enough of an edge in her voice to know all was not completely forgiven. Her sense of humor when she was upset might be sarcastic and maybe even a little biting but he preferred it to her walking on eggshells around him weighing everything she said against how it might be perceived. He'd had enough of that right after they had ended things so she could return to the team.
He pulled out of the garage and took off in the direction they were going to patrol. He sighed. "I know you were being sarcastic, but jerk chicken actually sounds great. Thank you."
Jules reached for her phone and called in the order. Once she ended the call, a silence fell over the SUV. It wasn't the same kind of comfortable, words aren't needed, kind of silence they usually enjoyed. He was once more reminded of some of the patrols they'd shared in the first few months after the break up. He'd been bitter, upset that she'd put the job ahead of their happiness, and unwilling to acknowledge that he'd been just as guilty. He wasn't sure exactly what had been going through Jules's head at the time. At the time, he'd thought she was probably feeling guilty for having forced the issue, worried that the slightest slip up on her part might jeopardize her position on the team, and angry that he'd expected her to make all the sacrifices. He still thought all three probably had played a big part but after she'd admitted that pushing him away had at least in some ways been connected to what had happened to her, her way of protecting herself from being hurt again, he was sure it played a factor as well. Whatever they'd been thinking, the silence that would build up between them on patrols was usually painfully loud and uncomfortable. To the point, he would have requested not being assigned patrols with her had he not been worried that doing so might also jeopardize either of their positions on the team.
Eventually they'd at least made their way back to being friends, and those patrols had gotten better. Once they'd gotten back together, even while they were secretly dating, he'd thought those days of cold silence were over. He sighed. Apparently he'd been wrong.
Would this be how they spent their entire afternoon? Close enough that he could reach out and touch her but with a wall of bad feelings between them? Sam stole another glance over to her, questioning whether it was worth waiting until after shift to talk about what had happened. Jules was looking out the passenger window, pinching the bridge of her nose as if trying to ward off some sort of pain.
Sam frowned. "Headache?"
She lowered her hand and shook her head, still not looking at him. "No it's fine. Really."
Her voice didn't have quite the same edge to it as it had had earlier. Feeling a little more emboldened, Sam kept his left hand on the wheel and reached out to her with the right. His hand settled on the side of her neck so that his thumb could rub against her cheek. It was a comforting gesture he'd used many a time since they'd gotten together, usually after a hard call when words of comfort might not go unnoticed, but yet comfort was exactly what they both needed. This time, Jules didn't lean into the move as she would usually do, but she didn't pull away either. Sam took that as a good sign.
He was pretty sure she probably did have a headache, but it didn't alarm or surprise him. Though he hadn't commented on it, he knew she hadn't slept well the night before. Given how upset she'd been over what had happened during the training exercise, he would have been more surprised if she hadn't had bad dreams. He'd also noticed that she'd barely eaten any breakfast before they'd left. While he'd devoured both his Eggos, she'd barely made a dent in her one. Lack of sleep, not eating well, and the adrenaline that naturally pumped into overdrive during a call would give anyone a headache even without a slight head injury. He didn't push the issue though; Jules wasn't the only one who could walk on eggshells by avoiding potentially emotionally charged topics.
He kept his hand where it was, needing the physical contact with her and hoping his touch would in some way convey the apology he wanted to verbalize but felt compelled to withhold until they were off the clock. He couldn't talk about what they needed to talk about, but at the same time, he couldn't take the complete silence either. So he tried another tactic.
"You know, I think I would almost prefer full training drills with Ed than serving warrants."
One corner of her mouth turned upward slightly and she turned to face him. In doing so, she turned more into his hand. Her eyes softened ever so slightly. She realized what he was doing and apparently appreciated the attempt. "Liar."
He chuckled. It was as close to normal as he probably could hope for until they confronted the elephant riding with them. "Maybe. Still, these no-knock warrants aren't exactly my favorite. I know anything can happen with them, but generally they are just so predictable and boring. We show up with the big guns and the bad guys fall in line like obedient lambs. Makes me wonder sometimes why we have to serve them."
"Adrenaline junkie." Jules accused without the least hint of tension in her voice. "Just remember, probably for every ten warrants we serve where they do act like obedient lambs, we get at least one stubborn old goat who thinks he's more badass than the rest of us. That's why we serve them. Nobody handles badass like we do."
"Damn straight."
Now the silence that fell over the SUV didn't feel as strained. The slate wasn't clean but at least a temporary truce was in place. Arriving at Island Foods, they locked up the SUV and went inside to eat. Sam went to the counter to pick up and pay for their order while Jules went to select a table that would give them the quickest egress if they should get a call.
Sam dug into his lunch with gusto, but he couldn't help but notice that Jules was picking at her chicken roti more than eating it. He hated seeing her torn up like she was. Hated more than he had something to do with bringing her down this time. He nudged her lower leg with his foot. Maybe they did need to wait for a full discussion of what had happened until they weren't at work, but he couldn't put off the most important thing that needed to be said. When Jules looked at him, he locked his eyes on her so she couldn't help but see the sincerity in them.
"I never meant to hurt you."
He expected her to say that she knew that. It wouldn't fix things but it would be a start. Instead she sighed. "You can't hurt me unless I let it happen. Please Sam, let's not do this now."
"Do what? I'm just trying to apologize. Why does this have to be some sort of fight? I don't understand." Sam stabbed a piece of his chicken with a little more force than was probably warranted.
Jules sat back in her seat, folding her arms across her chest. "The fact that you don't understand is exactly why we aren't doing this now. Just drop it for now; please, Sam."
"Fine, but eat your lunch." Sam gave in not because he wanted to but because he knew there was no changing Jules's mind once she'd made it up. To even try was an exercise in futility. "You don't want your stomach growling this afternoon if we happen to get one of those old goats who want to challenge our badass-ness."
She nodded and picked up her roti. As soon as her mouth was full, Sam took the opportunity to make one more stab. "Just so we're clear though. As soon as shift is over, you and I are going to talk about all this." And if it meant arguing over it as well, then he would fight with all that was in him, She was too important not to.
- FP - FP - FP -
"Sam and I will take Sierra positions from the roof of that building there." Ed pointed to the three story building just down from the house that they would soon be delivering a warrant. Like most of the warrants they were pressed into service to deliver, the recipient wasn't just a common civilian who had simply made a bad choice. This particular subject was a known yet as of yet unproven drug dealer and a suspected arms dealer. The warrant was for a petty misdemeanor that normally wouldn't have brought him under the concern of SRU, but the opportunity to possibly find evidence of his bigger crimes and the probability that he'd try to avoid arrest, made him a big catch. Officers from Vice were standing by itching to get their chance to nail him on bigger charges.
"Jules and Spike will take the back while the Boss and Raf will go in the front door. It's a no-knock warrant so both teams will go in on the Boss's signal. Everybody keep your eyes open and be prepared for anything."
There was a chorus of "copy that" and everyone started to move into position. As they headed to the back of the house, Spike looked over at Jules. "How's your head?"
Neither of their head sets were in the transmit mode just yet. She might not always like it but she'd about given up fighting the fact that her teammates worried about her. She couldn't protest too much because she worried about them just as much. She flashed him a reassuring smile. "Hard as ever."
Spike nodded, taking her at her word. He was about to ask about the condition of her heart but held back. She might tolerate him checking on her physical health but he knew she would balk at anything more personal.
"Sierra One and Two in position. Scene looks good. No sign of movement in the house." Ed's voice filled their ears, bringing them back to the call.
Spike switched his radio to transmit. "Bravo team in position on black wall."
A moment later Greg announced that he and Raf were in position. He gave a five count and Spike put the entry ram to the back door. The door splintered open and Spike and Jules stepped into the house. Four different pronouncements of their presence and identity filled the space. There was no other sound. At first the house seemed deserted, but then Jules faintly heard the sounds of gasps and moans coming from their right. She motioned to Spike and the two moved in that direction.
She wasn't sure what she expected to find as they entered a bedroom, but it certainly wasn't the scene that greeted her. A man - she presumed it was their warrant subject - was lying on his back on the bed. The only thing he appeared to be wearing was the equally naked woman sprawled on top him. The two were so caught up in the heights of sexual frenzy that they apparently hadn't heard the team enter nor their arrival into the bedroom.
Jules felt her palms start to sweat. This wasn't just interrupting someone mid-sex. The man's face was buried between the woman's legs as his hands squeezed and tweaked her breasts. In return, the woman was bobbing her head up and down taking so much of his penis into her mouth he had to be hitting the back of her throat with each downward movement. The heady smell of sex filled the room.
Taking a deep breath and repositioning her weapon, Jules made another attempt to alert the couple of their presence. "SRU, put your hands where we can see them. Now, do it now!"
At first neither paid them any attention. The gasps and moans continued until Spike took a few steps closer and tapped the woman on the back with the muzzle of his weapon. She opened her eyes and saw them standing there. She moved her mouth off him with an almost audible pop and a curse.
"Damn, Baby, don't stop now. You feel so fucking good." The man grumbled. Then he pulled his head away from her and saw Spike and Jules standing there with their guns trained on him. Greg and Raf entered the bedroom behind them. "Shit."
"Zachery Douglas, you are under arrest." Greg announced dryly as if they hadn't interrupted anything.
The woman rolled off the man, pulling a sheet up to cover herself. Douglas frowned. "What the hell for? Don't tell me it's now illegal to have sex in your own home."
"No, not illegal as long as its consensual and your partner is above the age of consent." Greg's voice continued to sound calm and detached. Jules couldn't understand how he could act like it was nothing. Maybe he hadn't quite gotten the full scene that she had Spike had. "Neither of those seem to be in question here. We have a warrant here for your arrest but I'm sure the prosecutor is also going to be interested in the drugs and guns my friends and I saw as we came in. Interested enough to probably add quite a few charges."
He turned to Jules. "Jules, how about you help the young lady into the next room so she can get dressed. The prosecutor might be interested in having a conversation with her as well."
The woman kept the sheet wrapped around her as she stood. Holding the cover with one hand, she scooped up her clothes off the floor with the other and followed Jules across the hall to another bedroom.
"Are you okay?" Jules inquired as the woman began to dress. She'd noticed that the woman's movements were a little jerky and worried that maybe she'd been drugged. The woman glared at her. Jules turned off the transmit button to the radio, hoping to protect the woman's privacy if possible.
"Hell no I'm not. You wouldn't be either if you'd just been interrupted before your guy was able to get you off. Damn but that man knows how to use his mouth. Knows how to use his hands as well. Hell, there's not a part of him he doesn't know how to use to drive me wild. You just couldn't wait five more minutes, could you?"
"You do realize he's probably going to jail for a really long time, right? And that your association with him might mean you spend time in jail as well?"
The woman snorted as she pulled her t-shirt over her head. "Like Zachy said, sex isn't illegal. That's the extent of my involvement with him. Granted, sex that mind blowingly great should probably be illegal but thankfully it's not. Besides, he ain't been convicted of nothing yet. You can take us in but I'm betting before nightfall we'll be right back here picking up right back where we were when you so rudely interrupted us."
Now that the woman was dressed, Jules stepped behind her and started to cuff her. The woman cursed. "What the hell's the matter with you? You got something up your ass besides a nice fat dick? Maybe if you had a man satisfying you, you wouldn't be so uptight."
Jules was glad the auto transcriber wasn't picking up the woman's words. The last thing she wanted was to be the butt of anyone's well-meaning but embarrassing jokes during the debrief later. She led the woman out of the bedroom in time to see that the guys had allowed Douglas to dress and were also escorting him out of the house.
They put the two subjects in separate patrol cars. Vice officers were already in the living room and would take control of bagging and tagging the drugs and weapons littering the front room. SRU's role in the arrest was finished. Spike, who was standing next to Jules, shook his head as the patrol cars pulled away.
"You know, growing up Ma always said it was important to wear clean underwear every day in case I was ever in an accident. Somehow dirty underwear sounds a tad better than being arrested wearing no underwear or clothes at all. But hey, I guess considering he's about to spend who knows how many years in jail, he at least got one last hurrah before he was arrested. I bet he's wishing we had a little better timing."
Jules glanced over at him. He didn't seem to find it disturbing or odd that they'd busted in on the scene they'd found. If anything, he looked almost amused by the situation. She frowned. "It's not funny."
Spike chuckled. "Yeah, it kind of is. I mean here we are busting in with guns drawn expecting to get shot at or worse. Instead we get a front row seat to what some would pay top dollar to watch on Pay-Per-View. Talk about getting caught with your pants down. Or well, in his case completely off."
Ed and Sam approached, having been released from their Sierra positions. Ed glanced around. "Everything go okay? No problems."
"None for us." Spike reported immediately. "I don't think Douglas or his lady friend would agree."
Jules didn't want to hear a repeat play-by-play so she walked off. She could feel Sam's eyes boring into her back as she did. She had a feeling he would rather have followed her than stay behind to hear what had happened. She was glad he didn't. Even though she was still upset about the events from earlier, part of her wanted to have him put his arms around her and whisper that everything was okay. But as much as she might want to hear him say it, she knew it wasn't exactly true. She was starting to realize just how much it wasn't.
She stopped at the SUV where Greg and Raf were standing. The newest member of the team moved away as if sensing Jules wanted to talk to Greg. When they were alone, Jules leaned against the vehicle. "I know why you put Sam and me together this afternoon. You were trying to give us time as off the record as it gets while we were on shift to work out whatever you think is going on. You also wanted Sam to play watch dog over me."
Greg didn't look the least bit remorseful. "That's why you are such a great profiler, Constable Callaghan. Nothing gets past you. And since I'm pretty good at my job as well, let me use my skills a moment. You are about to politely tell me to mind my own business. That you and Sam are capable of working things out without me interfering and that you don't need someone hovering over you because you are okay."
Jules shook her head. "Not exactly. I know what you were hoping would happen, but what I don't get is why. Shouldn't you be discouraging our personal lives from getting tangled up with the job?"
Greg folded his arms and studied her carefully. "I probably should be, but yet I didn't. Same way I didn't say anything after I found out the two of you were once again involved despite being told you couldn't be together romantically. I know the two of you, and more importantly I trust you both. You've never given me a reason to worry about whether your relationship was going to prevent you from doing your job. You've never let me down and I know you aren't going to today either."
Jules wished she had his confidence. She glanced over to where Ed, Sam, Spike, and Raf were standing together. From their relaxed positions, wide grins, and the animated way Spike was talking, she was sure he was filling in Ed and Sam on exactly what they'd found inside. She'd heard them talk bull from time to time; it was hard to work around so many males and not, but around her those conversations never got vulgar. She had no way of knowing if that was true when she wasn't around. Having grown up with four brothers, she was pretty sure it probably sometimes did.
It was all no big deal for them. Just another interesting story that would probably end up as a story told one night over drinks when the topic of Most Interesting Arrests came up. How much wilder would the story be once the presence of alcohol was introduced?
Flashes from the past assaulted her. Memories of being on her knees in front of her uncle as he forced himself into her mouth, gagging her with every thrust played in her mind as if on repeat. It'll be okay, and just think, when you finally realize that boys find you just as desirable as I do, you'll know what to do to please them.
She started to tremble. Normally calls, even those calls that brought back memories, didn't elicit such an emotional or physical response in her. Not during work anyway. After she was home and safely away from prying eyes, she could break down under the weight of remembering, but not at work. Too much had already happened today to be able to delay the response.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and faintly heard Greg call her name. She didn't answer him. She was still caught up in her memories. I know what we have isn't normal; I see the movies and I've heard girls talk in high school and college. I know there's supposed to be more to sex than what I allow you and it's wrong that I can't give you that, that I can't accept it back from you. He stole that from me before I could ever experience it in a good way and I want it back.
She'd been open and honest with Sam back when she'd told him that. That had been the evening she'd convinced Sam to try to help her recover what she'd lost. To help her become normal. What if normal was more than she'd ever be able to handle?
Almost as if he sensed something was wrong, Sam looked up. He was surprised to see that the color had almost completely drained from Jules's face. Even her lips looked white. Without saying anything that would alarm the others, he excused himself and joined Jules and Sarge at the SUV. Both men were angled so that Jules was almost invisible to everyone else. Sam touched her cheek which felt cold. "Jules? What's wrong?"
Sam's voice broke the spell that had settled over her. She gave a slight jerk and her eyes landed on Sam's face. She stiffened but didn't pull away from either man. "I'm fine."
Greg didn't look as convinced. "Maybe you should take a trip to the ER and get that wound checked out after all."
Jules shook her head. "No, it wasn't that. Really. I'm fine. No need to freak out and worry. I just zoned out for a moment."
She noticed the look Sam gave Greg. One of those looks that said plenty without the need for words. She was about to tell him to stop, but before she could, Greg relented.
"Okay, you two take off. We've got about an hour before we have to serve the next warrant. I'll go break up the tea party over there and get everyone else going as well."
As he walked off, Sam looked at Jules. "You okay? From what Spike was telling us, the two of you got quite an eyeful in there. Hard to put two and two together and not realize it probably brought back bad associations."
Sam knew her all too well. Jules frowned, not wanting to admit just how right he was. "Big difference though. She was apparently more than a willing participant. Not the same at all. Come on let's go."
- FP - FP - FP -
The second warrant call was uneventful but long. By the time they returned to headquarters there was just enough time to debrief before shift ended and they'd have to log in the overtime. Perhaps because everyone was ready to call it a day, the debrief for both calls went quickly and without any of the jokes from either Spike or Raf that Jules would have expected to hear.
As soon as Sarge called an end to the meeting, Spike was the first to his feet. "Who's up for drinks at the Goose? Sam, you and Jules have to come. After all, it's thanks to the two of you that all the other teams not only know that Team 1 is still the best but also will be saving us the headache we lovingly call inventory. The least we can do is buy you both a round or two of beers."
Sam was about to politely turn him down. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the down time and camaraderie with the team after work. Any other day and he'd be all for unwinding at the Goose with everyone, especially with the promise of free drinks. But all he wanted to do was change into his regular clothes and head home with Jules. She'd put him off all day saying she didn't want to fight with him. He didn't want to fight with her either, but he wanted to know why she'd been so bothered by the call earlier.
"Sounds great." Jules answered for the both of them.
When she left the briefing room and headed toward her locker room, Sam was right on her heels. Without a thought to what anyone might say, Sam followed her right inside. Jules had to notice him but she didn't say anything as she went straight to her locker and opened it. Unable to take much more Sam reached over and slammed the door shut again, forcing her to turn her attention to him.
"What the hell, Sam?"
"How could you say yes to going to the Goose?"
She shrugged. "Why not? We usually join in when everyone gets together after work. Why should today be different?"
"Yeah, we normally go unless we already have plans, which we do." When she frowned like she didn't know what he was talking about, Sam let out a long suffering sigh. "You, me, a long talk about why you are upset with me. Shift's over and it's time for that talk."
Jules rolled her eyes. "I'd hardly call that plans. We're going to talk; once we get home. Come on Sam, I don't know about you, but a beer sounds really good right now."
"We've got beer in the fridge at home. Why do you keep putting off this conversation, Jules?"
She drew up to her full height which meant she still had to look up at him. "Why do you keep making this such a big deal? Fine, you're in such a hurry for this little heart to heart, you go tell Spike and the others why we aren't coming. Go tell them that I've been pissed off all day because you thought there was nothing wrong with groping another woman right in front of me. Tell them how insignificant I felt watching you and her."
Once again she opened her locker and grabbed her towel and a change of clothes. "I'm going to take a shower and get changed."
As she strode angrily toward the shower, Sam just stood there watching her. Finally he turned and left the locker room.
After she had showered and dressed, Jules returned to the locker area and put her things away. Her anger had cooled while standing under the spray of water. She regretted blowing up at Sam the way she had. She really didn't want things to escalate into some sort of shouting match. She'd been nursing her hurt all afternoon and the idea of unwinding a little, maybe mellowing out slightly with the help of a beer or two, before confronting that hurt had appealed to her. Instead of calmly explaining that to Sam, she'd done exactly what she hadn't wanted to do all day.
Stepping out of the locker room, she looked around to see if Sam was standing around waiting for her. When she didn't see him, she went to the guys locker room to find him. She'd apologize for blowing up and explain a little more calmly why she needed the down time with the team before they went home.
Before anyone realized she was there, she overheard some of the conversation going on. It made her stop in her tracks. She usually wasn't one for eavesdropping but she couldn't approach and she couldn't back away.
"How do you do it, Sam?" Raf's voice was quiet but easy to understand.
"Do what?" Sam's voice just sounded tired. Or was it defeated? Jules couldn't tell.
"Get all the ladies after you. I mean a few months ago when that explosion trapped the three of us in the building, I thought it was the shock of her injuries mixed with a little hero worship that had that girl that was pinned under the debris making googly eyes with you."
"Rania." Spike supplied the name. "She really did have a thing for Samtastic. Winnie told me she called here every day, sometimes several times a day, for about two weeks trying to talk to him. At the time I thought maybe Sam had hit his head a little harder than we all thought for not taking her calls or going to see her. She was pretty hot even all banged up like she was. I'm sure she would have been all to happy to show Sam how grateful she was for him saving her life."
Raf chuckled. "Yeah, even pinned down, she wanted to check out his 'gear.' Too bad you were in the Sierra position on that first warrant call today, Sam. Who knows what might have happened if the woman with Douglas this afternoon had gotten a look at you. She might have given a whole new meaning to the term."
"Guys, stuff it." There was a warning edge to his voice. "It's not funny."
"Yeah, Raf. You're forgetting about Jules. Sam can't look at other women like that." Spike reminded their team mate.
"Lay off. Both of you." Sam barked sharply. "Being with Jules doesn't mean I can't look at other women…."
Jules turned and fled the locker room without hearing the rest of Sam's statement. She didn't need to know the rest. She'd already witnessed how he felt on the subject. She fled past the dispatcher's desk, ignoring Winnie's friendly call. She took the stairs two at a time and burst out of the building without a backward glance. She went straight to her Jeep and climbed into the driver's seat. Ignoring the fact that this would be two days in a row that she'd fled HQ upset, Jules pulled out of her parking place.
This time she didn't drive around aimlessly. She went straight home and once inside went straight to the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, she grabbed a beer. Her hand was shaking as she started to open the glass bottle. Looking at the drink, she shook her head and returned it to the refrigerator. In its place she grabbed a bottle of juice and downed half the bottle in one long swallow. She set the bottle on the counter and went to the back door. She needed the fresh air to clear her head.
She wasn't sure how long she'd been just standing in the middle of the yard when Sam came out the back door. He reached out and touched her shoulder, gently turning her toward him. He frowned.
"You left me."
She shrugged woodenly. Sam sighed. "Why? I thought you wanted to go unwind with everyone. We came out of the locker room and Winnie said you flew out like the devil himself was chasing you. I was afraid something might have happened to your dad or something. I got Spike to drop me off here so I could get my bike to check on you. I was surprised when I saw your Jeep in the driveway."
Again she shrugged. "You should have gone on to the Goose with the guys."
"You were the one who wanted to go out. If you remember, I was the one who wanted to come home."
"I changed my mind. I didn't want to cramp your style with the ladies."
Sam's jaw dropped. "What ladies? What the hell are you talking about?" Then realization hit him. "You heard the guys razzing me in the locker room. Jules, they were just being jerks. It didn't mean anything."
She stepped away from him and returned to the house. He followed behind her and caught up with her in the living room. She spun to face him, her eyes red but suspiciously dry. "Hearing you say you could look at other women meant something Sam."
Sam looked confused. "I never said that. I would never say that."
Jules's eyes narrowed. "I heard you Sam. You told them that being with me didn't mean you couldn't look at other women."
Sam reached out and took her hand and pulled her close. "You must have left before I finished my statement. I did say that but then I added that it meant I didn't want to look at any other woman. Seriously Jules. No other woman could ever hold a candle to you. I don't want or need anyone else because I've already found the person I need and want. You."
At any other time his admission probably would have turned her to putty, but she couldn't forget the way his arms had closed around Janice Fredline earlier. "It didn't look that way this morning. I know women fall over themselves over you. Look at you, how could they not? I've gotten used to it. But today you reciprocated. I was right there and yet you had your arms around her like she was the woman you wanted to take home to bed."
Sam ran his hand through his hair. How could he make her see? "Jules, I already explained all that. It wasn't because I wanted to. I took advantage of the situation for the sake of the call. I never meant to hurt you. I thought you above anyone would have realized that. I thought you trusted me."
Once again Jules paled. She could feel her heart pounding and her palms felt clammy. The hurt in his voice as he made that last statement was like a knife to her heart. Trust. It came back to that. As many times as she told him and herself that she trusted him, her actions were once again saying something else. Despite what her eyes had been telling her at the scene, her heart should have just as loudly shouted there had to be more to the story. Sam had never given her a reason to doubt his love for her. Why hadn't she trusted him.
Feeling as if the room was closing in around her, she turned and fled up the stairs. Sam was right on her heels. Once in the bedroom where Sam had proven over and over again that he loved her, he put his arms around her and turned her so that she had to look at him. "Don't shut me out, Jules. We off shift and we're home. We've got to work through this now. What upset you so much about today that you couldn't trust what you knew to be true?"
Jules took a deep breath. She'd put it off for as long as she could but now she had to bare her soul. She owed it to Sam to be truthful, no matter how much it hurt. "Did you look at her, Sam? She was perfect. Beautiful and well put together. Everything I'll never be and everything you deserve. How can I compete with that?"
"You can't." Sam told her without hesitation and pulled her closer. "You can't because there is no competition. I don't care what she looked like or how well put together she seemed. She could never hold a candle to you. I don't look at other women because none of them could ever compare to what I have right here and right now in my arms. I wish I could make you understand that."
As if to lead credence to his words, Sam lowered his head so he could kiss her. At first she stayed rigid in his arms but then she slowly relaxed in his embrace. Desperate to make her believe what he was telling her, he reached for the hem of her shirt. He didn't remove the garment but let his hands slip beneath it. His fingers skimmed up her bare back as he deepened the kiss.
Jules made a throaty sound that only encouraged him further. Without a second thought, his fingers made short work of the fastener on her bra, loosening the garment. Then his hands slid around her body to cup the soft swells of her breast. The only thing on his mind was showing and convincing her that she was the only woman he needed or wanted. Wanted her to see just how much he desired her body. He pressed even closer to her so that she could feel the growing bulge of his arousal.
As much as Jules wanted to lose herself in the sensations he was creating in her. However, her mind, already so overloaded with the emotions of the day, wouldn't turn off. Once again memories refused to be ignored.
You have to decide what your normal looks like. Define it in clear terms that both you and Sam can accept. If you don't, then how do you know if you've achieved 'normal'?
You've got to know your limitations as well as your desires. Neither of those are weaknesses. You also have to know Sam's as well. This isn't about you and him separately but as a couple.
The things that Johnny told you I did to him. The things he made me do to him all those years ago. Do you ever wish I'd do those things for you?
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't something I've enjoyed in the past. I don't think there's a guy who doesn't.
Jules whimpered against Sam's kiss but this time it wasn't from need. The sexual act they'd interrupted while serving the warrant, if the reactions of the guys were any indication, was pretty well the normal she claimed she wanted. It was something that Sam would want. She'd once said she thought she was ready but now she wasn't so sure she'd ever get to that point. How fair was it to make Sam suffer because of her limitations? How fair was it to herself to push herself into something she might never be ready for? She was so confused and Sam's hands and mouth were just increasing that confusion, making it harder and harder for her to think.
Her hands came up and moved Sam's hands off her breasts at the same time she broke off the kiss. He looked at her, confused and maybe even a little hurt. It made her feel even guiltier about what she was about to do.
"Sam, I need you to leave." Jules pushed him away with not only her words but with her hands as well.
Sam lowered his head; he realized he'd probably overstepped the boundaries a little. "Fine, if that's what you need, I'll go downstairs for a little while."
Jules shook her head. "That's not what I mean. Not the room but the house."
Feeling as if he'd been sucker punched, Sam took another step backward. "Jules, Sweetheart, don't do this." His voice was thick with emotion and there was a pleading in it that couldn't be hidden. A plea that would normally embarrass him to hear in his own voice but not on something this important. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. We can work this out. I know we can. Don't send me away."
He wasn't sure what all he was apologizing for, touching her where he knew she still wasn't completely comfortable being touched, his actions earlier, something she still hadn't voiced that was upsetting her. He'd apologize for anything so long as it didn't mean her pushing him away.
Big, fat tears ran down Jules's cheeks and she didn't bother to try to wipe them away. She wrapped her arms around herself as if trying to ward off a chill. "Please don't make this harder than it is. I love you Sam; I really do. Nothing has changed that. As much as you weren't trying to hurt me earlier, I'm not trying to hurt you now. I just have things I have to figure out, get straight in my head. I can't do that with you here."
Looking into his face and seeing the pain reflecting in his eyes, Jules felt horrible, worse than she'd felt all day. He started to take a step closer to her and she knew he wanted to take her in his arms, wipe her tears away, and make her feel better. Like he'd been trying to do just moments earlier when he'd kissed her. Knowing if he did any of those things, her resolve would weaken and she'd give in, Jules took two steps back to increase the distance between them. She shook her head.
"You can't fix this Sam. I'm not sure I can either, but I have to try. I'm not breaking things off; I couldn't do that even if I wanted to - which I don't. I need you too much. But at the same time, I need space. Not forever but just for a little while. Please, give me this time even if it's not what you want to do."
For a moment Sam was transported back a couple of years and he was sitting across from Jules at the coffee shop listening as she broke up with him. It was one of the worst moments of his life. But then most of his worst moments revolved around Jules, just as all of his best moments ever did. He shook his head. "Jules, I walked away from you one time because we didn't really have much choice. When I got a second chance with you, I swore I wouldn't lose you again, no matter the price. I swore I'd fight to have you in my life because you're that important to me."
Jules seemed to almost wilt in front of him. "Don't you see, Sam; I'm asking for this time so you don't lose me. I want to be the woman you deserve to have in your life and I know I'm not even close to being her right now. I never have been but I just never knew just how badly I wasn't."
Her request for him to move out had felt like a sucker punch but this admission sent him to his knees. This wasn't the first time she'd made some sort of comment about him deserving more but he'd always chalked it up to some sense of modesty and shyness about her own feminine allure. Even today as she'd confessed to being inferior to someone like Janice Fredline, he hadn't realized just how serious she'd been. As confident as she was in every other aspect of her life, it was hard to believe she could seriously question herself in any aspect. Suddenly, her statement mixed with her earlier admission about why his actions with Janice earlier had upset her so much made him realize for the first time just how much she actually doubted her ability to be a woman worthy of his love and devotion. Probably doubted her ability to be a woman worthy of any man's love and devotion.
His hatred for the man who had planted those seeds of doubt in her innocent teenage mind grew to new heights. He hadn't thought it was possible to hate him any more than he already did, but he realized he could. Again he stepped closer and didn't stop as she continued to back up for every step he made. He kept moving closer until her back was to the wall and she couldn't move away from him any more. He pressed his body close to hers and planted his hands on the wall next to her so she couldn't slide away. He was taking her at her word that she trusted him implicitly not to ever hurt her and that him trapping her this way wouldn't trigger a bad reaction.
He lowered his head as if to once more capture her mouth with his, to let his kiss drive her doubts away. Instead he hovered just millimeters shy of his goal. "Jules, understand this. I love you, the you you've always been, the you you are right now, the you you're working to be. You and only you. Now and forever. Nothing will ever change that."
Without giving her a chance to respond or argue, his mouth gently pressed against hers. Her lips parted slightly to allow his tongue entrance and her hands clenched into fists as she grabbed hold of his shirt. His body molded itself over hers so there was practically no part of her front side that he wasn't touching. There wasn't any way she could doubt how she made him feel.
Even when he finally pulled back, he didn't allow much distance between their bodies. He was close enough that he could feel her heart beating rapidly and her warm breath against his skin. Her eyes were downcast refusing to meet his. She licked her lips as if savoring the feel of him kissing her. Her words were barely audible despite the proximity of their bodies. "Then give me this time. Please, Sam, don't make this harder than it already is."
Without a word, Sam moved away from her. He went to the closet and pulled out a duffle bag. Banging drawers around like they were the cause of his distress, Sam grabbed several changes of clothes and threw them into the bag. He disappeared into the bathroom and she could hear him rummaging around in there. He emerged a few moments later with his shaving bag bulging with the toiletries he'd gathered from there. He didn't so much as look her way as he tossed it into the duffle bag. When he zipped the bag and slung the strap over his shoulder, Jules almost called his name to stop him.
The word died in her throat and she stood there and watched as he left the bedroom. When she heard the front door slam and knew he'd left, she slid down the wall to slump on the floor. She buried her head against her raised knees, too upset to even cry. He'd given her what she asked for- what she'd claimed she needed. So why did it feel so wrong?