Dean walked with Cas after class towards Dean's apartment.

"How have you not watched Doctor Who?" Dean asked, shocked to no end. This was completely inexcusable. Cas, his lovely best friend, had not seen a dalek or a sonic screwdriver or Gallifrey. Unacceptable. Cas only shrugged in response.

Dean said, "We're watching it when we get home."

He froze.

"My place," he corrected, "When we get to my place."

Cas smiled at him, his heart stopped, and his phone rang.

"Sorry," Dean said to Cas as he answered his phone.

"Hello?" he said into his phone.

"Dean," Lisa said, "Thank god. I didn't think you'd answer." Cas glanced at Dean as he felt the blood drain from his face. Lisa. Oh, God.

"Lisa," he replied, half to answer Cas' questioning gaze and half to say something to Lisa without actually saying anything. Cas nodded, his smile faltering slightly.

"I'll meet you at your place," he said.

Dean mouthed "Thank you" as Lisa said, "Listen, Dean. We need to talk."

Dean watched Cas walk away and asked, "About what?"

"Us."

Dean's stomach dropped. He ran his hand through his hair and turned around on the sidewalk.

"Lis—" he said.

She interrupted, "You should come over. We should really talk in person." He started walking away from his apartment. He could see Ben. He walked faster.

"No," he said.

She sighed, "Dean." He couldn't handle seeing Ben. He didn't want to know what Lisa told him about why Dean wasn't around. He just wanted to let go.

"No," he said, "Just tell me what you have to say."

"Dean, it would be better in person—"

"Tell me. It's hard enough talking to you without drawing it out," he said. He couldn't go to Lisa's. He wouldn't be able to handle it, and he knew it.

"Fine. I want to get back together."

Dean walked faster, tempted to break into an all-out run. His head spun. He couldn't do that. He'd have his family back. It wasn't worth it. He had a family, didn't he? He'd see Ben. No, he'd hurt Ben. He and Lisa would fall apart.

At his silence, she said, "It was good to take a break, but we can work through this." No, they couldn't. It'd be something else, something completely different, but something would break them. No matter what they did, the end would come again and again.

"No," Dean said.

"But, Dean," she said, pleading, "We're family."

Dean shut his eyes and stopped. He leaned against the nearest building. Normally, that would've gotten him to say yes. But nothing was normal anymore. And his family was at his apartment waiting to watch Doctor Who with him whether he knew he was family or not. Whether Dean thought of him as more than a friend or not.

"I said no, Lisa," he said, proud of the strength in his voice. If his heart was taking, his words would have waivered much more.

He snapped his phone shut and resisted throwing it against the sidewalk. As he got back to walking, he realized just how raw he felt. He was a walking nerve ending. Much too raw to see Cas yet. He still wasn't sure about telling him how he felt. The possibility of rejection scared him more than his feelings at this point. Still, it stopped him from coming clean.

He texted Cas quickly, "Everything's fine. I need to relax for a bit. Be there in an hour. Sorry." He felt bad, but he figured it was better than leaving him hanging. Hopefully, Sam would play host for a bit. And Charlie liked Cas enough. God, he needed a drink. Without waiting for a reply, he headed for the Roadhouse.

Three drinks in, Benny sat down with Dean at his unusually empty booth.

"How's it goin, brother?" he asked. His voice was filled with southern nonchalance, but Dean wasn't quite drunk enough to miss the note of concern.

"It's going," Dean replied, taking a large gulp of beer.

"Surprised to see you on your own," Benny said, "Trouble at home?"

Dean shook his head, "They don't know I'm here."

"Ah, well, that'd explain it," Benny replied. He nodded to Jo behind the bar. She scooted around Bobby and Ellen, where they were wiping mugs, and grabbed the phone off the wall.

"The hell, Benny?" Dean asked.

His friend sat back and said, "Only time you come in here by yourself drinking is if you're hurting bad. Your family don't know you're here? Something's wrong, and brother, I ain't watching you do this to yourself."

Dean grumbled and sipped his drink. He ordered a round of shots while he waited for Sam to drag him home. Benny sat with him in silence. It was a comfortable quiet. He could tell Benny was willing to listen if Dean wanted to talk.

He wanted to tell Benny about Lisa calling, about missing Ben, about liking Cas, about how things with Lisa slowly died, about how he didn't think he could hold a stable relationship with anyone, and even about how much he missed his dad. But he didn't. Honestly, no one needed to know this stuff. This was his shit, he'd deal with it.

It came as a serious shock to a slightly tipsy Dean when Cas, not Sam, was directed to him by Jo. Benny got up, squeezed Dean's shoulder, and went to talk with Ellen and Jo, giving Cas and Dean some space. Maybe he knew that Dean would talk to Cas. Maybe he knew Dean had feelings for Cas. Either way, he desperately wanted Benny to stay. He didn't want to have this conversation. Cas' electric blue eyes were already on Dean in a too intense way.

"What's going on, Dean?" Cas asked. There was edge to Cas' voice that Dean couldn't place. But it was hard and dangerous.

"Lisa called," Dean explained.

"I know. I was there."

"It sucked."

"So you get drunk," Cas said, "And ditch me. Makes perfect sense." Dean put his drink on the table and sighed in frustration. He didn't need this. He felt bad enough.

"You don't get it, Cas," Dean said. Cas moved around the table to sit next to Dean.

He said, "Explain it to me." His blue eyes were on fire. Like lightning filled his irises. Dean swallowed. They were sitting very close. He tried to function.

"She wanted to get back together," Dean said, "But I can't." Cas seemed to visibly soften. That was just unfair. Dean was on the verge of sitting on his hands just so he wouldn't reach out and touch him.

"Why?" Cas asked.

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you take her back?" he asked.

Cas really needed to stop staring at him like that. He tried to focus on Jo, Ellen, Bobby, and Benny over at the bar.

"I don't love her anymore," Dean said, "I've told you that."

Cas nodded, "Yes, but I know how much you miss Ben." Dean reached for his drink, but Cas stopped him. He placed his hand over Dean's and held the bottle to the table.

"Don't drink," Cas said, "Talk to me."

He was struggling too much with breathing to worry about talking. Cas kept his hand over Dean's.

Dean replied finally, "Yeah, I miss Ben, but Lisa and I don't work. It'd just hurt him."

"How do you know?" Cas asked. Was Cas telling him to get back together with Lisa? That's definitely how Dean was hearing it.

"Can I have this?" Dean asked, moving his hand beneath Cas' to indicate the beer.

Cas said, "No. Talking, not drinking." Dean tried to give Cas a frustrated expression, but it was half-hearted at best.

"I hurt everything," Dean answered, "Ben is no exception." Cas' hand was warm and rough and was giving Dean's dreams even more ammunition. He wanted those hands on him.

"No, you don't. You haven't hurt me," Cas said evenly.

"Yet," Dean added.

Cas took Dean's hand from the beer bottle and wrapped it in his. Why was he doing this? Cas held Dean's hand in both of his and met his eyes with such sincerity that Dean almost looked away.

"I don't think you'll hurt me, Dean," Cas said softly. He couldn't do this. They were so close. Their legs were almost touching.

"Cas," Dean said, trying to keep some composure. He knew it. He couldn't do it. He reached his free hand up to Cas' face. He brushed a thumb over his cheek as he cradled his friend's face.

"I'm sorry," Dean said. He leaned in a caught Cas in a full deep kiss.

Dean was sorry. He was sorry for being a shitty friend. He was sorry he had feelings for Cas. It meant he was going to hurt him, and he was sorry for that, too. He was sorry for being a part of Cas' life at all. He pulled his hand free of Cas', which had gone slack presumably from shock, and ran his hand through Cas' hair. He was sorry he wasn't the person Castiel deserved.

Cas broke the kiss first. Dean's hazy mind screamed at him. What the fuck did he just do? It had to have been something awesome since his lips were still tingling deliciously. Did he really just—

Reality came crashing in. He kissed Cas. Oh God. Cas stared at him, eyes full of shock and confusion. Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod.

"Dean," Cas said. The depth of his voice was too much. He kissed Cas. He hadn't even told him how he felt. And he just went and…holy shit.

"I'm sorry," Dean said again, quickly. He kissed Cas, and he'd ruined everything. Like always. Shit. He got up from the table and all but ran out the door.