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karenec, LJ Summers, and jakeward are our fantastic beta's. Thank you for all you do. You ladies rock our socks!
Chapter Thirteen: Reminiscing
After my breakdown in the shower, I dried off and wrapped myself in my warmest pair of pajamas. There was a cold, aching loneliness I couldn't seem to shake. I felt like I would never warm up. I crawled into bed, and picked up the journal I had left on my nightstand. In some ways, reading my journals made it harder to be away from Riley, they were also comforting. And despite the fact that I couldn't read them without crying, they were the only way I could still hold him close to me. The phone call from Riley had interrupted my reading the other day and I opened the journal to where I had tucked the ribbon bookmark.
There were endless entries detailing frustrations with class and the lack of time Riley and I had for each other, but I stopped when I reached February of my freshman year of college.
February 16, 2001
Riley is amazing. He planned a weekend away for us to celebrate Valentine's Day. We had a long, serious talk too. Not the scary "we might break up" kind of talk. But we talked about our future. He got all serious and told me he wants to marry me one day. We've talked about it kind of obliquely in the past, but he'd never actually said the words before. We want to get our lives in order before we get married. There are already so many pressures in our lives with school. For right now, we're content with the way things are. It will happen one day, so the timing doesn't really matter. We have each other now, and that's what matters.
March 28, 2001
I'm pissed at Riley. I've been studying like crazy, and it's been almost two weeks since we've been able to be alone together. Chris was going to be gone for the weekend so we were supposed to spend Friday night at his dorm room-just the two of us. But when I got there, Brandon and Eric were there watching basketball. I was so angry that when I walked in the door and saw them there, I just turned around and walked away. Riley didn't even follow me. I went back to my dorm and shut off my phone. I know I probably overreacting, but it hurt. And I wanted some time alone with him so badly. It was just about all that got me through the week, and to find out that he didn't even care... it hurts. I think I've gone through half a box of Kleenex crying. Ugh. I should just go to sleep. Maybe everything will make more sense in the morning.
March 29, 2001
All right, I feel kind of bad now. I woke up around two a.m. to Riley pounding on my door. He begged me to come back to his room to talk, and he looked so frantic, I couldn't say no. Apparently, he didn't see me show up at his dorm and hadn't actually forgotten, so I can't really be that pissed. I think we both overreacted to a silly miscommunication. It was weird, it's the first real fight we've had. And it probably won't be the last. But I guess all things considered, it's not so bad. At least we know we can fight and make up.
May 8, 2011
The summer should be good. There are two summer sections for classes and I'm just taking a single class per section, and then working a few hours a week at some law office. Unfortunately, it's not the same one Riley is at. He's going back to the one he worked for last year and interning again. They didn't have any openings for me, but Charlie set me up with someone he knows. It's pretty awesome. It's only twenty hours a week, and really all I'll be doing is filing and running to get coffee for people. But I'm excited, and it's one more thing to put on my resume. I have this mental checklist for my life and I just keep ticking off things. Every check mark gets me closer to my real goals. A job at Swan and Volturi, marrying Riley, and having a family with him.
I continued to skim through the journal, knowing that most of it was the same thing. My frustration with never having enough time with Riley, pressures from my course load, and how much I loved him. There were a few more fights, too. Nothing serious, just minor frustrations we had taken out on each other. Frustrations with my mother, too, as we grew further apart.
June 9, 2001
I went home yesterday to visit my parents. It had been months since I'd been home and I was shocked when I saw my mother. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around all of the surgery she's had. We talked for a long time and I feel like the more years go by, the further and further she and I are. I feel like I don't even know her anymore.
I reached the end of that journal and began the next one. I skimmed through most of it. My final year of college was mostly furious preparation for the LSATS, applications to grad school, and a mountain of course work that had me frequently in tears.
March 30, 2003
Riley and I both got in to Georgetown. Holy shit, I am so excited. I can't even believe it. It's such an amazing school. I love California, but it'll be nice to explore a little more of the country. The best part about going to Georgetown is that Riley and I will be there together. I'm waiting to tell my parents, but we're going to move in together. God, I am so excited. I hate sleeping apart from him. And even though we were usually together at either his place or mine, it's not the same. This is kind of a huge commitment, and I have been looking forward to it for so long.
July 12, 2003
Mother is very, very angry that Riley and I are moving in together when we leave for Georgetown. Dad is fine with it. He's always fine with anything, if it makes me happy. It's not like I go around making rash decisions, so he knows that if I choose something, it's because it's important to me. He told me he'd try to help soften her up to the idea. It's not like she'll stop him from paying for my tuition and apartment, so what is she going to do? Yell a lot? That's nothing new.
Sometimes I feel like nothing is ever good enough. I'll never be perfect enough, never live up to the ideals she has for me. And Dad, he's just proud of who I am. I'm in one of the top law schools in the country, I'm in a happy, committed relationship with someone she adores, what more could she want from me? I feel horrible saying this, but sometimes I wonder if she's jealous of me in some way. For being independent. I know she never made a decision in her life without consulting her own mother. But I'm not that person. If I were to go to anyone, it would be Dad. We're so close, and maybe she's jealous of that, too. I spent more time with him than I do her. I don't know.
She says moving in with Riley looks bad, and that we should get married first. I want to marry Riley, but we're both trying to get our lives in order first. But according to her it doesn't project the right image. Is it so wrong to want to make a mature, adult decision about our careers?
I think what frustrates me the most, is her idea that I should be the one to give up my career for him. My mother seems to think that the minute we get married and have children I'll quit anyway. I want to be a mother, I really do, but why is it so hard for her to understand that I want a career, too? I know it won't be easy finding the right balance, and law isn't exactly the easiest field to try to juggle a family with, but doesn't she have any faith in me? I just keep reminding myself that Riley is supportive and he's just as committed as I am. We've had the serious discussions about having children. He wants them, too, but he doesn't expect me to give up the rest of who I am just to make that happen. He's willing to make some sacrifices, and I really think we can do it.
Before I knew it, it was three a.m. and I found myself nodding off. With a yawn, I set the journal aside and turned out the light, thoughts of Riley still running through my mind. The morning would come too early, and I knew I would be exhausted the following day.
~LTOYL~
Monday morning began badly. I was exhausted, having hardly slept at all the night before, and although I'd finally dozed fitfully for an hour or two, it wasn't restful. I had been too tired even to run, and that was never a good sign.
Dressing in my usual work attire, I managed to straighten my hair and pin it up but when I sat down to apply my makeup I stared at myself blankly in the mirror. My eyes were red and irritated from lack of sleep and I looked worn down. Reaching for a bottle of eye drops, I used a few hoping they would make my eyes feel less gritty and reduce the redness. I smoothed on moisturizer, noticing every little imperfection in my skin and the tiny wrinkles that had begun to form around my eyes. I watched myself yawn in the mirror and knew I'd have to struggle to even make it through the day.
Once I'd put on enough makeup to hide my dark circles and give my face a little color, I dragged myself through the rest of my morning routine. I pulled my bed together and half-heartedly tidied my room. Deciding that I lacked the usual energy to walk to work, I drove instead. I hadn't taken time off since the week Riley left, but by the time I made it in to the office, I was wishing I'd called in sick. I sat in my car in the parking garage of the office building I worked in, trying to muster up the energy to head up to the office. On the way, I stopped at the coffee shop in the building and ordered my usual latte, but with an extra shot of espresso, and sipped it gratefully while I waited for the elevator to get up to my floor. I pushed my way through the crowd of people and just as I reached the elevator doors, the girl heading into the elevator bumped in to me. The lid on the coffee cup came loose and coffee splashed all over me. I drew in my breath sharply at the feel of the hot liquid scorching my skin. The girl apologized and although my first instinct was to snap at her, I bit my tongue and pushed past her without another word.
Struggling to get the lid back on the coffee cup and pull my now sopping-wet shirt away from my tender skin, I made my way into the door of the office. Alec looked up from where he had been leaning over Bree's desk—presumably flirting—and smirked at me.
"You know, you might want to make a little more effort with your appearance, Bella. Image is everything in this business."
I glared at him and Bree hurried around the corner to help me, taking my briefcase out of my hand before I could even protest.
"Aren't you coming in awfully late, too? Maybe you should think about taking some time off, Bella, you're really a mess these days," he added.
"Alec, if you know what's good for you, you will stop talking immediately," I hissed and brushed past him, Bree trotting along behind me. With both hands free, I was finally able to replace the lid; I looked down at my ruined blouse.
"Is there anything I can get you, Bella?" she asked worriedly.
"No. I'll be fine. I have a spare blouse in the office and I think the coffee will wipe right off of the fabric of my suit. I'll just have to send it to the cleaners this week. You didn't have to get my briefcase, by the way."
"Honestly, I was looking for an excuse to get away from Alec. He's so creepy," she whispered to me.
When we were in my office, I pulled the door closed behind me and turned to her. "He hasn't said or done anything inappropriate, has he?"
"No, nothing like that," she reassured me. "He just makes me uncomfortable. It's nothing he says or does... he just gives me the willies."
"Promise you'll tell me if he ever does, all right?"
"Of course." She smiled at me. "And let me know if you need anything else today, okay?"
"I will. Thanks, Bree; you're a lifesaver."
I grabbed the spare blouse I kept on hand in my office and made my way to the restroom. I changed quickly, grateful that it was a single stall restroom with a locking door. I wiped the coffee from my skin and did my best to wipe it from the cream-colored lace of my bra. I was able to clean up the jacket fairly well and, thankfully, the black fabric didn't show the stains. Once I was re-dressed, I smoothed my hair and carried my stained blouse back to my office.
Exhausted and frustrated, I put my head down on my desk, nearly wanting to cry. It wasn't until I heard Lauren's cheap, unbalance heels clicking across the floor that I decided the day was just going to be a complete disaster.
"Bella, I have your messages—" Lauren called out just outside of my door and I held up my finger to stop her. She ignored it of course, and with an annoyed huff she dropped a stack of messages on my desk and left. My phone buzzed in my bag where it was resting on my desk and I sat up and dug out. Irritated, I glanced at the screen and was surprised to see a text message from Riley.
How was the BBQ yesterday?
I frowned, wondering how Riley even knew about the barbecue. I certainly hadn't mentioned it to him. Had someone told him I had taken a date?
Fine. Hated being there without you though.
A moment passed and my phone buzzed again. They were always so fun. Mom said you seemed to be having a good time though.
What is that supposed to mean? How would she know?
As soon as I sent the text, I regretted it. I knew I was just being overly sensitive and jumping to conclusions. Riley wasn't accusing me of anything; I was the one who felt guilty for taking Edward.
You know our mothers discuss everything. I heard about your date.
At the sight of his words, I felt my stomach drop. I couldn't reply quick enough so, bewildered and slightly panicked, I called him.
The moment he answered, I spoke. "Hey."
"Hey." His voice sounded strained.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"... Are you upset that I took someone to the barbecue yesterday?"
"I'm not upset," he said, then I heard him sigh. "Fine, yes, I'm hurt that someone else was there with you, when it should have been me."
"It should have been you." My tone was soft and I could feel that familiar ache starting to burn in my chest. We had had similar conversations to this before and it always left me feeling the same: missing Riley. "I invited him because I didn't want to go alone."
"Who is he?" Riley was slightly hesitant in his question but his tone was light. I could tell he was choosing his words carefully.
"Just some guy I know. He's a curator at the Museum."
"Are you dating him?"
"What? No! He was just a plus-one," I lied. I immediately felt guilty for lying to Riley; I'd always been honest with him about everything. But how could I explain to Riley what Edward was to me? I didn't understand it myself. I didn't know what Renee and Riley's mom had discussed, but I suddenly felt furious with her.
"Paddle boat rides sound awfully cozy for someone who was just supposed to be a plus-one."
"Paddle boat rides? Jesus, you really had a conversation about that with your mother?"
"Clearly, you wouldn't have told me." He was getting annoyed, I could tell by the tone of his voice.
"There's nothing to tell, Riley. Edward came with me because I didn't want to be there by myself. If you want the truth, he took me around the lake and then I asked him to bring me home. All I could think about was last year, when we were talking about getting married and about how much I wanted you to be here with me." My breath caught in my throat and I tried not to let out a sob.
"Bella, babe, I'm sorry. I just hated the idea of someone else there with you. I want to be the one there with you. If things had gone the way we'd planned, we'd be married and in a few years we'd be bringing a child. It kills me to think of you there with someone else."
His words were a knife to my heart. I wanted all that, too. And yet knew it was no longer even a possibility. I couldn't leave my father's firm in the hands of Alec and watch him destroy all my father and grandfather had worked so hard to build. Riley's career was taking off in Washington D.C. and the thought of trying to make a marriage work and raise a family on opposite coasts was impossible. What kind of life would that be for our children? For us. No, as much as it tore me apart, we had made the right decision.
We had been down this road now so many times now and I didn't have it in me today to relive the past seven months. I couldn't help the venom that snapped with my words. "Do you think I wanted to be there with him instead of you, Riley? He won't ever be you."
"Are you going out with him again?"
"I doubt it," I said. "But honestly, Riley, are you really telling me you've never taken a woman to an event since you've been in D.C.?" It was a conversation we had never had and I really didn't want to get into it—now of all times—but the words just tumbled out.
He expelled a large breath. "Fuck, Bella... I have. But they haven't meant anything to me."
"Well, this was the exact same thing. Why are you interrogating me about this?"
"Because I'm jealous, babe. I hate the idea of any man in your life, in any capacity. I know it's ridiculous but there it is."
"Well, I hate the idea of another woman in yours. I haven't asked if you've dated anyone else, because I can't bear the thought. But I have to be realistic. We're not together anymore."
"I know, baby," he said softly. "And I hate it."
"Me, too."
We sat there in silence for a long time and then he finally spoke. "I shouldn't have said what I did; I wasn't being fair to you."
"Well, I wasn't fair to you either. This situation . . . it's not easy. I think I took some of my frustration at my mother out on you, too."
"I swear I didn't call her or anything—about the barbecue I mean. I knew it was coming up and I had been thinking about it but my mother was the one who brought it up to me. Our mothers had lunch together and they talked about it."
"It didn't come up." I sighed. "I could almost guarantee that Renee deliberately invited your mother to lunch so she could tell her I was there with someone. She wanted your mother to tell you. All I can figure out is that she thinks if you're jealous, you'll 'forgive me' and come back."
"Bella, there is nothing to—"
I cut him off before he could speak. "I know, but you know Renee. She just doesn't understand. I really don't want to get into it, Riley. It really doesn't matter. She's not going to change." I just couldn't hear his sweet words and relive the emotions of our goodbye.
"I want to, you know," he said and my heart caught in my throat. "There's nothing more in the world that I want than to be back with you."
I closed my eyes, knowing that although he meant them, they weren't entirely true. There was one thing in the world he wanted more than to be with me. Riley loved me and although I had been the one to push him away, ultimately he had chosen his career.
"I know, Riley," I whispered.
Before we could say anything further, I disconnected the call and set my phone on my desk with shaking hands. I lay my head down on my desk and sobbed for a few moments.
Eventually, I pulled myself together and wiped at my face, removing the makeup that had smeared under my eyes. I slipped out of my office and into the restroom, laying cool compresses on my eyes to soothe the red and puffiness around my eyes. I took deep breaths while I waited for the irritation to subside, trying to pull myself together again.
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