So sorry to all my readers that it has taken this long for me to get this chapter to you. I've been through many humps, trials and tribulations, that and my muse finally decided to come back to me so I could write more than one page of this chapter before losing my train of thought for weeks.
Chapter 14: Lost and Maybe Found
I woke sometime later at least I thought I had. I was walking around and wasn't quite sure how that was even possible. I tried to stop walking, it didn't happen. I tried to scream, my mouth never opened. The fear that I had felt prior to blacking out washed over me again. I was slowly starting to understand what had happened to me. I had been taken over by a Goa'uld. Again I tried to scream to no avail. That was the first time I heard her speak to me in my mind.
"Calm down Doctor, I mean you no harm."
"Then leave my body, you can't have it, you have no right."
"I cannot do that. I chose you for my host, my host you shall remain. I will not subject to the cruel things that you read about my children nor am I benevolent like the Tok'Ra."
"Are you trying to tell me you are the mother of the Goa'uld?"
"In a way, I am one of many queens, however I did not agree with what some of my children did, pretending to act like gods and preform those unspeakable acts. I simply wish to live in a fashion of my choosing, you will benefit from this, I promise you."
"How can I benefit from an alien creature controlling my every move, my every action, my every word?"
"You will see in time. I will make your life the way it should be. You will see all that I have to offer."
"I don't want what you have to offer. Sooner or later the people here will figure out what has happened to me. You will be discovered. They'll notice the difference in me. You can't pretend to be me."
"I can for a time and slowly make changes to your life to suit me and what is best of a benefit for you."
"You can't do this to me. I have a life, a family, friends, a love. You have no right to take that away from me."
"Fight me if you wish Nicollette, only by grace of the so called God that you worship will you be free of me unless it is my choosing."
She refused to speak to me after that, it seemed to be too much of a distraction for her as it seemed she didn't have 100% percent control. Eventually I felt myself feel mentally exhausted from trying to fight her, to regain control of my body, I gave up, I would bide my time and would regain my body, I was sure of it.
Months later I still had no control of myself. My brother hardly spoke to me anymore, Evan gave me cold looks, Teyla, Ronon, Jennifer, Rodney and the majority of my friends kept their distance from me, speaking to me only when it was necessary. She said she was a benefit? Not at all, she destroyed my life so much to the point that I was being transferred back to Earth.
Here, she stood, standing in my quarters, packing my things. At least what she wanted of my things. My drawings, the many compositions I had, my violin, all sat on the small chair, not being touched. Johnny came into my quarters shortly before she finished packing my things.
"Colette, I don't know what changed in you over the last few months, but I don't like it. I think you're going back to Earth is a good thing. It might help you remember who is important to you and how much you cared about the people you hurt."
"Doubtful John, but I appreciate your want to have the sister you grew accustomed to. I couldn't pretend anymore."
"So you pretended to care about Lorne?"
"No, that was real, I just couldn't handle it."
"I don't understand what happened to you, how you got to be this person who is malicious and not who you were at all."
"People change John, things change people. It was a sweet attempt at us being close, but it wasn't meant for us to be this close. We never truly were. It's time you understood that. Dave clearly does. We were not supposed to be family."
"You have never agreed with the fact that Dave has never accepted you as a Sheppard."
"Only by default at the genetic level was I a Sheppard, never more than that."
"Why didn't you pack your music and things?"
"I gave up on all that. Haven't touched it for months nor have I wanted to."
"Now I know there really is something wrong with you. Your music and art has been the most important thing to you until you met Lorne. There is no way my sister would walk away from it. "
"I did, now if you don't mind, I am due to return to Earth shortly."
"Knock it off Colette, you know full well that if I chose to I can prevent you from returning to Earth."
"You wouldn't do that though, you know you wouldn't."
"You are right about that, you aren't the only one that needs a break from this place."
It hurt to hear Johnny say that, though I knew he wasn't actually telling me, but that thing that had control of me. I knew though that had it been me saying and doing all the things that she made me do, that Johnny would have been saying the same words to me, which I think hurt more. How could Johnny ever truly believe that I was really doing all those things of my own volition? It was honestly absurd. Johnny knew me better than that, always had. I also could grasp how he actually believed that I would agree with anything that Dave had said or did. He was the brother that never wanted me for a sister because it ruined his perfect little world, yet he believed it. It was astounding the things this creature had done to my life. She ruined it to the point where she had my own brother questioning if I was really ever the person who knew. Had I control over my own body I would have had tears flowing from my eyes. Evan had changed me for the better, I showed emotion a little bit more and at first, Johnny had slowly started to show more emotion, not around anyone under his command, with the exception of his team and Evan. Now all that was ruined and I found myself hoping to be rid of her one day so I could have my brother back and the man that I loved more than the air I breathed.
Over the last few months many things had happened. I thought that I would have been able to fight her and regain control of my body, especially that day she destroyed the man that I loved. It had just been a typical day on base, with the exception that Evan had just been cleared for active duty. She played like she was happy to see him completely healed and able to go about doing his proper job on base. Later that afternoon, when he talked about the mission that he would be going on the next day, she freaked out on him. I tried to no avail to yell at him, to tell him the words coming out of my mouth weren't mine. That I was happy for him to be able to do his job, to go on mission, but of course I was unable to tell him that. I screamed, yelled, cried and sobbed through my own head for days over what she did. She told him that I couldn't be with someone who was risking their lives, that the worry and stress it brought on, even just thinking about him being back out on off-world mission brought a sense of foreboding over me. She utterly destroyed me then. I gave up on that day of ever regaining control. Part of me still wanted to bide my time, to let her slip up, but she already knew that. I resigned myself to being stuck like this for as long as she wanted to keep me as hers.
My relationship with my brother died the next day after she destroyed me. He had cornered her as she came out of my office. I craved comfort from him; I just wanted to fall apart in Johnny's arms. I was surprised with myself that I felt that way, as I seldom did. Feeling the way that I did wouldn't do any good at all, I was stuck in this situation with no conceivable way out, at least not in the foreseeable future. Johnny followed us back to my quarters.
So there I was, packing my belongings and completely ignoring Johnny, screaming in my own head things that I would never thought I would have said. This creature was bringing me to the brink, I was ready to give up not just in regaining control of my own body, of my own thoughts, but on life itself. I was near to letting her consume me completely.
He watched me silently and after a time gave up and walked away. That day was full of more then just pain from my brother. Evan came by as I finished packing the last of my things.
"So this is what you want?"
"It is, Evan."
"I find that hard to believe after everything that we went through Nikki. "
"It doesn't matter what you believe Evan, as I already told you, you just weren't enough for me. You never were. I was a fool for diluting myself as long as I did. That coupled with the fact that I don't have the strength to tolerate the demands of your job. I don't have the drive to want to stay here and continue everything that I was doing. You need to understand Evan, it is, in every way, over."
"Have it your way Nic, you always had to anyway." With that Evan walked away from me again and I finally broke in all comprehensible senses of the work broken.
The trip back to Earth was a complete and utter haze for me along with the next several weeks. I vaguely remember bits and pieces of her talking to Dr. Jackson, to Col. Mitchell, Teal'c, Vala and anyone else who had direct and personal dealings with the Goa'uld. In the past I would have felt a spark of hope that she was looking for a new host, but that spark was long gone, not even a flicker of hope was left to me now.
More weeks passed by and still the same haze over everything that was happening, I was so disinterested in what she was doing with my life that I hadn't even realized she had been trying to get Col. Mitchell to date her. Their third date I seemed to wake out of the haze, the fog that had settled upon me.
"Nicolette, we've gotten pretty close over the past few weeks, will you now tell me the real reason you left Atlantis?"
"I told you already Cameron, it held nothing for me. I had been gravely mistaken to think I could work alongside my brother in any capacity. He and I are just so different."
"And Lorne? You're not escaping back to Earth to get away from him?"
"I was the one that left him, why would I need escaping?"
"Look, Sheppard told me everything about how things were you're entire time there. Something changed in you, he knows that, he said that for a while he had never seen you happier. What happened to change that for you?"
"I think that's enough questions Cameron, I'm not interested in talking about my brother or my fling with Evan. Neither of that is important."
"Nicolette, family is extremely important, you need to fix the problem with your brother if nothing else."
"I'll think on it. Now, I know you're office isn't the best setting for this, but kiss me Cameron. Kiss me, I've waited long enough."
I mentally shook with rage, she was not going to do this, she couldn't. I wouldn't let her. Yes, Col. Mitchell was attractive, but he was not Evan, by any means. I couldn't, wouldn't let her do this. As she leaned in towards a willing Mitchell I shrieked and shook more with rage, with pain, with every emotion I could muster. A scream escaped my lips and Mitchell stepped back, looking at me oddly.
"Nicolette?"
"Colonel Mitchell?" I gasped as I went to cover my mouth, finally finding my own voice. "Oh thank God, Colonel you have to help me before she takes over again, please. I don't want to play host to her, she ruined everything." Tears were streaming down my face and Mitchell must have realized what was going on and called for security. As security arrived she had retaken control. But it was too late for her, I had the chance I never thought I'd get. I exposed her and she would be finished toiling with my life as if it were some sick game.
She screamed to no avail. No one would believe that all she had was a mental breakdown, that she was fine. And here, we sat, at an interrogation table, some hours later, watching Dr. Jackson as he stared at me with Vala by his side. Teal'c and an unknown person, a To'kra by the looks of him, stood in the door way.
"Who are you and when did you take Dr. Kerrigan as a host?"
"I am Dr. Kerrigan, why won't you believe me?"
"We know the body is hers, and her mind is still there, but you aren't her."
"Very astute of you Dr. Jackson, you have obviously had dealings with my very bad children."
"Who are you?"
"Ash'ezra, the mother of the Goa'uld."
"Excuse me?"
"Astonished, aren't you? I'll put it you this way Dr. Jackson, I am very, very old and was banished to the depths of space by my children. A few of my children thought like I do, that your race was in need of being controlled, but never did I agree or decree to playing God. I eventually found my way to the Pegasus galaxy with my few remaining and loyal children. The planet that I was so fortunate to bide my time on brought me the gift of Dr. Kerrigan and a way off the planet I had spent a great many millennia on. Grant it I had considered taking a Wraith as a host, but they are hardly nice to look at. So when I found this beautiful specimen called Dr. Kerrigan, I jumped at the chance to be free."
"Hope you enjoyed your freedom. We'll be ensuring that Dr. Kerrigan regains control of her body and that you are removed from her."
"You can do no such thing. I own her. She is mine."
"The only thing you'll own is the nice shiny bottle the To'kra will put you in after they extract you from Dr. Kerrigan. In the meantime, while we arrange the extraction, you'll wear this," He nodded to Vala who stepped around the table and placed a device around my neck, like a cross between looking like a collar and some fine piece of jewelry. A warm sensation flowed through me as I felt her control sever. "Dr. Kerrigan?"
"Yes Daniel." I had tears in my eyes and tried to blink through them.
"You'll be in complete control until right before the extraction. There is someone here who wants to speak to you." I nodded as did Daniel. Teal'c, who was still standing in the doorway motioned to someone who was out in the hallway. Walking into the room was none other then my brother. He had a stern look on his face. I went to move and realized I was still handcuffed to the table. One of the guards uncuffed me as I stared at Johnny.
"Johnny…"
"No need to explain Colette, I knew something was wrong, I just couldn't quite figure out what." I nodded through the tears that were now streaming down my face. I was now released from the handcuffs, got up and ran into Johnny's arms. Johnny's stern look melted as he hugged me, held me as I cried tears of relief and sorrow.
A throat cleared behind Johnny and I looked over his shoulder. "Hope I'm not interrupting." Evan was standing in the doorway.
"Evan?..."
John released me as Evan stepped forward. I stood there like a nervous school girl. "It's alright Nic, I know everything."
"No you don't Evan. You have to believe me that everything horrible thing that was said was her not me. I never stopped loving you Evan. That's what saved me."
"What do you mean?"
"I couldn't let her make me kiss Col. Mitchell, not when you were still very much alive and had stolen my heart. I wouldn't let her. The anger, the rage over what she did, the love I have for you and my brother finally gave me enough to regain control, finally after months of trying."
"Easy Nic, I believe you." He stepped closer to me, a smile now on his face and I fell into his arms. "I love you Nic, don't you ever leave me like that again."
"Never Evan, never," I whispered to him through tears. Everything was going to be alright, just not yet. I got things fixed, to a point. There was still the matter of extracting this Goa'uld queen bitch from my body, permanently. I was ecstatic to be back to me, if that makes any sense at all. After a few moments of just enjoying the feel of Evan's arms around me, I stepped back and look at Dr. Jackson.
"So, any idea how long before I'll be the only one in this body?"
Mitchell who had silently left, stepped back into the room, Teal'c with him. "Ka'rish, a To'kra, just let us know that it will be about an hour or two before they'll have the equipment set and calibrated. If it is alright, Dr. Kerrigan, General Landry would like Teal'c to talk to Ash'ezra."
"No, I'm sorry but no. I have spent an excruciating countless amounts of months wanting to regain control, to take back my life. I gave up, I quit and now that I don't have to be subjected to that anymore I refuse to let her have a shred of control until it is absolutely necessary."
Mitchell went to say something in return and Johnny threw a cold look in his direction and Mitchell remained silent as a protective arm wrapped around my waist, which drew my attention back to Evan, I kept myself from smiling but I could feel the tears threatening to return and I blinked them away.
"Would you boys mind leaving me and Nikki alone for a while? I know what she's gone through and what she's about to go through. Plus she could probably use some time to absorb everything." I smiled at Vala, sometimes, even though it had been that bitch in control, I truly saw Vala for the person she was instead of the person she pretended to be. I think that Daniel saw it as well along with the rest of SG-1.
"Colette, you alright with that?"
"I am Johnny." He nodded to me as I turned my eyes back to Evan. "I don't want you to go, but Vala is right."
"No need to say more Nic, whatever you need." God I loved him something fierce. Part of me was still in anguish over what she had put us through, what she had put me and my brother through. Hell even what she had said to get distance from those I call friends. As all the boys left I smiled again to Vala and gently grabbed her hand.
"Vala, thank you, I know it wasn't really me that you got to know but I got to know you and thanks isn't enough."
"Don't fret darling. There was too much testosterone in here anyway. Now, what to expect…" Vala went on to explain how the extraction process worked and how there will be residual traces of the Goa'uld in me for some time before letting me vent my feelings of what the bitch had put me through. Before we realized it, the boys, minus Mitchell and Teal'c returned with the To'Kra from before. It was time, finally time, to be free of the bitch.