Christian

Today Phoebe and I are going out on the Grace II for some Daddy daughter time. It's been too long since we've had us time, the pregnancy taking over our entire lives to the point all our routines and things went out the window. But, I think Phoebe and I need this, we need some bonding time again.

It's been a whole week since Ana and I talked about sending Phoebe to Bridge Haven School and she has categorically said no way. I can understand why, I think, I mean I wasn't exactly all for it when Mom mentioned it but then I looked into it and called them and spoke to them and realised the place was amazing. The literally take care of everything as if these children were their own, but everything they want and need is available at the School including birthing facilities. I was so shocked when they told me they can even perform emergency caesarean's there if needed. I mean it sounded perfect, it's a safe haven for children like Phoebe where they can receive the proper care and counselling round the clock.

I'm not even allowed to mention it to Phoebe, though I'm hoping Ana will come round, Phoebe should know this is an option for her. I mean, she might not even take it up, she might be like Ana and be dead against it but she should know the option is there. Right?

This is so fucked up! My 14 year old is pregnant and after getting over the initial shock I had to deal with the fact that she was groomed by my employee who was 32 years old. 18 years her senior. It sickens me whenever I think about it but I'm glad I've been able to deal with it. So it's taken some time to manufacture evidence against him before getting the police involved but when you embezzle the US fedral government you're going to do some hard time.

Phoebe doesn't speak about him or what happened. I know that the therapy she's having is supposed to help deal with it but my understanding is Phoebe doesn't believe he's really done anything wrong, in her mind it's just their age that's an issue that because she loved him and he claimed to love her it was ok. Well it isn't ok, it's disgusting and sick and I wish I could hurt him the way he hurt my baby and my family.

One day, she's going to see that what he did was wrong just like eventually I learned to accept that what Elena did to me was wrong. That wasn't an easy journey for me and when I did come to terms with it I was lucky to have Ana in my life to help me cope with the feelings that came with the realisation. I hope Phoebe will have special people in her life when the realisation comes to help her too.

My only goal at the moment is to make Phoebe happy. I'm having nightmares again about her becoming like the crack whore. I fear her deciding to run off with the baby and pretend that she can do it on her own. I fear my grandchild's story being like my own history and I have to prevent that from happening one way or another.

"You ok Daddy?" Phoebe asks as she comes to join me at the bow of the boat. Mike is sailing for me, he joined me after Mac retired.

"I am, are you?" I ask wrapping my arm around her shoulders as she nuzzles into my side. I love her so much, I hate that she's going through all of this.

"I'm doing ok." She says and I know that's teenage speak for I'm struggling but I won't admit it.

"Ok." I nod trying to figure out how to probe her without shutting her down. "You coping?"

"No." She admits and I turn to her quickly, surprised at her honesty.

"No?" I ask wanting her to give me more.

"No." She repeats shaking her head as tears build in her eyes. "I'm sorry Daddy." She says before wrapping her arms around me and I hold her back. "I hate this, I hate all of this so much!" She sobs into my chest and I know now is not the time to answer her, she's breaking down and opening up and I need to listen. "I know having an abortion would be easier but I can't but I don't think I can go through with this pregnancy like this Daddy. I'm terrified the press will find out I'm pregnant, I'm terrified of having to be pregnant, I'm terrified of giving birth and I'm so scared of that day where I have to give my baby over to someone else to take care of and not feeling ready to do so but I also know I can't and don't want to keep it. Daddy I feel so out of control."

My Phoebe, my baby girl, I don't know what to say to her, I know nothing I can say will make her feel any better. She pulls back from me and swipes at her tears. I'm so glad she feels like she can open up to me but I also know she's expecting me to fix it, that's what I do I fix things. Ana hates it because she thinks it's preventing them from becoming independent but when things go wrong it's my job to fix it.

"I want to run and run and never look back." Phoebe says and my heart shatters into a million pieces inside my chest, that is exactly what I'm afraid of, that she'll run away from me and become like the crack whore.

"Who would you be running from?" I ask, trying to mask the sadness in my voice. Her big grey eyes meet mine and she closes them to try and hide the sorrow I see reflected in them.

"Myself I guess." She shrugs. "I don't want to run away from you or Mom or even Teddy but I want to run from myself, from my problems, and it's taking every ounce of strength some days to stay." She wipes away another tear and I stand here looking at her wondering how the hell to fix this. I know I can't magic everything better, I know I can't make the pregnancy go away.

"Phoebe, there was something I wanted to talk to you about, but maybe we can talk over lunch?" I know Ana is going to kill me for this but seeing Phoebe like this is killing me more.

Phoebe

I help Dad lay the table and get the food Gail prepared out of the hamper. It was so weird, one minute I'm confessing my darkest thoughts to my Dad the next minute he wants to talk to me about something and he seems disconnected from it all. I don't know how to take Dad right now. I know he's disappointed in me but he's also trying, bringing me on the boat today for some one on one time was needed to work on our relationship.

I know it's not my job to worry about my parents but I know that I'm not the only one having to deal with this pregnancy. I can see the toll it's taking on my entire family, not just Mom and Dad and Teddy but Nama and Grandpa too. Everyone is being affected by one stupid decision in a stupid moment. I should have known that you could get pregnant first time.

"All ready." I say laying out the last piece of food from the basket. Dad gives me a tense nod and I take a seat before he too sits down opposite me. Whatever it is he wants to talk to me about is making him nervous which causes a horrid dread in the pit of my stomach.

"Eat." Dad says pointing to the food. I immediately tuck in knowing better than to argue with my Dad about food, it's caused enough arguments over the last fourteen years thank you!

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" I ask already getting stuck into the summer salad that Gail made us, my favourite salad of all.

"What if there was an option to run away to a safe place?" Dad asks and I nearly choke on the cherry tomato I've just put in my mouth. I don't know what I was expecting but that wasn't it.

"What do you mean?" I ask reaching for my glass of water, I don't think eating while he talks is such a good idea now.

"Well. There's this school, it's a house really but it's a school…" Dad is bumbling… I don't think I've ever in my life seen my Dad this uncertain of himself. It's weird and scary. "It's a boarding school for pregnant girls, it has everything you need there, they do therapy and classes and have midwives and they'll help with the adoption process and well everything, literally everything."

He looks at me nervously and I hope my face isn't giving away the craziness of my thoughts right now. I mean what the hell? There are schools for pregnant teens? Why didn't I know about these before? Would I want to go away for my pregnancy? Be somewhere else where there would be other teens like me?

"Where is it?" I ask, thinking that maybe the distance from home would be an important factor.

"Only in Bellevue." Dad replies softly, not too far then, I guess he's just pleased that I'm not screaming the boat down at him for even bringing this option up.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to PB." He says firm again, my Dad reappearing once more. "I just want you to know if you want to run away, we can help you run to somewhere where there are people who can help you probably help you more than your Mom and I can."

I don't know what to think. Is he trying to get rid of me? Palm me off to someone else? No I don't think so, he's making it clear it's my choice that I don't have to go if I don't want to. I don't know if I do want to. I mean it sounds all wonderful the way he says it but then I don't know if it would be. Are they the type of places that lure teenage girls there to get their babies? I don't know why I'm thinking of that, I may have saw it in a horror film or something.

"Would you like to have a look at their website?" Dad asks pulling his phone from his pocket. I nod, I guess there's no harm in looking.

He passes it over to me and I get reading. It does sound like somewhere quite amazing actually. They take care of everything, Mom's mental health, Mom's options, Baby's health, they have midwives there all the time, they do excerise and prepare Mom's for birth. They work with adoption agencies and teen mom charities. I mean it sounds pretty amazing. I look through the pictures, Dad's right, it's a very big house, well more a ranch really, apparently it has 12 acers of land attached to it and the pictures show girls in various stages of pregnancy enjoying all sorts of activities. It looks more like an advert for a summer camp than a school.

I pass the phone back, not wanting to look anymore. I don't know what to say to Dad so I return my attention to my food. I mean, how do I tell him that I just don't know. He would never understand how uncertain I am of myself, how unsure I am of everything right now and my greatest fear is making the wrong decision and then having to live with those decisions.

After lunch I retreat into mine and Teddy's onboard cabin. I need to think and think hard about what Dad has just presented to me. It sounds perfect, but aren't things like this just too good to be true. Anyone can have a flashy website right? Doesn't mean the place is actually amazing, they could end up shipping me off to some hell hole without realising it.

I do what I always do in a crisis. I grab my phone and call my BFF.

"Hey Ava!" I beam when she picks up, I knew calling her on a Saturday afternoon was risky but I'm so pleased she answers me.

I fill her in on everything Dad has just said to me, how he has offered me a chance to go to this school. Ava just listens quietly, saying nothing just humming every now and again to show me she's listening.

"So, yeah, Dad has offered me to go to this school and I don't know what to even think."

Well sounds to me like you think it sounds pretty awesome

"What makes you say that?" I ask, unsure how my confusion about how to take the offer translates into her thinking that I think it sounds awesome.

Well you sounded so positive when you saying about all the things the school offers. I mean, don't you think it would be worth at least checking the place out. You sound like you like the sound of the place.

She's right, the place does sound awesome but I don't know if abandoning my family and running away is the best idea, even though that's how I feel most of the time.

"I don't know." I sigh, I feel so conflicted about it.

Well, there's no harm in going to see the place Phoebe, seeing the place is not the same as deciding to go there but if you see the place it might help you make your mind up.

"When the hell did you become so mature?" I ask her feeling like I'm speaking with an adult and not my crazy cousin.

Ha-ha she says sarcastically. Seriously though Pheebs. Tell your Dad that you'd like to see the place before making your mind up, then you can say yes or no and hey if this place is like some crazy asylum for pregnant teens you'll see it before it's too late!

She chuckles down the phone and I laugh nervously, that's what I'm afraid of, that this place is actually crazy and not for someone like me.

Listen Phoebe, remember going there won't mean not seeing everyone. We're your family, we'll visit. And it's not like it's forever either.

"Thanks Ava." I smile sadly. "You're right I guess. I now just need to tell my Dad that I'd like to go see the place and take it from there."

I don't tell my Dad on the boat that I want to see the place and he doesn't bring the subject up again. Speaking to Ava has helped loads though because she's right, I can't make the decision at the drop of a hat but I can go and check the place out, make sure it is what it says it is and then make a decision about it. She's also right that it's not forever but what it says is that it is a safe place for pregnant girls like me to go and get the care we need away from prying eyes and interfering families.

Anastasia

I'm so excited when Phoebe and Christian come home from their day out on the boat and when Phoebe comes bouncing into the room I see the fresh air has done her some good. She has more colour in her cheeks than she has done for a while and it's good to see. I'm struggling so much seeing her struggle and not be able to help her but now she looks more like my Phoebe than she has done for a while.

"So did you have a good time?" I ask as Christian pours himself a glass of wine from the bottle I have open on the coffee table.

"It was good, it was awesome to spend time with Dad." Phoebe says excitedly. "He also told me about the school for pregnant girls and I was thinking maybe we could go and see it?"

My jaw locks as I seethe. I thought I'd made it crystal clear to Christian not to bring this subject up with Phoebe yet he went against me, behind my back! I'm furious, beyond furious and I have to keep counting to ten to stop myself from blowing up because my little girl looks so fucking happy.

"So would that be ok Mom? That we go see this place?" She asks again and I look at her and see the sparkle in her eye.

"If that's what you want." I manage to say though I don't know how, I want to scream no, you can't go, but that would only make things worse.

"Thanks Mom!" She gives me a hell of a kiss on the cheek before skipping out the room and for the stairs, leaving me alone with my husband.

"I thought I'd made it clear that I didn't want this subject coming up with Phoebe." I say quietly, trying my best not to explode because even with the size of this house noise carries and I don't want Phoebe to hear us argue about this.

"And she cornered me about the way she was feeling and I thought it was the right answer." Christian replies coolly. He doesn't see anything wrong in the way he's behaved and that just makes me more angry.

"You went behind my back!" I shout a little louder.

"To do what I thought was right by our daughter!" He replies also a little louder.

"Christian Grey, she is our daughter, ours, plural, you do not get to make these decisions by yourself and run with them. What if she wants to go? What if she turns her back on us for the remainder of her pregnancy? What if we never see her again?!" I'm close to tears, my own fears now spilling out of me. Christian takes three large strides over before wrapping me up in his arms.

"Ana, those fears is what I'm trying to prevent from coming true. My biggest fear is she will follow in my Birth Mother's footsteps and when she was on that boat today telling me she wanted to run away from us I knew I had to do something and this was it, the only thing I could come up with to stop her feeling like bolting through the door was her only option. Do you understand that?"

And I do. In one swift moment with the air knocked out of me I realise why Christian did what he did and while I'm still hurt he went against my wishes I can understand why he did, I know better than anyone how much he still struggles with his earliest childhood. Preventing Phoebe becoming like his birth mother has been all he has been able to think about since he found out she was pregnant.