Until It's Gone
by Tina
- - -
Rachel couldn't shake Ross' words out of her head. Too late. He thought it was too late for them, didn't he? Sure they had been talking about Rachel and James, but it was pretty obvious it was actually about Ross and Rachel. And now he thought it was time for her to move on. To say yes to James and live happily ever after. Wasn't that what he'd just said to her?
It was mighty big of him, Rachel had to admit it. She knew he still loved her, it was pretty clear by now. Yet he was putting her happiness before his, telling her to go ahead and be happy and don't mind him. Even after what she'd told him, about how she couldn't help but wonder…
How much Ross had changed, she thought. Sure he'd always been the responsible one in the group, but she also knew how selfish he could be. Oh, yes, that she sure did.
"...and he's like the chosen one to stop it or something. It sounds like just another guy movie, but it was actually pretty interesting." Ross was babbling, after their little awkward moment.
"Right."
"Oh, and guess who we ran into there?"
"Who?"
"Joshua."
"Joshua who?"
He paused for a moment and she noticed the look into his eyes, as if he was watching her reactions closely.
"Your ex-boyfriend."
"Oh." She paused. "Well, if you can call him that."
"Why wouldn't you?"
Rachel casually ran a hand through her hair and sighed.
"I know I tried to make it seem like we had this big relationship going, to try and get even with you, like we were competing against each other or something. But there was not much to it, really. We just went on those four dates and had a good time, but that was pretty much it."
Ross looked down and Rachel looked curious. Why was he acting weird? What did he know?
"Well, Monica told me you uh…"
"Right." Rachel cut him. She knew there was something to it.
"So is it true?"
She looked down and up at him quickly.
"Why would Monica lie about it?"
"But it's so... it's so un-you, Rach."
Rachel chuckled, when she was actually holding back tears.
"And what is me, Ross?"
"I..." He trailed off and they simply looked at each other for a while. "I don't know."
She broke the eye contact and looked around. She thought hard about his answer.
"I guess that was always one of our biggest problems."
He didn't know her, sometimes.
He didn't know she liked him back when he was with Julie. He didn't know she wasn't interested in Mark when they were together. He didn't know she still loved him all those years they were apart and that she was aching so badly when he got married.
He didn't know how she felt that exact moment, how she was aching once again.
When she looked back at him he was still looking at her.
"Well, it's a good thing he said no." He said.
She nodded.
"Yeah." She sipped her coffee and rested against the pillow behind her. "It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, though. I do wish I could take it back."
Ross kept watching her and she could feel his loving eyes on her.
"He never deserved you in the first place, Rach. And you sure don't deserve these jerk guys that keep going your way." He paused. "Well, kept going your way." He corrected himself.
Rachel parted her lips to say something, but she was interrupted by Chandler and Joey walking into Central Perk.
"I am telling you, man, I can totally take her roommate out without her ever finding out! They barely even speak to each other anyway! Joana works nights and Kate works mornings! It's the perfect plan!" Joey was saying.
Ross and Rachel turned around to face them.
"Always the gentleman, Joey."
Joey cleared his throat.
"Hey, Rach, Ross."
"Well, I was just on my way out anyway. I'll see you guys some other time."
"Hey, sorry! But it's not like I said I was gonna take them both out at the same day!"
Rachel shot him a thoughtful look.
"It's nothing personal, Joe. I just got a headache, that's all."
She gathered up her things and left.
-
She ended up taking a cab to James' apartment. She knew Joey was gonna have a date that evening and she wanted to give him some privacy. She opened the door and breathed in deeply. The apartment was quiet and dark, just like she wanted it. She noticed his answering machine was blinking, but decided not to play the messages. If there was something important in there she would then have to call him and she wasn't in the mood for that. They hadn't spoken since he'd left to the Hampton's again and Rachel liked it that way. It gave her room to think.
It was good to have his place, though. It was like when she was going out with Ross and she would run away from her reality with him, to his apartment. She felt like a different person when she was there. She wasn't just a 20-something-girl hanging out with her friends and having a great time in NYC. She was a grown up woman in a mature relationship, with duties and responsibilities, in a sophisticated metropolitan city.
She took a long shower and changed into comfortable clothes. Then she poured herself a glass of wine and sat on her side of the bed with a book in hands. She stared into space, thinking. Thinking about what Ross had said, about James, about what Monica had said and about her own feelings. Weren't they what mattered the most? At least that's what people say, right? That's what people say when things are fairly easy.
Without thinking, she reached across the bed, opened James' bedside table drawer and pulled the black velvet box from inside. She opened it and was once again stunned by the beauty of the ring her boyfriend had chosen for her. She'd always been an admirer of luxury; it had never been a secret. And James had always had the will and the means to give it to her, through gifts that never failed to demonstrate his impeccable taste.
She put it on and it fit perfectly. She admired her hand, stretching her arm as far as it would go. It went well with that nail polish color, she noticed. But then again she bet it would go well with any color, or no color at all. It was just one of those accessories that went with everything and that excited her a bit. Except she knew it wasn't just an accessory. It was a vow.
It was a beautiful ring, no doubt about it. She took it off and a tear rolled down her cheek. Soon it was back inside the box and carefully stored into James' neat drawer.
Rachel rested her face on the soft pillow and recalled another ring, at another time. She didn't allow herself to think about it very often, but she owed it to herself that night. She had to open up all of her can of worms to finally make a decision.
It was Christmas time. Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler had come to spend a few days in Long Island with the Gellers. The invitation had been extended to the others, but Phoebe was volunteering in a shelter and Joey was spending the Holidays with his large family in Queens.
Earlier that day, Rachel and Ross had spent some time with Sandra and Leonard Green, separately, which always made them quite exhausted. Rachel, in particular, was feeling quite gloomy and tired that evening. She sat on the couch and watched the Christmas tree lights blinking in a soothing rhythm. On the background, she could hear Monica and Mrs. Geller on the kitchen, making eggnog. Ross was on the phone, wishing Ben a Merry Christmas and promising to see him the next day, and Chandler and Mr. Geller played chess nearby.
She took a deep breath and released some of her gloom when she breathed out. This was perfection. She had always held a special kind of fondness for Monica's family and now they were kind of like her family too.
Rachel couldn't help but think about her life. Isn't that what people are supposed to do on the Holidays, as a new year approaches?
She had just got a new job at Fortunata Fashion. It wasn't going as well as she'd expected, but she still hoped it would get better, that she would be surprised. Life had been like that for her lately, filled with great surprises. Fortunately for her, the office closed for the Holidays. It was the bright side of it, she thought. After two years and a half working at the coffee shop, which almost never closed, she'd learned not to take special occasions with loved ones for granted.
Then there was her said loved ones, her great friends and, of course, Ross. They hadn't been together for that long, their first year anniversary was still months away. Yet, she felt closer to him than she had with any other boyfriend she'd had before. The fact he'd been one of her best friends even before he was her boyfriend only made things better. Most of the time she didn't have to pick between being with her friends and being with her boyfriend. Things were so easy and so good then.
She took her last deep breath. She was cleansed from all the gloom now, only love and appreciation left inside. She was doing well, she was in the right track. She would be OK. Hell, she was OK. Ross hung up the phone and looked her way. And then she knew she was more than OK. They smiled at each other.
"How's Ben?"
"Not sure how well he understands it's me on the other side of the phone, but he seems to be fine."
She patted on a spot next to her on the couch and he joined her. She leaned closer and kissed him, a soft and loving kiss. He put his arm around her and she stroked his cheek. After a few seconds, they parted and looked at each other.
"You OK?" He asked.
She nodded, kissed him again and rested her cheek against his chest.
"I'm just really tired."
"Then get some rest. Tomorrow will be a long day. Do you wanna go upstairs?"
"Not yet."
"OK."
A few minutes went by like this. Rachel closed her eyes and enjoyed his warmth. She could still hear Judy and Monica bickering on the kitchen, as well as Chandler and Jack's awkward small talk. It made her smile.
Perfection indeed.
"Aw, look at you two. Is she asleep?"
Rachel recognized the voice as Judy's, but she was too tired to respond.
"I don't know. But she said she doesn't want to go up just yet, so I'll give her some time. She's tired."
"I bet she is. How was it with her parents?"
"Well, you know..."
"Yes. Yes, I know. Poor thing." Judy took a deep breath. "Care for some eggnog, son?"
"Sure."
She felt Ross moving very softly and very carefully, trying not to disturb her in her presumed sleep.
"So... how's it going with the two of you?"
There was a brief pause.
"Good. It's been really good."
She could hear the smile on his voice.
"Who would say, huh?"
"No one."
She felt soft strokes on her hair and it made her relax even more. She almost smiled again, but it required from her more than she was physically capable of giving at the moment.
"Ten years later, the science geek gets the popular cheerleader." Ross mused.
"Oh, you're not a science geek, Ross. Well, not anymore."
Ross chuckled softly.
"And she's not a cheerleader."
"You don't say..." Judy mocked him.
"No, I mean... Honestly, mom..." He trailed off and took a breath. "Before Rachel and I got together for real, part of me kind of feared that maybe it was just a boyish thing, a crush that comes back for all the superficial reasons and that eventually... I would learn that I didn't love her, but the idea of her. That she's not what I wanted, not what I thought she would be. I used to idolize her. It's a lot to live up to, you know?"
"But she did." Judy completed his thoughts.
"More than that. She showed me she's better than I thought she was." Rachel's heart melted hearing those things, but she let him go on. "She seems like she's superficial and materialistic at times, I know that's what people think of her. But, mom, she's got such a big heart."
"Yes. I always knew Rachel was a very special girl. Not everyone would be friends with a girl like Monica all through high school when they were so different. Specially considering she was so popular and Monica… hm, wasn't."
"That's true. That always kind of gave me hope maybe I could dream about the two of us together."
"But reality's better."
"Way better. She makes me feel..." He trailed off, in a loss of words. "You know?"
"I know."
There was a quiet moment.
"I'm really happy for you, son."
"Thanks, Mom. I'm pretty damn happy myself."
The moment was broken by the sound of glass hitting the floor. Rachel startled and came out of her superficial sleep.
"Sorry, every one, my fault!"
"Oh, Jack! No more scotch for you, Mister."
Rachel saw Mrs. Geller standing up from her spot on the couch across from them to attend to the mess, but Monica was already on to it, armed with paper towels. Upon seeing that, Judy turned around to face them again and noticed Rachel was up.
"Oh, you're up, darling."
"Yeah, it was the noise." She looked at Ross. "I'm gonna go upstairs now."
"OK, I'll join you, let's go. Goodnight everyone!"
They all said their goodnights and Ross and Rachel started walking up the stairs hand in hand.
"You know... That little nap kinda woke me up." She said to him with a suggestive look in her eyes.
He smiled brightly.
"Yeah?"
She nodded.
"I think we can come up with a thing or two to do then."
She stopped as they were almost all the way up the stairs and turned to face him. She was one step ahead of him, which made her taller, almost as tall as him. She smiled and kissed him again, with much more intensity than before.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He gladly accepted her sweet gesture and, in turn, stroked her back softly. She rubbed herself lightly against him and let out a very soft moan, showing her growing arousal.
She loved those lips so much. Ross was a great kisser; there were days kissing him was all she could think about. Really. He was also great at everything else, she was well aware of that, but there was something so incredibly intimate and loving about his kisses that she couldn't describe it.
"Ross?"
From the bottom of the stairs, Judy Geller's voice pulled them from their private blissful moment. They broke the kiss and looked at each other. Ross groaned very softly, just for Rachel, who smiled.
"Yes, mother?"
"Could you just come down here for a moment before you go into the bedroom? I need some help with something."
"Sure." He turned to Rachel. "You go ahead, I'll be right in."
"OK."
They kissed softly and parted ways.
Ross went down the stairs and Rachel walked up the finals steps to his bedroom. She opened the door and looked around. It was the same as she remembered it from those times she walked past it when she came over to hang out with Monica so many years ago.
Rachel took off her earrings and stepped off her shoes. Then she remembered, damn, she still had to take her pill that night. She looked around and couldn't find a glass to pour some water inside, so she took a deep breath and left the room again.
Downstairs, Monica and Chandler were now watching a Christmas movie on TV while Jack Geller snored loudly next to them. He was pretty drunk alright. Rachel smiled at them and walked towards the kitchen. As she approached the door, though, she noticed it was open and that Judy and Ross were in there. She just watched them for a minute. Their talk seemed to be very sweet and serious, like the one they were having before. She got curious. It probably concerned her again. And she'd already heard half their talk already anyway. Why not?
She came closer and stood by the door way on the outside, unnoticed, trying to overhear their conversation.
"...and honestly I feel like I haven't seen you like this even when you were with Carol."
"I guess it's true."
"Well... I know this may seem kind of rushed, but..."
There was a pause.
"Wow. Mom, is that what I think it is?"
"Your grandmother's ring, I want you to have it. I want you to give it to Rachel."
Rachel gasped inaudibly and stepped away from the door. Her head was spinning a little. Marriage, really? Now? Already? Oh my God, what if he proposed to her the next day, on Christmas morning? What was she gonna say? Could she even act surprised? Would she freak out? OK, too late, she was already freaking out.
She rubbed her temples and approached the TV area. Monica noticed her.
"You OK, Rach?"
"What?"
"You seem kinda tense. What happened?"
"Nothing! Nothing."
Monica and Chandler exchanged looks and Ross stepped out of the kitchen with Judy.
"Oh, hey, what are you doing down here?" He asked her.
"Oh. I- I just need some water."
"OK, I'll get you some." Ross offered, with so much tenderness in his eyes it broke Rachel a little.
But despite herself, she smiled.
"Thanks."
He came back with a tall glass of water a few seconds later, grabbed her hand and said goodnight to everyone again.
They went up the stairs with linked hands, only this time he was walking a few steps ahead. Rachel could feel his smile, even though she couldn't see his face. She stared at the steps, starting to get a little numb.
He opened the door and she went inside. She reached for her pill of the day and swallowed it with big gulps of water. The second she put the glass down, she felt Ross lips on her neck and his arms around her, grabbing her from behind. He kissed her just like she liked it and his hands were both gentle and aggressive. She had to admit it felt pretty great.
"Are you sure about doing it here?"
"Why not? Having second thoughts now, Ms. Green?"
Her breathing got shallower as his hands got bolder.
"I'm just saying, it's your parents' place, they're under the same roof..."
"Honey, they know we have sex, they even put us in the same room. And I bet my Mom's already praying for grandchildren."
"Grandchildren? What??"
Ross chuckled at her reaction and turned her around and reached for her lips. Rachel instantly melted under his kiss and felt all logical thoughts dissolve. He pulled her towards him with such force it was like he was trying to fund them into one. Her knees were going a little weak and she ran her hands lazily across his broad back.
"Don't freak out, Rach." He whispered into her ear. "It'll be OK."
Rachel nodded.
"I know."
She stroked his hair softly and they kissed again. She closed her eyes and let herself go. It was time for her to stop being so scared. After all, this was it. She knew it, just like he did. Marriage and kids were naturally the next steps. She smiled and welcomed the ideas.
She wasn't sure she was ready for it, but then again she wondered if anyone ever was. If she didn't feel completely sure with Ross, she probably never would. But if anyone would be a great husband for her and great father for her kids, that person was him. So that was it.
Yes. It would be OK, she could do this. She would say yes when he proposed and she wouldn't freak out. Well, she would try not to, anyway. Maybe it was better that she knew before, she could come to this realization by herself and be ready for it, ready to answer him without missing a beat. He deserved that.
-
The next day, she woke up with a big smile on her face. She turned around to find Ross still sleeping. She rolled closer to him and wrapped an arm around him, kissing his naked back. He stirred and she softly and slowly scratched his chest with her long fingernails.
"Wake up, you." She purred into his ear.
He opened a big smile.
"Good morning."
"Great morning." She corrected him.
He turned around and they smiled at each other.
"Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you too."
"What time is it?" He asked, sinking in the valley between her left shoulder and her neck.
"Almost nine." She answered between giggles, she was pretty ticklish.
He stopped kissing her and checked his own watch to be sure.
"We slept for 10 hours?"
"Well, not really." She answered provocatively, smiling at him.
He smiled back at her and they kissed softly.
"OK, we have to get up to the Geller Update now." He said, already getting out of bed.
Rachel watched him get dressed with a funny look in her face.
"I'm sorry, we have to get up for what?"
"You know, the Geller Update. Every year on Christmas morning, at 9am sharp, we share our year's events, we update each other."
Rachel threw him a doubtful look, but he just nodded.
"But you see Monica everyday. And you talk to your mom like three times a week. Actually, make that three times a day."
Ross shot her a look.
"OK, don't start."
Rachel smiled.
"Alright. I was just hoping, you know, for a little Christmas present before we had to go downstairs…!" She said giving him an innocent look, yet at the same time lowering the sheets, which were the only thing covering her.
Ross froze, watching her, and for a beat she thought he would give him. But then he looked into her eyes and shook his head.
"You're good. Come on, Rach, get ready. Whoever's late has to transcript the whole thing. There was a reminder of it on the latest "The Geller Yeller"; I thought I'd given you a copy."
Rachel took a deep breath but couldn't help but smile. She really did love this geeky family.
Downstairs, everyone else was already gathered around the Christmas tree. Ross and Rachel joined them and said their good mornings and merry Christmases. The updates were made and no big news was revealed, just like Rachel expected. But it was still fun to hear everyone's year in retrospect, including her own.
It was hard to believe that one year before she had spent Christmas mad at Ross for that stupid list. She watched him and smiled, she now actually understood the list. She had flaws and it was good that he knew them from the beginning. He still loved her. And from the talk she'd overheard the previous night, she'd done well showing she was more than that, as a friend and as a lover.
Later, while exchanging gifts, Judy Geller hugged Rachel very tight and whispered softly.
"You're like the daughter I never had, Rachel. May this be the first of many Christmases we'll spend together."
They looked at each other and Rachel couldn't help but tear up, all the while smiling.
"You know how much I love your son, right?" Rachel whispered back.
Judy nodded.
"I know."
Rachel brushed her tears away and went to sit down next to Ross again. Ross looked at her quizzically while she unwrapped her present.
"What's wrong?"
She smiled at him.
"Nothing." She said simply, with genuine happiness in her eyes.
He leaned closer to her and they kissed softly. After they broke, they kept staring at each other and their look turned into a serious one. Her heart began beating very fast, very aware that he had a ring and that he could propose at any time. A little voice inside of her kept screaming "Yes! A thousand times yes!".
But Ross never proposed. Not on Christmas morning and not ever.
Shortly after the holidays, she got her new job, they started fighting, their anniversary came and… Yes, the proposal never came. At one point she'd even began wondering if what she had seen had been real, if Judy had in fact given Ross the ring.
In James' apartment, Rachel took a deep breath and realized she was crying. She dried her tears with her fingertips and made up her mind.
Determined, she stood up and decided to take matters into her own hands that very moment. She wouldn't wait for her future anymore. If anything, this whole story with Ross had taught her sometimes if you just wait around for something, it may never happen. Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands and make your own fate.
She grabbed her keys and left the apartment.
-
Sorry it's taken me so long to update. 2010 is turning out to be a very busy year for me, in every sense. Which is actually good for me, so I'm not gonna complain. But I gave you a very long and juicy chapter to make up for that, right? Filled with R&R goodness!! I've already planned the rest of the story and we have four chapters to go now, including the epilogue. Aw, sad. But if I continue to write, I do have a project or two that I may start, but I'm not gonna swear I'll get to them. It's been fun, but as you can see it's been hard to conciliate writing and real life :( Anyway. This is it for now, hope you like it and review if you can ;)