Being aware of my body was a sensation that shocked me; I felt my chest rise and fall, heart pumping steadily and my fingers twitch with the realisation that I was conscious. The silence around me was different from anything I had ever felt, it was like I wasn't in this body but simply using it and I hadn't tuned it properly or something. This feeling stayed with me when I tried to open my eyes, my lids felt heavy and when they did open I couldn't see more than blurry whites, blues and greys surrounding me so I shut them again tightly. I wondered where I was, the lack of pain and sense of surrounding gave me the impression that I wasn't anywhere I was just there… And then I wasn't.
When I awoke again everything was different, every fibre of my body felt like it weighed a tonne each and I struggled to move or breathe or escape; the feeling that this body wasn't mine stayed but now I was trapped inside it. My eyes wouldn't open and I couldn't hear, my throat started to constrict when I tried to speak and my whole body tensed up in painful spasms but my brain still didn't understand what was happening. I felt things restraining my arms and chest but I didn't know what they were and then as suddenly as the fight had taken over me it was gone and my body fell back to its terrifying but now peaceful prison. I felt myself slip back into the darkness but there was also now a soft hum like the sounds of voices through a door and I tried to remain alert but I just couldn't.
The third time I became conscious I decided to test out my senses before trying to move, the same low murmuring was detected and shadow shapes moved across my closed lids telling me I would see if I opened them. I contracted my hand muscles and my fingertips felt softness below them, like the sheets you get in very expensive hotels. All these things made my breathing even out and the fear that was drowning my ability to think started to lift; my mind started to register the sounds as words but not quite what words and the light strength probably meant it was daytime or I was under strong lighting. I lay still and tried to become of aware myself before even attempting to find out what was on the other side of my eyelids. There was a strange pulsating through my body, like it should hurt but it didn't and all my muscles felt tired and tight like I had been sitting down for too long but as far as I could see everything was working, or at least had feeling.
Very, very slowly I opened my eyes and when the bright light had become bearable I saw I was in a very bright room, it had white walls and a large open window with translucent curtains that were slightly swaying in the breeze. There was no one else in the room with me but the noise was coming through the door, which had been propped open and I could see down a bright corridor to people bustling about. I tried to sit up and my abdomen screamed in protest, the pain set something off in my brain and images came flooding back, everything from the park with Luke to lying on the bathroom floor after swallowing the pills – It hadn't worked. I went numb, how could this have happened? I took so many of those damned things how was I even able to function right now? I became angry in what seemed like a millisecond, my whole body shook with rage and confusion, how the fuck was I still alive? I went to stand again and this time ignored the absolute agony until I found that my legs couldn't handle standing and I collapsed on the floor. Shame rushed through me like a wave and I just wanted to be dead, everything hurt, nothing was OK and I felt emptier than I had ever thought I could.
I don't know how long I was there but I didn't try to stand up or even move at all until I heard footsteps and someone shouting before hands grabbed me under the arms and hauled me back into the soft bed. I became aware of the fact I was in my PJs but I didn't really care how or why, I was just glad whoever was in here with me wasn't seeing me naked.
"Blaine can you hear me? Blaine honey how did you get on the floor?" The woman's voice was nasal and grating on my ears, "maybe he just turned over in his sleep?"
"What past the rails?" A sarcastic male voice quipped back at her, "Check his pupils." As he said this someone pulled open my eyes and a light was shined into them, I wanted to scream as the invasion but my voice just wasn't working, I wondered if it was permanently broken.
"He seems conscious or at least reactive? Blaine," she shook me slightly, "Blaine I need you to respond if you can hear me." My hand moved out and found her forearm (I think), contact with her skin made me realise just how cold I was, how long had I been on the floor?
"Could we have Dr. Michaels in here please?" I heard the man speak again but I wasn't sure who to, the woman at my side had taken a hold on my hand and at first I wanted to hit her but my brain started to realise that I was in desperate need of human contact. I opened my eyes again just to check I wasn't imagining things and when I saw her I screamed.
Yes I screamed.
She jumped away from me in horror as the sound left my mouth but I couldn't make it stop, against my better judgement (which I knew I didn't have any of at the moment,) I blamed her for everything. I felt like she was the reason I was still alive and still in pain and I just wanted to hurt her but I couldn't move my body so I screamed wordlessly until my contracting throat cut off the sound.
"Well Mr. Anderson I see that you've perked up a bit," the doctor joked pathetically, I glared at him in disbelief and just wished I could have ripped his head off. "I know this is a bit of a shock and you're probably wondering where you are and what happened-"
"I know," my voice didn't sound like my voice but right now I was just glad I could talk at all and by the look on the doctor's face he was just as surprised. "I know exactly what happened, what I don't understand is why I'm not fucking dead," I didn't know where this was coming from; I was being so rude and I didn't even care.
"Mr. Anderson,"
"That's my father, not me," I hissed viciously.
"Sorry, Blaine, well you're not dead because you are very lucky and I mean lucky, you know the amount of pills you swallowed your body was already shutting down two hours after consumption." I remembered looking at my watch and an hour and a half having passed, I remembered how dizzy and weak I felt and how my heart was racing like if it slowed down it would stop. "You were found by your housekeeper, thankfully she got you here in record time and we were able to pump your stomach," I wanted him to shut up, why was he telling me this?
"Why are you telling me this?" I voiced my thoughts without much consideration.
"Well don't you want to know?" He looked at me with his hazel eyes, they were greener than mine and had a look of disconnection, like I was an experiment and this was all one big, fascinating study. I was overcome by an utter feeling of embarrassment, these strangers had seen me when I was my weakest and now they were examining me.
"Yes I want to know all about the fact that I'm a complete failure, that I couldn't even kill myself without cocking it up," my voice was thick with sarcasm and venom and contempt but it was also laced with embarrassment and shame.
"Blaine you're not a failure, this is not something to be embarrassed about-"
"What the fuck do you know? Are you sitting in a bed being talked at by three complete strangers who have just witnessed you attempt and fail to take your own life because you are too weak to handle life?" I was shaking, I had never voiced this before, sure I told Mark I was going to kill myself and I had said before that I felt weak to Sierra but never had I been this brutally honest.
"Blaine," the woman said from beside me, she had cropped black hair and a nose piercing that was too big for her features, "we know that this is a difficult time but-"
"Shut up." I stared at her hurt face but I didn't soften or apologize, she had no idea how angry I was and she was being a complete idiot. When they realised I wasn't the kind of person that needed comforting she left the room with the other guy and let the doctor explain what was going to happen next.
I had been found about three hours later by Louisa, I was unconscious but having seizures and barely breathing, she and my parents had then taken me to the emergency room instead of waiting for an ambulance, which was probably what saved my life. My stomach had been pumped and they found the remainders of around 20 pills but estimated another 10 or so had already dissolved, with a dose that high it was amazing I was doing OK. I couldn't help but remembering the moment I had decided not to take all 100 and regretting it more than anything. I had been in a coma for five days and a ventilator for three; waking up briefly yesterday and the day before, I guessed those were the times I could remember since he said the second time I had started to convulse so they sedated me. I was in Oak View Psychiatric hospital in Westerville and my doctor was Ryan Michaels, he was about 40, very dark skinned and very cynical but for some reason I had a feeling he wasn't someone to fight.
I started to calm down after a few hours of being awake, I had been given painkillers for the agony in my chest and abdomen; which was apparently the after effect of the toxic in my heart and the massive seizures I had had during my first couple days. The two nurses were Jackie and Ashley and they checked on me every fifteen minutes; Jackie wasn't as annoying as my initial bad mood had told me she was but she was still overly sympathetic despite it being obvious the most depressed she'd ever been was probably watching Bambi. Ashley wasn't as harsh as I thought he was at first but that was probably just put on to balance out the cushiness of Jackie and he had smiled sweetly every time he came in. I noticed lattice caramel scars on his mixed-race skin and guessed he was probably an old patient that had come back to show that surviving wasn't something to mourn.
I knew the fact I was alive was something to celebrate but I couldn't feel it, truth be told after my spectacular mood swings earlier I couldn't really feel anything more than hunger and I was quite glad. When dinner was served I realised just how hungry I was, I hadn't eaten anything in nearly a week after all! The spaghetti and meatballs with chocolate mousse was just what I needed to perk me up even further so I finally had the strength to ask about my parents.
"We haven't contacted them just yet," Ashley told me softly, "we always like to give patients a day or two to collect themselves before letting family members see them." I knew he was thinking the same as me that was only for patients whose families weren't there when they woke up so obviously their relationship wasn't great. It kind of hurt that no one was there for me but knowing my parents they had probably sworn Louisa to secrecy and none of my friends would have known I was here, Sierra probably didn't even know I was here.
Two days later when I had begun to get restless walking around the bright gardens Dr. Michaels decided that he would ask my parents to come in so we could get my treatment and therapy started. I was already on some pills but they were more for the pain and they kept me sedated enough not to really notice how I was feeling. Dr. M explained that after the first couple hours of waking up until about four days later I would feel too emotionally drained to really notice anything I was feeling. There was little to no chance of me relapsing and it was nice to be depression-free even if it was just for a little bit, every second felt more amazing than I remember it ever feeling. Then again could I actually remember not being depressed? The other patients at the hospital scared me slightly but I smiled and tried my best to be polite when they acknowledged me, I mean they couldn't really be blamed for their situations right now. I wondered if I was like them, if to every other 'normal' person I seemed crazy and disturbed right now and that made me nervous to see my parents.
When they arrived my mother had hugged me tightly and made a show of declaring her worry for me and how she couldn't believe something like this happened, the staff smiled politely but they knew as well I as did that she didn't mean it. Though I did catch her wiping a few tears away when she thought no one was looking, maybe my mother really did have a heart after all. My Dad was just as bad as I expected, he didn't look at me and winced every time my doctor said my name, like it physically hurt him.
"Blaine should really stay here for the last two weeks of his summer break, I would also hesitate to get him into his new school so soon after-"
"No, no, he will be starting on the 1st like everyone else," my father simply stated with lots of emphasis.
"Mr. Anderson, with respect your son is not in a fit state at the moment, mentally or physically," Dr. Michaels kept glancing at me nervously; he knew if my Dad decided to make me leave there wasn't much he could do.
"He looks fine," John said again without looking me, "I don't want him here, this was just… A mistake, I don't know he'll be fine - he'll be boarding," everyone knew he had said the last sentence instead of saying 'he'll be fine, he won't be my problem.'
"I highly doubt his school will take him back in such a state,"
"They will if they don't know about it." My father growled menacingly and Dr. Michaels could only gape and stare but before he could reply John Anderson walked out the room and we all knew he wouldn't be coming back. My mother stepped up and finally did her job and managed to convince my Dad to let me stay for the remaining two weeks of summer because there would be a decreased chance of another 'incident' happening at Dalton. Which was true. I was started on antidepressants which I had laughed at and asked if they were really giving me them, it was such a joke that the things that nearly killed me were actually going to save me.
"I can't find the words to tell you,
I don't want to be alone,
But now I feel like I don't know you.
One day you'll get sick of pretending everything's alright,
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending,
Just like I am tonight."
I found myself singing about 7 days into my stay, I hadn't sung for a few months after I was forced to quit anything related to the arts by my father and abusive peers. This song was a favourite of Sierra and at the moment I was missing her badly, I wasn't allowed my phone or the internet during my stay and I was getting lonely. I saw my therapist everyday for two hours, sometimes we went outside, sometimes we had our talk over a meal and sometimes I was shut in her office like you see in the movies.
I recently watched Veronika Decides To Die at the recommendation of another boy on the ward; he was a schizophrenic with bad anxiety but on his good days I found we got on well and he kept my loneliness from become a big issue. The movie was strange and gave me chills but at the same time I found myself mesmerised by Veronika and the pain and the desperation and the love that she found in the end.
I also found myself opening up to my therapist Paloma (I know right?) more than I expected but it had been so long since I had talked about any of my feelings I guess it couldn't be stop. I told her everything that had happened since New Years in grade 7, but leaving out what happened with Luke in the park, my brain wouldn't let me speak of it and I was OK with that. By the time I was getting ready to leave on the 30th I had talked more about myself than ever in my life, everything was put out there and I had found a part of me I thought was lost forever when Luke…
"No Blaine that never happened," I growled and played some music, "I've been living like I'm not alive, so tonight I'm gonna start over…" I started to sing loudly as I packed away my clothing and didn't notice Charlie, the boy from down the ward, come into my room.
"Blaine?"
"Holy shit Charlie! You scared me," I laughed but his face was scrunched into a worried frown and I started to get nervous, no matter how nice he was I couldn't forget that he wasn't quite… stable.
"Are you leaving?" He asked sadly and I nodded, "so you think you're all better?"
"No, I know I'm not better but I'm getting there; we both are," I put a hand on his shoulder and smiled my famous smile, it felt good knowing I could still do it.
"I'll miss you, you were the only person who even tried to know me…"
"I'll miss you too but I promise I'll come visit and hopefully you'll be out of here soon and you can come visit me too!" I couldn't believe how optimistic I was sounding but Charlie was going to take this hard and I couldn't stand the look on his face when he was upset. We didn't hug because he hated physical contact, the fact he would let me touch him at all was a big step for him and as I left with Henry that evening things felt strangely unfinished without a closure goodbye but that couldn't be helped. I thanked all my doctors and nurses profusely but I didn't cry like I expected myself to do, in fact I hadn't cry all summer and I was starting to wonder as we drove away if I was making a mistake leaving so soon.
Gosh this is long, it doesn't really feel it though. Dalton's coming up next and that should be a lot lighter than this!
All the lyrics are Paramore, the first song is Let This Go and the second is Miracle; I'll probably use more of their lyrics because they fit so beautifully!