Chapter 14: Where do we go from here?
Maria felt numb. She was standing in the grassy area watching the Captain remove the hobbles from the horses' legs, but she saw nothing. Her mind was in a fog that she couldn't see her way out of. Her life had just changed in an instant. She was no longer the person that she thought she was and it scared the life out of her. Where would she go from here? Could she still take her vows? Would they still want her at the Abbey?
Hanging her head low she knew the answer to the last question already. They had barely believed in her before all of this. They would surely dismiss her now. Especially once they found out that she had given herself to a man after being left alone with him for only a few hours. That was a truth that she couldn't hide from them. What she prayed they never would find out was that only moments ago she would have done it all over again.
When he had her pinned against the carriage she burned with a need so strong it had erased all coherent thought from her mind. She had felt the same last night when she had kissed him back igniting their passionate embrace. She was supposed to be virtuous. She was supposed to be able to leave all carnal needs and desires behind. Yet after just three days alone with the Captain it was painfully obvious that she couldn't vow to do that. In her mind it was now clear. She was never going to be a nun and her heart broke as her dream all but vanished before her eyes.
"Maria," the Captain broke into her dismal thoughts. She lifted her eyes to him not in the least trying to hide the hate she felt for him right now. He had lied to her and she couldn't forgive that. Even if it was true that he suffered from the same memory loss as she did, he still had known. Whether or not they had both acted under the influence of the drug didn't matter. His experience had allowed him to know the truth about their night together without memory of it. Yet he had kept the secret to himself. She would never forgive him for using her own innocence against her. Or at least what was left of it anyway.
Nor could she forgive herself for feeling -well she wasn't quite sure what she was feeling. She should feel ashamed of what transpired between the two of them. And in a way she did, but there was something else that lingered deep within her thoughts. Something that she tried her hardest to dismiss away and yet, she was failing miserably at it. She had always known that she was curious about the act itself. Postulant or not, she was still human. Of course she was curious. And here her body's own curiosity had been satisfied and yet her mind held no memory of it. She felt cheated and robbed.
"Maria?" She turned her burning gaze to him while thinking in her head, 'and that man is the thief.'
"Yes Captain." She hissed at him. If she had had something to throw she would have picked it up and thrown it right at his head.
"Ahh.." he hesitated with his eyes gone wide as if he had read the threat in her mind, "would ah, you mind taking the hobbles back to the carriage?"
Because there had been nothing to throw, she instead threw the nastiest look she could muster at him while walking to where the hobbles lay on the ground. She held him captivated with her stare while he held both mares by the reins. Without breaking eye contact with him she reached down for the hobbles and pulled up something heavy and slimy. Only when the objects muscles moved in her grasp did she look down and see that what she was holding was not the hobbles but a snake. A large and very angry snake.
She screamed a high pitch of F and flung the snake out of her grasp. In retrospect she thought as the snake flew through the air she may have flung it in the direction it was now heading simply because she had wished for something to throw at him a moment ago. Before the darn thing even landed with a thump across the arm that the Captain held the two horses with -Maria knew what the consequences of her actions was going to be.
Laying across the Captain's arm the snake's head snapped up and poised to strike at the Captain's face. The Captain was quick though, he leaned away just in time for the snake to miss his strike while still holding on to the mares. Then the snake took aim at the closest mare and snapped her right on the nose. The frightened mare reared up on her hind legs jerking the reins out of the Captains grasp.
The Captain shook the snake off of his arm and it landed in front of the other mare, which now also reared up with hooves pawing at the air. Both horses were frightened out of control, each bucking their way away from them while the Captain unsuccessfully tried to regain the reins. In an instant the two mares were turned around and running at full speed away from them. A moment later they had disappeared through the wood. The only thing visible of them was the dust trail they had left behind.
Meanwhile the Captain stood rooted to his last spot. His hand was still outstretched as if he were waiting for the reins to return to his grasp. His eyes blinked in rapid succession. Maria was afraid he may be having a seizure of some kind.
"Ahhh…" she should say something to him. But what? What could she say that would make him not kill her? "Captain?" He didn't move. "I think the horses are gone, Captain."
At this he turned towards her. His eyes were wide with disbelief and possibly rage and his hand was still outstretched hanging in midair. She could actually hear the clench of his jaw. Uh-ohh. Now he was marching towards her, with that darn hand still reaching out to grasp something…anything. She thought maybe her throat was its next target. He stopped at her toes, his height towering over her. She leaned back from his threat. He was mumbling incoherent thoughts under his breath while his hand now raised high up in the air. She thought for sure he was going to hit her as his eyes locked with hers.
For a long moment he simply stood their posed over her reminiscent of the snake ready to strike.
"Let's go!" Now Maria had never been aware that one could holler through clenched teeth. However, the Captain had just shown her that one actually could and loudly at that. His hand punctuated his command with a final flourish above her head before he stalked off towards the wood.
Quickly she grabbed their only possession, the carpet bag, and followed him through the woods. She learned not to follow too closely for he seemed to have forgotten that she was behind him or maybe it was his revenge but he didn't hold any of the low lying branches out of the way for her. Instead he let them snap back and if she wasn't careful they would whip her in the legs and body.
When they finally reached the road he stood on the side waiting for her to catch up to him. Then he held his arm out indicating that she should go first. For a moment she thought maybe he was going to abandon her and go in the opposite direction.
"Aren't you coming with me?" She hated that she sounded like a frightened little girl.
"You have successfully ruined every mode of transportation that we've had. All that I have left are my two feet and I aim to end this journey with them still intact and attached to my body." Again he waved his hand out in front of him, "So please, you go first."
"Oh!" She threw the carpet bag at his chest, which he caught before it could hit him, "You…" leaving him with his own thoughts of her last statement, she huffed and started to walk up the road. When she heard his annoying chuckle at her temper, she kicked a rock backward with her foot hoping that it would hit him in the knee.
"You missed," he said as he walked past her now taking the lead.
She stared at his back as they continued to walk. She was so angry she could…well she could spit. And she hated spitting, she thought it was disgusting. She was supposed to be the one that was angry, not him. This wasn't fair at all. Again she felt cheated. Cheated for her chance to be angry, cheated out of her dream, cheated out of herself. She was so frustrated that she couldn't help the tears from falling. Nor could she stop the sobs that started to heave from her chest.
She wasn't sure when her feet had ceased to move, but now she was standing still on the dusty road while she cried for all that she was worth.
"Maria," his voice was soothing and he placed a calming hand on her shoulder. This made her hate him even more. She pushed him away from her and he stumbled back in shock at her strength.
"This isn't fair!" She yelled letting out her rage. "I'm supposed to be the one that's angry. Me..not you. I…I…you…you lied…you…you stole…and I…I " She wanted to say that she hated him. That she hated him for all that he had done, but she couldn't. For deep down she knew that it wasn't his fault nor would she ever truly be able to hate him. That knowledge alone made her want to hate him more. She wasn't supposed to be this girl…she was meant to be a nun. Not…not…God what was she now?
She lost it- completely lost it. She cried for everything and anything right there on the side of the dusty road. Her tears flowed faster than the rivers currents and dammit all if he didn't hold her and soothe her through the entire thing. Running his fingers through her hair and massaging her back in soft circles while whispering words of apology and encouragement in her ear. He held her close against him and she balled her hands fisting the material of his shirt between her fingers. She wanted to physically and mentally push him away from her. She wanted to strike out against him and yet something inside of her made her pull him closer at the thought of losing him. What was it that made her do that? Did she need him? Or did she want him? My God…want him? What in the world was happening to her?
After a while he led her to a large rock on the side of the road and helped her to sit. Then he plopped himself down next to her and placed his arm around her shoulders. Her head, on its own accord, found a respite against his shoulder, where she continued to cry silent tears.
"Maria," he whispered her name in a kiss atop of her hair, "if I could I would go back in time and make all of this right. But just like you can't go back and not make the horses run away. Or not crash my car into the fountain or get us on the original train that would have led us far from this place — just like you can't go back and right those wrongs, I can't either." He pushed her head up and grabbed it between his two hands to look into her eyes, "There's no going back, Maria. There's only going forward." He wiped away the tears from her eyes, "Tell me what I can do to make this right for you. If you still want to be a nun, I will fight to make sure that your dream comes true."
"They won't want me after…they won't take me in. I don't think I was meant to be a nun." Voicing her fears out loud made her sobs return.
"We don't have to tell them the truth Maria; they don't need to know…if that's what you really want. I just want you to be happy."
"Captain it's a solemn vow. I can't take my vows with a lie on my heart."
He let out a long sigh, and then placed a kiss on her forehead. "Then we'll tell me them the truth." He got up and started pacing. He always thought better on his feet. "That we aren't certain of what took place due to being under the influence of the drugged water. And that the marriage may have been…" he hated to say it to her, he was trying to be as delicate as he could be, "consummated." Her head snapped up at this. Obviously she hadn't thought of that consequence. "The marriage may still be annulled due to the fact that we unwittingly entered into it." Now her eyes were wide so he faced the road to finish his thoughts, "Even if they won't annul the marriage I don't think there's a rule stating that a divorced woman can't enter the convent." He half turned to her, "Is there?"
For a moment she simply sat on the rock with her mouth hanging open. "It depends on the order." She blinked several times before continuing.
Before the marriage had seemed like a transparent idea that barely existed but now it suddenly had taken on a solid form. It mattered and what was worse it now felt as though there was this connection between them that wasn't there before.
"The Benedictine order usually doesn't. But there have been a few divorced women allowed in." Maria's memory was jogged by a lost conversation she had heard between several of the nuns one day in the courtyard. They had been discussing a woman that had applied for the order. She was a divorced woman that had several young children that she had left in care of the father and his new wife. The argument had been that she shouldn't be allowed into the order because the children were still in need of her care. "They just can't have young children."
He abruptly turned toward her with his hand on his chin contemplating her last statement in deep thought. "Right…" his eyes scanned down her resting onto her flat stomach and then he raised his hands to his temple massaging away some thought that he didn't want to have she imagined. "Children…" he mumbled then continued his pacing. He was more thinking out loud at this point than conversing directly with her. "So more than likely what we'll have to do is wait a few weeks before the annulment can be made." He turned towards her regarding her with a wave of his hand but still deep within his own mind. "And well if the rabbit dies… well then we'll just have remain mar…oh no Elsa." His mind was going so fast that she couldn't keep up and was becoming lost in his spoken thoughts. "Well…Elsa…she was unhappy these past few weeks anyways…hadn't she said so herself? Had changed right before my eyes…never going to work…and the children don't seem to care for her…"
She was dizzy from his thoughts after being in his head for only a few moments Maria began to understand why the Captain always had that brooding face on. What must it be like to live inside that head all of the time? Maria didn't even want to know.
"I'm sorry Captain, but why do we have to wait a few weeks for the annulment?"
"What?" He stopped in his pacing then looked at her as if he had forgotten that she was there. He cursed under his breath for speaking all of his thoughts out loud. Well, she needed to know, so maybe it was a blessing in disguise. "Maria, if we did indeed engage in…"he let her fill the blank in, "well then there may be a consequence to our actions that we won't know about for a few weeks."
"What kind of consequence?" She wasn't going to make this easy for him, was she?
He looked up to the heavens for help. Like a solemn omen a cloud took that time to pass in front of the sun. Thanks for the help, Lord.
"Maria," he began and felt foolish talking to her as if she were a child about the possibility that she may be carrying his own child, "you are a young woman. And well, it's not without reason to believe that our actions may have left you with child." He coughed out the last word.
Her head snapped back like she had been slapped in the face. "With what?" Then she jumped to her feet and started to turn in circles. "A child…I never even considered…oh" as quickly as she had found the energy to jump from her seat she lost it and flopped back down onto the rock.
"So," he continued like a lawyer to the jury, "we'll have to wait on the annulment until we find out. If you're not with child, we will proceed. And if you are then we'll have to remain…married."
"Excuse me?" Anger would not be adequate to describe her feelings right now. How dare he decide her life for her? Just who did he think he was? "How very nice of you to decide all of this for me."
He was taken aback by her heated statement. "Maria, if you are indeed with child it would be my obligation to remain married to you."
She stood to her full height and faced him toe to toe. "So that's what I am? An obligation?" She shoved at his chest, "I'm sorry Captain, but no. I will not be anyone's 'obligation'. If I am with child," she slurred the words, "then I will handle it on my own."
She turned to walk up the road and away from him but he stopped her by grabbing her forearm. "Pardon me," his words threw her bangs into a fury, "but if you are with child than it is my child. And you will not handle it on your own. Half of that child is mine and I told you last night that I would never walk away from my obligations."
"And I told you just now that I won't be anyone's obligation!" She whipped her arm out of his grasp then crossed her arms like a stubborn child.
Balling his hands to his fists at his sides to keep from strangling the stubborn out of her he yelled in her face, "Well then I guess we are at an impasse."
"I suppose we are."
She turned and began walking back down the dusty road continuing their trek. He fell in step behind her with the carpet bag in hand wondering just where in the hell they were going to go from here.