Author: Raven Shadowrose

Title: Epiphany

Rating: K

Pairing: Jeff/Dixie

Summary: Jeff and Dixie think about their feelings

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Casualty, any original characters and this story are my property and I do not give permission for anyone else to use this story.

Author's Note: Thanks to Beethoven RIP, chan. nelson4444 and WrittingWhat'sOnMyMind for your reviews and support with this story, I really do like reading what you think of my story. Thanks to everyone that has read the story so far :)

Chapter Fourteen... Dixie.

It's that time of year again, the anniversary of my dad's death. I hate this time of year, it reminds me of things that I don't want to be reminded of. My dad was so angry when he found out about my sexuality, it was even worse when he found out that my mum knew. I hadn't told him because I wanted to protect him, he had this idea that one day I would get married and have children, his daughter being a lesbian did not fit in with his ideas. Marrying Jeff was my way of trying to make my dad happy but only I ended up hurting him. I wish that I'd had the courage to tell him earlier, perhaps it would have been better if I hadn't kissed a woman on my wedding day.

Jeff is worried, I know he is, he wants me to take some time off work, but if I do that then all I have is time to think about how I let my dad die. I'm keeping it together just enough so that everyone at work will think that I am fine. Jeff isn't fooled, he knows what is wrong, I haven't tried to hide anything from him lately as he knows when I'm upset and hurting. Instead I'm hiding in my room and looking through the things from my special box. I keep photos of my mum and dad in here, there's one of them on their wedding day. I took it out and looked at it, they looked so happy, I miss them. I wish that they could be with me now, tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I look at the dolphin necklace, it is one of my most cherished possessions, I know it doesn't have any magical powers but it makes me feel safe, it reminds me of a time when my dad loved me. It hurts to think of what happened between us at the end, to know that I disappointed him, if he hadn't found out then maybe he would have stayed alive for longer. I broke his heart and he gave up the fight. If I could take back everything that happened then I would, nobody knows how many times I've wished that everything ended differently, I just want my dad to be proud of me.

I've not been able to face eating all day, I feel hollow and that doesn't exactly make me feel hungry. Jeff wasn't too happy that I refused to go to lunch with him, he is going to be up here soon and insisting that I eat something. I spent most of the day feeling like I was going to throw up, though there was nothing in my stomach to come up. I must go on, if I do not go on then I will break down. I must be strong, if I'm not then by the time I get to the actual day of my dad's death then I will be a wreck.

I heard Jeff's footsteps stop outside my door, he knocked on the wood, maybe if I stayed quiet then he would leave. Jeff knocked again, the stubborn man, I should have known that he wouldn't go away. 'Come on Dixie, I know you're in there.' He's not going away, I'm going to have to let him in.

'What is it?'

'You need to eat something.'

'I'm not hungry.' My stomach growled when the smell of the food reached me and Jeff raised his eyebrows at me.

'Sure, you've not eaten anything all day Dixie. Come on, it's your favourite.' It was my favourite; cheeseburger, large fries and a strawberry milkshake, I reached out and took the food from Jeff, he is right, I am hungry. 'I suppose I could have some of it, seeing as you went to get it for me.' Jeff just smiled and stood by the door, he was waiting for an invitation. 'Come here Jeff.' I shifted over to make room for him, it was nice having him here.

Jeff sat on the end of the bed, he was leaving enough room between us, I was aware that we were still in the very early stages of this blossoming relationship that is happening but I wished he would come closer. Jeff picked up the dolphin necklace off my bed, I knew it would be safe with him, he would take care of it. 'My dad bought me that necklace for my tenth birthday, I was really into dolphins at the time. He told me that if ever he wasn't around then it would protect me.'

'It's beautiful, why don't you wear it?'

'I don't want anything to happen to it, it is the only thing that I have left to remember him by other than pictures.'

'I understand. Dixie, are you all right?'

'I'm okay, I'm coping.'

'Are you? Every year you go into lock down, you pretend that everything is okay and yet it feels to me like you haven't properly dealt with the death of your father.' How had he noticed? It was the one thing that I thought I had managed to keep hidden from him. There was no point in keeping up the pretence, Jeff knew everything about me, including all of the things I want to hide. 'Maybe I haven't.' The words were out before I could stop them, I wasn't even sure if Jeff heard them.

'Talk to me.' He'd heard me, Jeff held my hands, he wanted me to open up and talk to him.

I was quiet for quite some time, I wasn't sure what to say, I figured that I would just speak from the heart. 'I was always a daddy's girl, so much so that when it came to having to tell someone about my sexuality I told my mother. I couldn't risk him being disappointed in me, I didn't want to tell him that he would never have grandchildren or see me get married. There were many times that I thought about telling him and I couldn't do it.'

'Go on.'

'I continued pretending that I was a normal woman whenever he was around, even going to the point of marrying you. I did everything that I could to keep him from finding out my secret but he found out anyway. The only thing I succeeded in doing was making him hate me.'

'Dixie...'

'No, I should have been there for him, if I had just taken the time to go and see him then I could have made him go to the hospital and get checked out sooner. If I had just taken time out from going to the pub and all the meaningless, trivial things that I've done with my life then he might still be alive. It is my fault that he died, I'm a terrible daughter, I let my dad die.' The words had just come out, once I had started talking I couldn't stop. All of the things I had kept to myself were coming out now.

Jeff knew everything, would he hate me now, would he be the next person to walk out on me? 'Dixie, it wasn't your fault, by the time he told you there was nothing that anyone could have done to save him.'

'Jeff, you don't understand, our job is to save people. I couldn't save one of the people that meant the most to me, I couldn't save him Jeff. I wanted to make him proud of me, I failed, all I did was make him disappointed in me.' There was no hatred in Jeff's eyes, I wished that there was, I deserve to suffer for everything that I've done. I wasn't even aware that I was crying until I felt the tears flowing down my face. Jeff took me in his arms and held me tight, it looked as if he wasn't going to leave me alone here. 'No, don't Jeff, I don't deserve this.'

'I'm not letting you go, fight me if you want but I mean it, I will not let you go.' Jeff stroked my hair, he just held me like I was the most precious thing in his world. I gave in and hugged him back, I needed him, needed this. 'It's okay to cry princess.' Jeff kissed my head and just held me, he was proving to be my rock time and time again, he was always there when I needed him the most.

I just let Jeff pull me backwards, his arms tightened around me, he was keeping me safe just like he always does. It was nice to be held, as bad as it had been today I wasn't feeling so bad now. 'Dixie?' Jeff smoothed the hair back from my face, I bet I look a right state.

'I look a mess, don't I?'

'Of course not, you're beautiful Dixie.'

'I feel like I'm a mess, I've had all of this bottled up inside me for so long. Every year it comes back to haunt me, every year I just want to get into bed and pull the covers over my head in the hope that when I wake up it will all be a bad dream.'

'I know it is hard for you to talk about all this, if I had known how much you were still struggling I would have brought it up sooner.'

'I probably wouldn't have talked to you about it, I'm stubborn remember?'

'That you are, but I love you anyway.' Jeff made me smile with that comment, he knew exactly what to say to make me smile and feel better.

I snuggled closer to Jeff, he was making me feel good so I didn't see much point in moving. If he wanted to move then he would let me know. It was strange, here I am cuddled in the arms of a man, this is not a position I would have found myself in before. 'That tickles.' I wasn't even aware that I had been tracing patterns over Jeff's shirt until he stopped me from doing it. 'Sorry Jeff, I was just thinking.'

'I know, you only do that when you're thinking.'

'You don't mind?'

'Not at all.'

'Good.' I looked down at Jeff, I wonder what his reaction would be if I did something that he didn't expect. I pressed a kiss to Jeff's lips and then pulled back, I bit my lip and waited for his reaction. 'Dix, did you just kiss me?'

'I did, did you mind?'

'Of course not.' Jeff smiled and sat up. 'Come here my love.' I sat next to him and Jeff tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. I wonder what he is planning to do next. 'Do you remember when you said you trusted me?'

'I do.'

'Do you still trust me?' I nodded, I hoped that I looked more sure than I felt. 'Close your eyes.' I did as Jeff asked me, I felt as if I was going to stop breathing when Jeff kissed me. His kiss was soft and gentle, he was taking care not to push me too far. My arms crept up and around his neck, I pulled him closer and opened my mouth beneath his kiss. It surprised me how much I liked it. I felt Jeff pull away, I tried to remind myself how to breathe and then I opened my eyes. 'Are you okay princess?'

'I think so.'

'So how was your first kiss with a man?'

'Not bad, it was quite nice.'

'I'll take that as a compliment.' Jeff smiled, he was clearly happy that I wasn't afraid of him or that I had hated him kissing me. I was going to have to visit my dad's grave in a few days time but Jeff would be with me every step of the way, I could face anything with him by my side.