Chapter 14

It's been a couple of weeks since Rachel transferred to Carmel and things are going surprisingly well. As I suggested, Rachel mustered up enough courage to ask our mother for another audition and she didn't choke this time thank god. Now that she is on VA, she's actually really happy although I know that the kids talk about her behind her back, but she hasn't said anything so I will let her live in oblivion. Since Rachel and my mom are always at rehearsal I usually just stay at home whenever I don't have dance class which is a lot more time by myself than I realized but its cool, I like to be alone. I am starting to become very aware of how much time my mother spends with VA, its not just during the week but even when she gets home from school and on the weekends, she's constantly doing arrangements and giving voice lessons which is nice and all, but she practically spends no time just being my mom. I always thought that the one upside of having Rachel come back into her life and me quitting VA would be that she'd realize everything she was missing by working so much, that she would understand that there is more to life than just work, but I guess not. Now that Rachel is in VA, my mother has no reason to pay any attention to anything else or me in particular not that its not normal for my mother to ignore me but for a while there was a small glimmer of hope that things might change. Now it's back to the same old thing. Whatever. I am so done with trying to change my mother's ways because it's never going to work.

Its 9:00 pm on a Friday night, I just got home from dance 10 minutes ago, my bag was thrown on the kitchen floor and I lay sprawled out on the couch watching The Flash. I hear the garage door open and my mother come in through the back door yet I don't bother to greet her. I hear the clunk of her keys hit the counter when she puts her things down.

"What are you doing." Her voice is impassive.

"Watching the Flash, I just got home." I reply keeping my head glued to the TV screen.

"Is your homework done?" She asks, I pick up on a hint of snark in tone.

"Yeah." I say back at her with the same amount of snark, I can tell she is getting irritated. She starts talking about VA rehearsal, like I want to hear about that, I quit for a reason. She keeps going on and on about how everyone keeps messing up this arrangement she gave them, because my back is still turned to her I roll my eyes.

"I bet your favorite child didn't mess up." I say under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear me, she suddenly stops moving around the kitchen.

"Excuse me?" She says between clenched teeth.

"Nothing." I reply, its not even like I have anything against Rachel anymore, my mother just makes me so mad. Before I know it she has walked over and snatches the TV remote out of my hand turning it off.

"Why are you doing this again?" She says staring directly at me.

"Doing what? I didn't even do anything." I argue back throwing my hands up, besides, its not like what I said is untrue.

"You always do this, constantly claiming that I think Rachel is more important and I am sick of it!" She says, I snort.

"Your kidding right? You are actually trying to deny the fact that you favor her over me." I say in disbelief. "You know what, whatever I don't care anymore." I say with my hands on my face. "I'm going to bed." I walk away, my mother watches me as I leave, she doesn't try to stop me and she doesn't say anything, she just watches and that's what makes me mad. She doesn't even care enough to try and rebut me, to convince me that what I said isn't true because she knows it is. I feel like she doesn't care about our relationship anymore, not that she ever really did. She doesn't try to salvage it even though I do; now I am afraid there isn't anything to salvage. We've clashed for so long, we can barely hold a conversation without arguing, and that's tiring. I just don't understand, is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I tried to please her by joining VA and that didn't work, so what am I suppose to do now? I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing ever changes. That settles it I guess, I have officially given up all hope on ever having a relationship with Shelby Corcoran.

It's been a good couple of weeks since I've decided to give up all hope of trying to co-exist with my mother. We don't talk; mostly I just avoid her at school and at home. Whenever we do have an occasionally interaction it is only for a few seconds. As I walk down the hallway to my next class, I can see Rachel headed straight towards me. Rachel and I have actually been getting along which is great because I don't need any more drama in my life. She stops me by the lockers on the left side of the hall.

"Hey Sky, can I ask you something really quick?" She says in a chipper tone, I still don't understand how she has so much energy all the time.

"Sure, what's up?" I say not really sure where this conversation is going.

"Well… um… are you ok?" She asks me, I raise a brow.

"Yeah… I'm fine, why do you ask?" I say staring her down, one thing I've found is that Rachel is easy to crack under pressure and also she is bad at keeping secrets.

"Oh, I don't know I was just wondering..." She trails off with a small smile, I won't let her off that easily.

"Did mom tell you to ask me?" I say cornering her because I can see her trying to find a way out of the conversation.

"No, of course not why would you even think that?" She says ringing her hands together and looking away from me, I can tell that she is straight up lying.

"Why did she ask you to do this?" I ask as Rachel tries to back away.

"Ok, ok, ok," She leans in to whisper to me, "She told me to keep it nonchalant, you weren't suppose to find out she sent me ok so don't tell her I told you."

"You didn't answer my question." I reply.

"I don't really know, I'm just doing as I'm told. I guess she's worried about you." She says shrugging.

"Why couldn't she just ask me herself?" I say annoyed.

"She said you would be more willing to talk to me than to her." Rachel says looking at her watch. "I better get to class."

"Ok, well just tell her that I'm fine, because I am." I say as I begin to walk away, Rachel nods.

I don't know what it is but lately I feel so unmotivated to do anything. I just feel like I am dragging my body around all day, even fun stuff like dance isn't really that fun anymore, its just like another thing I have to do. I feel so shitty all the time, which sucks. I don't know what it is but every time I am around my mom I feel overwhelmed and anxious, its like I can't even be around her anymore because I feel like she hates me so much. I've started to think about our relationship and how everything has gone wrong, there are a million things that I am doing but that is the only thing I can think about. It's like I'm obsessing over it and I am over analyzing every little detail which in turn is making me feel worse about myself.

I sit in English class and I am completely tuned out, as Mr. Wright come around and passes our assignments, I look over the sheet, we have to write about family themes, I don't even read over the entire assignment and I feel my stomach turn upside down, I feel like I am going to throw up. Suddenly everything washes over me, it's like a fucking tsunami hit me right in the gut. I hold my head in my hands because I know I'm going to cry. I just sit there for a couple of minutes because I don't know what to do. Even though I'm not looking I can tell that people are staring at me. I want to play it cool and just tell myself to stop crying but I can't do it. I can feel myself shaking as I try to absorb the tears and hold everything in. I know that leaving will bring attention to myself but at this point I don't have any other option, so I just grab my stuff and go. I hurry out of the classroom and I don't get to far before I just sink to the ground and curl up against the lockers. I start to violently sob, a type of crying that I've never experienced before, my head in my arms as I sit in a defensive ball on the floor. Its not just sadness that's pouring out of me, it's a mixture of confusion, anger and hopelessness, all of the things that have been suppressed for so long. As I sit there rocking back and forth, I contemplate all of the questions I have been too scared to ask myself. Why doesn't she want me? Why am I not good enough for her? Will there ever be anyone who will love me? I stop crying and just sit in the hallway still with my head in my hands. I hear footsteps coming towards me, shit. The footsteps stop and I can see the kitten heels standing right in front of me.

"Skylar, honey? Are you alright?" The voice says from above me, I can't recognize who it is. I just sit there for a while unresponsive but the person doesn't leave so I just shake my head.

"Why don't you come with me." The voice says, I look up at her, it's the guidance counselor. I've never really talked to her so I don't know what to do. "Let me help you get sorted out ok." I nod. She waits as I grab my backpack and follow behind her in silence. We walk back to her office where she motions for me to take a seat, which I do. Instead of sitting behind her desk she sits next to me, which I think is odd.

"Having a bad day?" She asks looking at me with concern. I nod. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.

"Not really." I say, that's the first time I've spoken since I've cried, my voice sounds raspy.

"Ok, well do you want me to call your mother in here?" She asks, I shake my head vigorously.

"Please don't to that." I am almost begging her.

"Alright, well you seem like you were pretty distressed out there in the hall so I don't want to make you go back to class. You can just hang out here for a while, and if you feel like talking just says so ok?" I nod in conformation. The truth is I am terrified to talk to someone about this. I know I'm mad at my mom and everything but I don't want to just tell people about it, it makes her seem like some sort of villain and no matter how mad I am at her I also feel like its not completely her fault. So I just sit there for about an hour, the guidance counselor goes into the hall for a minute and I think about leaving but I can't muster up the will power to do so. About fifteen minutes later she comes back in but I can sense another person in the room. I turn around quickly and my mother is standing in the door looking directly at me. Shit. I can't read her, I don't know if she's mad, or sympathetic, her face is just blank. I also don't know how much she knows, I guess she knows whatever the guidance counselor told her which isn't much. She motions for me to follow her outside so I do because I don't want to disobey her at the moment in fear that she will lose it.

"I'm taking you home." She says as I follow her down the hall.

"Oh, you don't have to do that, I'm fine now I can go back to class." I say anything to avoid having to talk with her about this.

"No, you're going home." She says again.

"But you have rehearsal-" I argue.

"Skylar, enough." She says, turning around and looking at me, I shut up. I follow her to the car in silence. We drive home in silence. As soon as I follow her into the house she points at the kitchen table so I sit. She sits across from me; with one hand holding her head she looks at me her face is sullen.

"What happened today." She asks me. I shrug.

"I don't know." I reply, with one hand on her head still she nods.

"Describe how you feel to me." She says.

"How I feel now?"

"Sure." I think for a minute because I don't know how I feel.

"I feel confused I think." I finally said, there is silence again.

"When you walked out of class today how did you feel."

"I felt helpless." I say, it feels like it echoes around the room.

"Is that it?"

"No."

"What else did you feel?"

"I felt worthless. And useless and I felt angry." I said, I can see tears rolling down my mother's cheeks. She wipes her face, its red and she closes her eyes. I can feel myself crying too and this time I don't try to stop if, I just sit there and let myself cry. My mother gets up and walks over to me, she practically grabs me out of my chair and holds me so tight. We cry into each other, she repeats the words I'm sorry at least twenty times as she places her lips on my forehead and then pulls me into her chest. We stay like that for a while and I don't mind really.

"Mom, what am I doing wrong?" I just comes out, I didn't mean to ask. She looks up at me confused.

"What? Oh god nothing." She says pulling me closer. "You've done nothing wrong."

"Then why don't you like me?" I ask her I start to cry harder, she sighs heavily.

"I love you sky."

"You don't act like it." I say semi annoyed.

"I know, this is all my fault, everything is my fault. Do you understand me, don't you dare blame yourself for this." She pulls me head away from my chest to make sure I am looking her in the face. "Its my incapability to form relationships, and I should have known that when I had a child I would have needed to fix that but I didn't. I was selfish and naive, it's my fault." I nod at her. "I felt guilty about Rachel and every time I looked at you I couldn't help but think of her and it hurt me so much when you were first born. I couldn't stand my self and my decisions, I hated myself." She says this looking at me. " It was so childish to neglect you because of my foolish behavior and mistakes. I've let this go on for too long." She tucks my hair behind me ear and cups my face in her hands. "Now you listen to me, you are such a gift. You are miracle, and god knows what I did because I don't deserve you precious girl. I love you do you understand? I love you with all of my heart and I promise that I will try to fix as much of this as I can. I have two years before both of you leave me and I need to make this right." I fall into her arms once more and I let her hold me for what seems like an eternity.

A/N: Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Reviews and ideas are greatly appreciated!