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Chapter 13

TRIS

~One Week Later~

I wake up, and I know something is different, and I look around to see what it could be. The sun is rising, just like every other morning. My gym back is packed and suspended on my door, ready to go. The walls and pictures are untouched around the room, but what is it that is so different?

I look across my room at the mirror sitting on my dresser. And then I see it; it's me, I'm what's different. If the old me from a few months ago could see me now, that old me wouldn't believe it. A few months ago, I was broken. I was sleep walking through life, not living, only barely surviving. But now, I actually kind of enjoy waking up in the morning, waiting to see what will unfold each day. Before, I would count down the minutes till it was all over.

Look at last night, I went to the game and I stood with Christina. Granted, it was an away game, but the team the guys played is in the same conference, so they weren't far away. Like I promised, I was in the stands, but I was with the students. Well, the few that were there. Of course the section was not lacking, but there weren't as many as usual. Christina and I stood on the edge, and it probably doesn't count as being in the student section. It's close enough for me, though.

The guys won again, and they are undefeated so far this season. Who would have thought? Well, Four did. He has such a confidence in himself and his team; he really is a good leader. He proved that last night; the game was really close, until the guys went into the locker room for half time. Something happened in there, because when they came out for the second half, they had this energy that carried them ahead and to a victory.

Now, I'm going paint-balling. Paint-balling? I don't even know what it is and I am still doing it. I guess I am curious to see what will happen, but I feel this energy and excitement slowly begin to build in me, too. I haven't felt this energy in so long, the feeling is a little unfamiliar.

Like every other time my feelings don't make sense, I grab my sketch book out and begin to draw. I open up to a new page and begin translating my busy mind into curves on a page. But unlike the pages before, this one isn't so... sad, monstrous, and dark. It sparks life. And I like it, I really do.

Breath in, breath out. Focus on your breaths and relax. I am low, crouched to the ground, and I hold a gun in my hands. Not a real gun, but one that holds paint instead of bullets. Painful, but survivable. Even though it's fake, I can feel the power radiating through my fingers. The power is a little overwhelming because I know what power can lead to. Destruction. I know that power can go into a downward spiral that cannot be stopped. I've seen it happen right before my eyes. I hold power in my hands, and I actually like it. The weight in my arms feels uncomfortable at first, but it's only because I am not used to it. And I'm not afraid.

Someone slams up against the wall I am behind, and it's Christina.

"Ooh, isn't this awesome." She says out of breath. She's on my team, along with Four, Will and Lynn. The guys on the other team are Zeke, Shauna, Uriah, and Marlene. Zeke and Four were voted captains, not much of a surprise.

But what did surprise me some was that Four picked me first, before all the others. Maybe he's trying to be nice, make me feel better because I actually came. But maybe it's more than that. Four, though, he's smart. He has to have a strategy to win, because that is who he is. He'll look at something and find the best way to handle it.

"Hey, I was wondering where my team went." Four says as he crouches down next to us. "Lynn texted me saying she shot Uriah trying to get our flag, but it's still protected and they're down a player."

Everyone thought it was a fun idea to add a flag to the mix, like I know how to play paintball to begin with. I quickly am picking up on it, though. Christina and I are supposed to be staking out for the other team's flag, Lynn is guarding our own, and Four is leading the group through it all.

"How are you guys doing?" Four asks.

"Honestly," Christina says, "this is hard as hell. I have no clue where it is or where to look anymore."

Four runs a hand through his hair, and says, "Okay, Christina, why don't you go with Lynn and guard the flag. I'll go with Tris and try to find it."

"Alright, keep your phone on you." And she runs back to where Lynn is with our flag. Now it is just Four and myself.

"So," he says, "any ideas as to how to find their flag?"

At first I don't say anything, just think. How would I find their flag? Christina and I have tried what feels like everything to find the other team's flag. We've tried sneaking around, getting down low, spying through small place, but none of it has worked. I'm so small, and I'm fast, that's what I've used already. But I have to think different, what else could I do. Then it hits me.

"We've got to get higher." I say.

"What do you mean?"

"Staying low hasn't worked so far. We have to climb up higher to find the other team."

He gets a strained look in his eye, but he does not stagger on it. "Okay, how do you suggest we do that?"

I look around and try to find something to climb. There are several different one story shacks, but none tall enough to see on top of. Then I see it. Off over to the side is an old abandoned water tower. I can see a ladder running along the side leading up to the top of the tower.

"That's it! Over there, look." I say pointing to the water tower. Before I can get a response, I am up and making my way across the way to the tower and climbing up the rusted rungs.

"Are you sure about this?" He asks.

"You don't have to follow me; you can stay down here and watch."

"No, I'm coming up with you." And I hear him begin to climb with me. He is faster than me and in no time, he is right at my feet. We're like this for a while, climbing and quiet, but then he starts to talk.

"You having fun?" He says with short breaths.

"I guess; I mean, I've never done this before so it's a little weird, but a good weird. It's been a while since I've done something out of my comfort zone. But I will say I've never climbed a water tower before."

"I'll second that. There is a reason people don't do this on a day to day basis."

"I don't know," I say with a smirk. "It's pretty fun if you ask me. And I'll remind you that you didn't have to come up here; I can do this."

"Undoubtedly. You know maybe I wanted to be up here so I could be here with you." He says and I don't know if he is joking or being serious. I don't have much time to think about it because I am at the railing. I pull myself up so I am sitting on the edge with my feet dangling while Four glues his back to the wall, as far away from the edge as possible. His breathing is even more scattered and he has a look of fear in his eyes.

"Are you okay? Is it... the height?" I ask him.

"It's nothing; I'll be fine."

"Undoubtedly." I say, mocking him a little, "Everyone's afraid of something, you know; it only makes us human. How we deal with it, well, that is different for everyone."

"I try to ignore it, pretend my fear doesn't exist."

"I wish it always that easy." I say under my breath. "We're not high enough. This tree line is too high, I just need a few more feet."

"Are you kidding? There's nowhere else to go."

"Yeah there is, look. Right over there is a section of rungs going up a few feet, it's not much but it'll do." He gives me a weary look, but I reassure him. "It's okay, if you stay below me, holding on, I'll be fine."

"Okay, I'm not letting you do this on your own."

We walk over and I put my feet on the first rung and I feel his hands loosely grasping my ankles. I climb up, but I need to go to the top to see. It's not that much higher, but Four can no longer hold onto me.

"Tris?"

"I'll be fine, it's okay."

He gives a sigh, but doesn't protest. I climb a little higher and I see a light with the others around it. They're next to a big tree, and I see the neon orange flag hiding in a whole in the tree.

"I see it!" I exclaim.

"Great, now would you climb down please?"

I give a laugh. "Okay."

As I descend the steps I slip just enough to lose my balance and fall. My heart skips a beat and I feel a scream break my lips. But as soon as I am falling, I stop as a pair of arms catch me. I look into his eyes, and it's like time is frozen. It's just him holding me in his arms, the two of us and no one else.

"Umm," I say, "thanks for catching me."

"I got you, don't forget that."

"Okay. We should start climbing down and go win this game."

"Sounds good to me!" I text Christina letting her know where the other team's flag is and we begin to climb down. I notice Four's breathing gets better with every inch we descend closer to the ground. The moment we touch the ground, he grabs my hand and we run in the direction of the other team's flag.

I love the adrenaline coursing through my veins and losing my breath as we run. Four suggests a good plan, and all I process is that he will cover me as I climb the tree to the flag. We begin to slow our pace as we get closer, and eventually we are hiding low, ready to pounce. It is only Uriah guarding their flag, and Four jumps out from the shrubs first. I follow right after him and block the world as I scurry up the tree.

I am so close, and I've never felt this drive... well, ever. I reach up and I clutch the orange piece of cloth. And we win!

We win!

I jump down from the tree and run out into the open as everyone comes up around me. Christina and Lynn run up, finally arriving. The four of us cheer, and not too much longer, the others join us. Somehow, the cheering turns into a who-can-get-the-most-paint-on-the-others contest. Paintballs begin to fly and everyone's jackets get splattered with every color of the rainbow.

It's all fun, I'll admit. But it is also a little overwhelming. I sneak away from the others to get some space for a moment. It's so stuffy, especially with this huge jacket on me. I look around to make sure no one is around, and I take it off. I had a light jacket on when I got here earlier this afternoon, but I took it off in the bathroom when I replaced it with my paintball jacket. But now, all I have is a V-neck that has fallen down during the game just low enough to reveal my scar. I try to pull up my shirt, but I can't tell if it gets covered.

I kind of don't care right now because the warm sun feels so good on my bare skin. It has been so long since I've been exposed to nothing but the sun. I lay down in the grass, letting the evening sun shine on me. I just lie there, not thinking about anything else and it feels amazing.

The sun is blocked, and I am covered by a shadow. At first I think it is a cloud, but then the darkness speaks.

"Tris... What is that?" Four says.

My eyes shoot open and terror rushes through my body. My heart drops and I can not breathe. I sit up and cover myself with the jacket that is to my side. I stand and begin to run, but he catches my arm.

"Tris, what's wrong? What is that on your chest?"

"I... I... I can't. I'm sorry... Just let me go!" I try to wring my arm free, but he is holding onto me.

"No, Tris-"

"Stop! Just leave me alone. Let me go. Just let me go! I knew this was a bad idea." And the tears begin to fall.

"You can't regret coming. You-"

"No, not coming... thinking I could make friends. This was all a big mistake! Let me go, NOW!" I pull my arm again and it finally breaks free. That's when I begin to run.

I don't know where I am going, but I do not care. I trust my feet to carry me away to a safer place. I've depended on my feet many times before; running has been a specialty of mine, in more ways than one. Who was I kidding? Who would want to be friends with a freak like me? I'm marked with scars that will never go away; I can never forget what happened to me.

The worst part is, I knew this would happen. I knew if I let my walls down and let people in, bad things would happen. That's what has always happened. Everyone I have ever cared about... They've left me. My mom, my dad, my brother, my friends. I can't take it anymore, I need to escape it all.

It is now that I see where I am. Tori's bar; not 21U, but one of her adult ones. How did I get here? Am I really that weak? The minute things get too rough, I break. That's how I was in the past. But that was the past, wasn't it? Those nights when nothing felt right, when no one was home and the only thing to keep me company were my sorrows and bottles. I would enter that world, a world on the edge of reality and imaginary, and I wouldn't feel as horrible. I would feel almost okay, but just for those few moments.

I can feel myself migrating towards the liquor cabinet, but I bring myself to a stop. No, I will not do this. I have worked too hard trying to build myself into someone bigger, someone better. The thing that surprises me the most, is that I have felt happier these past few weeks than I have in a long time. I am afraid that it may be ruined now, though. This situation is bad all on its own, I can't let it get worse with losing every ounce of strength I have built up to this point.

So I make my decision; I walk away. It's what she would have wanted. I am brave, but I am selfless too. I am selfless because I chose to live, because with some people it isn't a choice. I can't waste it. I am brave because I chose to move on, even if the whole moving part is slow. I will try, I promise. Even if it will take time, I will grow more. I will make them proud, no matter how long it takes. No matter how many troubles it takes. It will happen, even if it takes a thousand years.

I walk home, and the rain begins to downpour, erasing the paint from my body. It's like the water is cleaning me from what happened. I haven't felt truly clean so long, it takes every part of me to not just lay there on the ground and soak up the warm drops. But I keep moving forward, trying to relax my mind. Unsuccessfully.

I get back to the house and run in, not exclaiming my arrival. I run straight to my room to change into dry clothes. I don't bother to look at the mess I must be in the mirror. I fall into bed and it takes everything in me to try and stay awake, too afraid of the nightmares that will consume me.

But I fail to my falling eyes, and my slumbers turn on me the second I give in to them.

Author's Note

(Cue dramatic music.) The moment a lot of you have been waiting for... and the next chapter will be very juicy and will be coming soon. I changed the Ferris wheel to a water tower for two reasons. One, there is more of a chance that there is a water tower in a paintball area than a Ferris wheel. Two, I am saving the Ferris wheel for a future chapter. Please review!

Be brave, everyone!