A/N: Thank you all very much for the reviews! I love hearing what you all think of my little story. :) On a related note, I know some of the songs I use seem a bit off. I have actually thought about changing some of them (chapter 8 in particular), but have not found another song or songs that fit as well and might make more sense for Shep. So I am throwing it open to you, dear readers, if you have any suggestions for other songs that might fit better, I would love to hear them. Thanks!
It was all in all a very lazy day, for a change- nothing exploded, no attacks with the exception of the rubber band war that started up between a few of the scientists and Marines. John wasn't sure he even wanted to know how that got started, but there was no serious damage, human or otherwise, so all involved were released with a warning this time. Mid-afternoon found the dysfunctional family in the rec room, where most were watching Rodney get his ass kicked at foosball, by Carson, strangely enough. Little known talent, along with walking on his hands, the Scot rocked at foosball. No one knew quite why that was, but by this point only Rodney was generally cocky enough to challenge him and still expect to win. Even John wasn't that overconfident, then again, he'd been the one to discover this odd side talent of his boyfriend's. Turned out he could sing, too, but John was pretty sure he was the only one that knew that, and that Carson wasn't yet aware that he knew.
Shaking his head, he finally had to look away from the match that was quickly becoming more of a massacre than a match, John let the sounds of continuing chaos wash over him as he focused on the notebook he pulled out of his pocket. Bless BDU pockets, there's almost no limit to what you can stuff in them, John mused as he settled where he could both write and keep half an eye on the ongoing slaughter of a foosball game. He really wasn't worried about writing where the others could see him; they knew he was keeping a journal under orders from Dr. Heightmeyer for the moment and that he had a tendency to write whenever the mood struck him, just about. What he didn't have at the moment was his iPod, though he could mostly recall the song he wanted for this entry from memory, so that wasn't a huge problem.
Well, I should just about be winding this down now. I don't know that I'm better, per se, but it's a start, I'll admit. There are still a few things I need to tackle, but some of those are better done in person, rather than in writing, and I think I can handle that now. (Apologies for the handwriting being worse than normal, I'm watching Rodney try to teach Ronon and Teyla to play foosball by getting his ass kicked at it. Honestly, you would think he'd know better than to challenge Carson by now. I suppose the genius will learn one day. Until then it's fun to watch, even if he does whine a bit when he loses. So do I over some things…just not that. I know better than to think I can beat Carson at that. :) Not shameless ego flattery in the slightest…nope…of course not. *lol* Well, it isn't entirely, I do know better, but still…
I think it's safe to say I have about the strangest, most dysfunctional family in two galaxies. I love 'em, but you've got to admit, we do make for a rather odd group if you think about it too hard. And yet, somehow it works out. I long since gave up guessing why, and I'm not sure it matters. Family…it's odd to think that I have one now. Never really have before…At least I do if one defines family as a group of people you would willingly die to protect one minute, and threaten to kill them yourself the next. As endearing as they are infuriating. Or maybe that's just a side effect of my being the oldest.
But that brings me to the song for this episode: 'Gifts and Curses' by Yellowcard. (You'll have to forgive any misquoting on the lyrics this go round, I'm doing this without my iPod at the moment. )
"I see your face with every punch I take/and every bone I break/ it's all for you/ and my worst pains/are words I cannot say/ but still I will always/ fight on for you"
Yes, the song is on the Spider-man 2 soundtrack and in that is meant more as Spidey/ Peter reflecting on his relationship, or lack thereof in some ways, with Mary Jane. But most of the songs I've used so far have been taken out of context, so why would this one be different? It is in light of this, however, that I am choosing to stick with the chorus for this. Because if I'm being honest, and I'm having an increasing tendency to be while doing this, that is why I fight, why I haven't given up already. Yes, I took an oath to lay down my life for the mission, for the expedition. True, and I will if need be. That was actually an incredibly easy oath to take, at the time, as it was finding a reason to live that was hard. Dying didn't bother me so much, really. That usually seems to be the way it goes though- dying isn't the hard part, holding on to some reason to fight to survive, to live, that's hard.
Dying can be nothing more than simply giving up, it doesn't have to be anything especially spectacular. The hardest, really, is finding the will to fight when you're right on the edge of death, generally around the time your heart has already stopped, or is just about to, and the easiest thing in the world would be to let go, just stop fighting and let the darkness take you. So the theory goes, that can be one reason for losing patients in surgery or shortly thereafter who shouldn't have died- they're tired, it hurts too much, and they just give up, give in, and stop fighting. I've seen it happen before, I've almost given in to it myself a number of times. Drowning, hypothermia, concussions and blood loss, I've found, are among the hardest to fight against. You get so tired, being awake hurts like hell, and the darkness is almost too inviting to pass up. You start fading and find that the pain starts to go away, that you can make the pain stop, all you have to do is give in and fall asleep. Far easier than fighting to stay awake through the fatigue and the pain, even when you know that if you fall asleep you will likely never wake up again. Question then is, do you even care if you wake up again? If not, than it just got a whole lot easier to let it be over.
I've flirted with the idea before, but for some reason, be it stubbornness or something else, I've never quite been able to completely let go. So I've been told I have a bad tendency to push that 5 minute limit the docs have to get a patient's heart re-started after it stops before there is almost certainly brain damage of some degree. I think Jennifer told me once the closest call to date was 4 minutes 45 seconds out of 5. Pushin' it really tight to come back that time, apparently.
It's gotten easier though, to find the will, stubborn or otherwise, to fight to live. I still have plenty of misguided moments where I decide that the best way to protect my family, my home, is to die in their place. Last time I did that, I got an earful from Carson for it shortly after I woke up, and then my team laid into me simultaneously, and then Elizabeth got a hold of me. After sitting through 5 variants on the same lecture, I kind of got the point it wasn't the brightest idea I'd ever had. What got me really strange looks, however, was the fact Atlantis waited until I was back on my feet again to make it known that she wasn't pleased with me either. Mostly I remember feeling fairly punch-drunk after it was all over. I've gotten chewed out before, on numerous occasions, for a variety of transgressions, but this was different somehow. It finally dawned on me later why it was different: generally I've gotten lectured like that because someone was pissed at me for something or other. That wasn't what this was, really, they weren't happy with me, certainly, that was clear enough, but it took me a while to realize that it was less anger based and more due to having just scared them all rather badly. Something I do seem to be singularly good at. It's not unlike when most people get grounded as kids, you get upset about it at the time, but eventually you realize it only happened because your parents cared enough to punish you for whatever it was you did. Which might explain why I never got grounded, but it is a kind of counter-intuitive idea, that someone would yell at you, punish you, because they care about you. Mostly it just takes growing up to realize that there was at least supposed to be an object lesson in the punishment; that makes it make a little more sense. But somewhere in realizing that, as it applied to my situation in particular, I finally, truly started to realize I wasn't alone anymore. I'd known my own priorities had shifted from simply using the oath to lay down my life for the expedition as a convenient way to pursue a pre-existing death wish to somehow managing to work it so that I could still pursue that, but orient it towards fighting for something in particular while I was doing it. Namely, fighting to protect my team, who had at some point become my family, and my home, before I fully realized I had one. It started with being mostly confined to my teammates, but over actually a fairly short time expanded to become the family I have now. With allowances made for the fact that Carson and I weren't dating yet, but still. That came later. : )
Argh, but I've kind of wandered all over the place this time. Some of these have been worse with that than others. For better or for worse, however, there are only a couple more things I want to address this way. And again, a couple more I intend to address outside of this, but that's a different issue. Anyway, it's my turn to get my ass kicked at foosball. More on this later.
With that, John shoved notebook and pen back into the pocket he'd had them stashed in before and rejoined his family in the present, starting with getting his ass kicked at foosball by his boyfriend. Life was good.