A/N: Okay guys, here's the next installment. Please let me know what you think of the end conversation – I'm not sure I got it right…I was going for a feeling of acceptance and understanding. Not sure about forgiveness – I don't think they're ready for that. As always I love love love reviews!
Legal stuff: Don't own Lost or the characters. Also don't own the song 'Hurtin' Comes Easy' by Alan Jackson.
Chapter 14 – Hurtin' Comes Easy
I've spent a lifetime lookin' for love Hurtin' comes easy Well, I've seen people that got it made Chorus I've gotten used to getting over
Just when I find it, it comes undone
I've tried so hard to make love happen
Like some never endin' pattern
I end up on the sad side of the fun
Hurtin' comes easy
Hurtin' comes easy
For me
They've got someone and love looks great
But me, I've been to every doctor
I've tried it wild and tried it proper
And I always end up watchin' love walk away
That's ok
And hopefully as I grow older
Love won't be so difficult to see
But now for me
Jack sat at his desk reading through a medical chart on one of the various patients the Surgical Unit was doing a follow-up on. It seemed like these charts would never end and his secretary, Marcie, had made him promise that he would finish them before he left. Tired of sitting at his desk, he stood, stretched, and took the remaining files over to his couch. Laying down he opened the next one to read but found he couldn't concentrate – his eyelids felt heavy and started to droop. Blinking a couple of times he tried to focus on the document just as his eyes started to close again he heard soft knocking at his door jarring him back.
"Come in." he called out swinging his legs around to sit up.
The door opened and his mother, Margo, walked in. Looking refined as usual in black slacks and a light blue blouse, Margo Shepherd wore her dark hair in a long straight, stylish bob that just brushed the top of her shoulders.
"Mom," Jack exclaimed surprised to see her. He jumped up and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and small hug. "What are you doing here?"
The older woman smiled. "What? I can't come and see my son at work once in awhile?" she teased.
"No, of course." Jack chuckled as he lead her back over to the couch. "It's nice to see you."
"Ah huh, especially since you've only called me once since I've been back, Jack." Margo scolded.
"I'm sorry, mom. I've been busy with work."
"As if I haven't heard that excuse before." She retorted.
Jack blushed. "So, how was Rome and London?" he asked hoping to change the subject.
Margo had recently returned from spending several weeks abroad in Europe. It was during that trip that she got an email from her son telling her that he and Sarah had gotten married again, but with no real details. Despite the fact that she had sent him back a couple of emails asking what the heck was going on, she had gotten no reply. It had left her wondering what exactly had happened to Kate and why Jack had all of a sudden gone back and re-married the woman who had cheated and left him previously. It made no sense. The last time she had seen Jack he had been happily involved with Kate. Now she had been back two weeks waiting for Jack to come over to see her and explain, but since that hadn't happened she decided to take the bull by the horns and come see him.
"Rome was wonderful. The weather was a bit cloudy off and on but no real rain, just a few light afternoon showers." Margo told him. "Shelly and I even got to the Vatican City this time around."
"And did you get to attend the Pope's mass?" Jack asked.
"Yes, unfortunately, the plaza was packed so we weren't able to get as close as we would have liked, but it was a beautiful experience anyway."
"And I'm assuming you and Shelly got some shopping done?" he added.
Margo laughed. "Naturally. One can not go to Rome and not shop…especially for shoes."
Jack joined in her laughter. "And London?"
"London was rainy." Margo said quickly. "Now, Jack, how long are you going to avoid talking about this marriage of yours?" She asked bluntly.
Jack felt himself blushing…having been caught by his mother. "I had hoped to avoid the subject a little longer." He mumbled.
"Too bad." Margo replied. "Just how the hell did you end up married to Sarah again, Jack? What were you thinking? And what about you and Kate? I mean, I thought that was going somewhere."
Jack sighed deeply rubbing his hand behind his neck. He had been waiting for this…only he had hoped his mother would have stayed in Europe just a little longer. "Sarah is sick, mom." He finally said. "She has terminal cancer."
Margo's face fell. "What? Cancer? Oh my god, that poor girl." She exclaimed sadly.
"Yeah, she was diagnosed a few months back with stage four ovarian cancer."
"Ovarian cancer?" Margo reached over and grabbed Jack's hand squeezing it lightly. "That's usually hard to treat isn't it?"
Jack nodded. "Especially at this stage."
"Oh Jack, she's so young." Margo commented feeling at that moment for her ex-daughter in law and the battle she was facing.
Jack remained silent for a few moments to give Margo a chance to digest the news. Plus it gave him time to better formulate his explanation of the marriage.
"That's awful news, but Jack, marriage?" Margo finally asked.
Standing up he walked over to his office refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. Margo declined his offer of a bottle for herself. "She doesn't have any family and unfortunately because she's been feeling sick off and on for a few months before her diagnoses she couldn't work much and since she was freelancing that left her without medical insurance." He explained. "She asked me to consider marrying her so that she could be covered under my insurance…"
"You're not serious?" Margo interrupted angrily. "After how that woman cheated on you and then walked out on you, she had the gall to ask you for that?"
"Mom, she was desperate. She didn't have anyone else to turn to." He pointed out.
"Really? And what about that man she left you for? Where is he?"
"They broke up awhile back ago and he's not in the picture anymore." Jack told her. "Like I said, she doesn't have anyone else."
"Well, Jack, that's really not your problem." His mother pointed out. "She stopped being your responsibility the day she filed for divorce."
"Mom…"
"Jack, please!" Margo snapped. "I can't believe you're going to sit there and tell me that she didn't have anyone else to turn to?" She made not attempt to hide the dislike she held for Sarah since the divorce.
"Apparently she didn't." Jack replied frustrated. He took a quick deep breath. "You know she had a small family and with her parents dead…"
"Surely, there could have been some other way to help her besides marrying her?" Margo questioned. She was confused by the whole situation and Jack's explanations were not helping to clear things up. She decided to approach it from a different angle. "What about Kate?" She asked. "Did you just leave her by the wayside?"
NO!" Jack told her, the word coming out harsher than he intended and he instantly regretted it. "I'm sorry."
Margo saw the brief look of pain cross her son's face before he pushed it aside. He definitely was not having any easy time with this. "Jack, where does Kate fit in all this? I mean, how did she take it?''
Jack closed his eyes and took another deep breath. "Actually mom, it was her idea – me marrying Sarah."
"What?" Margo was again taken by surprise. "Why would Kate agree to such a thing?"
"It's a long story, mom." Jack sighed draining the last of the water from the bottle. "Her mom died of cancer alone during the time that Kate was in Australia. She blames herself and she thinks that somehow some of her guilt will be taken away if she makes sure Sarah doesn't die alone."
Margo gasped softly at the idea. How could Kate think giving up Jack would absolve her guilt? Push the man you love to go and marry another woman to keep her from dying alone? How much guilt was she carrying around? Margo thought to herself. It makes no sense. She told Jack as much.
"I know, mom. But she was very adamant about it." He told her.
"And you just went along with it?"
"It was either that or risk losing Kate completely down the line." Jack said. Noticing the confused look on his mom's face he continued. "She told me she was afraid that if she felt like we didn't do everything we could to help out Sarah it would come back to hurt us later on. She said that she thought it could cause problems between us and break us apart." Jack dropped his head into his hands. Margo reached over and gently rubbed his shoulder to comfort him. "I'm sorry, Jack." She said softly, her empathy for his situation showing in her tone.
"Yeah, me too." He replied. "She insists we'll get back to our life together after Sarah is gone."
Margo could hear the hurt in her son's voice and suddenly he became her little boy again. But unlike when he was 4 years old Margo couldn't make his hurt go away with a kiss on the forehead and a cookie. "Do you love Kate?" She finally asked.
Jack abruptly looked up surprised by her question. "What?"
"Do you love Kate?" Margo asked again.
"Of course I do." He replied emphatically.
She smiled. "Good, then, at this point, all you can do is hold on to that love and trust that you two find your way back to each other." She commented. "You two have something special, Jack. I saw that the first time I met Kate. She completes you. She helps you realize just what a wonderful man you've become."
Jack gave his mother a small smile. "I'm sure Kate would be happy to hear you say that."
"She already has." Margo replied. "I told her as much the last time the three of us had dinner."
"Really?" Jack smirked. "She didn't tell me that."
"Because she wasn't suppose to," Margo pointed out. "It was between she and I."
Jack shook his head and he smiled again. He couldn't believe what he was hearing from her. Margo had hardly ever been what you would call a 'cheerleader' when Jack was growing up. She preferred her child to face life realistically and left out the whimsical and always optimistic views.
"So how about I buy my mom some dinner?" he offered.
Margo took a quick glance at the small pile of medical folders on the coffee table and arched her eyebrow. "Are you trying to get out of paperwork?"
Jack shook his head side to side. "Ah…yeah." He smiled. "But if I tell Marcie that I took my mom out for a long overdue dinner then she won't hold it against me for not finishing the charts until the morning."
Standing up Margo hooked her arm through Jack's and gave him a warm smile. "I remember your father using the same excuse to get out of his paperwork." She joked.
"Who do you think I learned it from?" Jack teased back.
Margo laughed. "Alright, young man, but I must insist…no hospital cafeteria."
A few hours later Jack walked into his living room expecting to find it empty and Sarah asleep in her room. It was late. After dinner Margot had suggested they go listen to some jazz music at one of the jazz clubs nearby. Feeling guilty because he hadn't spent more time with his mother Jack had agreed. It had turned out to be a more pleasant evening than Jack had originally imagined. Margot had made her peace with her husband's death and after having thought she had also lost her only son in the crash and finding him alive she had vowed to solidify her relationship with Jack after the rescue.
As he walked into the living room he found Sarah dozing on the recliner in front of the television. Surprised to find her there he flipped on the lamp and shut the television. The light caused her to stir. Rolling over and opening her eyes she saw Jack standing at the end of the sofa.
"Hi" She said groggily. "You're home."
"Yeah, but what are you doing up? It's late." He loosened his tie and took off his jacket. "Are you feeling okay?"
"Yeah," She nodded, "Well, as okay as you can feel two days after chemo treatment."
"You really should be getting your rest, Sarah." He said slipping into doctor mode for a moment.
"I am." She insisted. "It's just that…well…I haven't really seen you much the last couple of days."
"I've been working with a patient." Jack interrupted.
"I know." Sarah sighed. "There's always another patient."
Jack walked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. Suddenly he had flashbacks to their first marriage. "I really don't want to get into this now, Sarah. It's late…"
"I don't want to either." Sarah followed him into the kitchen. "I don't want to start a fight."
"Well, you have a funny way of showing it." He replied sarcastically.
Sarah took a deep breath not wanting to reply until she could do it without sounding bitchy. She couldn't believe how tense things had become between her and Jack. It was worse than at the end of their first marriage. Sure he took her to her doctor's appointments, held her hand when they drew blood, made sure she ate when her stomach let her and helped her when her stomach didn't, but all the comfort and compassion he bestowed on her was while he was in doctor's mode. His eyes didn't seem to hold the same warmth she remembered when he had told her she would dance at her wedding. Or even the same love when he asked her to be his wife. That part of Jack was gone for her and in its place there was instead a wall of resentment.
'What did you expect?' She told herself. 'You had him give up a part of his life.' "I'm sorry." She said softly.
Jack finished his glass of water and poured himself another. "It's alright."
"It's just that we haven't really seen each other much these last couple of days and I just…I just wanted to see how you are." Sarah tried to explain.
Jack nodded his head slowly. "I'm fine, thanks."
"So, were you working late tonight?" Sarah asked encouraged by the tone of his previous answer.
"No, actually, I had dinner with my mom."
"Really? With Margot?" Sarah was a bit surprised. During their marriage Jack hadn't really been too close with his mother.
Jack nodded. "She came by the hospital to see me since I hadn't called her since she got back from Europe."
"Oh?" Sarah frowned. "So, does she know about us?"
Jack bristled at her use of the word "us". It made it sound like they were a couple. "I told her we're married and the reasons why." He explained as he made his way over to the living room.
Sarah followed. "I wish you hadn't told her why."
"Why not, Sarah, it's the truth." He retorted.
"I know, but your mother wasn't too fond of me before, now I can only imagine what she thinks of me." Sarah sat back down on the recliner.
Jack didn't answer her for a moment. "She wasn't happy." He finally admitted.
"And I'm sure she found a way to blame me for all of this too."
"Sarah…" Jack started to say.
"It's true, Jack!" Sarah interrupted feeling herself getting upset at the thought of her mother-in-law. "She didn't like me before we got married the first time and she hated me when we divorced."
"Well, can you really blame her?" Jack defended his mother. "You cheated on her son."
Sarah shot him a glare but didn't reply. How could she? It was true. "Still, I would have preferred to leave out why you married me." She pouted.
Jack sighed. He was tired and all he wanted was a quick shower before going to bed. He was not feeling up to a drawn out conversation about his mom and her relationship with Sarah.
"Look Sarah, what was I suppose to do, huh? My mom gets an email from her son telling her that he remarried his ex-wife. The same ex-wife that had an affair and then left him for another man." Jack countered. "This, when just two weeks earlier she had had dinner with me and Kate and had told me how glad she was I was happy again."
Sarah felt hurt hearing that last part 'how glad she was I was happy again.' Kate had made him happy again, but she shouldn't be so surprised to hear that, she thought to herself. Sarah had heard their laughter coming from the open window that day she went to the house and told Jack about her cancer. She had seen the look they had exchanged when Sarah had asked to speak to him alone.
"I guess you're right." She conceded. "It wouldn't have made sense to her otherwise."
Jack nodded in agreement. "Besides I'm not lying to my mother…not about this."
Sarah nodded but didn't say anything. Bowing her head she played with her wedding ring – a plain gold band – there was no engagement ring this time around. Another example that this marriage was a business arrangement.
"Do you still love her?" She finally asked in a voice just above a whisper.
"Who? My mom?" Jack was confused by her sudden question.
Sarah shook her head. "No, I mean Kate. Do you still love her?" She looked up, her blue eyes trying to search his, revealing her need to know. She saw him visibly tense up and look away. He was not easily inclined to discuss his feeling for Kate with his ex-wife.
"Sarah, look, I don't think…"
"Jack, please, just answer the question." She spoke up.
"Why?" he turned it around. "Why do you want to know?"
Needing to do something with her hands Sarah nervously reached over and grabbed a pillow from the sofa and laid it in her lap. "I thought…I…it might help me…us deal with thing around here better."
"Deal with what things?" Jack took a seat on the couch across from Sarah who was still in her recliner.
"Things, Jack. Things like this…this tension between us. Like how we hardly ever talk except about your work, or my illness. Like how we don't spend much time together outside of doctors appointments and how it's polite dinner conversation a couple of times a week when you make it home in time." Sarah spit out. "Those things."
"And just what exactly were you expecting?" Jack answered back angrily. "You wanted medical insurance and someone to take you to your doctors appointments, you got that!"
"Along with a plateful of resentment!" She shot back knowing how unfair she was being at the moment but unable to stop herself.
Jack looked up at her, his face full of anger. "What the hell, Sarah? Did you think I'd be thrilled to be back married to you again?
Sarah sighed. "There was a time when you were."
Jack laughed bitterly, not believing where this conversation was going. "Yeah, and we both know what that got me, don't we? Blew up in my face pretty good."
Sarah could feel tears starting up. "You're never going to forgive me for that, are you?"
Jack ran his hand over the back of his head in frustration. "Sarah, you cheated on me!" He exclaimed.
"I know that!" She stood up from the recliner, her voice full of emotion. "I know what I did, Jack! You don't have to keep reminding me! I made a mistake…a big mistake and I've had to live with that ever since. But you weren't exactly innocent in all of this either!"
"What?"
"You left the marriage before I ever did." She said accusingly. "Always at the hospital. Always putting your patients before your wife. Do you even know who many nights I ate dinner alone feeling like crap because my husband would rather spend his time in a sterile hospital than with me?"
Jack felt stung by her words. "Those patients needed me." He defended somewhat weakly.
"So did I!" She angrily told him. "I may have been cured but that didn't mean I still didn't need you. And you weren't there! Time and time again you weren't there!"
"So, you went out and found someone else." He felt his throat tighten at the memory of the night Sarah had told him she had found someone else and was leaving him.
Sarah pinched the bridge of her nose and rubbed her tired eyes. Jack instantly felt guilty for getting her so worked up, especially since she was probably still weak from her last chemo. She needed rest not stress.
"I found someone else because I felt lonely and lost." Sarah explained lowering her voice. "I wanted to be loved and needed again." She sat back down in the recliner. "Randy reminded me what it felt like to be with someone again. I mean truly 'be with someone.' " She looked over at her ex-husband and saw the hurt in his eyes. "You couldn't help it Jack. You just didn't love me enough." She told him.
He looked up at her surprised by her comment. "Sarah, I…"
"And it hurt Jack." She continued. "It hurt to know that no matter what I did you…a big part of you had already left me. Or maybe it was never with me to begin with." She surmised.
Jack nodded his head. She was right – the doubts he had the night before the ceremony, his inability to write his wedding vows, to express his love for Sarah on paper, the fact that he had found it easy at times to put last minute things that came up at the hospital ahead of a planned night out with Sarah were all evidence of what she was telling him. "I'm sorry." He said softly. "I never meant to hurt you."
She nodded accepting his sincere apology. "And now here we are married again, albeit under difference circumstances, but married just the same."
"But it's not the same, Sarah." He told her.
"I know. You don't love me and I'm dying." She said calmly.
"Damn it, Sarah!" He protested hating her talk like that about her mortality.
But Sarah put her hand up. "No, it's true." She replied. "And I know that you're not happy with all this." She felt tears starting up again and made a small swipe under her eyes with her hand. "I just blew in and turned your world upside down. Made you do all this. But I want you to know how much I truly appreciate what you've done for me Jack. I know what you've sacrificed and for that I'm grateful. You could have turned your back on me – especially after all we've been though, but you didn't. You didn't because you're a special man, Jack Shepard." She said tearfully.
He nodded but didn't say anything choosing to keep his gaze on the floor.
"So, back to my question." Sarah said softly. Do you still love Kate?"
Jack looked up slowly and Sarah could see his eyes cloud over with emotion then she saw it…what she had been looking for earlier…love.
"Yeah," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. "More than ever."
TBC
Upcoming chapter: A little bit of mama Kate and a little bit of poker playing Jack as the "boys" get together.