A/N I'm wondering if the site has problems again. I had very few reviews for chapter 13, which disappointed me until AriaAdagio let me know that she didn't receive an update alert for the chapter. I hope very much that the problem, whatever it is, will be sorted soon. I hope it isn't just a case of people being sick of the story and just not bothering any more. Fingers crossed that this chapter will get more reviews. I hope very much to try to get one more chapter up, besides this, before I go away for a few days next week for my sister's wedding, however, that will depend on if I get time. I'm aware of the long waits I've already inflicted on you, and how drawn out the early chapters of this were, which you've stuck with, so I promise, I will try, assuming of course this gets reviews. If it doesn't, then I'll re-think. Please, read, enjoy, but please, also, review.
Derek lay on his side, almost holding his breath until he heard Meredith leave the room. He sensed that she must have known he was awake. He felt her eyes on his back as she got out of bed and stood, just for a moment, watching him. He wished he could have turned over and offered her something, maybe taken her hand or smiled at her, or grabbed her in his arms and kissed her. He wished he could have done something, anything to close the gap that seemed to have opened up between them. Instead, like a fool, he told himself, a pathetic, weak fool, he stayed there, unable to turn over and look into his girlfriend's eyes. He stayed where he was and let her go, probably giving her the idea that the mess between them was her fault, when it was obviously his.
Derek turned over at last, onto his back, and pulled the bedclothes aside, but didn't make any move to get up. He lay there, in the dark blue t-shirt and shorts he had slept in, his hair a tangled mess against the pillow, and stared at the ceiling. He turned over the last few days in his mind, wondering when exactly everything had started to collapse.
Derek cast his mind back to the night at the trailer after he and Meredith got back together. The first time he couldn't keep control of himself was uncomfortable. Then they'd laughed it off, dismissed it as just one of those things that happen sometimes. When they tried later, it became embarrassing, and Meredith was already sure that somehow she was to blame. Derek remembered rushing to reassure her, to wipe away the look in her eyes, a look filled with a whirlwind of feelings, the most obvious being that she thought that she had messed up somehow, and fear of what that might mean.
He offered her words, small tokens that seemed to calm the storm, but still couldn't entirely quell the torrent of questions in her eyes, a thousand things he didn't have any answers for because he didn't understand it any more than she did. Now it had happened again, had been happening over and over for days, and somehow he had lost the strength to offer Meredith anything. Something that seemed like a small crack, a fault line between them at first, was rapidly opening up, pushing them further and further apart, and Derek knew he was powerless. He couldn't give Meredith the comfort she needed because he was fighting to keep himself above the weight of shame and inadequacy that was threatening him from all sides. Everything that made Derek Shepherd who he was seemed to be crashing all around him and there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. The only thing he knew was that he had failed. He had failed Meredith and was hurting her again, but as much as he hated himself for it, he didn't know how to stop. He lived in fear that she would turn to her friends and tell them about the problem. He winced at the thought of how Christina would react. Izzie's prying in the kitchen just a few days before had been humiliating enough, though, thank God, Meredith hadn't said a word. She'd gone out of her way to make Izzie stop pushing. It helped for a while, though now it made him feel even more guilty. She was trying to shield him and he responded to it by giving her silence. He hated himself, but couldn't make himself stop. Talking about it would make the problem real and he couldn't do that, not yet. He couldn't face it.
The nights were the worst. Derek lay in bed next to Meredith, not daring to get too close in case she took it as an invitation and he failed her again. He lay with his back to her, more awake than asleep, listening to her breathing. He knew she was watching him, waiting for him to say or do something, but he couldn't do it. Instead, he lay, almost holding his breath, until he heard Meredith's breathing slow, an indication that she was asleep.
The awkwardness that consumed them at night lingered on through the day. It was as if they didn't know what to say to each other anymore. Soon they were living in almost total silence. The only time they talked was at the hospital, and then it was purely about cases they were both involved in. It wasn't so much that Derek didn't want to talk to Meredith, so much as he didn't know how to talk her, not about this. He didn't have a clue how to even begin. How could he begin to talk to her about the problem when he couldn't even think about it without feeling sick? How could he talk about this when all he wanted to do was forget it and pretend it wasn't happening? This happened to other men, not to him, not to Derek Shepherd.
Derek told himself he didn't know what to say to Meredith to make the problem better. He knew inside that was only half true. Inside he knew that sooner or later Meredith would give up on him and distancing himself now would make that easier when it happened, when she realised that she didn't want someone who couldn't give her what she needed. As much as Derek knew Meredith wouldn't be unfaithful, she would never betray him in the way Addison had with Mark, she still had needs. She was young and beautiful and men would want her. God, only a year before he had been one of them, a man who had seen a beautiful woman alone in a bar, knocking tequila back like it was going out of fashion.
Derek remembered sitting at a table, watching the girl in the sexy black dress, his eyes drawn to her like nails to a magnet. Then he couldn't take it any more and moved, taking a place beside her at the bar, and, right there, he was hooked, mesmerised by this tiny thing who was an intoxicating mix of innocence and sensuality. He knew he wasn't that drunk when she asked him back to her place, he could have said no, told her he was married, and that would have been that. Instead, he nodded, paid Joe for their drinks and followed her. She'd drunk more than him, but Derek told himself he wasn't taking advantage. Something about this girl seemed right somehow, she seemed to fit with him like no one else ever had, including Addison, so when they got through her front door, he didn't even try to resist when she pushed her body against his and kissed him. Soon they were both naked, their bodies wrapped together on her living room floor and he was inside her, feeling more like himself than he had in years.
Right from the beginning sex had been a major part of their relationship. From the time Meredith stopped trying to resist getting involved with him when she realised he was effectively her boss, they hadn't been able to get enough. Derek remembered all the sneaking around he did with her in the beginning, when she didn't want her friends to know what was going on between them. He'd have to wake practically at the crack of dawn and creep down her stairs and out of the house, so that her friends and fellow interns didn't see him. Then there was the night when he turned up at a party at her place that Izzie had organised. He found her, on her front lawn, Tequila in her hand, swaying to music. They ended up having sex in his car like a couple of horny teenagers, until they were discovered by Miranda Bailey.
Even when Addison showed up Derek couldn't forget what it was like to be with Meredith. It made him feel guilty, after all, he had promised Addison he would try, but every time he slept with Addison, he felt as if he was being unfaithful to Meredith. He couldn't stop thinking about what it was like with her, to feel her all around him, to hear her as she screamed his name as they rushed headlong towards the glorious finish-line.
Then there was prom-night and it was as natural as breathing. Derek knew now that if he said that he hadn't followed her into that exam room deliberately he would be lying. He knew she would get angry and he knew he would argue back with her, even if everything inside him was screaming that he was an ass for treating her so badly, and a cheat for chasing after her when his wife was convinced they were getting somewhere again. When they both stopped yelling and Meredith turned to him, her eyes filled with defeat and pain, Derek couldn't help himself. Soon she was in his arms and in his hands, his lips covering hers like they belonged there. He was where he wanted to be. It was like they'd never spent any time at all apart.
After his divorce they tried to go slow, but it was like taking a dehydrated man out of the desert and telling him he could only have the tiniest sips of water. Going slow was just impossible. The hunger they felt for each other was just too strong.
Now they were beginning again, and Derek couldn't give Meredith what she wanted. As he finally got up off the bed and got ready to go to work, he knew it was only a matter of time before Meredith decided that she'd had enough. The thought of it terrified him.
Meredith had begun her working day by calling in to Urology and picking up a couple of leaflets from a pile in the waiting area and shoving them roughly into a pocket in her scrubs. She was glad there was hardly anyone around at the time, it saved her having to answer any awkward questions about what she was doing. Somehow, the stories she'd thought out in the car, that she was getting some information for a patient, or, depending on who discovered her, she was looking for advice because she thought she had a urinary tract infection, seemed stupid. Still, it hadn't come to that and she'd been in and out of the department before anyone really noticed her. The fact that she ran as if her underwear was on fire was nothing to do with it, she told herself as she headed towards the surgical floor for rounds, making a mental note to visit the library during her lunch break.
The early morning sun was just beginning to stream through the windows as Meredith walked onto the surgical floor, catching her breath at last. She went into the locker room and found Christina stuffing a jacket into her locker.
'Hey' Meredith said brightly, forcing a smile onto her face.
'You're early, McDreamy kick you out of bed or something?' Christina responded, her face absolutely straight. It was obvious she wasn't in the best mood.
Meredith sat down on the bench beside her friend and shook her head, struggling to hold back a sigh. Instead she made herself smile again. 'No I'm trying to get in on a good surgery just to piss you off, so I came in extra early'.
A low rumble of ironic laughter came out of Christina Yang's mouth, but as Meredith forced her mind away from Derek and onto her friend, she could see that the humour didn't quite reach her eyes. 'Christina?' she prompted softly.
Christina Yang glared, 'Oh it's nothing, well, nothing important except Burke finally had the guts to call last night'. She seemed slump on the bench as she spoke and some of her cold exterior seemed to seep away, leaving her looking lost for a moment. She quickly regained control.
Meredith hated herself. She'd all but forgotten Christina's problems over the last few days. All she could think about was Derek and how far away he was getting. Everything else had fallen away to the distance. It wasn't that she didn't care, but that she hadn't given anything else any real thought. For a second the irony struck her that Derek had complained to her before Christina's wedding that she was constantly leaving him, effectively choosing her friends over him, and now he was all she could think about and he had virtually cut her out. She forced the thought away and turned her attention to her friend. 'Burke actually called?' she asked, raising her eyebrows.
'Uh-huh,' Christina replied dryly. 'He said he was just calling to tell me that he wasn't coming back. He's moved in with Momma and Daddy for a while and he's recommended Hahn as his replacement on a permanent basis'.
Meredith struggled to take in what Christina was saying. Burke wasn't coming back? Not ever? The idea seemed incredible. Somewhere inside Meredith thought that eventually, when things settled, Burke would realise he wanted to be with Christina and he'd come back and they'd have the small wedding she'd originally wanted, the wedding Christina had planned with Burke until their mothers took over and everything went crazy.
'Are you just going to stare at me or are you going to offer me some words of comfort?' Christina demanded acerbically, 'only the whole gawping fish thing doesn't suit you, so….'
Meredith didn't hear Christina. Her mind had wandered again, back to Derek and the wall that seemed to be between them. She made up her mind. She was going to fix them. They weren't going to be Christina and Burke.
'Meredith?' Christina called, waving a hand in front of her friend's face. 'Are you still there? God, what's up with you? What's McDreamy done now?' she asked as he face twisted into a frown.
The mention of Derek's nickname jolted Meredith out of her thoughts. 'What?' she demanded urgently, as her mind slammed back into the present situation. 'I don't….What?'
Christina's frown deepened. 'Okay, spill, what has McAsshole done to you now?
Meredith sighed. Christina still didn't have a very high opinion of Derek, not after everything that happened when Addison turned up and he left her to pick up the pieces. But still, this time the situation wasn't his fault, deathly silence notwithstanding. 'He hasn't done anything Christina, he's fine, we're both fine, besides, we were talking about you…and Burke'. Meredith quickly turned the tables, telling herself that she couldn't talk about the problem, not even with Christina. She hoped Christina would take the hint.
Christina Yang studied her friend just for a second before she decided to give up. Meredith would talk when she was ready. She always did. Christina got up and moved towards the door as she spoke, her face straightening out into a grim line again. 'Oh that's nothing. Hahn's a better surgeon anyway.' She left the room, heading towards rounds, leaving a bewildered Meredith in her wake.
Later, Meredith sat mulling over all the information she had garnered from spending her lunch break in the library. She got up and headed for the surgical floor again, searching for one particular person she hadn't seen all day. She found him exactly where she thought she would, on the bridge that overlooked the surgical floor, staring out of the huge windows at the hospital grounds below. He was chewing absently on a sandwich. Meredith had already checked the board. He'd just come out of a surgery. It was now or never.
Meredith wandered over and took her place by Derek's side. Without any preamble she jumped right in. 'Derek we need to talk'.
A/N Well, a cliffhanger! So I'm a horrible person, but it was either that or make the chapter far too long. If you want to find out what Meredith thinks is wrong with Derek and what he's going to do about it please review. I'll update as soon as I can, hopefully before I go away.