Atton took the Ebon Hawk out of hyperspace as they neared Telos. He maneuvered the ship around to head towards the polar ice cap that housed Atris and her 'Jedi Academy.' He was a skilled enough pilot that he was able to fly the ship without even thinking about it. Piloting was second nature to him. Which was a definite good thing since his mind was in such a turmoil that he couldn't concentrate on anything even if he tried.
The past two and a half weeks had been the longest of Atton's life. Since his spat with Liara over her influencing his actions, they hadn't spoken to each other. He wouldn't have thought that total silence would have been possible between two people who were in such close confines for nearly three weeks, but they had somehow found a way.
When he had first left her in that room, he had felt like the biggest jerk in the galaxy. And while this wasn't the first time he had felt that way, it was the first time he felt bad about it.
Then the anger would return. He had never suffered remorse over acting like a prick before. He supposed this was more of Liara's influencing.
And after some time was spent fuming, he would remember the look on her face when he turned on her. Her crying, actually crying, because of him. The images would bring with it shame at his words and actions.
This cycle repeated itself countless times over the weeks. It was enough to drive a man insane.
Frankly, he was grateful they would be landing on Telos soon. Sure they were going to be going up against a number of people who wanted to kill them and possibly even a Sith Lord. But at the moment, it would be a welcome distraction.
Atton just wished he knew if what he felt for Liara was real. Did he really love her? Or did she just force those feelings upon him? He didn't think Liara was the type to 'enslave' people to suit her whims. But then again, he was a prime example of how you could know someone for a long time and still not know the real them.
He wished he had stayed in the cockpit that day. If he had, he never would have overheard her and Mical. He would still be blissfully ignorant of everything.
But no. He had gotten it in his fool head that he was going to tell her that he loved her. That he wanted to remain with her for the rest of their lives. At her side as they battled the galaxy. In front of her when she needed his protection. Or behind her when she needed his support. He wanted to just…be there…for her and know she was there for him.
So he had gone seeking her out and stumbled upon her confessing to Mical what the Jedi Masters had told her. He still wasn't sure if his timing in that instance was good or bad.
Since then, he had avoided her. And everyone else, really, until he could sort out the tangle of thoughts occupying his mind. It hadn't been too difficult to stay away from her as it seemed she was trying to stay away from him, as well.
Of course, total avoidance was impossible on their little ship. On the occasion they would run into each other, he would be nearly overwhelmed with the urge to say something, anything, to her.
But on her face…there was nothing. Not anger, not sadness nor longing. Just…nothing. And that hurt Atton worse than anything else.
Every time he saw that blankness on her face, it would make him even angrier with himself. Here he was, tormenting himself over her, losing sleep and appetite over her, drinking more over her, while she went about her day like it didn't bother her one bit that they weren't speaking, amongst other things.
Atton brought the Ebon Hawk down and was able to land it without being shot out of the sky like they were the last time they came to this part of Telos.
He decided to stay in the cockpit until Liara and the others were done with Atris. He knew she wouldn't ask him to accompany her, so he would just stay out of her way for now.
He sat back in his pilot's chair, propping his feet up on the ship's console and clasped his hands behind his head. He exhaled loudly as he waited.
x x x x x
After about an hour, Atton left for the main hold to get a drink. He had downed the last of the hard stuff last night, so he knew there wouldn't be anything stronger onboard than caffa.
He was surprised to see everyone in the hold except for Liara, Mandalore, and HK. He walked over to the caffa dispenser and got himself a cup.
"So Liara only took Mandalore and HK with her, huh?" he asked no one in particular. He thought it was a little foolhardy not to have taken someone with Jedi training. She was going to be going up against Atris and several handmaidens, and maybe even Kreia, but if she only wanted to take Mandalore and the assassin droid with her, well, he supposed she had her reasons.
"No, she did not take either of them," Mical answered him.
Atton frowned at Mical. "They're the only ones missing. Who else could she have taken?" He took a drink of the steaming caffa.
"She did not take anyone. Mandalore is in the dorm speaking to Kelborn and HK is modifying his rifle in the garage."
"What?!" Atton nearly choked on the hot liquid going down his throat and accidently dumped the remainder of the beverage down the front of him. He let loose a string of curses as the scalding drink came in contact with his skin. He began shedding his jacket and shirts as he glared at the group. "You let her go by herself?"
"She insisted," Mira explained as she stared, unable to help herself as she admired Atton's bare chest. Atton may be an idiot, but he was an idiot with a very nice upper body. "She said since she was forcing us to stay here with her, the least she could do was not put us into any more danger. Whatever that means."
Whatever that means? Atton thought. So Liara didn't tell anyone else about what the Jedi Masters had told her. But why would she? When I reacted the way I did to the news. Now she's gone off and done something rash because of her frackin' pride and my carelessness.
"Who cares if she insisted? She may be our 'fearless leader' but that doesn't mean you just bend over and take it when she decides to do something stupid!"
"If you're so concerned, why didn't you go with her?" Mira asked, crossing her arms and glowering at Atton.
Because I'm a selfish idiot.
"I would have if I knew she was planning on diving into this mess alone." Atton finished cleaning off his jacket and went back to the cockpit, tossing his wet shirts in the corner. He grabbed his blasters and lightsabers then proceeded to the dorm to get a fresh shirt. After pulling on the clean shirt and donning his jacket once more, he headed to the ship's exit ramp.
While he waited for the ramp to lower, Bao-Dur and Mical came up to him.
"We assume you're going after the General," Bao-Dur stated.
"Yeah, and? You going to stop me since she said she wanted to go alone?"
Mical shook his head. "No, actually. We are coming with you. Before you came in on us in the hold, Bao-Dur and I were already discussing going after her."
"Fine, but I'm leaving now. If you're not ready, you can stay behind."
Mical clipped his lightsaber to his belt and nodded, indicating he was indeed ready.
"All I need are my fists," Bao-Dur said. Bao-Dur had been trained as a Jedi Guardian by Liara, but he still preferred his hands as weapons over his blue lightsaber. However, he did carry it with him at all times as it was handy to deflect blaster fire. But it was primarily a defense tool in Bao-Dur's case.
"Let's go then," Atton said as he stepped onto the snow that blanketed Telos's surface.
The three of them trekked through the snow for awhile before Atton broke the silence.
"So…Bao-Dur. How is it you're here when Liara asked you to stay behind?"
Bao-Dur kept his eyes on the horizon as he answered. "I'm as worried about her as you are. I would have insisted on going with her, but if she really wanted to keep me from that, she could have. So I opted to wait and then go after her if she wasn't back in a reasonable amount of time."
"Yeah, yeah," Atton said, brushing Bao-Dur's explanation aside. "What I meant was, didn't you feel some…compulsion to stay? You know, since she wanted you to stay?"
Bao-Dur glanced sideways at Atton as he continued walking. "You ask me this because you actually believe she is controlling us."
"So you do know then."
"Of course I do. She came to me the day after we left Dantooine and told me she was relieving me of my duties. That once we landed on Telos I could go back to helping the planet with its restoration. Then she apologized for forcing me to leave Telos in the first place. It took some doing, but I managed to get her to tell me what she was going on about. What the Jedi Masters had told her. It's foolishness, of course, though she disagreed."
Atton turned around so he was walking backwards as he looked Bao-Dur in the eye. "And you aren't angry?"
Bao-Dur furrowed his brow at Atton. "So you were angry then."
"Are you going to keep responding to my questions with statements about my feelings, which I'm already perfectly aware of, by the way, or are you going to answer them?"
Bao-Dur sighed. "No. I wasn't angry. I know she isn't influencing our actions."
Atton stopped walking forcing Bao-Dur to stop as well. Mical came to a halt a little ahead of them. "How do you know?" Atton asked. "How can you be so sure?"
"Have you so little faith in your own willpower that you think someone can inadvertently control your actions without you even being aware?"
"Well, I am a weak, weak man."
"No, you are not," Bao-Dur told him firmly. "It may make it easier for you to deal with your past actions if you believe they were done because you are weak-willed, but that does not make it so."
Atton didn't argue with him. It had been a long time since he had known who he was, if he had ever known, but he had never been more unsure than he was now.
Atton shook it off. "But what about what the Jedi Masters said? Why would they say that if it wasn't true?"
"You of all people should know of the infallibility of the Jedi. I'm sure they believed they were right about the General, but that doesn't mean they were. She inspires others, but that's the extent of her hold on people."
"But it's not!" Atton replied, getting angry. Mical may trust that his mind was his own without question, but Atton couldn't believe Bao-Dur did. "There's more to her hold on me than 'inspiration!' I…I'm not me!"
Bao-Dur smiled, then chuckled. Atton narrowed his eyes at Bao-Dur. "Why are you laughing? I'm being serious!"
"He's laughing at you because you are even more of a fool than we believed," Mical told him, his tone frustrated.
"I don't believe I asked you anything, kid. The grownups are talking right now. Why don't you keep standing over there being useless and quiet."
The blonde Jedi ignored him. "You have this wonderful woman that adores you, though why still baffles even the most brilliant of minds, yet you cast her aside like she is…nothing. Like she is a…a…paid companion who is good for nothing but satisfying your needs," Mical forced the words out. He did not enjoy likening Liara to prostitutes, but that was exactly what he thought Atton was treating her like. "You use her physically then abandon her as soon as she needs something more from you besides…intercourse."
Atton had put his back to Mical, clenching his teeth as he listened to him. As soon as he heard Mical tell him he was using Liara like he would some common cantina rat, he turned and started toward him, his hands in fists. But Mical had already turned away, arms crossed. Bao-Dur grabbed Atton's arm, stopping him from launching himself at Mical.
Bao-Dur gave Atton a sympathetic look. "He's right, you know." Atton turned his anger to Bao-Dur, who quickly clarified what he meant. "About you behaving foolishly. You say you are changing. I would imagine that is so as I've seen you react differently to things than you would have when we first met. And the reason is due to Liara, though not in the way you think."
Atton only looked at him waiting for him to explain.
"The General is strong, yet with you, she shows her vulnerability. Showing her emotions, her weaknesses, as she sees it, is unlike her. But she does it whenever it comes to you."
Atton furrowed his brow as he thought about what Bao-Dur was saying. He wasn't sure he understood.
Bao-Dur continued. "She has 'changed' as well, and for the same reason you have."
"And? And? What reason is it?"
"The simplest way I can put it is that people change for the ones they love."
Atton blinked a few times as what Bao-Dur had said sunk in. Was he so obvious with his feelings that the others could tell what he was feeling? And Liara, she couldn't possibly love him. Could she?
Bao-Dur laughed quietly again at Atton's expression.
Mical turned his head slightly when he heard Bao-Dur say Atton loved Liara. Mical was feeling angry because, while he didn't know details, he knew something had happened between her and Atton. And though he had foreseen Atton hurting Liara, he somehow knew this wasn't the event that he had predicted. Which meant that they were going to reconcile, then Atton was going to break her heart again, worse than he had just done. Mical felt helpless to stop it. But he never imagined that Atton felt so strongly for Liara. Surely Bao-Dur was wrong…
"How do you know this?" Atton asked quietly.
"Know what? The reasons you are becoming a better man? Why she is letting her true self show with you? That you love her? That she loves you?"
"A-All of it."
Mical stiffened. He is not denying it. So does he love her? Truly? Every time I think I have him figured out, he goes and does something else to completely shatter my old image of him.
"I know enough about love to know that it can make any man strive to be worthy of it, whether consciously done or not. As for her, I've seen her show her softer side with you when she thinks no one but you can see. I know you love her, not because you show it, indeed, you do not show it at all. But…let's just say you and I are alike in many ways and I recognize it. And the General is too innocent in all things romantic to know how to hide her adoration of you."
For once, Atton was speechless. He didn't know what to think. Of all the ways he thought this conversation would go, finding out that Liara loved him was not one of them. There was always the possibility that Bao-Dur was wrong, of course, but he had known Liara for years. If he felt that she loved him, maybe there was something to it.
"But enough talk," Bao-Dur said quickly. "We came to help the General, not stand around and gossip. Let's go."
They made it to the compound that housed Atris and her handmaidens. Atton opened the door and started to walk inside. He bumped into Liara as she was walking out of the building, instinctively grabbing her shoulders to steady her when she stumbled back.
Liara shrugged him off her and glanced at the group. Atton opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He was unsure of what to say. He closed his mouth again before she could think of him as a slack-jawed idiot.
"What are you guys doing here? I asked to be allowed to do this alone," she asked Bao-Dur.
"You were gone a while. We wanted to make sure you were alright."
Her eyes flickered over to Atton for a second before returning to Bao-Dur. "Afraid I was enslaving others to do my bidding? Or forcing poor, unsuspecting men into my bed?"
Atton flinched. Ouch. I deserved that.
Mical blushed, horrified at what she was saying. He wondered what would make Liara say such a thing.
Bao-Dur frowned. He spared a glance at Atton, letting him know that he knew exactly where Liara would get such an idea. "I don't think you'd have to mind control someone to get them to accompany you to your quarters. Anyway, you're here now, relatively unharmed it seems. Are you all right?"
Liara sighed. "I'm sorry Bao-Dur. I shouldn't have said that. I apologize. And yes, I'm fine. Kreia has gone onto Malachor V." Bao-Dur closed his eyes and muttered something inaudible under his breath. "She expects us to meet her there or she will throw herself into one of Malachor's numerous pits, effectively killing herself and me. Atris had fallen to the dark side and attacked me, but I was able to defeat her. She still lives, though, and I have given her the chance to redeem herself. So she will remain here and help with the Telos restoration once she has recovered from our battle."
She walked past the men, heading for the Ebon Hawk. She continued speaking as they followed her. "Before we can go to Malachor, however, we need to take down Darth Nihilus. He is nearing the Citadel and will be attacking any moment. He must be stopped."
They made it to the ship in silence. Once aboard, Liara gave a quick retelling of what happened with her and Atris. She then told everyone of her plan to aid the Citadel in defending against the Sith. She made a pointed glance at Atton who took the hint and left for the cockpit to fly them over to the Telos station.
The ship was airborne when Atton heard someone enter the cockpit. He turned, hoping to see Liara but instead saw Mical.
Atton rolled his eyes and turned back to the front. "You're in the wrong room."
Atton heard Mical shut the door to the cockpit. He turned again, eyeing Mical suspiciously.
"I wanted to apologize to you about before," Mical said quietly.
Atton continued flying the ship. This ought to be good. "I'm listening."
Mical cleared his throat. "Yes, well. I apologize for trying to read your thoughts a few weeks ago. I have thought about it and I understand why you were so upset."
Atton scoffed. "Do you, now?"
"Yes. I know I would not want someone entering my head while I am…preoccupied…with Visas for instance. I should not have accused you of keeping things from Liara. Even if you are, it is not my place to force those things out of you."
Atton smirked at Mical's mention of Visas. He still found it amusing that Mical and Visas were together, but if it meant Mical would back off of Liara then he couldn't be happier about it. Not that it mattered, circumstances being what they were at the moment…
"Damn right it's not," Atton replied. "Now, if there's nothing else…"
"You really do love her?" Mical asked.
Atton froze. Then he went back to steering the Ebon Hawk. "I have many times, in fact."
It took Mical a moment to realize what Atton was saying. He blushed. "T-That's not what I…what I meant!" he stammered.
Atton shrugged. "If you're asking if I love her, love her, I don't see how that's any of your business."
Mical exhaled loudly in frustration. Was there ever a more infuriating man than the one before him? "Oh, I see. That is not any of my business, but the fact that you and Liara are intimate is? So much so that you feel the need to tell me about it every chance you get?"
Atton gave a sarcastic laugh. "First of all, it's sex. Okay? Not 'intercourse.' Not 'being intimate.' Sex. And secondly, no, that's not your business, either. But the expression on your face every time I mention it makes it well worth it."
Mical closed his eyes and chanted the Jedi Mantra to himself twice. "I only wanted to tell you that what Bao-Dur told you was true. People do change for the ones they love." Mical thought of Visas. "If you really do love her like Bao-Dur seems to think you do, and are becoming better because of her, what is wrong with that? Why do you fight it so?"
Before Atton could say anything smart, Mical continued. "I know you are not going to answer that. I just want you to think about it. And if you do not feel for her in that way, then you need to leave her be. Bao-Dur was right about her feelings for you. Even one as inexperienced in this area as I am can see it. If you do not love her, do something selfless for once, and let her go."
Atton pretended to ignore Mical and Mical eventually left. But Atton had heard everything Mical had said.
He did love Liara. He didn't doubt that. But he still wasn't convinced that she wasn't controlling him in some way. And even if she wasn't, there was no way she loved him back. It may be cliché, but she deserved better than him, surely she knew that. She knew about his past. That alone meant she could never feel anything for him beyond 'like'. To think otherwise was, well, foolish.
But, as he was told so often, he was a fool. And he couldn't help but imagine how it would be if Liara did feel the same way about him. He thought about it the rest of the way to the Citadel station.
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A/N: I apologize for how long this chapter took. I did warn ya'll that I was obsessed with Dragon Age. I have even already written a oneshot to go with it, if anyone's interested. Just check out my profile for it. I was also in Vegas for a week so no writing of any kind got done.
Now for my thanks:
Sithmouse, thanks, once again for taking the time to read and review. I always enjoy reading your comments. Yes, Atton is a bastard. I wish he would just tell her how he feels, too ;P And yes, Dragon Age does indeed = awesomeness!
Thanks to Talravin for your comment. I'm glad you like the bits I do for Sion, I enjoy writing them. I hope to do a few more before we encounter him, we'll see. And I prefer the Jedi Mantra that way as well, I'm glad we are on the same page!
Resident RC Metallica, you made me smile with your comment! I am so excited that you think my whole story is well written! It means a lot!
To Vayluh Arwen, no screwing Dragon Age, lol! It is a great game! But no, I don't want your death on my conscience. So I hope I posted this in enough time to save your life. If not, then I dedicate this chapter to your memory :D
Ujemaima, don't worry about McDonald's suing you. I managed to convince them not to! As always, I love hearing from you on my chapters! Ch. 13 was your favorite, huh? I'm glad! Thanks for the wonderful review!
And lastly but surely not leastly, Akimi Butterfly. Yes, the last chapter was sad, and yes, I am to blame for that one. I am such a bitch. ;P And I like that I made you laugh so hard in the last chapter that you almost fell out of your chair. I meant to do that. Unless you broke a bone or something. Then I claim no responsibility. You're on your own there. And you are perfectly welcome about including you in my thanks! I should be thanking you for taking the time to read my story and then taking even more time to leave a review! I will keep the chapters coming if you keep the comments coming! Deal?