{CHAPTER XIV}

I know I don't tell you nearly enough,

but I couldn't live one day

without your love.

-Kenny Chesney

Then came the longest, most dragging moments in the history of the longest, most dragging moments, topped with a wave of quickening heartbeat, and a cold shiver making its way up her spine. Castle briefly looked at her, confusion drawing in his features. Because they both knew what it was all about. She certainly wouldn't be calling for anything else other than the very obvious subject. It was a bit of a spur-of-the-moment decision when she turned her back on him, dragging herself to safety of cop land, where she was known to be the stable and straightforward Detective Beckett, then immediately regretting it.

You certainly didn't need to run, Kate—the little voice inside her told her.

Then the scaredy conscience advised: No, how were you supposed to tell him, anyway? I love you and please break up with your girlfriend?

Kate shrugged, and drew a big ass breath in an attempt to calm her insides. "OK, what do we know about a Stefanie Patrick?" she said, giving the scrawny FBI dude a sideways glance. He obediently tapped on the keyboard—fast as lightning—and information piled up, record by record. The others, including Castle, swarmed around the wide screen, eyes hungry for some kind of clue.

To their frustration, there was none.

Then scrawny guy began narrating the information out of habit. It went on from Bio-Data, then to Education, which was beyond impressive, having graduated from Harvard Law, ranked no. 5 at the licensure examinations. No criminal record but a record of reckless driving when she was sixteen. Clean, and ordinary, and shouldn't be involved in something like this.

Another dead end.

Kate shook her head. "Ok." She huffed out, "Let's try our luck on those security cameras from the gas station. Maybe we can pull some plates."

Esposito delegated himself for the task.

"Ryan, can we pull family records? See if she contacted anyone in the past few days." She added, frustrated at being cuffed to desk work. She knew very well she was more useful in the field. And besides, paper work, and long hours of sitting on her bum in front of the computer wasn't her thing. But then she sees him. His pain; and the fact that he didn't pay much attention to her message—okay—she knew she had to stay. Kate had to do this. She couldn't afford letting Stefanie Patrick be one of the people on Lanie's cold autopsy table. This was too close to home, even for her.

Too cherished by the only man she was certain she truly loved. It was true what they said: If you love someone, you should set them free.

It was a heck of a painful truth, to be honest.

Kate squared her shoulders, and tried focusing on the work at hand. She could always box her feelings for later. Castle stood still by her side, his eyes glued to the photograph flashed on the screen: a company photo of Stefanie. Brown hair fixed in a neat, corporate bun, mouth perched into a wide smile, eyes depicting intelligence, fun, and simplicity. Kate took a moment to realize that Stefanie was really good for Castle. She knew that already, but learning her history made her see that Stefanie was Kate, minus the complexity and baggage, and the danger that can never leave him when she's around.

"Kate?" Castle tore through her thoughts. She turned; frozen at the roughness of his voice, and at the depths of his blue eyes. "I just…" he lifted his phone to the air. And there she thought he didn't care about it. "…the call."

Kate knew there was no use in lying. He'd find out, anyway. So she took a deep breath, and gave him a small nod, her eyes fixed to his and only his, hoping it'd speak the words she couldn't say at the moment.

Silence took over. They both didn't know what to do or say. They didn't know what it all meant for them. But they didn't leave either; comforted by each other's mere presence.

Then, Kate cleared her throat, and took the lead to the break room, which was fortunately empty. She couldn't have that conversation with scrawny guy eavesdropping on them. Castle closed the door behind her, his arm still yet to be stitched. If the doctor didn't come in ten minutes, she'd personally take him to the hospital. She couldn't take any chances on that nasty cut. Her eyes shifted to Castle, now uncomfortable standing by the coffee machine.

"Castle, I meant it when I said I mean it. And this is a terrible timing, but I'm not going to lie to you. Not again." Because the last time she did, it marked the doom of their relationship. Her hand rested on her hip as she waited for him to say something.

"Kate…" he began, in a tone she knew all too well—not good.

So she went on, "I know," a forced smile spread across her face. "I know she's great. She's good for you. And we shouldn't be wasting our time talking about this."

"All this time…" he trailed off, his voice cracking from the past few minutes' wave of stress. "You…"

All Kate had to do was nod, depriving her emotions some kind of escape. But she had to say it anyway. No matter how untimely, no matter how hard it could be. "I never stopped, Castle. And yes, I regret every single thing I did on the swings. I was scared." She chuckled, "And maybe I got used to you pulling my pigtails that I thought…" Kate paused, her gaze shifting to the white wall behind him, "…I thought you'd be there when I'm not so scared anymore."

He stiffened at her revelation. Sure, she said it already. But he thought she was on heavy medications, and then she turned out to be sober enough to know what she said to him, and now this. No medications, no alcohol. Just plain and honest Kate Beckett.

When she didn't reply, Kate went pensive. "But it doesn't matter. And I've got a case to solve."

"No, just…" he grabbed her by the arm when she tried to leave, and gently slid it on the length of her shoulder. The feel of her skin against his palm was almost intoxicating. It must have been what alcoholics feel when they take one, harmless shot of wine after a year without it. He felt her relax on his touch; little did he know, she'd pay the world for that. Castle released his grip, and let his gaze fall to the floor. "Kate..."

She caught his hand before it hit his leg, squeezed it gently, before making her way to the ladies' room.

Kate couldn't wait until later to box her feelings and reel them in.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Ryan drove him to the nearest hospital when the team he called didn't make it. Kate came out of the ladies' room a little five minutes later, an extra layer of concealer patched on the red circles around her eyes. She could try and hide it to everyone, but certainly not him. Normally, she'd have gone with him to hospital trips like these.

But then, what was normal? Nothing was ever normal anymore. It proves that so much could change in a year.

He couldn't help but wonder if she had taken another trip to the ladies room. Castle never wanted to see her like this, and somehow, he felt like he was partially at fault in her misery. No, no. She turned you down. That's what people do. You move on, you get on with your life—he told himself.

Castle clenched his jaw at the pinch of the anaesthesia, while Ryan sat close behind, making calls and checking his phone for new e-mails about the case. "Hey, you can go now. I can handle this."

Ryan snapped to his direction, "Not a chance, bro."

"I'm just slowing you down, Ryan." Castle insisted. "And the precinct's a good ten minute cab trip away."

"No, really. You're not slowing me down." Ryan shot back, his eyes telling him he knew something, but chose to be discreet enough not to talk about it. Castle missed working with him and Esposito. Well, mostly their meaningless bickers, but the point was, he missed all of them. And he missed Kate. After all that she said, he realized how much had changed in a span of a year, and he was still working on trying to come to terms with it.

The thread started to make its way in and out of his torn flesh, the grimacing sight enough to make someone queasy. Thanks to the anaesthesia, he could feel a thing.

In an attempt for a distraction, Castle turned to face Ryan, "How's it been in the precinct?"

"You mean, how's Kate been, right?" Ryan cut straight to the chase.

Castle sighed. "You're still my friend right?" he said, his voice barely above whisper. "Kate told me that she…"

"Oh. Okay." He interrupted, his mouth curved into a knowing smirk. "You want to know what I think?" Castle nodded, and intently waited for more, "I think she's trying. She's trying to move on, Castle. We've seen her, you know? But at the same time, she's torn because there's a sliver of hope left inside her that wants to fix things. But she's Kate. We all know what she's capable of when it comes to the people she cares about."

Castle's gaze dropped to the floor. Yes, he knew exactly what Kate was capable of when it comes to the people she loved.

"Kate knows you're happy. She's okay with that. But she didn't need to say the words to let me know she wants to be the one that makes you happy." Ryan said, then went back to his phone business, as if being Dr. Love was no big deal. Then he peeked out of the device, "…and she's doing all she can to find your girl. If that's not dedication and love, I don't know what that is."

No.

He was supposed to be over this.

He was supposed to be over her.

He was supposed to be focused on getting Stefanie back, not trying to reconcile with his roller coaster of emotions.

Hey there. I hoped you liked this chapter! I thought we could use some break from all that crime part. Let's get on with the Caskett part of this story. Thank you for flooding the reviews section with suggestion and lovely insights. I really appreciate it!

I left my laptop in the dorm and it's not the same thing working on my mom's laptop, that's why the updates have been damn slow lately.

Anyways, please please let me know what you think!