Hey, y'all. Nichobit here, but I won't be here for very long, I promise…

I'm glad that you all liked chapter thirteen and I'm glad that I was finally able to move on. And what's wrong with Hiro? Sorry, but it's not in this chapter. I didn't even realize that I was writing him like I was until you all posted questions so look for the next chapter…smiles but gets whapped by Mary-chan "Ow, bitch, what was that for?" smacks Mary-chan across the face…Mary-chan: "Tell everyone you're sorry, you whore!"…slaps Mary again She who calls her best friend a whore is a whore herself! Sorry, guys, I couldn't help it!"…

Okay, sorry that you all had to witness that…me and Mary have a somewhat dysfunctional friendship…smiles… Anyway, sorry that this took so long for me to write…goddamn writer's block. I hate it! Also, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm hoping to wrap this baby up without having to go over twenty chapters…hoping being the key word. I dunno…I'll just have to take everything as it comes…

Alright…now on with the chapter!…

Disclaimer: I've already told you this thirteen times, do I really have to tell it to you again?…

Scars Fade, But the Memory Remains…

A seemingly lifeless form sat cross-legged in the corner of the darkened room he shared with his lover, his dark hair hanging limply in his face as he sobbed over the picture he was holding. Tear drops fell onto the acrylic surface of the painting, but he didn't care. Nothing mattered, not anymore. A pale finger traced the form of one of the smiling men in the picture, the sobs wracking his body becoming more and more painful.

The therapist was right, of course he was, but how could he be so damn coldhearted? Had he ever had to lose someone like he had? No, he didn't think so. And he had acted like everything should just be as easy as letting go of a rope, the lifeline of a person that's hanging on for his life over the edge of a cliff. But it wasn't. He may be able to let the brunette go physically and emotionally, but he would always haunt him mentally. In his dreams, in his thoughts, whenever he closed his goddamn eyes; it was all just too much.

From outside the room, Tatsuha heard the front door open and Shuichi called out his name.

"Just a minute," he called and wiped away the tears, shoving the painting back into his closet under clothes.

He went out into the living room and greeted Shuichi with a hug and small kiss on the cheek because, for some reason, Shuichi hadn't let him kiss him on the lips since he returned from Kyoto.

"What's up?" Shuichi asked when he noticed how bloodshot and puffy the younger man's eyes were. "Have you been crying?"

Tatsuha turned away from Shuichi and went into the kitchen. "Nope, weed," he said as a joke, but knew that Shuichi wasn't happy with it when he wrapped an arm around his waist.

Tatsuha leaned his head back and let it rest on Shuichi's shoulder, sighing when he felt Shuichi lay his head against his. He wanted to tell Shuichi about Rori, needed to tell Shuichi about Rori, but he hadn't been able to. It had been hard enough for him to retell his story once, and he really didn't want to do it again. But maybe he wouldn't need to retell his story. Shuichi was empathetic enough to understand someone else no matter what, even if they just muttered one word. All he would have to say was Rori and Shuichi would automatically understand, but would he really? There was one important piece of the puzzle that Tatsuha still hadn't shared with anyone but Mika, and he was afraid of what Shuichi would think if he found out about it.

"Are you okay?" Shuichi asked seriously.

"No," Tatsuha whispered, new tears joining the quickly drying ones on his face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" That was the "new" Shuichi. Never pry, let them come to you when they're ready.

Tatsuha shook his head. "Soon, but not yet."

"I'll be here," Shuichi whispered and kissed the top of Tatsuha's head. Or what would have been the top of his head if Tatsuha hadn't of moved his head so their lips made contact instead.

Shuichi jumped and tried to pull away, but Tatsuha turned around and wrapped an arm around Shuichi's waist, pinning the man in place. Shuichi sighed, finally succumbing to what he had wanted all week, but was too afraid to give. Tatsuha ran his tongue along Shuichi's top lip and Shuichi open reluctantly, trying not to laugh when he felt the younger man's tongue investigating his newest piercing.

Tatsuha pulled away quickly, looking at Shuichi in question when the man clamped his jaw shut.

"Open your mouth," Tatsuha said, smiling when Shuichi shook his head and clamped his jaw tighter. "Please?" He gave his best puppy eyes with this, but Shuichi still didn't give in. "Fine, I guess we'll have to do it the hard way then."

Tatsuha put one hand under Shuichi's chin and placed the other just below the older man's nose and pulled as hard as he could, but Shuichi wasn't going to let his jaw budge. Tatsuha smiled and applied more pressure, tugging at Shuichi's jaw as if his life depended on it. The younger man grimaced as he pulled and Shuichi snorted, releasing his jaw and let Tatsuha pry his mouth open.

When Tatsuha first saw his boyfriend's new piercing he just smiled and looked at Shuichi as if it were a joke.

"It's not real…is it?" he asked, his eyes daring the other man to tell him that it was.

Slowly, well aware that the answer would piss Tatsuha off, Shuichi nodded his eye, wincing as a hand connected with the side of his head.

"Shuichi, you idiot! What in the hell were you thinking?" Tatsuha yelled, lunging on top of Shuichi and pinning him to the ground.

"I wasn't?" Shuichi asked with an innocent smile, knowing that no answer would be able to please the man currently seated on his chest.
Tatsuha whapped Shuichi across the head again and Shuichi put on his best pout. "Ow, Tat-kun! That hurts!"

Tatsuha stopped with his hand in mid-air, surprised at the hints of the old Shuichi in those words. Shuichi took the opportunity to swing the man around while he was distracted and took his place on top, with Tatsuha pinned below him on the floor.

"I win!" Shuichi cheered with a triumphant smile that seemed to light up his usually sorrowful features.

Tatsuha turned his head away from the painful reminder from the past, praying to God that this wasn't the beginning of something new. If Shuichi had somehow come down with multiple personality disorder, he didn't know what he would do.

Shuichi, sensing the obvious distress within his lover, turned off the cutesy act at once and put a hand under Tatsuha's chin, using it to make the man look at him.

"Sorry, Tatsuha. I just thought that me acting happy would make you happy for once…and maybe I thought it would make you forget that I got my tongue pierced." Shuichi smiled halfheartedly at the man underneath him and bent down, kissing him lightly on the lips.

Tatsuha smiled and held onto Shuichi's chin lightly. "Stick out your tongue," he demanded softly, chuckling when Shuichi quickly complied.

Am I really that scary when I get pissed or upset?

He reached out and toyed with the barbell, twisting it around and toying with it. "I dunno…," he started. "I think I like it."

Shuichi's face lit up at the comment and a grin spread across his features. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Tatsuha stated and kissed Shuichi lightly on the lips before smiling maliciously. "You are planning on putting that to good use, aren't you?"

A pretty blush crept up Shuichi's face and Tatsuha grinned wickedly. "What do you mean, by that?" Shuichi asked, innocence radiating from him in waves.

Tatsuha bent down and whispered a few…um…censored words into Shuichi's ear, and the man's blush deepened, even though a wicked smile of his own was on his face.

"Well, I wasn't planning on creeping Ben out for nothing," he laughed and stooped down, nipping and sucking at Tatsuha's neck gently.

Tatsuha moaned and buried his hands in Shuichi's black and crimson locks. He closed his eyes and memories he would have rather kept under raps came flooding back. Memories of creamy pales skin, sparkling blue eyes, and curly brown hair.

"NO!" he yelled and pushed Shuichi away.

Shuichi fell off the couch and watched, stunned, as Tatsuha pulled his knees up to his chest and began to rock back and forth. Not knowing what to do, Shuichi stood up and cautiously moved to his koibito's side.

"Leave me alone. Please!" Tatsuha moaned, his face buried in his hands. "Why can't I just forget?"

Blotches of water spotted the dark material of Tatsuha's jeans and Shuichi jumped, pulling the crying man into his arms. The younger man struggled to get out of his grasp, but Shuichi wouldn't let him go. Something definitely was wrong with Tatsuha and he would sit there and hold him until he told him what it was.

"I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget…," Tatsuha chanted into Shuichi's shoulder, sobs wracking his body, leaving him shaking and barely able to control himself.

"Shh," Shuichi cooed. "It's okay, Tatsuha. Don't worry."

"No, no, it's not okay. It'll never be okay. Not until he leaves, not until you leave. It'll never be okay."

Tatsuha immediately began to mentally condemn himself at his words, but he knew that they were true. Shuichi's current behavior was too reminiscent of Rori's for him to ever be okay and secure in their relationship. It may have worked out in the beginning, but now it was too late. Scars fade, but the memories remain.

Using as much of his strength as he could muster, Tatsuha shoved Shuichi away and stood up from the couch. His heart went out to the now very confused man but he quickly covered it up and ran back to his room. If he showed any emotion now that would mean that he was weak, and he didn't want to be weak. He wanted to be strong, just like everyone thought he would be.

Damn, I'm starting to sound like Eiri, he thought to himself but shoved it away quickly. Thinking about his brother would just make him feel weaker.

Tatsuha ran into he and Shuichi's room and grabbed a duffle bag, throwing as many items as he could find into the red bag. Somewhere during his escapade, Shuichi slowly made his way back to the room and stood, hurt showing plainly on his face, as he watched Tatsuha pack his bags.

"T-Tat-kun?" Shuichi started, wincing when Tatsuha threw him a disgruntled glare.

"What?" Tatsuha snapped, harsher than he intended, but he didn't regret it. It would push Shuichi away even more if he was cold to him, just like Eiri.

"Where are you going? What's wrong?" Shuichi asked, stepping aside when Tatsuha headed for the door with a bag in each of his hands.

"I'm leaving." Nice, simple, and to the point.

"Wh-why? What did I do to upset you?"

"What did you do? What didn't you do? You sit there in your black clothes, with your pierced eyebrow and tongue, acting like nothing makes you happy, constantly having to drag a blade across your arm because you're weak and can't take anything that anyone throws at you. It's sickening, Shuichi. You're just like him and I can't take it anymore. I just can't!" he yelled as he threw his key on the kitchen counter. "I can't do it!"

Shuichi stood in the middle of the living room, silent tears trailing down his face as Tatsuha looked angrily at him over his shoulder. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing that came to his mind was good enough to retaliate. Tatsuha was right. He was weak. Why couldn't Yuki have just let him die?

Tatsuha shoved his shoes onto his feet and threw the door open, giving Shuichi one last demeaning glare. "Good-bye, Shuichi," he said and stepped outside, throwing the door closed behind him.

The raven-haired man stood there for a minute, questioning his thoughts and wondering if he was doing the right thing. Of course he wasn't, but he couldn't go back in there. He couldn't go back to constantly living in fear again. Tatsuha's heart wrenched when he heard the sobs begin to emit from the other side of the door and he wanted more than anything to go in and comfort the broken man, but he didn't. Because, if he did, he knew that he would never be able to leave again and would give into his own downfall.

Slowly, with his head held as high as his mind would let him, Tatsuha walked toward the elevator and away from the arms of the person he had begun to cherish more than Rori.

A solitary tear ran down Tatsuha's face as he stepped into the elevator and turned to hit the button for the first floor. He gazed longingly out of the slowly closing doors, tears streaking freely down his face. "Good-bye, Shu-kun."

-------------

Tears. He would have thought that he would be out of them by now. If he would have known that he was going to be spending countless hours of his once happy life in tears, he would have prepared himself and saved up the tears that need not have been shed. But, he was selfish like that and had used every last tear, no matter how trivial whatever he had been crying over was. He was also surprised that he had yet to run out of blood. Those paper-thin cuts that he knew everyone would kill him for making had appeared more and more frequently over the past couple of days. He didn't want to make them, but he had no other choice. It's just how he was.

He was also surprised that he hadn't died from alcohol poisoning yet. He had spent almost every free second of the past week in the bar just down the street from his house, drinking himself senseless until the bar closed. Then, drunk out of his mind, would stumble home through the crowded late night streets and would collapse in bed, only to repeat the same fiasco when he woke up the next morning.

That's where he was now, in the small bar hidden perfectly in an alleyway, drinking his pain away with shots of vodka. Mm, vodka…now that was some good shit. He lifted the small, pale blue shot glass to his lips and sighed, trying to think through the buzz that was starting to overcome his senses.

Why in the hell am I doing this? It can't be any healthier than slashing up my arm or my leg or my chest, so why am I doing it?

He shook his head, his raven locks still damp from the rain pouring outside the bar, and downed the alcohol, relishing in the burning sensation that filled his mouth. It didn't burn on the way down like whiskey, but it left that horrible aftertaste in your mouth that made you cringe. He guessed that that was why the shit was so addicting. You kept going back for more to get rid of that taste in the back of your throat, knowing all too well that it wouldn't go away.

He slammed the glass onto the counter and motioned for the bartender to pour him one more, watching as the old man poured the clear liquid into the empty glass. He was on his fourth shot and was just barely starting to feel the trickles of that buzz that came before drunkenness come into his head. Just enough so he couldn't think straight, even if he wanted to. He downed that shot quickly as well and repeated the same steps as before, not caring about the pitiful glances the bartender kept giving him or the tears that fell down his face. He'd tried to make them stop, but they wouldn't so he gave into the alcohol, only succeeding in heightening his depressive mood. Great, just great.

The bells that hung loosely from the door jangled as someone new entered the bar, and Shuichi watched as the bartender nodded in greeting but didn't turn around himself. He didn't care who entered this hole in the wall, didn't care who saw him wasted out of his mind. All he cared about was forgetting that Tatsuha had left him and that nothing was left for him to live for.

A small giggle snuck past Shuichi's lips as he thought about what he had turned down so he could make it to his newfound hangout. He had told Yuki that he couldn't make it to their meeting because he had work to do. Ha, work! If only vodka downing was job, then he bet that he would be the best.

He wrapped his hand around the lonely looking shot glass and took his sixth shot, throwing his head back and sighing in relief. What would Tatsuha think if he saw him now? He'd probably condemn him even more for turning into a dirty rotten drunk. Or he would ask him why he couldn't do it at home. And why couldn't he? Liquor stores sold vodka and he could buy an entire bottle for a hell of a lot cheaper than he could ten shots at this goddamn bar. Was it because he wanted to show people his pain? Or did he just want to leave the constant reminder of the home he once shared with his younger lover?

He bet that it was the latter. If he stayed cooped up in that apartment he would most definitely end up killing himself, whether accidentally or purposefully. After a few days of wondering and trying to think of who that him that Tatsuha had mentioned was, Shuichi had found a painting buried under the clothes that Tatsuha had left on the floor of the closet. It was painting of the raven-haired man as a teenager and Rori, the two of them standing in joyful ignorance of the snow that fell around them. It was heart-wrenching and made Shuichi want to scream every time he thought about it. Why hadn't Tatsuha ever told him that he and Rori had been lovers? How hard could it possibly have been? He knew that the teen's death had tragically hurt Tatsuha, but he could have at least said something about him. Not that he cared…hell; he used to date Tatsuha's older brother so why would he be hurt by Rori? It was definitely not something for him to ponder in his drunken state of mind.

Two shots and an hour of tears later, Shuichi stumbled out of the bar. It's amazing what eight shots of vodka can do to someone with the alcohol tolerance of a rat. He staggered down the street, weaving his way as best as possible through the late night crowd and throwing barely coherent apologies over his shoulder at people he ran into.

Rain was still falling down around him in sheets and his hair was drenched in seconds, but he didn't care. His vision was starting to go grey around the edges and he was sure that he wouldn't make it home before he collapsed onto the street. And he was right. His apartment had just come into his vision when Shuichi collapsed heavily into a puddle, his knees cracking on the hard cement sidewalk.

A snort snuck its way past his drunken lips and he tried to lift himself out of the puddle, but he was too weak. Eight days of nothing but late night drinking and working his ass off were finally starting to catch up with him and he had to struggle to keep from passing out right there on the street.

Shuichi reached out and grabbed hold of the nearest wall, burying his fingertips in the grooves of mortar between each brick, and used it to help him stand. Once to his feet, he slowly let go of the wall, quickly grabbing onto it again when he felt his knees shaking.

God, why do I keep doing this to myself?

Shuichi used the wall to keep him standing and help him move along, walking hand over hand. He got even more drenched from the runoff that poured from the building's roof, but he didn't mind it. The cold water seemed to pull him out of his drunken stupor, if only a little, and he was able to let go of the wall to walk. He stumbled along, running into the wall a couple of times before collapsing again, this time only fifty yards from the arch that lead to the front door of his building.

He tried to stand again, but the vodka now had too much of a hold on his mind. It was impossible for him to think or speak coherently and all that snuck past his lips were snorts or sobs, nothing more and nothing less. People walking past him on the street just looked at him in disgust, never offering him a helping hand or asking if he was okay and if they would help him to his house. The heartless bastards! Shuichi managed to get onto his hands and knees and moved into the closest alleyway in a drunken crawl, tucking himself safely away from prying eyes behind a trashcan. It was more disgusting than sitting on the sidewalk, but at least now he was out from underneath the disgusted glares of the pedestrians.

Sobs began to wrack through Shuichi's now icy cold body and he closed his eyes, letting sleep take him while it called. But the damn heartless bastards outside the alleyway were too inconsiderate to keep quiet so he could sleep in peace so he just sat there, just staring mindlessly at the wall across the way from him.

He heard a voice that he knew he should know but didn't outside the alleyway, and held his breath. He didn't want anyone he knew to find him out here, not when he was like this. What felt like a bucketful of water fell into Shuichi's head and he let out a surprised gasp at the fridged water. The person outside stopped talking to whomever he had been conversing with and Shuichi held his breath again, praying that he wouldn't be found. Unfortunately, this time the man up in the sky didn't answer and Shuichi heard the telltale footsteps of a nosy stranger enter the alleyway and sighed, pulling his knees closer to his chest in an attempt to better hide himself. He laid his head on his knees, hiding his pale arms underneath his bent knees. For some reason, the moon seemed to reflect his pale skin even more on this night and he swore that he could hear it mocking him.

The footsteps grew closer and closer and Shuichi wanted to look up so bad, but knew that he shouldn't. Any kind of movement would alert his presence to the intruder and he would be found. He even held his breath and sucked in his stomach.

Finally, the footsteps died and Shuichi heard the voice begin talking again. He picked his head up again, taking a great gasping breath, and looked around the alley and at himself. Thank God for telling him to wear all black tonight because it worked as great camouflage. Sobs once again hitched in Shuichi's throat and he cursed at the voice that seemed to get louder and louder. And the footsteps were starting to come back again as well.

"God dammit all!" he whispered when he finally realized that the stranger had never really left the alleyway. He had just wandered to the back of it and turned around when he came to the dead-end.

He hugged his knees closely again and tried not to breathe, but the sobs wouldn't stop and trying not to breathe just made them even worse. He heard the voice stop again and say something about calling the person they were talking to back, and then there was nothing but silence until:

"Hello?" the voice called out. It was cold but heartwarming, a voice that he knew but couldn't put a face to in his drunken state of mind. "Is anyone in here?"

Shuichi tried to stay silent but a hitched sob snuck past his lips, alerting the man of his presence. That's right; he at least knew that it was a man.

"If anyone's in here will you say something? I want to help you."

"Go…away," Shuichi muttered between sobs, clenching his eyes as the new footsteps seemed to pierce through his skull.

The footsteps were nearly on top of him again when they stopped, and Shuichi heard a strangled gasp before he was lifted up from the ground and into someone's arms.

"Shu-Shuichi? Is it you?" the voice asked.

"In the flesh. What do you want? An autograph or something?" The words came out in a barely comprehensible jumble but the man understood what he said.

"Are you drunk?" the man asked, pulling Shuichi to his feet but falling back down when Shuichi collapsed.

"No, I'm not drunk, but I do love vodka," Shuichi giggled. "Who are you anyway?" All he could make out in the moon light was the soft glow of blonde hair. "Are you an angel?"

He heard the man stifle a laugh at that and frowned. "No, Shuichi, I'm not an angel."

"Then let me go. I don't want to leave until an angel comes and takes me away." When he said this, Shuichi spread his arms out above his head, as if he were beckoning to heaven for God to take him away.

"An angel's not gonna take you away, Shuichi," the man said, sighing when the drunk man ran gentle fingers through his hair.

"Are you sure you're not an angel? Your hair's so soft," he muttered, barely recognizing how the man seemed to lean into his touch.

"I'm sure," the man whispered and stood up.

Shuichi's gaze followed the barely visible form of the man as he stood, his eyes still lingering on the golden hair. Who had he known that had blonde hair? He ransacked his mind to think of a name, but got none. He sighed; maybe it would come to him once his hangover subsided in the morning.

A squeal slipped past his lips as he felt his feet lifted from the ground and he wrapped his arms around the nearest thing to him, which turned out to be the man's neck.

"Are you going to take me home?" he muttered, laying his head gently on the man's shoulder.

"Something like that," the cold voice said and Shuichi sighed.

"Thank you," he whispered and closed his eyes, finally succumbing to the sleep calling out to him.

Darkness overcame his senses and, just before he lost consciousness, he heard the man carrying him mutter something he really didn't understand.

"I can't believe you turned me down to get drunk."

-------------

A warmth beyond any warmth he had ever felt permeated his senses, and Shuichi rolled over in his bed and pulled his blankets tighter around his body. He was so comfortable and he didn't want to get up, but he knew that he was going to have to sooner or later to get some ibuprofen. His head was pounding and every bone in his body hurt, but the comfort of the warm bed was enough to make him forget about all that. All he knew was that he felt like he could sleep forever.

Shuichi's mouth started watering and a nasty taste flooded into his mouth just before his stomach clenched. "Oh, God!" he muttered and jumped out of the bed, running to the bathroom.

He fell down in front of the toilet and retched uncontrollably, his hands balancing him on each side of the toilet. The first bout went away soon enough and Shuichi relaxed against the wall behind him after flushing away his breakfast, lunch, or dinner. He sighed and ran a shaky hand over his face and through his hair, dislodging the sweat drops. He felt his stomach clench again and he fell forward, grabbing on to each side of the basin again.

Twenty minutes of heave, rest, and repeat later, Shuichi splashed water on his face and left the bathroom. Almost immediately, he realized that he wasn't in his own house, but he wasn't too worried about it. He felt fine now that most of the alcohol was out of his system and the person obviously hadn't taken advantage of him in his drunken state, so he was okay.

As he walked through the large home, memories of sometime before came back to him. Memories of Tatsuha packing, Tatsuha condemning, Tatsuha leaving…himself crying, himself cutting, himself drinking. Tears began to well up in the corners of his eyes and they fell slowly, leaving burning trails of salt behind. He found the door to a balcony/overlook and he went outside, closing his eyes against the cool, spring morning breeze.

A few minutes later he opened his eyes and gazed around at his new environment. Wherever he was, it was way on the city's outskirts. He could just see some of the tallest buildings and the space around him was beautiful. Trees, flowers, blue skies, silence. But the home was still two stories tall and still high enough to do some damage if he jumped.

Shuichi laid his palms flat on wooden banister and pushed himself up, swinging his legs gracefully over the edge. He sat down and sighed quietly to himself. What a great way to say thank you to someone who helped you out. Commit suicide and let them find you, mangled and bloody, when they decided to leave for work or whatever.

He shook his head to dishevel the thoughts circling in his mind and used his hands and legs to lift himself into a standing position, his feet just small enough to fit the width of the wall. He closed his eyes and spread out his arms, preparing to fall forward, but something snaked around his waist. Something that wasn't going to let him die.

A scream of agony was ripped out of Shuichi's throat and he struggled to get away, turning his head to meet gold eyes.

"Eiri?" he muttered, falling slack in the man's arms.

Yuki stared back at Shuichi in shock and nodded. "What were you thinking, Shu? You could've fallen." He lifted the man into his arms gently and walked back inside.

"That was my intention," Shuichi muttered, looking way from the heated gaze he got from the blonde.

Yuki sat Shuichi on his guest bedroom's bed and returned to the door, locking it and pulling the shade down to hide the bright morning sun. He flicked the light switch and turned on the globe light in the ceiling, still giving Shuichi that heated glare

"Why, Shuichi?" he scowled.

"What's it matter to you? You could care less whether I lived or died."

He saw Yuki wince at his choice of words, but he really didn't care. A sudden flare of anger had flared up inside of him at the man before him and he was in too much pain to be sympathetic.

"Why in the hell did you bring me here? Why didn't you just take me home?" he moaned, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Silence resonated between them for a while, only broken by the bed's small squeaks as Shuichi rocked back and forth and by Shuichi's heavy, calming breaths. This was the third time that death had been taken away from him in a year and he was starting to hate everyone who had stolen it from him.

He heard Yuki's footsteps against the hardwood floor as the blonde walked across the room to his side, and heard the crack as the man's knees connected with the floor. A sharp intake of breath and a couple of curses echoed through the air and Shuichi couldn't help but chuckle.

"You think it's funny?" Yuki growled, rubbing at his kneecaps.

Shuichi nodded, still not looking up, and continued rocking back and forth. Tears had begun to unconsciously fall down his face and Shuichi couldn't make them stop. Nor could he make the shouting thoughts in his head go away. They were so confusing. Telling him to trust the blonde beside him, telling him to tell him everything…he's a bastard, remember what he did to you.

Shuichi's tears turned into sobs and he felt arms wrapped around him. He tried to struggled, he tried to get away, but the comfort of crying in someone's arms was too much and he collapsed. Fingers twined into his hair, making long, even strokes in an attempt to calm him. Shuichi turned so his face was buried in Yuki's chest and rested a hand on the blonde's shoulder. He hoped that Yuki wouldn't be made that he was getting his tee-shirt wet.

A tee-shirt! Shuichi's tears stopped abruptly with the thought and he pulled away from the blonde, taking in the sight in front of him. When was the last time he had seen Yuki in a tee-shirt? He had seen him in short sleeves before, yeah, but he was still always dressed up. Now, however, the blonde just wore a white tee-shirt and loose fitting jeans. Two things Shuichi had never seen Yuki wearing, and had never dreamed of seeing him in them. He looked so…weird.

Yuki just stared back, and Shuichi knew that the blonde was wondering what he was staring at. He smiled slightly, not at Yuki or anything in particular, just to feel it on his face. He always used to smile, no matter what, and that smile was infectious. If he smiled when he was sad, that smile would soon wear off and turn his sad mood into a happy one. He doubted that it would happen this time, but he figured he could give it a try.

This just seemed to confuse Yuki even more, but Shuichi didn't care. He wanted to hurt Yuki, wanted the blonde to feel his pain and loneliness. Wanted him to feel why he had gone out to get drunk every night for the past week.

"Shuichi? Are you okay?" There was a tentativeness in Yuki's voice that made Shuichi giggle.

"Of course I'm not okay, silly Eiri. Would you be okay if you lost the two people you cared about beyond all others? Would you be happy if something you wanted dearly had been taken from you each time you got a chance to have it?" Shuichi said through giggles. Maybe he was going crazy, but he really didn't care. At least that was better than being depressed.

Yuki's eyes widened at Shuichi's words and his face fell slack, which just made Shuichi giggle even more.

"Please snap out of this, Shuichi," Yuki begged. "Please."

Shuichi suddenly stopped giggling and his eyes turned hard and cold. "Or what? You'll beat me?"

Yuki's eyes grew even wider, if that was possible, and he gaped at Shuichi as if he were a fish out of water; mouth opening and closing, eyes wide. Shuichi snorted and looked away, rolling his eyes at the blonde.

"That's what I thought. You won't do anything because you're too scared. You'll just always run away like a crying little baby, taking advantage of all those that actually want to help you. You're pitiful." Yuki was silent and Shuichi laughed again, looking at him with dead eyes. "What? Too afraid to say anything? Do ya think the crazy man's gonna do something stupid? Or have you finally run out of insults and curses to throw at me?"

Yuki shook his head, wiping the surprised look from his face and replacing it with a smirk to rival Shuichi's. "No, I just know that you're right. I came to accept that after you came after me in New York when you saved my life. Remember that, Shuichi?" A small flicker of something that Yuki couldn't quite grasp flashed in Shuichi's eyes and his smile broadened. "Yeah, I thought you'd remember that."

Shuichi turned his face from Yuki and focused on the wall across the room, but Yuki grabbed onto his chin and forced him to at least face him. He couldn't, however, force him to keep eye contact.

"I know how you're feeling, Shuichi," he said softly. "I want to help you. God, it hurts me so much to see you like this! But I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

"It's too late to help me," Shuichi said coldly and pulled his face out of Yuki's hand, returning his gaze back to that interesting wall.

Yuki pulled his hand back and sat on the floor, his hands toying with the frayed holes in his jeans, while he thought of something that he could say. Something, anything, that could convince Shuichi that he actually wanted to help him. After a moment or two of silence and thinking and not coming up with anything, Yuki took a breath and looked up at the man who was now busy smoothing out invisible wrinkles on the bed.

"Shuichi, just tell me something, please. Why are you like this? I know about what happened between you and Tatsuha. He came here in tears after he left you, but he did what he thought was best. I know that he never told you about Rori, but it's nothing for you to be upset about."

Shuichi sighed and looked at Yuki ashamedly. "Am I the only one that didn't know?" he asked sadly.

Yuki shook his head. "No, I just found out earlier this week. Mika's the only person he ever told until now."

Shuichi laughed quietly and looked back down at the bed. "I'm not angry that he never told me, I'm angry that he didn't trust me enough to tell me. He thought that I would get angry, didn't he? That's why he didn't tell me." The last words came out in a whisper but Yuki heard the pain in them as if the broken man had yelled them.

"Yes, it is, but you know how Tatsuha is. He's wild and crazy, just like you used to be, but won't tell anyone anything if he feels that something bad might happen if he does." Shuichi nodded and Yuki smiled softly. It like they might actually be getting somewhere. "He was always possessive, but, ever since he lost Rori, he's become even more possessive. No, the best thing to do would be to call him paranoid."

Shuichi looked at Yuki with surprise in his eyes, but something in them also let Yuki know that he understood too.

"You and Rori are the same, Shu. Rori was a compulsive cutter, he wore a smile on the outside while he was shattered to a million pieces on the inside, he committed suicide. Thankfully, though, you aren't like him in the last case. Do you remember how everyone felt when they found out that Rori was dead?" Shuichi nodded. "That's how we would all feel if we lost you."

"You weren't even there," Shuichi said coldly. "You weren't the one that stayed with Tatsuha the entire first night and almost every night after that. You weren't the one that had to dry his tears, you weren't the one that had to hear his sobs…-" A sob hitched in Shuichi's throat and he looked at Yuki, tears streaking his face. "You. Weren't. There."

Yuki hung his head and looked back down at his hands. "I know," he said sadly. "I wish I was, but I wasn't. I failed everyone that night."

Shuichi jumped at the sincerity in Yuki's voice and turned to see small trails of tears running down Yuki's face. "I failed Tatsuha. I failed you. Mostly, I failed Rori. I saw it coming, but, instead of doing anything about it, I just acted like my usual conceited self and ran off without saying a word. I failed everyone."

"You're so goddamn vain."

Yuki jumped at the coldness of Shuichi's voice and looked up at the angry man, tears still streaming forgotten down his face. "I'm sitting here condemning myself and you consider that vain?" He snorted. "If anything, you're vain."

Shuichi squinted his eyes and turned away, his nose in the air. "I am not vain."

Yuki snorted and threw his head back. "And why not? Tell me why you're not vain, Shuichi."

The raven-haired man sat there in silence, staring blankly at the wall, and Yuki laughed again.

"That's what I thought," he said, turning his head so he wouldn't have to look at the sight before him.

Silence filled the room again and the two men sat, fidgeting uncomfortably. Every time one of them would think of something to say, they'd take great, gasping breaths, but would close their mouths after that and shake their heads. Nothing seemed to be the right thing to say.

Finally, after ten excruciatingly long minutes of this, Yuki spoke up, just to break the awkwardness of their situation.

"You know," he started, pausing for a second to collect his thoughts before continuing. "I never expected this to be so difficult."

Shuichi finally looked at the blonde and Yuki turned away, smiling self-depreciatingly.

"You never expected what to be so difficult?" Shuichi asked quietly, an icy undertone to his voice.

"Getting you back." The answer was short and sweet and quite possibly made Shuichi the most uncomfortable. "So, I guess that I am vain. I just expected to fly back over here and be able to pull you back into my arms whenever I pleased. You were a constant before I left, and I guess that I thought that life would go back to being like that."

"But it didn't," Shuichi stated quietly.

"No," Yuki laughed, "it didn't. It got better than that."

Shuichi looked at Yuki in question, but the blonde didn't see it because his eyes were focused on Shuichi's wall. He opened his mouth to ask the man if he were crazy, but Yuki spoke up first.

"Seeing you but not being able to have has killed me," he said. "It wasn't like that when I was in America because you weren't there so I guess that I slowly got over everything on the outside. But I never let you go.

"It also made me realize how sorry I was. Knowing that I'm the one who turned you into this is horrible, but it's the truth and I have to face it. I may have not shown it at first, but I've felt like that ever since I first laid eyes on you."

Tears were falling freely down Yuki's face now, and Shuichi's heart went out to him. He didn't want it to, but the sincerity in the man's voice was too real to ignore. And Yuki didn't just cry for nothing.

"Eiri,…I-I dunno…," Shuichi started lamely. Nothing he could think to say was good enough to beat Yuki's mini-confession.

Yuki laughed quietly and wiped at his face with the back of his hand. "You don't have to say anything," he said. "I just thought that it would be fair to let you know that."

"You call lying all that out on me 'fair'? Damn, you're an unlucky bastard."

"I know," Yuki said with a smirk. "I know I am."

Silence fell again but it wasn't quite so uncomfortable this time. There was no fidgeting, no sighs, no nothing. They just took the time to think and come up with something to say to one another.

"What time is it?" Shuichi asked. "I don't have a watch."

Yuki checked his own and looked back at the wall. "It's ten o'clock."

"Shit," Shuichi whispered, making Yuki look at him in surprise. "Can I use the phone? K'll kill me if I don't come up with a good reason for not showing up today."

"Sure. It's downstairs, though," Yuki said with a smile and stood up. "Come up."

He led the way to the room's door and Shuichi followed in silence. The echoes of their footsteps through the hall and down the stairs was maddening, but neither of them still had the courage to speak up and say anything. Shuichi's mind kept revolving around what Yuki had told him and Yuki's was revolving around whether or not he had said too much.

They reached the landing at the bottom of the stairs and Yuki grabbed the phone from its cradle, tossing it to Shuichi. Shuichi caught it and Yuki smiled, walking out of the room and into the kitchen to give the raven-haired man some privacy.

Shuichi jabbed the talk button and dialed K's cell phone, praying that the blonde wouldn't answer it so he could just leave a voice mail. But, since K was still hounding his ass, nothing went the way he wanted it to and K picked up on the third ring.

"If this is anyone other than a man that goes by the name of Shindou you better not be wasting my time," the blonde said and Shuichi smiled softly.

"Yeah, I'm something like that," he said with a smirk.

"Where in the hell are you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago!" the blonde seethed, making Shuichi's smile grow. Oh, how he loved to tease the American when he wasn't in gun range.

"I'm not there, so I'm obviously somewhere else."

K sighed and Shuichi cocked his head, that evil smile still plaguing his features. "Why do you have to be such a goddamn smart ass, Shuichi?"

"Smart ass? Why I don't know what you're talking about, K."

K growled. "Just tell me where you are and when you'll get here, so I can tell the others and we can get back to working without you for the next hour or so."

"I'm not going to be there," Shuichi said. The smile had fallen from his face, only to be replaced by a cold smirk.

"Y-you're what? What do you mean you're not going to be here? You have to be here."

"No, I don't and I'm not going to. I have other…um…business to take care of so I won't be there."

K sighed, making the sound of a candy wrapper being scratched across the receiver, and Shuichi cringed. "Just because you and your boyfriend broke up doesn't mean that you don't have to show up for work. We gave you a week, Shuichi, and we expected you back once that week was up. What's going on?"

"Well," Shuichi started, "I spent that week drinking and writing and last night, after getting wasted out of my mind, I ran into that boyfriend's brother. That's where I am. I don't even know where I am."

"Y-you're at Eiri Yuki's?"

"Sure am, and I'm having too much fun trying to piss him off so I think I'm gonna miss work today."

K started to say something to protest, but Shuichi had already hung up and cut the man off and was on his way to the kitchen. Yuki was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, reading a book. He looked up from the pages when Shuichi walked into the kitchen and offered him a small smile before returning to the words.

"There's coffee on the stove if you want some," he said, not taking his eyes away from his reading.

Shuichi nodded and picked up the second mug that he guessed Yuki had left out for him, filling it with the great, caffeinated beverage. He added some milk and sugar and sat down at the table across from Yuki, cupping the warm mug between his hands while he thought.

Why am I staying here? What in the hell am I doing? And why is he being so nice to me? He should hate me…and I should hate him, but- I don't.

"What's wrong?"

Shuichi jumped. He hadn't even noticed that Yuki had looked up from his book until he spoke up, and it kind of creeped him out.

"N-nothing. I was just thinking. I do that now, you know?"

Yuki snorted and shook his head, returning his eyes to the small print. "Why do you have to twist everything that I say to you and throw it back into my face?"

Shuichi hung his head and looked down at the floor. "I-I'm sorry. I'm just so used to being a smart ass all time that I forget when I shouldn't be one. Things have changed…a lot since you left."

Yuki looked up from his book, gazing at Shuichi with those golden eyes that Shuichi could just drown in, before he smiled and turned to the window. "I know."

Shuichi watched as Yuki marked his page and stood up with his empty mug to put it in the sink.

"Do you really? You obviously don't know how much I've changed if you just think that being nice to me is going to get me to like you again."

The clang of the mug knocking around the other dishes in the sink echoed throughout the silent kitchen and Yuki leaned up against the counter, not taking his eyes away from the puffy, white clouds outside the window. He motioned for Shuichi to walk over to him, and Shuichi did but was rather disgusted with himself the entire time.

"You see those clouds?" he asked and pointed at the sky. Shuichi nodded. "See how innocent and beautiful they are? Their attitude is infectious. They symbolize happiness and light, and you can't help but feel full of light when you see them floating lazily above you, the blue sky outlining their features."

Shuichi looked from the clouds to Yuki out of the corner of his eye and was surprised to see the new look of hatred on the blonde's face. The expression was quickly explained in Yuki's next insight.

"And, then, something happens to them. Something breaks them and they turn dark and grey, full of sadness and fear. They shed their tears over the world, letting everyone feel their pain and misery. You suddenly become full of hate. What kind of monster could do such a thing to something so beautiful, so innocent? But, sooner or later, the sky clears again and is full of those white, puffy clouds and you forget your anger in the joy that you get out of the sun."

Shuichi looked back out the window as Yuki looked down at his hands, his blonde tresses falling down and hiding his face. Where was he getting at with this conversation? Who or what were the clouds supposed to symbolize? And why did Yuki keep breaking out into tears?

"Eiri…," Shuichi started, feeling lame one more time. The fear, hatred, and sadness in the blonde's voice scared the man more than anything.

"Once again," Yuki said, sniffling a little, "you don't have to say anything if you don't want to."

Shuichi took a stabilizing breath and laid a hand on top of Yuki's, making the man jump and look at him in confusion.

"You said that you wanted to talk last night, right?" Shuichi asked. Yuki nodded. "Is right now any different? Why can't we talk right now?"

Golden eyes searched amethyst but found nothing within them that hinted at some kind of manipulative stunt, so Yuki nodded.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Shuichi smiled softly and lead Yuki, by the hand, into the blonde's living room. Yuki returned that smile on the way and took a seat on the couch while Shuichi offered to sit on the floor across from him.

"So…where do you want to start?"

TBC…

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A/N: WHAT A SHITTY PLACE TO LEAVE OFF! WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING! Oh, well. If I didn't end it there it would have taken even longer to post and you all would still be waiting so be nice. Plus I feel the threads of writer's block again. UGH! A bad week at school doesn't help a person write, either. sighs But I can't complain. I really hope that you all somewhat liked this chapter, though. I'm kinda worried about it. And please don't hate me for the break up! It was a spur of the moment thing…

Okay…for the thank you's this chapter I wanted to review my reviews…

The Mysterious S: Aw…blushes…Thank you so much! I'm glad that you like it! And tell your friend that she doesn't have to worry about the pairing anymore…; Syaoran is kawaii: I hope you enjoyed the meeting. Not exactly a meeting, but they did meet and talk. It took me awhile to decide what I wanted to do…; subzero13: I'm glad you liked it!...; tangerine-askua: How's it gonna end? Hm…I know, but I can't tell you…; kriziamoon: Scheming? Hm…I like the way you think…; Raven: I inspire you? Ooo…hugs…thanks for that! You jut made my day/week 10 times better! Just don't force yourself. Sit for five minutes and think. If nothing comes try again later…; Sakuraloveu: Nope, it's really pierced, and it's all thanks to Lenora-chan…hugs Lenora…my brain when my own fails me. Keep reading for Hiro's problem…I promise it'll be in the next chapter…; CassiToTheStars: Ooo! I'm so glad that you liked it Cassi-chan! I thought of your review the whole time I was working it!...; Kitsune Thief: I hope I've pleased General Kumagorou! He didn't threaten to use his Kumagorou Beam, so I guess that's good…; Sammy –.-zzz: I hope you liked this chapter, too!...; trina: Thanks and here's more…; sakurya: Sorry…no Ryu being a genki baka in this chapter, but I promise for some in the next chapter!...; Guren: I hope you liked the not intended meeting between Yuki and Shu, and sorry about nothing on Hiro. I'm still thinking so look for next chapter…; shadow0: blushes Thank you so much! I love getting reviews like yours! They make me SO happy! Sorry about the break-up, though. I hope you're not mad! It was just getting too hard for me to write Shu and Tatsuha together…; Summoner of Suzaku: I just got your review a few minutes ago! Thank you, but I take it Yuki's not your favorite character?...; animegirl12182: strangles in a hug Thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you know what I'm thanking you for! smiles…; and finally to Lenora-chan: glomps Thank you sooo much! And sorry again about not being able to talk…

Okay…I think that's everyone. OH YEAH! I forgot about Kitty in the Box last chapter so thanks sooo much to her too. I think I'm done now so I guess I'll go…

Ja!